Letter to Arun 7.02 pm on 20.8.2026

Dearest cutest shweetest most precious Arun,

I am writing this letter that you will never read. But I have to write it to process my own feelings for you.

I think I've fallen head over heels in love with you all over again.

It's been a while since I've seen your oh so mishti face. I don't know how or why my feelings got so much the deeper.

I believe emotions are energy and you can sense shifts in energy. Has anything shifted for you in the past few months?

I had a few dreams with you in it and believe me I've never felt more in love with you. The love song I wrote for you keeps playing in my head. Do you ever listen to it?

Btw I'm sure you saw my videos on Facebook. I've shot quite a lot of them just for timepass. My friends asked me to take them down but I didn't. It's a sign that I did this. And I don't want to hide anything from you.

I love you. I don't want to discuss other men with you. But let's just say every man I meet at some point doles out the affections and I don't want that from any man but you.

What makes you so special, so unique, sometimes I wonder. And my mind goes to the fun fellatio behind my dad's car when we first started going out. But it's not just that, you know sweety. I'd do that for you anyday, anytime over any other guy.

I don't want any other man. I want you. And I'm prepared to risk loneliness which is something I'm already doing.

Btw when I was telling you about my student Tarini, you said may be she is seeking attention and I should let a professional take over and do the work.

But shona emotional issues should not just be directed to a professional. I really feel that way. As her teacher I'm concerned and it's my responsibility to create a safe emotional space for her and many like her.

I love children. But I haven't had any of my own. I believe that the greatest impact you can create on a person is during their childhood. Frankly, it's a privilege to teach my students. What do you think about that? And what do you think about me these days?

Does me being affectionate annoy you? Because you are quite the wuss of tantrums when you are bugged :).

I want to meet you. But I'm not going to suggest it because the last time we met you were quite rude through the evening and you called me a rebound. And that really hurt me.

Are you seeing someone? Please don't Arun. Choose me over other girls, please. Because no one will love you so uniquely, in such Doel style but me.

I feel like writing and singing a few more songs for you but I don't want to be clingy or want you to feel uncomfortable. Because I don't know what you think about me these days.

Please dont tell me you've given up on me. I don't know where I stand in your life these days. Do let me know.

I love you. I love you maximum.

I might just write a few songs without sending them to you.

The love feels different this time. It feels like regular Doel loves regular Arun, a common man, and is prepared to face any odds to keep him in her life.

I love all of you, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the ugly and the beautiful-- my shonapie! Muwaaaah! Chumma!

Love,

Doel.

No tiff more beautiful

I'm sitting perched upon a cliff

And to you that don't make no diff;

I give you a pleasant fortune call

And you are sweet as heaven having a ball.

The forests are just a leap away

With magical creatures outside the snare

And I am slightly scared, slightly worried

At the peace they bring me unhurried.

And much sooner I make it to the ground

In this earthly place in Matheran

And there out of all dangers earlier met

I find you waiting for me with sorbet. 

And truly we could go to the park called Corbett

And sneak in love after a lover's tiff.

Journal 2.50 pm on 20.8.2026 who am I kidding?

Dear Journal,

I wake up with thoughts about Arun. All day long he sits in my mind rent free. Who am I kidding? I'm terrible at being just friends with him. I want to be in a relationship with him.

I fantasize about him-- imagine kissing his nose. I love him so darned deeply. And I want just him-- nobody else.

But I dont think he is in the same place as me. He doesnt call me. Doesnt say he misses me.

I think... I think... I never lied when I told him that I love him more. I want to make love to him. I really do. That's one of my deepest desires.

Yesterday my cigarette guy flagged me off and said that I'm smoking too many cigarettes and I should try to cut it down to just one after every meal. That's a good idea!

And everytime I miss Arun I have the song I wrote for him playing in my head... on loop.

Arun is sho cute. He is sho shweet. He is such an avoidant. I want my Arun back!!!! That would just make my life!

He has the capacity to be really rude and mean and cruel.

I am feeling:

So deeply in love with Arun.

Eager to make the most of today.

Happy

Loving

Daydreamy

Lazy

Concerned

How busy is he really?

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

3.00 pm

Journal 11.20 am on 20.8.2026 seeing a leopard in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw myself sitting on a high place in Matheran. I saw a locale that I have oft seen in my dreams.

And a forested area not far away where there is a leopard that is very mildmannered.

I get off from the high place and get on to Ground Zero but I think I could have and I should have gone from my high place to the high forested area.

I saw Ma in my dream. She was the one who urged me to sit on high.

I am going down to do yoga. I woke at 11 today.

I am feeling:

Happy

Mildly missing Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.25 am

Ps: I also saw in my dream that I'd called up Aman K and he was really sweet to me over the phone.

I'm really missing Arun now. I really really really love my A.

12.04pm

Nettle

The nettle on the runway piked

And that left me oh so psyched. 

It's been ages since I saw your face

As with thoughts of you my heart does race.

Your sweat smells like golden dew

And I subliminally pick up the cues

That you are very near, not far away

And saying that I seize the day.

Journal 10.43 pm on 19.8.2026 Ive been thinking a lot about Arun

Dear Journal,

I messaged Arun and he called me up in the evening. I really really really want to smell his nose and kiss his nose. I find him so delectable and so attractive. I feel like Ive fallen in love with him once again. I dont know what triggered these feelings! I havent even seen him in a long time. May be distance does make the heart grow fonder.

Everytime I feel sexually aroused all I think about is him. No other man comes to mind. I find him so attractive! And I feel so loyal towards him. It's almost like sometimes I pine for him as I'm building my life.

He thought I was teaching online. But I'm not. I love my shonapie Arun like so friggin deeply... what should I do with these feelings?

I spent the whole day looking for some Renaissance videos but none were available.

I corrected Kshirja's paper. And just spent time on my phone today.

Pa has bought himself new tennis shoes. I love my parents. Ma said something annoying today about cleaning my bathroom. Really I wish she wasnt so shongshari. I wish she just took a chill pill and let things be. The last thing she is is cool!

SaSo messaged me today, saying that he wants to meet me. He is such an orthodox Jewish guy. Since he'll be vegetarian because he is kosher I think we will go to ARC.

I wish Arun would want to meet me. My cutest Arun. The colour of his skin is so deep, and his sweat smells royal and he is so darned intelligent! I love him!

I am feeling:

Deeply in love

Well rested

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

I did not chant today. I didnt do yoga.

Love,

Me.

10.58 pm

No tree can reach till heaven unless its roots reach down till hell -- Carl Jung

Journal 11.55 am on 19.8.2026 so much missing

Dear Journal,

I remember seeing a dream but I dont remember the dream.

I woke up feeling such a longing to kiss Arun. I really miss him inordinately. I miss him maximum.

It'll be really presumptuous to give him a call. It's been a while since I smelled him.

Now I have to correct Kshiraja's paper.

I am feeling:

Oh so sexually aroused by the thought of A

Missing A a lot

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.00 pm