Journal 10.25 pm on 6.8.2026 feeling irritated

Dear Journal,

There should be a cap on my mother's concern.

Today Twi and me took walks and had panipuri. I was telling her how I read Ma's prayers in her diary-- she prayed for me to quit journalism, she prayed for Arun and me to break up, she prayed for me to not be a Tarot reader etc etc.

That whole Ma aspect is making me feel so irritated with her. She is so controlling!

I am feeling:

Irritated

Caught in my circumstances

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.29 pm

Journal 6.20 pm on 6.8.2026 sexuality & yes, cigs do hijack....

Dear Journal,

Today I got messages from DeJh and Noel.

DeJh said something like he can't meet me today and I told him that I didn't expect him to. Then he sent such a huge volume of messages that I ignored him. He is annoying.

Noel encouraged me to quit smoking. He told me that I must love myself when I don't smoke cigarettes and accept myself without cigarettes.

After that I tried to not smoke and just smoked one about half an hour ago.

I felt so sexual and I missed Arun through this craving. I wonder how he is.

Somehow intuitively I feel that he tried to get going with that girl called Rutuja. I don't know but it's something I think about.

What should I do about my sexuality? I don't want to date just any guy. And frankly, I'm irritated with DeJh.

Modelley has not been coming. Now I'll wash the vessels. I hope to make the most of this evening.

I am feeling:

Loving

Sexual

Happy

I want a companion. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

6.27 pm

Ps: About 20 years ago I had attended a lecture by VVai at Tifr on how drugs like marijuana hijack the brain's reward system.

I asked her whether cigarettes hijack the brain's reward system since I'd just started smoking cigarettes. 

I've got my answer definitively from life. YES. CIGARETTES HIJACK THE BRAIN'S REWARD SYSTEM. When you smoke cigarettes you don't feel like doing much else. You don't feel like accomplishing tasks. You don't feel like taking action towards your life.

I've given up all sorts of drugs. And I have alcohol rarely. I might as well quit smoking and reclaim my agency, reclaim my life. Then I'll be that pretty 12-year-old girl who was an athlete and aced dramatics. My skin will glow and my mind will be sharp and incisive.

Love,

Me.

7.41 pm

Ps2: And my nostrils have become all flared and wide as Arun's nostril, full of raw energy. I wish he were here to love and kiss and caress. I would have so loved that through this phase of my life-- smelling  him... sigh. I'm not very happy with my career at the moment to be honest. 

I think I'll go downstairs and spend some time with Twi.

8.00 pm

Journal 11.11 am on 6.8.2026 seeing vladimir putin in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw Vladimir Putin in my dream. At first I thought he was a very bad guy. Then my view of him softened. I also saw Arun in the same dream sequence, discussing a movie or something. The details are quite sketchy.

I am going to study today. It's a good good day!

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly lonely

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.14 am

Journal 8 pm on 5.8.2026 I love myself

Dear Journal,

A few years ago I had contacted a suicide prevention helpline because I was feeling depressed. This was about 4 years ago.

The consulting psychologist on the other end asked me to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10. I said 8 to 8.5.

He said that that's great! That means I have good self esteem.

I went and asked this question to Ma and Pa. Ma said 3 and Pa said 10, saying of course I love myself.

The moment I decided to let Arun go a surge of good wishes for myself poured out of my being into me. Intention makes all the difference.

I spend such an inordinate time with myself that I might as well love myself.

I haven't really studied today. I think I never really wanted to be a teacher. But I have this gig. So today after going down to buy milk and roti I will study a bit.

Right now if I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say I'm a 10.5.

I think I'm a kickass humanbeing. I'm a beautiful person as are all the people who grace my life.

When I was with Arun I was earning money through Tarot and there used to be so many clients in extramarital situations consulting me. And I used to feel that everyone is living a similar life. It's exactly 8.08 pm.

I want to be my best friend. I want to always be kind to myself.

Lately everyone I'm meeting has been talking about self love-- oneness of life and it's environment. My life and my people flow together.

I feel most awake at night.

Not a moment is being wasted. There is so much time really and I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. Everything that has to happen is happening in the here and now.

Modelley did not come to work today.

Twi just messaged that she is waiting for me. I'll just go and talk to her.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Loving

Determined to quit smoking. I have been taking long walks ever since I was small. I can replace my cigarettes with long walks.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.15 pm

Ps: There is that feeling again accompanied by a sexual urge. Right now there is no one to direct all this love to.

I'm so different from the rest of the girls. Today I spent time with Twi and Hamida aunty and they were discussing maids, the redevelopment and practical things.

Hamida aunty said that she has really enjoyed life. She told me Im looking very pyaari and good.

I hope to become most career-oriented in the coming few days.

And I want someone loyal to love.

Tomorrow will be a good good day!

I am feeling:

My ears ringing

Happy

Awake

Really want to quit smoking.

10.13 pm

Journal 4.45 pm on 5.8.2026 I refuse to give up

Dear Journal,

Ma just came back home. I've been reflecting on my parents and my life. Ma is such a good girl. And Pa is such a good boy. Ma and Pa have never cheated on each other despite being unhappy.

I don't know what a happy marriage looks like. From Arun's account all people sleep around, all people have extramarital affairs. From Arun's account cheating is quite normal. That is so sad, firstly toh. And secondly, it makes me trust him less.

I think I grew up in an unhappy home. It's only Buddhism that has brought in joy into our lives and I should never give it up.

I've met so many different kinds of people striving in my Buddhist practice.

And my Buddhist practice has also made me realise that all people suffer and that I must always cultivate kindness because you never know what the person in front of you is going through. That's number one. I'll never stop chanting.

Then I'll never give up on myself. I'll always take my medication because it means that I trust in my growth and progress.

And finally, I'll never give up on people and in love. No matter who is in front of me-- whether it be Mukesh Ambani or Amitabh Bachchan or a Bhalla or Sunil bhaiyya i'll show respect to all lives. You never know what the soul in front of you is going through.

I hope to find love. You know journal these days I feel so darned lonely.

We are a quiet household. We don't really talk much here.

All my best conversations were had with Arun-- I'll never forget him.

I'll never give up on myself dear Journal. One more step forward each day.

I also hope to quit smoking.

The goal of human life is freedom and happiness. May I bring joy to all and be the ultimate successful. Its exactly 5.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.03 pm

Ps: I feel so sexually aroused. I wont be with just anybody. I hope to find an excellent companion. I am not going to pleasure myself.

Journal 1.10 pm on 5.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream well after 10.10. It's exactly 1.11 now. I saw that I was telling Rohit Handa that my parents didn't leave me any money and he says there must be money. 

Then I find a box full of ten rupee notes... many many many of them.

I smoked 4 cigarettes in the morning. I promised myself I would smoke no more and that I would study.

I went to meet DiPan in the morning.

I told her about my dream of being at my lowest point and she said that I'm definitely not at my lowest point. So many things are in my favour. She also told me to never stop chanting.

Now I'll have a bath, eat lunch, chant and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.15 pm

We two

All the circumstances support

Me with you.

Then where are we stuck so royally,

We two?

It's the tip of a sea mountain, 

The wonderment of my music

And one way or the other--

Together we are gifted.

Not that much time has passed.

Is that a bouquet in your hand?

This saga will never end.