Journal 3.36 pm on 2.9.2026 Hatred is unbecoming

Dear Journal,

I just read something interesting and I want to record my thoughts on it.

When you judge someone and you condemn that person based on hatred, jealousy, envy, anger or any other negative emotion, you become just like that person.

If you judge someone for being poor, you will become poor. If you judge someone for being incompetent, you will exhibit incompetence. If you hate someone for being fat or ugly you will become fat or ugly.

This is why wars like between Israel and Palestine, or India and Pakistan are so confusing. The two enemies are just like each other. And if I hate Ma I will become like Ma, controlling and angry.

Love is the only antidote. Love is the only miracle. It is only love that can bring about a change. 

Even though I feel angry I must not forget my huge reservoirs of love. I love my mother. I love my brother, trying as they are. I love. 

I love everybody, including SaSe and Shanky.

When I left journalism and started pursuing theatre I used to judge my struggling friends. I got jobs easily while they were struggling with work and finances. I judged them as lazy. And now look where I am!

It is only benevolence that acts like a balm.

Yesterday SeeDhi told me that Im so like a gypsy living life on my own terms.

Anger is debilitating. Anger is a real poison that can kill you.

I really want to give up eating non veg. I feel bad for the animals I eat.

Where am I emotionally?

I feel the sexual urge a lot these days, especially towards Arun but I've decided that I'll never watch porn or masturbate. I only feel like doing that when I'm despondent. So there are better ways to be happy.

I feel like I should never cheat anyone in love and in finances so Ive been thinking that I HAVE TO pay back Arun his money.

I dont feel like trying towards Arun. He has expressed many times that he doesnt want a romantic bond. But I do love him.

I feel a lot of anger and hatred towards Ma. And I'm trying to understand that. She is controlling. She always has been all my life. But there is a way to tackle this with love and not with anger and hatred.

I bless my mother to be most loved and wiser. I bless her with beauty and joy and peace of mind. I bless her with pleasant emotions. I bless her with a long life with good health and good fortune. I bless her with absolute happiness.

I feel like my career needs a boost of good luck and good fortune.

I feel like I have some agency with my distance with Arun. I caused it and I feel sad about that even though he was the doer of the misdeeds.

I feel like I have to stop being lazy and critical and negative.

I feel like I have to uproot and destroy hatred in my being.

I feel like I have to be super rich and generous and give back to society.

I really want to quit smoking.

I think the insect in my dream that wanted to hurt my eyes was Ma. She wants to hurt my perception but I wont let her. I wish she was far far far more gentle and not so much like a man, aggressive and hurtful. 

I feel like being able to perceive Ma as gentle even though she is not.

I feel like Arun is trying to let me go in his prayers.

I am feeling:

Sexual

Happy

Will go down and have a cigarette.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

4.12 pm

Ps: And with regards to Arun and Ma and my career and my finances and my love life, social life, and professional life I surrender everything to the greatest goodness and to God. May the greatest goodness guide me in all my circumstances and all my decisions. May I always ALWAYS be guided with and by love and not with hatred. There are many reasons to let Arun go. He rejected my love and cheated on me. It's not just what Ma is praying for. Arun is a bigger player in this. And he always says he doesnt want me. So I'll give that to him. May he live a healthy and happy life with good luck and good fortune.

TAurad has been messaging me. May I have the happiest life with maximum love.

4.44 pm

Journal 1.28 pm on 2.9.2026 I must not hate Ma

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Im going up to the terrace. The terrace is not locked but it's shut and because Im scared of heights I dont venture there.

Then I saw myself enclosed in a huge closed space with pink walls and an insect with a long beak eyeing my eyes. I protect my eyes with a book or something and the insect with a swarm of other insects searches for an outlet out of the enclosed space.

I was in a space which was like a cathedral of a school.

I must not hate Ma. But she is not an easy woman. She is very difficult.

SBha has made me a job offer.

I must raise my vibration.

Ill make the most of today. I wonder if Arun will call me.

I am feeling:

Sexual

A little irritated

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.35 pm

Journal 10.11 pm on 1.9.2026 I dont know what to say

Dear Journal,

I get irritated when I see Ma chanting for long hours and staring at my feet. She prayed for me to quit journalism and is far from humane in her prayers. I view her as an extremely intellectual person but not a very wise person.

I dont want all her prayers regarding me to get answered. I really dont. The mother's ichinen must stop here. She's already invaded my private spaces and is too arrogant to be smart. Ma is a control freak, a highly volatile person who is not very smart.

But enough about her.

I watched Tarot videos all day and then I went to SeeDhi's house to study. Nimisha and Darshit were also there. I took a walk with Darshit after the meeting.

I got back home a while ago. And Im irritated with Ma. She is purposely despite my anger disrupting my life. She is so stupid!

I am feeling:

Irritated

Angry

Wish my mother was different and not so shallow.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy in my life.

Love,

Me.

10.26 pm

Journal 11.09 pm on 31.8.2026 Im feeling highly irritable

Dear Journal,

I come home after work every Monday to find that Ma has gone into my private spaces and placed everything in my room in disarray. No amount of pleading with her can stop her. So despite feeling angry, despite getting irritated I have to bear this!!!!!!! SHE IS SO ANNOYING! i'm feeling so angry with her... I hate this side of her when she makes no amends for anyone... I actually hate it... I hate certain aspects of her especially her control freakiness.

I woke up in the morning close to 9. But I dont remember my dream.

Arun called me up a little after 12. I know he cheated on me and yet, for a long time I've been harbouring feelings for him.

But one thing he said today did it. I was just affectionately teasing him about his nose and he said YOUVE STARTED THIS AGAIN. This is his signature line. Just like Pa's is IM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

As I taught my students today I reflected a lot on Arun. I was getting sexual thoughts and then I realised that he doesnt want what I want to give him. So I might as well pour all this love into myself.

His harshness today brought me to tears and I dont want to spend my days crying over him.

Im not ready to date someone new. He doesnt want to address essential issues. And we havent met in months! So this leaves me alone and Im frankly happy with that. Because Arun's anger leads me to depression. I was feeling so depressed today.

Tomorrow I have the study meet. Ill just watch Renaissance now and live my life to the fullest.

I am feeling:

Irritable

Self loving

Happy

Iam grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings and mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.27 pm

Journal 10.16 am on 31.8.2026 longing

Dear Journal, 

I go to sleep thinking about my cutestpie. And I wake up thinking about him.

I really miss him. I imagine being intimate with him. I love him.

May I not sabotage our bond.

I am feeling:

Happy

In love

Iam grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.18 am

Journal 11.41 pm on 30.8.2026 Im missing Arun inordinately

Dear Journal, 

May I have the wisdom to preserve the bond me and Arun share. I dont want any other man. I want him. I cant live without him.

Im so so so missing him.

I want to propose to him.

I dont want to be a mess.

Love,

Me.

11.43 pm

Journal 6.06 pm on 30.8.2026 What should I do?

Dear Journal,

Today Buro and Sadhya treated all of us to a fine dining experience at Que Sera Sera.

I can't get Arun out of my head! As I was thinking about Arun I had a deja vu, something I dreamt years before it actually happened.

Firstly, I have to stop keeping on blurting out I Love You to him. I should really let him be.

But... but... but... I dont think I want to let him go. I love him. I want him. I need him. I need his love.

I so so so miss him. So darned deeply. I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about him.

As I was sitting at lunch I realised that I looked so underdressed and I really havent been taking care of myself.

Arun... arun... arun... how you make me swoon!

I dont need to have the Arun dilemma sorted in my head just this moment. There will be a conclusion saga-- I hope it's in my favour.

Now I'll chant and meditate and prepare for tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Happy

Deeply in love

Full of love

Im crazy about Arun. But Im also upset with him.

I am grateful for all my infinite good fortune.

6.14 pm