Journal 12.46 pm on 25.10.2026 after a long time

Dear Journal,

After a long time I can feel my heart expanding with love.

I had a dream in the morning that Arun and I have broken up. I dont remember the other details.

I was the emcee for today's zadankai. There were just four of us there. Im wearing my shiny red trousers and shiny black top.

Out of four us, three of us were feeling hopeless-- may be all four of us were.

I had a question for guidance but SeeDhi stopped the meeting before time.

I think Im praying a lot for effects and less for my hr and I really should transform.

I am feeling:

Oh so full of love.

Happy.

Determined to quit smoking

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace, Blessings and Mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.51 pm

Journal 12.50 am on 25.10 2026 alas!

Dear Journal,

Abhikaku and Sudkakima just left. We spoke for such a long time. Sometimes I find myself resenting Ma-- I find her a tad selfish. And she kept coughing throughout the evening. Im a little worried about her.

Abhikaku and Sudkakima told me that Im such a good person... not girl... person. I floated the idea that they find me a groom. To which everybody erupted and said the grass always seems greener on the other side.

They discussed marriage, death, health....

I thought about Arun. Im not expecting anything from him. I just purely love him.

Pa asked me to find someone on my own. Now that's a tall order that's been set for me. The average Joe here in India doesnt interest me.

Anyway Im the emcee at tomorrow's zadankai.

Hope it goes well. I hope Arun is happy.

I am feeling:

Loving

Happy

Sombre

It's a beautiful night and I am soooo drowsy. I have Arun on my mind and hope he is ballsy.

I dont know how his days are going but Id love to be there for him as he gets older. I so so soooooo love him. He is shoooooo cute.

Love,

Me.

1 am

Letter to Arun 7.02 pm on 24.10.2026

Dearest Arun,

Ive been thinking a lot about you today. Not in an obsessive way but in a way that you are always there somewhere on my mind.

I think you dont believe in fidelity? You dont, right? And you have your plenty of exes to take care of. And I know you went behind my back when we were together.

There are too many red flags when it comes to the gamousness of this relationship. I cant be with someone who may take off any time with somebody else.

Having said that I still love you. But Im consciously training my mind to get over you. That's what you want, right?

Byee!

Journal 6 47 pm on 24.10.2026 I cant ignore facts

Dear Journal,

I woke up well after 12.30 today and dont remember my dream from the morning. I ate lunch and wanted to sit and write but then Steve Harvey caught me. This lackadaisicallness cant go on. I must, I MUST TAKE ACTION towards my future!

I watched Armaan, I watched Dan on SST, I watched Steve Harvey, I tried to understand Reiki and that was about it.

Then Ma came back from her friends and I lay down a bit. And here I am. A low pressure day!

I hope my laptop comes back repaired soon!

1. Something I accomplished.

Harmonious relationships. Prayer. Research.

2. Something I handled well.

Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated.

My family's support of me. Food. Shelter. Money. In think and grow rich you have to first cultivate an abundance mindset and only then does wealth follow. I need to look at my mindset.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

Prayer. Yoga.

I am feeling:

Pimply

Itchy

Happy

Loving

Sudkakima and abhikaku are coming over.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

6.56 pm

Journal 7.49 pm on 23.10.2026 I want to be powerful

Dearest Journal,

I woke up around 12 pm today and then had that deja reve regarding Arun. So even though I still love him, I've decided to let him go. It's important to let him go. For my own wellbeing.

I watched a few short films today and spent considerable time on YouTube watching this and that.

It's what you watch these days that makes your life. 

Then Ma came home with her student. I left to meet SeeDhi. Today SeeDhi spoke about being powerful. She always sees herself in me. It's a sort of projection she is habituated to.

She spoke about her and me becoming powerful in 8 years. I said why not make that 4 years.

Ive stopped checking Arun's timestamps.

Me and SeeDhi studied about how power corrupts people.

1. Something I accomplished.

I spent good time with Pa today. I sent my resume to Man the director. I prayed today. I watched some good short films today.

2. Something I handled well.

SeeDhi. Pa. Thoughts of Arun in my head. I think Ive finally let him go. I used to always accuse SeeDhi for being worldly smart but now I see the benefits of her point of view. She spoke about how Sanskar had a meltdown for two whole days and how he is travelling from tomorrow. 

3. Something I appreciated.

My family for supporting me. My friends for being there for me. The yummy food. I ordered rolls from Peetuk, had chinese and chk fry for lunch. I appreciated myself today. I also thought about being the kind of person I would love to be with. I told SeeDhi about how Cmashi and BMesho treat me and that's when she spoke about power. She said that when one is rich automatically that person becomes powerful.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I prayed. I consumed content that will help me in my work. I spent quality time with SeeDhi and now Ill go and spend some time with Twi. I hope the 4 of us have a good time in OnToes.

5. Something Ill do tomorrow towards my future self. [9.05 pm]

Ill pray. Ill perform yoga and pranayam. Ill consume clean content. Ill work on my book.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Bedraggled

Comfortable 

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace, Blessings and Mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.04 pm

Journal 1 48 pm on 23.10.2026 deja vus from my dreams

Dear Journal,

I have so many deja vus that I see in my dreams way before the actual event actually happens.

The entire Metamorph experience was filled with Deja Vus that I saw in my dreams months or years ago.

Today I woke up after 12 and was just going through YouTube. I started watching a short film that was uploaded just a week ago-- last Friday.

It was about a girl who dumps her fiance and falls in love with a guy she meets on a dating app.

While I was watching the film I had a deja vu from a dream dreamt months ago where I saw that i feel that Arun has moved on. And I feel that just like the girl in the film I'll also find someone way better. I felt in this little deja vu sequence that Arun is with someone else.

May be he is. So I should just let him be.

I dont remember my dream from the morning. But it was something significant. I think it's time to pack Arun into a little packing box and let him rest. Without me.

Arun rejected me. I'll find someone who wont let me go. Someone who will accept me with my flaws.

It's time to let Arun go.

I am feeling:

Happy

Itchy in the nose

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace, Blessings and Mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.57 pm

Journal 7 30 pm on 22.10.2026 oh no

Dear Journal,

So Ive officially quit Metamorph and I feel fine except that I'll miss my students. Manit also called and said the laptop has some serious issue and he needs two more days with it.

I really want my laptop back! Four months without it has been a long time.

I need to send my resume to a director. I think I'll finally have to do that from my phone.

In the morning I woke up well after 11. I chanted for about an hour, had Biryani for lunch and spent quality time with Pa.

I think TAurad has been unjust with me. But I cant tell her that. Everywhere Ive worked people play politics and try to outshine the other.

Ive never done that. I stay away from gossiping. It's something that comes naturally to me. I know Arun gossips a lot at the workplace. But I dont.

TAurad said something about Tanya and Ruch complaining. Well I spent so much time with them! Why didnt they tell me?!

Im tired of the bitchy mindset! Ive outgrown it a long long long time ago....

I also read the Arts Division Book today. Nice... it's my second read through it.

I hope Manit has the wisdom to repair my laptop well. I really want my fully functioning laptop back. It's derailed much of my life.

I think tomorrow Ill use Pa's laptop for a bit.

1. Something I accomplished.

I spent quality time with Pa. Buro is on his way to Vietnam. He has decided to be cold with me! I as usual accomplished bringing about a balance in my relationships. I seriously prayed today. I read the Arts book. And I tidied my clothes.

2. Something I handled well.

My father! And this breakup with Metamorph.

3. Something I appreciate.

My family for supporting me no matter what and for never giving up on me. My Buddhist practice. Manit for working on my laptop. Duma's awesome Biryani. My friends.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I bathed. I prayed. I followed up on my laptop. I read the Arts book. Ill work on my book tonight.

Ive somehow been seeing crowds of people in my dreams. I wonder what that means.

I think Ill go down for a bit of a walk.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Future-geared

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life .

Love,

Me.

7.48 pm

Ps: I came back home after sitting with Twinkle, Leena and Marzoo about an hour ago. We decided to go to OnToes one of these days... hope it's fun.

My eyes have become like some Mother Teresa's eyes. Conpassionate and sexless. The face is the mirror of the mind and the eyes are the windows to the soul.

10 14 pm