Journal 6.43 pm ist on 6.6.2026 I auditioned

Dear Journal,

I've had eight cigarettes today. That's a bit much! I had an audition today. More on that in a bit.

I woke up at 1.27 am then again at 3.03 am and dosed till 6.29 am. I was up bright and alert with a faint foreboding in my heart. I woke up with a heavy heart.

I remember dreaming of me being in some village with some village ka chokras. It was a dull black and white dream.

I woke up and had my lemon juice with honey. Then I set off to one hour of chanting and meditation. After that I wore my sneakers and headed off for a half an hour long walk to the cooing of birds. There were many people jogging on the roads. That kind of inspired me to jog too.

Then I had my first cigarette and visited the Jain temple.

I came home and exerted myself in half an hour of yoga.

Then without bathing today I ate my breakfast and set about job hunting. I found some interesting jobs on the list today.

I was at it for about two hours. Duma was not supposed to come today so I set into a nice warm 20 minute bath and shampoo.

I wore my mint green chikankari kurta and applied light makeup for my audition in Chitrakoot Studios. Allu Arjun was shooting right there. I think my audition went off pretty well. They said that if I'm selected I'd have to get rid of my red streaks. I bumped into Raj Jha over there and we bantered a bit. Then I took the Metro home.

I came home to give a job interview and a test and was feeling quite fatigued. In the middle of my interview Pa rang the doorbell and disturbed me. I had to open the door to him.

Lunch was beans, sindhi kadi, beguner kalia and jeera rice. I ate a full lunch today.

By the time I finished it was 3 pm. I had one cigarette and set down for a ten minute rest. I was feeling so tired from the sweat and the hot sun.

Then I read Daisaku Ikeda, William Strunck which can be a little dry and three chapters of Helen Keller's autobiography. 

Then I chanted for some time and headed off for a half an hour-long walk.

A barking leaping dog has been obstructing my route for the past two days right near FTC. So today I took a detour. I came home all sweaty and wet.

Ma is a little weak from her fever. My parents are golden.

I remembered Arun today. His long black hair, his sweet smelling face, his interesting banter.

I even read the news today. I spent much time reading Features in HT.

I am feeling:

Hot

Slightly sweaty and salty

Happy

Heart light with love

In a good mood

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the variety of jobs my search is throwing up.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money and work.

I am grateful for loving relationships. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to give an audition today.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for yoga, exercise and the wonders of Nature.

I am grateful for books.

Love,

Me.

7.03 pm

Journal 7.00 pm ist 5.6.2026 self belief goes a long way

Dear Journal,

The electricity bill is so high this month! Whenever a job turns up I intend to contribute to household expenses. I must and I will!

I smoked 5 cigarettes today and drank oodles of tea.

Self belief goes a long way! And even a tiny sliver of hope is enough to tide one through choppy waters. And the most important thing is to be realistic. And loving. And kind.

There is enough trouble in the world. One kind word could make all the difference.

My mind was not really into the job search today. I was tired from yoga and walking in the morning and delaying that first cigarette made me feel a little fogged.

Despite that I job-hunted till lunchtime. 

I ate rice with dal, a carrot bean veggie, jhinge posto and aloo fry. It was all so yum.

Then I read a few short stories, O Henry's Gift of the Magi being a repeat. I started reading Hellen Keller's autobiography, completing 5 chapters. I read Daisaku Ikeda. I worked on my novel. I chanted and prayed.  Then I headed out for a long sweaty evening walk with all the filmy crowd lining the streets.

I came home to sunset. Ma and I had a slight riff raff over whether the lights should be switched on.

I settled with Hellen Keller's autobiography again.

I even perused William Strunck a bit.

Yesterday I started watching a Netflix series called Single Papa. I'll watch the second episode now.

The days seem effortless and easy.

Sometimes the brain is overstimulated and alert but it's all good.

Ma is in much better health. She is looking so pretty as she is headed out. She has worn her green pants with a black kurta. Pretty mom.

Melon has just come back from his evening walk. Kit's nails have been clipped and his scratches are painless at the moment.

A hot cup of chicken soup awaits me.

I am feeling:

Loving

Kind

Sobre

Clear-minded

Smelling good

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships. I am grateful for Melon and Kit.

I am grateful for my daily sustenance of food and beverages. I am grateful for shelter.

I am grateful for money and work. I cracked one interview but the job is tentative. The search goes on.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for oil.

I am grateful for yoga and exercise.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for Linkedin.

I am grateful for my laptop and wifi.

I am grateful for my phone.

Love,

Me.

7.19 pm

Journal 5.6.2026 9.38 am ist there is and there only is

 Dear Journal,

I woke up around 4 am ist and switched off the AC. THEN WITH MY LEFT LEG FEELING NUMB I FELL ASLEEP TILL 5.57 am.

I chanted and meditated for about an hour. Then I made myself a smooth hot cuppa and headed out for a half an hour long walk. I came back home and gave myself a sort of facial around 8 and then begrudgingly I stepped out for my first cigarette. I went and prayed at the Jain temple.

Then I came home and did half an hour of yoga and pranayama. The mind is alert and awake.

I ate 3 uttapams or chilas with curd and a mango for breakfast. There is not much in the news.

I could have lived in a world where I hadn't met Arun and that would have been a dismal world. I'm so much the happier to have met him.

I'm just sitting to work. It should be a good day.

Ma is pottering about with the plants and all that.

I am feeling:

Heavy breathed

Happy

Slightly irritable

Full of love

Alert and awake

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.45 am ist

Journal 6.58 pm ist on 4.6.2026 It's already Thursday!

Dear Journal,

I have no excuses to make. It's already Thursday. The week has just whooshed by.

Out of all the things I've done and all the things I've experienced the ones that stand dearest in memory are the ones spent in loving relationships. Moments of love are to be cherished.

I've had many friends and I've grappled with my expressiveness, growing up awkward. However, given all the embarrassing details in life I have simply no regrets. I have a clear conscience. And today my heart feels light.

After due reflection, I've decided to not chase a single person or thing. Whatever will be will be. The peace of mind I'm left with is unnegotiable. And my heart full of love! What should I do with it?

After finishing yoga, chanting and meditation in the morning. I settled with my job search. I smoked a cigarette early which I regret. I've smoked 6 cigarettes today.

I got two interview calls today. These AI driven interviews are so complicated and so full of jargon. After giving a lengthy test I was so fagged out that I shut the laptop and headed to lunch at 2.

Sadhya came with Melon and Kittoo. She was all fresh and smelling good.

I ate karela pumpkin, jhinge posto data, tok dal with a fish fry. I didn't really stuff myself today but later I had a bowl of tok dal.

I spent time with Melon and Kittoo. I had 5 cups of black tea today with the last cup savoured with coconut cake.

Then I chanted. I even read Daisaku Ikeda and William Strunk. William Strunk is helpful and definitely not a one-time read.

Then at 6 I headed out for a half-an-hour long walk and came back and did some yoga with Ma watching some video in the background.

I played with Alyssa who was playing with the cats. I also chatted with Maddy.

It's 7.13 pm now and my day is done. I think I'll watch a movie now on Netflix. I hope Arun is well.

Love is the only antidote to all the ills of the world.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Fresh

Accomplished

Clear-headed

Bright and alert

A slight thirst

I am grateful for all the yummy food I eat each day, for this beautiful home of ours and my work.

I am grateful that I enjoy taking long walks in Nature.

I am grateful for yoga and praying. 

I am grateful for all my loving relationships.  I am grateful for Melon and Kitoon.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.20 pm

Journal 4 6 2026 11 24 am ist against all odds

Dear Journal,

I choose love. I choose optimism. I choose forgiveness. I choose compassion.

Today I woke up a little after 6. Ive smoked 3 cigarettes so far. Yesterday I smoked a bit too much.

I chanted, meditated, did yoga, went for two rounds of walks. I took a walk in the lane near Arun's building. 

I'm wearing my pista green kurta with a navy blue salwar.

I really want to quit cigarettes. I really really do. It's so hot.

I played with that beautiful grey eyed orange cat.

The pelican like wood-looking bird was at the window again.

I've had two cups of tea.

I've been at it looking for work since 9.

Sometimes I feel like I'm working against all odds. Sometimes it's a little difficult. I have a little money.

My heart is filled with love so deep I don't know what to do with it.

I think I'll read the news now and do a little yoga. I want to contribute to the house.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I hope to utilise each moment graciously and judiciously.

I'm reasonably happy.

In the morning Ma just lashed out at me for no reason at all. She can be quite unreasonable. I kissed her because well, I love her.

I am grateful that my limbs still move.

I am grateful that I still feel and look youthful.

I am grateful for good health. 

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my relationships.

It's such a beautiful wonderful life!

I am feeling:

Happy

Oxygenated

Full of deep love

Sweaty

Ressonably pretty

Clean

I am sitting in the 604 hall.

I'll do a few yogasanas, read the news and write. I'll be on my laptop working till 4,5.

Love,

Me.

11.37 am

He

By Doel Sengupta

His smile is wicked and bewtiching

His laugh is jeering and sneering

Raucous, sometimes warm sometimes cold

And on his own thoughts he has little hold.

His vision is clear and pristine,

His heart a wild forest of blooms

Of fragrances so tempered and enlivening,

His criticisms are dry and doomed.

He lives in a world much larger than himself

And when he falls he kneels and portends;

He is buttery smooth in his affections

And wandering in his imaginations.

His hair is silken and sweaty

His words don't need more brevity;

His eyes are kind and mischeivous

And his dreams are long golden and glorious.

Weaknesses he has many,

Strengths are also not few,

He despises greenery 

For that I loathe him

And his must is often perfumed.

I wish I'd known better than to fall for him,

I wish I'd known better than to recite and despise

Meself and me meanderings so nice

I wish I'd known how to add less spice.

His tales have me enthralled,

His voice is hard and harsh

As are his encouragements

Be caught dead off the lark.

I think I'll note him down in memory

As someone I truly understood;

For now I'm done with longing 

And I think for that I'm good.

Choosing simplicity

By Doel Sengupta

It must have been some mad dereliction

Or some greed for name and fame

Or a lacklustre wonder of direction

That love had me and I would not tame.

Into the boozy brothels of shame and deceit,

Into the gaze that locks eyes to kisses,

Into the guiles and facades of longing

Unto heaving sighs and a heart that misses

Into those tales that make great parodies

Unto the joys of hope and delight

Till the last break of dawn I clasp

That wisping flame that was ignited.

I wander into the streets of pressure cookers

And I play with beings that jump with spright;

Sometimes I wonder if being a decent looker

Could rake off the band from the wagon on high.

I think I'm done with such infatuous passions

That imagination oft does newly fashion

Into the simplest way of living and being

With memories of smells and reprieves.