Journal 4.26 pm on 19.7.2026 have to deal with this feeling

Dear Journal,

I kept the alarm for 7.30 but woke up a little before 8.15. I don't remember my dream from the morning.

My student was here by 8.30 but he came up around 8.45. He makes mistakes while speaking. I took his class till 10 am.

Then I had a cigarette. The wd meeting was amazing! The experiences were astounding, proving that whatever you pray for gets answered.

Priyasha is doing so well in her play performance according to her Status update. I am so happy for her! She has got amazing reviews.

There has been a mild feeling of emptiness related to Arun. I wish we had never broken up but I think my mental health was too much for him to handle. Also the relationship is unacceptable to Ma and Pa and to society. It's 4.33 pm exactly right now.

Then we went for Gaatha's annaprashana. She touched a pen! She is so so so cute! She has her mother's apple cheeks and those beautiful tiny eyes! She is so beautiful!

I didn't really have much to say to anybody through the ceremony and kept to myself. I've had about 8 cigarettes so far.

A little before 3 I caught a rickshaw and left from there and came home to a smooth cup of tea and then a dazzling cup of coffee. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO QUIT SMOKING.

Instead of clicking pictures Pa clicked small one-second videos of the WD meeting.

There was golda chingdi for lunch! I didn't eat too much. I met Shomjukta mashi's mom who said I'm so tall.

I also took a peek into Ma's diary. Her diary is filled with me.

Is it alright that I still love Arun so very much? It's exactly 4.44 pm.

Ma loves me so much even though she has a taciturn and stern way of exhibiting it. I love my parents.

On my way back I received messages from TejAuradkar about tomorrow's classes. She has asked me to deal with the student's writing assignments tomorrow. When it comes to Literature I get intimidated with teaching but writing I can definitely teach!

I'm getting a mild acidity attack at the moment. All the golda chingdi seems to be coming out of my throat!

DeJh sent me messages saying I'm one of his favorite people. I find his affections annoying actually because I don't think I'll ever reciprocate them. He is so clobby and short! He is inordinately kind!

Now I'll do my evening Gongyo and Daimoku and then prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

I'm wearing my long black dress. It's exactly 4.55 pm at the moment.

A little effort goes a long way! I'm happy that I got to spend time with so many lovely people today!

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart filled with love

Pretty (Ma says my skin has become bad. I think I'll purchase Glutathione today!)

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my students and all the people I work with.

I am grateful for friends and family.

Love,

Me.

5.00 pm

Journal 8.33 pm on 18.7 2026 situationship

Dear Journal,

It's been a while since someone has really seen me. There is a dearth of decent guys and the ones who are cute are taken. Like Arun for example!

I do love him. I still do. But he is married! And I dont want to go back to that situationship. He seems to love his wife. Love is such a dicey thing it seems. And from all his talk it seems that extramarital affairs are the norm.

Ma is in much better health.

I havent really chanted properly for the last two days. I also have to prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

Ive been sleeping so deeply that I dont hear the alarm in the morning. My days are just swooshing past.

My laptop is giving me a lot of trouble. I really hope to see it up and functioning.

I'll chant now and prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

Bored

Determined to quit smoking

Alone

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.44 pm

Journal 4.04 pm on 18.7.2026 I need work

Dear Journal,

Last night I ordered chilly chicken for myself. Ive smoked 5 cigarettes today. I wont smoke no more.

Today I woke up around 8.30. By 11 both Ma and I were out of the house and on our way to Zara.

I bought two dresses, one top and a pair of trousers that I gave for alteration.

On the way back there was a really cute guy in the Metro. I've started checking guys out.

My life feels so empty.

I need to fix my laptop.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love.

Sombre.

Determined to quit smoking.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love, 

Me.

4.10 pm

Journal 8.29 pm on 17.7 2026 quit day

Dear Journal,

I've set my quit date as tomorrow. It turns out I smoke because of boredom and loneliness.

Tomorrow Ma and I plan to go to Phoenix Marketcity to the Zara store to avail of my voucher.

Yesterday I sent a presumptuous message to Arun. I really miss him. I wonder what he feels about my feelings for him.

Melon and Kat are home.

It's so hot. It was gloomy all day but it barely rained. It's 8.33 at the moment.

I think I'll chant a bit and then eat dinner and sleep. It's so beautiful to see Melon and Kit relaxing.

You know Arun still calls me Baby everytime we talk. I find that so endearing.

I WILL NOT SMOKE. I AM FREE OF THE ADDICTION OF SMOKING. I AM A FREE BIRD.

I am feeling:

Happy

Feet dirty

Loving

Bored

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.37 pm

Reasons to quit smoking 6.55 pm on 17.7.2026

- I want to be sober

- I want to be free of addiction

- I want good health

- I want to save money

- I want to be sober like Ma

- I want better skin and better looks

- I want better breath

- I want better body odour

- I want inclusiveness at my place of work

- I want better lung and heart health

- I want to quit smoking to save time

Journal 4.06 pm on 17.7 2026 what do I want

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up from a dream where I was smoking in a park. The morning went in the SIR registration.

Then I watched some videos on YouTube amongst which was a Ted Talk about asking yourself the question What Do I Want?

So I asked myself the question.

The answers that came to mind:

I want money.

I want to quit smoking.

I want to inspire and motivate people.

I want to be famous.

I want Arun.

Asking yourself this question is so important. I would never have realised that I want to inspire and motivate people. This gives me far more clarity.

I am feeling:

Motivated

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Iove, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4.13 pm

One small action I can take towards what I want:

I want money. -- Repair my laptop and apply for wfh jobs.

I want to quit smoking.-- JUST STOP

I want to inspire and motivate people. -- Cherish each life in front of me

I want to be famous.-- Do work that brings recognition

I want Arun.-- stay in touch

5.11 pm

Journal 10.44 pm on 16.7.2026 affirmations

Dear Journal,

Today was spent going up and down preparing documents for SIR.

I spent the day reading up on affirmations. I smoked a little. I even spoke to Arun.

It's been a sober day. I bumped into Veronica, a devout Christian.

Tomorrow better be more fruitful.

I am feeling:

Good

Pumped up with colas

I really want to stop smoking.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.48 pm