Letter to Arun 6.9.2026 1.03 pm things are difficult

Dearest Babypie Arun,

How are you? How are your days going? Im sure they are going very well. I wish you all the luck and happiness in your life.

My mom treats me pretty badly-- she shouts and screams and intrudes on my personal territory. She is being outright dismissive and rude.

She doesnt believe in talking sweetly. She has been mocking all her friends who talk sweetly as if that is going to make us laugh.

I think there are lots of forces that want us to not even be friends. But you bring me so much happiness. And I do love you.

I dont feel defeated or hopeless when it comes to us but I do feel helpless. Because we arent talking and I fought with you.

I miss you. I love you Arun.

Why do you say this line to me these days-- Youve started it again... that is so rude.

Really Arun, you are going to walk away from me?

My heart feels so heavy with grief. I dont want to lose you because believe me I love you-- you are the best gift God has given me.

I dont want to lose this gift. Im missing you inordinately. Ill message you on your birthday.

Happy birthday darlingest, my shonapie, my cutiepie.

Have an amazing day! Ill bathe and pray for you. And eat properly and be happy.

Love,

Doel.

1.15 pm

Journal 10.07 am on 6.9.2026 Arun must be so angry

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where I was planning to dye a dress-- either white and pastel green, or maroon or golden and Ma tells me in the dream that golden will look really beautiful.

There is a woman in my dream with chalk on her face-- white chalk and pastel green chalk and I say that that is the shade of pastel green I want.

It's exactly 10.10 now.

I see the end result of the dress in real time as Im planning to dye the dress.

If Arun reads my letters to him he will want to keep more distance. I love him. I will never stop loving him. He is sho sho sho cute and such a baby. My baby boy.

Now I have to go to DiPan's place for dpm.

I hope I have an excellent day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Head over heels in love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.14 am

Letter to Arun 5.22 pm on 5.9.2026 you you are everything I ever wanted

My shonapie mishtipie Arun,

I had so much fun writing my last letter to you. And Im feeling so much more positive and happy that I want to tell you more things.

Im going to pull down that poem from Facebook. My shonapie....

The other day as i was walking down the road and smoking a cigarette I thought about you as I often find myself thinking. You occupy a huge part of my mental landscape. It's only through loving you that I know what it means to love a man. And I cant replace you. No man comes close to you.

So I was walking and thinking about you and then I saw one of your photographs in my mind's eye. And then it struck me. You look so much like John Abraham. In fact, you are way way way more handsome. Your skin texture and skin colour are far more healthy. And your face is symmetrical. And your dimples. I want to reside in your dimples. YOU ARE WAY WAY WAYYYYYYYYY more handsome than JA.

You are the cutest. John Abraham is a heartthrob for many and you are my heartthrob. Why wouldnt girls chase you? Why wouldnt they run after you? Why wouldnt there be catfights and bitchfights over you?

You are so drop Dead GORGEOUS. Im mesmerised by your beauty. And I want to smooch you.

And I want to tell you this in person. And I will hopefully some day. I want to see the look on your face.

I love your eyes Arun. And I miss you. I really do love you from the deepest trenches of my being. And I sometimes wonder what it would be like to make love to you.

Now I'll sit and pray for you.

Be happy today Arun. Have a blessed spectacular life. Im rooting for you. Im thinking about you. I always have your back and I could be one of your strongest cheerleaders and biggest supporter.

Im missing you a lot.

Dont leave my life please.

Love,

DOEL

5.35 pm

Letter to Arun 3.46 pm on 5.9.2026 it's 4 days to your birthday!

My dearest SHONAHEART, sweetest of sweetest hearts,

How are you feeling? Let me take a guess? You must be trying to get your mind off me and wondering if this is really the end of the road for us. You must be lightly trying to do your work and engaging with life.

Are you very angry with me? I hope not.

I just got back from meeting the doctor. I burst into tears in front of him. And he told me to engage with life, to talk more, to express myself more and not be such an introspective introverted reclusive hermit. Those were his precise words. 

He said that otherwise I'll have mood swings if I go into a shell.

My best guy is not here to talk to.

And it's 4 days to your birthday celebrations! Please celebrate your birthday with complete dhoom dhamaal.

Do you feel the benefits of my prayers for you? I see them in your life. Everytime Ive seriously sat and prayed for your wife's happiness you have fought with me as if that's the final fight and we will never talk again.

But I think this time we both seriously fought. I dont want you to cut me off from your life.

My love for you is still a very active ingredient in my emotional landscape. I dont want to let my love for you die. I want to always love you. And these are the kind of things you hate.

You wish I could be more casual about you, more chilled out. Im not casual but chilled out may be.

I hope some day you call me up.

I'll miss you a lot going ahead, like so much so much that I could die.

Take care of yourself my shonaheart. I wish we had spoken this week and that you'd called me. And I wish I hadnt flipped out.

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I miss your touch and your gaze.

I miss you. I've been very very very loyal to you. Firstly, because it's not difficult for me. And mostly even after our breakup because there is no better guy than you. I dont want to explore being with any other guy. They dont interest me.

I want to kiss your eyes. I miss the intimacy I had with you.

I want you to be superlatively happy and my love for you and my wish for your happiness are higher than any Vesuvius.

I say sorry easily na? So Im really sorry. Dont do anything stupid please.

And I really hope you read my blog and these letters. There will be plenty of them now.

My shonaheart. My shonapie... sweetest of sweetest pies.

I dont know what you ate today but I hope you ate well. I had papaya sabzi and mustard steamed paneer... a light healthy lunch.

I really want to be able to contribute more financially towards our household. These are the kind of things I tell you. And your opinion matters. Wish I could get your point of view.

Yesterday my mom and dad were telling me that things are getting tough. And I feel so helpless. Not hopeless because Im praying about it but currently helpless yes. I want to be the financial backbone of my family... even for you. I want to maintain you, give you, love you. I love you so selflessly na?

My darlingest shweetest of shweetest hearts Ive started having too many colas.

Ill just go down and have a cola and a cigarette and then pray. And then I'll prepare for my lectures.

Have the best day ever my mishtipie. You are God's cutest creation and Im absolutely nuts about you.

Muwaaaah!

Love,

DOEL.

4.17 pm

Letter to Arun 11.52 am on 5.9.2026 The biggest Thank You to my best guy

My baby Arun, my shonapie,

Thank you so much for proposing to me and asking me out.

There are two images of you that I hold most fondly in my heart. One is you wearing your reading glasses when I saw your eyes for the first time and fell in love. And the other is you jiggling and dancing. Seeing you dance was pure joy! I love it when you dance because you are so happy to dance.

Thank you for everything in short. And most importantly Thank You for you.

Who is Vidya? Who is Candy? And who are your many women running behind you?

You are the cutest phenomenon God has ever created.

I love you.

I dont know when our paths will cross again. Thank you for paying for all the dates. No man has ever done that for me. With many men Ive ended up paying far far far more.

Some day when I become super rich I fantasize that Ill spoil you and my parents.

Will you and I ever talk again? Because you said youd rather die than talk to me. And that hurt me a lot.

It's not a crime to love a man. It's not a crime to slip into a depression over losing him. And it's definitely not a crime to pray for him and wish him well. I'll do that a lot.

I know it like a written fact and I think you know it too that I'll never stop loving you.

You are the best thing God ever gave me, simply the best. You are one of God's most exquisite creations. And you still mean the world to me even though I am in shambles and my heart is shattered.

But I think I'll count my losses and back off.

I can't thank God enough for your existence. I love you. I worship the ground that you walk on.

But I dont think we'll ever be together again. And that's caused me such immense pain.

If you ever do call me that will be the happiest day of my life after the day I kissed you for the first time. I was so drunk that day.

Thanks for caring about me. Thanks for the love you gave me. And I think, I have a gut feeling that youve met some special girl and that is why you didnt call me this week.

I didnt realise my love for you would go unrequited.

Ill miss you enormously going forward but I wont call or message. Only on your birthday. This birthday Ill just message you because I worship your existence.

Thanks for letting me click your pictures. They are my treasure. And you, your soul is my treasure house. Anything to do with you is a treasure to me.

I'm sorry Arun that I sent you so many messages. And i'm so sorry for being so whiney and sensitive.

Baby... my baby... my shonapie... im literally in enormous pain... and I cant stop loving you.

Love,

Me.

12.16 pm

Letter to Arun 9.55 am on 5.9.2026 I really appreciate you

Dearest sweetest cutest Arun,

Where should I start? I hope you are not smarting too much.

Im going to miss you infinitely going forward. God should make more guys like you, better and better.

Ive never shared the rape incidents with anyone. Only briefly with my therapist. You know when someone forces themself on you and has sex with you against your will and you are lying there shivering, wondering when you will be able to go back home.

Youll never read this letter. But I want to tell you that you made me feel the opposite of raped. You made me feel worthy, beautiful, wanted, loved, cared for, protected. And for that I'll always miss you inordinately.

I still love you. I loved you even before I met you. I manifested you into my life.

I dont think I can live without you. But since you dont want me I think Ill walk away.

I cant live without you. I cant breathe without you. I love you. And I dont want to go mad.

Will you call me up some day? Or is that out of bounds now?

Ill write you many letters now on this blog. Some day if you visit this blog may you read them.

I wont be sending you any more messages. Only good wishes and my love through prayer.

Love,

Me.

10.03 am

Ps: I'll never give up no matter what. And that's saying a lot given where I am. The people you love the most you hurt the most. You are one of the few people I love the most.

I'm sure you'll date someone. And may you be happy with her.

How did you just stop loving me one fine day? Ive never been able to stop loving you!

Everything will remind me of you. Because youve been my greatest muse and my greatest inspiration.

Ive taken an appointment with my psychiatrist today. Because I'm feeling clinically depressed and suicidal.

But still I'll never give up. Never ever.

Im so sorry for hurting you.

Hey Arun! Why dont you ever say sorry? It would save you a lot of grief and pain if you just said sorry. Because sometimes you hurt people, you do. And the only fitting thing is to say sorry.

I love you. I really really do. And Im so happy that I told you that even though you felt pressure. Because a guy should know how deeply he is cherished, how deeply he is wanted. What he means to a girl.

I would have gone to any length to sacrifice for you. May be i'll still do that.

My cute shweet Arun, the love of my life.

Please do call me up some day. Please. Please. Ill never call you or message you anymore. But that wont mean I wont love you.

I will move the heavens for you. If you suffer I'll rake up a storm. And the depth of the grief this parting has left me with is unfathomable.

And yet, yet I still love you.

And that my shweetest Arun means never giving up.

Take care of yourself. Have a wonderful day!

Love,

Me.

10.54 pm

Closure

You finally said it, finally you did

That to me goodbye you want to bid

Rather than holding conversation

When everything is wrong,

You said it finally: Goodbye! SO LONG!

Our paths will cross once again

But back with you will mean the same

Lack of trust and cacophony

I dont want you back no more, trust me.

To us I poured in lots of thought

And charm to the table you brought,

Wherever you go, wherever you stay

For you I'll always hope and pray.

A lesson learnt ill never forget

Is that another woman's man I will never beget;

Believe me life is a little sardonic now

But I finally poured my heart out to the one I love.

Im so sorry I held on for so long,

I should have said it all before and let you go.

So much hoping came with so much pain

And I know I hurt you in this scanty rain.

Im really exhausted now, im kind of done with you

And it's poetry now that will fight the blues.

I wont talk to you as much anymore

And I'll never live deprived of love like a whore,

Ill smile, ill sing, ill dance around

Sometimes dressed up in the sun.

It's such a fortunate thing dont you think

That whatsapping you brought me closure

And that's a real win-win.

I wont apologise to you no more,

Ive done that a lot, thats the lore!

I dont love you that much anymore

Because you didnt honour my heart as you kept score,

And I dont think there is any point turning back time

And oh! How I love to chime and rhyme!

Glazed and hurt, dazed and lost

I'll find my way back because Im the boss.

Im happy today after a really long time

Because I said it all today with a dash of calm.

May you find love, may you find home,

May you find peace and not hearts of stone.

May you suckle again at Nature's breast

And may joy ensconce you like a snare.

And for myself what would I wish

But to be a better person and really relish

The small and big happinesses of life

Because God's bounties are unrestricted 

Abundant and profound. 

I lay the matter to rest today

Be happy, find love anyway!