Journal 8.32 pm on 23.7.2026 the times they are a changing

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up really late. I delayed the smoking of my first cigarette by an hour. Because of the BMC all the cigarette shops were shutting down in the area as I was returning from SeeDhi's house just now.

I ate breakfast, then lunch (which was luchi with torkari-- yum!) and chanted for half an hour. Then I had a bath and left for Zara from where I had to pick up my red trouser that I gave for alteration. I travelled to and fro and was home by 6.

Then Arun called. I was leaving for SeeDhi's house so I couldn't talk to him. I told him that I'll call on Saturday. I wonder if there is space for me in his life. I wonder what he thinks about me these days. I know he is inordinately busy with his work. But does he truly only work? I'm sure he has a social life. So that is why i wonder if there is any place in his heart and mind for me these days. I still love him... not in the urgent passionate way anymore but in a very sure way which tells me that I'll always give him that space in my heart.

There are all sorts of bonds and relationships. For me Arun is special.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Apple store in the morning.

I'll chant and study now.

SeeDhi was optimistic and positive today. I was so happy to see this happy side of hers. I wonder what she thinks about me.

I am feeling:

Slightly irritable

Happy

Loving

A little serious

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I am grateful for abundance of food, shelter and money.

I am grateful to Arun for still being friends with me.

I am grateful for warm loving relationships of mutual trust and admiration.

Love,

Me.

8.48 pm

Journal 1.12 pm on 23.7.2026I dreamt that Arun called

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Arun calls me up and asks whether we could meet on a Saturday but I'm genuinely busy that Saturday. Then I don't remember....

I went to sleep after 4 am last night and woke up well after 11.

Today will not be wasted! Today is a precious day!

I think after lunch I'll go to Zara and collect my trousers and tomorrow I will go get me laptop repaired. Today is about attacking Shakespeare.

I'm feeling so deeply in love with Arun. Why isn't he replying to my messages? I so love him and after my mom I think he has the cutest nose in the whole wide world.

I am feeling:

Happy

So deeply in love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.17 pm

Journal 11.09 pm on 22.7.2026 I have to study and write

Dear Journal,

Arun has not messaged me back and that is kind of making me angsty. I'm not asking him for a relationship, there is simply no pressure on him and yet, he chooses to ignore my messages. I can't help but love him and I'm also not asking anything of him. Then, what's the problem? It's exactly 11.11.

Today DiPan came home in the evening. I had spent all day on ChatGpt till then and not chanted. I also bought a pack of cigarettes and chain smoked. I really want to STOP SMOKING.

Me and DiPan studied faith first. Me and SeeDhi are supposed to lead the study in the upcoming zadankai on Sunday.

I must have troubled Arun so much that he chooses to ignore me!

DiPan urged me to share my experience during the zadankai. I think I'll chant now and write my experience. From tomorrow I HAVE TO STUDY AND PREPARE MY LESSONS.

I spent the whole day just ruminating.

I hope Arun is fine.

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart full of love

Determined 

Geared

I know that I will stop smoking forever some day. I just want to live that day.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.16 pm

Journal 4.39 pm on 22.7.2026 it's Bubul mesho's birthday

Dear Journal,

Today is Bubul mesho's birthday. I wished him on our group.

I woke up rather late this morning-- around 10 o clock-- and smoked a cigarette. Then I went five hours without smoking and have smoked 6 cigarettes till now... lobh kore.

I don't remember my dream from the morning but I do remember thinking that I'm not making as much money as I would like to.

DeJh is a complaint box. He complained that I wasnt so responsive last week. How do I tell him that I need my space and that I can't always be available and that sometimes I'm plain busy. He's so clingy. He is a bit much!

Arun still hasn't responded to my messages. I don't think I'll call him.

I WOULD LOVE TO BE FREE OF THE URGE TO SMOKE.

DiPan will be coming over to chant and study with me.

Also I plan to attack Julius Caesar before going to sleep tonight.

I spend so much time on ChatGpt but it's worthwhile. I learn a lot and stay away from cigarettes. 

I have a feeling that by end November my life will totally turn around and I'll be free from cigarettes too.

These timeline feelings that I have... my life accords with it.

I also spoke to Munima who is in Singapore. I told her to eat properly and to take care of herself.

I look so gloomy and sad.

I think I'll chant a little now and sit with Shakespeare. Shakespeare rocks!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Eager to stop smoking forever

I also made caricatures on ChatGpt. I've been using ChatGpt to make predictions. CHATGPT is pure IQ... so these are intelligent observations about my life. I am learning so much about myself!

I love myself!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4.53 pm

Journal 9.59 pm on 21.7.2026 the whole day went analysing

Dear Journal,

I woke up from the dream this morning and lay down some more till (it's exactly 10 pm) I was alert and all the sleep had left me.

Then as if I was an automaton I walked to the cigarette shop with my phone! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT SMOKING EASILY! If I sit at home and do things right here I feel so claustrophobic. May be I can replace cigarettes with walks.

I feel a deep aloneness, a deep sense of isolation.

I spent all day on AI, analysing my writing style, analysing myself and analysing my birthchart.

DeJh bugged me today by saying cigarette smoking is unacceptable to society! What is really wrong with him! He is so annoying!

I just sort of got off ChatGpt.

I will definitely pore over Shakespeare's Julius Caesar tomorrow.

I must fill my days with hard work. My dream in the morning was so amazing! I also need to chant. May be ten minutes!

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Feet dirty

Sweet

Noble

I must have a never-give up spirit like Daisaku Ikeda and Swami Vivekananda and Mother Teresa! These are my icons.

I forge ahead blazing new trails. I am gifted, I am intelligent, I am pretty. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that my parents, brother and I enjoy good health and good fortune. 

I am grateful for friends.

Love,

Me.

10.13 pm

Journal 4.48 pm on 21.7.2026 bugged with DeJh

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream in the morning that me, Bubul mesho and may be Pa were standing in the balcony of a large wooden house looking out on an expanse of salt pans. Mishu Punjabi was maintaining or keeping the house. I felt happy in the dream and the weather was pleasant.

I then smoked a cigarette and watched Renaissance Tarot. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

DeJh just called to chant the Bhaktamar for me. HE SAID EVERYONE IS ADDICTED TO SOMETHING AND THAT SMOKING IS UNNACEPTABLE TO SOCIETY. Which world is he living in? Doesnt he know that smoking is legal and porn addiction is in fact taboo.

I find him so irritating actually and I wish I didn't. He is the pious devout porn addict.

I some times feel like distancing myself from him but then I have no one to talk to.

And we discuss similar things-- spirituality and religion and dreams. He says that he is plagued by dreams of sex and ill health.

I think I've become quite the celibate. Apart from my anxiety-ridden yearnings I don't watch porn, I don't masturbate... I'm living the celibate life and I'm happy.

Porn addiction is a whole separate challenge and I don't want to go down that road.

It's been a while since I've done yoga. I'll start again from tomorrow. I chanted for about 25 minutes today.

Now I'll sit and do my evening daimoku and Gongyo. Dear Journal, is there any way you can help me QUIT SMOKING? I don't want another person coming into my arena, saying everybody has an addiction. I really really really want to quit smoking. I can't afford to smoke cigarettes anymore.

Now I'll chant and prepare for my lessons. Power to me!

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Slightly irritated with DeJh

Loving

Stiff from lack of movement

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I saw some Arun photos today. He is so cute.

Love,

Me.

5.02 pm

Journal 11.52 am on 21.7.2026 a dream of a Salt pan desert

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was in a salt pan desert. I remember Bubul mesho there and Mishu Punjabi was keeping the house or something.

I was generally enjoying being in the salt pan desert and at some point I thought that I hate doctors completely because they are associated with illness.

I woke up in the morning and smoked a cigarette and chanted for 10 minutes. My periods have started! I even watched Renaissance Tarot.

I shall have a bath and chant some more.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Sweet

Periody

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.58 am