Journal 6.43 pm on 12.7 2026 carp dont climb into Dragongate

Dear Journal,

I can't completely get over Arun. It's hard. Even though he is so much older and so much more into materialism, I can't get over him completely.

I have had just four cigarettes today. The last one was due to temptation.

I woke up around 9.18 today from a cryptic dream. I dreamt that someone was talking to me about the eight limbs of yoga and then I was supposed to explain yamas and niyamas to somebody and my brain in the dream got obssessed on yamas and niyamas without expounding them.

I woke up and had a cigarette.  It was very difficult to not have that first cigarette.

Ma says that she is feeling so much better. Every few hours she is supposed to eat something so I went and gave her a bottle of soup. She is in the middle of a society meeting.

I got messages from Auradkar to teach at Metamorphose. That means foregoing cigarettes for about 9 hours each day. I can do that.

Just four cigarettes today. That's got to be some kind of record!

I went for my Gosho study today and we studied Dragongate. Surmounting our difficulties is like carp climbing 100 feet up a waterfall to enter Dragongate-- a near impossible task. So is it better to embrace our circumstances rather than obsessing over climbing upstream up a waterfall as carp try to do.

What I understood was that difficulties are bound to arise and Buddhahood is right here in the here and now. I also learnt that hoben means to prepare and juryo means to manifest and at each moment it's our ichinen which is important. 

I came home and had dal with chorchori and muro jhol bhaat. The muro was yum. The food was spiceless and yummy.

I then chanted for half an hour. Or was that before lunch? I think it was before.

Yesterday Shou messaged me that he feels like someone is doing black magic on him. Now I really dont want to mingle with his craziness. I told him I'll call him today. Lets see.

I studied the Gosho study. And then I read a little of the Introductory exam book.

I'm so proud of myself! Just four cigarettes today! Soon it will be none.

I dont know whether I should call up Shou.

Psha came in looking so pretty in a saree for the meeting today.

I think I'll chant a bit and study. Hopefully my laptop will be repaired by tomorrow. I feel bad that I'm putting Pa through this.

The other day AstAro said that she has a habit-- when she earns money the first thing she does is invest. I think I'll follow her norm too. I hope Arun is doing well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.05 pm

Journal 9.42 am 12.7 2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a drean where someone is talking about the 8 limbs of yoga (Ashtanga) and I get stuck on yamas and niyamas-- im supposed to talk to someone about yamas and niyamas in the dream.

I then woke up and had one cigarette and coughed myself through it. Cigarettes dont suit me anymore. I have a meeting at 11.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sweaty

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

Love,

Me.

9.46 am

Journal 9 51 pm on 11.7.2026 coming clean

Dear Journal,

Firstly I have to come clean. I cant afford to smoke cigarettes anymore. Many many dreams that I saw portended to my present circumstances. I am cash-strapped and poor. I barely have any money. I hope to turn around my circumstances.

Today I woke up in the morning well before 8. I smoked a few cigarettes and sat and chanted for Ma's endoscopy and colonoscopy. I was feeling so stressed out. Again there are some blisters on my foot. I messaged Krao and he reduced the dosage of Trancodol.

Ma's friend Sudeshna came home. She gifted me a handmade paper book. That was really sweet of her.

Everybody pitched in today. Hospital bills are so expensive! Ma just came to scold me. Ma's scopy tests showed that he stomach is lined with ulcers. Dimma's problem had also started with just that-- ulcers.

I CAN'T SMOKE CIGARETTES ANYMORE. IN EVERY WAY I JUST CANT AFFORD TO ANYMORE.

If I had to pinpoint one reason my circumstances are such it's because of my mental health. I often wonder whether I should take down all my videos from Facebook. I will do that.

I really hope to get a job and I hope Pa can get my laptop repaired.

I am feeling:

Slightly heart hurt

Solemn

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.01 pm

Journal 10.11 pm on 10 7 2026 ma has an endoscopy

Dear Journal,

I woke up to exhortations and sweet-talking by DeJh. It was all too much. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable and he hasnt messaged since. I'm so relieved.

Then I was gripped by such an anxiety attack that I called up Krao. He asked me to go meet him. He told me that the anxiety is probably because Im lonely. I agree. He asked me to keep a watch on it but said it's nothing really to worry about. He gave me career advice today.

Then I came home and went for the dpm. Ma has her colonoscopy and endoscopy tomorrow and Im really nervous. I came home and chanted for another half an hour.

I hope my laptop gets repaired soon.

I am feeling:

Slightly nauseous

Awake

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.16 pm

Journal 10.09 am on 10.7 2026 i dont have feelings for DeJh... im bugged

Dear Journal,

I've been afflicted with a bout of diarrhoea.

DeJh has been behaving as if he has feelings for me. I keep blowing him off. I'm not interested in him at all. I keep saying no to all his 'Lets go shopping' pleas and frankly, Im a little bugged.

Yesterday I went to meet NiJa and I told her about my buzzing in the ears feeling. She flagged it off as psychosis. Surprisingly yesterday I did not get the feeling. It's just my imagination! Why am I stuck in this space?

Yesterday DiPan and AsthAro also came home. It was fun!

I had a dream last to last night that Buro wants to eat the Muro (fish head) of a fish.

I dont remember any dream from last night. Now I'll sit and chant.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Eager for a breakthrough

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.15 pm

Journal 7 46 pm on 8.7.2026 a day well-tried

Dear Journal,

I woke up today at 10.08 am. Im really sleeping a lot! I dont know why. I dont remember my dream from the morning.

I tried switching on my laptop but it just wont come on. I hope the repair doesnt cost too much. I'm out of Applecare insurance. I need to reply to many mails.

I spent the day basically doing what I would call manifesting. I went down for a walk and walked for about half an hour.

I really want to quit smoking. It would save me a lot of trouble.

I spent the day feeling so much love in my heart it was unbelievable.

Ma and Pa and Buo have gone to the doctor because Ma is not feeling too well. And Melon is at home with me. I cant go down for a walk.

PZo told me he needs to discuss something with me but I dont want to be such good friends with him.

DeJh just messaged. I think I'll reply to him later. If only I could quit smoking.

I am feeling:

Happy

Solemn

Loving

I hope Ma recovers well from whatever is afflicting her.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.55 pm

Journal 9.07 pm 7.7.2026 why do I feel so?

Dear Journal,

I came back after meeting See Dhi about an hour ago. Meeting her makes me feel so anxious. She has a visibly more macabre outlook on life than most people.

I feel the strange ringing in my ears feeling again. It is accompanied by a feeling that a higher power is trying to communicate with me.

I spent the day chanting and going through Tarot videos.

I wish I wasnt feeling this lump in my throat and oh so activated. I also missed Arun a lot today.

I feel like crying actually.

I helped Pa and Ma with the vessels since Moddeley is not coming to work.

I has doodh bhaat kola gud for dinner.

I think I'll go take a walk.

I am feeling:

Alright. A little happy sad mixed.

Totally in love with Arun.

Full of love.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9 14 pm