Journal 10.12 pm on 7.10.2026 bewary

Dear Journal,

I can't eat outside food anymore-- I invariably puke out all the food. Ive also not done yoga in a while since I have a class as soon as I wake up. And it seems like I spend my day smoking.

Today I woke up close to 11 and was teaching Madhav by 11.15. I ate Pa made deemporotha for breakfast.

Then I had to meet Tejal. I spent time with her understanding the syllabus.

I fixed a meeting with SeeDhi.

In the evening I went to meet SeeDhi but today she gave me just 25 minutes of her time. If she didnt want to meet she should have cancelled. I was a little upset at this short meeting.

Then Ma and I went to the tailor.

I treated Ma to Pav Bhaji and Falooda at Blue P.

I dont remember my dream from the morning.

I think Ill turn in now. I really want to quit smoking. 

I am feeling:

Bored

Solemn

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.19 pm

Ps: Something I accomplished.

I taught Madhav. I spoke to Tejal on lesson plans. I treated Pa to mishti doi and Ma to liquorice and falooda and pav bhaji.

Something I handled well.

I treated Ma and Pa and spent quality time with them. I handled Pa's irritability without spiralling. I handled Seedhi's just 25 minutes without confrontation. 

Something I enjoyed or appreciated.

I loved the falooda,  liquorice and the fact that I have some money. I enjoyed teaching Madhav and SeeDhi said I look pretty.

11.41 pm

Ps2: Something I did for my future self--

I taught Madhav and sat with Tejal on lesson plans. That is experience and pure joy. I spent quality time with my parents and I even spoke to Buro. I bought tickets for DiPan's play to spend more quality time with Ma. And I journalled!

Journal 1.02 am on 7.10.2026 Durga pujo is near

Dear Journal,

I finally was able to pay Arun back! Frankly, I dont know how much I really owe him. I hope he is not upset. I feel relieved.

Talking about money, I've started keeping a Budget. Today I paid for lunch and juices and spent close to 2000 rupees. That's a lot. But money will come. It always does.

Im still up at this Godly hour because I want to prepare my lessons. Another hour.

I sent Arun messages-- one on hair dye and one on affiliate marketing. I hope he is not bugged.

I deserve love, money, happiness and all the good things in life.

I am feeling:

Acidity

Happy

Awake

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.08 am

Ps: Im planning to target 3 income streams from after Diwali-- teaching, writing, Tarot. I need to manage my time well. My laptop finally went for repair. 6 hours per week to each. That's 18 hours. I need to make schedules and stick to it. I also hope to meet Arun soon.

Love,

Me.

1.19 am

Journal 4.39 pm on 6.10.2026 how do you ever forget?

Dear Journal,

How will I ever forget Arun? Sometimes I feel the grip loosening and sometimes I feel such a surge of love for him. I so miss him. Today DiPan was asking about him. I told her that the last thing I want to do is break his family. That's the last thing on my mind. 

I woke up around 10 today. Then in a bit after having deemporotha made by Pa I went in for the lecture with Madhav. Madh said he couldnt hear me but I still went ahead with the class, chatting with him to aid him to write about himself. 

He says that he is a teetotaller. I wasnt one at his age. It's exactly 4.44.

Everything begins with daimoku.

DuMa didnt come today so I ordered lunch for me and Pa from Swadesh-- methi malai mattar, veg kolhapuri and Naan. I also ordered medu vada.

I quickly ate and left to meet DiPan. We studied a Gosho-- happiness in this World.

"Suffer what there is to suffer. Enjoy what is there to enjoy."

The brain has a sorting system called the Reticular Activating System that decides what our predominant state of mind. Anyhow like I said, everything begins with a determination-- a decision to be a sensitive actress, a decision to be the best teacher, a decision to be an articulate writer, exemplary painter, brilliant journalist, the best daughter, sister and friend.

It all starts in the mind. The suffering will pass.

I also spoke to Mrs Kampani.

I saw a dream with Swapku in it. In my dream I was transported back to the time of studying Neurobiology. I tell Swapku in the dream that the seniors forced me to study under Mcarunan. I, in fact, wanted to study under Medha Rajdyaksha.

The dream reminded me that sometimes you have to do things that you dont want to-- like study under a teacher you dont want to.

So that's that. I think Ill spend a little time on social media and then prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

I am feeling:

Happy

Pretty

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

4.57 pm

Journal 10 46 pm on 5.10.2026 Exhausted

Dear Journal,

Today I scolded the Grade 8 batch a lot. I also took away Danika's phone for a bit. I feel terrible at having scolded them but there was no other option it seemed. I wont scold them like this again. There must be a better way to manage them. Im sorry kiddos for scolding youll.

Fle was better managed today. The Grade 8 text was too tough. And they say that they have too much homework.

I wont punish my students. I will be kind. I will be diplomatic. Im learning.

I dont remember my dream from the morning. Madhav was also in no mood to study today.

I came back home about an hour ago and I think Ill chant and meditate and sleep. I dont need to consume so much YouTube content.

Tarini is so bindaas. I was so much more reserved at her age.

I miss Salvia.

Also my medication has been helping at keeping me going and I'm so grateful for that.

Last night I was awake till 4 in the morning preparing.

Im living an ordinary life at the moment. Im trying to love it but I do crave the extraordinary moments. I want my heart and my life to expand with joy.

I really love my students. I think I was too hard on Grade 8 today.

I also left my blue bottle in Kandivli. 

I hope Arun is fine.

I am feeling:

A little tired 

Solemn

Happy 

Loving

Clean after my bath

Ill also must take better care of my appearance.

I love my darling students.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.59 pm

Journal 9.54 pm on 4.10.2026 Im so lazing....

Dear Journal,

Im so lazing around. I snoozed in the evening. I spent some time with Twi who was complaining about SmiKan.

Then I heard a rat under the bench and rushed back home.

I woke up close to 12 in the morning. I have Madhav in the morning then a whole day full of lectures tomorrow. 

I ordered from McDonalds today and that was my dinner. Im so full up to my neck.

Im waiting for my salary because Ill pay back Arun with the money.

In fact I saw Arun in my dream in the morning. The whole dream is hazy because Pa came and woke me up. However, I remember waiting for something to happen. The way Im waiting on Arun in my waking life. There was Pa, there was Ma and that is it.

It's exactly 10 pm. I think I'll work till about 12/1 and go to sleep. But now for some visualisation exercise.

Arun is shoooooo cute. And Ma is looking so good with her white frame. She looks so young.

Ill just shut my eyes in a dark room for fifteen minutes and then get to work.

I am feeling:

Rested and relaxed

Alert and bright

Had too many Cloud 9s today.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.04 pm

Journal 4.51 pm on 3.10.2026 I spoke to Arun

Dear Journal,

Firstly, I spoke to Arun for a longish time today. I soooooo love him. He is shooooo cute and sho shweet and so delectable. I miss his smell.

Talking of smell Ive started using Johnsons Baby Cream on my skin and I smell like a baby.

Me and A spoke about Ai and he reiterated that it's vital to adapt. It is. I should take it from the expert who has been through many technological changes in his career.

I really miss him. I so miss his smell and his hands.

I woke up lateish, after 11.30. I saw a dream where I've won some big prize for writing (I dont know if it was the Nobel) and Jamnabai was really proud and showed Ma all that they could find of what Id written in the school. And Ma was feeling so proud.

I even saw Arun and Pa in the dream but not so much dream time for them. It was basically about Ma and about Ma feeling elated that Id been recognised.

I am feeling:

Happy

In love with Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

I am grateful that Arun will always be in my life.

Love,

Me.

5 pm

Ps: I also spent considerable time with Pa before and after lunch discussing cricket and my recurring dreams. Pa said that my subconscious seems to think that I can win a huge prize so I should consciously believe that and work towards it. 

Pa said that he doesnt think of his dreams that much. My parents have been absolute stalwarts in the way they have lived life. And I love Pa, Ma, Buro, Sadhya and Arun absolutely. 

Love,

Me.

5.35 pm

Letter to Arun 9.43 pm on 2.10.2026 Im feeling a little off

Dearest Babypie and Darlingestpie,

Howdeedo? I so miss you, you know that.

I had two rounds of panipuri the other day and Ive been feeling so nauseous.

I was planning to go sugarfree this month but Dassera will be upon us and there will be sweets.

Do you think I should go sugar free after Diwali or should I do that now?

How have you been keeping?

Thank you soooooo much for calling me today even though we didnt talk that much!

I miss you. I love you...

I hope you are not feeling nauseous.

It's almost ten and I have work to accomplish.

I think I'll brush my teeth and go to bed and work tomorrow. 

Im feeling so groggy.

All my friends have been telling me to dye my hair. I want your opinion on my greys and whites. So will you please just meet me? Please.

I miss you. It's been a while since Ive seen your supercute supersweet face.

Hey Arun I love you-- and there is absolutely no reason behind it except that I do. You are amazing!

Chummma to you!

Love,

Doel.

9.51 pm