Journal 8 pm on 5.8.2026 I love myself

Dear Journal,

A few years ago I had contacted a suicide prevention helpline because I was feeling depressed. This was about 4 years ago.

The consulting psychologist on the other end asked me to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10. I said 8 to 8.5.

He said that that's great! That means I have good self esteem.

I went and asked this question to Ma and Pa. Ma said 3 and Pa said 10, saying of course I love myself.

The moment I decided to let Arun go a surge of good wishes for myself poured out of my being into me. Intention makes all the difference.

I spend such an inordinate time with myself that I might as well love myself.

I haven't really studied today. I think I never really wanted to be a teacher. But I have this gig. So today after going down to buy milk and roti I will study a bit.

Right now if I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say I'm a 10.5.

I think I'm a kickass humanbeing. I'm a beautiful person as are all the people who grace my life.

When I was with Arun I was earning money through Tarot and there used to be so many clients in extramarital situations consulting me. And I used to feel that everyone is living a similar life. It's exactly 8.08 pm.

I want to be my best friend. I want to always be kind to myself.

Lately everyone I'm meeting has been talking about self love-- oneness of life and it's environment. My life and my people flow together.

I feel most awake at night.

Not a moment is being wasted. There is so much time really and I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. Everything that has to happen is happening in the here and now.

Modelley did not come to work today.

Twi just messaged that she is waiting for me. I'll just go and talk to her.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Loving

Determined to quit smoking. I have been taking long walks ever since I was small. I can replace my cigarettes with long walks.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.15 pm

Ps: There is that feeling again accompanied by a sexual urge. Right now there is no one to direct all this love to.

I'm so different from the rest of the girls. Today I spent time with Twi and Hamida aunty and they were discussing maids, the redevelopment and practical things.

Hamida aunty said that she has really enjoyed life. She told me Im looking very pyaari and good.

I hope to become most career-oriented in the coming few days.

And I want someone loyal to love.

Tomorrow will be a good good day!

I am feeling:

My ears ringing

Happy

Awake

Really want to quit smoking.

10.13 pm

Journal 4.45 pm on 5.8.2026 I refuse to give up

Dear Journal,

Ma just came back home. I've been reflecting on my parents and my life. Ma is such a good girl. And Pa is such a good boy. Ma and Pa have never cheated on each other despite being unhappy.

I don't know what a happy marriage looks like. From Arun's account all people sleep around, all people have extramarital affairs. From Arun's account cheating is quite normal. That is so sad, firstly toh. And secondly, it makes me trust him less.

I think I grew up in an unhappy home. It's only Buddhism that has brought in joy into our lives and I should never give it up.

I've met so many different kinds of people striving in my Buddhist practice.

And my Buddhist practice has also made me realise that all people suffer and that I must always cultivate kindness because you never know what the person in front of you is going through. That's number one. I'll never stop chanting.

Then I'll never give up on myself. I'll always take my medication because it means that I trust in my growth and progress.

And finally, I'll never give up on people and in love. No matter who is in front of me-- whether it be Mukesh Ambani or Amitabh Bachchan or a Bhalla or Sunil bhaiyya i'll show respect to all lives. You never know what the soul in front of you is going through.

I hope to find love. You know journal these days I feel so darned lonely.

We are a quiet household. We don't really talk much here.

All my best conversations were had with Arun-- I'll never forget him.

I'll never give up on myself dear Journal. One more step forward each day.

I also hope to quit smoking.

The goal of human life is freedom and happiness. May I bring joy to all and be the ultimate successful. Its exactly 5.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.03 pm

Ps: I feel so sexually aroused. I wont be with just anybody. I hope to find an excellent companion. I am not going to pleasure myself.

Journal 1.10 pm on 5.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream well after 10.10. It's exactly 1.11 now. I saw that I was telling Rohit Handa that my parents didn't leave me any money and he says there must be money. 

Then I find a box full of ten rupee notes... many many many of them.

I smoked 4 cigarettes in the morning. I promised myself I would smoke no more and that I would study.

I went to meet DiPan in the morning.

I told her about my dream of being at my lowest point and she said that I'm definitely not at my lowest point. So many things are in my favour. She also told me to never stop chanting.

Now I'll have a bath, eat lunch, chant and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.15 pm

We two

All the circumstances support

Me with you.

Then where are we stuck so royally,

We two?

It's the tip of a sea mountain, 

The wonderment of my music

And one way or the other--

Together we are gifted.

Not that much time has passed.

Is that a bouquet in your hand?

This saga will never end.

Letter to God 10.08 pm on 4.8.2026 A tale of all I want

Dearest God,

With what purpose have you put me on Earth? To what aim? What do you want of me? What is the best course of action now? I want you to reveal it for me in my dreams.

I think I want your infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life. I believe in your power and your might. Whatever you've told me will happen actually happens. I've felt your presence. I've also felt your wrath.

Firstly, can you make this world a more lovely place? Without wars, without disharmony, where all beings mean and intend well, where we live with love and with joy and everyone has everything they need and more.

I've handwritten so many things to you in the past and I don't want to get lost in thoughts of you because that means I'm lonely.

Firstly, give me love and give me Arun's lifelong friendship. Since he is married his friendship will suffice. What are your plans for me?

Arun has told me that he will never watch a movie with me. Give him the desire to dial my number, to want to meet me. Give me him in this life.

Because God I want his steady presence in my life.

Sometimes you give something and then you take it away. Don't do that with love in my life.

Give me a relationship with someone of mutual love, mutual committment, mutual devotion, mutual happiness, mutual trust and mutual respect and togetherness.

I really crave that maximum at the moment. I crave someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone whose shoulders I can lean on. Help me pay Arun back.

Second of all I want to quit smoking for good. Prepare circumstances such that I kick the butt for good.

Help me leave my mark in this world with my creations and my creativity. Give me riches, give me fame, give me the joys of a successful career as an actress and a writer.

Help me buy my own house.

Make Ma's ulcers disappear, Pa's bones heal and give Buro a financial breakthrough. Give me a financial breakthrough!

Let me have money.

Help me be prepared for class each Monday and teach my students to the best of my ability. Let them score high marks.

Give me respect, love and the joys of life.

Give Arun a happy life. May he win his Oscar.

Make my health problems go away.

Guide me to fulfil all my responsibilties to the best.

Help me strive, guide me to be consumed by work. Help me stand at the pinnacle of success and never move from there.

Guide me to spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Give me the bounties of your gifts and spoil me with choice. Spoil me oh dear God because when I come to you tender and ripe I shall be healed.

And shower your infinite love, Grace and blessings on all creation and show not your wrath!

Love,

Doel

Journal 8.32 pm on 4.8.2026 it's written in the skies

Dear Journal,

Some things are so obvious like it's written as a sign in the skies. And you don't need to probe. That is what it is.

Today I woke up at 9.36 from a dream where I saw Arun. I saw in the dream that all the conditions were right for the two of us to date but we are not dating. I wonder how he is.

It's written in the skies. It's so obvious he has someone to talk to these days.

He brought me infinite joy and happiness. I used to be crazy about his smell and crazy about him. May be I still am. I still love him in that subliminal way you love a boy when he touches your heart.

His love, his kisses, his stupid lies, his smell, his stories, his people... aah! Those were the days.

Then I attended a meeting with Tejal where she just briefed me about what I should teach next Monday.

Then I bathed and ate my lunch which was bhetki with rice.

Then I lay down for a bit and after 4, me and Ma went to Harsh.

I came back and had alu bhajiya... I'm spending too much money on smokes and colas. Abdul's shop has reopened.

Then I went to meet SeeDhi. For some reason these days my self talk has become very positive as if I have fallen in love with myself and I inside am being newly appreciated by me.

I told SeeDhi about how lonely I'm feeling. We discussed the frivolousness of relationships.

I told her about how I don't like attention from men, especially married and taken men and how all my male friends denigrate their wives and talk poorly about them.

Then I told her that I'll never find a guy like my dad who will always say I'm right. Then SeeDhi surprised me with her input.

She told me that Ma has told her that Pa has never been affectionate towards her.

All those years of thinking that my parents are in an unhappy marriage, I was right! It's now only in Buddhism that I can say I have a happy family.

Otherwise Pa with his tantrik, Ma with her negativity. Those were probably the worst days of my life.

All my life I've seen Ma fighting with Pa. Nowadays she doesn't that much. When I was in college Pa once told me that he is very lonely. I'm sure he has had his share of women friends whom we don't know.

What we see is Ma with her circle of girlfriends and Pa with his male pals.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm grateful for the friends I have.

Today A Alam messaged. Then he called. He told me that I don't love myself and that I'm too nice to everyone. He is one of my poor friends-- always struggling with money and negativity.

And I decided today as I was walking out of SeeDhi's house that I would take all my problems to God. I would converse with God. God is my companion in a world where it seems I have such few companions.

I'll never again talk to Arun the way I spoke with him the last time. He brought me so much happiness and love. I'll never forget him.

Tomorrow I have to go meet DiPan and I hope to study tomorrow.

I also hope to reach a point where I never smoke a cigarette again.

I intentioned for it to be a good day today in the morning. Has it been a good day? I'll ask ChatGpt.

On the road of life

I am on a journey

To spread love

And be successful

Bringing joy to all hearts!

I think I'll write a letter to God now after I go down and smoke a cigarette. I will quit cigarettes too.

I am feeling:

Heart slightly heavy

Loving

Happy but sombre

Serious

Awake

Bright

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.58 pm

Journal 1.52 pm on 4.8.2026 There is only one

Dear Journal,

I'll never call any other guy except Arun Honey and Shonapie. I have my reasons.

I love him. I always will.

Now I'll chant, eat lunch and study.

Love,

Me.

1 54 pm