Journal 11.31 am on 31.10.2026 October just flew by

Dearest Journal,

Today is the last day of October 2026. This day will never come back. So Ill make the most of it.

I saw Arun in my dream but I dont remember the details of my dream.

So yesterday Arun said his friend Y's wife is called Vidya. Is this the Vidya he had an affair with? This struck me upon reaching home.

But I dont want to bother myself about it.

Why does Arun not believe in fidelity? He is shoo cute. Even though I pecked him on his cheeks quite a few times yesterday, he didnt peck back.

In fact, in the rick he said Thank You. I dont know why he thanked me. It was my little bit of intimacy with him.

I am feeling:

Loveless

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11 36 am

Journal 12 am on 31.10.2026 muwaaah

Dear Journal,

In the morning I woke up from a dream where I saw Pa. Arun mustve been there. But in the background.

I saw myself as a part of a filming of a Malyalam movie. I saw that the directors were trying to recreate mini islands by placing floaters in the water that would then be edited to look like mini islands.

I saw a Mallu guy and a Mallu girl in love with each other. They were naked, sitting on high chairs and bound (hiding their nakedness) with a thick bottle green blanket wrapping both of them sitting in different chairs. I saw myself talking to Pa and I think we were in Ramkrishna Mission in the dream.

Today I met Arun after a good ten months. It's been such a long time and he smelled as delectable. I hugged him and gave him a few pecks on his cheek.

I feel so comfortable with him. I can tell him anything. He says his wife is back from her trip. He also said he is happy that she is back.

We spoke about so many things. Apparently he hadnt slept well and has been really busy with work. He looked good.

He was wearing a beautiful peacock blue shirt that he called teal blue.

I clicked one picture of him where he didnt smile. Cant force anything.

1. Something I accomplished.

Relationships. Spent good time with Arun.

2. Something I handled well.

Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated.

Relationships. Food. The one beer I had. Good time spent with Arun. A happy day.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

Spent quality time with Arun. I really love him. But I dont know what to make of us. I know that I always want him in my life. And plus, I get the feeling that in the past several months of having broken up he's slept with someone. Today I learnt that he lost his silver pendant. I wish he hadnt. I loved that pendant. He even has a new tattoo. I saw him after such a long time.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

That my heart is broken. Arun broke my heart. But I can forgive him and I have.

I am feeling:

Loving

Happy

So so so happy to have spent time with Arun.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12 19 am

Journal 9.06 pm on 29.10.2026 Im feeling it again

Dear Journal,

Im feeling that strange ringing ears, sexual sexual feeling again. Im really nervous about meeting Arun tomorrow. I wonder how it will be. Im not in my best shape and I hope he doesnt say anything mean.

I still love him. I still really really do.

Today I woke up around 11.

The whole day was spent watching Steve Harvey shows. And I felt... who am I living for?

Then I went to meet SeeDhi and properly ranted to her about Ma.

She told me to focus on my life and not to bother about what Ma is praying for. She also said how will her prayers work. Then why do we chant if we dont believe our prayers will get answered?

I came back home and Ma unleashed all her frustration on me.

She is sooo difficult to live with.

So I went down and spent some time with Twi and Marzoo.

9.12 pm... ill continue this later

While I was gone I chanted with Ma and Pa, ate my dinner, took the pills and went down. And Twi and Marzoo were still there chatting.

Apparently we are all definitely going out on Saturday. Hopefully it will be a good time.

With Leena and Twi we discuss men. I dont know what Marzoo will talk about.

Im feeling such a sexual urge. And I feel so plain.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.35 pm

Journal 11.58 am on 29.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

Today is Sadhya's birthday! She is finding eating in Vietnam tough. 

I had a dream last night that Twi, Leena, Marzoo, Arun and I were discussing politics. And I go like-- I really want NaMo out. But then I go like-- But I cant accept RaGa as Prime Minister. To which everybody says-- Why I would love to have RaGa as PM.

This is another time Im seeing Arun mingle with my friends in my dreams.

Anyhow... I hope to make the most of today.

Love,

Me.

12.03 pm

Infinite love

It's been a while since

I gazed at you fully

And even then you

Love only me truly

And you are captivated

By the rustling of the grass

As I drink glass upon glass

Of putrid medicines,

Putrid Gold

And your cheeks

I would like to hold.

It amazes me

How you can be so influenced,

How gullible you are!

And some day

Youll lay to rest

All the outer bars

And measure

Me originally

In your heart

And find that

The infinite love

For you there

Would always last!

Journal 9.00 pm on 28.10.2026 when did I become so lazy and why?

Dearest Journal,

I had a dream in the morning that a certain green plot of land was out of bounds and had been shut with wooden doors. I approach a lady cop to get through and finally the door opens.

And then I saw that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there because she has a mental health problem. Then in a bit I woke up. I wonder what this dream means?

When did I become so Goddarned lazy? Why am I not taking steps towards my future? I want to be a successful writer... why am I behaving so lazily?!

It's because of ADe that I met Krao. I hope she is fine.

I woke up in the morning a little after 11.30. There was no breakfast for me. I had Hilsa for lunch.

I didnt even take a bath today. S Ojha invited me for the screening of his film.

I sent the invite to Twi and Arun. Twi said she is interested. Arun didnt reply. He is also not telling me when he wants to meet me.

I lazed around all day long. I watched this. Then I watched that.

I didnt go to Maa Studio today. If I had I would have worked on my book. Also my laptop! I hope Manit can repair it.

It's been helluva long ride. I wish my mom had no problem with me being a journalist. I find her too judgmental. When I was working in the newsroom she said those who become journalists are not good at studies. Im feeling irritated with her.

Pa and she have gone for a building meeting.

1. Something I accomplished.

Rest.

2. Something I handled well.

Arun's silence. Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated.

My family's support. Friends. Food. Sadhya and Bu sent pics of the food they are eating. Sadhya has a headache because of the non veg smell in Hanoi.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

Rest. Now Ill chant after dinner.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

Im lazy.

6. Something I appreciated about myself.

Im generous.

I am feeling:

Irritated with Ma.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.16 pm

Journal 11.37 am on 28.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that a certain space was out of bounds and I approach a woman cop to get me past it.

Finally I have access to the space. And it turns out that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there.

Then I see myself lying on the ground and a certain lady is getting videographed for a shot.

And a girl with cropped hair keeps telling her that her eyes are splitting. 

Love,

Me.

11.41 am