Journal 9.25 pm on 26.7.2026 why am I such a last minute person?

Dear Journal,

Ever since we broke up without realising it I have the habit of checking Arun's timestamps. And my mind goes into a tizzy over what he is up to. Hopefully, naming this habit will cause me to be less obsessed.

Frankly, I have had too many colas and cigarettes today. Since I've determined to really give up smoking my smoking has actually gone up.

I should not be such an overthinker! I should really take a chill pill. It's all good. Life is unravelling at its own pace.

I remember opening my Biology textbook for the first time for my 12th boards on the eve of the board exams. And yet, I almost topped.

All my life I've prepared last minute. Even for today's study and experience I prepared just last night before going to sleep around 3 am. And yet I got a thunderous applause today.

Even for tomorrow's lectures I'll be preparing now.

What does it mean when one is in a habit of preparing last minute. Procrastination, yes! But why am I such a last minute person and why oh why in God's name do I ruminate so much?! I wish I didn't overthink subliminally everything.

Something has shifted in me. I feel like I've fallen in love with Arun all over again. I have absolutely no clue what happened and why?

I so love his cuteness.

I don't think I'll tell him anything. We decided to be just friends and i don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me.

But how do I contain these feelings and what should I do about my loving heart?

I really hope Arun starts chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. All the study is stuff he naturally spews; it will really appeal to his common sense. I have a feeling he will love it.

What has happened? Why do I feel that I love Arun so much again? And where am I headed?

I REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

I MISS ARUN INORDINATELY THESE DAYS.

I am feeling:

Happy

Overthinking every small thing

Feeling a lot of love in my heart

I think I'm head over heels in love with Arun all over again. But I don't know why? And frankly, I'm slightly scared of my feelings for him. I don't want to get lost in my thoughts like this over him. I wish I had a firmer grip upon myself and my mind!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.42 pm

Journal 2.20 pm on 26.7.2026 a cryptic dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a cryptic dream whose details I don't remember. I saw Guz in my dream and her mom and dad. There was a sense of closure in the dream, I was seeking something that belonged to me from them, some treasure, something precious... the details of the dream are hazy.

I woke up a little before 10.15 and without taking a bath left for the zadankai.

I got a thunderous applause to my experience. People clapped for a really long time. The zadankai was in Suma's new pad in Panchvatika.

As I was leading the study Arun called. I had to cut his call. I had been eager to hear his voice yesterday.

After the meeting Suma distributed cookies... yummy wheat bran cookies. She is such a sweet person.

I went to Chotto's house after that and me and Sadhya chatted. Buro told me to detach from my emotions and to focus on priorities.

I called up Arun. I really love him. As I was teasing him about his nose he wanted to hang up. May be he doesn't want me to be so affectionate. He said he is going to Hyderabad tomorrow. I just sent him the chant of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. I really want him to chant it. It will bring him so much happiness. I genuinely want him to be happy.

Now I'll have a bath, eat my lunch and study.

Tomorrow better be a golden day!

Today better be even better!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Focused

Determined

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I hope all those I love have a great day, especially Ma, pa, Buro and Arun.

Love,

Me.

2.32 pm

Journal 1.24 am on 26.7.2026 facing reality

Dear Journal,

Most vital of all is to face reality in each moment of life. I love Arun. I will always love him. Sometimes my heart fills up with so much love for him.

That says more about me than about him -- I'm capable of such deep love. May be, just may be he doesn't have the capacity to make space for me in his life. Or may be he is trying to maintain boundaries. As someone who loves him I can respect that.

He is married. He will never leave his wife. I just kind of have to live with that.

Then there is this feeling of emptiness. There is a Buddhist saying: Emptiness is the highest virtue. I'm not used to this feeling so I find it distressing.

Then there is the aspect of money. I'm not making at the moment as much as I'd like. That doesn't mean things wont change in the future. I can keep praying, keep making causes.

Then there is Ma. I probably love her the most in the whole wide world but she is a tad too demanding.

I wish there was some place for all this love in my heart to land.

Tonight I told DeJh not to try so hard to please me because it is annoying. I don't know how he took it.

Tomorrow is the zadankai! I'll just skim through the study and sleep.

In conclusion, most vital of all is to be realistic. Nothing except love is more important than that.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Cold from the ac

Concerned about my loved one's health and well-being.

Sweet

I love Arun. I LOVE MA THE MOST.

Love,

Me.

1.34 am

I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD'S INFINITE LOVE, GRACE AND BLESSINGS ON MY LIFE.

Journal 10.49 pm on 25.7.2026 I better buck up

Dear Journal,

I think my emotions got the better of me these past few days. There is nothing between me and Arun. Everything between us is history.

I would have called him today just to stay in touch but he said he is busy and he still hasnt called!

I'm really hurt by his harshness. Also he leaves messages unanswered.

I should, I HAVE TO GET OVER HIM. Why have I found it so difficult. He played around with my heart and then left me for a wife he says he is never leaving.

I actually feel like crying but I dont want to.

I'm over Arun... I have to get over him.

I'm so lucky to have DeJh as a friend. He is really good support.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

I am feeling:

Deeply hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.54 pm

Journal 2.02 pm on 25.7.2026 regularness

Dear Journal,

I had a dream about regularness, something plain and I remember thinking as I slept that the dream is not interesting. Well, me lost in the quagmire of my dream world! I must snap out of it and engage with the real world! I HAVE LESSONS TO PREPARE!

Arun says he is busy and that he will call me. I really miss him but we are not in a space to rekindle at any point.

Now I'll have a bath and chant a bit more and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

Sweet

Sedate 

Want to quit smoking! More than an urge, it's a habit!

Love,

Me.

2 06 pm

Ps: I think I dreamt that I saw myself walk through a room full of giant servers for the internet. Wonder what that means.

4.30 pm

Journal 7.20 pm on 24.7.2026 better prepare

Dear Journal,

Last night DeJh said he wants to meet me today. Because I thought that it would be a huge distraction to my plans I told him NO, I'LL BE BUSY. Even though I haven't prepared much I think I did the right thing.

I really do love Arun. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting with AI. I think it's best to keep some questions unanswered and some answers uncertain instead of mulling into each point with tweezers.

TejAurad messaged asking how prepared am I for Monday. I told her honestly that I'm very nervous. She said she thinks I'll be great. She is really very sweet.

I loved my dream in the morning-- feeding dogs and taking care of Ma, and a home being rebuilt.

Jung's Law of Synchronicity! This is indeed a fresh chapter in my life, one in which I know who I love for sure and one with hope and responsibility. Arun is a friend I deeply love and cherish. Stupid guy!

It's been a day of solitude and reflection-- I really have been gifted with the capacity to think! Overthinker I am! I'll try to take it easy on my mind.

I think I'll chant for a bit now and think and study.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Deep love

Hope

My pulse feels changes are on the horizon.

Care and concern for those I love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.33 pm

Journal 10.53 am on 24.7.2026 dreaming of feeding dogs

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow is my koala bear's birthday.

I had a dream of feeding multiple dogs. I saw Miso, I saw Simba and I was basically trying to feed/ feeding them.

Then I saw a house that has gone for redevelopment with a board announcing it. I saw Ma in my dream too. I was taking care of her. As the day goes on I hope to remember more of my dream. This is all I remember for now.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving (why am I thinking so much about Arun?)

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.57 pm