Journal 30.9.2024 9.23 pm

Dear Journal,

It's been a full and final day. I spent the day promoting my Tarot services. I spoke to Giku over the phone for my article. I will meet him in November.

Tatum is getting married in December and Pa urged me to accompany them.

The day was spent busily. But I did not make a schedule today. I haven't for the past many days.

Shu Ti called. We had a bit of Brandy together. Then we went to Kis Kon and sat.

I may be wrong but there is a little bit of hesitancy from the other side. May be people are on their own trip.

I thought a lot about Arun. I know he has many grievances against me.

I got a call for another audition on Wednesday.

I shall pedicure properly tomorrow, prepare my lines and give it my best shot.

I also have two Tarot clients tomorrow. Plus the call with Bu, who is very very tired today.

I'll also have to call Kuny tomorrow.

I miss Arun a lot. I'll always love him from the bottom of my being.

I spoke to Pa today and spent some time watching the India vs Bangladesh match.

I had a Maggi at Kis Kon.

I shall bathe now, eat dinner, pray, study my lines and sleep. Also I'll make a nice schedule for tomorrow.

It's all about being positive and facing life as optimistically as possible.

I feel:

Love

Happy

Hopeful

Determined

Interesting

Beautiful 

Careful

Ambitious

Creative

Hardworking

Friendly 

I am grateful that I woke up today after my recurring dream. I don't know what it means.

I am grateful for my Shona Ma and Shona Pa.

I am grateful that opportunities are flooding my life.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for all the people in my life across the three existences. 

I am grateful for all of life's experiences.

I am grateful for my Tarot clients.

I am grateful for my optimistic, hopeful state of mind.

I am grateful for Bu, Sadhya, Melon and Kity. 

I am grateful for Arun and the growth he has brought about in me. You only know your lover when you let him go.

I am grateful for the small shot of Brandy I had today.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the good night's sleep ahead and my sweet dreams.

Love,

Me.

9.38 pm

Journal 29.9.2024 11.07 pm

Dear Journal,

The days are just whooshing past me and I'm putting my best foot forward.

Yesterday I met Nidhi after a long time and then S Kum who told me he is gay. I treated him to noodles and generally just spoke to him.

In the end it's about being nice to everyone.

Today I went for the audition. S Kum told me there are other contenders. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Then I went and spent time with A Ghosh for his song. There too I put in a lot of effort. He was happy with the result and I hope this song turns out to be exemplary.

Then I met A Alam and Shar.

A Alam told me that I was not giving him any attention. Huh? What did he expect?

I told him that I was excruciatingly tired and needed food and rest.

Mainly I missed Arun a lot over the past few days.

That there is no forgiveness forthcoming hurts.

That there is a parting drives a shard of glass through the heart. 

Out of all the hurtful things my sweet Arun has ever told me that he doesn't love me anymore was the most painful to bear.

I've been an abominable bitch to him.

I miss his tuft of white hair, his bewitching smile, the smell of his skin, his endearing conversations a lot. I'll always love him.

He is a married married man and I'm very hurt.

I've been thinking about life. Ma presents her own set of problems to me. Pa also does.

I love my parents and there is no room to be shallow.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've lost myself in dreams and been negative.

I think I'm in a space where I am actively choosing to adopt a more positive mindset and respecting everyone.

I really regret some of the things I've said and done. At the end of the day it's about having a healthy ego.

Tomorrow I have to work on the article, the song and the novel.

I was out for over 13 hours today and I'm fagged.

I am feeling:

Tired

Heavy-headed

Pained

Loving

Compassionate 

Eager

Hopeful

A little scared

I am grateful that my days are busy.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for brains and beauty.

I am grateful for having had Arun in my life. I feel that I really grew in this period and I'm grateful to him and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for the money I am earning. (I hope to pay Arun back as soon as possible.)

I am grateful for prayers I incant.

I am grateful for D Ikeda's books.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents.

I am grateful for Buro, Sadhya, Melon and Kit Kat.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life across the three existences. 

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I am grateful for all my Tarot clients.

I am grateful for my palms. They are beautiful. 

Love,

Me.

11.33 pm

Journal 26.9.2024 4.55 pm

Dear Journal,

Ever since A and I broke up I finally have an evening to myself.

I first met P Kum but I didn't like his advances and I've stopped talking to him.

Meeting S kum and all the other people through him, including Sha and A Alam, Shu Ti and others has been good. It's good to feel welcomed by friends.

A Alam and Shu Ti are very good boys. It feels rejuvenating to sit with them and chat about politics, life, work and relationships.

Yesterday Na Bh said let's watch a movie together and we saw Not Today together. I liked the movie, he didn't.

Later, we sat and had a coffee together and Na Bh gave me a piece of his mind. That kind of put things together and brought peace to me.

I am so grateful for my friends.

Ma has also been pleasant and Pa is pessimistic but healthy and fine.

I got offered the lead role in a movie that was about sexual violence. Na Bh said that I should do the movie. The casting agent was persistent. He said he wanted me and nobody else to do the film. But there were semi nude scenes and I rejected the film. I thought of Pa. How would he be able to watch the movie?

I also got a job offer that I rejected because they said I can't do anything else while doing the job-- no books, no movies, no freelancing.

I met Ra Maj who said "please please work with me." This is his umpteenth offer and I'm all up for it.

The Tarot readings are going slowly.

I have to finish my football article and since I'm not stepping out today, I'll spend the whole evening writing.

I met Sonal today. She is so pleasant and so intelligent. I love her.

C Jung says that a person will know no success unless he or she faces the darker side of his or her psyche and embraces it.

"Misfortune comes from one's mouth and fortune comes from one's heart," said Nichiren.

"Complaint erases good fortune and gratitude increases good fortune," said D Ikeda.

I've been reading Creative Family by D Ikeda and I spoke to Sonal about it. She invited me to a Waldorf meeting. Let's see if I can go.

Understanding myself means embracing my darkest Truths. I do sometimes behave rudely and sometimes I whine and sometimes I get lost in delusions, perturbing those around me.

These are my failings. Also, I am lazy and a little too adaptable.

Today I made breakfast and lunch for the family, it being a rain holiday.

The most essential endeavour is to embrace a growth mindset and not succumb to superstitions. People and circumstances can always be better. I can be better.

If I have to embrace my strengths it would be that I love. I'm intelligent. I'm creative. 

A brought about a lot of beautiful transformations within me. However, it's good that he's gone. He's a married man with children, something I accepted but it was too difficult.

I've fixed tomorrow as my quit smoking date.

It should be good.

I intend to pay A back all the money I have borrowed from him as soon as possible.

Now I'll just read one more chapter of Creative Family and start writing.

Giku just messaged me. Hopefully, he will help me with my article.

Love,

Me.

5.17 pm

I am feeling a little shallow in breathing.

I am feeling eager.

I am feeling accomplished.

I am feeling hopeful.

I am grateful that I met Sonal today.

I am grateful that I fixed today's meals.

I am grateful that I have D Ikeda's books to read.

I am grateful for my mirror exercises.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa, Buro and all my companions in life.

I am grateful that I got offered the lead role in a movie. It was a confidence booster.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful that this time tomorrow I shall be a confirmed non- smoker.

I am grateful for Alan Carr.

I am grateful that I met A in my life and I'm grateful for the small changes he brought about in me.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for time.

I am grateful for my body, heart and mind.

I am grateful that Durga Puja is coming up.

5.22 pm

Journal 23.9.2024 12.32 am

Dear Journal,

I am slightly irritated with PKum.

He didn't get the point. I don't want any attention from him. I don't want to date him.

I think I'll ignore his messages. He must be a good guy in a way but he's not my type.

I think I'll hang out with the folks at Aram Nagar. That's much better than sitting and drinking with some random guy.

People have been telling me that A is not to be seen. I hope he is fine.

How I feel:

A little anxious.

Very bugged.

Beautiful

Hopeful 

Wishful

Prayerful

Love

Determined

Tolerant

Stuck

Proud

Happy

Anxious about Arun's well-being

Annoyed

Sleepy

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for the past year and a half with Arun.

I am grateful for food.

I am grateful for my bed.

I am grateful I have a meeting in the morning. Hope it goes well.

I am grateful that I went for the zadankai yesterday.

I am grateful for Buro and Sadhya.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for Alan Carr.

Love,

Me.

12.39 am

Journal 22.9.2024 10.58 pm

Dear Journal 

I don't like Biharis. And I love Arun.

So I met PKum at Local and told him categorically that I just want to be friends. And he kept hitting on me.

The entire Qd gang was there.

,

They say they haven't seen Arun in a long time.

Where is he? Is everything fine with him? Trust life is treating him well.

I don't really like Pkum. He lacks depth of character. But who am I to judge? He is also a humanbeing.

I really hope Arun is doing well.

I hope my meeting tomorrow goes well.

I'll send Arun all my love through prayers.

May he And his family come out strong of whatever he is going through.

Love,

Me.

11.03 pm

Journal 22.9.2024 10.41 pm

Dear Journal,

I do not like Biharis.

Love,

Me

Journal 22.9.2024 5.23 pm

Dear Journal,

When someone tells you they don't love you it makes you love them less. The feelings generated by Arun's betrayal has caused me to blame myself. But I am not solely to blame.

He gave me no reason to trust him. He didn't earn my trust.

Of course I still love him.

But I am hurt, flummoxed and sometimes sad.

Otherwise I'm in a generally gay mood.

Ma can be so threatening. She has been threatening to break my door down and of course I reacted. There must be something wrong with her. Her aggression is unwarranted.

Anyway I also shouted back. I really have to approach Ma and Buro's toxic behaviour more positively.

I met Debo and Reet today. Debo told me that when things like this happen just remove yourself from the situation instead of reacting. Of course I can do that and make it a habit.

The feelings generated by Ma and Buro are one of not being able to trust them, betrayal and anger and frustration.

I have to pay Arun back his money. Hopefully the jobs that I've applied for will work out.

I met Pkum yesterday. I really don't want to date him and I made it quite clear. I told him I just want to be friends with him. I think I'll reiterate it.

Arun brought a lot of growth in me. I am grateful to him for that. He taught me in a small way how to take care of myself and to love myself.

I'm reading a book that talks about not blaming yourself always for situations that are out of your control.

When someone doesn't love you back it's out of your control.

Arun is a lone wolf. 

Anyway I'm going out in some time. I really don't want to meet PKum that often. Even though he is sweet. I'd much rather go to Creative Adda. I'll make it clear to him.

Whatever job works out I shall do it well and to the best of my ability.

How am I feeling?

Hurt

Pained

Present

A little agitated

Slightly relaxed

A little happy

Hopeful

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the books I'm reading.

I am grateful that I have friends. 

I am grateful for Qudsiya.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful that Debo made me feel good today.

I am grateful for so many blessings and advantages I have that I take for granted.

I am grateful that God has endowed me with many good qualities.

I am grateful for the pleasant experiences of life.

I am grateful for the job that is coming my way.

Love,

Me.

5.39 pm

Quantify love

Can you quantify love?

Into the depths of the

Trenches of my heart

My love for you resides.

Journal 21.9.2024 12.41 am

Dear Journal,

Arun hasn't been online since 7.30 pm. I'm sure he has found someone else. I should really let him go.

He doesn't check my messages and he hasn't called and spoken to me in two months.

Next time I'll choose a better guy. And I'll definitely never date a married man ever again.

Why do relationships fail?

And why did I choose to fall in love with a man who told me right at the outset that he doesn't believe in loyalty?

Why did I fall in love with him like that?

I met S Kum and some other actors today.

Being an actor is a real struggle. It's important to enjoy the process and go with the flow.

I hope to have a much better day tomorrow than I did today.

Arun said he will meet me on Monday. I'll sit with him for an hour over lemon soda and hear what he has to say and clarify things.

I think our relationship is probably over.

I'll miss him for sure. I won't find another him. But there are so many men out there and so many who evince an interest in me.

The last act I saw at TWC on Wednesday, that guy was very cute. When he went on stage he asked me what my name is and said he finds me very beautiful. He also made me laugh.

I can't remember his name. But if I keep hanging around I'm sure I'll meet him again.

Today when I left for Kismet I saw kitty.

A frantic Pa who couldn't find him called me and asked me to come back home. Then Ma scolded me for not returning home.

How can I leave a meeting just like that?

Kitty had snuck into my room when I opened it to leave. The window was open.

Thankfully, Pa found kitty on time.

I am hurt by Arun. Why does he bitch so much about me? I've made mistakes for sure. But so has he. And he has never apologised for it.

I think he has left me.

I won't spend more than an hour with him on Monday. I think I'll wear my white dress.

I am grateful for all the people in my life and all of life's experiences.

Love,

Me.

12.53 am

Journal 20.9.2024 12.04 pm

Dear Journal,

It's been a week and Arun hasn't called. Yesterday S told me that A has many problems with me. Why doesn't he tell me what those problems are?

Has Arun found someone else?

Love,

Me.

Journal 20.9.2024 1.05 am

Dear Journal,

I got a good feedback on my open mic. At least four male performers, when they went up on stage, told me that I am very beautiful. That made me feel very good.

Is Arun ever going to call up? Does he really not want me in his life anymore?

It's been a week and I haven't heard from him. He had told me he would meet me on Thursday but that doesn't seem to be forthcoming. Thursday has come and gone.

I met Kir Tare today. Good guy. S Ram is such a boring person. It's a good thing S Kum gave me company yesterday.

I went and met Arpita from Actors Studio today. Let's see if I can collaborate with them.

S called today and told me that A loves me.

Then why hasn't he called?

Do I have to keep waiting?

I think I'll start meeting people. I'm sure Arun also meets people.

Tomorrow I'm responsible for Kity and Melon.

I am grateful for all the people in my life and all of life's many experiences.

Love,

Me.

1.12 am

Journal 18.9.2024 11.01 am

Dear Journal,

I should have never asked Arun for money. I should quit smoking.

Yesterday a producer from Tollywood called and spoke to me for a long time. All evening in fact. I kept asking him where he got my number from but he didn't tell me.

I finished writing the song for Arka. I hope he likes it.

Another audio producer wants me to write audio scripts for him.

Plus Nagesh's latest film will release soon. He said we will watch it together.

Today I'm going to meet S Ram and then going for the open mic.

I miss Arun. I wish I could give him a kiss and ease all his worries. Sometimes I just wasn't available for him. Must take care of my mind so that this never happens again.

Love,

Me.

11.05 am

I am grateful for work.

Entry into heaven

Strength has no easy past,

Loyalty has no time frame to last,

Truth is from a place of lies

And justice is a balance to strike,

Peace is known when there has been war

And prosperity is all for the asking beggar,

Seek and you shall find and the security

Keeps us so blind.

Safety is when you've seen guns being fired

And happiness comes from knowing sorrow,

Harmony is something that can be attained

For humanity is larger than life, not a game,

Heaven is a place on Earth

Where I have gained entry through an open door;

A Buddha is a person who stays afloat

Even amidst muddy waters;

Love is never a lost cause,

To love with abandon can shake the world.

So here I am again,

Espousing values with nothing to gain

But a dream to be realised

Of a far more humane, lovely, peaceful life.

-- Doel Sengupta

Losing you

Sometimes there was pain,

Sometimes we were insane

And I lost myself in the grip of time,

And you plunged deep into all that is mine.

I wasn't always my best self,

And I've learnt a lot of lessons;

But you say you don't love me anymore

And I can't fathom what is in store.

I loved your heart truly

And the touch of your skin duly,

Your fragrance still lingers 

And your conversations so ginger.

I haven't always been my best self of course

With many mistakes made, and I'm so morose

Because there isn't another meeting

Or anymore sweet greetings.

And I would do anything for one more kiss,

One more joke, one more story, all this I miss;

I can assure you, you will never be forgotten,

And I apologise for all my digresses.

I have no complaints even though I did that a lot,

And I just wish my brain had cooperated or not,

But it slipped and I lost you,

Sweetest you, the epitome of cuteness.

-- Doel Sengupta 

Journal 17.9.2024 10.49 am

Dear Journal,

I'm missing Arun a lot. I hope he has it in his heart to forgive me. I love him. There is noone like him. He was the best boyfriend in the whole world-- so loving, so caring, so affectionate, such an honourable, good humanbeing. I really really love him deeply and I regret my behaviour.

I spoke to S yesterday and he said Arun was worried about the shifts in my behaviour and he was worried about my health. I love my boyfriend. I want to get back with him. I won't find anyone as sweet and cute as him.

I'll do some chanting now and finish that song.

Love,

Me.

10.52 am

I am grateful for Arun's love and all that comes with him.

Journal 16.9.2024 8.08 pm

Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning feeling sultry and morose and was missing Arun a lot.

I met Debo and spent some quality time with her. Then after lunch Sanjay Nirupam's right hand man S Jayswal called and asked to meet. We met at Third Wave and spoke about work, life and other matters like making money.

A Ghosh called and asked me to write songs in English for him. He mailed me the brief and I have to get back to him with a pitch.

All in all a fruitful day. Hope to do an exemplary job with the outcome of today's meetings.

Excited about the songwriting.

I missed Arun. He is always on my mind. But I've made peace with the fact that he doesn't want to be with me.

I think I'll move on.

I've been rude to him, asked him for money, which I should not have and given him a lot of stress. (A Ghosh just called.) I don't know if Arun will ever talk to me or meet me ever again. Whatever it is, I won't bother him.

Anyway, I'll get to work on AGhosh's songs now. Things are moving in my life now. I'm also in a state of mind to accept change right now.

Life is good and the love is real.

Love,

Me.

8.47 pm

It hurts to know that there will be no more dates with Arun. He doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't even want to be friends.

I won't call him or message him.

While working on the song I'm remembering all the times spent with Arun. The date at Bandstand was so awesome. I really love him a lot. There will be these moments of missing. And I can't force him to love me. He was the world's best boyfriend-- so caring, so affectionate, so emotional, such a cute sweet and good humanbeing. I hope to God that he is grateful for the good times shared.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life and all of life's experiences.

Journal 16.9.2024 10.32 am

Dear Journal,

Arun left me because of my mental health. He wasn't happy with me. I have to take care of myself and I really hope I get a nice job. It's been so long. It's been a year of sitting at home.

I'm listening to music after a long time.

When I look at our photographs I fall in love with him again and again.

I wish to God that he treads in favourable circumstances. 

I'll always love him and I till today can't shake the thought of him from my head.  I'll miss holding his face in my hands and giving him a long kiss.

He wasn't happy with me. And he says he doesn't love me anymore.  I've made my peace with this fact. My most handsome Arun.

Love,

Me.

10.35 am

Journal 16.9.2024 9.10 am

Dear Journal,

I have not behaved well with Arun. I asked him for money, sent him a whole barrage of messages. I wasn't in a proper state of mind.

Of course, he doesn't love me anymore. May be he will never call, never meet me ever again.

I'll carry the love around in my heart.

The days ahead are going to be significant.

I have a meeting with Debo today and I hope it goes well.

Life is good.

Ma and Pa would really love me to quit smoking cigarettes. Alan Carr will help.

Now to make this day fruitful.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life and all of life's many experiences.

I am grateful for all the work I do.

9.14 am

Ps: I love all my photographs with Arun. They are so symbolic. He's such a handsome, cute man. If I had not fried his brains may be we would still be together. These are all the memories i have with him. He is the love of my life.

winner

Sometime in the distant past

My hands they did the work of love.

Today as I raise to salute

My hands they nudge, push and pull.

Sometime ago I was more in the grip

And then I lost myself to life bewitched.

It was only when I gazed into your eyes

That I found myself and I cried

Tears for I know not what it meant

And I couldn't pass on by to relent.

The photographs remind me of

A time when my hands did the work of love.

I am standing atop the mountaintop

And today I refuse to stall or stop

Because victory is just a step away

As I claim the pinnacle and I've passed the test.

Remind me again of another time

When all was beauty, all was fine

And I'll shed some more tears

Because I've been told to keep quiet

So out of fear I don't say a word today

And the sound of silence deafens me anyway.

So I'll quicken my pace, let my heart race

Because the blizzard has eased

And I am home with hands and all,

Blood and bones and there rushing within

Is the sound of life and I am happy,

I have conquered the winning spot.

-- Doel Sengupta

Letter to Arun 15.9.2024 11.53 pm

Dear sweetest heart,

I sent you a few messages today. Hope you are not annoyed.

I'm a little worried about you. Trust that you are doing well.

I know you don't want to talk to me or meet me for some time. 

You said you don't even want to be friends with me. I love you. A deep genuine kind of love.

You brought so much happiness into my life.

You taught me so much.

I value you. I always cherish the memories created with you.

Sorry for the messages today.

Love,

Me.

involved

Being deeply involved with you

I lost myself, lost the grip

As you can tell. I thought of

You all day long and till today

You creep into my thoughts;

Was I wrong? I know I have 

My sights set on a goal lofty

That I never shared with you.

Your heart I sought,

Your cheeks I wanted to hold

Always in soft embraces.

But now you won't talk

Or see my face and I'm so sad

Because I was so involved with you.

Where is the light?

Where is the light?

There are no shadows

And there is no shade

From the locust harvest today.

There is an acceptance,

A wisdom dawning

That to see the light

You first have to get a lamp

And not keep it so damp

And keep refilling the oil.

Such is life, and such is love

Lit by the lamp of life,

Ignited in the heart,

Blazing the brain

And to save the light 

From the rain and the pain

Needs altruism,

And forgiveness

And a whole plethora

Of gimmicks

And there is no seeing

Without the light,

No shadows,

No shade.

-- Doel Sengupta

Journal 15.9.2024 9.36 pm

Dear Journal,

I understand that it's over between Arun and me. He doesn't love me anymore and I'm not important to him at all.

It's a good thing that we broke up. He's a married man. 

But he became a huge part of my life and mindscape so it was difficult to let him go. This break-up has been made easier with the two months of distance.

I'll always remember him well and wish him well.

Let me not talk about love for him today. That's an idealistic vision, unreal.

It happened. And it was good while it lasted. He's a chump of a guy.

I hope he remembers me well too.

It was a pleasure handling his tantrums and his crazy. It was lovely talking to him over booze. Every moment was special. What is an ending thing is also a beginning thing.

This is a fresh start and a new beginning with many lessons learnt. Chiefly, how not to bug.

And how to invite grace into my life.

I'll always love him. May be after a point I may not be so in love with him because out of sight is out of mind.

I may find someone else. But I hope I don't have any crazy guys running after me. I find that kind of attention irritating and annoying.

Arun was a great boyfriend. I'll always be grateful for the love he bestowed on me.

He is a half mad cap himself and I loved that about him.

I'll always remember his cute expressions and all the conversations we had.

"Carry a comb, dress well, wash your hair...," I loved his Virgoean practicality.

I'll miss him for a long time especially when I'm pouring my thoughts into this Journal. 

He was so inspiring and he is so sweet.

I was a terrible girlfriend to him. He gave me so much love that it seemed so true.

I hope he remembers my love too. And I hope he remembers me well. Not for the times I fried his brains. And that he forgives me for stressing him out. May be he thinks I'm not such a nice person because I troubled him so much. I'll always love him. I hope he is in favourable circumstances and that he is happy. And that he had a good Onam with his family.

I won't find someone in a long time. I don't date that much. I find half the guys I meet boring. But I'll embrace life differently now.

This is a new chapter in my life, a new beginning.

Love,

Me

9.42 pm

Ps: I hope Arun is not too upset and angry and is able to process everything positively. I wish to God he doesn't hate me. I had the world's best boyfriend. And I took him for granted. And I harassed him and stressed him out. And I lost myself and didn't take care of myself. I'll always love him from the core of my being.

I have two interviews in the coming week. Hope they go well and a bunch of other meetings. Plus I hope to attend the open mic on Wednesday.

One night last month Arun called me when I was asleep and said he's going through bad times. I hope he's out of whatever it was that was bad. He doesn't want to talk to me. But I'll keep praying for him and his loved ones. That's the least I can do today. Someday when I'm making money I'll call him and treat him to booze and food. Have been wanting to do that in a long time. I wish we had had the sex. The mohabbat was amazing. Total pyaar for this rockstar of a man.

Journal 15.9.2024 8.26 pm

Dear Journal,

The day has been very good. Ma has mellowed down and there is peace back in my life.

I did not go for the open mic today because my leg is hurting a lot.

I spoke to Vij Ver and Kir Tar today.

I have many many meetings lined up in the coming week.

The past year I have been so lackadaisical putting my hands in things that were working out so slowly or not working out at all.

I have to keep a note of all the appointments I have to make it to in the coming week.

My heart is whole. My heart is at peace.

I also did some art today.

Life is good. It's getting better.

May I sleep well tonight.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life and for all of life's many experiences.

8.30 pm

bye bye

Give me the white hairs

As proof that we endured,

Let the laugh lines mar me

As a sign that with jokes you had me lured.

Give me your angry words

As proof that love is true,

Give me sunspots and bum marks

As a sign that together we sat through.

Give me a little bit of grief

So that my heart remembers

You mattered the most and

Let there be your teeth marks on my nose.

Give me a night of loving,

Give me a day of tales,

And if that is never happening

Again give me a post card I can frame.

I'll pack my bags now for I'm sombre,

Sultry and distraught, give me a ring,

You have my blessed number,

I won't call you anymore.

As I walk in the meadows

And dance sprightly in the streets,

The music I'll play in my soul

Will play till again we meet.

I don't write this poem to bug you,

It's just a reminder that you've left,

It's a coming to terms, a day of becoming,

Till another day I'll leave the rest.

Soil my hair one more time with sweat

Of the heat that we produced,

You say we've lost love, but I have not

That you must have surely deduced.

Some day if again we sit together,

I'll warm your heart and give you more laugh lines,

Till then adieu good friend, good gentleman,

I'll honour and respect you now.

So bye bye till another time,

When there are more rhymes to chant,

Bye bye till the last sunset

Of dashed hopes because you have gone.

-- Doel Sengupta

Letter to Arun 1.23 pm 15.9.2024

Dear Arun,

I'm truly sorry for my behaviour.

I know you say that you don't love me anymore.

However, my deep feelings for you are always alive and will never die.

I cast my net on you but I didn't hold you there very well. I made many mistakes along the way. Hope you can forgive me. And I hope to become a much wiser humanbeing.

When will you call me?

Are we really done?

I hope we do meet.

Whatever you tell me I will accept. I won't thrust my opinion on you.

I love you. You are most handsome and most charming.

Love,

Me.

Your cute face is forever a still image in my mind's eye.

You make me a much better humanbeing. And today I am feeling very very sad. I miss you and I wish I could send you one message to check on you. But that would make you so angry. So I'll wait for you to get in touch.

I love you wholly, deeply. A gazillion kisses to you. Your gentleness rocked me the most and I miss you.

Journal 15.9.2024 1.07 pm

Dear Journal,

I just spent time with Melon, Kity and Sadhya and returned home. I have an open mic to attend in the evening.

I'm a little in pain. Arun said he doesn't love me anymore and that I'm not that important to him. I don't know if and when he'll call me.

I love this man. He's such a sweet humanbeing, such a good person, such a cute person.

I can't force anyone to be with me. I find him so incredibly handsome. I think he has a great personality and despite sometimes getting angry gives out such sweet vibes.

I have to send a few emails today.

I'll sit and chant first and then mail.

I hope Arun is not so upset with me anymore.

I wish him and his family a happy Onam.

Love,

Me

1.11 pm

Letter to Arun 15.9.2024 8.16 am

My dearest darlingest Arun,

I went to sleep rather late last night. I hope you slept well.

I find that dreams are quite premonitory in nature. I had three dreams of us breaking up.

Last night I had a dream that both of us are doing everything all alone and are very lonely.

I'll always love you. I'll never be able to get over you.

I know that you are angry with me and extremely upset. I hope you don't resent me and are able to forgive me.

I really want you to call me up soon like you said you would. I'm waiting to hear your sweet voice.

I think I'll spend the day with my book today.

You are my sweetest, cutest heart. Enjoy your Sunday.

I love you.

Love,

Doel

8.20 am

Ps: I'll be going for an open mic today. I'm taking my mom along.

You said you don't love me anymore. That makes me very very sad.

I'll always remain deeply in love with you. I am missing you a lot. You are the world's most handsome man to me.

My cards show that you still love me. But you say you don't.

Right now I feel a deep love and longing for you.

We should have had sex at least once.

I would have loved to make you feel loved.

I know you will never read these letters but I love writing to you.

Love,

Bebushka

letter to Arun 15.9.2024 2.14 am

Dear Arun,

I hope all is well with you and that you are in a positive happy frame of mind. I really miss you. For the past few days I haven't been sleeping too well.

I read this awesome article on the effect love has on the brain. It's a long article but the whole article is important to read.

I wish I could message the link to you but you don't want me to contact you.

Are you wearing the shirts we bought together?

I'm not crying. For some reason I'm not crying. For some reason there is peace in my mind. Even today I can't shake the thought of you from my mind. I think this is how it will be forever.

I'll share the link of the article here so that it's always easy to find.  You never know may be some day I'll have the chance to share it with you.

Link

https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/effects-of-love

I'll always love you. Wear your charming smile all the time.

Love,

Me.

Beautiful you

I have arisen out of the rubble,

Extricating myself and how,

Fully equipped falterless,

I have melted the snow

That adorns the landscape

And kissed the buttery sun.

In my heart there arises

A beautiful hope and I

Am geared to always win.

This change in perception

Was brought about

By your love that

Melted the sweet snow.

As my eyes glisten

With songs of beauty

I hope to change the

Fault lines and make

Pudding and cake

All half-baked

To feed your 

Sweet tooth

And sooth

Your beautiful

Mind and

Shirt you

In the best,

Beautiful you.

letter to Arun 14.9.2024 10.22 pm

Dear Arun,

My behaviour was unpardonable. I know you will never be able to forgive me for it.

I'll never send messages like this again.

Breaking up is easy I think.

I'm sorry for hurting you and breaking your heart.

You don't want me in your life.

Today is Onam. I sent you a wish on messenger but I don't think you're inclined to see it and reply.

Knowing that I love you is peace enough. My mind is at ease.

I would have loved to be the one that loves you always. I loved our togetherness. I enjoyed every date.

Hope you've had a good day. I had an excellent day.

I loved it when you acted mad, I loved your crazy and I loved handling you. I made lots of mistakes along the way and I apologise for that.

Hope you've had a good Saturday.

You say you don't love me anymore and that makes me very sad. That's the saddest thing anyone has ever told me. None of my exes ever told me that they stopped loving me.

I've loved just three guys in my life and you were my most cherished, most adored, my priciest possession.

I'll always love you wholly.

Today I went and met many people for work.

I think instead of sitting at home like this I'll get a job, an interesting job.

I made many calls today and I have a few interview calls next week.

I should have made these calls at least six months before.

I'm reading Alan Carr's book to quit smoking.

I hope you've enjoyed your Saturday.

Always yours,

Doel.

10.30 pm

Journal 14.9.2024 9.12 pm

Dear Journal,

I had a very good day. I'm in an absolutely pristine mood.

I had a meeting in the morning, then after lunch I went and met some film industry guys,

I came back and rested, then I made calls all evening to former colleagues.

Randy was the first person I called. Mr Bhandari was the nicest to talk to. He is such an awesome man.

I even went to Oshiwara and met some people. So I had a full day. Some people even called for Tarot.

Arun says he doesn't love me anymore. I have not stopped loving a single person I've ever loved. Of course, out of sight is out of mind.

I should not have sent him so many messages. I shouldn't be so hyper.

May be he will never forgive me for it.

How can he not love his wife; he lives with her.

If I had a sweet husband I would dote on him.

Anyway, after a full day I'll get to bed.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for life's grace and blessings.

9.18 pm

letter to Arun 14.9.2024 3.21 pm

Dear Arun,

I'm meeting a bunch of people today.

You feel you don't love me anymore. That is most unfortunate because I still love you most deeply and will always care about you.

But I think I'll try and move on from here because the truth is that you are married and there was never a future here.

I hope you will remember me for all the good times and all the love I gave you. Please forget the tough times and the times I was a pain.

I keep remembering your face in my mind, your cute sweet face.

I enjoyed every moment with you.

I'm sorry for harassing you. I'm sorry for the times I troubled you.

I love.

Yours forever,

Doel

letter to Arun 14.9.2024 12.09 pm

Dear Arun,

It's been over two months that you took your love away from my life. You always told me that you are never leaving me and never letting me go and I took you for granted.

I miss your love, care and affections.

The cards show that you have found someone else. I made many mistakes with you. I wish I had the wisdom to curtail my actions.

Is she very pretty?

I really love you. My love for you runs very deep.

I was a very tiring girlfriend and I harassed you a lot. You always told me not to send you so many messages but I didn't listen to you.

I'll never be able to stop loving you. You remain the cutest person I know.

I think I'll wait for you. If you come back into my life.

Do you really not love me anymore?

My meeting went off very well in the morning. I think after lunch I'll have a bath and do rounds of casting offices.

I hope to meet no crazy guys there.

You have to say our dates were legendary. Hopefully, you'll remember me well.

Have an excellent day!

Love,

Doel

letter to Arun 14.9.2024 9.35 am

Dear Arun,

I can't call you or message you. Hence, I'm writing this letter to you.

I have learnt my lesson. I'll never repeat these mistakes I made with you ever again. Because you say you don't love me anymore and that really hurts.

I'll always love you from the core of my being and care deeply about you. I wish you were with me.

Is there someone else in your life? Does she kiss you the way I kissed you? Does she love you with the same fervour and enthusiasm that I did?

Does she tell you that you are the cutest person in the whole world and that you are such a good humanbeing?

Does she also find you incredibly handsome?

I'm a foolish girl.

You did tell me that you would never let me go. You promised to make this last.

The fault is all mine. I'll never repeat the mistakes I've made and I'll never act jealous again.

How was your party with your colleagues last evening?

I have an important meeting today for which I have to prepare now.

I'll always deeply care about you and love you.

I hope the steps I'm taking towards my career work out.

Tomorrow I'll go and meet some casting directors.

I'm so sorry for being such a trying girlfriend. I harassed the world's best boyfriend.

I'm sure somewhere deep down you still love me.

Have an excellent day. Give my love to your family.

I hope to hear your voice soon and meet you.

I'll never be able to stop loving you.

I hope to have you in my life again.

I'm so sorry to act jealous. 

The human mind is a marvel. Sometimes we do things whose detrimental outcome is not visible to us. I was mad in messaging you and acting jealous. I hope I can move on. I wish you all the happiness in the whole world.

Love you forever.

Yours,

Bebushka. 

letter to Arun 13.9 2024

Dear Arun,

I'm so extremely sorry for frying your brains and sending you so many messages and for acting jealous.

Please forgive me. Please forgive me for my mistakes. Because to err is human and to forgive divine. I'm just a small mortal and I make mistakes.

You told me today that you don't love me anymore. I don't believe that. You will always love me and I will always love you.

You are visibly upset that I sent you so many messages last night when you were at work. This will never happen ever again. I promise you that. Your harsh words have taught me the lesson. I'll ask you on our next date after one and half months why exactly you feel you don't love me anymore.

Could we please rekindle the romance and ignite the spark again? Please.

You told me not to message you till you don't call. I won't message you but please call me soon and let's meet up. Please my sweetest darling sweety.

I know I'm completely to blame for the current circumstances and I apologise profusely, assuring you that I will never falter ever again.

I will trust you blindly from now on. Whatever you tell me is the truth.

Please give us another chance, please.

Love never dies. You don't feel it all the time but it never dies.

I'll make you feel loved.

You said you need space. I'll give you your space.

I won't kiss you when we meet next because you said you need space and you may not like that.

Please Arun forgive me and let's work on our relationship.

I've never been so serious about any guy before. I can't message you good night so I'll wish you in this letter. Good night, sweet dreams and loads of hugs. 

I do trust you.

What happened was that you lied once about your whereabouts and that sowed the seed of doubt.

But now I'll trust you.

I'll never mention the word break-up ever again.

I've learnt my lesson.

And I'll never tire you with messages ever again.

You said you may hate me. You never will. You'll always love me.

Because the love that our relationship started with can't be extinguished because the flames of love never burn out.

We are almost hitting the one and a half year mark in our relationship and it's normal to stabilise after a point.

Don't forget how our relationship started out. You promised me you would never let me go and that you'll always love me and that I don't understand what love is. Now I've understood.

Please do open the channel of communication again, please. It's been two months.

After we fought after our last Bora Bora visit things have not been the same. I'm so sorry for fighting with you so. That was despicable behaviour. It will never happen ever again.

I insulted you by doubting you and that makes me very apologetic and sad.

Everybody makes mistakes. I've learnt a mighty good lesson this time and I promise you all this will never happen ever again.

I'll be an exemplary girlfriend from now on.

I see our relationship lasting far into the future.

Believe me your ignoring me broke my heart. My heart was very small then. But I would never say I stopped loving you because that is not possible.

It's not possible to break our bond. Our bond will endure the tests of time.

Of course you don't feel the love all the time. Nobody does but you never stop loving ever.

Being distant from you is an unbearable thought so please call me soon.

You have a new girlfriend now. Doel Sengupta who doesn't whine and crib. I'll never complain to you about us ever again.

You have the freedom to choose what pace our relationship will take now. But there is a relationship and I won't sabotage it.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Even I'm not feeling perfectly the love but it always comes and goes.

Give me a chance, will you?

I think till you call me I'll write you a letter everyday.

Today I went to meet this director and he asked me for sex. This is not the first time this is happening. The casting couch exists in the film industry.

Otherwise it was a fruitful meeting before that happened.

Also, I walked several kilometres today looking for a rickshaw, right from the Airport to Mithibai College.

You do love me Arun. Dont say you don't. What you say really matters. Let's ignite the relationship again. This will be the best phase of our lives.

Also, may your 53rd year be the best. May this year bring you lots of love and joy.

I am completely committed to you and I'm devoted to you. Sorry for the fight. Sorry for trying us. And I hope to hear you say that you love me soon.

It's the conversations that kindle the fire of a relationship. So don't stop the conversations with me, please like you did for two months. I made a mistake and you've given me your piece of mind by ignoring me. You don't need to tell me what you were up to for two months.

Have some faith in me. I will be able to transform me and us and I'll give you all my love always. A new chapter in our lives and the best phase for us.

How often have we said I Love You to each other with our hearts feeling exactly this way? Saying the I Love You makes you feel the love. So please don't tell me ever again that you don't love me. I won't believe it.

I've begun to understand you better today that means I love you more today than I did when we first started out. It's the same with you.

I understand you. I'm going to be an exemplary girlfriend to you. Our relationship really matters a lot to me. You also will deepen your understanding of me. I understand you far better today. I hope to bring you lots of happiness like I did when we first started out.  Please, I want to hear you say I Love You again whenever that is.

Good night!

Love,

Bebushka

Journal 13.9.2024 4.45 am

Dear Journal,

Arun says he doesn't want to talk to me or see my face ever again.

If anyone knows, you know how much I love him.

I'm in pain. But I'm not in denial. This was never going to work out because he's married. So good, very good that it's over.

I have chewed his brains a lot. I've written him tomes in messages. Hopefully he'll understand my perspective. This relationship was shrouded in betrayal right at the outset.

I often think about what he told me some astrologer did to his Kundli after his 53rd birthday. The astrologers refused to make predictions after his 53rd birthday.

In my foolishness I used to think it's because I've entered his life and this would last a lifetime.

But he cheated on me.

I'll always love him. He's kind of immature and full of faulty perceptions.

My kundli says this is the golden period of my life. Also, three astrologers had predicted Arun's entry into my life. So much for astrology. This has been a significant one year and I feel guilty about fighting with him on his 53rd birthday but he hadn't met me or spoken to me for a month till then. Of course, he has found someone.

He was unhappy with me that is why he went astray.

He has a lot of faulty perceptions and doesn't have wholesome values. He instead has a very base value system, causing his life to be such. He has the most beautiful heart I've seen in a person. He told me he loved me like his daughter but he didn't keep me with him like he would have kept his daughter no matter what. Of course. I didn't give him any reason to be with me. This break up is all my fault.

Whatever I feel happens. For a long time I had the feeling that my heart was going to get broken.

Pa supports Ma so wholeheartedly and he loves her so much. All men should be like Pa. I have a stoic father of exemplary character.

Hopefully, I'll be able to make peace with this break up soon. Arun was very difficult to date with his demands and criticisms and comparisons but i still loved him. He'll treat any other girl he dates just the way he treated me. He's not a very positive person. He always criticises everybody.

I wish I could kiss his hands. I'll miss kissing his hands.

Our last date on the 6th of August, 2024, will be remembered. He told me he had been abducted and is losing his memory, something I didn't believe but I still played along and gave him lots of kisses because I love him so. I will always love him, always.

Hopefully he will stop hating me soon and find it in his heart to think well of me.

He has his flaws. He is a Casanova who can't keep his eyes off pretty girls. He has roving eyes.

And he is an emotional sweetheart who finds himself embroiled in his lovecapades with all these pretty girls.

May be all those comparisons he made of me with other girls were because he was not happy finding me. But I was so happy to find him. The initial days of our relationship he really made me cry. In the run up I made him cry. After a point he stopped comparing me and became loving but I was not happy with his flaws like telling me the mean things he said when we fought in Quarter Deck when he said Candy is his best friend. Even then i kissed him. He is a Casanova. But men tend to be like that. But Pa is not like that. Neither was dadu.

Hopefully, Arun will remember me favourably. I know he doesn't talk about me favourably with his friends which is another flaw he has. May be it was getting trying for him because at the drop of a hat I always hinted at a break up. But it's not like he promised me marriage even though he did mention it a few times. 

If at all I had taken things with a more favourable outlook and we had got married it would cause so much pain to everyone. That is why may be I kept wanting to break up to avert the pain. His children and wife would have been so hurt. My parents would have been so hurt. 

May be we should have just been friends but then I would not have smelled him.

In every couple there is always one who loves the other more. I think may be I loved him more. Because I was true to him.

I think I'll do my meetings tomorrow and spend the day writing in my notebook many poems to keep his memory alive.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for everything.

5.11 am

Hope

In the darkness of my soul

There is a lingering sense of fear,

A certain broken-heartedness

That I would like to disown.

In the fell clutch of hope

I wish to wash off all my sins

And arise once more

To never disparage again.

I hope to heal my heart

And soar intrepid into the sky,

Free at last, a bird,

Winged by the sun up high.

If there were fifty three words to choose

What would you say to me today?

Journal 12.9.2024 8.33 pm

Dear Journal,

Things are churning in my life on various fronts and I'm hoping for the best. The wait has been rather long. And I must take rather good care of my mind.

I love Arun. He is always on my mind. I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of him. I really respect him and his sweet heart and I am utterly devoted to him.

I believe my prayers make a difference. I don't know how though. I pray for him and his family ardently each day and it gives me hope and a sense of relief.

Today I thought a lot about pride. Humility is such a thoroughly blazing virtue. May I always be humble and good and be respectful towards people just like Boddhisattva Never Disparaging.

I have disparaged enough.

My great vow also brings into life trying circumstances. The vow is so great and so big.

I know the next time I meet Arun he will talk to me and give me a piece of his mind. But I hope he doesn't hurt me with his words. And I really wish to not hurt him.

I do trust him. And also, I should forgive him his flaws and accept him just the way he is instead of being a doubting Thomas. After all all we really want is acceptance. Even I would love to be accepted by him just the way I am.

I don't know why he doesn't call these days. He's distanced himself so much. I must have really hurt him and I hope I can repair the damage.

Does Arun respect me? Does he view me as capable? I hope he does. It makes a huge difference the words you speak. Sticks and stones can break bones, but words, they can shatter the soul.

I hope my words have not shattered his soul.

I think I'll sit and chant a little more now and then prepare for tomorrow's meeting.

I wish Arun would just call so that I can go to sleep.

Ma and Pa have gone shopping and there is noone in the house.

May I be visited by the angels in my dreams tonight and sleep a deep peaceful sleep.

May all my loved ones sleep well tonight.

May we always find ourselves in favourable circumstances protected by the God's and deities.

May the protective powers of the Universe be further strengthened as I fortify my vow further in my life and give it a solid grounding.

May all those I have disparaged, including my family and Arun, forgive me from the core of their beings.

May I always love ardently. 

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for everything. 

8.51 pm

Journal 10.9 2024 7.26 pm

Dear Journal,

Years ago when I was immersed in the lab as a Lifescience student and when I was breaking my back clocking in long hours for years in the newsroom, I never thought that some day I'd be working as a Tarot consultant. All these phases of my life have been most gratifying but Tarot card reading much to people's surprise tops the list. As time goes by the money will also come in.

I am a serious Tarot reader. I don't faff. I base my readings on the cards and when I tell my clients that I'm passionate about it, they are quite surprised. It's viewed as something someone would do to earn some extra cash. It leaves me time for yoga and writing and it's splendid.

I get clients who talk about their cheating ways in relationships and about extramarital affairs. Invariably the cards show that there is love for both partners which they don't deny. They all are stressed out, some seeking therapy from what they say.

Why cheat if you are happy with one partner? Why do it at all?

Trustworthiness and trustfulness are ideals that lead to happiness. And the pursuit of all life is happiness in every way.

When trust is broken a relationship crumbles.

Ma and Pa and Buo have clearly lost their trust in me. The way to build that again is by being responsible first towards oneself and then others.

Arun is also not so responsive these days. May be he doesn't trust me after our last to last fight because he doesn't call, message or meet me.

Today I realised my love language is writing poetry and sweet things for people and Arun's love language is doing symbolic acts for people and saying sweet things.

Ma has been locking everything up in the house for quite some time now and I think she is going senile and I told her that. But she won't understand that.

She is paranoid because she doesn't trust.

Sometimes it is important to just trust when there is a trust deficit-- trust the system, the process and the affairs and trust yourself.

Seeing Ma I feel I should better guard my mental health. Pa is far better. Ma has always been agitated and abrasive and Pa has always been more even tempered.

Which means to fortify my mental health I must not give in to intense grief, fear, pain and worry because this is what cause paranoia.

Arun would also benefit from this.

Ma used to be so depressed when she was younger and may be that's the reason things stand where they do with her.  She is a rockstar and I absolutely adore her and love her. I am so grateful to her. 

That brings me back to trustfulness and trustworthiness, the fabric of a healthy relationship.

To assuage all the aforementioned emotions that lead to unhappiness it is important to be steeped in reality facing life head on.

Arun would do better and be far happier himself if he works on building trust in relationships no matter what he chooses. A trust deficit gives and takes sorrow.

Trust is the feather the heart is, light and soft in relationships.

Trust averts painful situations.

I must also build trust.

I don't know what the deal with Arun is but he has distanced himself from me. It's an indication of a lack of trust in me.

Trustworthiness and trustfulness only bring happiness to all.

So much for this essay for me.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful I will work towards growing trust in my relationships from now on.

I am grateful for all my loved ones.

I am grateful for my job as a Tarot consultant.

I am grateful for my healthy relationships and friendships. 

Love,

Me.

7.55 pm

Journal 10.9.2024 1.07 pm

Dear Journal,

The day has been haywire. I haven't had a spot of sleep, haven't bathed and haven't got leads till now.

Arun must have checked his messages and he must be really hurt. I'm hurt I hurt him. I don't think I'm very mature when it comes to handling relationships.

I'll always love this sweetheart of a man. He must think I'm crazy. I must be crazy.

I hope he forgives me. May be he was in Nagpur but the whole thing sounded like a lie. And may be I'm wrong to not trust him. He doesn't need a stupid girlfriend like me.

His cute face delights me.

His eyes light up my heart.

His voice melts me.

It's been ages since I've heard the phone ring with his call. He may have been busy. But not one call? I don't know. I must be very wrong in my approach to this relationship.

I love my Arun. I always will. And I sincerely hope I get leads today.

Also, I hope to make my sweet families life much better.

Please Arun forgive me. And know that there may be a million Candies and others but no one will love you the way Doel does. So devotedly. It hurts.

Love,

Me

I am grateful for Arun.

I am grateful for Ma baba buro and Sadhya.

I am grateful for life's experiences.

I hope Arun fights it out with me or is he so hurt? I'm a stupid stupid girl. Very stupid girl.

Journal 10.8.2024 10.03 am

Dear Journal,

I think I'll get over Arun. I'll make peace with the fact that he wasn't happy with me and I have to let him be. He didn't do anything to build trust. Lying is no way to build trust. I've heard him lying to other people so many times that I know when he's lying.

Arun was the opposite of guys like Bhab and Ro who didn't give me space and kept doting on me. I think I did a Bhab and Ro on Arun. N9 wonder he bolted away. Next time hopefully I'll be able to temper the passions if I meet someone as good as Arun.

What's topmost on my mind is paying him his money for last year and this year's pocket money. That should happen. I will pay him. I have quit smoking. And I will be more disciplined and enjoy life and it's ways.

I have to pay my gst and also the jd fee.

When you do something on your own you are always more sincere.

Love,

Me

10.09am

In a relationship there is a desire to be accepted and loved. I always showed my affections towards Arun but after a point he stopped making an effort with me. I don't know what his thinking was. I'd like to know. It'll help me get closure if Arun would tell me why exactly he alienated me and cheated on me. Mental health should not be a reason since his own mental health needs attention and I am not one to say such things to anyone. But if that's the case I must say Arun prove himself the prude he was.

I don't like sexed up guys like Nitin Srivastva. Arun was perfect for me. So soft, so gentle, so emotional, so moody. It's a pity I didn't have sex with him. I would love to have sex with him once in this lifetime. I love this man. I love his smell. I love his birthday. I love each day of his life. I gave my heart to him in a pretty big way and I'll always love him. He was tired of me and hence he was cheating on me. I hope he drinks less or quits it completely. I love him. I wish, so wish I could kiss him. I'll think of him like this always. I know my love for him will grow deeper and take root to shape my life and steer my destiny. But he's married. He loves his wife and is also not likely to be true to me wife or no wife since he always needs the other girl.

Angel's prayers

An angel has heard my prayers

And is heartening to go on

Sometimes what seems near

Is far so far as we go along.

In the throes of immense compassion

Lies a motley lover's blood

And in it arises as a phoenix

The ashes of love as mud.

In this mud you mix the soil

And plant a sapling full of love

For in life's unpredictable ways

There always flies a dove.

The mare has neighed on the

Horses whim reigning courage

And a change and inside this message

Lies the key to walk out of the rampage.

Journal 10.9.2024 8.40 am

Dear Journal,

A few months ago I fought with Arun and I prayed to God that I would quit smoking if we patch up. I never quit smoking.

In fact I ended up borrowing money from him to fuel my cigarettes.

I think it's high time I kick the butt.

May be Arun was in Nagpur but he was clearly lying. His lies are so obvious.

May be I don't need to chew his brains further. It's been a while since my last cigarette and I think I'll make it. I hear that the first and third days are the hardest and 12 hours after quitting smoking.

I'll always love Arun but it wasn't meant to be, the biggest reason being him being married. That's why it was rocky from the start.

Also, he wasnt happy with me. He stopped calling and messaging for the longest time.

I'll miss his kind eyes. The sweetness in his eyes is so profound. There's never been a dull moment with him. And yes there's been lots of fighting. I'll cherish all our memories. I don't think I'll be able to date for a long time.

That guy a few weeks ago at Veda Factory Nitin Srivatsava was so interested in me. But I blocked him.

I don't think Arun and I were on the same page when it came to our committment.

Also, I think he was really unhappy.

So was I. Everytime he spoke about his wife lovingly, which was on every date, and compared me to other girls I was very unhappy. 

I really hope he gets over this fear that he's going to go mad. He won't go mad. His sweetness will tide him through. He may face some other troubles in relationships because he does nothing to build trust and when he's caught clearly lying it boils your blood.

I myself will not lie henceforth and I will not smoke cigarettes. Then I won't be burning money away.

I think Arun is happier without me. What hurts is that he didn't really value my love and sincerity. May be he took my love for granted because I said I Love You so many times.

Also, may be my multiple messaging when I'm angsty got to him. I would love for a guy to love me more than he did and gel more with me than he did. Someone I'm more devoted to and someone who accepts me just the way I am.

Quitting smoking is not hard. Dealing with the urges is the easiest. It's the fickle finger to pick up that one more cigarette that one has to be mindful of.

Frankly, Arun is a rockstar. I think the world of him and I wish him all the happiness in the world. Even fighting with him makes my love for him grow more. I don't think it does the same for him since he's so tired of me.

I wish I could kiss him one more time and caress his hair.

I'll miss him always. 

Love,

Me.

9.01 am

Also I feel really bad that I fought with him on his birthday, the most special day of his life. I prayed so hard to have a warm conversation with him because we were talking after 12 days after I called him last. But the bird flew away long before that and the writing was on the wall and I missed it. I did see three dreams of us breaking up. I think he was in the throes of cheating on me then. And the betrayal card, I can't forget that. I should have realised he is cheating on me. It was so obvious. I don't think he respects me or has faith in me. And hopefully some day I won't give him so much importance in my mindscape and still pray for him and wish him well.

I saw Naishad in my dreams last to last night and that Kali was letting me go to him.

May be I miss the kind of romance I had with Naishad or there are some unresolved feelings there. Anyway dating Kali was better.

Hopefully, he'll forgive me for this fight and understand me. He does understand me. But he's a cheater. He always extol his wife's virtues then why is he cheating on her? He really loves his wife. I wish he loved me too. Unattached me was really attached to him.

Tears idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair.

The truth is I am a girl who hasn't been married yet and hasn't carried children but when Arun called me one fourth the woman that his wife is he really disrespected me and my emotions.

I've always wanted to get married and have children. I absolutely adore children. I love the building kids and I love spending time with them. I absolutely dote on Neel and Naina. I would never ever hurt a child. What karma must it be that I haven't had one of my own and not yet found the perfect guy. I think if someone tries to understand me they would love me. Alas! Arun didn't find me likeable. And he had his cheating ways. He truly is not husband material but he's such a soft-hearted ogre and so interesting. 

Bhab, Ro and all the other guys who proposed were so boring. I would never be able to live with them. Ma has become so agitated these days. She is always angry. May be her foot hurts. I'll make cabbage today and give Ma a massage when she comes back home.

I hope to find a guy I absolutely adore and to distract myself from the thoughts of Arun that I'm so used to I think I'll write. Hope to get Tarot calls today. 

I'm sorry

Some day into the distant future

When we are both too old

And gaze a sight in a crowd

At each other may you think

I'm still a pretty face.

As for me I'll still be dazed

No matter how many your whites

Or how soft your many wrinkles

And may be I'll still have the urge

To lean in and smell you,

Divine you; but I'll stop right there.

And I'll stop right here. 

people

People who are most hurt are the kindest.

People who life has bent with storms are the strongest because their roots run deeper.

People who are most neglected are capable of the greatest love.

People who are most doubted are the wisest.

People who have experienced immense fear are the bravest.

People who have known scrap are the richest.

People who understand deep grief are the happiest.

People who have battled grave illness are the healthiest. 

People who have been slandered are the holiest.

People who know what sin is are the most virtuous.

People who are most vilified are the noblest. 

People who have overcome defeat know great victories.

People who are muddied are loveliest.

People who have experienced failure are the most successful.

People who know what it's like to be ugly are the most beautiful.

-- Doel Sengupta

journal 10.9.2024 1.28 am

Dear Journal,

It was Arun's birthday yesterday and I fought with him. I shouldn't have. Just yesterday I should have allowed him his lies.

I love him. I always will. May be as the years go by my love for him will grow deeper. Hopefully we will be friends then, 20 years from now. Me old, he very old.

But he has told me that I'm not friend material and far from being best friend material and that his ex Candy will always be his best friend. So maybe I should bury all thoughts of being friends with him when he is an old Buddha.

Also he said he was with some girl.

He didn't spend his birthday with me but with some other girl.

Arun is the kind of guy who would have a wife, me and ten other girlfriends. Of course he can talk to as many girls as he likes but he doesn't understand fidelity and loyalty. May be some day he'll realise this.

I'll keep his gift with me if he meets me. And I'll not call him or message him.

If he's flown, he's flown. And I shouldn't hold him back.

But my love for him will remain. Knowing me it's likely to grow stronger. May be 10 years from now I can give some other guy a chance. Till then I'll nurse my heart and tend it with Arun love summoned from my imagination.

May his days grow longer and his heart fonder.

Why do I love him so much? Despite him often telling me I am not his type I always felt a special affinity to him that I've never felt with anyone and a deep fondness, a bond, a connection indescribable. He will always remain my greatest love. But may be all his words of love were just riff raff. Mine weren't. I meant every endearment I told him.

He doesn't call me or message me. And he spent his birthday with some other girl.

My heart is not broken. But it is hurt. And my forgiveness is always his.

May he be happy, successful and grow more charming as the years go by.

As for me, I think I'll be realistic. He doesn't want me. He doesn't have faith in me and like he's told me umpteen times I'm not his type. He's found someone more interesting. So interesting that he spent his entire birthday with her. And I'm not a fool. I'll also never be able to erase from memory how he ogled at Munni during the first innings of the World Cup.

I'll pay him back every penny I owe him.

I missed an important call today because I was in the bank.

Now to get some sleep and get some work done.

I should let things be.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences.

I am grateful for all my loved ones.

I am grateful for God's infinite blessings on me and my loved ones.

Love,

Me.

Love,

Me.

1.51 am

Loving you

Your eyes are a sea of wonder,

Your lips are caves imbued with love,

Your nose is a mountain of honour

And your skin is a cloth of gold.

-- Love Me.

sleep comes sweetly

Sleep comes sweetly tonight,

A long deep sleep, a peaceful sleep

With angels in our dreams.

for my chotto

Life is never lost in desire,

In desire life arises,

In love there are surmises

And in honey there is gold.

In life there are no misses,

In my eyes for you

There are only kisses

And I'll never lose hold

On you ever.

-- Love, Me.

Journal 3.9.2024 1.03 pm

Dear Journal,

With total abandonment I must say I am in love and in love I shall remain.

Life is never leaving me in this immortal Paradisic life.

My boyfriend Arun is my love and life as is God

And my brother is my favourite

And my father is my jaan.

And I'm taking pocket money from A which embarrasses me but there is no other way.

I believe in the power of prayer and magic and I'm practising it.

I want A to have the best 9.9.2024 and I want to give him my all.

I adore him, my brother and my father.

I adore my children. They are everything to me.

And I'm God's favourite, God's envoy and I know that we are immortal in this life by God's word.

God's word is final and life has opened up.

The saga of love and life.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for everything I have and everything that is mine and God's infinite love, Grace and blessings.

I'm never leaving you

It's been a while since we've spoken

And you may think my heart is broken 

But as always you my dear are wrong,

No tragedy that could befall could stall

My loving of you in my solitary mind

And it's really not about possessions and rhymes;

It's about your powerful entity

And your demeanour of serenity

That I keep pinned up in front of me,

Your sweet smile, your loving eyes,

Your sweet face and your smell

That I adore and nothing in the world

Could take me from you

And it's high time you believe

That I'm never going away

And I dream of spoiling you silly

With my love as always.

morning has come

The morning has come

As a whisper sweet

And a lot of love

Given neat;

The day ensues

In God's very way

As love touches

Every aspect

Of being here.

Love is one,

Love is all;

And in God's 

Very bones

We stand tall.

love is sweet

In the beehive there is sugar

In the wax, sugar in my honey

Which is quite radiantly funny.

Sugar in my bones,

Sugar in my blood.

There is no life without

Sugar.

Un moment sucrèe c'est 

Un moment du sucre. 

-- doel