Dear Journal,
I woke up in the morning around 10.30 from a dream about Arun that I dont remember.
Then DiPan came home and I had a wonderful activity with her.
I bought chocolate eclairs from a bakery in 4 Bungalows to have after lunch. Ma enjoyed it thoroughly but she is getting a massive stomachache now.
We went and took our swine flu vaccines (it's exactly 8) for our Goa trip.
The doctor was asking me about Good News Paper. Apparently Id told him about it on our last visit. That was years ago.
I spent a major part of the day chatting with Sebanti on Astro Talk. I felt like I was talking to a mature friend.
I spoke to her about my career and Arun and blew a lot of money in turn.
She told me that my bond with Arun is deep. It's a soulmate connection... like a twin flame connection. Towards the end of it I started opening up to her.
She said that according to my chart the person I end up with will fuel my ambitions, not shrink me. She said it seems that Arun loved me with a lot of conditions whereas I seem to love him unconditionally, making myself very small in turn.
She also said that because he hasnt had a fulfilling marriage his emotional energy is scattered across many women.
I told her how I had borrowed money from him. And she said that that is what led to the breakup even though Arun doesnt say that. But she said I was vulnerable and I have such a huge heart that Im opening up to her about it. I dont quite see it that way.
She said that while there is a future with Arun I will get married to someone who will be excited about my ambitions and love for words. Someone who will see potential in me. She said that career success and love will come together.
About my career... I told her how for the past three years Ive been finding it so difficult to land gigs as a writer editor. She asked me to do Tarot consultancy and writing both saying that my chart shows that Ill have multiple income streams.
I told her about my 12-year stint in the newsroom and how my mother wanted me to leave it. And she said Dont underestimate your worth. You spent 12 years building a career on your own, with no support and with your mother being against it. That's not a small thing.
She also said something very important. She said that while I love Arun deeply my ambitions are stronger than my love for him.
She didnt nullify his presence in my life. But she said I shouldnt become smaller for him. I should see my worth.
Then I told her about how he accepted me with my mental health issues and she said that that is the bare minimum expected of him. It's so important to have a girl to talk to.
Even Twi and Lee tell me I should get over him.
Anyhow....
1. Something I accomplished.
I encouraged DiPan and got clarity from Sebanti. I must write my book. Arun doesnt want to be mentioned in my book. May be Ill give him a pseudonym. I would have never told him to not mention me if he was writing a book, which he wants to.
2. Something I handled well.
I wish I hadnt ranted to Pa. Pa told me -- Dont think about other people. Think about yourself. There is such a thing as karma.
3. Something I appreciated.
Food. My parents. I love my mom. And my dad. And Arun. And Buo Bascha. Sebanti said I have a huge heart after talking to me all day long about Arun.
4. Something I did for my future self.
Discussed my career and love life online.
5. Something I learnt about myself.
I come across as largehearted to outsiders.
Oh! And I also bumped into Kailash Kher who stopped to chat with me, saying he's seeing me after such a long time. He told me to give up smoking. I like Kailash Kher.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life.
Love,
Me.
8.34 pm
Ps: And despite this AT astrologer's viewpoint, I do love Arun. I cant just stop loving him. His sacrifices, his maturity, his mind, his heart... I really love him but may be it's time to focus on my career and money. Arun is a seminal part of my life-- a huge blessing and I cant see it any other way.
Ive loved him against all odds.
And Im happy I asked him for clarity... whether he responds or not... at least he knows what's on my mind.
Why does he spend dozens of hours offline? Whats keeping him busy?
He is sho sho sho cute and Im feeling good after talking to a complete stranger about him.
Ive missed him a lot.
Anyhow I need to focus on my career. I think I should get my Astro Talk job back. I asked this astrologer many times if she is making good money but she kept deflecting, saying I should work as a Tarot reader.
Goa will be a turning point in my life. Hopefully we will have a great trip.
I love my parent! I love Arun! I love Chotto! I love Sadhya!
Love,
Me.
9 pm
