Journal 9.10.2026 8.15 pm Arun...

Dear Journal,

So Arun called just for a wee bit.

Arun: "May be we shouldnt talk for 5-6 months till you are over me."

Me (After a considerable time trying to understand why he said that): "I dont want to move on from you."

And my heart is pounding and my ears are ringing and I wish he hadnt hung up. I would have loved to talk to him today.

I really really really love my Alun. My cutest pie, my cutest heart.

Frankly, for me trying to move on from Arun makes me depressed. Does he really want me to get over him? I dont want to. Or much rather I Cant. It's kind of something like an impossibility.

Anyhow Journal, it's kind of like a rigamarole... Arun said vortex... I miss his smell.

I miss him loads and loads and loads. And this evening I just want a nice tight hug from him.

I woke up today around 10.30 and soon was with Madhav in a class. Madhav wrote beautifully today about how his parents divorce affected him. I shared the document on the group for his mom to read. But his mom didnt want to. But his Maths teacher did and I wonder what he thought about it.

I think Madhav is all of a sudden making good progress in English. So is Arnav from Fle and Rishaan and the icse batch is just too smart.

Tomorrow I have classes with Grade 8 and I need to prepare for it.

They behaved like a bunch of hooligans during their last class.

I did yoga today. Had dal and sabzi with rice for lunch. I skipped the fish. Didnt feel like eating nonveg. I chanted in the morning.

I spent the evening just letting time pass by. I checked a few Tarot channels. I had every intention to prepare for tomorrow and Monday but I was feeling too darned lethargic. So I guess it's the middle of the night that my preparation has been relegated to. I just want my laptop back. It'll make my life much easier.

I ordered cheeselings today for Ma.

I dont remember my dream from the morning even though I remember it being quite vivid.

1. Something I accomplished.

I had a good class with Madhav. I didnt react to Pa's afternoon irritability. I spoke to my shweetest Arun. I bought cheeselings for Ma. I also studied Buddhism today.

2. Something I handled well.

I handled Ma and Pa's irritability quite well. Somehow I'm balancing late nights with morning class. I also think I was honest with Arun. I dont think I'll ever get over him. He is like the love of a lifetime. Even though Ma was dismissive when I told her photochromatic lenses dont suit her, I think I didnt really spiral. It's only in avoiding the feeling that it becomes detrimental.

3. Something I enjoyed and appreciated.

I loved Madhav's candour and honesty. I loved Arun's conversation tiny with me today. I loved doing yoga and I loved lunch with a sliver of mishti doi. I will eat dinner, chant and study for tomorrow and Monday. I enjoyed reading Daisaku Ikeda today.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Taught Madhav. This added to my experience. I also did yoga and pranayam. Soon (once my laptop is back) I'll start working on my book. Im thinking about it. I studied Buddhism.

I am feeling:

I was feeling gloomy because it was so hot. Now Im feeling bright in the ac.

Loving

Missing Arun a lot

Solemn

Happy with a sligh tinge of moroseness

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.52 pm

Journal 8.10.2026 watched Ottam, bumped into Shail

Dear Journal,

Even though I switched off the lights early last night, I didn't get sleep till 3 am. So I'm going to stay up and study till 2 am now.

I woke up at 11. I couldnt remember my dream from the morning. I immediately went in for a lecture with Madhav.

Then I got ready, had tea, ate my lunch and left for Kandivali. I spent good time there with Tanya and Ruchita. I'll go through the papers she has sent me now.

I came home and did yoga and pranayam. Then I chanted and went for my wd meeting. I left by 7.28 from there to appear at Rangshila where both Buro and I watched DiPan's Ottam.

Beautiful play. Cyril sir has done the athletic training for the play. DiPan was so coquettish. Buro loved the play.

Oh yes! I bumped into Shail outside. He looked so sallow and worn out and I told him that.

Then after the play Buro took me to the tailor. I came home, ate lunch and here I am.

1. Something I accomplished.

I taught Madhav despite waking up late. Children of divorced parents go through so much. I even went over the lesson plans with Tanya and will be up till 2 studying. I chanted and attended half a wd meeting and treated Buo to Ottam and Im so happy he loved it. Despite provocation I didnt fight with him.

2. Something I handled well.

Despite waking up late I conducted Madhav's lecture well. I spent good time at Metamorph. I did not get provoked by Chotto. I wish Id been more gracious with Shail. SeeDhi told me that I was looking pretty.

3. Something I enjoyed or appreciated.

Hats off to Madhav for jheloing life. Brave boy. The experiences at the Source of Origin meeting were so good. Hats off to brave women. Ottam was spectacular and DiPan was good. The play was quite a treat. It was also good to see Shail.

4. Something I did for my future self.

I did yoga and pranayam. Yesterday I didnt have a single cola. I made efforts towards my teaching practice and will study now. I bonded with Buro over Ottam. I love my brother. I spent quality time with Ma and Pa.

I really miss Arun. I want to see his face.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Pretty because SeeDhi said so

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.42 pm

Journal 10.12 pm on 7.10.2026 bewary

Dear Journal,

I can't eat outside food anymore-- I invariably puke out all the food. Ive also not done yoga in a while since I have a class as soon as I wake up. And it seems like I spend my day smoking.

Today I woke up close to 11 and was teaching Madhav by 11.15. I ate Pa made deemporotha for breakfast.

Then I had to meet Tejal. I spent time with her understanding the syllabus.

I fixed a meeting with SeeDhi.

In the evening I went to meet SeeDhi but today she gave me just 25 minutes of her time. If she didnt want to meet she should have cancelled. I was a little upset at this short meeting.

Then Ma and I went to the tailor.

I treated Ma to Pav Bhaji and Falooda at Blue P.

I dont remember my dream from the morning.

I think Ill turn in now. I really want to quit smoking. 

I am feeling:

Bored

Solemn

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.19 pm

Ps: Something I accomplished.

I taught Madhav. I spoke to Tejal on lesson plans. I treated Pa to mishti doi and Ma to liquorice and falooda and pav bhaji.

Something I handled well.

I treated Ma and Pa and spent quality time with them. I handled Pa's irritability without spiralling. I handled Seedhi's just 25 minutes without confrontation. 

Something I enjoyed or appreciated.

I loved the falooda,  liquorice and the fact that I have some money. I enjoyed teaching Madhav and SeeDhi said I look pretty.

11.41 pm

Ps2: Something I did for my future self--

I taught Madhav and sat with Tejal on lesson plans. That is experience and pure joy. I spent quality time with my parents and I even spoke to Buro. I bought tickets for DiPan's play to spend more quality time with Ma. And I journalled!

Journal 1.02 am on 7.10.2026 Durga pujo is near

Dear Journal,

I finally was able to pay Arun back! Frankly, I dont know how much I really owe him. I hope he is not upset. I feel relieved.

Talking about money, I've started keeping a Budget. Today I paid for lunch and juices and spent close to 2000 rupees. That's a lot. But money will come. It always does.

Im still up at this Godly hour because I want to prepare my lessons. Another hour.

I sent Arun messages-- one on hair dye and one on affiliate marketing. I hope he is not bugged.

I deserve love, money, happiness and all the good things in life.

I am feeling:

Acidity

Happy

Awake

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.08 am

Ps: Im planning to target 3 income streams from after Diwali-- teaching, writing, Tarot. I need to manage my time well. My laptop finally went for repair. 6 hours per week to each. That's 18 hours. I need to make schedules and stick to it. I also hope to meet Arun soon.

Love,

Me.

1.19 am

Journal 4.39 pm on 6.10.2026 how do you ever forget?

Dear Journal,

How will I ever forget Arun? Sometimes I feel the grip loosening and sometimes I feel such a surge of love for him. I so miss him. Today DiPan was asking about him. I told her that the last thing I want to do is break his family. That's the last thing on my mind. 

I woke up around 10 today. Then in a bit after having deemporotha made by Pa I went in for the lecture with Madhav. Madh said he couldnt hear me but I still went ahead with the class, chatting with him to aid him to write about himself. 

He says that he is a teetotaller. I wasnt one at his age. It's exactly 4.44.

Everything begins with daimoku.

DuMa didnt come today so I ordered lunch for me and Pa from Swadesh-- methi malai mattar, veg kolhapuri and Naan. I also ordered medu vada.

I quickly ate and left to meet DiPan. We studied a Gosho-- happiness in this World.

"Suffer what there is to suffer. Enjoy what is there to enjoy."

The brain has a sorting system called the Reticular Activating System that decides what our predominant state of mind. Anyhow like I said, everything begins with a determination-- a decision to be a sensitive actress, a decision to be the best teacher, a decision to be an articulate writer, exemplary painter, brilliant journalist, the best daughter, sister and friend.

It all starts in the mind. The suffering will pass.

I also spoke to Mrs Kampani.

I saw a dream with Swapku in it. In my dream I was transported back to the time of studying Neurobiology. I tell Swapku in the dream that the seniors forced me to study under Mcarunan. I, in fact, wanted to study under Medha Rajdyaksha.

The dream reminded me that sometimes you have to do things that you dont want to-- like study under a teacher you dont want to.

So that's that. I think Ill spend a little time on social media and then prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

I am feeling:

Happy

Pretty

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

4.57 pm

Journal 10 46 pm on 5.10.2026 Exhausted

Dear Journal,

Today I scolded the Grade 8 batch a lot. I also took away Danika's phone for a bit. I feel terrible at having scolded them but there was no other option it seemed. I wont scold them like this again. There must be a better way to manage them. Im sorry kiddos for scolding youll.

Fle was better managed today. The Grade 8 text was too tough. And they say that they have too much homework.

I wont punish my students. I will be kind. I will be diplomatic. Im learning.

I dont remember my dream from the morning. Madhav was also in no mood to study today.

I came back home about an hour ago and I think Ill chant and meditate and sleep. I dont need to consume so much YouTube content.

Tarini is so bindaas. I was so much more reserved at her age.

I miss Salvia.

Also my medication has been helping at keeping me going and I'm so grateful for that.

Last night I was awake till 4 in the morning preparing.

Im living an ordinary life at the moment. Im trying to love it but I do crave the extraordinary moments. I want my heart and my life to expand with joy.

I really love my students. I think I was too hard on Grade 8 today.

I also left my blue bottle in Kandivli. 

I hope Arun is fine.

I am feeling:

A little tired 

Solemn

Happy 

Loving

Clean after my bath

Ill also must take better care of my appearance.

I love my darling students.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.59 pm

Journal 9.54 pm on 4.10.2026 Im so lazing....

Dear Journal,

Im so lazing around. I snoozed in the evening. I spent some time with Twi who was complaining about SmiKan.

Then I heard a rat under the bench and rushed back home.

I woke up close to 12 in the morning. I have Madhav in the morning then a whole day full of lectures tomorrow. 

I ordered from McDonalds today and that was my dinner. Im so full up to my neck.

Im waiting for my salary because Ill pay back Arun with the money.

In fact I saw Arun in my dream in the morning. The whole dream is hazy because Pa came and woke me up. However, I remember waiting for something to happen. The way Im waiting on Arun in my waking life. There was Pa, there was Ma and that is it.

It's exactly 10 pm. I think I'll work till about 12/1 and go to sleep. But now for some visualisation exercise.

Arun is shoooooo cute. And Ma is looking so good with her white frame. She looks so young.

Ill just shut my eyes in a dark room for fifteen minutes and then get to work.

I am feeling:

Rested and relaxed

Alert and bright

Had too many Cloud 9s today.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.04 pm