Journal 9.46 pm on 2.7.2026 a confusing day

Dear Journal,

I distinctly remember seeing a dream in the morning that SayDas was in my dream explaining to someone (mostly Krao) that something (may be cigarettes) is my coping mechanism.

I woke up in the morning and was all gung ho to quit cigarettes so I had a cola. I had five colas and eight cigarettes through the day.

I did not chant or do yoga in the morning in stead I meditated. I was feeling so restless.

Work was good. I stayed away from my phone and got quite a few leads.

However, AfShe was pretty itritable and said something like I dont know how to speak English. AfShe who cant write a single phrase in English properly! In the same breath he argued that I should think of teaching English at his institute and he asked me how much pay I would want. Stupid guy! I asked him to pay me my dues and he did and I told him I'm not coming back. I think it's good riddance.

I came home to Ma watching reels on her phone.

DeePan and AstAro came home and we chanted. BEore that GaMo and NimNa came home for Ma.

Deepan explained the spirit of contribution and how our Sgi magazine started.

All evening I felt a ringing in my ears as if I was about to start hallucinating. It left me feeling so disturbed!

AstAro asked me to challenge something in my prayers.  After the whole meeting I want to chant more.

Now I think I'll take a bath and chant.

May I quit smoking cigarettes.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Better after writing this entry. The ringing in my ears has stopped.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.58 pm

Journal 9.24 pm 1.7.2026 I quit smoking

Dear Journal,

It's been over 3 hours and I havent smoked a cigarette. I went to meet SeeDhi and didnt smoke before or after. In fact, I had a pani puri and doodh roti.

I hope I can keep up the momentum. Im determined to. I think I'll have a cola now and call it a night.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love, 

Me.

9.28 pm

Journal 1.58 pm on 1.7.2026 an anxious feeling

Dear Journal,

Ma's birthday is 2 weeks away!

Last evening I sat and chanted with Ma and Pa for about 40 minutes and as I was chanting all my misdeeds caught up with me and I was overpowered with guilt and the fear of losing my parents.

All of a sudden I felt that a higher power is trying to connect with me and I got so scared about losing my mind again that I told Pa how I was feeling and completely broke down.

I messaged NiJa and today in the morning I messaged Dhawale and also Arun (just to talk to him).

In the morning I woke up from a dream that I dont remember. I felt a kind of sexual urge and felt so depressed because of that because there is nobody to love at the moment.

I lay down eyes shut and decided to bunk work. DeJh messaged that I should really make more money. I dont know why he bothers so much about me.

I'm feeling much better now. I think I'll start a five to six minute gratitude practice in the morning.

I'll eat my lunch now and sit in gratitude and chant for a bit. It never comes about that a prayer to the Lotus Sutra goes unanswered! That is what they say.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Gloomy from this gloomy rainy weather

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2.07 pm

Journal 7.13 pm 30.6.2026 a better day

Dear Journal,

I woke up all restless from a dream I had in the morning but I don't remember the dream. There was a sort of heartache, a heaviness in the chest.

I chanted, meditated, did a few asanas and then made myself breakfast.

I went to pray at the Jain Temple. That considerably altered my mood.

I got a place to sit in the bus and was in office soon. It's rained all day.

Work was much better than Saturday. If not anything this job has taught me to be methodical and has put me back in the groove to work. I look forward to the future with hope.

I spoke to DeJh on the phone today and generally did my work. Working from 11 to 6 non-stop is no mean feat.

I think I'll go to the temple now and pray.  Then chant and sleep.

Love,

Me.

7.18 pm

I am feeling:

Happy 

All day long my heart was filled with love. It's feeling more sedate now.

Wet 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

7.19 pm

Journal 9.51 am 30.6.2026 anxiety

Dear Journal,

Last night my ears rang so. I was feeling so anxious and taken over by my circumstances that I went to sleep early.

I woke up around 8 today feeling restless. I chanted for just five minutes, did 7 minutes of belly breathing and two yogasanas.

I hope to have a good day today. I went to the Jain temple to pray though.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Not anxious at the moment.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.54 am

Ps: These days of strife wont continue for much longer. I know that. It's so good going and praying at the Jain temple.

Journal 8.38 pm on 29.6.2026 a day of missing

Dear Journal,

Today was a day of missing A inordinately. I gave him a call and he called back. And we spoke for barely a minute!

I just got relieved from my wd meeting. DeePan spoke about The Power of One. How one person's determination can alter the destiny of many.

When I spoke about struggling at work Kamini told me to be resolute in my prayers and to not give up on praying on even a single prayer.

I think I'll study a bit now and then sleep.

Writing letters to myself really helped today.

I feel my ears ringing from all the noise outside. 

Today I got a call from a coaching institute to train their students in English. I have to be well-prepared for it. Grateful for every opportunity I get. Even the one with AfShe. I'm learning so much!

Nothing is super enthralling. Life is moving on.

Today DeJh wanted to come home after 7 but I was in my meeting. I'm so happy I attended the wd meeting.

DiPan has been struggling with ill health. PSha came. Suma was there. It was all so wonderful.

I am feeling:

Awakened

Alert

Bright

A little deadpan

Now I'll chant and study.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.46 pm

A letter to my 30-year-old self 6.36 pm 29.6.2026

Dear Dodoburi,

Look how far you've come! You just quit Dna which was the most rewarding experience of your life. You dated G over there who you thought you were in love with. But you would just not make do with him today. So whatever happens happens for the best.

Even though you lost Arun years later the period was the most memorable of your life!

I'm sorry I put you in a spiral of cigarettes, sex, drugs and alcohol.

Youve been sober from alcohol for about 2 months now. You havent smoked a cigarette in over two hours!

Hold on! Youve kicked the butt!

The cigarettes caused your imagination to go beserk!

I'm sorry you had meltdowns on social media and suffered from delusions and hallucinations?

What can I do to ease the pain? One is that I can take the pills for the rest of my life and I can be sober.

Sobriety is the aim!

Love,

Me.

6.43 pm