Journal 7.53 pm 17.6.2026 im feeling good

Dear Journal,

I've been sleeping till really late. Today Ma woke me up at 7.41. The pills are working their magic and I feel so much better.

I did my morning chanting, meditation, yoga and had a bath. I ate macaroni with egg for breakfast. It was real yum!

I wore my pink and white check shirt with my blue trousers. I rushed out of the house because I was running really late. Sud kakima came home then because she was accompanying Ma and Pa to Munima's house. Obviously she gave me two huge plops of kisses.

I caught a bus and made my way to work.

AfShe was really irritable. He is a lonely sort of chap. I sit all alone with him and work. Just me and him. Hope he turns out to be a decent sort of chap.

I hope I can convert some students to regular classes soon.

I spoke to Bishuda. He is doing a play.

DeJh came to meet me near my office. He was on his way to Gujarat. He gave me chocolates and a fridge magnet. We grabbed coffee, bantering for about half an hour. Then he made his way to Borivli for his train. He looked quite stressed out.

Im home now. I took a comfortable Metro ride home. 

I feel physically tired coming back from the busyness of Andheri station to my tranquil apartment. Otherwise I feel really good.

I think I can safely say that I'm over Arun. I love him for the memories. I don't know frankly if there will be more memories with him in the future.

I am feeling:

Tired but not fatigued

Happy

Loving

Sweet

Fresh from my bath

In a good mood

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Now I'll go chat with Twi, chant and work on my novel.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Journal 10.03 pm 16.6.2026 I just got back home

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I spent considerable time with Twi. I saw her sitting downstairs when I was going for work this morning.

I spoke to Arun last night. He was quite rude. That helped in getting over him today.

I woke up at 8.40! Ive had too many cigarettes today.

I chanted, I meditated but due to paucity of time had to skip yoga. I also haven't written my novel for 3 days.

I woke up around 3 am feeling really depressed but I'm feeling better now. I fell asleep again well after 4.

Work was decent. I had class with a sweet Muslim boy called Huzaifa.

I went to meet Krao in the evening with Ma and Pa. He has put me on an antidepressant.

The work I have to do is easy. It's just the small travel by bus and the hustle and bustle of Andheri station that is nervewracking.

The weather has been really hot. No sign of the rains.

Dejh said he will meet me tomorrow for a bit. He wants to give me some chocolates he got from Turkey.

I've taken my medication after eating a piece of fish fry.

Now I'll bathe, eat dinner, chant and go to sleep.

The days are getting better. Today I didn't think about Arun that much. I've gone back to smoking beedis because of the cost.

I am feeling:

Melancholic

Stable

Breathing heavily

A slight heartbreak

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.13 pm

Journal 8.47 pm 15.6.2026 a little sad yet full of love

Dear Journal,

It's so hot! So humid! Right now there is a cool breeze blowing. I've had 15 cigarettes today-- a bit much!

Today I woke up at 6.25. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine and 30 minutes of yoga.

I had chilla for breakfast. I had a bath and wore my white kurta with grey jeggings. Then I lay down and rested.

I left for Andheri station at 10.15. I got a bus easily and a place to sit.

The work with AfShe was about business development. I have a lecture tomorrow. I had two cups of coffee during the day. The man is a little khitkhite.

I spoke to DeJh over the phone. He has been messaging me since. I spoke to PrZo too.

I came home at 6.40 thinking that the pay is so low and I should go it on my own. I spoke to AmBhe and spent considerable time with Twi.

Twi is so sweet. I told her about my sadness that I'm struggling in my career, about my mental health. She said that it's all about the medication. All I need is a small dose everyday and to not skip my medication. I think I'll buy her something for her birthday.

I think I'll do this job for another 3, 4 months and then I'll go it on my own.

I'm so tired from the day and yet so alert and fresh.

Arun was supposed to call me up but he didn't. He crosses my mind each day and with thoughts of him come the thoughts of loss and longing. Will I ever love another as I loved him? Will there be another? This brings tears to my eyes.

I think instead of spending time writing my novel now, I'll bathe, chant and work on my online teacher profile. If I get even a few students I'll be able to make it.

I regret borrowing money from Arun, I regret skipping my pills. How did Arun feel when all that happened?

He is so detached. He doesnt message, doesnt call. I'm hurt.

I came home and had a boiled egg, fish fry, aloo Parathas, roshogolla and curd. That's dinner.

I am feeling:

A sense of love

A little longing

Calm

Peaceful

Bright

Alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

The bag on my birthday was sent by DeJh.

Love,

Me.

9.05 pm

Success

I've tasted success,

I know what it feels like;

It's more than preaching

Over a mike.

The other day I sombrely walked

As all my ships lay in the dock

And I threw one party

Then another on my boat

And tides raged in 

And I swam afloat.

There is no antidote for laziness

But work

True golden work

And work I must

And daily toil

For the ryot

And the fairies

And the pygmies all mine.

It's late today

But time is a fallacy

And my striving

Not a mere heresy.

Success knocks on my door

As I am busy

Polishing the floor

And the lights are lit

And I have arrived

With companions

From far and wide.

The wildflowers

Know not what to say

And my journey is safe

As I sail

Into the vast expanse

Of love and life

And what will prevail

Is success in hindsight.

-- Doel Sengupta

Friends

I've walked a lonely path till now

And many friends have appeared.

Now I seek to abandon small whims

Lest one more disappears.

That day as were driving by the sea

You held my hand and called me sweet

And sooner than I knew it my love

You escaped into the wilderness

And that was really tough.

I know some day again

You'll kiss me true

And I'll wipe off your tears

And drink your pain

So that you can dance about

And enjoy the rain.

That day is not far 

When victory bells toll

For a heart expanded

Instead of lying low.

Love is all there is really

That goes around

Everything else is a byproduct,

A life's lovely sound.

my only honey

By Doel Sengupta

I wish the hurt and pain never occured,

I wish I had never lost my mind

Peace is a treasure that has returns manifold

And these days that is where my energies lie.

I wish you were still there for me

Having you to caress and cajole

But nowadays the dogs bark all day

And this night is surely cold.

I wonder if you think about me Life

Where there is love that is where I find

That symphony of Love and Life are gold

It's a jewel that i wish to continually hold.

I think you know when I tell you sweet

Not having you near me brings on the heat

And try as I might now my efforts are small

But soon in the wild forests I stand tall.

Someone somewhere asked me for money

And I became protective and left being sunny

And in the evening when the crows caw

I regret losing my mind-- my biggest pause.

I love literally all of you

And not having you makes me so blue;

I want to tell you pretty neatly 

That decidedly I can't change you

But Ive changed myself

And that is all it takes,

A microsecond of prayer,

A whole box full of poetry

And one small dereliction within me

Is that you are my only honey.

A letter to my future self (4 years from now)

Dearest Doel of 2030,

How are you? You've arrived! And how!

Do you remember the fears and the heartaches of today 14.6.2026?

You must still be in touch with Arun!

And possibly there have been many attractions!

And possibly the pains of 14.6.2026 are not really there on 14.6.2030.

Many opportunities have come and you have held your own.

You must be sweeter, kinder, more courageous by now!

Today you start a job teaching English. You've got four casting calls in the past one month. Even though hope seems the only thing you are clinging on to there is so much to be grateful for.

Your parents are there. Your friends are there. There is food. There is money. There is love. There are clothes. And books. And resources. And the novel you are writing.

And then there is Arun.

How is all that today? I reckon everything is far sweeter and smoother by now.

Don't be lazy. Don't ever be lazy. And always remember how small you are in the realm of the whole universe. One whole universe by yourself but so miniscule in front of the gigantic wonderment of it all!

Love,

Me.

14.6 2026