Journal 11.37 am on 28.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that a certain space was out of bounds and I approach a woman cop to get me past it.

Finally I have access to the space. And it turns out that Anuradha De's boyfriend keeps her there.

Then I see myself lying on the ground and a certain lady is getting videographed for a shot.

And a girl with cropped hair keeps telling her that her eyes are splitting. 

Love,

Me.

11.41 am

Journal 9.49 pm on 27.10.2026 im trying

Dear Journal,

I went to sleep rather late last night. I woke up after 12.

I dreamt in the morning that I was dyeing my hair with my fingers. Then later I saw a dream that a palmist was trying to locate circles on my palm and I spotted one circle on his palm on the mount of moon.

I ate lunch. Roti with chicken; and didnt pray after waking up.

Well after 4 I left to go to Maa Studio. I met a guy called V Singh there who smiled at me and started talking with me.

He was telling me about his girlfriend. We spent a good three hours talking. At some point I told him that I have an ex who I still love. And V Singh said: "Lose weight and your ex will fall in love with you again." Hmm... I have become fat. Ive gained 10 kgs in 4 months. 

Then there was another chap. D Singh. He also struck conversation with us. There were two girls working on a script and I wanted to talk to them but they didnt want to talk to us.

So me and V Singh smoked cigarettes and chatted. I had a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. And then I came home.

I even wrote a little of my book today! I could have written more!

I met Twi but she was busy with Mrs Pancholi senior. So I bought three cigarettes and came home. I just finished chanting with Ma and Pa.

Pa told me not to chant in such a nasal tone-- he said that it hurts the ear. Hmm.

1. Something I accomplished.

Wrote a little of my book. Socialised. Spent quality time with Ma and Pa.

2. Something I handled well.

Social life. I need to put in more effort in my book.

3. Something I appreciated.

Ma and Pa and their support of me. Food. Money. Shelter. My blissful sleep. It was good talking to V Singh. I told him that Im looking for a job. He asked me if I want to work as a casting assistant and I said No. He said... Think About It.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I wrote my book. I prayed. I feel like Ive fallen in love with Arun again. I so miss him. He messaged that we would definitely go for a walk this week. I want to kiss his cheek.

5. Something I learnt about myself.

I am a great conversationalist. The Tarot is an icebreaker. I need more focus on my work. And that I cant afford to sleep for such a long time.

6. Something I appreciated about myself.

I am sincere in love. Ive been most loyal towards Arun. And Im really missing him.

I am feeling:

Happy

I feel i smell good today

Full of love for Arun

So grateful to have chanted with Ma and Pa

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.06 pm

Journal 1.18 pm on 27.10.2026 I love Arun

Dearest Journal,

I go to sleep imagining im loving Arun. I wake up imagining Im loving Arun. There is no other guy on my mind. I love love love my Alun.

In the morning I had a dream that I was touching up my hair with dye. I was applying the dye to my whites with my fingers-- something Ill never do in waking life.

I had a more elaborate dream but I dont remember it.

Love,

Me.

1.21 pm

Ps: I also remember someone reading my palm in my dream and looking for circles.

2.30 pm

Journal 11.19 pm on 26.10.2026 I miss Arun

Dear Journal,

Im again down with that ears ringing feeling and at such times I miss Arun inordinately. I love him. I miss him. I so deeply miss him.

Today after lunch I went and sat at Maa Studio.

I met three guys over there out of which two asked for my number, one read my hand with a pen and one of them has been messaging me since. But I havent replied to him messages. I dont want to. He has been sharing photographs of himself and I think that's a little inappropriate.

Then I came home and played with my cards. Then I dunked the cards in my bag and went for the supplementary zadankai.

Dipan and Seedhi didnt have time to play with the cards so i went to Jayanthika's house to do Tarot for her.

Her questions were the obvious ones. And she said she enjoyed the card reading thoroughly.

I miss Arun. I really do. I miss talking to him. I was telling Jayanthika about him. She is just 25! A little girl.

I played with her cat and came home. I really want Arun to call me up soon.

I think after this entry Ill just go down for a short walk.

1. Something I accomplished today.

Relationships.

2. Something I handled well.

Relationships.

3. Something I appreciated. 

My family. ARUN. Jayanthika's independence. All my Gakkai friends. And the free palmistry I got today.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Managing relationships.

I am feeling:

Dry in the Ac

Happy

Agitated

Full of love for Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.28 pm

Journal 1.24 pm on 26.10 2026 a glimmer of a dream

Dear Journal,

Before I woke up I had a lucid dream of staying in a house van with mine and other house vans being parked in a green yard. I saw Arun and Ma in the dream.

Im a little worried about Arun. He said he had a backache. Hed also suffered fractures so Im a little bit worried.

I really love him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Loved

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Ill be leaving to go to Maa Studio after lunch... after two.

Love,

Me.

1.28 pm

Things Ive learnt about myself these 41 years of my life 9.46 pm on 25.10.2026

I was fairly intuitive ever since I can remember. In school I always knew what would happen next and that's what happened.

I remember the day I held my little brother in my arms for the first time. I fell head over heels in love with him.

I never thought I was beautiful because Ma used to call me kutsheet taeda.

It was only when I grew up and men started giving me attention that I felt that may be I am beautiful.

I was a voracious reader. I read all the Ramkrishna Mission literature, all the Somerset Maughams, all the adult books too ever since I was small.

I sexualised at a young age... at the age of three because a man in my building dealt with me inappropriately over a span of weeks.

I fell in love at the age of 12 with Nai. And I was pretty lonely in relationships. Till Arun, and may be G I didnt date guys I particularly loved. Is that everyones experience? I dated because I was so alone. ROko didnt talk much and he never picked up the cheque on any date, I did. Thats why I broke up with him.

Then there was Shyk who would come over for lunch each day and treated me very badly.

These days I feel like a really small person, really diffident, really unsure and I dont know how to feel better.

Ma has always been strict with me. She beat me up a lot when I was small. Last year she cursed me saying, You Will Die a Pauper. I find her particularly toxic. I dont think she really cares about me so much. She has always loved Buro far more.

Ive always had a good relationship with my father. My father has doted on me ever since I was small.

I come from the Royal family of Bengal... Raja Rajballabh Sen's family and I dont really know my extended family. I am also Lal Mohan Sen's great granddaughter. He was a famous artist during Tagore's time and was particularly close to Tagore.

I was particularly close to my maternal grandmother and my paternal grandmother used to tell everyone that she loves me the most. My maternal grandfather was strict. And my paternal grandfather passed away when my father was in college.

My maternal grandfather served in the Indian Ministry of Commerce as a bureaucrat.

I find my father's vision in general a little stinted. I wish he had dreamt larger dreams. And I wish my mother had been gentle and not so aggressive.

I have lofty dreams but I feel so small because of my mother wounds and I dont know how to deal with them. I really want to heal and become a self-actualised person.

How do I feel about myself:

I feel really small and broken. Ive been feeling this way for a really long time. Ive even been in therapy but I dont know if it helped with my self worth.

Journal 8.08 pm on 25.10.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where Arun messages me I Miss You and then I see in the dream that we are broken up. That was my morning dream.

I woke up close to 10 and went for the zadankai... i chanted for more than 35 minutes over there because I was the emcee.

The meeting was alright. We didnt sing the song. SeeDhi cut the meeting before that. AstAro had tears in her eyes while she was talking about her friend and her work.

I came home and chanted for 15 minutes. Then I gave Arun a missed call. And he called me back.

Has he found someone else? 

Then I ate lunch and fell asleep. Life's pretty slow.

Arun and me spoke about the unemployment issue, briefly about CJP, about how this government should go...

Today I felt my feelings for him rushing back. I really miss him. I told him that and he was quiet. I also told him that out of all the guys I like him the most. That was also met with silence.

It's like I sleep, I journal, I chant and I smoke. Everything for me is in the mental plane. I wish I could get some action in but I feel stuck.

Also I mustnt resent Ma. I finished all the pani puris that Sadhya made.

When I was telling Arun about AstAro crying he said the problem is that there is no one to talk to about our problems. I felt him. I heard him.

We discussed the price of veggies. I really love my Arun. I actually love him.

1. Something I accomplished.

A harmonious, vibrant zadankai. Relationships. For some reason Twi ignored me downstairs so I spent time with Hassan's mom and smoked a few cigarettes. May be she didnt want to talk.

I accomplish writing this journal each day. I dont know how beneficial it is.

I also told Arun Im looking for work. And he said hed help me/recommend me.

2. Something I handled well.

Twi's silence. Friendships and relationships. Zadankai. The whole day actually. I had dal rice and fish for lunch.

3. Something I appreciated.

Zadankai, the people, the lunch, my family, Arun. Ive been thinking about Murphy's Law. If something has to go wrong it will. So Arun must be with someone else.

4. Something I did towards my future self.

I wonder how journalling is helping me towards my future. But journalling and praying. 

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.57 pm

Ps: What did I learn about myself today?

I learnt that I feel very diffident and small during the zadankai. That Im an exceedingly softhearted person. And that I still love Arun.

What is actually within my control?

Making time to write and job search. Being good to the people in my life.

What is one thing I will do tomorrow?

Write. And not just my journal.

9.16 pm

Ps2: 1. Something I did well.

I emceed the zadankai. I handled Twi's silence well. I spent time with Ma and Pa.

2. A promise I kept to myself.

I journalled, I chanted, I wore pretty clothes to the zadankai, I bathed, I woke up in time for the zadankai.

3. A moment when I treated myself with respect.

I didnt confront Twi on her silence. I showed my parents love. 

4. Something I like about myself that has nothing to do with achievement or appearance.

Im kind. Im a good conversationalist. Im genuinely interested in people. I love sincerely. I have never cheated on a man or on anybody. I keep moving.

10 34 pm