Journal 7.49 pm on 23.10.2026 I want to be powerful

Dearest Journal,

I woke up around 12 pm today and then had that deja reve regarding Arun. So even though I still love him, I've decided to let him go. It's important to let him go. For my own wellbeing.

I watched a few short films today and spent considerable time on YouTube watching this and that.

It's what you watch these days that makes your life. 

Then Ma came home with her student. I left to meet SeeDhi. Today SeeDhi spoke about being powerful. She always sees herself in me. It's a sort of projection she is habituated to.

She spoke about her and me becoming powerful in 8 years. I said why not make that 4 years.

Ive stopped checking Arun's timestamps.

Me and SeeDhi studied about how power corrupts people.

1. Something I accomplished.

I spent good time with Pa today. I sent my resume to Man the director. I prayed today. I watched some good short films today.

2. Something I handled well.

SeeDhi. Pa. Thoughts of Arun in my head. I think Ive finally let him go. I used to always accuse SeeDhi for being worldly smart but now I see the benefits of her point of view. She spoke about how Sanskar had a meltdown for two whole days and how he is travelling from tomorrow. 

3. Something I appreciated.

My family for supporting me. My friends for being there for me. The yummy food. I ordered rolls from Peetuk, had chinese and chk fry for lunch. I appreciated myself today. I also thought about being the kind of person I would love to be with. I told SeeDhi about how Cmashi and BMesho treat me and that's when she spoke about power. She said that when one is rich automatically that person becomes powerful.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I prayed. I consumed content that will help me in my work. I spent quality time with SeeDhi and now Ill go and spend some time with Twi. I hope the 4 of us have a good time in OnToes.

5. Something Ill do tomorrow towards my future self. [9.05 pm]

Ill pray. Ill perform yoga and pranayam. Ill consume clean content. Ill work on my book.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Bedraggled

Comfortable 

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace, Blessings and Mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.04 pm

Journal 1 48 pm on 23.10.2026 deja vus from my dreams

Dear Journal,

I have so many deja vus that I see in my dreams way before the actual event actually happens.

The entire Metamorph experience was filled with Deja Vus that I saw in my dreams months or years ago.

Today I woke up after 12 and was just going through YouTube. I started watching a short film that was uploaded just a week ago-- last Friday.

It was about a girl who dumps her fiance and falls in love with a guy she meets on a dating app.

While I was watching the film I had a deja vu from a dream dreamt months ago where I saw that i feel that Arun has moved on. And I feel that just like the girl in the film I'll also find someone way better. I felt in this little deja vu sequence that Arun is with someone else.

May be he is. So I should just let him be.

I dont remember my dream from the morning. But it was something significant. I think it's time to pack Arun into a little packing box and let him rest. Without me.

Arun rejected me. I'll find someone who wont let me go. Someone who will accept me with my flaws.

It's time to let Arun go.

I am feeling:

Happy

Itchy in the nose

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace, Blessings and Mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.57 pm

Journal 7 30 pm on 22.10.2026 oh no

Dear Journal,

So Ive officially quit Metamorph and I feel fine except that I'll miss my students. Manit also called and said the laptop has some serious issue and he needs two more days with it.

I really want my laptop back! Four months without it has been a long time.

I need to send my resume to a director. I think I'll finally have to do that from my phone.

In the morning I woke up well after 11. I chanted for about an hour, had Biryani for lunch and spent quality time with Pa.

I think TAurad has been unjust with me. But I cant tell her that. Everywhere Ive worked people play politics and try to outshine the other.

Ive never done that. I stay away from gossiping. It's something that comes naturally to me. I know Arun gossips a lot at the workplace. But I dont.

TAurad said something about Tanya and Ruch complaining. Well I spent so much time with them! Why didnt they tell me?!

Im tired of the bitchy mindset! Ive outgrown it a long long long time ago....

I also read the Arts Division Book today. Nice... it's my second read through it.

I hope Manit has the wisdom to repair my laptop well. I really want my fully functioning laptop back. It's derailed much of my life.

I think tomorrow Ill use Pa's laptop for a bit.

1. Something I accomplished.

I spent quality time with Pa. Buro is on his way to Vietnam. He has decided to be cold with me! I as usual accomplished bringing about a balance in my relationships. I seriously prayed today. I read the Arts book. And I tidied my clothes.

2. Something I handled well.

My father! And this breakup with Metamorph.

3. Something I appreciate.

My family for supporting me no matter what and for never giving up on me. My Buddhist practice. Manit for working on my laptop. Duma's awesome Biryani. My friends.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I bathed. I prayed. I followed up on my laptop. I read the Arts book. Ill work on my book tonight.

Ive somehow been seeing crowds of people in my dreams. I wonder what that means.

I think Ill go down for a bit of a walk.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Future-geared

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life .

Love,

Me.

7.48 pm

Ps: I came back home after sitting with Twinkle, Leena and Marzoo about an hour ago. We decided to go to OnToes one of these days... hope it's fun.

My eyes have become like some Mother Teresa's eyes. Conpassionate and sexless. The face is the mirror of the mind and the eyes are the windows to the soul.

10 14 pm

An ode to my students

You sit there so gingerly

Mulling on the blue skies

And how it sheds tears unwarranted

And you speak not so many lies.

Homework is a word

You absolutely hate

Yet all of you are bards

Who have survived a stalemate;

Study you just dont want to

That's a fair given

But rushing to the loo

One by seven.

Yesterday I ended my journey

With one batch fresh

Announcing the fairness

Of the harnessing eggs.

It's only today as I sat and studied 

Ill miss all of you,

This chance was hurried.

How you rolled on the floor

So laughingly

Or asked me questions

So seriously.

And when you told me

Tales of your moms and dads

I realised even I have two

And that made me glad.

Your bright faces I am going to miss

And in my mind I am

Drawing out a real long list

Of all the love I found

In your seeking hearts

And I concur out of you

Many are already bards.

letter to Arun 9.39 pm on 21.10.2026 hey there

Dear Arun,

There is such a great distance between us. Plus I have to take appointments with you to talk to you. I miss you.

Have you found somebody else? Are you with someone new or old?

If I have to date again I have to find someone better than you. I dont think that's possible.

I wish there was some way for me to work with you.

You are shooo cute. What are you blessing me with? I have oodles of blessings upon you.

You know when I pray I never wish anybody ill. Even my worst enemy receives only good wishes from me.

That makes me an achingly kind person. But does the world have place for someone like me?

Today mom's prepared something special for the family. A mother's heart. It hurts that Im not a mother because I so adore children and the youth.

I love you.

Happy Dassera!

Love,

Doel.

9.45 pm

Journal 7.30 pm on 21.10.2026 Not confused, but undecided

Dear Journal, 

Today all day I thought about Arun. About letting him go. Mind you, I am not confused. I love him and want him in my life. But I still dont know if I should wait for him romantically. That conversation needs to be had so that I gain some clarity. For now I think Ill let it rest and keep chanting for him.

He just replied to my Bijoya message a while ago. He is shooo cute. He has such a cute personality. I find that adorable.

Today I woke up close to 11. There was a crowd of people in my dream but what we were doing in my dream I dont remember.

I had my two juices and got onto a call with TAurad. I think Im quitting Metamorph. For such a paltry pay, with little assistance when I reach out, with Tanya complaining and making excuses I think Ive had quite enough.

My laptop wasnt supposed to be with me on this sojourn because Im getting it back only tomorrow.

Four months without a laptop= Four months at Metamorph. Im grateful that I could pay Arun.

In the afternoon I sat and chanted. Then DiPan came home. AstAro is having her enshrinement today but she didn't invite me.

Today I got messages from Madhav and Madhav's mom about the classes. I had to clarify their doubts. I wonder why TAurad didn't reach out to them.

Madhav's mother is a handful.

I wish I could work with Arun. There is so much to learn from him.

Ma is making Ghoogni.

Eshna and Shanky's birthday is coming soon.

Where am I going wrong?

I think I'll go to Goa... just to relax.

1. Something I accomplished.

I am going to work on my book. Each day I plan to work on it after journalling. I accomplished managing relationships. I accomplished controlling what I consume from the media. So I read this beautiful article today-- you are what you watch everyday.

2. Something I handled well.

I handled Madhav's mom, Madhav and TAurad quite well I think. I told TAurad that Im trying my level best. She told me that when there are issues I should complain to her. But 'Complaint erases good fortune. Gratitude increases good fortune.' I am not in the habit of bitching about other people and complaining. DiPan told me that she finds me inspiring because Im so non-judgmental and so non-bitchy. I dont know if she meant it. But yes, i dont participate in emotional politics because I think that that is emotional atyachaar.

3. Something I appreciated. 

I love the fact that Ma is making Ghoogni with mutton. Im so grateful to Arun for blessing me today. Im also grateful to Metamorph. I am grateful for these days when Im learning so much. I spent quality time with Pa today. I hope I get another job soon.

4. Something I did for my future self.

I smoked far fewer cigarettes today. Im going to have a bath and work on my book. I bathed today. I nourished myself thanks to Ma and Pa. All in all I dont know where the time whooshed by.

I am feeling:

Happy

Grateful

Peaceful

Excited for dinner

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7 56 pm

21 10.2027 letter to myself (written in 2026)

Dear Doel of 21.10.2026,

How are you? I see that in 2026 you had Bijoya doshomi on this day.

Your fourth book has become a bestseller! Im so happy about that!

Also you've quit smoking for a long time now! Im infinitely happy about that!

Your relationships with the people around you have improved. You have a stable writing job for over a year now.

You also are in a stable relationship and it's quite surprising that you pulled through. You havent been depressed in a long time!

Ma and Pa are in pristine health. Buro has become more tolerable and he and Sadhya are on their way to having a baby!

Twi is still around and in better spirits!

How are you? Dont lose hope. Never lose hope. When something ends something better is just around the corner.

Arun has also on his own kept in touch with you. Isnt that wonderful? Isn't that divine?

I hope youve enjoyed Bijoyadoshomi. I hope you have succeeded and that 2026 ended on a good note!

I love you. I love you immensely.

Love,

Doel of 21.10.2027