Green Tree

Not one tree gets pruned for all eternity. All the humanoids are arrnihilates tonight!

Honey

It's a golden morning in the month of March

And love comes calling and i savour the starch;

I live a magical life drowning in money

And i always have you, my favourite, my sweet honey.

Love comes calling

It's a dreary morning

And i am working hard

And you eat cream with me

And savour the lard.

And in the middle of the day

As i'm busy

Love comes calling

For all eternity.

Journal 31.1.2026 9.29 am i miss Arun

Dear Journal,

I have/had the worlds bestt boyfriend and im thinking about him conatantly. He is always on my mind.

I am not angry with him.

I cant lovw without him.

Im two hours early for the Nica convention. Im just walking around.

Can't write more.

Arun... the guy who warms my spirit.

Love,

Me.

9 31 pm

Journal 29.1.2026 11.22 am a dream of marrying my first cousin

Dear Journal,

Just like that Jan went by.

I woke up from a dream in the morning where i saw that i married my first cousin Kutda and society and people about me were abuzz about it. Like how did I do that-- marry my first cousin?

I saw that my first cousin had chosen to marry me, done everything to marry me and in the dream i remember looking at his face and thinking this is the man i married.

We had a good relationship, a good companionship in the dream. I remember him sinking into sand at the beach and me sinking but jumping out and he gets encapsulated in the sand neck-down and breaks himself free and two rows of tiles break on the pavement there as he breaks free.

Then i am making a choice in the dream to eat at a restaurant and i woke up.

Last evening Husnaa came home. We bought beer and talked late into the night. It was so much fun! A girl's night after such a long time.

I even took walks with Twi.

I had to meet Suma today but woke up so late i had to cancel it.

Today Va Per said he's coming home. Everytime i want to make some movement in my life some social obligation comes up. After Va Per leaves I'll probably shoot Tarot videos. I want to be super rich. I do.

I wonder how Arun is. I'm just thinking about him and it's always been like this for the past three years. I'm not obsessed. He is always on my mind. I don't know for once what to write about him.

I don't want to lose our connection.

I am feeling:

Dirty because i didn't have a bath yesterday.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life. I am grateful for abundance.

Ma fell from a chair yesterday and is really hurt.

Love,

Me.

11 36 am

Journal 28.1.2026 1.28 pm a hodge podge

Dear Journal,

I've just been smoking and writing and reading all day long and of course ruminating ever since i met Arun and various things are going on in my mind.

I really want to show up for my Buddhism, for my Tarot channel, i even want to show up for him but he said he doesn't want that. He wants his family.

That leaves me in a very precarious position-- without his friendship. I'm not blaming myself anymore, but I'm also not blaming him. This is how things are.

I don't want to feel sad and I don't want to feel that I've lost him.

Arun is so demanding!

I want my mental peace and I want my stability. I really want that.

The reason I friendzoned him is because he always treated me as an option and that hurt me a lot. But there is no love without pain.

I don't want to be alone. And i really genuinely, with all good intentions want him in my life and i want to be there for him.

I love his warmth and his care.

I really regret hurting him.

He was so dismissive of me when we met on Saturday? Why is he like this? So harsh! I felt so gloomy all evening.

And i've really tried to move on from him. What does he want me to do?

What i want to do is really take space and time and give him space and time till we are clearer about what we want. And till then i don't want him to suffer and I don't want to suffer. And i want him to be happy and stable.

And i don't want him to hold this against me. I want him to perceive me as someone who can provide him stability and peace. I really want that even though the odds seem against that.

I need his love and care and i know he will take his time with that.

And i want him in my life.

Today i want to chant. Uploading Tarot videos is out of the question with how I'm feeling.

Arun hurt me on many levels. Firstly, he is married and that is painful. Then he has these special women in his life who he claims to love still. Do i need that? Can i handle that? It brings me a lot of pain. I think it's unfair. I never compare him to other men. And i hope he changes this, i don't know if he will.

He needs stability but for some reason he doesn't want that. And i'm craving stability.

And was he serious that he wants me out of his life? Because if that is the Truth that is another pain I'll have to deal with. I should face this fact. I really miss N. I wish i could talk to her.

I want myself to be whole and happy and healthy and productive making money. 

And i want Arun to achieve his goals and be happy and take care of his health.

May be i'm not accepting the fact that i also want his love. But is he capable of giving me his love? Does he want to? I don't want to be deluded about that. I want clarity about that.

I love him but I'm averse to feeling pain and hurt. How can you love a married man who wants his family. You should let him go.

But then the loss of the connection and the loss of the person are too huge to bear.

I don't want to break down. I really don't want to be in shambles. I'm just out of depression.

And i don't want to lose my mind.

How does he cope when he needs someone to talk to? Who does he talk to?

I talk to you dear journal and to God and i don't want to be so alone.

I should not have given him the 6 months timeframe but I was in very low life condition.

I am feeling:

Mildly disturbed

Ruminating

Regretful

Full of love and devotion

Sad

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1 53 pm

Self-fulfilling expectations

Now here is a special theory,

A quandary of the mind

That leaves people way ahead

And some grappling far behind.

It's called holding self-fulfilling expectations

Like the Pygmalion Effect that resounds

And explains why some are irresponsible 

And some are rightly duty-bound.

It explains optimism and pessimism

And the role that they justly play

In getting what you want in life

Or how far you've come in life's way.

It's a matter of belief, of the Truth

You hold close to your heart,

So let me explain this theory to you,

Now where should we start?

In a situation when you are grappling

You get what you expect,

Whether its success you want near

Or failure has laid in the mind its bed.

And this is where one must rely

On the mind's higher powers,

To be more optimistic, more happy

Even when reality is stark.

Have those high expectations

Don't let people fall in your mind's eye;

Expect the money and the adulations,

Expect the best for your life.

Because people behave as you expect,

And you get what you always wanted

Because life is a wish-granting jewel

And by our dreams is fulfilled.

It's not really about being positive,

It's about holding your self in high esteem,

About feeling successful and deserving

When all about you is reeling.

So today pick out a notebook

And a very beautiful pen

And write the story of your life

Where you are the hero no matter when.

And even as i tell you this

I must follow my own advice

Because i'm also a criminal

Who expected the worst in hindsight.

So will you join me on this journey

Of making beautiful amends

So that we can travel far together

And eat off the jewels life has sent.