Journal 9.06 pm on 29.10.2026 Im feeling it again

Dear Journal,

Im feeling that strange ringing ears, sexual sexual feeling again. Im really nervous about meeting Arun tomorrow. I wonder how it will be. Im not in my best shape and I hope he doesnt say anything mean.

I still love him. I still really really do.

Today I woke up around 11.

The whole day was spent watching Steve Harvey shows. And I felt... who am I living for?

Then I went to meet SeeDhi and properly ranted to her about Ma.

She told me to focus on my life and not to bother about what Ma is praying for. She also said how will her prayers work. Then why do we chant if we dont believe our prayers will get answered?

I came back home and Ma unleashed all her frustration on me.

She is sooo difficult to live with.

So I went down and spent some time with Twi and Marzoo.

9.12 pm... ill continue this later

While I was gone I chanted with Ma and Pa, ate my dinner, took the pills and went down. And Twi and Marzoo were still there chatting.

Apparently we are all definitely going out on Saturday. Hopefully it will be a good time.

With Leena and Twi we discuss men. I dont know what Marzoo will talk about.

Im feeling such a sexual urge. And I feel so plain.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.35 pm

Journal 11.58 am on 29.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

Today is Sadhya's birthday! She is finding eating in Vietnam tough. 

I had a dream last night that Twi, Leena, Marzoo, Arun and I were discussing politics. And I go like-- I really want NaMo out. But then I go like-- But I cant accept RaGa as Prime Minister. To which everybody says-- Why I would love to have RaGa as PM.

This is another time Im seeing Arun mingle with my friends in my dreams.

Anyhow... I hope to make the most of today.

Love,

Me.

12.03 pm

Infinite love

It's been a while since

I gazed at you fully

And even then you

Love only me truly

And you are captivated

By the rustling of the grass

As I drink glass upon glass

Of putrid medicines,

Putrid Gold

And your cheeks

I would like to hold.

It amazes me

How you can be so influenced,

How gullible you are!

And some day

Youll lay to rest

All the outer bars

And measure

Me originally

In your heart

And find that

The infinite love

For you there

Would always last!

Journal 9.00 pm on 28.10.2026 when did I become so lazy and why?

Dearest Journal,

I had a dream in the morning that a certain green plot of land was out of bounds and had been shut with wooden doors. I approach a lady cop to get through and finally the door opens.

And then I saw that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there because she has a mental health problem. Then in a bit I woke up. I wonder what this dream means?

When did I become so Goddarned lazy? Why am I not taking steps towards my future? I want to be a successful writer... why am I behaving so lazily?!

It's because of ADe that I met Krao. I hope she is fine.

I woke up in the morning a little after 11.30. There was no breakfast for me. I had Hilsa for lunch.

I didnt even take a bath today. S Ojha invited me for the screening of his film.

I sent the invite to Twi and Arun. Twi said she is interested. Arun didnt reply. He is also not telling me when he wants to meet me.

I lazed around all day long. I watched this. Then I watched that.

I didnt go to Maa Studio today. If I had I would have worked on my book. Also my laptop! I hope Manit can repair it.

It's been helluva long ride. I wish my mom had no problem with me being a journalist. I find her too judgmental. When I was working in the newsroom she said those who become journalists are not good at studies. Im feeling irritated with her.

Pa and she have gone for a building meeting.

1. Something I accomplished.

Rest.

2. Something I handled well.

Arun's silence. Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated.

My family's support. Friends. Food. Sadhya and Bu sent pics of the food they are eating. Sadhya has a headache because of the non veg smell in Hanoi.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

Rest. Now Ill chant after dinner.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

Im lazy.

6. Something I appreciated about myself.

Im generous.

I am feeling:

Irritated with Ma.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.16 pm

Journal 11.37 am on 28.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that a certain space was out of bounds and I approach a woman cop to get me past it.

Finally I have access to the space. And it turns out that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there.

Then I see myself lying on the ground and a certain lady is getting videographed for a shot.

And a girl with cropped hair keeps telling her that her eyes are splitting. 

Love,

Me.

11.41 am

Journal 9.49 pm on 27.10.2026 im trying

Dear Journal,

I went to sleep rather late last night. I woke up after 12.

I dreamt in the morning that I was dyeing my hair with my fingers. Then later I saw a dream that a palmist was trying to locate circles on my palm and I spotted one circle on his palm on the mount of moon.

I ate lunch. Roti with chicken; and didnt pray after waking up.

Well after 4 I left to go to Maa Studio. I met a guy called V Singh there who smiled at me and started talking with me.

He was telling me about his girlfriend. We spent a good three hours talking. At some point I told him that I have an ex who I still love. And V Singh said: "Lose weight and your ex will fall in love with you again." Hmm... I have become fat. Ive gained 10 kgs in 4 months. 

Then there was another chap. D Singh. He also struck conversation with us. There were two girls working on a script and I wanted to talk to them but they didnt want to talk to us.

So me and V Singh smoked cigarettes and chatted. I had a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. And then I came home.

I even wrote a little of my book today! I could have written more!

I met Twi but she was busy with Mrs Pancholi senior. So I bought three cigarettes and came home. I just finished chanting with Ma and Pa.

Pa told me not to chant in such a nasal tone-- he said that it hurts the ear. Hmm.

1. Something I accomplished.

Wrote a little of my book. Socialised. Spent quality time with Ma and Pa.

2. Something I handled well.

Social life. I need to put in more effort in my book.

3. Something I appreciated.

Ma and Pa and their support of me. Food. Money. Shelter. My blissful sleep. It was good talking to V Singh. I told him that Im looking for a job. He asked me if I want to work as a casting assistant and I said No. He said... Think About It.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I wrote my book. I prayed. I feel like Ive fallen in love with Arun again. I so miss him. He messaged that we would definitely go for a walk this week. I want to kiss his cheek.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

I am a great conversationalist. The Tarot is an icebreaker. I need more focus on my work. And that I cant afford to sleep for such a long time.

6. Something I appreciated about myself.

I am sincere in love. Ive been most loyal towards Arun. And Im really missing him.

I am feeling:

Happy

I feel i smell good today

Full of love for Arun

So grateful to have chanted with Ma and Pa

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.06 pm

Journal 1.18 pm on 27.10.2026 I love Arun

Dearest Journal,

I go to sleep imagining im loving Arun. I wake up imagining Im loving Arun. There is no other guy on my mind. I love love love my Alun.

In the morning I had a dream that I was touching up my hair with dye. I was applying the dye to my whites with my fingers-- something Ill never do in waking life.

I had a more elaborate dream but I dont remember it.

Love,

Me.

1.21 pm

Ps: I also remember someone reading my palm in my dream and looking for circles.

2.30 pm