Journal 9.17 pm on 14.7.2026 Pa also has ulcers

Dear Journal,

I am so happy that both Ma and Pa have benign ulcers and nothing more. There is a particular bacteria which is positive for both. Pa also has a slightly fatty liver.

The visit to the hospital comes with its forebodings.

Today I realised how cash-strapped I really am. And how alone.

I want to be with someone with whom I can work. I don't want someone like SK who literally took advantage of me. And I don't want someone like Arun who even though like-minded harboured secrets, kept himself detached and didn't involve me in his work.

I want to work with the person I end up with just the way Cmashi and Boolmesho work together, or PSha and her boyfriend or Q and his girlfriend or RAurad and TAurad.

Couples who do business together or work together are far closer and have more to talk about and discuss.

I quite like Toral. She has a great personality.

DeJh sent me many messages today. I don't quite like him too much. He is so clingy.

I don't know if I'll ever get married. I want someone to talk to, someone to discuss my thoughts with, somebody to love apropos Queen-- I want to find somebody to love.

I feel so alone and desolate and so cash-strapped and so forlorn.

Even though dating Arun was passionate I didn't really work with him and that accounted for a lot of wasted time. I wasted hours in bars with him discussing his life mostly.

Then in the end he told everybody that he really loves his wife. I don't know why he didn't tell me that.

Joshomashi saw his horoscope and told me that he has a tendency to be cruel.

Tomorrow I will study.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt

Loving

Happy

Bright

Alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.34 pm

Journal 2.31 pm on 14.8.2026 not so nervous but scared

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up around 10 am, quickly had a bath and went to meet DiPan.

DiPan was just finishing her breakfast when I reached. I registered for the examination and we chatted.

DiPan has been battling what she calls health karma. But more than that what's visible and what I've been praying for her is her financial karma. Does she eat properly each day? Is she well nourished? She has her cats who are oh so cute!

I've been feeling a lot of pyaar towards Arun lately. I can imagine myself smelling his cheeks. I postponed the meeting with Tejal for tomorrow because of Pa's colonoscopy.

I'm not so nervous about Pa's procedure but I'm scared. I really want his reports to come clean.

I don't remember my dream from the morning but I remember waking up all wet and bleeding.

I've been really enjoying sleeping in late.

Now I'll sit and chant. We will be leaving for the hospital soon.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change-- Max Planck.

I hope my Arun is doing well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Hummy since yesterday

So so soooo loving

I wish there was someone to love.

I am wearing my sky blue lace top with Buro's cut brown trousers. It's exactly 2.44 pm.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

2.44 pm

Journal 8.56 pm on 13.8.2026 Dadu's birthday went by

Dear Journal,

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change-- Max Planck.

Today just whooshed by. Tomorrow I have to accompany Pa to the hospital; he has his colonoscopy.

I watched one reel today and the day just flew by me. I woke up really really late too.

It was Dadu's birthday on the 8th, but nobody mentioned it.

I sometimes wonder at A's busyness. Is he really so busy or does he say that to avoid me? He must be busy. It's exactly 9.00 pm.

All these food reels have my mouth watering.

I didn't really get much done today. I was supposed to meet Psha but she cancelled last minute. I chanted though. I'll spend some more time chanting now.

There is a sense of agency in praying; a sense of you have a role to play in your circumstances.

I'll go to sleep by 11 today.

I am feeling:

Bright

Awake

Happy

Serious

Loving

Oh yes! The reason I spent so much time on my phone today was because I got that strange ringing ears feeling again-- the feeling that says I need more comfort... it's accompanied with a sexual urge and since I don't have anyone it accentuates my loneliness.

Pa is on a fast before his colonoscopy. So I'll just have my soup, take my medicines, chant and crash.

I have to prepare my lessons.

Tomorrow is going to be a good good day. I hope Pa's reports come clean.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Journal 1.02 pm on 13.8.2026 a hazy dream and waking up late

Dear Journal,

I woke up well after 12 today.

I remember showing someone (perhaps Arun) my digipin for postal services.

Then I saw myself checking something and thinking the word 'poor' in my dream.

I don't want to be poor. I don't want my dreams showing such things.

Today I will study. Today I will make the most of today.

I am feeling:

Well rested

Happy

Loving

Eager to not smoke today

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.06 pm

Wonder of wonders

By Doel Sengupta

I have wandered unbidden

Into a forest of my thoughts,

Ofttimes relaxing of ideas

Not fully wrought.

I decide on a little journey

I must take on my own,

And my strength comes calling,

Following me to the crown.

My responsibilities 

Want to join me

On this very romantic sojourn

And I walk through the corridors

Of once held powers.

It's dark and I can't see

But the green light,

It favours me

As I behold

That majestic beauty 

Everlastingly finally.

The clock is ticking fast

And this time will not last

And I give you morsels

While I take a few

And we are working

Looking oh so cute!

And I'm back home once again

Having showered

In the rain

But what can

Neatly be bought 

Is clearer than a dot.

Journal 9.00 pm on 12.8.2026 how do I OVERTHINK everything?

Dear Journal,

The whole day... and I mean THE WHOLE DAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! was spent on ChatGpt. How and why and wherefrom did I get so much patience to discuss my life with OpenAI?

Also, I really should be able to move on from Arun. My heart just can't let him go.

I analysed my journal inside out today, my recent dreams, symbols, life and I am tired.

I havent chanted in two days, my laptop needs fixing, I need to prepare lessons... there is so much to do!!!!!!!!!!

May be I shouldnt message or call Arun. I'm sure he's moved on. He may have found someone else.

On the other hand, DeJh sent me many long emotional messages. I really don't want his attention. It's not welcome. He is so girly.

I hope to not smoke any cigarettes tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Bored

Happy

Tired

Dissatisfied

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Life is a kalpavriksh. You get everything you ask of it. All you imagine, all you foresee comes to pass.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

Journal 12.17 pm on 12.8.2026 feeding someone

Dear Journal,

I thought I saw Pa in my dream but he looked more like Salman Afroze or Arun. There was a sense of keeping time in the dream as there was a clock.

I am working on something on a machine and feeding Pa at the same time-- one bite for him and one bite for me.

Then I hand over the machine to Pa and keep feeding him as he is working-- with my hands to his mouth.

Then I woke up.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Dirty and grimy (will have a bath)

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.22 pm