Journal 8.47 pm 15.6.2026 a little sad yet full of love

Dear Journal,

It's so hot! So humid! Right now there is a cool breeze blowing. I've had 15 cigarettes today-- a bit much!

Today I woke up at 6.25. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine and 30 minutes of yoga.

I had chilla for breakfast. I had a bath and wore my white kurta with grey jeggings. Then I lay down and rested.

I left for Andheri station at 10.15. I got a bus easily and a place to sit.

The work with AfShe was about business development. I have a lecture tomorrow. I had two cups of coffee during the day. The man is a little khitkhite.

I spoke to DeJh over the phone. He has been messaging me since. I spoke to PrZo too.

I came home at 6.40 thinking that the pay is so low and I should go it on my own. I spoke to AmBhe and spent considerable time with Twi.

Twi is so sweet. I told her about my sadness that I'm struggling in my career, about my mental health. She said that it's all about the medication. All I need is a small dose everyday and to not skip my medication. I think I'll buy her something for her birthday.

I think I'll do this job for another 3, 4 months and then I'll go it on my own.

I'm so tired from the day and yet so alert and fresh.

Arun was supposed to call me up but he didn't. He crosses my mind each day and with thoughts of him come the thoughts of loss and longing. Will I ever love another as I loved him? Will there be another? This brings tears to my eyes.

I think instead of spending time writing my novel now, I'll bathe, chant and work on my online teacher profile. If I get even a few students I'll be able to make it.

I regret borrowing money from Arun, I regret skipping my pills. How did Arun feel when all that happened?

He is so detached. He doesnt message, doesnt call. I'm hurt.

I came home and had a boiled egg, fish fry, aloo Parathas, roshogolla and curd. That's dinner.

I am feeling:

A sense of love

A little longing

Calm

Peaceful

Bright

Alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

The bag on my birthday was sent by DeJh.

Love,

Me.

9.05 pm

Success

I've tasted success,

I know what it feels like;

It's more than preaching

Over a mike.

The other day I sombrely walked

As all my ships lay in the dock

And I threw one party

Then another on my boat

And tides raged in 

And I swam afloat.

There is no antidote for laziness

But work

True golden work

And work I must

And daily toil

For the ryot

And the fairies

And the pygmies all mine.

It's late today

But time is a fallacy

And my striving

Not a mere heresy.

Success knocks on my door

As I am busy

Polishing the floor

And the lights are lit

And I have arrived

With companions

From far and wide.

The wildflowers

Know not what to say

And my journey is safe

As I sail

Into the vast expanse

Of love and life

And what will prevail

Is success in hindsight.

-- Doel Sengupta

Friends

I've walked a lonely path till now

And many friends have appeared.

Now I seek to abandon small whims

Lest one more disappears.

That day as were driving by the sea

You held my hand and called me sweet

And sooner than I knew it my love

You escaped into the wilderness

And that was really tough.

I know some day again

You'll kiss me true

And I'll wipe off your tears

And drink your pain

So that you can dance about

And enjoy the rain.

That day is not far 

When victory bells toll

For a heart expanded

Instead of lying low.

Love is all there is really

That goes around

Everything else is a byproduct,

A life's lovely sound.

my only honey

By Doel Sengupta

I wish the hurt and pain never occured,

I wish I had never lost my mind

Peace is a treasure that has returns manifold

And these days that is where my energies lie.

I wish you were still there for me

Having you to caress and cajole

But nowadays the dogs bark all day

And this night is surely cold.

I wonder if you think about me Life

Where there is love that is where I find

That symphony of Love and Life are gold

It's a jewel that i wish to continually hold.

I think you know when I tell you sweet

Not having you near me brings on the heat

And try as I might now my efforts are small

But soon in the wild forests I stand tall.

Someone somewhere asked me for money

And I became protective and left being sunny

And in the evening when the crows caw

I regret losing my mind-- my biggest pause.

I love literally all of you

And not having you makes me so blue;

I want to tell you pretty neatly 

That decidedly I can't change you

But Ive changed myself

And that is all it takes,

A microsecond of prayer,

A whole box full of poetry

And one small dereliction within me

Is that you are my only honey.

A letter to my future self (4 years from now)

Dearest Doel of 2030,

How are you? You've arrived! And how!

Do you remember the fears and the heartaches of today 14.6.2026?

You must still be in touch with Arun!

And possibly there have been many attractions!

And possibly the pains of 14.6.2026 are not really there on 14.6.2030.

Many opportunities have come and you have held your own.

You must be sweeter, kinder, more courageous by now!

Today you start a job teaching English. You've got four casting calls in the past one month. Even though hope seems the only thing you are clinging on to there is so much to be grateful for.

Your parents are there. Your friends are there. There is food. There is money. There is love. There are clothes. And books. And resources. And the novel you are writing.

And then there is Arun.

How is all that today? I reckon everything is far sweeter and smoother by now.

Don't be lazy. Don't ever be lazy. And always remember how small you are in the realm of the whole universe. One whole universe by yourself but so miniscule in front of the gigantic wonderment of it all!

Love,

Me.

14.6 2026

Journal 14.6.2026 4.55 pm people are upset

Dear Journal,

Last night I spent time talking to Twi. I even arranged my cupboard to music. The evenings get quite cool even though there is no sign of the monsoons. At night I meditated. That is why may be I fell asleep easily.

I woke up at 7.51 today. I had my lemon juice, chanted, meditated, did yoga. It's discipline I'm cultivating.

I had sabu dana Khichdi for breakfast. Nobody quite makes sabu dana khichdi the way they made it in JNS.

I've had 6 cigarettes so far. I spoke to Shou who was upset with me and A Alam who was also upset but slightly more positive and genial.

I spent time researching topics. My mind drifted to Arun. I did quite love him deeply. May be I still do. But his wife and his many other women and his comparisons were too much. All these memories came flooding back because of some Gallery memories on my phone.

I read Daisaku Ikeda who really uplifts my spirits. Never lose courage. Always harbour hope. Be grateful. These are all newage mantras that take one a long way.

Buro and Sadhya came home. They got kulfi along with them. The kulfi was truly yum.

I got a call from a casting director for a series. This is just one call of many.

Plus tomorrow I start working.

No one quite knows what the future brings with it. I must abandon complaining and the megalomania that hits me sometimes that must be discarded.

I even spent some time listening to music-- all the songs I heard with Arun. I wonder how he is.

Now I'll chant and work on my novel.

I am feeling:

A cool breeze

Happy

Stable

Slightly sticky from sweat

A soft feeling of love in my heart

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for Arun, Ma, Pa, Buo, Sadhya and all the lovely friendships I have in life.

I am grateful for work and money.

I am grateful for food, shelter, clothes and everything that makes my life wonderful.

I am grateful that I got a call from Sunny the casting director. It shows somewhere someone has spotted me. Before time something should click.

I am grateful for fruits.

I am grateful for the kulfi I just had.

Love,

Me.

5.13 pm

Journal 13.6.2026 5.05 pm How is A?

Dear Journal,

I tossed and turned myself into sleep for about 3 hours. I finally fell asleep around 2 am. I woke up at 7.51 am.

I felt empty, kind of conflicted.

I drank my lemon juice, chanted, meditated, did some yoga and because I was feeling so caught up with a wave of drowsiness I smoked two cigarettes back to back. 

I've had 7 cigarettes so far.

Rati invited me to a premier of his movie but I can't go. So I wished him luck.

Then I ate noodles with a fried egg for breakfast. I wanted to read the news but I dosed off for about 30 minutes, waking up with a start.

My heart has kind of detached from Arun but my mind has not. He was on my mind all through the day.

I bought myself two dresses on sale. I'm a little cash-strapped but I haven't shopped in a while and temptation gave way.

Then I settled to research on things I could talk about in class. 

For lunch we had dal, jhinge posto and fish curry with rice and a mango. During lunch Ma urged me to save money when I earn. The savings target she set was an unbelievable percentage of my income. I think I'll save a smaller percentage. By September I should be able to pay Arun back all his money.

I watched something on how trees communicate and whales. I am enthralled by the wonders of Nature. I watched some other content-- I took back something from each video.

I will read Daisaku Ikeda, chant and write my novel now. I hope to catch Twi downstairs. She is nice to talk to.

I bumped into Kanchan aunty and she was worried about Ma's health. Ma has an upset stomach today.

It's been a good day. Complaint erases good fortune. Gratitude increases good fortune.

I am feeling:

A sort of heartache but a placid content feeling

Happy

A softened sense of love

Excited

Awake

Alert

Fresh

I am wearing my beige floral shirt with orange shorts. I will contribute to household expenses with my income. I don't really need to shop that much!

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for YouTube, Ted Talks, the internet, the wifi, my laptop and my phone. 

I hope Arun is doing well. I am grateful for loving harmonious relationships.

I am grateful for clothes. I should really buy longer dresses.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money.

I'm treating this job as an apprenticeship-- a learning and training ground and I'm grateful for all the experiences of my life.

Love,

Me.

5.26 pm