Journal 10.33 pm on 26.8.2026 I thought so many things today

Dear Journal,

Arun called me up before I went to meet SeeDhi today. We spoke for some 20 minutes. I didnt know till he told me that it was Onam today. I hope he had a good day. Muwaaah to him.

Sometimes I fantasize about him.

I told SeeDhi that everytime I think of letting Arun go I just cant sit and chant. She asked me: Let him go where? She said: He wont find anyone like you. You wont find anyone like him. So, she said, stop trying to let him go and dont give your relationship a label. She quoted Gulzar as she said that. She makes a good point. There is really no other Arun Divakaran and there is no other Doel Sengupta.

Today SeeDhi and me had a longish chat. We also studied. She was telling me about her husband and how she wrote him love letters when they were young and he was far away at sea.

Love is the most beautiful feeling. Ill never let my love for Arun die. And frankly, I dont think I want any other man. I want my obnoxious muffat Arun.

Frankly, with a subliminal sexual feeling I was feeling aggressive a little today. Ma said that she has plans to completely redo my room and that really blew my top. I got angry. Then after 8 I switched off the lights in my room and lay down in Shavasana to recalibrate this angry feeling I was feeling towards Ma. 

I also thought today that Im living a lifestyle that I individually cant afford. I eat the best meals, live in a fancy house with two servants. My father has kept me by his side with a lot of love. And I mustnt get angry with my parents. They really love me and I them.

Intuitively I know that I'm meant to live an uberly prosperous and extraordinary life. I just hope the money flows in sooner than later.

I am going to prove my wavy life line wrong!

I really wish I could call up Arun to ask him how Onam went for him today. But that's to presumptuous. Let me give him space.

I want Arun to choose me jhalli as I am. I so so so desire him. Cutestpie!

I want to bite his beautiful brown cheeks.

I will prepare my lectures tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Like smooching Arun

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.53 pm

Journal 11.34 am on 26.8.2026 Why is Arun not calling me up

Dear Journal,

Does Arun not want to talk to me? I will still keep in touch with him because he is one of the few people who understands me. But I'm feeling sad. He hasnt called me. Does he really believe I was just a rebound?

Im feeling so sad.

I had a dream that I was buying something really expensive. What does that mean?

I have to send Tanya the material to be printed today.

I am going to utilise this day to the best. I am going to eat my breakfast and chant. Then I have to meet SeeDhi.

I am feeling:

Empty

Alone

Sad that Arun hasnt called

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.41 am

Journal 9 pm on 25.8.2026 I feel so...

Dear Journal, 

What has really happened to me? If I have to put it simply I'm feeling so horny for Arun. Why is that? Does he think about me? Something has definitely shifted between the two of us. I wish I could see his cute shweet face. He is such a cute humanbeing. 

Then... I just dont feel like chanting when I think of praying to let Arun go. It seems like the Gohonzon wants me to wish him really really well.

Then come his timestamps. He hasn't checked whatsapp since 10 am. Why is that?

Im missing him so deeply. I adore this man so darned deeply. He means the world to me.

PaPa asked me to meet him today. I was skeptical. I thought if he hits on me I'll just give him a piece of my mind. But he told me that his parents have found him a nice girl and he is getting married in a few months. 

That is simply excellent for him! I'm so happy for him!

I want to talk to Arun. I want to hear his voice. I'm kind of singlemindedly thinking about him for a very long time now. I want to smell him. I want to see his cute face.

His photographs are so cute. He is so handsome. My charming ex boyfriend.

And at this point believe you me dear Journal I'm feeling so sexually charged towards him. I want him. I want to kiss him. I want to tell him I love him and I want him to know how much I love him. I hope these feelings dont end in disappointment.

I am feeling:

Like my heart belongs to Arun

So darned horny

So sexually charged after such a long time. In fact I've never felt this before.

Head over heels in love with Arun

Don't want to fight with Ma over my room

I think I'll meditate a little now, chant and sleep.

I spent the whole day watching Tarot videos.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.13 pm

Journal 2.50 pm on 25.8.2026 Im trying to get closure

Dear Journal,

DiPan came home. I so love her as a humanbeing. I told her about how I'm feeling so sexually aroused and so alone.

She told me that the next relationship in my life will be determined by what I do during this single phase.

I lamented on the low standard of men around me, how men chase me much to my chagrin.

And to prove my point PaPa kept calling up throughout the meeting.

As I was talking to DiPan I realised that I should not be foolish. Arun is married and he has roving eyes. If I pursue him I'll only get burnt. So it's imperative that I let him go. I'm the last person to chase him.

Anyhow we didnt really chant that much. And DiPan and me spoke about Buddha wisdom and common sense. How we are so averse to touch by the wrong men.

Things will work out in due time. I know that. I wont masturbate, I wont watch porn and I wont waste my time with the wrong men. I will protect my energy, hone myself while being Boddhisattva Never Disparaging. I wont let any man take advantage of me.

I'd rather be at home by myself than out with the wrong man. The last thing I want to be is desperate.

I'm an M Type woman. So I'll fill my days with creativity and it  will all work out despite my wavy life line. I'll prove my wavy life line wrong! I will prosper despite my wavy life line!

I am the eyes of society. I am the pillar of society. I am the great ship of society.

I forgive all those who have hurt me. I seek forgiveness from all those I've hurt. I forgive myself.

I am grateful for all the good fortune in my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships based on mutual respect and mutual trust.

I am grateful for the abundance of all good things in my life

I think if I pray to let go of Arun I'll be able to do that. So I'll let him go. So it's adieu to him. It's exactly 3.06 pm.

Nobody reads this Journal. Some day I'll pore through these pages and reminisce.

These are the best days of mylife and I cherish each person and each moment.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

I am feeling:

Sexual

Happy

Clearheaded

Grateful for my Buddhist practice.

Grateful for all my students and all my teachers.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

Love,

Me.

3.14 pm

Journal 1.11 pm on 25.8.2026 I need to get over A... I need to move on

Dear Journal,

I think I need to get my mind off my sexuality. PaPa has been pleading with me to go for a movie with him. I really dont want to do that.

DeJh has been requesting meeting him. I really dont want to do that.

I just want to be left alone. I just want my journal and my poetry.

If Arun doesnt want me it's no biggie. There are plenty of other guys. I just have to choose one.

The thing is that I know I wont be happy with just any guy. So I'll patiently wait till someone compatible comes along.

I just spoke to TAurad.

I know that I have a glorious prosperous future ahead of me. I know that the stars are blessing me with great success. But I want someone to really see me and be a part of my journey.

As I become successful I'll choose the guy who is most there for me.

I know that Arun was with some woman on the evening of my play. He kind of betrayed me. He told me that he doesnt love his wife and dated me and then he broke up with me and told everybody that he really loves his wife. But he will still deceive her and cheat on her. That is so pathetic!

How has PaPa resurfaced out of nowhere? And why? What does he want from me?

He reminds me of Shail. He looks just like him.

I don't think I want to kiss him.

Enough about that! Boys will come and go.

TAurad told me that she has got in touch with Tarini's parents. I really want Tarini to be happier and have a smooth journey as she becomes happier. I really love her. I don't want her to feel so troubled. I want my students to shine!

I want Dhyaan to respect himself. I want Rishaan to be grateful. I want my bacchas to shine gloriously.

There are so many friends to talk to as I'm going through this phase in my life. They are all struggling and God willing we will all succeed.

I will never reject a friend based on social status or money. But if a man (no matter who) crosses my boundaries i wont enetertain him anymore. Because I dont want to sleep around. I want to protect myself as there is no one else to protect me.

I want to make the right friends. I want good people to surround me.

DiPan will be here any moment.

I am feeling:

Happy

Logical

More positive than when I woke up.

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.31 pm

Journal 11.35 am on 25.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I was going back and forth in my dream over something. Then I saw Jethu and he wanted to marry me.

Jethu is in my mind a loving husband to Munima. He not only earned the bread and butter but also cooked and cleaned as a devoted husband and kept Munima in utter comfort. 

I woke up to messages from PaPa, DeJh and DiPan. DIPAN wanted me to go to her place but Ive invited her home. Hope she comes.

PaPa messaged after a long time and DeJh has been telling me about his struggles.

I woke up feeling that I must settle down. I just have to say Yes to a guy. I've never accepted anybody's proposal.

I kind of find DeJh annoying. He's kind of passive aggressive and manipulative.

I really want the path ahead to become clearer.

Today should be a good day.

I have to really attempt to move on from Arun.

I am feeling:

A sexual urge

Happy

Like a good girl

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.44 am.

Lack of respect

You have no respect for my boundaries,

You have no respect for my space, 

You have no respect for my choices,

And you anger me to agape.

Youve always called me ugly,

Youve been disrespectful and uncouth

And Ive had enough of you,

Youve scarred me and maimed me in my youth.

You complain to all and sundry, 

You are always bickering, lying and angry

And I dont trust you with my heart

As youve mutilated it on many bends.

You may be my mother, but you are not my friend

And this is The End.