Journal 5.33 pm ist on 9.6.2026 edgy, hot and frustrated

Dear Journal,

I had a paritcularly gruelling day. There is a backdrop of stress in the mind and the breathing is heavy. I am feeling particularly tired today and need rest.

I woke up at 6 from a vivid dream that I described in my morning post. Then I settled with my lemon water and honey and chanted and meditated. After that I set off for a long walk. My feet firmly hit the concrete pathway and I was aware of the different kinds of birds flitting about me. A Gulmohar tree I see enroute is in blossom. It reminded me of my childhood days when I played king king with its buds with Guddi.

I came back and Ma had left for Bu's place. I did 40 minutes of yoga. I had poha with egg poach for breakfast with a cup of tea.

Then I bathed and wore my brown houndstooth top and brown trousers. I settled with the news.

Around 10.40 I left for a meeting. But the people I was supposed to meet didn't turn up. Arrrgh! I walked for about half an hour in the sweltering sun to reach a metro station. Then I came back home.

I was so tired by this excursion that I lay down for about half an hour.

Then I settled to work on my resume and send a few emails. I wanted to write my novel but was so fatigued that I put it off.

I had begun kumro bhaja, dal, fish curry and rice for lunch. I read Daisaku Ikeda and Helen Keller.

I also spent considerable time on social media today. Social media can be helpful but its tidbits could also be a waste of time as one doesnt really assimilate much from what one has seen.

Ma's outburst yesterday loomed in the backdrop of my mind. Ever since I've known Ma which has been all my life she has been aggressive and particularly harsh on me.

Arun is also much like this. Loveable but difficult to love.

I kind of feel enough is enough. I should distance myself from Ma. She is quite The Toxic. All these thoughts today caused me to feel stressed out.

Do I respect Ma? Enough to entertain her but not particularly as a person. I think she's too mental without compassion... all intellect with less heart. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be able to respect and love my mother. But she hasn't earned that respect and is hard to love. I also thought about Arun's insults on me. I don't think I need that kind of toxicity.

Why is it that the people who you love and who are supposed to love you back are sometimes so hard to love and be with?

I sat down to chant but ended up checking social media. I did not go for my evening walk today because it's been an exasperatingly frustrating and hot day! I think I need rest.

I'll chant now and work on my novel.

The most important thing in life is to never give up and to always hope. So I haven't given up on Ma. But she has proven far too often that she is not here to be friends with me.

Also in terms of career I remain undaunted. Efforts will bear fruit! It's just a matter of time. To always strive the hardest that's the mantra!

Pa is so awfully quiet. He hides so many secrets.

I think I need to work on my resume.

I smoked 7 cigarettes today. That's a bit much!

I have to strive hard. Now is the time! My hardest. My best foot forward! Onward!

I am feeling:

Edgy

Slightly stressed

Hot

Sticky

Slightly tired

Slightly hurt

Slightly heavy-hearted

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that I have learnt to observe my thoughts and my feelings.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money.

I am grateful for loving relationships.

Love,

Me.

6 04 pm

Ps: I am not very happy with myself. I need to put in better efforts and rest more. I wish I had a better relationship with Ma.

Journal 6.13 am ist 9.6.2026 a dream of a baby called Rudrashish

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where there were children of many ages. Parshva comes holding a baby (his own). He tells me the baby's name is Rudrashish and I tell him that is my little brother Buro's name. He recounts Buro's insta handle @rudrashishnew... then i see Buro addressing a press conference. He has a baby too. Parshva speaks to one of the children. The child's name is Kishen. There is some greenery.

I slept rather late last night. I was tossing and turning. I spent the evening using AI. AI is a real bhoolbhulaiya. Ai puts your mind in a tizzy.

I went to sleep in a negative frame of mind from Ma's altercation with me yesterday. I felt that Ma truly hates me. May be she has been hurt by me. That made me feel very broken-hearted and alone.

Now I'll get on with my day. To savour the lemon juice with honey. 

I am feeling:

Alert

Sweaty

Smelly

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for this beautiful glorious morning.

I am grateful for my lemon juice with honey. 

Love,

Me.

6.19 am

Journal 6.52 pm ist on 8.6.2026 an altercation, a trip

Dear Journal,

I just returned from a longish walk. I didn't think much during the walk kind of brisking it through. I went to the beach and spent about 5 minutes there. All about me were families and couples revelling. There is a mild level of subliminal stress oweing to an altercation with Ma in the morning. The air was breezy this evening and the waves raged with thorough power. All in all I feel rejuvenated.

In the morning I woke at 5.41 am. I slept an unbroken sleep. I quickly gulped down my lemon juice with honey and proceeded to chant and meditate. Then to embrace the glorious morning I donned my walking shoes and stepped out for my walk.

The air was crisp and heavy. The eaŕly morning dewey perfume from the foliage around me engulfed my olfactory senses. It was a fresh morning and I was in a good mood.

(The phone has been acting up. I just switched it off and switched it on.)

I went to the temple and then had my first cigarette.

I came home and ate a banana and a mango and set to 40 minutes of yogasanas. The left side of my pelvic girdle is stiff. For the past few days I've been finding it difficult to sit in sukhasana leave alone padmasana! My yoga session was rejuvenating.

I ate a breakfast of chila with a cup of tea. Ma came back from her walk. She was hungry and fried herself some Goan Pork sausages. And then over something so minor she completely lost it and went beserk. She shouted, she screamed, she pointed fingers, she shook her whole body in rage. She was so aggressive! She even shut the door on my face and refused to open it!

That brought me to tears. Ever since I was small Ma has been insulting like this. She has physically scarred me for life. I think she has some underlying undiagnosed mental health problem. She is a little too aggressive. The mood this altercation left me in was negative. Sometimes some people in life can be quite difficult! Ma is far from gentle.

I tried to not smoke a cigarette after this stressful repartee. Instead I had a bath and wore my light blue with white stripes shirt and denims. Then I buried myself in the news. Instead of escaping my feelings from this fight I accepted all the negative emotions that came with it. This caused the negativity to linger all day.

I then packed in a bottle of water, wore my cap and headed out to Adarsh Nagar for a meeting. I took a bus on the way there and the Metro on my way back. It was hot and sweltering. Thank God I had the bright idea to wear my cap. I handed my resume to the lady I met and chatted with her briefly. She smiled and said she would call me.

I came home to Melon, Kittoo, Ma, Pa and an airconditioned room. I sat and sent emails. I ate posto bata which was yum, dal with chorchori, macher tel with rice. I polished it off with a mango. Then I lay and rested for about 15 minutes.

I also worked on my novel today.

I read Daisaku Ikeda, and a chapter of Helen Keller's autobiography. Then I made myself a cup of tea and chanted. Then I walked. And here I am.

There is a belief in Buddhism: "Illnesses arise when evil karma is being dissipated." I've been thinking about my own struggles with mental health-- my delusionary thoughts, my racing mind, my thinking I'm someone more special than I am and then the snapping out of it and coming back to reality and embracing life anew. God has given me so many blessings. I ought not to blame Him in giving me this slight predilection. I think three things have been holding me steady-- chanting, walking and yoga and I intend to keep up this practice for the rest of my life.

I am an ordinary girl. Super ordinary.

Today Mrs Kampani caught me in the midst of it all and said she wants to do yoga with me in the mornings! That should be fun! She has been rather unwell. She is one of a kind.

Ma has made me a cup of tea. I'll go have that now. I hope to have memorable moments with my loved ones.

I am feeling:

Happy

Peaceful

Sweaty

Grimy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.37 pm

Journal 6.26 pm ist 7.6.2026 a mild irritation

Dear Journal,

Ma is currently attending Saurabh Bothra's online yoga session in the 604 Hall where I am sprawled on the carpet.

I just got back from a half an hour-long walk. I stepped on to the beach for a bit. The tide was high and the waves were torrential. The grey expanse of the Arabian Sea hides so many wonders. I wonder how many species of birds are spotted in Mumbai and where the tidepools are on the beach. Nature will never cease to amaze me. I love greenery. I love birds. I love animals.

On my route were about a dozen roosters who were doodling and cockadoodledooing.

In the morning I woke up around 5.57 am. I slept rather late yesterday as sleep was not forthcoming. I kept tossing and turning till I actually fell asleep around 11 pm. I had an unbroken sleep.

I woke up, had my lemon juice and chanted and meditated. I then headed out for a long walk. I then went to the Jain Temple. There were so many multitudes of crows flitting about!

I came home and had a mango and a banana. I headed to the carpet for a half an hour-long yoga session. I bathed and wore my blue tie and dye top and denims. I read the News for about one hour.

Then I set about shortlisting a list of places where I have interviews. From tomorrow I'll be on the road. I must apply adequate sunscreen and carry water.

Through the day Ma irritated me with her raucousness, her anger, the way she ate her lunch. My mind went to See Dhi and her negativity. I realised that I am too biased and I must let people be. I can't fight the irritation I feel but I can definitely accept people for who they are. Earning money is not the only thing in life even though it's a huge part of life. Life must be lived holistically. A good life is a well-balanced life.

I ate dal, fish kofta and aloo potol for lunch.

Then I settled with Daisaku Ikeda, Strunck and Helen Keller. I chanted and here I am after a long walk.

The weather is hot and humid. I feel so drenched and sweaty.

I've been watching Single Papa on Netflix. It's a simple sweet story-- a one time watch. I think Ma could be depressed. She seems to just be on her phone all day. I love her.

The mind is a marvel and must be mastered. Conquer it I will! You can't always trust your thoughts, especially when they run amuck.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Sticky

Happy

Have a mild heavy head from the heat.

I've been keeping myself hydrated.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money. 

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for my brother who I adore. I wish him well from the core of my being.

Love,

Me.

6.56 pm

Journal 6.43 pm ist on 6.6.2026 I auditioned

Dear Journal,

I've had eight cigarettes today. That's a bit much! I had an audition today. More on that in a bit.

I woke up at 1.27 am then again at 3.03 am and dosed till 6.29 am. I was up bright and alert with a faint foreboding in my heart. I woke up with a heavy heart.

I remember dreaming of me being in some village with some village ka chokras. It was a dull black and white dream.

I woke up and had my lemon juice with honey. Then I set off to one hour of chanting and meditation. After that I wore my sneakers and headed off for a half an hour long walk to the cooing of birds. There were many people jogging on the roads. That kind of inspired me to jog too.

Then I had my first cigarette and visited the Jain temple.

I came home and exerted myself in half an hour of yoga.

Then without bathing today I ate my breakfast and set about job hunting. I found some interesting jobs on the list today.

I was at it for about two hours. Duma was not supposed to come today so I set into a nice warm 20 minute bath and shampoo.

I wore my mint green chikankari kurta and applied light makeup for my audition in Chitrakoot Studios. Allu Arjun was shooting right there. I think my audition went off pretty well. They said that if I'm selected I'd have to get rid of my red streaks. I bumped into Raj Jha over there and we bantered a bit. Then I took the Metro home.

I came home to give a job interview and a test and was feeling quite fatigued. In the middle of my interview Pa rang the doorbell and disturbed me. I had to open the door to him.

Lunch was beans, sindhi kadi, beguner kalia and jeera rice. I ate a full lunch today.

By the time I finished it was 3 pm. I had one cigarette and set down for a ten minute rest. I was feeling so tired from the sweat and the hot sun.

Then I read Daisaku Ikeda, William Strunck which can be a little dry and three chapters of Helen Keller's autobiography. 

Then I chanted for some time and headed off for a half an hour-long walk.

A barking leaping dog has been obstructing my route for the past two days right near FTC. So today I took a detour. I came home all sweaty and wet.

Ma is a little weak from her fever. My parents are golden.

I remembered Arun today. His long black hair, his sweet smelling face, his interesting banter.

I even read the news today. I spent much time reading Features in HT.

I am feeling:

Hot

Slightly sweaty and salty

Happy

Heart light with love

In a good mood

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the variety of jobs my search is throwing up.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money and work.

I am grateful for loving relationships. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to give an audition today.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for yoga, exercise and the wonders of Nature.

I am grateful for books.

Love,

Me.

7.03 pm

Journal 7.00 pm ist 5.6.2026 self belief goes a long way

Dear Journal,

The electricity bill is so high this month! Whenever a job turns up I intend to contribute to household expenses. I must and I will!

I smoked 5 cigarettes today and drank oodles of tea.

Self belief goes a long way! And even a tiny sliver of hope is enough to tide one through choppy waters. And the most important thing is to be realistic. And loving. And kind.

There is enough trouble in the world. One kind word could make all the difference.

My mind was not really into the job search today. I was tired from yoga and walking in the morning and delaying that first cigarette made me feel a little fogged.

Despite that I job-hunted till lunchtime. 

I ate rice with dal, a carrot bean veggie, jhinge posto and aloo fry. It was all so yum.

Then I read a few short stories, O Henry's Gift of the Magi being a repeat. I started reading Hellen Keller's autobiography, completing 5 chapters. I read Daisaku Ikeda. I worked on my novel. I chanted and prayed.  Then I headed out for a long sweaty evening walk with all the filmy crowd lining the streets.

I came home to sunset. Ma and I had a slight riff raff over whether the lights should be switched on.

I settled with Hellen Keller's autobiography again.

I even perused William Strunck a bit.

Yesterday I started watching a Netflix series called Single Papa. I'll watch the second episode now.

The days seem effortless and easy.

Sometimes the brain is overstimulated and alert but it's all good.

Ma is in much better health. She is looking so pretty as she is headed out. She has worn her green pants with a black kurta. Pretty mom.

Melon has just come back from his evening walk. Kit's nails have been clipped and his scratches are painless at the moment.

A hot cup of chicken soup awaits me.

I am feeling:

Loving

Kind

Sobre

Clear-minded

Smelling good

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships. I am grateful for Melon and Kit.

I am grateful for my daily sustenance of food and beverages. I am grateful for shelter.

I am grateful for money and work. I cracked one interview but the job is tentative. The search goes on.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for oil.

I am grateful for yoga and exercise.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for Linkedin.

I am grateful for my laptop and wifi.

I am grateful for my phone.

Love,

Me.

7.19 pm

Journal 5.6.2026 9.38 am ist there is and there only is

 Dear Journal,

I woke up around 4 am ist and switched off the AC. THEN WITH MY LEFT LEG FEELING NUMB I FELL ASLEEP TILL 5.57 am.

I chanted and meditated for about an hour. Then I made myself a smooth hot cuppa and headed out for a half an hour long walk. I came back home and gave myself a sort of facial around 8 and then begrudgingly I stepped out for my first cigarette. I went and prayed at the Jain temple.

Then I came home and did half an hour of yoga and pranayama. The mind is alert and awake.

I ate 3 uttapams or chilas with curd and a mango for breakfast. There is not much in the news.

I could have lived in a world where I hadn't met Arun and that would have been a dismal world. I'm so much the happier to have met him.

I'm just sitting to work. It should be a good day.

Ma is pottering about with the plants and all that.

I am feeling:

Heavy breathed

Happy

Slightly irritable

Full of love

Alert and awake

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.45 am ist