Journal 6.58 pm ist on 4.6.2026 It's already Thursday!

Dear Journal,

I have no excuses to make. It's already Thursday. The week has just whooshed by.

Out of all the things I've done and all the things I've experienced the ones that stand dearest in memory are the ones spent in loving relationships. Moments of love are to be cherished.

I've had many friends and I've grappled with my expressiveness, growing up awkward. However, given all the embarrassing details in life I have simply no regrets. I have a clear conscience. And today my heart feels light.

After due reflection, I've decided to not chase a single person or thing. Whatever will be will be. The peace of mind I'm left with is unnegotiable. And my heart full of love! What should I do with it?

After finishing yoga, chanting and meditation in the morning. I settled with my job search. I smoked a cigarette early which I regret. I've smoked 6 cigarettes today.

I got two interview calls today. These AI driven interviews are so complicated and so full of jargon. After giving a lengthy test I was so fagged out that I shut the laptop and headed to lunch at 2.

Sadhya came with Melon and Kittoo. She was all fresh and smelling good.

I ate karela pumpkin, jhinge posto data, tok dal with a fish fry. I didn't really stuff myself today but later I had a bowl of tok dal.

I spent time with Melon and Kittoo. I had 5 cups of black tea today with the last cup savoured with coconut cake.

Then I chanted. I even read Daisaku Ikeda and William Strunk. William Strunk is helpful and definitely not a one-time read.

Then at 6 I headed out for a half-an-hour long walk and came back and did some yoga with Ma watching some video in the background.

I played with Alyssa who was playing with the cats. I also chatted with Maddy.

It's 7.13 pm now and my day is done. I think I'll watch a movie now on Netflix. I hope Arun is well.

Love is the only antidote to all the ills of the world.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Fresh

Accomplished

Clear-headed

Bright and alert

A slight thirst

I am grateful for all the yummy food I eat each day, for this beautiful home of ours and my work.

I am grateful that I enjoy taking long walks in Nature.

I am grateful for yoga and praying. 

I am grateful for all my loving relationships.  I am grateful for Melon and Kitoon.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.20 pm

Journal 4 6 2026 11 24 am ist against all odds

Dear Journal,

I choose love. I choose optimism. I choose forgiveness. I choose compassion.

Today I woke up a little after 6. Ive smoked 3 cigarettes so far. Yesterday I smoked a bit too much.

I chanted, meditated, did yoga, went for two rounds of walks. I took a walk in the lane near Arun's building. 

I'm wearing my pista green kurta with a navy blue salwar.

I really want to quit cigarettes. I really really do. It's so hot.

I played with that beautiful grey eyed orange cat.

The pelican like wood-looking bird was at the window again.

I've had two cups of tea.

I've been at it looking for work since 9.

Sometimes I feel like I'm working against all odds. Sometimes it's a little difficult. I have a little money.

My heart is filled with love so deep I don't know what to do with it.

I think I'll read the news now and do a little yoga. I want to contribute to the house.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I hope to utilise each moment graciously and judiciously.

I'm reasonably happy.

In the morning Ma just lashed out at me for no reason at all. She can be quite unreasonable. I kissed her because well, I love her.

I am grateful that my limbs still move.

I am grateful that I still feel and look youthful.

I am grateful for good health. 

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my relationships.

It's such a beautiful wonderful life!

I am feeling:

Happy

Oxygenated

Full of deep love

Sweaty

Ressonably pretty

Clean

I am sitting in the 604 hall.

I'll do a few yogasanas, read the news and write. I'll be on my laptop working till 4,5.

Love,

Me.

11.37 am

He

By Doel Sengupta

His smile is wicked and bewtiching

His laugh is jeering and sneering

Raucous, sometimes warm sometimes cold

And on his own thoughts he has little hold.

His vision is clear and pristine,

His heart a wild forest of blooms

Of fragrances so tempered and enlivening,

His criticisms are dry and doomed.

He lives in a world much larger than himself

And when he falls he kneels and portends;

He is buttery smooth in his affections

And wandering in his imaginations.

His hair is silken and sweaty

His words don't need more brevity;

His eyes are kind and mischeivous

And his dreams are long golden and glorious.

Weaknesses he has many,

Strengths are also not few,

He despises greenery 

For that I loathe him

And his must is often perfumed.

I wish I'd known better than to fall for him,

I wish I'd known better than to recite and despise

Meself and me meanderings so nice

I wish I'd known how to add less spice.

His tales have me enthralled,

His voice is hard and harsh

As are his encouragements

Be caught dead off the lark.

I think I'll note him down in memory

As someone I truly understood;

For now I'm done with longing 

And I think for that I'm good.

Choosing simplicity

By Doel Sengupta

It must have been some mad dereliction

Or some greed for name and fame

Or a lacklustre wonder of direction

That love had me and I would not tame.

Into the boozy brothels of shame and deceit,

Into the gaze that locks eyes to kisses,

Into the guiles and facades of longing

Unto heaving sighs and a heart that misses

Into those tales that make great parodies

Unto the joys of hope and delight

Till the last break of dawn I clasp

That wisping flame that was ignited.

I wander into the streets of pressure cookers

And I play with beings that jump with spright;

Sometimes I wonder if being a decent looker

Could rake off the band from the wagon on high.

I think I'm done with such infatuous passions

That imagination oft does newly fashion

Into the simplest way of living and being

With memories of smells and reprieves.

Journal 8.42 pm ist on 3.6.2026 it's slow and drawling

Dear Journal,

I smoked ten cigarettes today. I job hunted till about 4. I called Arun. He called me back. We barely spoke.

I reminisced about Pa Pa and De Jh. They both were too clingy and too demonstrative in their affections and I just wasnt interested. I think I was a tad too rude with DeJh. Why do men chase women like this? It's so uncouth. And unwelcome. And putting off.

My periods have begun.

I reflected a lot today and had lots of tea. I chanted. I meditated. I bathed a while ago after a longish walk. Ma seems in better health.

In a world riddled with jealousy I think I should bless all. People could really do with my blessings. And that is what I always do.

There is this cute old cat in the building with light grey eyes. I call him Cherry. Ive fallen in love with him. Kitoon has amber greenish eyes. Beautiful. 

On my evening walk a bouyant labrador started jumping and playing with me. It scared me a little frankly. Reminds me of Simboom who was my Dino.

I read a bit of Elements of Style. My grammar has gotten rusty.

I'll eat dinner now and snooze.

I am grateful for all Life's small and great blessings and this immense love in my heart. I am grateful for food, money, shelter, good relationships.

I am feeling:

A little parched

Clean because of my bath

Don't want to turn in so quick. It's just 9. I think I'll read and write.

I love my parents, brother and Sadhya.

Love,

Me.

8.54 pm ist

Journal 12 54 pm ist 3.6.2026 I am not embarrassed

Dear Journal,

I fear not a thing in the world today. I have faced the worst. And yet I tread carefully and blithely because a broken heart is hard to mend.

People have called me mad and denounced me and nothing could be worse. But my self esteem and self belief are still intact and I know going ahead nothing can stop me.

Without the imaginary conversations I've written in this blog I would not have been able to tide through May 2026. I am happy with the art I've produced this year. I am not embarrassed of the videos I've uploaded on Facebook because they are an expression of my expressiveness.

Arun had called me some time last month. I will call him when my hurt heart has healed. I still love him dearly. What's not to love.

I want to read something. But nothing interests me. Might start Dorian Gray. (It's exactly 1 pm).

Ma has been unwell and she has been in a harsh mood.

When we don't get what we want which is quite a lot of the times in life instead of becoming despondent it's quite vital to look at the heart of the matter most logically and reasonably and try again. In the end it's about never giving up.

I love my father. He is such a noble gentleman.

The house is filled with honey. Yummy.

Today I woke up all alert at 5 41 am and in an hour it started to pour torrentially.

Ive been smoking far fewer cigarettes. In single digits. This is an end to my higheity on cigarettes into sobriety. Ive spent too much money on the idiotic urine stick.

Pa bought me the extra cool eucalyptus oil that burns. It's awesome.

Today I spent time looking for Remote working opportunities.

I want to be sobre. I want to be good.

The most important thing in life is good health. And more important than that is being realistic and kind-hearted.

I'm feeling good being sobre.

After spending hours online today I went towards Arun's building and took walks in the hot sun without cigarettes. I wish the pollution would ease.

Today a wood pelican with yellow eyes came to the window. I have been sighting strange birds. Must be the rains!

Before I could click a picture the bird flew away!

Now I think I will meditate for a bit and read Dorian Gray. Then I have a script idea... I'll toy with that or job hunt again.

It's so easy to be sobre. It's almost like you reach a tipping point and then you've had enough of the higheity.

I have been keeping mostly to myself. Yesterday I took a long walk into DMart and back and on my way back bumped into a dog with a broken leg and torn ear not for the first time. I've seen this dog many times. And I wish I could do something for it. My heart goes out to it. I so love this dog. It keeps coming to me and nudges me on my evening walks.

I wonder how Ayesha's exams went. I'll ask her this evening.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Happy

Dry skinned

Wet with sweat

High on tea

Full of love

1 20 pm ist

Busy

Doel Sengupta presents......

Eyes caught in a slow dance

At your slightest littlest chance

And sooner than I can think

I am invited to many dinners

And then when I sing nice

I look like the Queen of Might

And many people beseech

Looking to me for relief

Requesting me to accord

And I willingly fill the record

And there is so much work really

And so many friends to meet.

Is it that when our eyes were caught

In the slow dance you ceased to cheat?

Today as I type in words many many

People send invites and sooner

Than I know Im busier than a termite.