Infinite love

It's been a while since

I gazed at you fully

And even then you

Love only me truly

And you are captivated

By the rustling of the grass

As I drink glass upon glass

Of putrid medicines,

Putrid Gold

And your cheeks

I would like to hold.

It amazes me

How you can be so influenced,

How gullible you are!

And some day

Youll lay to rest

All the outer bars

And measure

Me originally

In your heart

And find that

The infinite love

For you there

Would always last!

Journal 9.00 pm on 28.10.2026 when did I become so lazy and why?

Dearest Journal,

I had a dream in the morning that a certain green plot of land was out of bounds and had been shut with wooden doors. I approach a lady cop to get through and finally the door opens.

And then I saw that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there because she has a mental health problem. Then in a bit I woke up. I wonder what this dream means?

When did I become so Goddarned lazy? Why am I not taking steps towards my future? I want to be a successful writer... why am I behaving so lazily?!

It's because of ADe that I met Krao. I hope she is fine.

I woke up in the morning a little after 11.30. There was no breakfast for me. I had Hilsa for lunch.

I didnt even take a bath today. S Ojha invited me for the screening of his film.

I sent the invite to Twi and Arun. Twi said she is interested. Arun didnt reply. He is also not telling me when he wants to meet me.

I lazed around all day long. I watched this. Then I watched that.

I didnt go to Maa Studio today. If I had I would have worked on my book. Also my laptop! I hope Manit can repair it.

It's been helluva long ride. I wish my mom had no problem with me being a journalist. I find her too judgmental. When I was working in the newsroom she said those who become journalists are not good at studies. Im feeling irritated with her.

Pa and she have gone for a building meeting.

1. Something I accomplished.

Rest.

2. Something I handled well.

Arun's silence. Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated.

My family's support. Friends. Food. Sadhya and Bu sent pics of the food they are eating. Sadhya has a headache because of the non veg smell in Hanoi.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

Rest. Now Ill chant after dinner.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

Im lazy.

6. Something I appreciated about myself.

Im generous.

I am feeling:

Irritated with Ma.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.16 pm

Journal 11.37 am on 28.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that a certain space was out of bounds and I approach a woman cop to get me past it.

Finally I have access to the space. And it turns out that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there.

Then I see myself lying on the ground and a certain lady is getting videographed for a shot.

And a girl with cropped hair keeps telling her that her eyes are splitting. 

Love,

Me.

11.41 am

Journal 9.49 pm on 27.10.2026 im trying

Dear Journal,

I went to sleep rather late last night. I woke up after 12.

I dreamt in the morning that I was dyeing my hair with my fingers. Then later I saw a dream that a palmist was trying to locate circles on my palm and I spotted one circle on his palm on the mount of moon.

I ate lunch. Roti with chicken; and didnt pray after waking up.

Well after 4 I left to go to Maa Studio. I met a guy called V Singh there who smiled at me and started talking with me.

He was telling me about his girlfriend. We spent a good three hours talking. At some point I told him that I have an ex who I still love. And V Singh said: "Lose weight and your ex will fall in love with you again." Hmm... I have become fat. Ive gained 10 kgs in 4 months. 

Then there was another chap. D Singh. He also struck conversation with us. There were two girls working on a script and I wanted to talk to them but they didnt want to talk to us.

So me and V Singh smoked cigarettes and chatted. I had a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. And then I came home.

I even wrote a little of my book today! I could have written more!

I met Twi but she was busy with Mrs Pancholi senior. So I bought three cigarettes and came home. I just finished chanting with Ma and Pa.

Pa told me not to chant in such a nasal tone-- he said that it hurts the ear. Hmm.

1. Something I accomplished.

Wrote a little of my book. Socialised. Spent quality time with Ma and Pa.

2. Something I handled well.

Social life. I need to put in more effort in my book.

3. Something I appreciated.

Ma and Pa and their support of me. Food. Money. Shelter. My blissful sleep. It was good talking to V Singh. I told him that Im looking for a job. He asked me if I want to work as a casting assistant and I said No. He said... Think About It.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I wrote my book. I prayed. I feel like Ive fallen in love with Arun again. I so miss him. He messaged that we would definitely go for a walk this week. I want to kiss his cheek.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

I am a great conversationalist. The Tarot is an icebreaker. I need more focus on my work. And that I cant afford to sleep for such a long time.

6. Something I appreciated about myself.

I am sincere in love. Ive been most loyal towards Arun. And Im really missing him.

I am feeling:

Happy

I feel i smell good today

Full of love for Arun

So grateful to have chanted with Ma and Pa

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.06 pm

Journal 1.18 pm on 27.10.2026 I love Arun

Dearest Journal,

I go to sleep imagining im loving Arun. I wake up imagining Im loving Arun. There is no other guy on my mind. I love love love my Alun.

In the morning I had a dream that I was touching up my hair with dye. I was applying the dye to my whites with my fingers-- something Ill never do in waking life.

I had a more elaborate dream but I dont remember it.

Love,

Me.

1.21 pm

Ps: I also remember someone reading my palm in my dream and looking for circles.

2.30 pm

Journal 11.19 pm on 26.10.2026 I miss Arun

Dear Journal,

Im again down with that ears ringing feeling and at such times I miss Arun inordinately. I love him. I miss him. I so deeply miss him.

Today after lunch I went and sat at Maa Studio.

I met three guys over there out of which two asked for my number, one read my hand with a pen and one of them has been messaging me since. But I havent replied to him messages. I dont want to. He has been sharing photographs of himself and I think that's a little inappropriate.

Then I came home and played with my cards. Then I dunked the cards in my bag and went for the supplementary zadankai.

Dipan and Seedhi didnt have time to play with the cards so i went to Jayanthika's house to do Tarot for her.

Her questions were the obvious ones. And she said she enjoyed the card reading thoroughly.

I miss Arun. I really do. I miss talking to him. I was telling Jayanthika about him. She is just 25! A little girl.

I played with her cat and came home. I really want Arun to call me up soon.

I think after this entry Ill just go down for a short walk.

1. Something I accomplished today.

Relationships.

2. Something I handled well.

Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated. 

My family. ARUN. Jayanthika's independence. All my Gakkai friends. And the free palmistry I got today.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Managing relationships.

I am feeling:

Dry in the Ac

Happy

Agitated

Full of love for Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.28 pm

Journal 1.24 pm on 26.10 2026 a glimmer of a dream

Dear Journal,

Before I woke up I had a lucid dream of staying in a house van with mine and other house vans being parked in a green yard. I saw Arun and Ma in the dream.

Im a little worried about Arun. He said he had a backache. Hed also suffered fractures so Im a little bit worried.

I really love him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Loved

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Ill be leaving to go to Maa Studio after lunch... after two.

Love,

Me.

1.28 pm