Journal 8.56 pm on 13.8.2026 Dadu's birthday went by

Dear Journal,

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change-- Max Planck.

Today just whooshed by. Tomorrow I have to accompany Pa to the hospital; he has his colonoscopy.

I watched one reel today and the day just flew by me. I woke up really really late too.

It was Dadu's birthday on the 8th, but nobody mentioned it.

I sometimes wonder at A's busyness. Is he really so busy or does he say that to avoid me? He must be busy. It's exactly 9.00 pm.

All these food reels have my mouth watering.

I didn't really get much done today. I was supposed to meet Psha but she cancelled last minute. I chanted though. I'll spend some more time chanting now.

There is a sense of agency in praying; a sense of you have a role to play in your circumstances.

I'll go to sleep by 11 today.

I am feeling:

Bright

Awake

Happy

Serious

Loving

Oh yes! The reason I spent so much time on my phone today was because I got that strange ringing ears feeling again-- the feeling that says I need more comfort... it's accompanied with a sexual urge and since I don't have anyone it accentuates my loneliness.

Pa is on a fast before his colonoscopy. So I'll just have my soup, take my medicines, chant and crash.

I have to prepare my lessons.

Tomorrow is going to be a good good day. I hope Pa's reports come clean.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Journal 1.02 pm on 13.8.2026 a hazy dream and waking up late

Dear Journal,

I woke up well after 12 today.

I remember showing someone (perhaps Arun) my digipin for postal services.

Then I saw myself checking something and thinking the word 'poor' in my dream.

I don't want to be poor. I don't want my dreams showing such things.

Today I will study. Today I will make the most of today.

I am feeling:

Well rested

Happy

Loving

Eager to not smoke today

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.06 pm

Wonder of wonders

By Doel Sengupta

I have wandered unbidden

Into a forest of my thoughts,

Ofttimes relaxing of ideas

Not fully wrought.

I decide on a little journey

I must take on my own,

And my strength comes calling,

Following me to the crown.

My responsibilities 

Want to join me

On this very romantic sojourn

And I walk through the corridors

Of once held powers.

It's dark and I can't see

But the green light,

It favours me

As I behold

That majestic beauty 

Everlastingly finally.

The clock is ticking fast

And this time will not last

And I give you morsels

While I take a few

And we are working

Looking oh so cute!

And I'm back home once again

Having experienced

Immense pain

But what can

Neatly be bought 

Is clearer than a dot.

Journal 9.00 pm on 12.8.2026 how do I OVERTHINK everything?

Dear Journal,

The whole day... and I mean THE WHOLE DAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! was spent on ChatGpt. How and why and wherefrom did I get so much patience to discuss my life with OpenAI?

Also, I really should be able to move on from Arun. My heart just can't let him go.

I analysed my journal inside out today, my recent dreams, symbols, life and I am tired.

I havent chanted in two days, my laptop needs fixing, I need to prepare lessons... there is so much to do!!!!!!!!!!

May be I shouldnt message or call Arun. I'm sure he's moved on. He may have found someone else.

On the other hand, DeJh sent me many long emotional messages. I really don't want his attention. It's not welcome. He is so girly.

I hope to not smoke any cigarettes tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Bored

Happy

Tired

Dissatisfied

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Life is a kalpavriksh. You get everything you ask of it. All you imagine, all you foresee comes to pass.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

Journal 12.17 pm on 12.8.2026 feeding someone

Dear Journal,

I thought I saw Pa in my dream but he looked more like Salman Afroze or Arun. There was a sense of keeping time in the dream as there was a clock.

I am working on something on a machine and feeding Pa at the same time-- one bite for him and one bite for me.

Then I hand over the machine to Pa and keep feeding him as he is working-- with my hands to his mouth.

Then I woke up.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Dirty and grimy (will have a bath)

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.22 pm

Journal 7.31 pm on 11.8.2026 Love

Dear Journal,

Ma and Pa have gone to meet Aherrao. They are taking a lot of time. Hope everything is alright. Ma was in a lot of pain yesterday and she slept all day. She says she is better today.

I woke up well after 10 today after a dream where I saw that I wanted to visit the Taj Mahal alone. I think Ma comes following me in the dream. Ryllee and Pyaal want to join.

On my way I think of calling up SaW but I don't.

In the dream I walk through the hallways of the Taj alone with other people visiting in the middle of the night. And then I come home and then I wake up.

I almost very soon had a meeting with TAurad.

She is supportive and I'm very grateful for that. We planned the lessons for next week.

After that I did not bathe. All day was spent on the phone. I ate lunch in the middle.

What I learnt today was that even a small effort goes a long long way. And that endless rumination won't get me anywhere.

I even checked my mental health quotient on a scale from -200 to 200 and mine was 68.

I'm so happy that NiJa doesn't message me anymore to meet her.

I think I'll read now and chant.

Hope Ma and Pa come home soon.

I am feeling:

Happy

It's a wet wet day. It poured all day.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.41 pm

JOURNAL 11.49 am on 11.8.2026 a dream of Taj Mahal

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was visiting the Taj Mahal all by myself. Ryllee and Pyaal were there. They wanted to join me. And I go into the Taj Mahal and out... and the dream is very hazy.

I woke up in the morning well after 10. I had a meeting with Tejal and here I am.

I think I'll clean my room, chant and get on with this day.

I am feeling:

Serious

Happy

Loving

A little worried about my students

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.55 am