Journal 5.40 pm ist on 12.6.2026 I got the job

Dearest Journal,

Last night I spent some time with Twi. Even Sadhya and Buro came home. Sadhya complained about Buro but it's nothing serious. Buro came in looking tired and seriously tanned.

I went to sleep around 1 am. I woke up at 7.41 feeling a tad groggy. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine, stepped out to get some sun and did some light stretches. Ma was busy with Saurabh Bothra.

I had 4 cutlets for breakfast, had a bath and wore my AND orange shirt and brown trousers. I then sat with the news. Then I left for the interview.

The man I met was affable but worried. He said his business is down in the dumps. He then told me that I'm overqualified for the job. However, he offered me the job. The pay is peanuts but he said he'll double my salary if I do well and plus there are incentives. It's 6 pm now.

This is something I want to do. I'm best positioned when I can inspire the person in front of me. The place of my work is my Buddha land where I shìne brightest. I think this is a good opportunity. I start Monday.

I came home and researched about the things I could talk about. I went through some Ted Talks.

I had lau, dal, keema with rice and a mango for lunch. Duma has made me some sheera.

I watched more talks after lunch. Ma shouted at me over coffee consumption.

I think I need to change my heart towards my mother. Kind of perceive her differently, like a whole woman. She is strong but she has a tendency to be too aggressive. But she is loveable. Like when she dances these days to videos as exercise. She is a happy person.

The song Lilabali was stuck in my head all day long. I've had 6 cigarettes so far.

I think when the speech is pure the voice is golden, when the actions are pure and well-intentioned the body glows and when the mind is well-balanced, grateful, appreciative and happy there is strength.

I've stopped overthinking. Somehow writing about my feelings and thoughts in this journal has caused me to step back and observe my feelings and thoughts with awareness. So I think. Mostly over the stick. But I'm not ruminating so much these days.

I read a little Daisaku Ikeda too.

Now I'll chant and then work on my novel.

I just hope I have good energy for the work I'm meant to do and that my health supports me. The salary will also allow me to pay Arun back.

I am feeling:

Happy

Balanced

Centred

Slightly sticky

I find the breeze from the fan heavenly

Sweet

Focused

Determined

I am grateful that I've found work as a soft skills trainer. I think I will be able to perform really well at this job.

I am grateful for graceful loving relationships. 

I am grateful for food, shelter and money and work. They sustain me.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for my clothes, my footwear, my family, my home, my bed, my laptop, the internet and wifi.

I am grateful that I'm healthy.

I am grateful for society.

Love,

Me.

6.23 pm

Becoming

I sat and counted all my pennies 

And bought myself a chicken fry

And even though im losing attachment

I still love you so I could cry.

The other day I sat and wondered

How unbecoming I became

And now im paving the path

To many victories come storm or gale.

There is love on the horizon

And a plush preaching job

And with the whose who

I banter looking veritably tiptop.

I am the greatest of the greatest

The highest of the highs

And soon you enter my life 

So sweetly i could cry.

Now ive become stoic and clear

So pretty that I only see and hear

With a clear mind, a brand new gate

What is becoming now? Is this my fate?

Journal 6.23 pm on 11.6.2026 so much to be grateful for

Dear Journal,

It's Sonam's birthday today. I wished her. It's been so long. I just got off after massaging Ma's back. She has some tension in the hip area. She really enjoyed the massage. That makes me feel so good!

I went to sleep at 2 am last night. This late sleep cycle cannot continue. I woke up at 7 feeling foggy and groggy. I did my morning chanting and meditation and went out for a short walk. Then I came home and did a few yogasanas.

I'm wearing a short white dress with courduroy pants. I had upma for breakfast. I don't particularly like upma but this was yum.

I oil pulled and went in for a soothing bath. I oiled my hair. 

Then I consumed the news a bit. Then I settled down to send a few emails. Last night I sent Arun a message that I deleted in the morning. I wonder how he is? 

I got an interview call today. I hope for the best!

I had shaag, chokha, cauliflower, and fish curry with rice for lunch. I polished it off with a mango. It was truly yum.

Having a few tasks to do each day makes the day more manageable. I settled down to watch Ted Talks.

Oh yes! Ma completely lost it in the morning again. And I reacted badly reducing me to tears. I think Ma probably has stresses on her mind. Probably related to me. That is why she flushes out her frustrations on me. I should really appreciate her more and not get into a negative loop everytime there is an altercation.

I'll sit and write my novel now and read Daisaku Ikeda. I saw some very interesting Ted Talks-- on neuroplasticity, on designing your life, on creating luck, on appreciation. Once in a while Ted Talks is really good.

I really want to surmount obsessive thoughts. I think a big part of my breakup with Arun was that I got obsessed with him. It derailed my entire life.

Now Novel. Then reading.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt but loving

Breathing cleanly

Reasonably tanned and pretty

Happy

I am so grateful for the interview call I got today.

I am grateful that I got the chance to massage Ma's back. I love bonding with my loved ones.

I am grateful for Ted Talks. I learn so much from them.

I am grateful that I know some day I can call Arun up. That we are not not on talking terms like that.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I each day; for shelter; for money and work. I am grateful for the many ways Modelley and Duma serve us making our lives easier.

Melon and Kitoo are here. Im grateful for their innocent presence.

I am grateful for the web. It's made life so much easier.

I am grateful for beautiful relationships.

I am grateful for my depth and my sensitivity and my heart and my beautiful soul.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for my good health. 

I am grateful that I can increasingly easily follow my thoughts and feelings pass.

I am grateful for the flow with which I am writing my novel. It's just the first draft.

I am grateful for all the experiences of my life.

I am grateful for all the people who have graced my life and for the ones who are about to enter.

I am grateful for God's infinite, love, grace and blessings on my life.

There is so much beauty in my life!

Love,

Me.

Love letter to myself 8.20 am on 11.6.2026 you are forming self belief

Dear self, dear love,

Just hold on with grit, with courage, with compassion! The best is yet to come. You don't see it right away but many paths are opening up before you as many doors have shut. So hold on I say to embrace a bright beautiful dawn in your life!

Embrace courage, embrace success, embrace victory!

You know I love you from the core of my being. There is none like you, not a soul. Your unique mix of love, kindness, self awareness are rare!

Don't be scared of the responsibility that comes with success. Today is a bright new day so embrace it I say; live it out to the fullest in all grandiosity, in all good fortune!

Sometimes it takes a while before things can work out. So be patient. That is what life is asking of you.

I know you feel shame over your mental health issues. I know sometimes you feel crippled by the guilt but I'm here to hold your hand, to guide you through another day. Just put your hand in mine and let's embark on this wonderful journey of life.

Your family loves you. I know you feel sad over Arun. Well may be he didn't have the capacity to hold your love. You've come a long way since then.

Your novel is turning out better than expected.

Your work will also build up smoothly.

You are a guide for those who need light, succour for those who need love and beautiful things will happen to you in life.

Life is good believe me.

Pour in extra gratitude for all your good fortune! Be grateful that you have a family to support you. Be grateful that you have people to talk to.

I understand it's been pretty difficult. 

The next time you get into a romantic entanglement protect your heart, protect your self interests.

Talking of interests you are the most interesting person I know-- you write poetry, you write, you paint, you do Tarot, you've been an actress. In other words you are forming. Not judgments but self belief. Anyone who has received your giant heart is lucky! It's just that you don't see it that way.

Career breakthroughs are enroute, love is on its way, self-healing is happening with awareness and the love of life.

Embrace this day fully! It's a beautiful day!

And what's not to love about you-- you are sweet, intelligent, kind, vicacious, funny and diligent. Be happy I say-- not just today, but in each moment.

Love,

Me.

8.42 am

Journal 1 am 11.6.2026 I wonder

Dear Journal,

I'm far away from sleep tonight. I'm just not feeling sleepy.

I wrote my novel today and chanted and smoked lots of cigarettes.

I love my brother.

I love my mother.

I love my father.

All of them are trying hard to live their lives to the fullest. After years of a relationship one goes quiet.

Ma is working so hard to be happy.

I wonder if Arun is seriously seeing someone? Mostly given how he is I'm sure he is.

I am feeling a sense of solitude, a heartache, a cleansing of my soul.

I am feeling:

Heavy

Sleepless

Fresh

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.05 am

Journal 3.47 pm on 10.6.2026 i started my ssri again

Dear Journal,

I started my SSRIs again. I slept rather late last night. Around 1 am. I spent some time with Twi.

I woke up today at 6.48 am feeling groggy and drowsy. I saw a dream that I don't clearly remember. I drank my lemon honey juice and chanted and meditated. Then half in a daze I stepped out for my walk. I was feeling so tired today. I decided to take it easy.

I went to the Jain temple today. I've had 6 cigarettes so far. I did just about 10 minutes of yoga because I couldn't exert more.

I ate sabudana with egg and drank a cup of tea for breakfast. Then I bathed and wore my black and white chiffon top with blue trousers. Ma said I was looking nice. I really love my mother.

I lightly browsed through the news. Then I was just idling about and wrote a letter each to Dadu and Dimma. I have Dimma's softness and Dadu's grit and tenacity.

I had shaag and chickener jhol with rice with a mango.

I studied Daisaku Ikeda. Then after lunch I browsed through my journal. I went through a few old entries. I gathered that Arun left me just high and dry and diminished my worth in doing so. I'm actually happy with the space and the distance. Sometimes I think about him but the attachment is loosening. I think he was too flaky and a tad shallow and he did not handle my heart and my emotions with care. With all his limitations he did try and for that I give him credit. I expect that some day we shall talk but the old dynamic won't return. It'll be a brand new dynamic.

I think this evening I'll skip my walk again. Instead I'll go and spend time with Twi. One small time block for my novel is due.

I expect this year to pan out better than I expected. I'm far from the depression I experienced at the start of this year.

In naming my feelings and in observing my thoughts I feel more grounded and realistic.

I've been rather rude to people. I think I should pray about it. I should pray for clarity and forgiveness. Chanting keeps me happy.

I threw all my glutathione pills because they had expired. Need to purchase more.

I'll make myself a cup of tea and sit for a bit with my novel. Just a little effort. A tiny push is all I need. Just a little effort each day to accomplish this mammoth task.

I feel guilty about my delusions. I must always take my medication.

Ma has been in a reasonably good mood today. Melon and Kitoon are home.

Sometimes all one needs is some gentleness and if that is not forthcoming from the environment one needs to handle the self with gentleness and care. Love is all I need and money.

Today has been a day of rest and taking things lightly. I didn't push myself in any one direction today. I spent time with my journal.

I think I'm a fairly good writer. I write with feeling. My novel! I don't know how that is turning out.

Tomorrow too I won't go out to meet people. Two days of rest is good.

It's going to be a good good evening!

I am feeling:

Happy

Light

Sweaty

Tanned

Grounded

Realistic

In a writing mood.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships of mutual trust, care, respect, love and compassion.

I am grateful for yummy food, a comfortable shelter, money and work.

I am grateful for clothes and yoga and walking and praying.

I am grateful for all the wonderful authors I read.

I am grateful for writing.

I am grateful for friendships.

Love,

Me.

4.18 pm

Letter to Dadu 1.21 pm ist on 10.6 2026 playing sports on the playground of life

My dearest darlingest Dadu,

How goes it? Where have you been reborn? With eyes that see and senses that perceive I know that you must have been born in the company of Buddhas.

I always tell all my friends how my grandfather served in the Ministry of Commerce and was a fellow of the United Nations!

There is a saying that when at work do the work of three! I think you quietly and stoically embodied that. I have a lot to learn from you.

I am taking my medication and missing you. Your lifebuoy soap smell, your practicality, your stories. 

I still remember the hockey stick and mouth organ you gifted me when I was small. I never really grew up to play hockey but I've been playing enough sports on the playground of life. Sometimes I skip with joy, sometimes I plunge into grief but no matter what I am always dancing and moving.

I wish for you too to be more dynamic than that wherever you may be.

I wonder how you are. I pray for you and Dimma with concern each day. I want you two to always encounter favourable circumstances.

I'm quite an ordinary girl. Nothing so special about me. And I've been quietly humbled by life. Life has bludgeoned me with blows at times that were almost to hard to bear and yet I stand and I walk and I skip and I jump and contour ever onward!

I'll never give up! That's my motto! Always looking ahead, always forging ahead! Because this is what I learnt from you.

I miss you. I miss kissing you. You would have been enormously old today. Death is a part of life. What we take forward into our next lives is all our karma. You have good karma.

I'm polishing mine to shine bright!

Love,

Me.

1.33 pm