Journal 10.25 pm on 6.8.2026 feeling irritated

Dear Journal,

There should be a cap on my mother's concern.

Today Twi and me took walks and had panipuri. I was telling her how I read Ma's prayers in her diary-- she prayed for me to quit journalism, she prayed for Arun and me to break up, she prayed for me to not be a Tarot reader etc etc.

That whole Ma aspect is making me feel so irritated with her. She is so controlling!

I am feeling:

Irritated

Caught in my circumstances

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.29 pm

Journal 6.20 pm on 6.8.2026 sexuality & yes, cigs do hijack....

Dear Journal,

Today I got messages from DeJh and Noel.

DeJh said something like he can't meet me today and I told him that I didn't expect him to. Then he sent such a huge volume of messages that I ignored him. He is annoying.

Noel encouraged me to quit smoking. He told me that I must love myself when I don't smoke cigarettes and accept myself without cigarettes.

After that I tried to not smoke and just smoked one about half an hour ago.

I felt so sexual and I missed Arun through this craving. I wonder how he is.

Somehow intuitively I feel that he tried to get going with that girl called Rutuja. I don't know but it's something I think about.

What should I do about my sexuality? I don't want to date just any guy. And frankly, I'm irritated with DeJh.

Modelley has not been coming. Now I'll wash the vessels. I hope to make the most of this evening.

I am feeling:

Loving

Sexual

Happy

I want a companion. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

6.27 pm

Ps: About 20 years ago I had attended a lecture by VVai at Tifr on how drugs like marijuana hijack the brain's reward system.

I asked her whether cigarettes hijack the brain's reward system since I'd just started smoking cigarettes. 

I've got my answer definitively from life. YES. CIGARETTES HIJACK THE BRAIN'S REWARD SYSTEM. When you smoke cigarettes you don't feel like doing much else. You don't feel like accomplishing tasks. You don't feel like taking action towards your life.

I've given up all sorts of drugs. And I have alcohol rarely. I might as well quit smoking and reclaim my agency, reclaim my life. Then I'll be that pretty 12-year-old girl who was an athlete and aced dramatics. My skin will glow and my mind will be sharp and incisive.

Love,

Me.

7.41 pm

Ps2: And my nostrils have become all flared and wide as Arun's nostril, full of raw energy. I wish he were here to love and kiss and caress. I would have so loved that through this phase of my life-- smelling  him... sigh. I'm not very happy with my career at the moment to be honest. 

I think I'll go downstairs and spend some time with Twi.

8.00 pm

Journal 11.11 am on 6.8.2026 seeing vladimir putin in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw Vladimir Putin in my dream. At first I thought he was a very bad guy. Then my view of him softened. I also saw Arun in the same dream sequence, discussing a movie or something. The details are quite sketchy.

I am going to study today. It's a good good day!

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly lonely

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.14 am

Journal 8 pm on 5.8.2026 I love myself

Dear Journal,

A few years ago I had contacted a suicide prevention helpline because I was feeling depressed. This was about 4 years ago.

The consulting psychologist on the other end asked me to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10. I said 8 to 8.5.

He said that that's great! That means I have good self esteem.

I went and asked this question to Ma and Pa. Ma said 3 and Pa said 10, saying of course I love myself.

The moment I decided to let Arun go a surge of good wishes for myself poured out of my being into me. Intention makes all the difference.

I spend such an inordinate time with myself that I might as well love myself.

I haven't really studied today. I think I never really wanted to be a teacher. But I have this gig. So today after going down to buy milk and roti I will study a bit.

Right now if I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say I'm a 10.5.

I think I'm a kickass humanbeing. I'm a beautiful person as are all the people who grace my life.

When I was with Arun I was earning money through Tarot and there used to be so many clients in extramarital situations consulting me. And I used to feel that everyone is living a similar life. It's exactly 8.08 pm.

I want to be my best friend. I want to always be kind to myself.

Lately everyone I'm meeting has been talking about self love-- oneness of life and it's environment. My life and my people flow together.

I feel most awake at night.

Not a moment is being wasted. There is so much time really and I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. Everything that has to happen is happening in the here and now.

Modelley did not come to work today.

Twi just messaged that she is waiting for me. I'll just go and talk to her.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Loving

Determined to quit smoking. I have been taking long walks ever since I was small. I can replace my cigarettes with long walks.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.15 pm

Ps: There is that feeling again accompanied by a sexual urge. Right now there is no one to direct all this love to.

I'm so different from the rest of the girls. Today I spent time with Twi and Hamida aunty and they were discussing maids, the redevelopment and practical things.

Hamida aunty said that she has really enjoyed life. She told me Im looking very pyaari and good.

I hope to become most career-oriented in the coming few days.

And I want someone loyal to love.

Tomorrow will be a good good day!

I am feeling:

My ears ringing

Happy

Awake

Really want to quit smoking.

10.13 pm

Journal 4.45 pm on 5.8.2026 I refuse to give up

Dear Journal,

Ma just came back home. I've been reflecting on my parents and my life. Ma is such a good girl. And Pa is such a good boy. Ma and Pa have never cheated on each other despite being unhappy.

I don't know what a happy marriage looks like. From Arun's account all people sleep around, all people have extramarital affairs. From Arun's account cheating is quite normal. That is so sad, firstly toh. And secondly, it makes me trust him less.

I think I grew up in an unhappy home. It's only Buddhism that has brought in joy into our lives and I should never give it up.

I've met so many different kinds of people striving in my Buddhist practice.

And my Buddhist practice has also made me realise that all people suffer and that I must always cultivate kindness because you never know what the person in front of you is going through. That's number one. I'll never stop chanting.

Then I'll never give up on myself. I'll always take my medication because it means that I trust in my growth and progress.

And finally, I'll never give up on people and in love. No matter who is in front of me-- whether it be Mukesh Ambani or Amitabh Bachchan or a Bhalla or Sunil bhaiyya i'll show respect to all lives. You never know what the soul in front of you is going through.

I hope to find love. You know journal these days I feel so darned lonely.

We are a quiet household. We don't really talk much here.

All my best conversations were had with Arun-- I'll never forget him.

I'll never give up on myself dear Journal. One more step forward each day.

I also hope to quit smoking.

The goal of human life is freedom and happiness. May I bring joy to all and be the ultimate successful. Its exactly 5.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.03 pm

Ps: I feel so sexually aroused. I wont be with just anybody. I hope to find an excellent companion. I am not going to pleasure myself.

Journal 1.10 pm on 5.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream well after 10.10. It's exactly 1.11 now. I saw that I was telling Rohit Handa that my parents didn't leave me any money and he says there must be money. 

Then I find a box full of ten rupee notes... many many many of them.

I smoked 4 cigarettes in the morning. I promised myself I would smoke no more and that I would study.

I went to meet DiPan in the morning.

I told her about my dream of being at my lowest point and she said that I'm definitely not at my lowest point. So many things are in my favour. She also told me to never stop chanting.

Now I'll have a bath, eat lunch, chant and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.15 pm

We two

All the circumstances support

Me with you.

Then where are we stuck so royally,

We two?

It's the tip of a sea mountain, 

The wonderment of my music

And one way or the other--

Together we are gifted.

Not that much time has passed.

Is that a bouquet in your hand?

This saga will never end.

Letter to God 10.08 pm on 4.8.2026 A tale of all I want

Dearest God,

With what purpose have you put me on Earth? To what aim? What do you want of me? What is the best course of action now? I want you to reveal it for me in my dreams.

I think I want your infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life. I believe in your power and your might. Whatever you've told me will happen actually happens. I've felt your presence. I've also felt your wrath.

Firstly, can you make this world a more lovely place? Without wars, without disharmony, where all beings mean and intend well, where we live with love and with joy and everyone has everything they need and more.

I've handwritten so many things to you in the past and I don't want to get lost in thoughts of you because that means I'm lonely.

Firstly, give me love and give me Arun's lifelong friendship. Since he is married his friendship will suffice. What are your plans for me?

Arun has told me that he will never watch a movie with me. Give him the desire to dial my number, to want to meet me. Give me him in this life.

Because God I want his steady presence in my life.

Sometimes you give something and then you take it away. Don't do that with love in my life.

Give me a relationship with someone of mutual love, mutual committment, mutual devotion, mutual happiness, mutual trust and mutual respect and togetherness.

I really crave that maximum at the moment. I crave someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone whose shoulders I can lean on. Help me pay Arun back.

Second of all I want to quit smoking for good. Prepare circumstances such that I kick the butt for good.

Help me leave my mark in this world with my creations and my creativity. Give me riches, give me fame, give me the joys of a successful career as an actress and a writer.

Help me buy my own house.

Make Ma's ulcers disappear, Pa's bones heal and give Buro a financial breakthrough. Give me a financial breakthrough!

Let me have money.

Help me be prepared for class each Monday and teach my students to the best of my ability. Let them score high marks.

Give me respect, love and the joys of life.

Give Arun a happy life. May he win his Oscar.

Make my health problems go away.

Guide me to fulfil all my responsibilties to the best.

Help me strive, guide me to be consumed by work. Help me stand at the pinnacle of success and never move from there.

Guide me to spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Give me the bounties of your gifts and spoil me with choice. Spoil me oh dear God because when I come to you tender and ripe I shall be healed.

And shower your infinite love, Grace and blessings on all creation and show not your wrath!

Love,

Doel

Journal 8.32 pm on 4.8.2026 it's written in the skies

Dear Journal,

Some things are so obvious like it's written as a sign in the skies. And you don't need to probe. That is what it is.

Today I woke up at 9.36 from a dream where I saw Arun. I saw in the dream that all the conditions were right for the two of us to date but we are not dating. I wonder how he is.

It's written in the skies. It's so obvious he has someone to talk to these days.

He brought me infinite joy and happiness. I used to be crazy about his smell and crazy about him. May be I still am. I still love him in that subliminal way you love a boy when he touches your heart.

His love, his kisses, his stupid lies, his smell, his stories, his people... aah! Those were the days.

Then I attended a meeting with Tejal where she just briefed me about what I should teach next Monday.

Then I bathed and ate my lunch which was bhetki with rice.

Then I lay down for a bit and after 4, me and Ma went to Harsh.

I came back and had alu bhajiya... I'm spending too much money on smokes and colas. Abdul's shop has reopened.

Then I went to meet SeeDhi. For some reason these days my self talk has become very positive as if I have fallen in love with myself and I inside am being newly appreciated by me.

I told SeeDhi about how lonely I'm feeling. We discussed the frivolousness of relationships.

I told her about how I don't like attention from men, especially married and taken men and how all my male friends denigrate their wives and talk poorly about them.

Then I told her that I'll never find a guy like my dad who will always say I'm right. Then SeeDhi surprised me with her input.

She told me that Ma has told her that Pa has never been affectionate towards her.

All those years of thinking that my parents are in an unhappy marriage, I was right! It's now only in Buddhism that I can say I have a happy family.

Otherwise Pa with his tantrik, Ma with her negativity. Those were probably the worst days of my life.

All my life I've seen Ma fighting with Pa. Nowadays she doesn't that much. When I was in college Pa once told me that he is very lonely. I'm sure he has had his share of women friends whom we don't know.

What we see is Ma with her circle of girlfriends and Pa with his male pals.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm grateful for the friends I have.

Today A Alam messaged. Then he called. He told me that I don't love myself and that I'm too nice to everyone. He is one of my poor friends-- always struggling with money and negativity.

And I decided today as I was walking out of SeeDhi's house that I would take all my problems to God. I would converse with God. God is my companion in a world where it seems I have such few companions.

I'll never again talk to Arun the way I spoke with him the last time. He brought me so much happiness and love. I'll never forget him.

Tomorrow I have to go meet DiPan and I hope to study tomorrow.

I also hope to reach a point where I never smoke a cigarette again.

I intentioned for it to be a good day today in the morning. Has it been a good day? I'll ask ChatGpt.

On the road of life

I am on a journey

To spread love

And be successful

Bringing joy to all hearts!

I think I'll write a letter to God now after I go down and smoke a cigarette. I will quit cigarettes too.

I am feeling:

Heart slightly heavy

Loving

Happy but sombre

Serious

Awake

Bright

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.58 pm

Journal 1.52 pm on 4.8.2026 There is only one

Dear Journal,

I'll never call any other guy except Arun Honey and Shonapie. I have my reasons.

I love him. I always will.

Now I'll chant, eat lunch and study.

Love,

Me.

1 54 pm

Journal 11.46 am on 4.8.2026 I need accomplished friends

Dear Journal,

Ever since I've entered the film industry Ive made a lot of poor struggling friends. I need more accomplished friends.

I spoke to TejAur today. She helped me with my lesson plans. Then A Alam called. He is so struggling. There is SKum, SaSe, AnGau, Shanky and everybody else. Everyone seems to be struggling and poor.

I want more accomplished friends. I want to be accomplished.

I am feeling:

Happy

Lonely

A little empty 

Stable

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.51 am

Journal 10.05 am on 4.8.2026 a dream of Arun

Dear Journal, 

I saw a dream where all the conditions are right for me to date Arun. Even then, I'm not dating him. I saw myself and him together in the dream, kind of standing together.

Today I have a meeting with TejAurad.

I better buck up!

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.08 am

Journal 12.20 am on 5.8.2026 Where is the love?

Dear Journal,

In any long-term relationship the love transforms, the heart transforms and as Arun says The Love Goes Up the Stratosphere.

Does it then mean that love is lost?

At the end for a long-term relationship you don't really have to love the person, you just have to like them... that was what Sunny told me during Vipassana.

I feel like I've lost my love.

At the end in a long-term relationship like marriage it's practical concerns like committment, loyalty and trust that play a big part. And these are earned privileges. 

I just hope that if I get married, I'm not cheated upon. I want mutual respect, mutual loyalty and mutual trust and the feeling of love will come and go.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.26 am

Journal 10.30 pm on 3.7.2026 feeling loveless

Dear Journal,

Firstly, I have to tell you something embarrassing. I was so underprepared for today's lectures it wasn't even funny! Tejal helped me out.

Tomorrow every thought of Arun will be replaced by thoughts of my students.

Why have I clung on to him in my heart for so long? Because he is familiar. Because no man has ever treated me with as much sexual respect as he did. And deep down somewhere I'll never forget how I fell in love with him.

But there is no passion there. And could he really always be working? And he said that there is nothing for us to discuss. And he talks insultingly. So every thought of him will be replaced by how I can love my students Dhyaan, Tarini, Kyra and all of them more!

Today I took breaks to smoke cigarettes. I will not do that next Monday.

If I were ever to kiss Arun again I would do that endearingly. There is such distance between us!

All in all today was a good day. Yesterday being friendship day I got friendship bands from my students. Dhyaan, Tarini and Rishaan just didn't want to study, so we chatted. I told them a few stories about how when I was a child what I did with my friends.

It brought me closer to them. I spoke to them, loved them and taught them what I could.

This is a phase in my life. A phase where I'm grappling loneliness and emptiness. It's really about living my life with full grace despite that. I refuse to be unhappy. I am determined to spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Why does Tarini laugh so much? Why does Dhyaan not love himself? And what can I do to better their lives?

My bachchas told me today about how everyone is dating in their school and it was really lovely listening to snippets from their lives. I would have been a great mother!

Everybody has been telling me how bored and empty they are feeling-- all the people my age. I think it must be in the stars!

What is this phase teaching me? It's teaching me patience, hard work, resilience, about happiness and how to keep loving even in arid ground. It's teaching me the value of cherishing the lives in front of me. It's teaching me to let go with grace. It's teaching me that the voice in my head has to soften.

It's teaching me about the goodness of people's hearts-- like Raaurad and TejAurad; how to work with love and grace; how to surmount obstacles and acceptance.

Children are so precious; they mean the world to me. I've loved Eshna, Koena, Ryllee, Pyaal and a great many children all my life. And they have all grown up to be stalwart!

I am going to bathe now, chant and sleep.

I really want to give up smoking.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Concerned

Focused

Awake but tired

Don't really feel like bathing but bathe I will.

It's a good night! I wish me and my loved ones sweet dreams.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.56 pm

Voice

The voice in my head,

My very own voice,

Is just so loud

And rarely coy.

It imagines

And churns

All the faces

And happenings

Of my life,

It helps me surmount

Difficulties with joy.

Me and me,

Talking to myself

On which realm

Should I now dwell?

The lisp

The wisp is caught on the breath

And I feel so distraught

As there is nary a man about me

As if with the whole world I had fought.

On my tongue there is a lisp

Of burdens I have dealt with well

And my friendship with you is flashy

As any tongue will tell.

On our misfortunes I will not dwell,

My circumstances grand and beknown

And my soul I will not sell

But it's imaginings precious and gold.

I strive easily and fully

And have reached the head of the fort,

Warm from my nightly musings

Back in from the biting cold.

It's a much better deal

Our friendship formally sealed

As with beautiful words you wield

My heart out of the snow.

Journal 10.07 am on 3.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was attending an online call which many of my old friends were attending. I had to list out topics I could write on. And Siddhi Mankame keeps trying to call me up and I keep cutting her call.

What does this mean?

I am feeling:

Happy

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.10 am

Ps: Having written the above Siddhi is probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I don't know why I rejected her call in the dream.

Also, there are many things I want that I don't pray for. Now I'll chant and study. Today is going to be a good good day.

11.31 am

Ps2: I also saw in my dream that SeeDhi and Arun were cleaning my nose just the way I used to play with Arun's nose and clean it.

I have to rush out today. Waking up late doesnt help.

12.50 pm

Journal 8.28 pm on 2.7.2026 that feeling

Dear Journal,

I went out with Ma for a drive this evening. Now she is at Bu's place.

I spent the entire evening thinking about Arun and thinking that I am discussing  him with God.

I really want to get a grip on myself and not spend so much time thinking about him.

I had hilsa today.

I am feeling:

Dimaag fried

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.32 pm

Journal 4.09 pm on 2.8 2026 im getting that feeling again

Dear Journal,

I again feel like some higher power is trying to get in touch with me. 

These are the meanderings of my own mind. I'll really miss not calling Arun up.

I wish my heart were not thumping, I wish my pupils were not dilated and I wish I was feeling differently. 

I'm feeling so sexual right now. I wish I could kiss Arun. I'm so going to miss him.

I'm feeling:

Aroused at the thought of Arun

Happy

Loving

Focused

I think i'll go down, have a cigarette, then chant, then study.

Love,

Me.

4.13 pm

Journal 1.28 pm on 2.8.2026 why do I feel this way?

Dear Journal,

Why do I feel that I've lost my love for Arun? That the flame is shining timidly? I have felt this way before. And the feelings will rush back I know.

I've decided to release him. Even though he still feels like my destiny. He still does, believe me.

Today I woke up close to 9. My student came at 9. I taught him for an hour and went for my dpm. I learnt how Buddhism is practised in Abu Dhabi, how people have transformed their karma. And again I learnt how all prayers get answered.

A casting director sent me a message about a play. I hope to bag this project.

I am another kind of Sushmita Sen. Even though I have so much love in my heart, I don't know whom to give it to.

Today both SeeDhi and DiPan said that I am so accomplished, I am a genius. Do I really give off such vibes? I'll never watch porn ever in my life.

I'll feel the pangs of love and I'll let it recede on its own.

I don't remember my dream from the morning.

I hope to get busy. I hope to mint money. I hope to find love. I hope life shifts me out of this stalemate. Once a woman is done with a man she is really done.

I've seen all my male friends remembering their exes fondly. Even Arun talks so much about the past women in his life.

But I, once I'm done I don't even think about the man. I really move on completely. And I just don't want to let go of Arun completely.

I am feeling:

Stable

Like a nice clean warm bath

Happy

Loveless but loving

I feel like I've inherited so much from my father; his mannerisms, his attitude, his way of thinking.

I wish I hadn't got angry with Arun. Whatever happens happens for the best. I should really learn to control my temper.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.46 pm

Ps: In every long-term relationship the feeling of being in love rarely outlasts the relationship. In the end it's a decision-- do you still want to keep your partner in your life? I think I've outgrown the being in love feeling when it comes to Arun but I still love him as a person. And that says a lot about how much I truly love him. The love has gone up the stratosphere!

2 pm

Journal 11.13 pm on 1.8.2026 I will not express anger

Dear Journal,

Why did I get angry with Arun? My split anger has cost me so much. I can't talk to him anymore.

With him I expect the worst and sabotage anything good going between us. I really regret my hurtful words to him, really truly from the core of my being.

I don't need to say I love him; that's my default mode. I hope to hear from him.

I am feeling:

Sorry 

Foolish

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.17 pm

Journal 8.45 pm on 1.8.2026 I hate seeing Pa sad

Dear Journal,

I hate seeing my father sad. He is down with an upset stomach. And I'm churned to see him so forlorn. I wish I could ease his worries and pains. I truly love my father, my dutiful Poppa Bear.

I have duties too and I hope to accomplish them.

Is Arun really working so hard that he has no free time? Does he not take his many other girls out for drinks? If he is really working so hard he will burn out at some point just the way I did after 12 years in the newsroom.

I don't know if and when we will speak again. If he will ever want to talk to me. From the way he talks to me it seems he wants to maintain some distance.

Actually for the past 6 years ever since I quit the newsroom I have so much free time it's embarrassing. I'd like for something to consume me again just the way news did once upon a time.

Seeing Arun work so hard one feels that one must also put in such hard labour but the Truth is one should always make room for music and poetry. That's sustenance for me.

I'll sincerely try to move on from Arun now.

I read a beautiful quote today-- When one tries to do something brave difficulties invariably arise.

Also, self love is so vital. I'm reclaiming my dignity by loving myself.

I wish Ma and Pa's health problems ease. I've not chanted ever since I fought with Arun. I will now.

I haven't washed my hair in a long time. Why don't I keep the promises to myself? I should be sincere with myself. I should open myself to me. I am a beautiful person.

I hope this emptiness disappears

And my heart is once again filled with love

And i live in symphonous harmony

Like a bright flying dove.

I hope my work consumes me. I really want to be busy with interesting work.

We don't really need to chant or pray. That is only to discipline the mind. All we need to do is wish from the heart. Life is a wish granting jewel and all our desires are fulfilled.

I won't contact Arun ever. May he be happy.

I am feeling:

Loving

Serious

A little inward looking

Happy I spent time listening to music today

I must have really hurt Arun with my messages. I hope he is fine.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.03 am

That kiss

That kiss that I am envisioning

Comes calling on a whim

As now I sit so serious,

So solemn and so grim.

You grin that charming grin again,

You share with me your life's tales

And together we are both free

In spring water deep till the knee.

I haven't forgotten a word you said

And each time you touch me

My cheeks turn red

And it's such a beautiful sonorous sound

To hear you snoring so you are not down.

I feel that life is a magic dream; 

With you by my side that's how it seems.

And I'm so happy that I met you now,

In my prime with rainbows.

It's such a beautiful feeling

To honour our love,

Guided by a hand above;

Do you have faith that we will make it?

Do you think we could live restricted?

Life has come a full circle today

Because the love I sought

I found while making hay

And the sunshine really suits your skin

And I am so happy because with you I win.

Atop a hill

I'm sitting pretty atop the hill

Deeply in love and at my own will

And you are safely down aground

Asking me to please join you unbound.

I land gently underneath

Even as it's riches I seek

And I have found the secret to making money

Which is so obvious, so darned funny

And you hold my hand and we go around,

Drinking wine and singing songs

And I refuse to do any wrong

Whether with compounders or with a bong.

There is magic money everywhere,

I just have to look and speak, it's like a snare

And we two lovebirds deeply in love,

Guided by a hand above,

Climb together another hill

And sit atop together as you willed.

Journal 4.18 pm on 1.8.2026 I am my own best friend

Dear Journal,

Today I woke around 8 from a dream where I saw Ma giving me and Buo a house each. I was eager to get my house but Buo wanted some changes to his house so he was more patient.

I think this dream is asking me to be more patient regarding everything. Happier days will be here.

I am my own best friend. I saw a video today by a psychiatrist who said we are our best counsel-- we don't need to read books, or seek advice, we are our best advisors-- we have all the resources within us.

Apropos Arun I've been kind of ruminating and I think since he is married I should kind of let him go. Also, by his own admission he has never been true to any woman, so that makes me feel he'll hide things, not speak the truth.

Come on! How busy can he be that he has no time to talk at some point?

Ever since he blasted me on the phone for talking about chanting I don't feel like chanting. I was worse than him when the chant was introduced to me. I had zilch faith but as my impossible prayers got answered I became more consistent.

I'll always love Arun, ALWAYS. But his hold on my heart is getting weaker by the day; he doesn't make any effort to keep in touch or be friends; in fact for some reason he talks to me insultingly.

I don't know when I'll date somebody, but not any time soon. I'm happy being single. Like I said I am my own best friend.

Today I went to Metamorph and some parents said their children really enjoyed my class.

I spoke to Rahul Auradkar too who asked me if I'll be teaching long-term. The education field requires a teacher to work really hard. Ive smoked far fewer cigarettes today and I really want to quit smoking. I want to go the whole evening without smoking.

I want a romantic companion, someone who loves me, dotes on me and will be loyal to me, someone I can commit to and trust, I want some togetherness.

All the cute sweet things I told Arun ever I've been telling myself, loving myself. I'm beautiful, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm loyal.

This psychiatrist on instagram also said that whenever we overanalyse or overthink something it's because the mind sees those ruminating thoughts as a project for problem-solving.

I ruminate a lot; I overthink everything.

Now I'll chant and read but first some coffee.

I deserve to be chosen. I deserve respect.

Just the way Ma and Pa have eachother and all my relations are in happy marriages, I seek togetherness with a heart's companion. That's actually my most urgent need right now. No wonder I lashed out at Arun. I was so thinking about him. It's exactly 4.44.

The days they will get better,

The thoughts they will get wiser

And our friendship will be closer

And life will get more interesting and colourful.

It's a beautiful wonderful life-- simply beautiful and wonderful.

I wish Arun all the very best with whatever he wants.

I am feeling:

Loveless

Happy

Simple

Loving

Understanding

Self-loving

Self-respecting

Sweet

Cautious

Eager to read now.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4 47 pm

I miss

Can I tell you what I miss maximum?

It's your smooches so golden

And seeing the colour of your skin

Glistening in the light above;

Your fragrance from your sweat

And your ever-reflecting glares

And I miss talking to you--

Will we ever again?

Or have you really let me go

And want a real no show?

I won't beg and plead

But you are more than a need;

You are the conversation of souls

To whom my heart has been sold.

Prophecy

You come to me by land,

You come to me by sea,

In many ages gone past

Two sayers saying sooth

Told me about you as prophecy.

I have never loved another

As much as I care for you;

Your voice makes my heart aflutter

And your fragrance is the best perfume.

I miss you as a child

Misses her father at play,

I miss you as a sister

Who watches her brother in new forays,

I miss you as a girl

Misses her favourite boy

And no one pleases me as much as you,

Not even the latest toy.

My love for you is true,

I've been more than loyal,

I really do love you

And I want you back.

I love you

I feel sad, I feel desolate,

I don't want you gone,

I can't live without you

That you must have surely known.

Will we never talk

After I ranted and I fumed?

I feel so forlorn these days,

I am far from being groomed!

There is so much work to do!

There is so much looking ahead!

Your cheeks the colour of gold,

Mine ashamed and very red.

I love you as a girl,

Doe-eyed and sweet,

I love you dearly my dear friend,

Crossing the next bend.

Built

It's being built! It's being built!

My new life is being built!

As my mother wanted,

As my mother willed.

You come there in the Autumn,

You come there in the rain,

Showering me with your love

As recedes my pain.

We are accepted as we are

As he wants changes to the floor

And can't you see I've kept an open door?

Journal 8.28 am on 1.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I saw that Buro and me were getting a new house each as given by Ma.

I want to possess my house immediately but Buro employs patience and wants some changes in his house.

Then I woke up.

I have to leave for Kandivli in half an hour.

Hope Arun is well.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Positive

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.31 am

Park bench

I'm sitting quietly solemnly

On a big park bench

Listening to the chirping birds

And feeling the slapping winds

When I see you creeping

Slowly upon my mind

With loving thoughts,

Not colourblind.

I sit and wonder

Where have we reached

Just two friends, 

Two companions,

Sometimes in heat,

Sometimes under

A soft bed sheet,

Sometimes walking around

Or sharing a drink,

Sometimes fighting,

Sometimes sweet,

But more importantly, 

Two bestest of best,

Loveliest of loves

For all to see.

My cup runneth over

My cup runneth over

With moments of joy,

Of blushing profusely 

And feeling oh so coy

And my entire being

Is flooded with love

And sooner than later

Eases all that was tough.

To smoothen edges

That were rough

I polish my cup

Because I'm that one winner

Who never once lost hope,

Never once accepted defeat;

My cup runneth over

As I get what I seek.

the world's best boyfriend

I had the world's best boyfriend

Once upon a time for whom

I penned many songs and rhymes;

He showered me with love,

And kisses so warm

And together we made music

Sometimes when we were sore.

I still think that he is

The most handsome man

To tread the Earth,

But because I lost my mind

He couldnt find me glued;

He bore, he was patient, 

I think he really tried,

But one fine day he told me

He had resigned

From the role

Of being the world's best boyfriend

As about me it looked like a trend.

His love burns bright in my soul

And I don't think I'll date another

Because he made me so whole.

I'll carry good wishes for him

In my heart all the time,

And write more truths

And pen more rhymes.

My mind

What do I tell you about the power of my mind,

Sometimes so creative, sometimes so blind,

Sometimes wandering, sometimes wondering,

Sometimes after something hankering;

It won't stand to be cheated upon

And many loves reside there and very few wrongs;

So many ideas my mind has conceived

And it can learn from the past

And see the future gingerly.

Each day I sit and polish it a little

And I don't ever want it to become brittle;

Steady and quick, galloping thunder,

My mind is rarely ever asunder.

It's seen so many realities at once,

And dreamt so many imaginings like a song;

My precious possession, my mind

Where I sow hope and very few whines.

It's the beauty of being bold and brave

As with my mind I compile many a page--

You are truly noble in the deepest trenches of it;

Now I'll let it rest bit by bit.

Journal 10.50 pm on 31.7.2026 trying to feel happy

Dearest Journal,

When you think you are talking to God, you are in fact talking only to a realm of your mind. When you feel you are connecting with thought with someone, alive or deceased, you are in fact again accessing a realm of your own mind.

I'm not an atheist. I believe in the God/Virtue principle. But I also know that even to the most intuitive mind no obstacle can pierce as long as you love yourself.

I often think about whether I would date me. My career is choppy at the moment, that says nay. But as a person I think I'm golden, I'm a good girl.

I haven't really been taking care of my looks and I haven't in some time opened a book.

I think a lot, creating causes at the intention and thought level; I've been doing that all my life-- I am a deep thinker.

As for Arun-- I wish I hadn't blown my top. I wish I felt less intensely about him and that I was more practical.

Life is good. I'm trying not to worry. I love my parents and I am deeply indebted to them for accepting me, loving me and standing by me.

Arun was rather rude when I called him up last. Once bitten twice shy. If you've been thwarted once you are unlikely to try again.

But people do rethink their words and people do change.

I don't know what to think about him. I love him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for relationships based on mutual trust and mutual love. 

Love,

Me.

11 pm

Dirty floor

The floor is so dirty 

With all the vomit I spewed

Of words of harsh truth

And angry fumes

And I clean it ever so clearly now

To dance with the flowers

Beneath the boughs.

May I not utter another harsh word

As to many creations

I give birth.

I have tidied myself,

Cleaned my abode

For tales are to be told 

And songs sung.

Black pen

Black pen glowing in the night,

Filled with ink so bright

With which I write soothing brave songs,

Righting all the way all my wrongs.

This stylo is only mine,

It belongs to me

And with it I shine,

Sometimes with apple tart,

Sometimes with wine,

I pour all my joys and sorrows,

My gratitudes and rhymes.

It is the most sturdy pen today,

A special pen for a special girl, that's me;

It is possessed by nary a soul but me

And has written stories for all to see.

This pen I hold to my chest most dearly,

Forever filled bright ink tenderly.

Chance

Please don't tell me We don't stand a chance

As you pucker your lips and weild your lance

And I shield my intentions hurriedly from you

Shaded by the tree of Life and Truth.

And what is it that would you soothe,

Is it a prettier me or some loving in a booth?

I don't know at this point if I have lost you or not

But to my life so much happiness you have brought

And I'm sorry for my insults and accusations,

I was just trying to bury my feelings all these days.

Believe me, I'm telling you the truth

Not of one other guy have I thought

Ever since I laid my eyes on you.

I should not have fought,

Your heart I should have won,

Will you never talk to me ever again?

I love you as does a daughter her dad

And a sister her brother and a girl her lad;

As in you are everything to me,

All that I desire, all that I see.

Don't tell me we don't stand a chance

Even though it's gloomy now let's see the sun.

Conversations

Whatever you are thinking

Comes to the fore

Of all your conversations

Like an interestinĝ lore

And that is why

I should hold my tongue

Before you say something angrily

Before you are done;

I must respect deeply inside

The pearls of thought

Your words do hide

And love is what I give you

Without seeking a thing

Because to my life

What you bring

Is the sweet fragrance

Of sweat and toil

Before I set the coffee

Up to boil.

You are so cute,

You are so heavenly,

So sweet, so pure

Without jealousy.

I'm sorry for my words

That you did hurt

Im sorry i was

Unable to cease

And that I did blurt

The Truth of my feelings

For you; how do I go on

Now from here?

i want to hear from you

You get what you bring to life,

What I bring is a lot of love wise

And sincerity and devotion in my bones

Not anymore sitting alone.

I know I hurt you with my words

But my heart was true and love was pure,

I didn't mean to let you ache inside

And I wanted with you to ride the tide.

How are your days going my beloved friend?

Are you happy? Are you secure? Are you content?

I don't know the outcome of this unpredictable life

All I know is that I wish I had been your wife.

I would have fed you royal jelly and royal food,

Eased your aches and worries with the sweet truth

Of having loved you so deep, so profound,

Always bringing you back to a heart turned around. 

I must tell you I'm hurt that I hurt you and myself

And on it much i do not dwell;

I just want you to know 

You can dial my phone

And I'd love to hear the tale

Of the last battle you won.

Filled with joy

That day is near

When my life

Ceases to be empty

And is filled with song

And Dances of joy

And beautiful melodies.

That day is near

When you come my way

With conversations bright

Bringing love's forays

And I wouldn't have believed

I actually almost let you go

Even before the curtains

Were drawn upon the show.

Right now the pain is easing,

My heart is becoming whole

And I am playing the coveted role

Of being the heroine of my life

Surmounting obstacles

Standing at the highest of heights.

I know my worries

Have been left behind

And all negativity

Has been sent to rescind

And I know both you and I,

My blessed friend,

Did not expect

What was at the bend.

Love and laughter

Adorn my days,

Happiness is mine

As I serve and slay

And very soon

I'll pen the tale

Of sunny days

And stormy gales

And victory is mine

To be shared with you,

Sweetly affectionately

So that I'm not confused.

Journal 7.39 pm on 31.7.2026 I am ruminating

Dear Journal,

The other day I read that procrastinators delay because they ruminate a lot. That is clearly describing me. I tend to think and think and think. I think so much that I wish I got a penny for each thought-- then I would be the richest person in the whole world!

But as fact would have it the world looks at your actions and achievements.

With such deepthinking I manifested Arun into my life. Now the outcome of our friendship depends on him; whatever he wants. I think me blurting out that I love him was inevitable. But I should not have said the hurtful things I told him. I'll always love him.

There is so much to life. There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to achieve, so much to enjoy, so much to take, so much to give, so much to love to live life to the fullest!

Ever since Arun blasted me on the phone for trying to talk about nmrk I haven't really chanted. But I will now.

Psha came home today.

I don't know if Arun will want to stay in touch after I sent him so many messages.

I'll definitely keep him in my prayers. He brought so much meaning into my life, so much joy, so much laughter and love! For that I'll always be grateful to him. I don't know how he will remember me. But I will always carry fond memories of his colourful and gregarious personality. Karma karma karma chameleon you come and go.... that describes him beautifully.

Before embarking on any task it's vital to look at all outcomes. I should have envisioned that Arun would reject my conversation on chanting. I should have seen it. Because I didn't I was hurt.

I'll try to sleep early tonight. I've been waking up really late.

Psha and me had a fun conversation today. She is such a sweet girl. She spoke about how she is transforming her relationship with her boyfriend's mother. I told her yes, praying for someone definitely transforms relationships.

Seeing her list of prayers for people in her life I have decided to also pray a lot for the people in my life. I already do.

She told me today that I explain things so well. I put tough ideas to words so easily. Yup, may be I do.

It's exactly 8.

Pa and Ma are in Nakshatra because Pa has an upset tummy. I wish I could monetarily do more for my parents. It's all this flakiness that has brought my career to where it is.

Psha told me that if I want to be an actor I have to set up the infrastructure for self tests because casting directors have stopped calling actors to studios for auditions. Yes.

I got an audition call today and I sent it.

Nishkaam karma... keep making causes, don't think about the outcome.

I know at some point life will look up. Until then I'll keep sowing the seeds.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Releasing Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Dance

I dance in reckless abandon,

I am so enjoying life

And all my pain is behind me,

Behind me is all my strife.

You watch me,

You seek some jewels of me

And I get out my books,

Expose them to your eyes

Ever so blithely.

There are copies I must make,

There are many ways

For you to love partake

And I kept you waiting oh so long

As you wrote music and penned me songs;

You are so golden in that white light,

So pretty, so beautiful, so divine 

And in the end I only know

That i could well support you,

Instead of going cold.

Most hopeful

I never could have imagined a day

When you would come to me so loyally

Showing me your many faces

Of innocence and nobility.

You are here to feed off

The outpourings of my soul 

And we are no more caged,

No more bound to tell and show.

I feed you well, I keep you healthy,

I keep you clean and sound

And where else could divine love be found

If not in my hearth and home?

I've given you direction, the map is drawn

And sometimes you are in flight

And sometimes you fawn

But never for a day since today

Have I felt fright

Rebuilding us God's way.

And whether it is to love,

Whether it is to play

I serve sometimes

And sometimes I slay

For your beauty is so alluring,

Your voice is so golden,

The most hopeful

Of all I've beholden.

Me most beautiful

It's not just me hanging around 

In bright pajama tops

Or it's not just me humming 

Beautifully to your soul's tune.

It's actually me sitting pretty atop the hill

Dancing beautifully as you set the rhythm.

It's me queenly by the night sky

Flying yonder, smitten and shy.

It's me on the road to Heaven away from Hell

Living beautifully, charmingly as life will tell.

My Life

I live my life with faith and honour 

With love calling from every corner;

Precious riches flood me from heaven,

Getting manifold than what was given.

Loyalty follows me around like a puppy dog

And devotion and trust and committment are my pet hogs;

Life could not have been lived better

As health rains down on me unshackling my fetters.

The path ahead is illumined with many jewelled friends

And experiences hearty and benign.

Paradise is where I love and live

Getting far more than what I give

Even though most generous I am

Sharing off my happenings I do as i can.

Most competent, most lucky me

Flying in the sky, Happy and free.

Journal 2.30 pm on 31.7.2026 My feelings

Dear Journal,

Ever since Arun blasted me on the phone for trying to introduce Nmrk to him, I don't feel like chanting. But chant I will.

The most likely outcome now would be that Arun would want to keep distance from me. He is married. I should never ever forget that.

That's about him.

On the work front all I need to do is read. I really want to quit smoking. Spending on one cigarette seems like a small amount but it accumulates to a lot.

Psha is coming home soon. I think I'll go have just one cigarette and chant. It's all good. Whatever happens happens for the best.

I wish all those I love a beautiful day!

I am feeling:

Happy

Focused

Heart full of love

Really want to quit smoking

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2 37 pm

Journal 12.58 pm on 31.7.2026 any feeling will pass

Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning feeling so lonely and sad. But the feeling has passed to embrace the day.

By his own admission Arun says he has never been true to any woman. Well, that's one point.

The next point is the way we treat other people indicates the relationship we have with ourselves. I should not have said so many hurtful things to Arun.

Life is so unpredictable. What will happen is unfathomable so I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

I'm going to meet Psha after lunch.

I wish I remembered my dream but I don't. I just think Pa was there in my dream.

It's a dank grey Monsoon day and I am single and bristling with self love. I think I'm a good person who is capable of immense loyalty. Whatever happens in my life is for the best.

I hope to have a great day with few cigarettes.

I'll call up RaTi in the evening.

I'm sure Arun is having good days. I won't trouble him anymore.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

What should I wear today? I think I'lll wear the off-white cotton world dress that Arun had selected for me. May he have the best life ever.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.07 pm

Journal 9.56 am on 31.7.2026 im feeling so lonely

Dear Journal,

Oneof our building cats passed away this morning. Psha says I should go to her place.

I'm feeling so alone, so lonely. I miss Arun. I love Arun.

I am feeling:

Lonely

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.58 am

Ps: As I was lying down Arun's wife's face came flashing in my mind's eye. And I realised that Arun does love his wife.

I should never forget that. I saw a dream where there was dirt on my floor and I wanted to clean it. I saw a more elaborate dream later but I dont remember it.

I should really not contact Arun. More than anything for my self-respect. I can't continue to be friends with him. I feel for him too deeply.

I hope I have a good productive day.

11.22 am

Journal 10.59 pm on 30.7.2026 Im a bit too much

Dear Journal,

I really feel embarrassed that I laid my feelings bare to Arun. And I regret the hurtful heartbreak words I told him. Really, I'm a bit too much.

He doesn't want a relationship. He has made that quite clear many times. It's exactly 11.

I don't want my heart broken again. I don't want to be rejected again.

I hope life turns out fine. I did not read Shakespeare today. ChatGpt consumed all my time. I wish I hadn't messaged Arun for so long. Do you think he reads my messages?

I need space, he needs space.

I bumped into RaTi and Warshikey today. I'll call up RaTi tomorrow.

I really hope life turns out fine. Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.

I think I'll stop obsessing over Arun and just pull out the damned textbook tomorrow and pore over it.

Whatever resolution happens I'll accept it. I don't want Arun to break my heart. He wants distance. I won't contact him.

I hope to lead a successful life.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my students and work.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful that I'm serious about quitting smoking.

I am grateful for my friends, family and Arun.

I don't want to be cheated upon. I don't want my heart broken. 

I am grateful for life and love.

I am grateful that I have friends.

I am grateful that people are accepting of me.

What you think about yourself in your head is what you project to the outside world. It's exactly 11.11.

So it's best to carve out the best image of yourself to the world. No matter what happens with Arun I'll accept the outcome.

Love,

Me.

11.12 pm

Journal 8.58 pm on 30.7.2026 I am embarrassed

Dear Journal,

I'm in a delirium. I again sent Arun so many messages! I wont message him anymore. He asked me to stop messaging him. I should really respect his boundaries.

He is focused on his work. I should be too.

I hope he forgives me for bugging him so. And hopefully I'll be able to process what I'm going through.

Actually just a few days ago I resolved a huge yearning for him. It was a desire that I had to navigate.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. Arun is married and he is hugely focused on his work. I really should keep some distance from him. Why am I unable to do so.

The day just whooshed past. And I had so many cigarettes.

I am feeling so alone and so lonely. And what really happened that I feel I've fallen in love with him all over again? He's done the opposite of inviting such emotions.

Is he about to break my heart? Will he brutally reject me? I'll be devastated. I wish my life were less complicated.

The other day SeeDhi told me that I'm not a traditional girl and my choices and decisions are also not traditional, neither is my outlook in  life.

I don't want to fall into a depression. And I want good friends to flood my life. If I had friends like Sal or Qud (not DeJh) to talk to I think I would be more tempered.

I really need to reclaim my life and broaden my view.

I should not have flooded Arun with messages about my feelings.

I think I'll just keep quiet now about the whole thing. If he wants to talk he will get in touch.

I have a feeling my heart is about to be broken. I'm going through heartbreak. I really really wish Arun had chosen me.

I hope to focus on my work and nothing else from tomorrow. Today just flew by.

I am feeling:

Brokenhearted

Stable

Embarrassed that I laid my heart bare to Arun. I wish I hadn't

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.12 pm

Ps: I just bumped into RaTi and Warshikey downstairs. They both were like Where Have You Disappeared? I should really get in touch with my friends. I think I'll call up RaTi tomorrow. And I wont contact Arun. He needs space after my messages overload. I really can be quite trying on his patience. May he be happy!

Pearl

In the deepest trenches of my heart

Love for you runs deep, clear and fast

Even as your priorities are set--

Work and money and a television at best.

You say you don't desire me

Because I don't come with any luxury

And you have decided to keep me

On the blindside neatly folded with no respite.

I listen to the callings of my mind

To exit this situation and hold my head high

But my heart it was always set on you

And I don't know how to resolve this anymore.

To never think about you is an impossibility,

To say it won't matter is not exigency,

The Truth is that this is how far I've come,

Refusing to jump, refusing to run.

I don't want you and me to be bound

To each other as a rule but a desire profound

And I know some day when you have some faith

The Truth will glitter and shimmer around with no hate.

I think I'll do the brainy thing and count my losses

Listening to my mind's call and ignore the roses.

I have never felt so morose, so down,

Never for so long have I donned a frown--

Silence says my mind, Tread Blithely and Silently

Because what is meant to stay will stay

Whether you are close or far away.

I wish I had a glimpse of the future but I know

That you don't really want me around for the show.

So I'll say to you my dearest friend

I tried really hard but the love still remained;

I don't know what is the right thing

But if I had to do just your bidding,

You asked of me some distance the other day

So I wore my dress and cast it that way.

Even though I don't so much message and call,

I'm more than vulnerable, trying to stand tall.

No matter what the outcome is

I want you to know for you I only wish

All the happinesses and joys of the world

With my love ensconced, deep and hidden like a pearl.

Journal 4.45 pm on 30.7.2026 I should really process these feelings

Dear Journal,

I've been confused-- should I let Arun completely go or should I have a flicker of hope? Ever since I've laid my eyes on him with his reading glasses not one moment or day has gone by without me thinking about him. Is this obsession or is it love?

I try not to fantasize about him. I try to be realistic. I even try to ignore thoughts about him so that I can live my life but my heart is so filled with love for him. And of course, there are his cute cute shweet photographs.

The other thing is that whenever I have asked the universe for a sign regarding Arun he has fought with me and insulted me. Always. This is what happened 2 days ago too. Should I take that as a sign that things are meant to be this way?

I don't want hurt and pain. And I don't want him to feel any hurt and pain. He has told me things like we will never go for movies together. It's over. And that he wants distance.

I wish all these complications were not there. I wish he wasn't married. And I wish he had chosen me.

But if wishes were horses I'd be flying in the sky with him.

May be the best possible outcome is to maintain silence and process my feelings without him. Am I meant to be so lonely in life? And when will my hardships end? When will I stop smoking?

He did say that We Have Nothing to Discuss, which means he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't reply to my messages. And may be at the moment he is focusing on his marriage.

So then I should just keep quiet and let it be.

It's not really about giving him the benefit of the doubt but about him and me being free.

He is married at the end of the day. Why do I find him so darned handsome? And so delectable? Why do I find his personality so appealing? And why is he so rude with me?

So no contact. Just let my feelings be. And live my life.

Now I'll bathe and study. Can't waste time.

I am feeling:

Deeply in love

Happy

Not confused anymore. I'll just let things be. Whatever is meant to happen is for the best.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.00 pm

I'm so lucky to have dated Arun! He just doesn't know how cute and sweet he is, how lovely, how beautiful, how delectable, how dapper!

Ps: and of course, Arun is unlikely to change his mind about me so it's best to count my losses and exit.

Ps2: Of course the hope is that Arun reciprocate my love. But that is unlikely given how insultingly he talks to me. So I should keep my self respect and dignity intact and exit. I wish I can get closure.

Journal 2.58 pm on 30.7.2026 I'll always love Arun and wish him well

Dear Journal,

Firstly I think I said some pretty hurtful things to Arun. I should not have.

ChatGpt seems to think that because (it's 3 pm now) Arun said We Have Nothing To Discuss he is happy and relieved that our dynamic is over. Really?

Well, whatever be the case I just did my Gongyo yesterday because I was feeling so disoriented. I didn't even bathe yesterday but I'll bathe now.

Today DiPan came home and she was telling me about her ex and I thought May Be Arun Has also found someone else. May be he has.

Anyhow I broke my pattern and chanted and all my good wishes for Arun flooded my mind. I so love this man. Why I don't know.

Le coeur a ses raisons que La raison ne connait pas... the heart has its reasons that reason knows not of.

Is it possible that Arun was taking me for granted the way I did when I asked him for money? I don't know. These are all speculations. I just hope he is fine. I think I will drop in a message on his birthday. I won't do an Arun on Arun.

My baby he is, my sweetest cutest shona pie. The colour of his skin is so beautiful, and he smells so beautiful and looks so Goddarned beautiful and is such a beautiful person.

I'll love him silently in my heart. Anything else is truly painful.

Life has a funny way of surprising me. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving Arun. May be I'll be celibate and single all my life. And that's fine with me. It's better than being with the wrong person. I'm not desperate for love. I am love.

I am feeling:

Deep love

Hoping that Arun is fine and that I didnt hurt him

Happy and Sad at the same time

Resigned to my fate

Accepting of reality

Beautiful

Wishing Arun truly well

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3.12 pm

Journal 12.22 pm on 30.7.2026 I have just one hope

Dear Journal,

I can't help but feel that it was Arun's ichinen to have me out of his life-- he wanted this, he determined it.

I have no hopes from him and that is more definitive than anything else. I don't expect any movement from him, any feeling, any desire.

The only thing I desire from him is that some day he will realise how much I loved him. I don't wish him remorse, I don't wish him any pain or guilt... I wish him untold joys and happinesses.

I just hope I get through this day in one piece and after accomplishing a reasonable amount of work and study.

I'm all alone. There is no one in my life I can lean on. I'm happy. I'm single. And i'm a good person. I know that much.

I'm not even angry with Arun for being so rude with me. It was the outcome of his feelings. It was a culmination. It's all good. We all get what we need.

This DeJh messages at any odd time. I don't want to talk to him today. I think I'll ignore his messages today.

I truly love/loved Arun. But in life you don't always get what you want. I have no desire from him. May he be truly happy. Sweet that he is. And may he get all that he wants.

Calling him up, messaging him, meeting him is out of the question.

I really don't want DeJh's attention.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sad that I won't talk to Arun ever again

A sense of loss

All alone

Least bothered about my looks and my life

Aware that I have work to accomplish

In the end I only have me, myself and Doel and nobody else.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.33 pm

Journal 10.39 am on 30.7.2026 dream

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Ma, Pa, me were on a trip and there were sandals and all sorts of things made out of beads that I wanted.

Then I saw a social media post by Armaan who looked a little like Arun showing a video of a cat on his terrace that had holes.

Then i saw a girl in a play I think who was caressed on the hands by a man and she goes and leaps on him and hugs him. Basically I was just observing situations in my dreams. I did not see Arun in my dream.

I think I've done the right thing by breaking all contact with Arun. I wasnt welcome into his world.

How life changes!

Today will be spent fruitfully.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.48 am

Journal 11.25 pm on 29.7.2026 I feel so alone

Dear Journal,

I ended things with Arun. I exited from his life. I wont call him, I wont message him, I wont meet him.

There is no point in fantasizing about him or holding expectations. Expectations from people bring a lot of grief.

The way he spoke to me yesterday showed that he doesnt value my phone calls and messages and me keeping in touch.

I'm feeling a strange kind of grieving peace after ending things.

Some people just come into your life for a season.

Arun must be so relieved. What would he want from crazy me?! Nothing. All I had to offer him was my love. But he didn't want that. He has his wife, he has his Candy and he has his many other girls.

I just hope I'm fine and that Monday goes well.

He said that there is nothing for us to discuss which means he doesnt want any dialogue from me. Today I think I gave him a lot of drama messaging him but even that has stopped. I wont message him ever again.

Without keeping in touch with him I'll keep blessing him. May he live the happiest life possible for him.

I'm feeling so unbeautiful, like a total jhalli.

I don't want him to see me this way.

In the end I'm left with myself-- all alone.

The moment I put I'm experiencing the breakup of a breakup on Facebook as a post people started messaging me. But I'm not interested in idle banter or even in love for that matter. Future love will come when it has to... I won't push it. I intend to stay away from dating apps and embrace myself.

All this love for Arun, I intend to give to myself. I don't feel the love but I know I love him. And it's over. No further discussion on that.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt

Loving

Happy

Serious

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.37 pm

Silently

I'm hurt, I'm in pain

And I beseech the heavens

To please let it rain

So that I can drown my sorrows

And let them run underwater

And rise to the challenge

As over me hope hovers.

Please let my iciness pass

Because I tell you

My niceness would last

For having loved you

Was pure joy

And trusting in you

Made me most coy.

Lingering in my heart

Is music that I wrote

When in love with you,

When I was goldenly bold.

Life won't always be a stalemate,

Count your lucky stars

I would never you hate.

Many men have serenaded me before

And I know not why it's you I chose--

My heart trampled feels so small

Wrapped in wastepaper in a ball,

Scrunched and constricted,

Feeling so low

Because now I am truly alone

As I've let you go--

I wish you all the happiness

In the world going ahead,

Sometimes violet, sometimes red

And I refuse to be a prisoner of my mind

As hope and love come calling

Smoothly in hindsight.

Journal 5.57 pm on 29.7.2026 it's vital that I be realistic

Dear Journal,

Once bitten twice shy. I stopped asking A to meet me and now I've stopped calling him up. He pushed me away-- for his Candy, for his wife, for the million other girls he feels for.

I don't think anything I did or said invited the insulting, rude tone of his voice.

It's possible that he is casually seeing someone and that is why he doesn't want to talk to me.

He told me that we have nothing to discuss.

Of course, it's over but the love in my heart is still alive.

In the end I just have me, myself and Doel and nobody else.

I don't quite agree with SeeDhi that Arun didn't give me anything. Of course he did! Why else would I love him so much?

He brought me so much happiness and I realised that my love can go very deep.

But I think this is fine. No staying in touch, just moving on.

May he shine in his career; that is what he is focusing on.

I wish I could pay him back his money.  I will.

The whole day went in being the jhalli that I am.

I REALLY WANT TO QUIT SMOKING.

I love Arun silently in the innermost trenches of my heart and better days are coming. I just know it!

Today I didnt study. Today just flew by but all days wont be like this. Life is getting better and bigger.

I don't have any hopes from Arun.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Loving

Alone

Focused

Awake

Tired 

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me 

6.07 pm

Journal 2.56 pm on 29.7.2026 Arun doesnt want me in his life

Dear Journal,

What DeJh is to me -- annoyingly sweet and affectionate-- I was to Arun. Sometimes you just want the other person to stop being so sweet and affectionate because you will never reciprocate.

I think that is who I was to Arun. I should take his rude insulting tone seriously. I am not welcome in his life.

I need to focus on my own life and move on. How busy can Arun be really that he has absolutely no time to talk? Earning money for his wife and children while always keeping a girlfriend by his side.

What did I really see in him apart from his looks and Nature? And why do I still love him when he has repeatedly said He Doesnt Love Me.

I have to make my life. All the things I know caused a rupture for him I know are true-- my meltdowns on sm, my mental health.... this relationship has been wholly taxing.

SeeDhi is right-- Arun is not giving me anything, he is not offering me a thing, and from the way he talks to me I know he doesn't want me in his life. This is just how I left Ro-- there was nothing in that relationship that was attractive to me and I left him even though he carried fond memories of me.

If Arun had even an iota of sentimentality for me, he would not be so rude.

It's not about him refusing to chant... it's his rude and insulting tone.

I regret telling him that He is Dead to Me. But what I'm seeking is closure. I want this pain to end.

It's best if we never talk ever again. I think I really mean that.

I'm feeling a little dazed and emotional. Surprisingly, I slept rather well last night.

I wish Arun the best from my heart. May all his heart's desires be fulfilled. May he get what he wants from life.

Some people enter our lives just for a season and for some reason.

I should take care of my looks. I'm walking around like a jhalli... a true jhalli... ive stopped bothering to look good this year. That can't go on.

I am feeling:

Loving

Hurt

Reasonably happy

Not expecting one thing from Arun

May he be happy!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3.10 pm

Journal 11.32 am on 29.7.2026 no expectations

Dear Journal,

One should not have any expectations from other people. It leads to a lot of pain.

Love,

Me.

11.33 am

Journal 9.45 am on 29.7.2026 I need to pay Arun

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I was dancing in a bungalow in a particular room with lots of people dancing around me with Arun watching me.

Then Arun asks me for money.

I take a printout of some documents, take my cheque book and go to meet Arun in a particular room with white tube lights.

Before going in to meet him I keep my cheque book exposed and go to take xeroxes of the documents I printed. And then I woke up.

It's over between Arun and me.

I determine to make the best of today. I hope to not fall into a depression.

I'll focus on my practice and my students.

I think I'll chant now and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Serious

Reasonably happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.52 am

Journal 11.44 pm on 28.7.2026 Life is too short to be angry forever

Dear Journal,

When I was in toi, I had once played a prank on Kuny and he was very hurt. But he forgave me, saying Life is too short to bear grudges. Those words have stayed with me ever since.

I finally unblocked Arun and sent him two messages. I won't message him again and calling him up is out of the question.

Life is too short to be angry forever. Life is too short to bear grudges. Since (for me at least) the basis of my friendship with him is a shared history of love I'll never stop loving him. I have never really prayed to Have Him or Marry Him since he is married already to someone.

I think it's best to tone things down. No matter how lonely I feel, Arun should not be contacted.

I have three problematic students-- Dhyaan, Tarini and Rishaan. They say that they dont love themselves, they say they would rather fail in life, they keep laughing and are disruptive.

As I was trying to teach them yesterday what struck me was the pain each of them was carrying. I imagine problematic homes and early childhood pain behind their angst. They even said things like they go for counselling and therapy.

I think I've also faced such pain. And I guess Arun also has his share of pain. I really don't want to contact him anymore after his insulting tone on the phone today.

I'll continue to pray for him but that kosen rufu friendship that I wanted to have with him, I'll stop praying for that. I'll just pray for him to be happy, for his Oscar and for his life. Nothing else. I don't want to have anything to do with him.

How love transforms! Once upon a time I felt that I can't live without him. And here we are living pleasantly enough without each other.

Life has gotten kind of lonely. I've been rude with DeJh because for no rhyme or reason he keeps talking about wanting to buy me things and shows affection. I feel uncomfortable with him.

I wish to have good friendships.

I'm part of this corporate whatsapp group and today there was a discussion on how people are sitting at home without jobs. The job market is really down apropos Cockroach Janta Party.

So I'm grateful for this teaching assignment I have.

I forgive Arun but this time I won't forget his rudeness. I think I need distance from him.

SeeDhi said that I should not be with him because he doesn't offer me or give me anything. She said things like I'm sure he never bought you gifts... to which I told her No. HE DID. And for some reason SeeDhi was admant and said that I'm not being respected in my dynamic with Arun.

Sometimes the outside world notices things that we can't see.

If I really think about it this year Arun didn't wish me on my birthday.  He doesn't support my career and is a lone wolf. He didn't come for my play. And beyond a point he didn't do anything for our relationship, then friendship.  The love was kind of one-directional from my side. So SeeDhi is right. I haven't really got any companionship from Arun too. So it's best to let go of our dynamic and not romanticize Arun.

Let sleeping dogs lie. I'm sure life will turn out fantastically well. For me today things ended with Arun. Today I got closure. I also forgave him today because I'm a forgiving person not because of him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Forgiving 

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.12 am

Journal 8.39 pm on 28.7.2026 it's over with Arun... i got my closure today

Dear Journal,

Any kind of love... anything I ever had in my heart for you I'm going to kill... I don't think you deserve my love... don't say Hi if you see me... don't try to get in touch... it's truly over forever! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME

These are the contents of my last message to Arun. He told me that we have nothing to discuss and he was outright rude and insulting.

I hope I don't slip into a depression. It's over. I'll never talk to him ever again. As he was blasting me on the phone I felt a strange kind of depression creeping on to me and I don't think I deserve to be treated that way.

I'll never talk to him ever again. NEVER EVER WILL I MESSAGE HIM. NEVER EVER WILL I FANCY HIM. NEVER AGAIN WILL I LOVE HIM THE WAY I DID TILL YESTERDAY.

It's over. Really over. Truly over.

I don't want him to ever contact me. I don't want to see his face.

I hope I'm fine. I really want to be fine.

I am feeling:

A whole lot of love which has no direction.

Reasonably happy but teary.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.45 pm

After cutting contact with Arun I went to meet SeeDhi. She told me that I am not getting anything from Arun-- no companionship, nothing material, no love so much so that she has noticed I've stopped caring for myself. She told me to love myself and respect my own life and to be happy and take care of myself. May Arun be truly happy. May be a clean ending is best. Now I'll sit and chant and then go to sleep. If I had not blocked Arun I would feel depressed. I feel just fine now. No point pushing anything. May he truly be happy.

10.14 pm

Journal 5.57 pm on 28.7.2026 I just blocked Arun forever

Dear Journal,

If I wanted any answer to my yearnings I got it today. Arun doesnt love me, doesnt want me in his life.

I called him up and he was so rude and so insulting.  He said we have nothing to discuss and that he will never chant.

So it's over. I cut the call and blocked him.

I will kill this love I have for him in my heart. He doesn't honour it, he doesn't deserve it.

I got all my answers today. He is not for me.

I won't tolerate insults.

It's exactly 6 pm now.

It's over forever between me and him. I don't even need his friendship. I'll focus on my students and my life.

I'm very hurt by him. It's over. I think I'll even remove him from social media at the right time, whenever I'm ready, whenever my intention is absolute.

I'll never unblock him on Whatsapp and my phone.

Bye Arun! Ciao forever!

I am feeling:

Hurt

Slightly teary

Determined to cut off all contact with Arun

Sexual yearnings! Bah! They don't mean anything. They should not be given any importance.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Now I'll go meet SeeDhi and just live my life.

Love,

Me.

6.04 pm

Journal 3.47 pm on 28.7.2026 clarity

Dear Journal,

My heart is filled with love for Arun. As I was chanting in the morning I had a feeling that Arun is facing some difficulty in his life. He is the person I pray maximum for.

So I called him up. I think he is busy. I really want him to start chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo and feel the effects of the benefits.

My mind is racing through so many things about Arun that I have experienced knowing him. His virtues far outweigh his flaws. The thing is that he doesn't perceive himself that way. I in fact saw him in my dream in the morning. I ask him how his aunt is and he says she passed away. Then I saw a doctor in the dream.

Now I'll chant and study.

I hope to have an excellent day!

I wish Ma, Pa, Buo, Arun and Sadhya a great day. It's good... all good.

I am feeling:

Happy

Determined

Buoyant

Determined

Focused

Eager

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on the lives of all those I love.

Love,

Me.

3.53 pm

Journal 11.12 am on 28.7.2026 a doctor in a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I saw a doctor. The details of the dream are sketchy. I remember asking Arun in my dream about his aunt. And he tells me she has passed away.

I woke up around 10.40 and went down for a cigarette. I had one and went to buy my second one and the cigarette guy refused to sell me a cigarette! He told me YOU ARE SMOKING TOO MUCH! NOW I'LL SELL YOU A CIGARETTE ONLY IN THE EVENING!

These are the kind of friends I need. This is the kind of thing cigarette guys should say!

Just seeing one picture of Arun is enough to warm my heart.

Today I will study! I hope to have a great day.

I am feeling:

A strong urge to smoke a cigarette.

Happy

Ignored by Arun

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.18 am

Journal 10.28 pm on 27.7.2026 a yearning

Dear Journal,

Today I kind of scraped through in a good way. The ICSE literature syllabus is enormous and difficult with tough poetry and Shakespeare. I need to really prepare for that.

And what is with the premonitions-- seeing things in my dreams before they actually happen!

I was thinking so obsessively about Arun this past week and half way into my classes today I identified it as a sexual yearning for him. And then it waned. I really don't want him to possess my heart and mind so.

Swara and Arya are angels. The third class today had problematic students. They said they don't love themselves and one of them plain refused to study today. I will employ my patience and kindness with my students.  May I guide them well.

Right now my top priorities are Ma and Pa-- I have a great responsibility towards my parents. And then my students are my second topmost priority. Fun. Teaching them is pure fun.

I read a beautiful quote by Alan Watts today that implied that in muddy water the mud settles when still, unmoving and quiet. Just like that people who are still, unmoving and quiet play a vital role in society.

What that means is that chanting, praying, taking action-- yeah... but sometimes I need to still myself and relax for the muck in my life to settle so that I can see clearly.

Now, I'll bathe, chant, read and sleep. I must work hard! I must be a dedicated, supportive teacher for my students!

Today Kyra said I don't look a day above 28 and the students were shocked to learn that I am 41. But come on! I think I look my age.

One of the students Divyansh is very talented.

Next week I better be well-prepared! I saw Divyansh in my dreams even before I met him today. That's so Goddarned eerie....

I must polish my life to such an extent that my students do well!

I messaged Tejaurad but she hasn't replied.

To a good night!

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Nervous

Stimulated at the thought of Arun

Yearning for mental peace and happiness

Determined to prepare well for next week.

And oh yes! I so easily went without cigarettes for 6 hours today. Shows that quitting will be easy.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.47 pm

Journal 12.18 pm on 27.7.2026 Im overthinking

Dear Journal,

I don't want to fall into the realms of fantasy and rumination but that is what I'm doing-- overthinking.

I am sure Arun is not thinking so much about me. He is focusing on his work. Why can't I?

I really want to have a good day today.

I am waiting for DuMa to give me a cup of tea.

I wish myself a great day for me and my students! May they enjoy class today!

I am feeling:

So deeply in love (what triggered these feelings?! Was it my dream?)

Happy

A little irate because I don't want to fantasize

Sweet

I love Arun. I'm sure Arun deserves my love. But he has been so insulting. 

Love,

Me.

12.23 pm

Journal 10.42 am on 27.7.2026 lonely

Dear Journal,

Akon said: Im so lonely. He must have said it for me because I'm so darned lonely.

I think any acting up I've done is because of my loneliness. I miss Arun. I miss our companionship.

I'm trying my level best not to overthink things.

Arun can be quite the insulting. He insulted me quite a bit the last time we met. That is why I haven't been telling him to meet me.

He will never know how he agonises me.

I wish I was more beautiful, more suave. I wish Arun had accepted my love and chosen me. But he didn't. And I should make my peace with that.

I really want him to chant Nmrk. He will feel so happy!

I love my mother.

I am feeling:

Plain

Loving

Reasonably happy with a tinge of sadness.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.49 am

Journal 9.09 am on 27.7.2026 dream of orphans

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I've adopted 4 orphans and that Chacha Nehru has been born again. That's it. It was a more complicated dream but I don't remember the details.

I wish to make the most of today.

I am feeling:

Like I'm a very loyal person.

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.12 am

Journal 9.25 pm on 26.7.2026 why am I such a last minute person?

Dear Journal,

Ever since we broke up without realising it I have the habit of checking Arun's timestamps. And my mind goes into a tizzy over what he is up to. Hopefully, naming this habit will cause me to be less obsessed.

Frankly, I have had too many colas and cigarettes today. Since I've determined to really give up smoking my smoking has actually gone up.

I should not be such an overthinker! I should really take a chill pill. It's all good. Life is unravelling at its own pace.

I remember opening my Biology textbook for the first time for my 12th boards on the eve of the board exams. And yet, I almost topped.

All my life I've prepared last minute. Even for today's study and experience I prepared just last night before going to sleep around 3 am. And yet I got a thunderous applause today.

Even for tomorrow's lectures I'll be preparing now.

What does it mean when one is in a habit of preparing last minute. Procrastination, yes! But why am I such a last minute person and why oh why in God's name do I ruminate so much?! I wish I didn't overthink subliminally everything.

Something has shifted in me. I feel like I've fallen in love with Arun all over again. I have absolutely no clue what happened and why?

I so love his cuteness.

I don't think I'll tell him anything. We decided to be just friends and i don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me.

But how do I contain these feelings and what should I do about my loving heart?

I really hope Arun starts chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. All the study is stuff he naturally spews; it will really appeal to his common sense. I have a feeling he will love it.

What has happened? Why do I feel that I love Arun so much again? And where am I headed?

I REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

I MISS ARUN INORDINATELY THESE DAYS.

I am feeling:

Happy

Overthinking every small thing

Feeling a lot of love in my heart

I think I'm head over heels in love with Arun all over again. But I don't know why? And frankly, I'm slightly scared of my feelings for him. I don't want to get lost in my thoughts like this over him. I wish I had a firmer grip upon myself and my mind!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.42 pm

Journal 2.20 pm on 26.7.2026 a cryptic dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a cryptic dream whose details I don't remember. I saw Guz in my dream and her mom and dad. There was a sense of closure in the dream, I was seeking something that belonged to me from them, some treasure, something precious... the details of the dream are hazy.

I woke up a little before 10.15 and without taking a bath left for the zadankai.

I got a thunderous applause to my experience. People clapped for a really long time. The zadankai was in Suma's new pad in Panchvatika.

As I was leading the study Arun called. I had to cut his call. I had been eager to hear his voice yesterday.

After the meeting Suma distributed cookies... yummy wheat bran cookies. She is such a sweet person.

I went to Chotto's house after that and me and Sadhya chatted. Buro told me to detach from my emotions and to focus on priorities.

I called up Arun. I really love him. As I was teasing him about his nose he wanted to hang up. May be he doesn't want me to be so affectionate. He said he is going to Hyderabad tomorrow. I just sent him the chant of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. I really want him to chant it. It will bring him so much happiness. I genuinely want him to be happy.

Now I'll have a bath, eat my lunch and study.

Tomorrow better be a golden day!

Today better be even better!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Focused

Determined

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I hope all those I love have a great day, especially Ma, pa, Buro and Arun.

Love,

Me.

2.32 pm

Journal 1.24 am on 26.7.2026 facing reality

Dear Journal,

Most vital of all is to face reality in each moment of life. I love Arun. I will always love him. Sometimes my heart fills up with so much love for him.

That says more about me than about him -- I'm capable of such deep love. May be, just may be he doesn't have the capacity to make space for me in his life. Or may be he is trying to maintain boundaries. As someone who loves him I can respect that.

He is married. He will never leave his wife. I just kind of have to live with that.

Then there is this feeling of emptiness. There is a Buddhist saying: Emptiness is the highest virtue. I'm not used to this feeling so I find it distressing.

Then there is the aspect of money. I'm not making at the moment as much as I'd like. That doesn't mean things wont change in the future. I can keep praying, keep making causes.

Then there is Ma. I probably love her the most in the whole wide world but she is a tad too demanding.

I wish there was some place for all this love in my heart to land.

Tonight I told DeJh not to try so hard to please me because it is annoying. I don't know how he took it.

Tomorrow is the zadankai! I'll just skim through the study and sleep.

In conclusion, most vital of all is to be realistic. Nothing except love is more important than that.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Cold from the ac

Concerned about my loved one's health and well-being.

Sweet

I love Arun. I LOVE MA THE MOST.

Love,

Me.

1.34 am

I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD'S INFINITE LOVE, GRACE AND BLESSINGS ON MY LIFE.

Journal 10.49 pm on 25.7.2026 I better buck up

Dear Journal,

I think my emotions got the better of me these past few days. There is nothing between me and Arun. Everything between us is history.

I would have called him today just to stay in touch but he said he is busy and he still hasnt called!

I'm really hurt by his harshness. Also he leaves messages unanswered.

I should, I HAVE TO GET OVER HIM. Why have I found it so difficult. He played around with my heart and then left me for a wife he says he is never leaving.

I actually feel like crying but I dont want to.

I'm over Arun... I have to get over him.

I'm so lucky to have DeJh as a friend. He is really good support.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

I am feeling:

Deeply hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.54 pm