A letter to myself 1 am on 20.10.2026 Ill never give up on you

Dear Soul, my Soul, my nourisher, my Giver, my Heart,

Firstly, only I can fathom what youve been through. From domestic violence to sexual violence and now this loneliness you've been through a lot. Your mother and your brother get angry and it seems like your mother is rather mean.

She doesnt want you to give laddoos to your friends Leena and Twi, she keeps lying to you and is so darned aggressive. She is a handful.

Also I feel that youve grown quite diffident as time has gone by. You feel that you are rather small and insignificant; sometimes you feel shattered and abandoned.

Can you please put in 20 minutes each day to your future self? Just 20... not more and definitely not less.

Im so sorry that in the past few years Ive abandoned you. Someone wonderful will come along... I can feel it. You are worthy of life's choicest gifts.

What do you need my soul?

A solo vacation? Youve got it.

I know you feel terrible with the pangs of anxiety and longing that you feel. Someone wonderful is just around the corner.

I forgive you for each time youve acted out, for each time youve been abandoned; all the shame and guilt will dissolve with time.

Everytime you feel bad, create, create wonderful things, meaningful things.

You deserve life's greatest accolades and they are all coming close.

I know youre tired of carrying loneliness and grief, grief from being neglected. But everybody tries their best. But if someone keeps exhibiting some negative behaviour know that they know no other way. If they did, they would not keep belittling you.

Youve been waiting for true love all your life and happiness and success. It's nigh!

Just 25 minutes. Put in just 25 minutes to your goals each day. With AI one needs no more time.

Enjoy your life and start making all sorts of investments towards your future.

Love,

Me.

1.15 am.

Aletter to my anger 12.36 am on 20.10.2026

Dear Anger,

Why do you visit me so often when I'm around Ma?

I think you visit me so often with Ma because she has hurt me a lot emotionally and physically growing up. She also lies a lot. She raises her voice and shouts and screams.

What is it that hurts me so deeply when she speaks harshly to me?

Her disrespect of me. Her dismissing me.

What are you trying to protect me from?

I think you are protecting me from becoming small and shattered. 

What do you wish I would say or do when you arise?

I think I should journal when you arise.

What would help you feel heard without having to shout?

Writing.

And if you could tell me one thing about myself that I've been reluctant to acknowledge, what would it be?

That I am strong but diffident and I should get over my smallness.

What I want you to know is that I am listening to you. I don't want to suppress you, but I don't want you to exhaust me either. Help me stand up for myself without losing my peace.

With love,

Me.

Alone

I feel such a heaving of my heart,

So quietly lonely and so busily forlorn

That I watch all about me crash and burn

While I converse with you on a dome.

I plan the future which I cant see,

I bring out from me what is me

And I adorn the canvas of my life

With different shades and moods and dyes.

I know not what will befall me

But I crave a person I can own

So that Im never again once lost

While sifting through my tome.

So many things I want to write,

So many words I want to speak

And I want to hold your hand upon my chest 

Till I reach Holy Eagle Peak.

We tiffed a lot once upon a time

Ever since I learnt to rhyme;

I hold you constantly in my bosom

As your words soon may wizen.

There is a little food for everyone

But when will abundance we call home?

Infinite riches, infinite love true

Even while we drink nectars like som.

Journal 11.26 pm on 19.10.2026 Ive had a rough day

Dear Journal,

I had a pretty rough day.

I woke up in the morning where I saw myself looking like PZore. I felt alone in my dream. And that is how Im feeling now.

I started prepping for Madhavs class on Pa's laptop 20 minutes before the class eas set to start. Yet Pa's laptop and my phone didnt support me through the class. I apologised to Madhav and rounded up the class.

Then I got ready to go to Kandivali.

Somehow I pulled through. I dont think the students are completely satisfied with me. And that hurt me a lot.

Right from the 3 pm class I felt high-strung and anxious.

I carried this feeling back home. As we were in the car I tried explaining what Im going through to Ma and Pa but they were silent. I even spent some time with Twi.

Ma suggested in the car that we go to a restaurant instead of going to Kallol. So we went there. We waited for about half an hour for a table. I had a puchka.

When we got the table both Ma and Pa announced that they wont be eating anything. So we got out of the resteaurant. In the car Ma kept fighting with me. So I got out of the car, took a rickshaw and came home.

I really dont feel like going to Goa with Ma picking a fight with me for every small thing.

I feel so lonely and so alone just the way I saw in my dream. I wish I had somebody to talk to, someone to call my own.

1. Something I accomplished.

Class! Family politics... due to feeling anxious for the most part of the evening I dont think I performed very well.

2. Something I handled well.

Class! I want my laptop back soon.

3. Something I appreciated.

My students. Metamorph. My family.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Nothing.

I am feeling:

Very slightly anxious at the moment.

A little angsty. 

Solemn.

Loving.

Missing Arun.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.39 pm

Journal 10.05 pm on 18.10.2026 it's a lazy day

Dear Journal,

I woke up today close to 11. Then I had soup and juices and got ready to go out with my family. I wore my pink chanderi kurta set.

We went to Pragati, offered pushpanjali and ate bhog. Sadhya joined us in a red and grey saree.

Then me and Sadhya went home separately and Ma went to a pandal and sat there for two hours and Pa came home in between.

I was generally lazing around. I chanted.

Bapi kaku came home with his family.

They left a little before 9. Pa said he is in no mood to go out. So I asked Ma whether she would like to go. Finally, we decided to stay in for the evening.

I went down and spent some time with Twi.  I was telling her about Josie Grouse's writing and work.

Im still to acquaint myself with the likes of Grouse... there is Sweet Soul, there is Renaissance, then there is Grouse ...

Arun has gone to Bangalore for a week.

I did a little pranayam with Pa. Then I asked him why he doesnt find me a groom. And dad said that ever since I was young Ive had boyfriends and he assumed I would find someone on my own.

I have a feeling that Arun is vacationing in Bangalore... may be with his ex Candy.

I really want to find someone nice, someone to love, someone sweet who is devoted to me.

And I want to earn giant houses filled with money.

Bapi kaku's daughter is studying in IIT.

Pa says that he is feeling a little under the weather. He gave me two huge plops of kisses on my cheeks.

Tomorrow is packed with classes for me.

I'll eat dinner and fall asleep.

1. Something I accomplished.

I spent good time with my family and friends. I only wrote my journal today.

2. Something I handled well.

Family dynamics.

3. Something I appreciated.

The food, the love, the pujo, the family and friends, the home, the Bapi kaku and his family....

4. Something I did for my future self.

Spent time polishing my relationships.

I am feeling:

Irritable

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10 22 pm

Journal 7.23 pm on 17.10 2026 A special day

Dear Journal,

Early in the night I saw a brown bald man (who looked quite like SimBha) in my dream. And I thought about him-- He is Jain. He doesnt eat garlic and onions that is why he doesnt get angry and has a cool inner temperament.

Then a little before waking up I saw in my dream that I was inside an airconditioned Best bus and I wondered how I could break a window in the bus from inside. I think that I can do it with the pyke of an umbrella and I imagine breaking the window that way in my dream. Then in the next scene in my dream the window is broken cleanly with no shards remaining. Wooh... what does all this mean?

I woke up rather late. Then we went to the BonBon pujo. I wore a silk salwar kurta. The onjoli was elaborate. And I also volunteered to serve Bhog. I served two rounds and then I ate.

I had the opportunity to serve my parents, Buro, ShibBag, and Ashish's parents. People kept asking for this and that. It was so much fun serving bhog. ShibBag also gave me a huge kiss when she saw me.

Then someone stole Ma's sandals from the pandal. So she barefeet sat in the car. I checked my phone and saw a missed call from Arun. He had promised to call me on video so that I could see him. So I immediately called him. And he told me that his flight was about to take off. I missed talking to him because I spent over an hour serving bhog. And that's an Alas moment!

I sent him a message that he could call me when he lands but he didnt. Hmmm.

Now in some time I'll have to get ready. I wonder where we will go tonight.

Madhav's mom messaged last night saying we will have class directly on Monday.

I came home from the pandal and I made two cups of tea for Ma and me.

I just finished my evening Gongyo Daimoku.

This is how Pujo should be!

I am feeling:

Stable

Joyous

Pretty

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

1. Something I accomplished.

I served Bhog! I have stopped watching porn (I never did that a lot) and Im feeling so good. I spent time with my family. I prayed. I meditated.

2. Something I handled well.

I served bhog! I handled Buro's irritable bout with silence.

3. Something I appreciated.

The opportunity to serve bhog. It really made me feel good.

4. Something I did for my future self.

I prayed.  Now I'll write a poem.

Love,

Me 

7.42 pm

Ps: We went to the Progoti and Manish Nagar pujos. Sadhya and Chotto also joined us there. I had a huge fight with Ma who lies a lot. So im not going to Goa....

Journal 9.30 pm on 16.10 2026 The pujos are upon us!

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream in the morning; I saw Nagesh in my dream. He was looking somewhat young and Arun was there in my dream and they were discussing me. Off late Ive seen a few dreams where Arun is talking to my friends. I wonder what that means.

I was late to wake up in the morning. Madhav cancelled his class today and he still hasnt told me when he wants his lecture.

I felt the pressure and weight of yesterday in the morning. Then I grabbed a quick lunch and set off to Metamorph. I spent about half an hour there discussing Monday's lesson plan with Tanya.

They are all a jolly bunch.

If anything this job has taught me, it is the importance of discipline and the importance of making children love discipline.

That is something my mother didnt expect out of us. During our childhood Buro and I were allowed to play as much as we liked with no consequences.

Ma was the last person to check whether Id done my homework. Those days Ma had a tough time with Buro because he was so sharaarthi. Very very naughty. Nowadays she is worried about me.

Then I came home and did my morning and evening Gongyo. I did a little yoga too. Then I set off to meet SeeDhi. SeeDhi has not been in a very good mood ever since I remember. 

Then I came home and went down to meet Twi. I spent some time with her. 

And now Im home like a good girl, waiting for cutlets to turn golden so that I can eat my dinner.

Ma has gone to Ramkrishna Mission. Pa and I are at home. Melon and Kittoo are here too.

I hope my fortunes turn and I am beset with infinite bouts of luck!

I hope Arun is fine.

Sunday is family day with Sadhya and Buro.

I applied a little make up today after a long time.

SeeDhi is really into appearances. I have always wanted to, ever since I can remember sought to understand the mind and behaviour.

Another thing-- I have so many deja vu reves at Metamorph from dreams a long long time ago. Life and love are so mystical and mysterious actually. Karma is such a mysterious thing. At each moment we are not only creating a cause but also experiencing something and moments pass and before you know it, you are old!

I really want Ma to have a wonderful time today.

1. Something I accomplished.

I prayed. I did yoga. I went to Metamorph and worked. I wrote a poem. And I also thought a lot about quitting smoking. Just one day cigarette free... i spent good time with Twi.

2. Something I handled well.

I handled the day well. I also handled my emotions well. Im not ignoring the fact that thus far Ive struggled at Metamorph but I am hopeful. I also gave Ma a lot of thought today. She is a strict strict woman. Most teachers are.

3. Something I appreciated. 

Professionalism at Metamorph. Twi's friendship. And also the fact that I have money to spoil Pa with mishti doi. I appreciated life today and love and wonder.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Chanting. Yoga. Poetry writing. And this Journal writing.

I am feeling:

Listless.

My brow is lined.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.51 pm