Calculated

You walk so slender

Like a black cat,

Eyes green like emerald,

Fur like that.

So smooth

Playing the piano then

And the lovely tango

To a count of ten.

You miaow

Only when you

Wish to eat

And you scratch

Only when you want

My blood as treat

And yet I love you,

Yet I do not despair

But stand up to you

I must no matter where.

Beauty

Youve put me through a lot of pain,

Youve plummeted me into despair

And youve hounded me and trampled me

Even with this heart of mine so rare.

Ive seen the worst side of you,

Ive seen you sad and crying blue,

And yet you want me, yet you love

So this must be wrought by the divine above.

Tomorrow we lap in luxury

With countless viandes

And sounds so purry

And the soup will be hot 

And the food will be great

Because you are a million times wiser

To be had with pate.

Journal 9.58 pm on 11.10.2026 I wont be vindictive

Dear Journal, 

After lunch Munima called Pa that she is coming over. She came with chocolates and sweets.

I took her and Ma for Psha's play. Ma stayed back for the second play and I came home with Munima.

Ma was pretty rude to me throughout the time.

I treated everybody to chicken rolls. Ma told me: "Munimar shonge adhikketa pana korte hobe na. Didnt you see how they treated me the last time?"

If I was as vindictive and unforgiving as Ma is I would not be with her. Ma has caused me the maximum damage and the maximum hurt in this life. So I definitely dont want to get sucked into Ma's petty politics. She is demanding. She is mean.

Ma is kind of manipulative.

I was telling Munima that Im staying away from men.

I wonder why Arun said what he said on our last call. Was it in reaction to the things I told him?

I wont be a desperado with him. But I still want him in my life.

PawPa called me many times in the morning. And I cut all his calls. He is one desperado! And why doesnt he just get it? I am not interested in him.

I think all the guys Ive dated except Arun were because I was lonely. Now Im willing to risk loneliness for the right man. I dont want to waste my time with people like PawPa, DeJh and RaTi.

And frankly, if you really ask me Journal I dont want to lose Arun. I dont want to not talk to him for 5 to 6 months. I want him in my life. And more inportantly I want him to choose me.

I dont know what will happen. This is what I want. I havent chanted in two days but I will now.

Psha's play was alright. She is a brilliant actress.

Ma told me: "Look at these girls. Sometimes they dont have food to eat but when they go to meet someone they are always well turned out." That is true.

I feel the weight of being out of favour with Ma. She is quite mean to me. And frankly, I dont feel like going to Goa. CMashi is also more mean to me than Ma is.

I actually feel like crying at the moment. Nothing in life is going the way I want it to. Nothing is going according to my wishes.

But I wont lose my self belief in the process. I believe that better days are ahead of me and that the life of my dreams is just one leap of faith away. I believe in myself!

My heart is shattered.

Arun doesnt reply to my messages. My job is not to my liking. And Im earning such little money. On top of that I have to live with Ma's rage and curses! I have to live with people dismissing me. I have to live with Pa's pessimism. Today he said all those who do theatre are faltu.

There is so much opposition against me in my life. It's like Im trying against all odds. But I'll never give up! Never ever!

I just want my laptop back soon.

And I want tomorrow to be a better day!

1. Something I accomplished.

I took Ma and Munima for Psha's play. I treated my family to rolls and mishti doi. I stood up for myself with no animosity against Ma. I went for the Gosho study despite not feeling like it.

2. Something I handled well.

I entertained Munima. I handled Ma quite well.

3. Something I enjoyed and appreciated.

Psha's play. Chicken roll. MISHTI DOI. Sadhya and Buro coming with treats. I gave Sadhya her birthday gift. She said she liked it. Munima's company.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Relationship stuff.

I am feeling:

Itchy

Happy

Loving

Disheartened

At a loss

Hurt

Heart heavy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.29 pm

Journal 1.54 pm on 11.10.2026 it's mahalaya

Dear Journal,

Today is Mahalaya. Munima is coming over.

Last night Veeru messaged me and I ordered spring rolls for myself. I did not study. I fell asleep.

I woke up around 11 from a vivid dream.

I see Veeru in my dream and I introduce him to Arun. And I tell Arun how Veeru always says he wants his daughter to grow up like me. I also see in my dream that Veeru's wife Dhanashree is cheating on him.

Then I introduce Arun to Sahil Sethi. A while later Arun tells me that SaSet was bitching about me and how he had given orders that I should not be served any booze.

I feel angry and hurt at this.

Then Arun engages SaSet in a conversation and I keep kicking A in the dream under the table to ignore SaSet.

I also see in my dream that Sonam Vij is smitten by SaSet.

Then I see that a time machine built a long time ago is discovered in a particular house. I dont really see the time machine. But I realise that the spacetime continuum has been broken and I see many characters from the past and future flooding my environment.

In the dream Arun and I were together.

I see a young boy who looks like Pa... when Pa was a small boy. I love my father who has been gorging on Mishti Doi and cheeselings in waking life.

Then I dosed off till 11 and rushed for the Gosho study. I missed the chanting but not the lecture.

Ronjini led the study. "Suffer what there is to suffer. Enjoy what there is to enjoy. And regard both suffering and joy as facts of life."

Ronjini said that this is not a passive statement. It's a statement of action. When suffering we overcome our fundamental darkness and when enjoying we are grateful-- that's active, not passive.

That was my greatest takeback from the study.

And that the Law is like the endless ocean. We can take as much as we want from the Law. We can fill a cup or a swimming pool. So we should really pray and chant.

Then as we were leaving. Ronjini, Psha and DiPan discussed their shooting schedules and how their films are getting shelved. And I felt bad that Im not really making headway on the acting front.

As I passed the Aram Nagar temple a gentleman stopped me. He told me that he has often seen me there and invited me for the temple pujas.

I came home and mom's gosho meeting still continued.

Munima called, saying she is coming home.

I just had a nice warm bath and will eat lunch. 

I am feeling:

Slightly stuck

Embarrassed about my mental health

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

2.12 pm

Journal 6.58 pm on 10.10.2026 I dont want to put Arun in a spot

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up at 12.30 in the afternoon. I slept for almost 12 hours straight. I was still so groggy.

I didnt prepare for (it's exactly 7) for lectures last night. And I woke up so late that there was no time in the morning!

I saw a dream around 10 in the morning. I dreamt that it was 10.55 and I open my bedroom door and Pa is entertaining someone through the 603 front door. I thought that actually happened. So I opened my eyes to check the time and it was only a little past ten.

I checked Danika and Anora's paper today. Danika was really upset over her marks.

I need to be better prepared for my lectures. I need to utilise my time at night. I cant afford to be lazy!

Arun has put my heart and mind in a tizzy! Did he feel bad when I told him that I wont talk to him if I get over him? I dont normally keep in touch with men Im over. That is a fact of my life.

But Arun is different. I dont think Im capable of getting over him. I dont want to. And I hope he doesnt feel too hurt.

I really love my Arun. I want to kiss his nose and his nostrils. I dont think Ill ever move on from him but it's so difficult to tell him that. And I did yesterday. And I dont want to put him in a spot. 

I hope things smooth out between us. And I really want to see his oh so cute face.

Last night I realised that Arun has a great body compared to other men. And Im so darned deeply in love with him.

I havent chanted yet today. Neither have I done yoga or pranayam. I literally had one hour since I woke up to prepare and leave.

I have lectures everyday with Madhav and on Monday and Thursday on site. 

I really hope Arun wasnt hurt.

I hope Metamorph turns out to be the place where I becomes a honed teacher.

1. Something I accomplished.

I shared some words of wisdom today with Danika and Anora, conducted a lecture with them, and got ready within an hour of waking up. I taught them today against odds. I hope they do well in their exams.

2. Something I handled well.

Today Duma put more salt in the aloo ki sabzi and I told her. I also handled my lectures to the best of my ability.

3. Something I enjoyed and appreciated.

My students! My parents! Oh and I bumped into Psha on the way to the Metro station. She was on a bike with her boyfriend. She invited me for her show tomorrow. That was fun-- me in a rick, she on a bike chatting for almost five minutes at a traffic signal.

4. Something I did for my future self.

I am becoming a better teacher with each passing day. I dont want to lose Arun. I want him to call me up. And I dont want a no contact situation with him. He is shooo cute. Im absolutely head over heels in love with him.

I am feeling:

So full of love

Really missing Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.23 pm

Journal 9.10.2026 8.15 pm Arun...

Dear Journal,

So Arun called just for a wee bit.

Arun: "May be we shouldnt talk for 5-6 months till you are over me."

Me (After a considerable time trying to understand why he said that): "I dont want to move on from you."

And my heart is pounding and my ears are ringing and I wish he hadnt hung up. I would have loved to talk to him today.

I really really really love my Alun. My cutest pie, my cutest heart.

Frankly, for me trying to move on from Arun makes me depressed. Does he really want me to get over him? I dont want to. Or much rather I Cant. It's kind of something like an impossibility.

Anyhow Journal, it's kind of like a rigamarole... Arun said vortex... I miss his smell.

I miss him loads and loads and loads. And this evening I just want a nice tight hug from him.

I woke up today around 10.30 and soon was with Madhav in a class. Madhav wrote beautifully today about how his parents divorce affected him. I shared the document on the group for his mom to read. But his mom didnt want to. But his Maths teacher did and I wonder what he thought about it.

I think Madhav is all of a sudden making good progress in English. So is Arnav from Fle and Rishaan and the icse batch is just too smart.

Tomorrow I have classes with Grade 8 and I need to prepare for it.

They behaved like a bunch of hooligans during their last class.

I did yoga today. Had dal and sabzi with rice for lunch. I skipped the fish. Didnt feel like eating nonveg. I chanted in the morning.

I spent the evening just letting time pass by. I checked a few Tarot channels. I had every intention to prepare for tomorrow and Monday but I was feeling too darned lethargic. So I guess it's the middle of the night that my preparation has been relegated to. I just want my laptop back. It'll make my life much easier.

I ordered cheeselings today for Ma.

I dont remember my dream from the morning even though I remember it being quite vivid.

1. Something I accomplished.

I had a good class with Madhav. I didnt react to Pa's afternoon irritability. I spoke to my shweetest Arun. I bought cheeselings for Ma. I also studied Buddhism today.

2. Something I handled well.

I handled Ma and Pa's irritability quite well. Somehow I'm balancing late nights with morning class. I also think I was honest with Arun. I dont think I'll ever get over him. He is like the love of a lifetime. Even though Ma was dismissive when I told her photochromatic lenses dont suit her, I think I didnt really spiral. It's only in avoiding the feeling that it becomes detrimental.

3. Something I enjoyed and appreciated.

I loved Madhav's candour and honesty. I loved Arun's conversation tiny with me today. I loved doing yoga and I loved lunch with a sliver of mishti doi. I will eat dinner, chant and study for tomorrow and Monday. I enjoyed reading Daisaku Ikeda today.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Taught Madhav. This added to my experience. I also did yoga and pranayam. Soon (once my laptop is back) I'll start working on my book. Im thinking about it. I studied Buddhism.

I am feeling:

I was feeling gloomy because it was so hot. Now Im feeling bright in the ac.

Loving

Missing Arun a lot

Solemn

Happy with a sligh tinge of moroseness

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.52 pm

Journal 8.10.2026 watched Ottam, bumped into Shail

Dear Journal,

Even though I switched off the lights early last night, I didn't get sleep till 3 am. So I'm going to stay up and study till 2 am now.

I woke up at 11. I couldnt remember my dream from the morning. I immediately went in for a lecture with Madhav.

Then I got ready, had tea, ate my lunch and left for Kandivali. I spent good time there with Tanya and Ruchita. I'll go through the papers she has sent me now.

I came home and did yoga and pranayam. Then I chanted and went for my wd meeting. I left by 7.28 from there to appear at Rangshila where both Buro and I watched DiPan's Ottam.

Beautiful play. Cyril sir has done the athletic training for the play. DiPan was so coquettish. Buro loved the play.

Oh yes! I bumped into Shail outside. He looked so sallow and worn out and I told him that.

Then after the play Buro took me to the tailor. I came home, ate lunch and here I am.

1. Something I accomplished.

I taught Madhav despite waking up late. Children of divorced parents go through so much. I even went over the lesson plans with Tanya and will be up till 2 studying. I chanted and attended half a wd meeting and treated Buo to Ottam and Im so happy he loved it. Despite provocation I didnt fight with him.

2. Something I handled well.

Despite waking up late I conducted Madhav's lecture well. I spent good time at Metamorph. I did not get provoked by Chotto. I wish Id been more gracious with Shail. SeeDhi told me that I was looking pretty.

3. Something I enjoyed or appreciated.

Hats off to Madhav for jheloing life. Brave boy. The experiences at the Source of Origin meeting were so good. Hats off to brave women. Ottam was spectacular and DiPan was good. The play was quite a treat. It was also good to see Shail.

4. Something I did for my future self.

I did yoga and pranayam. Yesterday I didnt have a single cola. I made efforts towards my teaching practice and will study now. I bonded with Buro over Ottam. I love my brother. I spent quality time with Ma and Pa.

I really miss Arun. I want to see his face.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Pretty because SeeDhi said so

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.42 pm