Journal 2.50 pm on 20.8.2026 who am I kidding?

Dear Journal,

I wake up with thoughts about Arun. All day long he sits in my mind rent free. Who am I kidding? I'm terrible at being just friends with him. I want to be in a relationship with him.

I fantasize about him-- imagine kissing his nose. I love him so darned deeply. And I want just him-- nobody else.

But I dont think he is in the same place as me. He doesnt call me. Doesnt say he misses me.

I think... I think... I never lied when I told him that I love him more. I want to make love to him. I really do. That's one of my deepest desires.

Yesterday my cigarette guy flagged me off and said that I'm smoking too many cigarettes and I should try to cut it down to just one after every meal. That's a good idea!

And everytime I miss Arun I have the song I wrote for him playing in my head... on loop.

Arun is sho cute. He is sho shweet. He is such an avoidant. I want my Arun back!!!! That would just make my life!

He has the capacity to be really rude and mean and cruel.

I am feeling:

So deeply in love with Arun.

Eager to make the most of today.

Happy

Loving

Daydreamy

Lazy

Concerned

How busy is he really?

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

3.00 pm

Journal 11.20 am on 20.8.2026 seeing a leopard in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw myself sitting on a high place in Matheran. I saw a locale that I have oft seen in my dreams.

And a forested area not far away where there is a leopard that is very mildmannered.

I get off from the high place and get on to Ground Zero but I think I could have and I should have gone from my high place to the high forested area.

I saw Ma in my dream. She was the one who urged me to sit on high.

I am going down to do yoga. I woke at 11 today.

I am feeling:

Happy

Mildly missing Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.25 am

Ps: I also saw in my dream that I'd called up Aman K and he was really sweet to me over the phone.

I'm really missing Arun now. I really really really love my A.

12.04pm

Nettle

The nettle on the runway piked

And that left me oh so psyched. 

It's been ages since I saw your face

As with thoughts of you my heart does race.

Your sweat smells like golden dew

And I subliminally pick up the cues

That you are very near, not far away

And saying that I seize the day.

Journal 10.43 pm on 19.8.2026 Ive been thinking a lot about Arun

Dear Journal,

I messaged Arun and he called me up in the evening. I really really really want to smell his nose and kiss his nose. I find him so delectable and so attractive. I feel like Ive fallen in love with him once again. I dont know what triggered these feelings! I havent even seen him in a long time. May be distance does make the heart grow fonder.

Everytime I feel sexually aroused all I think about is him. No other man comes to mind. I find him so attractive! And I feel so loyal towards him. It's almost like sometimes I pine for him as I'm building my life.

He thought I was teaching online. But I'm not. I love my shonapie Arun like so friggin deeply... what should I do with these feelings?

I spent the whole day looking for some Renaissance videos but none were available.

I corrected Kshirja's paper. And just spent time on my phone today.

Pa has bought himself new tennis shoes. I love my parents. Ma said something annoying today about cleaning my bathroom. Really I wish she wasnt so shongshari. I wish she just took a chill pill and let things be. The last thing she is is cool!

SaSo messaged me today, saying that he wants to meet me. He is such an orthodox Jewish guy. Since he'll be vegetarian because he is kosher I think we will go to ARC.

I wish Arun would want to meet me. My cutest Arun. The colour of his skin is so deep, and his sweat smells royal and he is so darned intelligent! I love him!

I am feeling:

Deeply in love

Well rested

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

I did not chant today. I didnt do yoga.

Love,

Me.

10.58 pm

No tree can reach till heaven unless its roots reach down till hell -- Carl Jung

Journal 11.55 am on 19.8.2026 so much missing

Dear Journal,

I remember seeing a dream but I dont remember the dream.

I woke up feeling such a longing to kiss Arun. I really miss him inordinately. I miss him maximum.

It'll be really presumptuous to give him a call. It's been a while since I smelled him.

Now I have to correct Kshiraja's paper.

I am feeling:

Oh so sexually aroused by the thought of A

Missing A a lot

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.00 pm

Journal 11.31 pm on 18.8.2026 self fulfilling expectations

Dear Journal,

Most of life is uncertain. We make a lot of assumptions in life about our future which is unpredictable. 

At the end of last year or early this year I had written about my expectations from this year. I think most of it has come to pass.

Today I spoke with AAlam and had meetings with SeeDhi and TAurad.

If we just focus on the doable and show up in life, life is manageable and not overwhelming.

With learning to say No we should also learn to say Yes to the right things.

Like my students. I never feel that I'm prepared enough! But when I see their faces each Monday my heart literally melts. They warm my soul.

Today SeeDhi said something very beautiful. What she said was: IF WE ARE SINCERE AND COMMITTED TO OUR PURPOSE WE WILL SUCCEED. That is right. I dont give so much credence to sincerity but that's all it takes to be successful. She is right.

Everytime I've succeeded it's when work didn't feel like work and the more I did it, the better it felt.

So every now and then I think I'll review my expectations.

SeeDhi keeps telling me to find someone and settle down. I'm not an average girl and it would take somebody phenomenal for me to commit like that.

Ma just came back from a movie.

It's 11.44 exact.

My expectations:

I expect that Metamorph wont let me go and I'll end up working there way way way longer than I expect.

I expect that I will meet people who will respect my boundaries around sexual exploitation.

I expect to have a lifelong relationship with TAurad and my students.

I expect my financial woes to get over by the end of this year.

I expect to make many beautiful friends in life.

I expect that Arun will stay in my life and will be a seminal part of my emotional story and emotional growth. 

I expect 2027 to be a blockbuster year for me in every way.

I expect good fortune and good health for me and my loved ones. 

I expect to never stop praying and to always chant.

I expect life to get more beautiful with each passing day.

I expect to form unbreakable bonds with my students and really inspire them.

I expect life to become phenomenal.

I am feeling:

A chilly chicken craving

Happy for Arun. May he always succeed.

Hungry 

Positive

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Expect the unexpected.  Expect the world for yourself.  Forgive from the deepest core of your being. And love unapologetically. Expect something awesome to happen everyday and it will.

Love,

Me.

12.00 am

Journal 5.51 pm on 18.8.2026 what cost me

Dear Journal,

I was reading how rejecting Harvey Weinstein and people like him cost senior actresses their careers.

I know that people like ShuBha, Ssk, sk, PraNag, AnkGau, SahSe, AnkMi, ShuTi and many men may have sullied my reputation. Now there is RaTi. He has been calling me up almost everyday. And today I just ignored his calls!

It's not just that. There is also of course my health. But I feel trapped in a corner. If I get out of this corner and mingle with men I feel that I will have to circumvent a lot of toxicity.

I am not going to sleep around.

I've been in toxic relationships. And that does not feel good. Even Arun was toxic in a way but for a huge amount of time he treated me with respect and I'll never forget that.

What kind of people treat their bodies like commodities? May be people who are deeply scarred, deeply hurt, deeply lonely....

I've been scarred, hurt and I've never felt more lonely in my life. And that has caused me to go into this coccoon from where I will have to fly out at some point, a glorious butterfly.

My students could have been my children! Yesterday I was telling the Grade 8 batch about relationships at my age. I don't think they understood. And I didn't harp on it too much because I didn't want to be flagged off for speaking the inappropriate.

Out of the Grade 8 batch Anora is the most intelligent. Kyra is bubbly and cute. Danika is so naughty and giggly. And Lakshit! He is a sample piece.

I'm quite enjoying teaching. 

To a much much much better tomorrow!

I am feeling:

Happy

Solemn

Very present

Well rested

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

6.10 pm