Journal 10.28 pm on 27.7.2026 a yearning

Dear Journal,

Today I kind of scraped through in a good way. The ICSE literature syllabus is enormous and difficult with tough poetry and Shakespeare. I need to really prepare for that.

And what is with the premonitions-- seeing things in my dreams before they actually happen!

I was thinking so obsessively about Arun this past week and half way into my classes today I identified it as a sexual yearning for him. And then it waned. I really don't want him to possess my heart and mind so.

Swara and Arya are angels. The third class today had problematic students. They said they don't love themselves and one of them plain refused to study today. I will employ my patience and kindness with my students.  May I guide them well.

Right now my top priorities are Ma and Pa-- I have a great responsibility towards my parents. And then my students are my second topmost priority. Fun. Teaching them is pure fun.

I read a beautiful quote by Alan Watts today that implied that in muddy water the mud settles when still, unmoving and quiet. Just like that people who are still, unmoving and quiet play a vital role in society.

What that means is that chanting, praying, taking action-- yeah... but sometimes I need to still myself and relax for the muck in my life to settle so that I can see clearly.

Now, I'll bathe, chant, read and sleep. I must work hard! I must be a dedicated, supportive teacher for my students!

Today Kyra said I don't look a day above 28 and the students were shocked to learn that I am 41. But come on! I think I look my age.

One of the students Divyansh is very talented.

Next week I better be well-prepared! I saw Divyansh in my dreams even before I met him today. That's so Goddarned eerie....

I must polish my life to such an extent that my students do well!

I messaged Tejaurad but she hasn't replied.

To a good night!

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Nervous

Stimulated at the thought of Arun

Yearning for mental peace and happiness

Determined to prepare well for next week.

And oh yes! I so easily went without cigarettes for 6 hours today. Shows that quitting will be easy.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.47 pm

Journal 12.18 pm on 27.7.2026 Im overthinking

Dear Journal,

I don't want to fall into the realms of fantasy and rumination but that is what I'm doing-- overthinking.

I am sure Arun is not thinking so much about me. He is focusing on his work. Why can't I?

I really want to have a good day today.

I am waiting for DuMa to give me a cup of tea.

I wish myself a great day for me and my students! May they enjoy class today!

I am feeling:

So deeply in love (what triggered these feelings?! Was it my dream?)

Happy

A little irate because I don't want to fantasize

Sweet

I love Arun. I'm sure Arun deserves my love. But he has been so insulting. 

Love,

Me.

12.23 pm

Journal 10.42 am on 27.7.2026 lonely

Dear Journal,

Akon said: Im so lonely. He must have said it for me because I'm so darned lonely.

I think any acting up I've done is because of my loneliness. I miss Arun. I miss our companionship.

I'm trying my level best not to overthink things.

Arun can be quite the insulting. He insulted me quite a bit the last time we met. That is why I haven't been telling him to meet me.

He will never know how he agonises me.

I wish I was more beautiful, more suave. I wish Arun had accepted my love and chosen me. But he didn't. And I should make my peace with that.

I really want him to chant Nmrk. He will feel so happy!

I love my mother.

I am feeling:

Plain

Loving

Reasonably happy with a tinge of sadness.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.49 am

Journal 9.09 am on 27.7.2026 dream of orphans

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I've adopted 4 orphans and that Chacha Nehru has been born again. That's it. It was a more complicated dream but I don't remember the details.

I wish to make the most of today.

I am feeling:

Like I'm a very loyal person.

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.12 am

Journal 9.25 pm on 26.7.2026 why am I such a last minute person?

Dear Journal,

Ever since we broke up without realising it I have the habit of checking Arun's timestamps. And my mind goes into a tizzy over what he is up to. Hopefully, naming this habit will cause me to be less obsessed.

Frankly, I have had too many colas and cigarettes today. Since I've determined to really give up smoking my smoking has actually gone up.

I should not be such an overthinker! I should really take a chill pill. It's all good. Life is unravelling at its own pace.

I remember opening my Biology textbook for the first time for my 12th boards on the eve of the board exams. And yet, I almost topped.

All my life I've prepared last minute. Even for today's study and experience I prepared just last night before going to sleep around 3 am. And yet I got a thunderous applause today.

Even for tomorrow's lectures I'll be preparing now.

What does it mean when one is in a habit of preparing last minute. Procrastination, yes! But why am I such a last minute person and why oh why in God's name do I ruminate so much?! I wish I didn't overthink subliminally everything.

Something has shifted in me. I feel like I've fallen in love with Arun all over again. I have absolutely no clue what happened and why?

I so love his cuteness.

I don't think I'll tell him anything. We decided to be just friends and i don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me.

But how do I contain these feelings and what should I do about my loving heart?

I really hope Arun starts chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. All the study is stuff he naturally spews; it will really appeal to his common sense. I have a feeling he will love it.

What has happened? Why do I feel that I love Arun so much again? And where am I headed?

I REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

I MISS ARUN INORDINATELY THESE DAYS.

I am feeling:

Happy

Overthinking every small thing

Feeling a lot of love in my heart

I think I'm head over heels in love with Arun all over again. But I don't know why? And frankly, I'm slightly scared of my feelings for him. I don't want to get lost in my thoughts like this over him. I wish I had a firmer grip upon myself and my mind!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.42 pm

Journal 2.20 pm on 26.7.2026 a cryptic dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a cryptic dream whose details I don't remember. I saw Guz in my dream and her mom and dad. There was a sense of closure in the dream, I was seeking something that belonged to me from them, some treasure, something precious... the details of the dream are hazy.

I woke up a little before 10.15 and without taking a bath left for the zadankai.

I got a thunderous applause to my experience. People clapped for a really long time. The zadankai was in Suma's new pad in Panchvatika.

As I was leading the study Arun called. I had to cut his call. I had been eager to hear his voice yesterday.

After the meeting Suma distributed cookies... yummy wheat bran cookies. She is such a sweet person.

I went to Chotto's house after that and me and Sadhya chatted. Buro told me to detach from my emotions and to focus on priorities.

I called up Arun. I really love him. As I was teasing him about his nose he wanted to hang up. May be he doesn't want me to be so affectionate. He said he is going to Hyderabad tomorrow. I just sent him the chant of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. I really want him to chant it. It will bring him so much happiness. I genuinely want him to be happy.

Now I'll have a bath, eat my lunch and study.

Tomorrow better be a golden day!

Today better be even better!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Focused

Determined

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I hope all those I love have a great day, especially Ma, pa, Buro and Arun.

Love,

Me.

2.32 pm

Journal 1.24 am on 26.7.2026 facing reality

Dear Journal,

Most vital of all is to face reality in each moment of life. I love Arun. I will always love him. Sometimes my heart fills up with so much love for him.

That says more about me than about him -- I'm capable of such deep love. May be, just may be he doesn't have the capacity to make space for me in his life. Or may be he is trying to maintain boundaries. As someone who loves him I can respect that.

He is married. He will never leave his wife. I just kind of have to live with that.

Then there is this feeling of emptiness. There is a Buddhist saying: Emptiness is the highest virtue. I'm not used to this feeling so I find it distressing.

Then there is the aspect of money. I'm not making at the moment as much as I'd like. That doesn't mean things wont change in the future. I can keep praying, keep making causes.

Then there is Ma. I probably love her the most in the whole wide world but she is a tad too demanding.

I wish there was some place for all this love in my heart to land.

Tonight I told DeJh not to try so hard to please me because it is annoying. I don't know how he took it.

Tomorrow is the zadankai! I'll just skim through the study and sleep.

In conclusion, most vital of all is to be realistic. Nothing except love is more important than that.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Cold from the ac

Concerned about my loved one's health and well-being.

Sweet

I love Arun. I LOVE MA THE MOST.

Love,

Me.

1.34 am

I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD'S INFINITE LOVE, GRACE AND BLESSINGS ON MY LIFE.