Journal 9.20 pm 20.6.2026 a mild panic attack

Dear Journal,

It all started with last night's dream staying on my mind and thoughts of missing Arun and the state of my life right now and here I am feeling a sense of panic.

DeJh was supposed to meet me at 3.30 but he comfortably arrived at 6.30. We went to the beach and had a cup of coffee each.

It must be that and the heat that has left me feeling thus.

I slept till 10 am today. I did a little bit of yoga, chanted and meditated. Then I simply relaxed.

I spent time listening to music. The new Enigma albums are simply too good. I watched videos especially by Deepak Chopra.

DeJh told me that he doesnt believe in manifestation. I do. Not as in manifestation works but as in what you expect you get.

Im feeling a little panicky about the future. The coffee wont let me sleep.

Ive had a few cigarettes. Wont smoke more.

I met Twi downstairs. She was her sedate self.

I also bumped into Suma who gave me my prayer beads. I'll chant now and try and get some sleep.

I am feeling:

Happy

Missing Arun

Slightly panicky 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.27 pm

Journal 11.24 am 20.6.2026 dreams

Dear Journal,

I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep at 8 and woke up at 10 in the morning today.

Last night around 10 pm I had a dream that Nai and I were flying high up in the sky. He was trying to land himself but it was misplaced. I told him that humanbeings fly on electromagnetic waves but what that is originally called I dont know.

Then we land in a park and Nai transforms into Pa. Mamata Banerjee is handing out two notebooks each to people. It was a good dream. Then I woke up to take my medicines.

In the morning I had a dream that I dial RaTi's number by mistake and he picks up and talks to me.

I woke up around 10 today. It's 11.28 at the moment. DeJh said he'll come home. I even spoke to Twi. It should be a good day.

Love,

Me.

11.28 am

Journal 7.22 pm 19.6.2026 a dream of Blinkit delivery boys

Dear Journal,

I am feeling much better compared to yesterday. Less fagged out but I sure am tired.

I woke up around 7.57. I had a dream of Blinkit delivery boys sitting in a row. One of them got up to talk to me. Then I woke up.

There is a bus strike today. I waited for the bus for almost 40 minutes. I walked up to the Metro after my long wait. Then I got lost at Andheri station and walked in the hot sun. I was late by about half an hour for work.

In the morning I just chanted, meditated and did my eye exercises, sarvangasna and halasana.

I was so tired by the time I got to work.

I had a student. She was late by half an hour. Then she left the lesson midway because she said her mother was furious at her about something.

Work was more relaxed. AfShe actually lightly bantered today and was in a good mood. I did calls till about 5.05, had two colas, a few beedis and took the Metro back home.

I came home so tired. Ma is feeling weak and is running a fever. She also has a stomach ache. I rubbed her belly for some time. I noticed her sweet Dimma-like acheels.

I had fish curry rice and a mango after getting back from work.

I think I'll put my novel on a drive so that I can work on it on the go on my phone.

I got a mail for an assessment to be given soon but I can't reasonably give it now. I'll  give it on Monday.

I rested for about 20 minutes and here I am writing this. I'll chant and talk to Twi then I'll call it a day.

I am feeling:

Slightly Breathless 

Happy

Pretty

Loving

Kind

In a good mood

Clean

The rains are playing truant. It is so hot.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, mercy and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.34 pm

Journal 9.48 pm 18.6.2026 a stand up comedy

Dear Journal,

I woke up at 6.51 today but did not chant till 7.30. Instead I spent some time with Ma in the morning. Then, of course, I chanted, meditated and did yoga.

I wore my cotton world sky blue and yellow striped kurta with denims. I had a super boring day at work. Work was so slow and there was so much work! I have a class tomorrow.

I came home so tired and edgy. AfShe doesnt talk that much. And he barely smiles and I've never heard him laugh. So boring.

I came home and had fish curry rice and bathed. Then me and Ma went for a stand up comic show. The show went on for an hour and a half. The first few acts were very boring and full of sex jokes but the ending acts were amazing! The last guy was kind of bald and kind of cute.

I taught Madhu how to clean my room today. She even made the bed so well that I feel like lying down and relaxing.

Now i'll chant and eat dinner and then go to sleep.

It's 9.55.

I am feeling:

Happy but slightly heart heavy

Clean from my bath

I'm wearing my new red dress.

Pretty

Ma bought litchis on the way back home.

When will my kadka days get over?

I had such a headache today from the boredom it wasn't even funny.

A guy kind of started talking to me in the bus. He wanted my number. I somehow turned him away.

I've had 3 colas today.

A good laugh is a mood uplifter!

That reminds me I can start doing my laughter exercises again. May be that will uplift my mood.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the show I went for with Ma today. I had a good laugh towards the end.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money. 

I am grateful for clothes and my bath.

I am grateful for friends and family and relationships of mutual love, trust and respect.

I am grateful for the internet. It's 10 exactly now.

I am grateful for my phone and laptop.

I am grateful I have a job. Lowpaying but nevertheless it's there.

I spoke to DeJh today.

Love,

Me.

10.03 pm

Ps: last night i saw a dream where Arun is talking to me then I kiss him on his cheek... then i woke up.

10.51 pm

Journal 7.53 pm 17.6.2026 im feeling good

Dear Journal,

I've been sleeping till really late. Today Ma woke me up at 7.41. The pills are working their magic and I feel so much better.

I did my morning chanting, meditation, yoga and had a bath. I ate macaroni with egg for breakfast. It was real yum!

I wore my pink and white check shirt with my blue trousers. I rushed out of the house because I was running really late. Sud kakima came home then because she was accompanying Ma and Pa to Munima's house. Obviously she gave me two huge plops of kisses.

I caught a bus and made my way to work.

AfShe was really irritable. He is a lonely sort of chap. I sit all alone with him and work. Just me and him. Hope he turns out to be a decent sort of chap.

I hope I can convert some students to regular classes soon.

I spoke to Bishuda. He is doing a play.

DeJh came to meet me near my office. He was on his way to Gujarat. He gave me chocolates and a fridge magnet. We grabbed coffee, bantering for about half an hour. Then he made his way to Borivli for his train. He looked quite stressed out.

Im home now. I took a comfortable Metro ride home. 

I feel physically tired coming back from the busyness of Andheri station to my tranquil apartment. Otherwise I feel really good.

I think I can safely say that I'm over Arun. I love him for the memories. I don't know frankly if there will be more memories with him in the future.

I am feeling:

Tired but not fatigued

Happy

Loving

Sweet

Fresh from my bath

In a good mood

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Now I'll go chat with Twi, chant and work on my novel.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Journal 10.03 pm 16.6.2026 I just got back home

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I spent considerable time with Twi. I saw her sitting downstairs when I was going for work this morning.

I spoke to Arun last night. He was quite rude. That helped in getting over him today.

I woke up at 8.40! Ive had too many cigarettes today.

I chanted, I meditated but due to paucity of time had to skip yoga. I also haven't written my novel for 3 days.

I woke up around 3 am feeling really depressed but I'm feeling better now. I fell asleep again well after 4.

Work was decent. I had class with a sweet Muslim boy called Huzaifa.

I went to meet Krao in the evening with Ma and Pa. He has put me on an antidepressant.

The work I have to do is easy. It's just the small travel by bus and the hustle and bustle of Andheri station that is nervewracking.

The weather has been really hot. No sign of the rains.

Dejh said he will meet me tomorrow for a bit. He wants to give me some chocolates he got from Turkey.

I've taken my medication after eating a piece of fish fry.

Now I'll bathe, eat dinner, chant and go to sleep.

The days are getting better. Today I didn't think about Arun that much. I've gone back to smoking beedis because of the cost.

I am feeling:

Melancholic

Stable

Breathing heavily

A slight heartbreak

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.13 pm

Journal 8.47 pm 15.6.2026 a little sad yet full of love

Dear Journal,

It's so hot! So humid! Right now there is a cool breeze blowing. I've had 15 cigarettes today-- a bit much!

Today I woke up at 6.25. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine and 30 minutes of yoga.

I had chilla for breakfast. I had a bath and wore my white kurta with grey jeggings. Then I lay down and rested.

I left for Andheri station at 10.15. I got a bus easily and a place to sit.

The work with AfShe was about business development. I have a lecture tomorrow. I had two cups of coffee during the day. The man is a little khitkhite.

I spoke to DeJh over the phone. He has been messaging me since. I spoke to PrZo too.

I came home at 6.40 thinking that the pay is so low and I should go it on my own. I spoke to AmBhe and spent considerable time with Twi.

Twi is so sweet. I told her about my sadness that I'm struggling in my career, about my mental health. She said that it's all about the medication. All I need is a small dose everyday and to not skip my medication. I think I'll buy her something for her birthday.

I think I'll do this job for another 3, 4 months and then I'll go it on my own.

I'm so tired from the day and yet so alert and fresh.

Arun was supposed to call me up but he didn't. He crosses my mind each day and with thoughts of him come the thoughts of loss and longing. Will I ever love another as I loved him? Will there be another? This brings tears to my eyes.

I think instead of spending time writing my novel now, I'll bathe, chant and work on my online teacher profile. If I get even a few students I'll be able to make it.

I regret borrowing money from Arun, I regret skipping my pills. How did Arun feel when all that happened?

He is so detached. He doesnt message, doesnt call. I'm hurt.

I came home and had a boiled egg, fish fry, aloo Parathas, roshogolla and curd. That's dinner.

I am feeling:

A sense of love

A little longing

Calm

Peaceful

Bright

Alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

The bag on my birthday was sent by DeJh.

Love,

Me.

9.05 pm