Journal 3.7.2025 11.20 pm rehearsals were fun

Dear Journal,

Today I saw a dream where my client Av Go was there and many men including Ni Ta from my play were standing still as I stood in the center and smoked cigarettes. I woke up at 10.30.

Today me, Ma and Pa went to meet Krao. Then Ma took me shopping! It was truly delightful. She bought me two very chic long dresses, one in black and one in navy blue. She also got me two trousers for daily wear and a t shirt and she picked up a very nice green trouser for herself. It was so much fun!

Then I came home, ate lunch and fried fish for myself and Pa. Ma and Pa left with Chotto and Sady because Chotto is going to purchase a car.

I chanted, meditated and left for my rehearsals.

Rehearsals were also fun. We ate, did our scenes and chatted about as it poured outside. We had farsan and biscuits and drank coffee.

I wore a very old denim and a very old white kurta for rehearsals. Ma has urged me to throw half my clothes away.

I'm sure Arun is fine, enjoying his work and his social life. Hope his bones are healing fine.

I cleared part of my cupboard just now.

I'll chant, meditate and sleep.

I am feeling:

Happy after quite some time.

Full of love.

Hopeful.

Determined.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.31 pm

Life

The water is placid and the sun is bright

And the storm of a lifetime has eased my delight

And I lie a little destitute, a little worn out

From imaginings making me so unsound.

The fire in me is as steady as ever and it ignites

My soul, spurring me on with the greatest fervour,

Me the sage of benevolence and love

Releasing many caged heavenly doves;

The riches of care and prosperity

Lie within me hidden from perusory

And I hand out gems of love and hope

The richest person and nope, nope, nope

I'm not lost anymore, I gather the leaves

And hope upon hope about my prophesies,

I find ahead the path is lit

With many companions who undo the lid

Of conversations flowing freely into the night

As the moonrays sooth the turning tide,

Creatures we are holy and sound

And what goes around comes around

Pretty in my soulful minaret

I bask in glory till a hundred.

stillness in my soul

There is a stillness in my soul,

Heart heaving, seeking whole,

Gazing at the mountaintops

The journey ahead is long and fraught

With songs to be sung

And juices to be wrung

And wisdom says that

It's all here in the here and now

All my desires being answered

As I downward bow

Venerating all beings

And enjoying the scenes

Victory is near

Right here.

Journal 3.7.2025 12.10 am a crappy day

Dear Journal,

One can tell a lot by looking at a person's face.

Ra Ti looks just like Shy Kis and is as mean-hearted as him. He is not a very nice man. Both Ra Ti and Shy Kis are fine actors.

Yesterday Ra Ti insulted a very senior aged actor, bringing him to tears.

There is a lot of negativity in this play. Ra Ti bitches about everyone. I don't really like him much. Today he wanted to drink with me but I came back home.

Today in the morning Ma fought a lot with me over Arun.

I'll keep praying for Arun always. Somehow I seem to have moved on from him after his words to his friends that day.

Ma insulted me a lot today.

I'm off men. I don't want to date any man.

Today De Jh called and I find him a little irritating.

I hope tomorrow I feel far more positive and in high life condition.

Tomorrow I have to go and meet Krao. I think I'll stay off men and focus on my career.

Ma has a caustic tongue.

Ra Ti is mean and Arun is sweet.

I am feeling:

Serious

Plain

Irritable

Happy

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.19 am

letter to Arun 2.7.2025 a declaration of love

My dearest cutest loveliest darlingest of Aruns,

Firstly, I have to tell you that I love you wholeheartedly. You bring meaning to my life and a longing to my soul.

My regret is that the last time we kissed I did not kiss your nose.

I believe in the power of prayer. And do you know that Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo is a very powerful chant.

When I was a journalist I used to be all consumed by my work, working 24 7 around the clock. Then I quit in 2019 and I pried into my mother's prayer book and read that for years she had been praying for me to quit journalism. That broke my heart.

She didn't let me invite a single friend of mine to my brother's wedding because she didn't want you to come. That was the biggest insult. She is very controlling.

And like a fool I told her about us.

And I know she is chanting wholeheartedly for you to not be in my life because that is what she told me that we should not talk.

I don't chant that much.

I love you Arun. I love your hands and your cute face and your sweet heart. I love our friendship. I love being there for you and listening to your stories and your problems. And more importantly I can't live without you.

Promise me Arun that you will never leave my life sweety.

I love your eyes and I love your natural musty smell.

Love,

Me.

Journal 2.7.2025 9.25 am seeing a dead bird

Dear Journal,

I saw Arun in my dream in a position of authority telling me a lot of things. I also saw myself walking and encountering a dead bird.

I woke up about half an hour ago.

Yesterday I met the music director Tu Bh and spoke to him about Delhi. We are both from the same place in East Bengal.

We cut a cake for Bachan Sir's birthday and rehearsals till 9.30 pm.

I bought Manchurian that Pa didn't touch and Ma partook a little of.

I love Arun.

I hope to have a good day today.

I am feeling:

Normal

Happy

Itchy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.30 am

Journal 1.7.2025 5.11 pm arriving

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting in the rehearsal space. Today I woke up in the morning feeling a deep dissatisfaction with my life.

I had an early brunch and chanted, meditated and did my pranayam. I am never going to stop praying for Arun no matter what.

I reflected on my life through the morning, and realised that my situation is my own responsibility. I have created the causes that have led to the reality of my life.

I started reading Letter to Horen. It's a very very long gosho that I wasn't able to finish in the morning.

Then I went to Kru's house. I met her for the first time today. Dee also joined me. Kru has fallen into some pretty bad times with ill health and a hiatus in her career. Me and Dee tried to encourage her and I told her what I'd been reflecting on. That good fortune comes from good conduct in thought, word and deed. I encouraged her to live with grace through her tough period. I also told her to write down her prayers, something that even I have to do.

We chanted for ten minutes and we studied The Three Kinds of Treasures. 

"More important than the treasures of the storehouse are the treasures of the body and the treasures of the heart are most valuable of all."

Winter always turns to spring. The night always gives way to day. To live itself is a great honour.

I went back home and had two mangoes, kissed Ma and apologised to her for yesterday and did my evening Gongyo and Daimoku. I alao finished reading Letter to Horen.

Now I'm at rehearsals. It's Bachan sir's birthday today. I invited Arun for my play today. Also Kk sir has been calling me up for the past three four days and making small talk. Hope all is well with him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Happy that I met Kru and Dee today

Loving

Determined to create the right causes

Have to call up jd tomorrow

I am grateful for this play.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for my life with God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on it.

Kru's house was a veritable mess. Reminded me to always live cleanly and with grace.

Love,

Me.

5.26 pm