Journal 11.49 pm on 21.8.2026 sexual urge

Dear Journal, 

The sexual urge is a human need and for the first time I'm so alone that I notice it. It's distracting,  it's overbearing and overwhelming. And the only person I think about when I feel sexual is Arun.

I called him today. He said he was sleeping. He doesn't check his messages for dozens of hours altogether.

And may be he doesn't feel so exclusively about me because he doesn't call, doesnt message, doesnt reply to messages.

There has to be a good logical conclusion to my urge. I am not going to masturbate.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

Love,

Me.

11.54 pm

Journal 7.05 pm on 21.8.2026 DeJh has stopped messaging/calling

Dear Journal,

The whole day has whooshed by and Arun is on my mind. He doesnt call me up, he doesnt message back. How do I move on?

If I stop messaging or calling him I'll experience a lot of pain. He didnt wish me on my birthday this year. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that he went out with another girl on his 2024 birthday and lied to me.

I'll never forget how he broke and shattered my heart to pieces many many times.

I'll never forget how he doesn't message or call and just ignores me.

Why am I feeling such a surge of love for him? What has shifted? What has changed?

On the other hand I told DeJh the last time we spoke that he makes me really uncomfortable with his affections. And he has stopped calling and messaging. And I'm so relieved. Phew!

There is this other guy who I read Tarot cards for once who keeps calling and messaging asking to meet. I think he's a cop or something if I'm not mistaken. His attention is not welcome too.

Should I make the painful attempt to get over Arun? He is sure making that attempt!

Should I not call him or message him.

What should I do?

I am feeling:

So deeply in love with Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.16 pm

I want you

Last night I slept very deep

And dreamt many dreams in my sleep,

I woke up nearly blind 

With white light piercing my eyes.

I dont remember the images 

But I know your montages

Were part of the show.

I miss you, I love you--

That you must surely know.

With one foot crippled I walk around

Wondering if you'll have me

Even when I'm not wholly sound.

It's been a while since I've smelled your sweat

And just the thought of you

Flushes me all red.

It's been a while since I've tasted your tongue

So please have me

Because yet now I am young.

I miss looking into your eyes,

I miss your chatter but for one lie.

I love you devotedly,  loyally,

I want us back.

Please choose me

Over all those racks!

Journal 12.55 pm on 21.8.2026 embarrassed

Dear Journal,

If Arun were to read my letter I'd be highly embarrassed. Because he has shown just no signs of interest. In fact he has been rude. He doesnt call, he doesnt reply to my messages. And he is hankering around with his many women.

I'm feeling a strange kind of aloneness these days. Someone should fill that void.

Today I will study. Today I will chant. Today I'll smoke lesser.

I am feeling:

Placid

Happy

Heart hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Whatever you seek from life life gives you.

Remembering my trip to Fatehpur Sikri. 

Love,

Me.

1.00 pm

Journal 11.01 am on 21.8.2026 I dont remember my dream

Dear Journal,

There is a heaviness in my heart. Yesterday I was feeling oh so light and oh so in love with Arun. I miss him.

I dont remember my dream from the morning. I wish I did.

I havent chanted properly in 2 days.

Im writing this in the garden on my yoga mat. Now I'll chant.

I'm feeling the pangs of loneliness. Arun doesn't reply to my messages. Why does he do that?

The birds they are a trilling about me. And it's a glorious day.

I am feeling:

Heart heavy and hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.06 am

Letter to Arun 7.02 pm on 20.8.2026

Dearest cutest shweetest most precious Arun,

I am writing this letter that you will never read. But I have to write it to process my own feelings for you.

I think I've fallen head over heels in love with you all over again.

It's been a while since I've seen your oh so mishti face. I don't know how or why my feelings got so much the deeper.

I believe emotions are energy and you can sense shifts in energy. Has anything shifted for you in the past few months?

I had a few dreams with you in it and believe me I've never felt more in love with you. The love song I wrote for you keeps playing in my head. Do you ever listen to it?

Btw I'm sure you saw my videos on Facebook. I've shot quite a lot of them just for timepass. My friends asked me to take them down but I didn't. It's a sign that I did this. And I don't want to hide anything from you.

I love you. I don't want to discuss other men with you. But let's just say every man I meet at some point doles out the affections and I don't want that from any man but you.

What makes you so special, so unique, sometimes I wonder. And my mind goes to the fun fellatio behind my dad's car when we first started going out. But it's not just that, you know sweety. I'd do that for you anyday, anytime over any other guy.

I don't want any other man. I want you. And I'm prepared to risk loneliness which is something I'm already doing.

Btw when I was telling you about my student Tarini, you said may be she is seeking attention and I should let a professional take over and do the work.

But shona emotional issues should not just be directed to a professional. I really feel that way. As her teacher I'm concerned and it's my responsibility to create a safe emotional space for her and many like her.

I love children. But I haven't had any of my own. I believe that the greatest impact you can create on a person is during their childhood. Frankly, it's a privilege to teach my students. What do you think about that? And what do you think about me these days?

Does me being affectionate annoy you? Because you are quite the wuss of tantrums when you are bugged :).

I want to meet you. But I'm not going to suggest it because the last time we met you were quite rude through the evening and you called me a rebound. And that really hurt me.

Are you seeing someone? Please don't Arun. Choose me over other girls, please. Because no one will love you so uniquely, in such Doel style but me.

I feel like writing and singing a few more songs for you but I don't want to be clingy or want you to feel uncomfortable. Because I don't know what you think about me these days.

Please dont tell me you've given up on me. I don't know where I stand in your life these days. Do let me know.

I love you. I love you maximum.

I might just write a few songs without sending them to you.

The love feels different this time. It feels like regular Doel loves regular Arun, a common man, and is prepared to face any odds to keep him in her life.

I love all of you, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the ugly and the beautiful-- my shonapie! Muwaaaah! Chumma!

Love,

Doel.

No tiff more beautiful

I'm sitting perched upon a cliff

And to you that don't make no diff;

I give you a pleasant fortune call

And you are sweet as heaven having a ball.

The forests are just a leap away

With magical creatures outside the snare

And I am slightly scared, slightly worried

At the peace they bring me unhurried.

And much sooner I make it to the ground

In this earthly place in Matheran

And there out of all dangers earlier met

I find you waiting for me with sorbet. 

And truly we could go to the park called Corbett

And sneak in love after a lover's tiff.