Journal 9.30 pm on 16.10 2026 The pujos are upon us!

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream in the morning; I saw Nagesh in my dream. He was looking somewhat young and Arun was there in my dream and they were discussing me. Off late Ive seen a few dreams where Arun is talking to my friends. I wonder what that means.

I was late to wake up in the morning. Madhav cancelled his class today and he still hasnt told me when he wants his lecture.

I felt the pressure and weight of yesterday in the morning. Then I grabbed a quick lunch and set off to Metamorph. I spent about half an hour there discussing Monday's lesson plan with Tanya.

They are all a jolly bunch.

If anything this job has taught me, it is the importance of discipline and the importance of making children love discipline.

That is something my mother didnt expect out of us. During our childhood Buro and I were allowed to play as much as we liked with no consequences.

Ma was the last person to check whether Id done my homework. Those days Ma had a tough time with Buro because he was so sharaarthi. Very very naughty. Nowadays she is worried about me.

Then I came home and did my morning and evening Gongyo. I did a little yoga too. Then I set off to meet SeeDhi. SeeDhi has not been in a very good mood ever since I remember. 

Then I came home and went down to meet Twi. I spent some time with her. 

And now Im home like a good girl, waiting for cutlets to turn golden so that I can eat my dinner.

Ma has gone to Ramkrishna Mission. Pa and I are at home. Melon and Kittoo are here too.

I hope my fortunes turn and I am beset with infinite bouts of luck!

I hope Arun is fine.

Sunday is family day with Sadhya and Buro.

I applied a little make up today after a long time.

SeeDhi is really into appearances. I have always wanted to, ever since I can remember sought to understand the mind and behaviour.

Another thing-- I have so many deja vu reves at Metamorph from dreams a long long time ago. Life and love are so mystical and mysterious actually. Karma is such a mysterious thing. At each moment we are not only creating a cause but also experiencing something and moments pass and before you know it, you are old!

I really want Ma to have a wonderful time today.

1. Something I accomplished.

I prayed. I did yoga. I went to Metamorph and worked. I wrote a poem. And I also thought a lot about quitting smoking. Just one day cigarette free... i spent good time with Twi.

2. Something I handled well.

I handled the day well. I also handled my emotions well. Im not ignoring the fact that thus far Ive struggled at Metamorph but I am hopeful. I also gave Ma a lot of thought today. She is a strict strict woman. Most teachers are.

3. Something I appreciated. 

Professionalism at Metamorph. Twi's friendship. And also the fact that I have money to spoil Pa with mishti doi. I appreciated life today and love and wonder.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Chanting. Yoga. Poetry writing. And this Journal writing.

I am feeling:

Listless.

My brow is lined.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.51 pm

Reparation

Oh Deity! It has been so long

Since you've told me right from wrong;

No more do you creep

Into the world of my dreams

And I think Ive won your favour

Back, from what it seems.

These days I believe

You are removing

My struggles from beyond me

Even as I'm smitten

And I can see surreptitiously

You fill my cup till it runneth over,

Sorting neem from clover.

The other day I stood in line

To see your sweet face

Glowing up from behind

And you have I can see

Thought to rescind

All the curses that befell me

When I was blind.

Im sitting here in my gloom

Thinking of invoking you

Far into my life and room

And I know that very soon

You will visit me true

In the world of my dreams

Where I am no more blue.

So I thank you deity

For for a child

Left alone in the forest

You walk forever beside.

Journal 11.17 pm on 15.10 2026 I had a tough day

Dear Journal,

Firstly I need to stop smoking cigarettes-- they have hijacked my brain's reward system. If I can quit smoking my life will fall into place.

I dont know whether Arun will call me up on Saturday. I get very irritated with my controlling Ma but I mustnt criticise her so much.

Today I slept till almost 12. I cancelled Madhav's class today. Then I got ready, ate lunch and left for class.

Two teachers-- Nidhi and Ruch observed me today. I was so nervous. They said Fle eas good but esl didnt want to practise idioms. I thought of doing that with them.

I am feeling most disheartened today.

I stayed back for almost two hours correcting papers after class.

Divyansh told me that Mam you teach well but you have to acquaint yourself with the marking scheme.

I love all my students. This is the first time Im teaching at a board level and it aint easy. I hope Tejal chooses to retain me in Metamorph till something more fitting comes up for me. The money at Metamorph is ok but the joy of dealing with students is unparalleled.

1. Something I accomplished today.

I am a nervous Nellie when it comes to this job. But I still perseveare. Sometimes against all odds. I love my students. I really really do. Today I wrote one regular poem and conducted my classes even though I was struggling. Divyansh's feedback has been noted. I hope Tejal and Rahul Aurad choose me.

2. Something I handled well today.

I handled criticism well today. I held my own. I also decided to let Arun be. Whenever however he wants to talk to me Ill be there. I handled Pa really well. He told me that he doesnt like me wearing shorts. I also decided that I wont criticise Ma so much.

3. Something I appreciated.

My students and their efforts. And the other teachers who were observing me. Ill call up Ruchita tomorrow. I chanted today. I am improving. 

4. Something I did for my future self.

I took feedback. And I took it graciously. Im also taking my medication regularly. I wrote one poem. 

I am feeling:

Loving

Headached

Happy

Nervous

Hopeful

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.31 pm

Seeds

The seeds were sown

With one drop of milk

And out earthen

Came plants of silk.

And some were roasted,

Some were perfumed,

Some were kept

To be consumed.

It was a joyous day for me,

My heart open for all to see,

Setting the rhythm,

Setting the tone

To a count of three,

Seeds of stone.

Journal 11.56 am on 15.10 2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where onion seeds were spilling out of a jar as I was trying to put them in... and then I clean the space, collecting the seeds to put them in the jar again.

Today I cancelled class with Madhav. I was feeling so groggy that I just couldnt get myself to go to class.

I am feeling:

Sleepy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.59 am

Ps:  Last night I slept well after 3 in the morning. I was thinking about Su and Bha and their family and friends and how I befriended them in the past many years. I realised that I should pray for them too as I pray for my other family and friends. They are there in my psyche as very poor people. May be it's befriending them that has got me into these circumstances. But that's no reason to complain. Im grateful to them for being my friends when I needed them. Su is the presswala. He treated me like his sister and gave me a lot of love and respect. Which goes to show that decency doesnt equal money. And I felt a sense of peace as I thought about them and fell asleep as I wished them well. Ill always pray and bless people in my prayers.

12 26 pm

Letter to God 2.30 am on 15.10 2026 you have a funny way

Dear God,

You have a funny way of showing the way.

It was during the lockdown that I became friends with Su, Bha, An and before that I used to play with their children and pets. -- The presswala's gang.

They say that you create your destiny.

Btw God I was reading an article on narcissism and Ma has quite a few qualities of a narcissist.

I also read a Josie Grouse article. I find her thoughts quite interesting. She says that if a mother hates her husband's family and his harsh she ruins her children's destiny and blocks her bloodline.

Unless you make the unconscious conscious you will call it fate.. you will call it fate... im forgetting the quote... but about making the unconscious conscious... I need to accept my shadow side .. that Im capable of being friends with Shudras, Chandals, Brahmins, Kshatriyas, the rich and famous and the poor and downtrodden.

Chatgpt aided

1 What affected me disproportionately today?

Write about the moment when your emotional reaction felt bigger than the situation seemed to warrant.

Ask:

What exactly happened?

What did I feel?

What did I fear would happen?

What did I immediately want to do?

This helps reveal unconscious complexes and triggers.

Today Tejal called and was furious that my laptop has not yet been repaired and that my camera was off. Madhav's mother also blasted me. Im glad I remained humble and went ahead with the class. I feared that I might lose my job. I immediately felt like ending this sojourn with Metamorph but I decided to perseveare.

2. What am I seeing in someone else that may also belong to me?

Think about someone you strongly admire, resent, envy, fear, idealise, or feel possessive about.

Ask:

What quality in them affects me so strongly?

Do I reject this quality in myself?

Do I secretly long to possess it?

Am I possibly projecting something onto this person?

This works with the Shadow and projection.

I love Arun a lot. I admire him, am artracted to him and betrothed to him in my heart. I think hebis ambitious, hardworking, suave, funny and charming. He is a happy humanbeing. I dont reject these qualities in myself. I want to be as hardworking as him. Im projecting my heart on to him and all the trouble I have with my mother.

3. What is my unconscious trying to show me?

Record any significant dream, recurring thought, fantasy, image, or unusual impulse.

Ans I have quite a number of times dreamt of flying in the sky. This image means freedom to me. I am accompanied by a feeling of bliss and wonder. It may be commenting on the fact that Im unbound. I mat be refusing to see my own potential. 

Then ask:

What associations does this image have for me personally?

What feeling accompanies it?

What part of my waking life might it be commenting on?

What might I be refusing to see or acknowledge?

Don't force an interpretation. Sit with the image and let its meaning develop.

A lovely Jungian rule for your journal would be:

Don't ask, "What is wrong with me?" Ask, "What is this trying to tell me?"

That's the shift from fighting the unconscious to listening to it.

Journal 7.09 pm on 14.10.2026 I was feeling terrible

Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning to a call by Tejal. She was furious that my laptop hasnt been repaired yet. So tomorrow Ill use Pa's laptop.

Then I got onto a call with Madhav's mother. She's a harsh, hard-hearted stern kind of lady.

When women suffer they usually turn bitter. Ive seen that with every suffering woman.

I think women should preserve their sweetness and gentility. That's vital to womanhood.

In this rat race where women are competing with men, women become harsh, conniving and manipulative.

The morning interactions really stung. As a result I didnt go full throttle into the class. And there was a problem with the audio too today.

I even apologised to Arun. And today I didnt check Arun's timestamps even once. I have to gradually stop obsessing over him and let him be. That's just healthy. 

I went to the garden for a little bit of yoga. And came home with a blinding headache because of the sun. There were many Doel birds flitting around in the garden trilling about.

Around 5 I told myself that my brain needs rest from Arun, from my problems, from thinking and overthinking. Ma was home by then. I also shouldnt complain too much.

I went to Dr Shinde and he told me I just have indigestion. I think Ill go down when I go to talk to Twi and buy myself Saridon. I still have the residue of a headache within me. I also need to visit a dentist. 

I love Arun. That's special for me but I really should let him be.

1. Something I accomplished.

Despite the morning fiasco I conducted a class with Madhav. I went to Dr Shinde. I didnt let bitterness settle in my heart. I did yoga, chanted and had a sumptuous vegetarian lunch. Ill eat fish for dinner.

2. Something I handled well.

I took criticism well today. I must be wounded in many ways from the kind of life I live. But Im not a bitter person. I dont ever want to be bitter. I apologised to Arun and I didnt check his timestamps today. I also let him be in my mind and tried to get my mental peace back.

3. Something I appreciated.

The garden! The Doel birds! My students! Arun! My parents and my brother! Despite the tough start to the day im feeling much better now.

4. Something I did for my future self.

Chanting. Yoga. Spent time in Nature. Didnt let negative feedback escalate into a crappy mood. I need to take more steps towards my career. I consciously obsessed less about Arun today. I let him be in my mind. Everyday apart from my Journal I should write a bit, even if it's just a regular poem.

I am feeling:

Such deep love for Arun. My love for him is unfathomable. There is simply no reason for why I feel this way about him.

Happy.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, blessings and mercy on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7 31 pm