Journal 1.42 pm on 10.9.2026 I feel so much love

Dear Journal,

My periods just started.

I had a dream that I was eating Uncle Chips but there was another brand that I saw that I wanted to try which looked like it was better quality. 

Actually this was part of a larger dream that I dont remember.

I woke up a little before 10 and prepared for my lecture. I had class with my student Madhav.

Then I bathed. I have been thinking that I cant put a stop to Ma rummaging through my stuff. I should just let it be.

I miss Arun. I feel a whole lot of love for him. I love him 

I am feeling:

Happy

Love

Periody

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1 47 pm

Journal 9.01 pm on 9.9.2026 hope Arun had a great birthday

Dear Journal,

I hope Arun had a great birthday!

I spoke to him and it was all fine till it was time to say bye. As I was bidding him goodbye out came the words: Muwaah to you on your left cheek. I dont know why I said that. And I hope he is not upset. The words just blurted out may be because I was happy because he said he will call me once a week.

Anyhow Im so happy we are on talking terms again.

Today Ma and I did not fight. I arranged my cupboard. I even went to the garden to do yoga and had coconut water. Im spending too much money on cigarettes. I want to quit smoking.

In the morning I taught my student Madhav. He said he enjoyed the lecture. I wanted to talk to Tejal but she said she's busy. I even lay down in the afternoon because my heart was heavy after the altercation with Ma yesterday. I do love my mother. I really do. And my dad and my brother and Sadhya and of course Arun. I love all my friends. And Id rather love than hate anybody. Even my worst enemy I do not hate. I judge people by their karma.

If someone does me wrong Ill stop talking to them but I will still wish them well. Why am I like this? Why am I so soft and so kind?

Before going to sleep i'll message Arun the last birthday wish from me. I really hope he had a fantastic day. I prayed a lot for it.

I spent some time with Twi today till Marzoo came along. I dont know why but me and Marzoo dont talk that much. So I got up and walked for about 10 minutes and had a cigarette.

I did yoga today after months. I hope I dont blurt out muwaaah with Arun again. Muwaaah to him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Exhausted for some reason

Full of love

A little aggressive

Benevolent

I think I'll eat my dinner and pray and sleep. Im also thinking of picking up a book to read.

I really wish Arun's day ends well.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.14 pm

Ps: Today I thought that I'll take care of myself the way I would take care of someone else. I cant abandon myself. Tomorrow Ill go to get my laptop repaired and to the bank. I'll wear something nice.

9.16 pm

Letter to Arun 2.54 pm on 9.9.2026 my dearest, my babiest

My dearest, cutest, sweetest and babiest Arun,

My deepest desire today is to give you a huge plop on your cheeks and click pictures as I do that.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY babe... I love you!

I wont write in this letter about my life. May be some other day. Im facing a lot of strife at home just these days. My mother's rage is getting out of hand and violent and toxic. And it's all directed at me.

So there is a lot of grief in my heart and my heart feels heavy. But under such circumstances we exchanged messages! That just made my day.

A bite on your nose and lots and lots of kisses and hugs for you everyday.

Love,

Doel

2.58 pm

Happy birthday

It's a wonderful day today,

It is your very happy birthday

And my heart is hurt slightly

Because you are so far away.

On this day you were born

A whole 55 years ago,

You wisdom with brawn

So beautiful all aglow.

I wish you the best life,

I wish you happiness each day,

I wish you zero strife

And wishes answered on this day.

When you cut your cake

Remember me so sound,

Because nothing is at stake

Because what comes around, goes around.

Make a thousand beautiful dreams

Happen in life's wondrous way,

I wish you a very happy birthday once again!  And all your dreams soar up and away!

Letter to God 12.50 pm on 9.9.2026 Give Arun the happiest life

Dear God,

It's Arun's birthday today! And he thanked me! That makes my gloom dissipate a little. I love love love my Arun, like from the bottom of my being.

Give him the best day ever Oh God! Give him the best life! And I want him to be a part of my life's journey.

Let today be a good day for me too oh God! It's Arun's birthday! It's a happy day!

Dont let Ma fight with me today. Give me respect oh God from all quarters. And make me wealthy and rich, like really really stinking rich!

Let me de independent oh God! Let me never have to depend on anyone!

Youve told me to chant each day. And I do that.

Im feeling so listless and unmotivated like there is a huge burden on my heart. That's what grief feels like.

God I want to talk to Arun over the phone and hear his voice. Can you make that happen?

God: There are many things to see and many things to learn but more than that right now it's about how will you earn. I shower you with blessings, I shower you with joy and I feel that youve become oh so coy! May happiness be your name, may love be your soul and on this day, Arun's birthday I make you whole!

Thank you so much oh God for your blessings!

I love you,

Me.

1.01 pm

Journal 9 02 am on 9.9.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that me and a bunch of other kids are going to study in a school far away and we need money.

There is a lake or something. And one of the boys dips in and starts swimming. And he tells me that he needs to send Rs 10 lakh home every year so he has to earn money.

I tell him that I need money too and all of us can make things out of coconut shells and earn money.

Then I take an empty coconut shell and keep thinking what to do with it. The empty coconut shell's interior is covered with haldi and oil as if something had been cooked in it. And I start applying this mix on my face. Then I woke up!

I hope Arun has a fantastic day today.

I am feeling:

Slightly gloomy

Groggy

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9 08 am

Help!

I sat by the seaside feeling oh so forlorn

Wondering which chapter from life's book had been torn,

What I wondered were the lessons to be learnt

So that Im never again slashed and burnt. 

Ive made a habit out of blessing all

Even as life is just as funny as Lucile Ball.

It's a special time in my life

When I have connected with the higher divine. 

I have so many friends who love me and are concerned

That again and again I wont be slashed and burnt!

Help me give up all habits harmful

As my chalice you keep always full!

Surround me with loving friends,

Newer forays and by the bends

Give me courage and hope!