Letter to God 10.59 pm I dont want to feel so depressed

Dearest God,

Why does something or someone you love so deeply bring pain? It's exactly 11 pm.

I know that Ma is praying wholeheartedly for Arun and me to part.

Arun was supposed to call me up. He hasnt yet. And again I sent him a swarm of messages.

Ill never stop loving him. And I dont want to feel so depressed and gloomy because of it.

Why did he reject my heart God? And why does he repeatedly do that? Why does he say such harsh things? And what does he mean by: Youve started it again?

I miss our intimacy. And I dont know if Ill have sex again.

He says he doesnt want to meet me. He says he will never watch a movie with me. He says it's over never to be redeemed again.

Im so depressed and so gloomy God. I really want Arun in my life. I love him truly. It's real love.

He doesnt want a relationship with me. And I really want to die.

Why do people cheat on their partners?

And I really dont want to fight with Arun but he hurts me and brings me immense pain

 And that is unbearable.

Dearest God, could you please sort out mylife and make me the richest?

Give me deep love. Give me loyalty and stop guys like PaPa and DeJh from running behind me.

Resurrect my career God.

You are the highest virtues and make me as virtuous as you. Let me breed good karma and please make Arun call me. 

I know he has said disgraceful things about me to his friends. I know hes found somebody.

He says he doesnt want me! Then why did he make me fall in love with him? Its exactly 11.11.

God reduce my karmic retribution and give me love, please. Hold my hand dearest God and let me respect whosoever comes in front of me.

And yes God! Give Arun his Oscars. Realise all his dreams. Give him good health and untold happiness and make him wealthy. Be kind to him God and for me, let him realise the depth of my love for him.

Give my mother good health and a long life. Let me fulfil all my responsibilities toward her and help me support my family financially. Help me ease her pain and let me bring her infinite happiness.

Give my father infinite money and good health and a healthy happy life with good luck and good fortune.

Let my brother be happy healthy and let him live a long life with good luck and good fortune. Give my brother infinite money.

Let the world become wiser and wipe off poverty and stress from the world. Put an end to all the wars and all the hatred.

Please make Arun call me up. And let me not chew his brains. Let me bring him good moods and happiness.

Dear God, give me infinite wealth and health, love, happiness, safety, security, riches. Let my career shine.

Let me polish my life to brightness.

And give me good friends, not friends who take advantage of me.

Make all my friends super wealthy.

And tonight dearest God let me see good dreams that I remember when I wake up. Bring me good fortune at the workplace. 

Bless the world dearest God! Shower your blessings and Grace on Ma, pa, buro, sadhya and Arun.

Also bless me oh dearest of dearest God!

Help me live a righteous virtuous life honouring you. And let me be the chosen one.

Let me bring happiness and cheer to all the people in my life. And let me shine for all your glory. 

Bestow your great powerful light on me and my loved ones.

And let Arun be most happy.

Love, 

Me.

11.30 pm

Journal 6.47 pm on 3.9.2026 Just let go

Dear Journal, 

The prouder you are of your looks, money and status the meaner and the more horrible you will be toward the people in your life.

The things that you are most proud of will lead to your greatest downfall.

And even the greatest of lives faces downfalls and failure because we are taught as children that we have certain qualities and certain things to be proud of.

So may I always breed humility, compassion, courage, goodwill, joy and wisdom in my being. May I not dwell where I'm not wanted (apropos Arun).

And may I nurture and love all. May I be the most loving humanbeing ever. Because as life has taught me love is the only antidote, only miracle. 

Today I woke up around 12.30 that too when Tanya called. I missed meeting DiPan in the morning and I just got back after meeting her.

I poured my heart out to her about the problems I'm facing with Ma at home.

If I had not undergone the financial adversities of the last three years, I would have never understood the pains of poverty.

May I never discriminate. May I never look down upon people.

May I be most understanding.

May I be the financial backbone of society.  May I be the eyes of society. May I be the great pillar of society. May I be the great ship of society. And may I be giving and generous in every way. May I value time and money and effort.

It's exactly 7 pm. PaPa has been calling me. He wants to meet. I dont want to date him. Ive rejected him so many times. Will he please stop chasing now?

I am in no hurry to find someone to date. And I definitely dont want to date the wrong person. I wont be with just any guy. And I'll never watch porn. May I also give up smoking and never veer near a cigarette! And may I honour genuine people.

It's exactly 7.07 pm.

I think it's really time to let Arun go. Ive kept in touch with him for far too long after we broke up. He doesnt want me in his life. So enough!

He is always so rude. The last time I spoke to him,  he said: Youve started this again. That's an awfully dismissive thing to say.

But he did teach me all the lessons I needed to learn around love. I shouldnt stay where I'm not wanted. Ive overstayed my time.

May he realise that aggression doesnt get you what you desire and it definitely doesnt earn you any respect... that's the force of brutes.

And money and status and looks and clothes dont make personalities. What creates a personality is your heart and your values.

Dipika told me that since Ma doesn't want to engage in dialogue I should just base everything in my prayer.

These days I believe in God with all my heart and soul-- the highest virtuousness. May God make my life, may God direct me.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Focused

Wiser than yesterday

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.19 pm

Letter to God 1.43 pm on 3.9.2026 THE BIGGEST THANK YOU

Dearest God,

You have your own unique way of teaching me lessons. Before I tell you that life has been hard, I want to thank you for all the small and big blessings you have endowed me with.

I trust you, I believe you and I love you.

Thank you for your infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I want you to bring the person I'm supposed to marry into my life. I want lifelong companionship.

I want to be super rich so that I can give.

I want good health so that I can support myself.

And I want to stop smoking for life.

I want love at every quarter wherever I go.

I dont want to feel hatred and anger.

I want to give love to whoever I meet.

And somehow I want Arun in my life.

I want my parents, my brother and Arun and Sadhya to live long, healthy, happy lives with good health and good fortune.

I want to be lucky.

I want immense wealth and good fortune.

And I often wonder what is it that you need from me? What is it that you want me to do for you? Show me, tell me and it shall be done.

I want to be the eyes of society, the pillar of society, the great ship of society. And I want to unshackle all from my judgments.

All my friends who are struggling financially make wealthy.

Bless the world with immense good fortune.

Forever your greatest lover!

Doel

Journal 3.36 pm on 2.9.2026 Hatred is unbecoming

Dear Journal,

I just read something interesting and I want to record my thoughts on it.

When you judge someone and you condemn that person based on hatred, jealousy, envy, anger or any other negative emotion, you become just like that person.

If you judge someone for being poor, you will become poor. If you judge someone for being incompetent, you will exhibit incompetence. If you hate someone for being fat or ugly you will become fat or ugly.

This is why wars like between Israel and Palestine, or India and Pakistan are so confusing. The two enemies are just like each other. And if I hate Ma I will become like Ma, controlling and angry.

Love is the only antidote. Love is the only miracle. It is only love that can bring about a change. 

Even though I feel angry I must not forget my huge reservoirs of love. I love my mother. I love my brother, trying as they are. I love. 

I love everybody, including SaSe and Shanky.

When I left journalism and started pursuing theatre I used to judge my struggling friends. I got jobs easily while they were struggling with work and finances. I judged them as lazy. And now look where I am!

It is only benevolence that acts like a balm.

Yesterday SeeDhi told me that Im so like a gypsy living life on my own terms.

Anger is debilitating. Anger is a real poison that can kill you.

I really want to give up eating non veg. I feel bad for the animals I eat.

Where am I emotionally?

I feel the sexual urge a lot these days, especially towards Arun but I've decided that I'll never watch porn or masturbate. I only feel like doing that when I'm despondent. So there are better ways to be happy.

I feel like I should never cheat anyone in love and in finances so Ive been thinking that I HAVE TO pay back Arun his money.

I dont feel like trying towards Arun. He has expressed many times that he doesnt want a romantic bond. But I do love him.

I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards Ma. And I'm trying to understand that. She is controlling. She always has been all my life. But there is a way to tackle this with love and not with anger and hatred.

I bless my mother to be most loved and wiser. I bless her with beauty and joy and peace of mind. I bless her with pleasant emotions. I bless her with a long life with good health and good fortune. I bless her with absolute happiness.

I feel like my career needs a boost of good luck and good fortune.

I feel like I have some agency with my distance with Arun. I caused it and I feel sad about that even though he was the doer of the misdeeds.

I feel like I have to stop being lazy and critical and negative.

I feel like I have to uproot and destroy hatred in my being.

I feel like I have to be super rich and generous and give back to society.

I really want to quit smoking.

I think the insect in my dream that wanted to hurt my eyes was Ma. She wants to hurt my perception but I wont let her. I wish she was far far far more gentle and not so much like a man, aggressive and hurtful. 

I feel like being able to perceive Ma as gentle even though she is not.

I feel like Arun is trying to let me go in his prayers.

I am feeling:

Sexual

Happy

Will go down and have a cigarette.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

4.12 pm

Ps: And with regards to Arun and Ma and my career and my finances and my love life, social life, and professional life I surrender everything to the greatest goodness and to God. May the greatest goodness guide me in all my circumstances and all my decisions. May I always ALWAYS be guided with and by love and not with hatred. There are many reasons to let Arun go. He rejected my love and cheated on me. It's not just what Ma is praying for. Arun is a bigger player in this. And he always says he doesnt want me. So I'll give that to him. May he live a healthy and happy life with good luck and good fortune.

TAurad has been messaging me. May I have the happiest life with maximum love.

4.44 pm

Journal 1.28 pm on 2.9.2026 I must not hate Ma

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Im going up to the terrace. The terrace is not locked but it's shut and because Im scared of heights I dont venture there.

Then I saw myself enclosed in a huge closed space with pink walls and an insect with a long beak eyeing my eyes. I protect my eyes with a book or something and the insect with a swarm of other insects searches for an outlet out of the enclosed space.

I was in a space which was like a cathedral of a school.

I must not hate Ma. But she is not an easy woman. She is very difficult.

SBha has made me a job offer.

I must raise my vibration.

Ill make the most of today. I wonder if Arun will call me.

I am feeling:

Sexual

A little irritated

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.35 pm

Journal 10.11 pm on 1.9.2026 I dont know what to say

Dear Journal,

I get irritated when I see Ma chanting for long hours and staring at my feet. She prayed for me to quit journalism and is far from humane in her prayers. I view her as an extremely intellectual person but not a very wise person.

I dont want all her prayers regarding me to get answered. I really dont. The mother's ichinen must stop here. She's already invaded my private spaces and is too arrogant to be smart. Ma is a control freak, a highly volatile person who is not very smart.

But enough about her.

I watched Tarot videos all day and then I went to SeeDhi's house to study. Nimisha and Darshit were also there. I took a walk with Darshit after the meeting.

I got back home a while ago. And Im irritated with Ma. She is purposely despite my anger disrupting my life. She is so stupid!

I am feeling:

Irritated

Angry

Wish my mother was different and not so shallow.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy in my life.

Love,

Me.

10.26 pm

Journal 11.09 pm on 31.8.2026 Im feeling highly irritable

Dear Journal,

I come home after work every Monday to find that Ma has gone into my private spaces and placed everything in my room in disarray. No amount of pleading with her can stop her. So despite feeling angry, despite getting irritated I have to bear this!!!!!!! SHE IS SO ANNOYING! i'm feeling so angry with her... I hate this side of her when she makes no amends for anyone... I actually hate it... I hate certain aspects of her especially her control freakiness.

I woke up in the morning close to 9. But I dont remember my dream.

Arun called me up a little after 12. I know he cheated on me and yet, for a long time I've been harbouring feelings for him.

But one thing he said today did it. I was just affectionately teasing him about his nose and he said YOUVE STARTED THIS AGAIN. This is his signature line. Just like Pa's is IM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

As I taught my students today I reflected a lot on Arun. I was getting sexual thoughts and then I realised that he doesnt want what I want to give him. So I might as well pour all this love into myself.

His harshness today brought me to tears and I dont want to spend my days crying over him.

Im not ready to date someone new. He doesnt want to address essential issues. And we havent met in months! So this leaves me alone and Im frankly happy with that. Because Arun's anger leads me to depression. I was feeling so depressed today.

Tomorrow I have the study meet. Ill just watch Renaissance now and live my life to the fullest.

I am feeling:

Irritable

Self loving

Happy

Iam grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings and mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.27 pm