Closure

You finally said it, finally you did

That to me goodbye you want to bid

Rather than holding conversation

When everything is wrong,

You said it finally: Goodbye! SO LONG!

Our paths will cross once again

But back with you will mean the same

Lack of trust and cacophony

I dont want you back no more, trust me.

To us I poured in lots of thought

And charm to the table you brought,

Wherever you go, wherever you stay

For you I'll always hope and pray.

A lesson learnt ill never forget

Is that another woman's man I will never beget;

Believe me life is a little sardonic now

But I finally poured my heart out to the one I love.

Im so sorry I held on for so long,

I should have said it all before and let you go.

So much hoping came with so much pain

And I know I hurt you in this scanty rain.

Im really exhausted now, im kind of done with you

And it's poetry now that will fight the blues.

I wont talk to you as much anymore

And I'll never live deprived of love like a whore,

Ill smile, ill sing, ill dance around

Sometimes dressed up in the sun.

It's such a fortunate thing dont you think

That whatsapping you brought me closure

And that's a real win-win.

I wont apologise to you no more,

Ive done that a lot, thats the lore!

I dont love you that much anymore

Because you didnt honour my heart as you kept score,

And I dont think there is any point turning back time

And oh! How I love to chime and rhyme!

Glazed and hurt, dazed and lost

I'll find my way back because Im the boss.

Im happy today after a really long time

Because I said it all today with a dash of calm.

May you find love, may you find home,

May you find peace and not hearts of stone.

May you suckle again at Nature's breast

And may joy ensconce you like a snare.

And for myself what would I wish

But to be a better person and really relish

The small and big happinesses of life

Because God's bounties are unrestricted 

Abundant and profound. 

I lay the matter to rest today

Be happy, find love anyway!

Journal 12.55 am on 5.9.2026 I want Arun to find love and be happy

Dear Journal,

I sent Arun a record volume of messages! It'll overwhelm him but I needed to get it all off mychest. Hopefully he will read the messages.

Im no fool. I know he cheated on me. And in sending him so many messages I let him go. I got my closure.

I really want him to find love-- a simple beautiful woman who he wont need to lie to or betray. I want him to be happy.

I dont think I want to date anybody.

Many unpleasant things happened today like Ma lashing out at me and me waking up to Arun's messages saying he is done with me.

Im so happy I said it all today.

Ive kind of lost love for Arun. He has put me through so much pain that I dont want to date him again. But I still love him-- his eyes, his nose, his dark skin, his hair, his smell, his charms, his love... I had the time of my life with him. Those days are beautiful memories.

And they will never come back.

I dont know why I had the desire to tell Arun so many things but he will find love, I know that-- a nice girl who wont take advantage of him.

I really want to move on from him. No other man interests me. DiPan told me today that may be this is protection. She told me how she was cheated upon.

Sex is such a banal thing. It makes you hurt people. It makes people go astray. It makes people cheat. I think Ill sacrifice sex.

I think the situation with his wife is irreparable and frankly, if I was just his friend and not his ex I would have told him to get divorced. Both he and his wife must be so unhappy together. And I dont want to be unhappy so I dont want to date him.

I really dont want him to hate me for sending so many messages. My heart is wounded. It's actually shattered into a million little pieces. But Im not bitter... it will become whole again... and hopefully I'll also find love some day-- someone nice, someone who is not promiscuous, another Arun or even better.

I cant think of being with any other man.

I think I told him too many things today. I dont want him to hate me.

I hope he wakes up happy after seeing sweet dreams.

I think Ill live life without sex. It'll take some getting used to but it'll be for the best. So then I wont need to date anybody. Next time a guy hits on me or asks me out Ill just tell him Im asexual.

I know my heart will feel love again. And I really dont want Arun to hate me.

Im never having sex ever. Ill remain celibate.

It's not honour or anything... i think I'll be perfectly fine. Today I actually took the first step to move on from Arun. Ive offcially and really let him go today.

I wont bind him. Ill let him be.

Life is such a funny thing. Experiences are so myriad in design. And love is so painful. And anger hurts. My heart feels shattered. 

And there is no turning back.

I want to be happy. I dont want to get depressed. And I want Arun to find someone because he cant live without that.

I have my God to talk to.

Life will be kind to me.

I am feeling:

Happy after feeling sad all day

Shattered

So glad Ive got closure from Arun

Thinking that i should take my writing seriously

I have no hope of getting back with Arun again. I dont think he'll show me any mercy

 But God will show me mercy.

It's all about the money. People love you if your career is going well and if you have money. May I be flooded with abundance and everything good in life.

The Arun chapter in my life has permanently shut.

Love,

Me.

1.32 am

Journal 4.56 pm on 4.9.2026 I want Arun to fight with me

Dear Journal,

Im in tears. Im actually seriously attempting to move on from Arun. My heart, my heart, my grief, my grief, you wont believe me when I say this but Ill never forget my avoidant Arun.

My shweet cute avoidant Arun who I fell deeply in love with.

To fall in love is a rare thing. If at all, if by any freak power of my destiny there is another love waiting for me let me cherish it and honour it.

Im in shambles. Im in tears. I think around 5.30 ill just get on with studying. I will never have sex ever... with anybody.

Im officially off the dating bandwagon. Im going to so miss Arun, his smell, his sweet kind eyes, his mischiefs, his jokes, his stories, the dark colour of his skin... my love for him knows no bounds.

Why is God so cruel? Why cant he make someone you love, love you?

Im feeling so hurt. Im actually weeping.

I dont think I want to go to Goa with my family. I think Ill tell them that this time.

Ill never be able to stop loving my shweet cute avoidant Arun.

Dear Journal,  make my life easier than it is. And help me focus on my work dearest Journal. 

Ill never call him up. Ill never message him. If I see him in the middle of the road I wont say Hi.

Actually he hasnt communicated his perspective to me. I know from him point of view he blames me but... but.. his cute shweet dark skin... my love for him... my heart... him cheating, him lying, him hurting me, him never saying sorry... the short relationship.

Im in so much pain right now. I dont want to fall into a depression... ill never be able to love anybody else....

What should I do Journal? Why? Why? Why?

And what should I do?

I want him to fight with me. I want Arun to brutally break my heart so that I can mòve on.

I think Im coming down with a fever.

Love,

Me.

5.12 pm

Journal 2.24 pm on 4.9.2026 I live for myself

Dear Journal,

All my life I thought about making my parents proud. Ma prayed for me to leave journalism. So she was not proud. Pa has told me far too many times that he is disappointed in me. And my heart has been thwarted by Arun. Ive been beaten up by Buro, ive been physically scarred by Ma and Pa has his own archaic views and is not ready for a dialogue.

I dont think I should live for anybody. I should live for myself. I have an extraordinary life ahead of me.

Employ prayer before any other strategy. Base everything on prayer. This is something ive learnt in life.

Also may I always be humble.

I really want to find love. I really want to find likeminded people. I want a sweet boy, sweeter than Arun to want me and to love me.

I dont think I should bother about making people proud.

I have also learnt in life that prayer can lead to miracles.

I live for myself. This is my life. And im at the centre of it.

Im done with being treated harshly. Im done with being trampled over. And yet, yet may I never become bitter. May I become better spreading love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Let me hand out hope to people. May I be the reason people value love and good intentions.

May I be the financial backbone of society, may I be the eyes of society, may I be the pillar of society, may I be the great ship of society.

May I respect myself and others. May I be that change that creates a revolution. MAY I ALWAYS WISH PEOPLE WELL.

May Arun's wife Janak and his children be happy. May they be a happy family and may Arun mend his ways and be a doting husband to Janak. That would make her so happy! 

May I never covet what is another's. May I never eye someone else's man. I really wish Arun, Janak, Baby and Kannu are the happiest family unit.

Today Ive officially let Arun go. I wish him all the happiness in the world.

I am feeling:

Sad

Teary

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

2.39 pm

Journal 12.18 pm on 4.9.2026 when someone shows you who they are believe them

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where I was working at a teacher training place. And it was my day off. I saw Punita Bhakta there.

I was sitting at home and I get a message about a big boy wanting training for Sumo wrestling. His mother tells me that he drinks milk and I explain to my boss that the boy has hormonal problems from drinking milk.

I woke up in the morning close to 10.30 to messages from Arun that he doesnt want to talk to me at all.

That is what I expected from him. He'd rather not talk than say sorry. He with his many other women!

He is either with that Rutuja girl or with his ex before me.

Karma always bites. Since he treats women as expendable he will undergo loneliness. But that's not my lookout. All I have to do is pray for his well-being and not wish him ill.

He never says sorry despite hurting people so deeply! I believe him. He is not polite, he is uncouth.

I really pity his wife. He treats her so badly.

I think my love must be more of an attachment, an attachment to how loving he was when we first started going out.

I will pay him back. And Im done with him. Actually done.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

When someone wants to fly away let them.

DiPan just left. I was telling her how Im feeling. And she said that may be this is protection.

She told me to chant and never miss my Gongyo. We studied a Gosho passage.

And I wonder how Ma is so controlling in her prayers. She really prayed for me to stop talking to Arun. That bugs me.

I hope I find someone to love. I dont want to be so alone. And I dont want to be sad.

Why did Ma pray for me to leave journalism?

I am feeling:

Sad

Bugged withMa

I hope to make the most of today.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace, blessings and mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.35 pm

Letter to God 10.59 pm I dont want to feel so depressed

Dearest God,

Why does something or someone you love so deeply bring pain? It's exactly 11 pm.

I know that Ma is praying wholeheartedly for Arun and me to part.

Arun was supposed to call me up. He hasnt yet. And again I sent him a swarm of messages.

Ill never stop loving him. And I dont want to feel so depressed and gloomy because of it.

Why did he reject my heart God? And why does he repeatedly do that? Why does he say such harsh things? And what does he mean by: Youve started it again?

I miss our intimacy. And I dont know if Ill have sex again.

He says he doesnt want to meet me. He says he will never watch a movie with me. He says it's over never to be redeemed again.

Im so depressed and so gloomy God. I really want Arun in my life. I love him truly. It's real love.

He doesnt want a relationship with me. And I really want to die.

Why do people cheat on their partners?

And I really dont want to fight with Arun but he hurts me and brings me immense pain

 And that is unbearable.

Dearest God, could you please sort out mylife and make me the richest?

Give me deep love. Give me loyalty and stop guys like PaPa and DeJh from running behind me.

Resurrect my career God.

You are the highest virtues and make me as virtuous as you. Let me breed good karma and please make Arun call me. 

I know he has said disgraceful things about me to his friends. I know hes found somebody.

He says he doesnt want me! Then why did he make me fall in love with him? Its exactly 11.11.

God reduce my karmic retribution and give me love, please. Hold my hand dearest God and let me respect whosoever comes in front of me.

And yes God! Give Arun his Oscars. Realise all his dreams. Give him good health and untold happiness and make him wealthy. Be kind to him God and for me, let him realise the depth of my love for him.

Give my mother good health and a long life. Let me fulfil all my responsibilities toward her and help me support my family financially. Help me ease her pain and let me bring her infinite happiness.

Give my father infinite money and good health and a healthy happy life with good luck and good fortune.

Let my brother be happy healthy and let him live a long life with good luck and good fortune. Give my brother infinite money.

Let the world become wiser and wipe off poverty and stress from the world. Put an end to all the wars and all the hatred.

Please make Arun call me up. And let me not chew his brains. Let me bring him good moods and happiness.

Dear God, give me infinite wealth and health, love, happiness, safety, security, riches. Let my career shine.

Let me polish my life to brightness.

And give me good friends, not friends who take advantage of me.

Make all my friends super wealthy.

And tonight dearest God let me see good dreams that I remember when I wake up. Bring me good fortune at the workplace. 

Bless the world dearest God! Shower your blessings and Grace on Ma, pa, buro, sadhya and Arun.

Also bless me oh dearest of dearest God!

Help me live a righteous virtuous life honouring you. And let me be the chosen one.

Let me bring happiness and cheer to all the people in my life. And let me shine for all your glory. 

Bestow your great powerful light on me and my loved ones.

And let Arun be most happy.

Love, 

Me.

11.30 pm

Journal 6.47 pm on 3.9.2026 Just let go

Dear Journal, 

The prouder you are of your looks, money and status the meaner and the more horrible you will be toward the people in your life.

The things that you are most proud of will lead to your greatest downfall.

And even the greatest of lives faces downfalls and failure because we are taught as children that we have certain qualities and certain things to be proud of.

So may I always breed humility, compassion, courage, goodwill, joy and wisdom in my being. May I not dwell where I'm not wanted (apropos Arun).

And may I nurture and love all. May I be the most loving humanbeing ever. Because as life has taught me love is the only antidote, only miracle. 

Today I woke up around 12.30 that too when Tanya called. I missed meeting DiPan in the morning and I just got back after meeting her.

I poured my heart out to her about the problems I'm facing with Ma at home.

If I had not undergone the financial adversities of the last three years, I would have never understood the pains of poverty.

May I never discriminate. May I never look down upon people.

May I be most understanding.

May I be the financial backbone of society.  May I be the eyes of society. May I be the great pillar of society. May I be the great ship of society. And may I be giving and generous in every way. May I value time and money and effort.

It's exactly 7 pm. PaPa has been calling me. He wants to meet. I dont want to date him. Ive rejected him so many times. Will he please stop chasing now?

I am in no hurry to find someone to date. And I definitely dont want to date the wrong person. I wont be with just any guy. And I'll never watch porn. May I also give up smoking and never veer near a cigarette! And may I honour genuine people.

It's exactly 7.07 pm.

I think it's really time to let Arun go. Ive kept in touch with him for far too long after we broke up. He doesnt want me in his life. So enough!

He is always so rude. The last time I spoke to him,  he said: Youve started this again. That's an awfully dismissive thing to say.

But he did teach me all the lessons I needed to learn around love. I shouldnt stay where I'm not wanted. Ive overstayed my time.

May he realise that aggression doesnt get you what you desire and it definitely doesnt earn you any respect... that's the force of brutes.

And money and status and looks and clothes dont make personalities. What creates a personality is your heart and your values.

Dipika told me that since Ma doesn't want to engage in dialogue I should just base everything in my prayer.

These days I believe in God with all my heart and soul-- the highest virtuousness. May God make my life, may God direct me.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Focused

Wiser than yesterday

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.19 pm