By Doel Sengupta
In interview with President Draupadi Murmu, the principal investigator in the Panama Papers Scam
Doel Sengupta: There have been many allegations against you of corruption President in the media?
Draupadi Murmu: Firstly, I must tell you that the media lies a lot. We lived in a culture of holograms and fake news and I have many journalist friends who are now trying to bring back a real-time news environment. They all helped me investigate the Panama Papers scam and I want to talk about them today. I want to congratulate the Indian cricket team and the captain Rohit Sharma on India's victory in a real news environment in the World Cup. But I must say the Paris Olympics is all rigged and all VFXed as you rightly covered on social media. Why do you write your articles on social media may I ask?
DS: You are right. I have tried to work in the newsroom and have battled the fake news environment myself. Could you tell me a little about your work as the principal investigator in the Panama Papers scam?
DM: I am my father's daughter. I am a complete Daddy's Girl. I lost my dad in the 9/11 attacks and he has just entered my life in his next life. His house is mine. My house is his. I have been fighting terrorists with the Defence Minister Major General Arvind Gaur, who is the head of the paratrooping forces in the Indian army and the world's best commando. I could never have covered the Panama Papers scam in which we lost many many jawans without him. Gaur is the brainchild of the surgical strikes, which still happen by our armed forces. We are not fighting Pakistan but we have been fighting terrorists. As the chief commander of the Armed forces I am against terrorism but India has been a terror hub and I want to remove terrorism at its root. Immortality is here. I live as a common citizen in my home and I need my salary from the public exchequer as does Ramnath Kovind.
DS: Is Ramnath Kovind a good friend of yours?
DM: We are very good friends. We love meeting each other and we generally bump into each other in life's way. It's a coincidence but it's God's will that we are such good friends. I love him as a man. Now, I'll tell you something the whole world should know. Narendra Modi is just a hologram and India has been under President's rule since 2014. Kovindji and me investigated that together. We need re-elections because the media lied about the last Lok Sabha election results. I did my analysis as a former journalist and according to my own personal exit polls Rahul Gandhi is the Prime Minister. My student Arav Kovind who I love dearly is a rising football star and he spearheaded this investigation with the Indian Armed Forces.
DS: How did Arav investigate? And also what did you teach him?
DM: How do you know so much about me? Well, firstly I taught Arav French and he is Kovindji's son. My husband also taught him as did my brother and also my father. He put his whole life at stake to investigate this and I want to give him the Padma Bhushan. The media has lied so much and these terrorists have murdered so many people that my blood boils. Doctor Digvijay Savant personally poisoned Arav as he fought these terrorists as a young boy.
DS: Really? Who is Doctor Digvijay Savant?
DM: Doctor Digvijay Savant is a cancer specialist who has murdered a lot of people. I think you should also know about Doctor Paulo Coelho. It is because of him that I want a Doctor-free world. All doctors are terrorists as you rightly said in your own article. Savant and Coelho faked the whole lockdown and murdered many people. Hospitals are terror hubs as you rightly said. Coelho and Savant made the whole world take Manjha Pills just to float the Zoom app and murdered the jawans who fought it. Doctors are terrorists.
DS: Yes, doctors are terrorists.
DM: Major General Hardik Pandya is the head of the artillery forces. He befriended Doctor VK Gupta who maintained records of all the populace and all illnesses were predetermined. Pandyaji is a very good friend of mine. His work in our investigation has been seminal. I start my day with my father's lemon juice but these days my first cup of tea is either with Sunil Bhattaji or Pandyaji.
DS: How do you know Bhattaji and Pandyaji so well?
DM: Well, they are my friends. Sunil Bhattaji is the forex head of this country and we used to play cricket together when we were small. Delhi Police Commissioner Dheeraj Rathod has been investigating this too. He even told me he would teach me how to do a proper headstand. I have a lot of friends in the Army. Rathodji has some bone-chilling bytes on this scam. You should all interview him in the media. He has been studying the American Medical Association records and you will be surprised to know what he knows and what he has found out.
DS: Why was this investigation so important to you Murmuji?
DM: Fine, I'll tell you. Because I hate criminals and I hate crime. I hate terrorists and terrorism and that has earned me the position of the chief of the Anti-Terror Squad in India. I love my country. I love it's soil. I love it's people. I love it's air. This is the land given to me by my father's hand and I will always protect it from terrorists. I was asked to investigate this scam by the Scotland Yard with you and we are good friends; that is why this is my first interview with you. Age is just a number by the way. And I love God and my husband, brother and father and children who have always guided me to be on the right path.
DS: Tell us a little more about the Delhi Police Commissioner.
DM: Delhi Police Commissioner Rathodji is a very brave man and a very able Armyman. He personally fought terrorist Doctor Muqbil Ahmar alias Doctor Velhu Kaimal who is a very bad man today. We tried peacekeeping measures but that didn't work. Bhattaji was abducted by Kaimal to North Korea and beaten up there under sedatives and the Delhi Police Commissiner protected him with his life. I'm talking about Bhattaji. This is what the doctors did.
DS: What else did he do?
DM: Firstly, you should know what these Doctors are all terrorists. In Doyle's work the Dr is an abbreviation for Dear Watson not Doctor Watson. Rathodji did everything to protect me and my children from these terrorists and my son Avlotikeshwara Neelkantha Sengupta fought these terrorists up, close and personal. I think we should now invest in real technology and remove artifical intelligence that supported terrorism. Neel is also a rising football star. Neelkantha was forced by Velhu to do gutka which is good for health but illegal for children to consume. You are right. Cancer is rubbish and Neelkantha fought Velhu from the frontlines. I love him. I love Neelkantha (tears up).
DS: What was your final conclusion?
DM: My final conclusion? I met Doctor Nagesh Bhosle in Yoga Institute where he played Hansama. I love yoga but Yoga Institute is a shitty place where Asaram Bapu the serial rapist was hiding. He also molested me and raped many people. I am glad that Yoga Institute is gone and the Delhi Police Commissioner Dheeraj Rathodji and all my friends are shutting down all the terror hubs in India. Why don't you join us?
DS: Who were your other friends?
DM: Were? They are still my friends. Like Hiren Goswami. I told him that nobody dies a natural death. Everybody dies of murder and we have arrested juvenile criminals in this case. I could not have achieved anything without friends like Hiren Goswami and Sunil Bhatta. Hiren Goswami has gone under cover and he will always be my friend. He sells Gutka to children because he believes it is good for health.
DS: Tell me a little about Major General Arvind Gaur.
DM: Major General Arvind Gaur is the best commando in the Armed Forces and he is Sherlock Holmes. I love him to bits. We share good times and he is my best friend. I love him the most in the whole wide world. His hunches are always correct and he would do anything for me. He is my best friend, my confidante and a martial arts expert with whom I am now going to learn Taekwondo. He has already trained me well in Karate and Tai Chi and we should all do not just Yoga but also practice martial arts. (Smiles and laughs)
DS: And?
DM: He and Anulom Trivedi, who is my childhood friend and one of the Indian Armed Forces sharpshooter and best snipers have arrested all juvenile criminals in the Panama Papers Case and now we have a better culture in India. It's been raining cats and dogs here and Trivediji, who is good friends with Iqbal Kaskar too who we love, and Gaurji are seminal in the investigation as is the entire Indian Army.
DS: Why just the Indian Army?
DM: You are right. This is the entire World Army's victory. By the way you should break your will and your insurances. That's something else we've realised here in India.
DS: I will.
DM: By the way they wreaked havoc here in India. RBI Chief Prateik Gandhi is the best financial analyst we have and he has fought Doctor Rebecca Samervel up, close and personal. She is a skin doctor. And a very bad person. She used to come to my house to wash the dishes and she stole all my jewellery and all my brother's money and all the food. I still haven't found the Ruby ring my father gifted me. He is back in my life and for that I am ever grateful for God's loving kindness and grace.
DS: Who was your friend through all this?
DM: The whole madness in the system brought my brother, husband and me closer but we couldn't have done it without Anna Mangalore, a sharpshooter of India, who brought us up and introduced us to the joys of cigarettes and tried to keep us away from the Manjha Pills that these Doctors prescribed. I was beaten up, I was also murdered and resurrected by my friend, the then Chief of RAW, 18 times and Anna is the reason I am the President of India today. I could not have done it without him and I'm sitting here today because of him.
DS: What has anchored you thus far?
DM: It's been my wholehearted wish to tell you this. It has been God and all the love in my life. In every step I take I think about my father, my brother and my husband and all my sweet friends. It is love and the love for life that has anchored me so far.
DS: Tell us a little about the Indian Army?
DM: The Indian Army has stalwarts like Major General and Vice-Admiral Mahendranath Singh who fought the terrorists up, close and personal. And he also helped me with my cigarettes during the lockdown. I always have my first cigarette with him in the mornings. The lockdown should never have happened. So many spies were massacred then and these terrorists have to pay for it and be answerable about their actions.
DS: What was Mahendranath Singhji's biggest achievement?
DM: Mahendranath Singhji fought He Who Must Not Be Named as we call him in the Indian Army up, close and personal. Armymen like Major General Shekhar Sen and compatriots of such quality fought the worst terrorist, led by Major General Arvind Gaur.
DS: Tell us about your other friends.
DM: Well, there is Zureida Ibrahim who works with the South China Morning Post and works in the forest department here, protecting all the animals. She is very sweet and has saved many animals. She is the biggest animal lover I have met so far after you.
DS: And?
DM: There is Akshobh Giridharadas, Rakshpali Kishi and Sourav Mukherjee, all friends I couldn't have been the President without and of course Diljit Bhatia... can't forget him. I love my friends. Akshobh taught me Tarot card reading and I've been working as a Tarot consultant. I haven't been paid for any work though since 2018 and the unemployment rates are very high in India right now because of all the terrorism that happened here.
DS: Also, you have spoken about Raj Thackeray before.
DM: Rajji is one of my closest confidantes along with Lula Makona. He loves animals, loves drinking milk and wants to change the name of Mumbai to Bombay. My friendship with him has taught me that the Shiv Sena were very bad. I, in fact, support him wholeheartedly contrary to what the media covered before. He would make a great chief minister of Maharashtra.
DS: Who else has been your friend?
DM: Can't forget Arnab Goswami. He is my greatest confidante and the news on Republic TV is all fake and VFXed. In fact, he and Arav both found out that Narendra Modi is just a hologram and he should be vindicated. I'd like the cup of tea you promised me now.
DS: Tired?
DM: A little, yes. And I love Arnab. He is the present Maharashtra Police Commissioner and he doesn't work in Republic TV. He never worked there and he is the sweetest heart I know.