A letter to my future self (4 years from now)

Dearest Doel of 2030,

How are you? You've arrived! And how!

Do you remember the fears and the heartaches of today 14.6.2026?

You must still be in touch with Arun!

And possibly there have been many attractions!

And possibly the pains of 14.6.2026 are not really there on 14.6.2030.

Many opportunities have come and you have held your own.

You must be sweeter, kinder, more courageous by now!

Today you start a job teaching English. You've got four casting calls in the past one month. Even though hope seems the only thing you are clinging on to there is so much to be grateful for.

Your parents are there. Your friends are there. There is food. There is money. There is love. There are clothes. And books. And resources. And the novel you are writing.

And then there is Arun.

How is all that today? I reckon everything is far sweeter and smoother by now.

Don't be lazy. Don't ever be lazy. And always remember how small you are in the realm of the whole universe. One whole universe by yourself but so miniscule in front of the gigantic wonderment of it all!

Love,

Me.

14.6 2026

Journal 14.6.2026 4.55 pm people are upset

Dear Journal,

Last night I spent time talking to Twi. I even arranged my cupboard to music. The evenings get quite cool even though there is no sign of the monsoons. At night I meditated. That is why may be I fell asleep easily.

I woke up at 7.51 today. I had my lemon juice, chanted, meditated, did yoga. It's discipline I'm cultivating.

I had sabu dana Khichdi for breakfast. Nobody quite makes sabu dana khichdi the way they made it in JNS.

I've had 6 cigarettes so far. I spoke to Shou who was upset with me and A Alam who was also upset but slightly more positive and genial.

I spent time researching topics. My mind drifted to Arun. I did quite love him deeply. May be I still do. But his wife and his many other women and his comparisons were too much. All these memories came flooding back because of some Gallery memories on my phone.

I read Daisaku Ikeda who really uplifts my spirits. Never lose courage. Always harbour hope. Be grateful. These are all newage mantras that take one a long way.

Buro and Sadhya came home. They got kulfi along with them. The kulfi was truly yum.

I got a call from a casting director for a series. This is just one call of many.

Plus tomorrow I start working.

No one quite knows what the future brings with it. I must abandon complaining and the megalomania that hits me sometimes that must be discarded.

I even spent some time listening to music-- all the songs I heard with Arun. I wonder how he is.

Now I'll chant and work on my novel.

I am feeling:

A cool breeze

Happy

Stable

Slightly sticky from sweat

A soft feeling of love in my heart

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for Arun, Ma, Pa, Buo, Sadhya and all the lovely friendships I have in life.

I am grateful for work and money.

I am grateful for food, shelter, clothes and everything that makes my life wonderful.

I am grateful that I got a call from Sunny the casting director. It shows somewhere someone has spotted me. Before time something should click.

I am grateful for fruits.

I am grateful for the kulfi I just had.

Love,

Me.

5.13 pm

Journal 13.6.2026 5.05 pm How is A?

Dear Journal,

I tossed and turned myself into sleep for about 3 hours. I finally fell asleep around 2 am. I woke up at 7.51 am.

I felt empty, kind of conflicted.

I drank my lemon juice, chanted, meditated, did some yoga and because I was feeling so caught up with a wave of drowsiness I smoked two cigarettes back to back. 

I've had 7 cigarettes so far.

Rati invited me to a premier of his movie but I can't go. So I wished him luck.

Then I ate noodles with a fried egg for breakfast. I wanted to read the news but I dosed off for about 30 minutes, waking up with a start.

My heart has kind of detached from Arun but my mind has not. He was on my mind all through the day.

I bought myself two dresses on sale. I'm a little cash-strapped but I haven't shopped in a while and temptation gave way.

Then I settled to research on things I could talk about in class. 

For lunch we had dal, jhinge posto and fish curry with rice and a mango. During lunch Ma urged me to save money when I earn. The savings target she set was an unbelievable percentage of my income. I think I'll save a smaller percentage. By September I should be able to pay Arun back all his money.

I watched something on how trees communicate and whales. I am enthralled by the wonders of Nature. I watched some other content-- I took back something from each video.

I will read Daisaku Ikeda, chant and write my novel now. I hope to catch Twi downstairs. She is nice to talk to.

I bumped into Kanchan aunty and she was worried about Ma's health. Ma has an upset stomach today.

It's been a good day. Complaint erases good fortune. Gratitude increases good fortune.

I am feeling:

A sort of heartache but a placid content feeling

Happy

A softened sense of love

Excited

Awake

Alert

Fresh

I am wearing my beige floral shirt with orange shorts. I will contribute to household expenses with my income. I don't really need to shop that much!

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for YouTube, Ted Talks, the internet, the wifi, my laptop and my phone. 

I hope Arun is doing well. I am grateful for loving harmonious relationships.

I am grateful for clothes. I should really buy longer dresses.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money.

I'm treating this job as an apprenticeship-- a learning and training ground and I'm grateful for all the experiences of my life.

Love,

Me.

5.26 pm

Journal 5.40 pm ist on 12.6.2026 I got the job

Dearest Journal,

Last night I spent some time with Twi. Even Sadhya and Buro came home. Sadhya complained about Buro but it's nothing serious. Buro came in looking tired and seriously tanned.

I went to sleep around 1 am. I woke up at 7.41 feeling a tad groggy. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine, stepped out to get some sun and did some light stretches. Ma was busy with Saurabh Bothra.

I had 4 cutlets for breakfast, had a bath and wore my AND orange shirt and brown trousers. I then sat with the news. Then I left for the interview.

The man I met was affable but worried. He said his business is down in the dumps. He then told me that I'm overqualified for the job. However, he offered me the job. The pay is peanuts but he said he'll double my salary if I do well and plus there are incentives. It's 6 pm now.

This is something I want to do. I'm best positioned when I can inspire the person in front of me. The place of my work is my Buddha land where I shìne brightest. I think this is a good opportunity. I start Monday.

I came home and researched about the things I could talk about. I went through some Ted Talks.

I had lau, dal, keema with rice and a mango for lunch. Duma has made me some sheera.

I watched more talks after lunch. Ma shouted at me over coffee consumption.

I think I need to change my heart towards my mother. Kind of perceive her differently, like a whole woman. She is strong but she has a tendency to be too aggressive. But she is loveable. Like when she dances these days to videos as exercise. She is a happy person.

The song Lilabali was stuck in my head all day long. I've had 6 cigarettes so far.

I think when the speech is pure the voice is golden, when the actions are pure and well-intentioned the body glows and when the mind is well-balanced, grateful, appreciative and happy there is strength.

I've stopped overthinking. Somehow writing about my feelings and thoughts in this journal has caused me to step back and observe my feelings and thoughts with awareness. So I think. Mostly over the stick. But I'm not ruminating so much these days.

I read a little Daisaku Ikeda too.

Now I'll chant and then work on my novel.

I just hope I have good energy for the work I'm meant to do and that my health supports me. The salary will also allow me to pay Arun back.

I am feeling:

Happy

Balanced

Centred

Slightly sticky

I find the breeze from the fan heavenly

Sweet

Focused

Determined

I am grateful that I've found work as a soft skills trainer. I think I will be able to perform really well at this job.

I am grateful for graceful loving relationships. 

I am grateful for food, shelter and money and work. They sustain me.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for my clothes, my footwear, my family, my home, my bed, my laptop, the internet and wifi.

I am grateful that I'm healthy.

I am grateful for society.

Love,

Me.

6.23 pm

Becoming

I sat and counted all my pennies 

And bought myself a chicken fry

And even though im losing attachment

I still love you so I could cry.

The other day I sat and wondered

How unbecoming I became

And now im paving the path

To many victories come storm or gale.

There is love on the horizon

And a plush preaching job

And with the whose who

I banter looking veritably tiptop.

I am the greatest of the greatest

The highest of the highs

And soon you enter my life 

So sweetly i could cry.

Now ive become stoic and clear

So pretty that I only see and hear

With a clear mind, a brand new gate

What is becoming now? Is this my fate?

Journal 6.23 pm on 11.6.2026 so much to be grateful for

Dear Journal,

It's Sonam's birthday today. I wished her. It's been so long. I just got off after massaging Ma's back. She has some tension in the hip area. She really enjoyed the massage. That makes me feel so good!

I went to sleep at 2 am last night. This late sleep cycle cannot continue. I woke up at 7 feeling foggy and groggy. I did my morning chanting and meditation and went out for a short walk. Then I came home and did a few yogasanas.

I'm wearing a short white dress with courduroy pants. I had upma for breakfast. I don't particularly like upma but this was yum.

I oil pulled and went in for a soothing bath. I oiled my hair. 

Then I consumed the news a bit. Then I settled down to send a few emails. Last night I sent Arun a message that I deleted in the morning. I wonder how he is? 

I got an interview call today. I hope for the best!

I had shaag, chokha, cauliflower, and fish curry with rice for lunch. I polished it off with a mango. It was truly yum.

Having a few tasks to do each day makes the day more manageable. I settled down to watch Ted Talks.

Oh yes! Ma completely lost it in the morning again. And I reacted badly reducing me to tears. I think Ma probably has stresses on her mind. Probably related to me. That is why she flushes out her frustrations on me. I should really appreciate her more and not get into a negative loop everytime there is an altercation.

I'll sit and write my novel now and read Daisaku Ikeda. I saw some very interesting Ted Talks-- on neuroplasticity, on designing your life, on creating luck, on appreciation. Once in a while Ted Talks is really good.

I really want to surmount obsessive thoughts. I think a big part of my breakup with Arun was that I got obsessed with him. It derailed my entire life.

Now Novel. Then reading.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt but loving

Breathing cleanly

Reasonably tanned and pretty

Happy

I am so grateful for the interview call I got today.

I am grateful that I got the chance to massage Ma's back. I love bonding with my loved ones.

I am grateful for Ted Talks. I learn so much from them.

I am grateful that I know some day I can call Arun up. That we are not not on talking terms like that.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I each day; for shelter; for money and work. I am grateful for the many ways Modelley and Duma serve us making our lives easier.

Melon and Kitoo are here. Im grateful for their innocent presence.

I am grateful for the web. It's made life so much easier.

I am grateful for beautiful relationships.

I am grateful for my depth and my sensitivity and my heart and my beautiful soul.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for my good health. 

I am grateful that I can increasingly easily follow my thoughts and feelings pass.

I am grateful for the flow with which I am writing my novel. It's just the first draft.

I am grateful for all the experiences of my life.

I am grateful for all the people who have graced my life and for the ones who are about to enter.

I am grateful for God's infinite, love, grace and blessings on my life.

There is so much beauty in my life!

Love,

Me.

Love letter to myself 8.20 am on 11.6.2026 you are forming self belief

Dear self, dear love,

Just hold on with grit, with courage, with compassion! The best is yet to come. You don't see it right away but many paths are opening up before you as many doors have shut. So hold on I say to embrace a bright beautiful dawn in your life!

Embrace courage, embrace success, embrace victory!

You know I love you from the core of my being. There is none like you, not a soul. Your unique mix of love, kindness, self awareness are rare!

Don't be scared of the responsibility that comes with success. Today is a bright new day so embrace it I say; live it out to the fullest in all grandiosity, in all good fortune!

Sometimes it takes a while before things can work out. So be patient. That is what life is asking of you.

I know you feel shame over your mental health issues. I know sometimes you feel crippled by the guilt but I'm here to hold your hand, to guide you through another day. Just put your hand in mine and let's embark on this wonderful journey of life.

Your family loves you. I know you feel sad over Arun. Well may be he didn't have the capacity to hold your love. You've come a long way since then.

Your novel is turning out better than expected.

Your work will also build up smoothly.

You are a guide for those who need light, succour for those who need love and beautiful things will happen to you in life.

Life is good believe me.

Pour in extra gratitude for all your good fortune! Be grateful that you have a family to support you. Be grateful that you have people to talk to.

I understand it's been pretty difficult. 

The next time you get into a romantic entanglement protect your heart, protect your self interests.

Talking of interests you are the most interesting person I know-- you write poetry, you write, you paint, you do Tarot, you've been an actress. In other words you are forming. Not judgments but self belief. Anyone who has received your giant heart is lucky! It's just that you don't see it that way.

Career breakthroughs are enroute, love is on its way, self-healing is happening with awareness and the love of life.

Embrace this day fully! It's a beautiful day!

And what's not to love about you-- you are sweet, intelligent, kind, vicacious, funny and diligent. Be happy I say-- not just today, but in each moment.

Love,

Me.

8.42 am