Journal 1.24 pm on 26.10 2026 a glimmer of a dream

Dear Journal,

Before I woke up I had a lucid dream of staying in a house van with mine and other house vans being parked in a green yard. I saw Arun and Ma in the dream.

Im a little worried about Arun. He said he had a backache. Hed also suffered fractures so Im a little bit worried.

I really love him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Loved

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Ill be leaving to go to Maa Studio after lunch... after two.

Love,

Me.

1.28 pm

Things Ive learnt about myself these 41 years of my life 9.46 pm on 25.10.2026

I was fairly intuitive ever since I can remember. In school I always knew what would happen next and that's what happened.

I remember the day I held my little brother in my arms for the first time. I fell head over heels in love with him.

I never thought I was beautiful because Ma used to call me kutsheet taeda.

It was only when I grew up and men started giving me attention that I felt that may be I am beautiful.

I was a voracious reader. I read all the Ramkrishna Mission literature, all the Somerset Maughams, all the adult books too ever since I was small.

I sexualised at a young age... at the age of three because a man in my building dealt with me inappropriately over a span of weeks.

I fell in love at the age of 12 with Nai. And I was pretty lonely in relationships. Till Arun, and may be G I didnt date guys I particularly loved. Is that everyones experience? I dated because I was so alone. ROko didnt talk much and he never picked up the cheque on any date, I did. Thats why I broke up with him.

Then there was Shyk who would come over for lunch each day and treated me very badly.

These days I feel like a really small person, really diffident, really unsure and I dont know how to feel better.

Ma has always been strict with me. She beat me up a lot when I was small. Last year she cursed me saying, You Will Die a Pauper. I find her particularly toxic. I dont think she really cares about me so much. She has always loved Buro far more.

Ive always had a good relationship with my father. My father has doted on me ever since I was small.

I come from the Royal family of Bengal... Raja Rajballabh Sen's family and I dont really know my extended family. I am also Lal Mohan Sen's great granddaughter. He was a famous artist during Tagore's time and was particularly close to Tagore.

I was particularly close to my maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother used to tell everyone that she loves me the most. My maternal grandfather was strict. And my paternal grandfather passed away when my father was in college.

My maternal grandfather served in the Indian Ministry of Commerce as a bureaucrat.

I find my father's vision in general a little stinted. I wish he had dreamt larger dreams. And I wish my mother had been gentle and not so aggressive.

I have lofty dreams but I feel so small because of my mother wounds and I dont know how to deal with them. I really want to heal and become a self-actualised person.

How do I feel about myself:

I feel really small and broken. Ive been feeling this way for a really long time. Ive even been in therapy but I dont know if it helped with my self worth.

Journal 8.08 pm on 25.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where Arun messages me I Miss You and then I see in the dream that we are broken up. That was my morning dream.

I woke up close to 10 and went for the zadankai... i chanted for more than 35 minutes over there because I was the emcee.

The meeting was alright. We didnt sing the song. SeeDhi cut the meeting before that. AstAro had tears in her eyes while she was talking about her friend and her work.

I came home and chanted for 15 minutes. Then I gave Arun a missed call. And he called me back.

Has he found someone else? 

Then I ate lunch and fell asleep. Life's pretty slow.

Arun and me spoke about the unemployment issue, briefly about CJP, about how this government should go...

Today I felt my feelings for him rushing back. I really miss him. I told him that and he was quiet. I also told him that out of all the guys I like him the most. That was also met with silence.

It's like I sleep, I journal, I chant and I smoke. Everything for me is in the mental plane. I wish I could get some action in but I feel stuck.

Also I mustnt resent Ma. I finished all the pani puris that Sadhya made.

When I was telling Arun about AstAro crying he said the problem is that there is no one to talk to about our problems. I felt him. I heard him.

We discussed the price of veggies. I really love my Arun. I actually love him.

1. Something I accomplished.

A harmonious, vibrant zadankai. Relationships. For some reason Twi ignored me downstairs so I spent time with Hassan's mom and smoked a few cigarettes. May be she didnt want to talk.

I accomplish writing this journal each day. I dont know how beneficial it is.

I also told Arun Im looking for work. And he said hed help me/recommend me.

2. Something I handled well.

Twi's silence. Friendships and relationships. Zadankai. The whole day actually. I had dal rice and fish for lunch.

3. Something I appreciated.

Zadankai, the people, the lunch, my family, Arun. Ive been thinking about Murphy's Law. If something has to go wrong it will. So Arun must be with someone else.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I wonder how journalling is helping me towards my future. But journalling and praying. 

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.57 pm

Ps: What did I learn about myself today?

I learnt that I feel very diffident and small during the zadankai. That Im an exceedingly softhearted person. And that I still love Arun.

What is actually within my control?

Making time to write and job search. Being good to the people in my life.

What is one thing I will do tomorrow?

Write. And not just my journal.

9.16 pm

Ps2: 1. Something I did well.

I emceed the zadankai. I handled Twi's silence well. I spent time with Ma and Pa.

2. A promise I kept to myself.

I journalled, I chanted, I wore pretty clothes to the zadankai, I bathed, I woke up in time for the zadankai.

3. A moment when I treated myself with respect.

I didnt confront Twi on her silence. I showed my parents love. 

4. Something I like about myself that has nothing to do with achievement or appearance.

Im kind. Im a good conversationalist. Im genuinely interested in people. I love sincerely. I have never cheated on a man or on anybody. I keep moving.

10 34 pm

Journal 5.19 pm on 25.10.2026 I love my Arun

Dearest Journal,

I spoke to Arun after a long time today. And... I REALLY LOVE HIM...

I wish there was some way for me to reduce his struggles, Ma's pain and answer Pa's wishes.

I really really really love my Arun. He has my whole heart.

He is such a kind person. He is shoooooo cute, infinitely cute... he is the cutest humanbeing I know.

I really miss him. Today Im feeling so much love for him.

I feel like showering him with kisses. I wish I could smell him.

Love,

Me.

5.24 pm

Journal 12.46 pm on 25.10.2026 after a long time

Dear Journal,

After a long time I can feel my heart expanding with love.

I had a dream in the morning that Arun and I have broken up. I dont remember the other details.

I was the emcee for today's zadankai. There were just four of us there. Im wearing my shiny red trousers and shiny black top.

Out of four us, three of us were feeling hopeless-- may be all four of us were.

I had a question for guidance but SeeDhi stopped the meeting before time.

I think Im praying a lot for effects and less for my hr and I really should transform.

I am feeling:

Oh so full of love.

Happy.

Determined to quit smoking

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace, Blessings and Mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.51 pm

Journal 12.50 am on 25.10 2026 alas!

Dear Journal,

Abhikaku and Sudkakima just left. We spoke for such a long time. Sometimes I find myself resenting Ma-- I find her a tad selfish. And she kept coughing throughout the evening. Im a little worried about her.

Abhikaku and Sudkakima told me that Im such a good person... not girl... person. I floated the idea that they find me a groom. To which everybody erupted and said the grass always seems greener on the other side.

They discussed marriage, death, health....

I thought about Arun. Im not expecting anything from him. I just purely love him.

Pa asked me to find someone on my own. Now that's a tall order that's been set for me. The average Joe here in India doesnt interest me.

Anyway Im the emcee at tomorrow's zadankai.

Hope it goes well. I hope Arun is happy.

I am feeling:

Loving

Happy

Sombre

It's a beautiful night and I am soooo drowsy. I have Arun on my mind and hope he is ballsy.

I dont know how his days are going but Id love to be there for him as he gets older. I so so soooooo love him. He is shoooooo cute.

Love,

Me.

1 am

Letter to Arun 7.02 pm on 24.10.2026

Dearest Arun,

Ive been thinking a lot about you today. Not in an obsessive way but in a way that you are always there somewhere on my mind.

I think you dont believe in fidelity? You dont, right? And you have your plenty of exes to take care of. And I know you went behind my back when we were together.

There are too many red flags when it comes to the gamousness of this relationship. I cant be with someone who may take off any time with somebody else.

Having said that I still love you. But Im consciously training my mind to get over you. That's what you want, right?

Byee!