Journal 12.20 am on 5.8.2026 Where is the love?

Dear Journal,

In any long-term relationship the love transforms, the heart transforms and as Arun says The Love Goes Up the Stratosphere.

Does it then mean that love is lost?

At the end for a long-term relationship you don't really have to love the person, you just have to like them... that was what Sunny told me during Vipassana.

I feel like I've lost my love.

At the end in a long-term relationship like marriage it's practical concerns like committment, loyalty and trust that play a big part. And these are earned privileges. 

I just hope that if I get married, I'm not cheated upon. I want mutual respect, mutual loyalty and mutual trust and the feeling of love will come and go.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.26 am

Journal 10.30 pm on 3.7.2026 feeling loveless

Dear Journal,

Firstly, I have to tell you something embarrassing. I was so underprepared for today's lectures it wasn't even funny! Tejal helped me out.

Tomorrow every thought of Arun will be replaced by thoughts of my students.

Why have I clung on to him in my heart for so long? Because he is familiar. Because no man has ever treated me with as much sexual respect as he did. And deep down somewhere I'll never forget how I fell in love with him.

But there is no passion there. And could he really always be working? And he said that there is nothing for us to discuss. And he talks insultingly. So every thought of him will be replaced by how I can love my students Dhyaan, Tarini, Kyra and all of them more!

Today I took breaks to smoke cigarettes. I will not do that next Monday.

If I were ever to kiss Arun again I would do that endearingly. There is such distance between us!

All in all today was a good day. Yesterday being friendship day I got friendship bands from my students. Dhyaan, Tarini and Rishaan just didn't want to study, so we chatted. I told them a few stories about how when I was a child what I did with my friends.

It brought me closer to them. I spoke to them, loved them and taught them what I could.

This is a phase in my life. A phase where I'm grappling loneliness and emptiness. It's really about living my life with full grace despite that. I refuse to be unhappy. I am determined to spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Why does Tarini laugh so much? Why does Dhyaan not love himself? And what can I do to better their lives?

My bachchas told me today about how everyone is dating in their school and it was really lovely listening to snippets from their lives. I would have been a great mother!

Everybody has been telling me how bored and empty they are feeling-- all the people my age. I think it must be in the stars!

What is this phase teaching me? It's teaching me patience, hard work, resilience, about happiness and how to keep loving even in arid ground. It's teaching me the value of cherishing the lives in front of me. It's teaching me to let go with grace. It's teaching me that the voice in my head has to soften.

It's teaching me about the goodness of people's hearts-- like Raaurad and TejAurad; how to work with love and grace; how to surmount obstacles and acceptance.

Children are so precious; they mean the world to me. I've loved Eshna, Koena, Ryllee, Pyaal and a great many children all my life. And they have all grown up to be stalwart!

I am going to bathe now, chant and sleep.

I really want to give up smoking.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Concerned

Focused

Awake but tired

Don't really feel like bathing but bathe I will.

It's a good night! I wish me and my loved ones sweet dreams.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.56 pm

Voice

The voice in my head,

My very own voice,

Is just so loud

And rarely coy.

It imagines

And churns

All the faces

And happenings

Of my life,

It helps me surmount

Difficulties with joy.

Me and me,

Talking to myself

On which realm

Should I now dwell?

The lisp

The wisp is caught on the breath

And I feel so distraught

As there is nary a man about me

As if with the whole world I had fought.

On my tongue there is a lisp

Of burdens I have dealt with well

And my friendship with you is flashy

As any tongue will tell.

On our misfortunes I will not dwell,

My circumstances grand and beknown

And my soul I will not sell

But it's imaginings precious and gold.

I strive easily and fully

And have reached the head of the fort,

Warm from my nightly musings

Back in from the biting cold.

It's a much better deal

Our friendship formally sealed

As with beautiful words you wield

My heart out of the snow.

Journal 10.07 am on 3.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was attending an online call which many of my old friends were attending. I had to list out topics I could write on. And Siddhi Mankame keeps trying to call me up and I keep cutting her call.

What does this mean?

I am feeling:

Happy

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.10 am

Ps: Having written the above Siddhi is probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I don't know why I rejected her call in the dream.

Also, there are many things I want that I don't pray for. Now I'll chant and study. Today is going to be a good good day.

11.31 am

Ps2: I also saw in my dream that SeeDhi and Arun were cleaning my nose just the way I used to play with Arun's nose and clean it.

I have to rush out today. Waking up late doesnt help.

12.50 pm

Journal 8.28 pm on 2.7.2026 that feeling

Dear Journal,

I went out with Ma for a drive this evening. Now she is at Bu's place.

I spent the entire evening thinking about Arun and thinking that I am discussing  him with God.

I really want to get a grip on myself and not spend so much time thinking about him.

I had hilsa today.

I am feeling:

Dimaag fried

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.32 pm

Journal 4.09 pm on 2.8 2026 im getting that feeling again

Dear Journal,

I again feel like some higher power is trying to get in touch with me. 

These are the meanderings of my own mind. I'll really miss not calling Arun up.

I wish my heart were not thumping, I wish my pupils were not dilated and I wish I was feeling differently. 

I'm feeling so sexual right now. I wish I could kiss Arun. I'm so going to miss him.

I'm feeling:

Aroused at the thought of Arun

Happy

Loving

Focused

I think i'll go down, have a cigarette, then chant, then study.

Love,

Me.

4.13 pm