Setting him free

Deep in a pit of sorrow,

It's happened before.

It feels dirty and mucky

And it hurts, it hurts so bad,

It makes me a tad sad

And gloomy to hear

Him laugh and regale all.

Boisterous. Lovely. Sweet.

I think at once you let go,

You set him free to live

As his heart desires. 

Unencumbered. Solid. True.

Freedom

 Free in the ocean of life,

Untied, unshackled,

Free to be, free to live,

Free to receive, free to give.

Free so that the Truth

May reside somewhere

In an ephemeral dewdrop

As the rain of sunrays

Flood the heart-- Free

In the ocean of life--

It feels sweet!

heartbreak

A million little shreds

Lying in a petri dish,

Threads of some time,

Some place far away.

Some beautiful memory

Of the hills and the ocean,

Blue, green, and brown,

A thread of eternity. 

Do you want to fry

The shreds? Relish

And eat them?

How do you make 

A heart whole that's 

Been cut into a million

Little shreds?

Life is mine

 The grip of soothing bliss

Acts as a surround sound

For the utter peace and

The utter despair. The

Thoughts of ignominy

And slander act as a 

Barrier and never will be.

The hand fronds of

Life secure me and

I am a little numb,

A little slow, a little

Bit sad as I go

On and on about

And about: Love is mine,

Life is good-- The heart

Is hurt with all the

Muck and dirt, swimming

About, prancing in its

Ocean of serenity; Joy

Is mine, joy galore. 

A woman is like a flower

A woman is like a flower,

Wilting if the water of love

And care don't drown her.

Ice Queen

I wish I could ease this heavy pain

Hovering over me like a dark cloud.

The kind that comes from being brushed

Clean, of love devoid and words unfound.

If a blade of grass can bear the pressure

Who am I but a heathen of bones and flesh.

A ripe strawberry has its marks and I should be bereft

And princely, kindly, ice queen that I am.

The heavy wound is now rotting and stabbed.

It's left its mark, it's dark and drab.

Ice queen that I am-- the stabbing didn't hurt,

The wound is healing, and I am whole--

The woman of my dreams.

Journal 25.8.23 3.01 pm

Dear Journal,

I don't know what has happened to me. All I'm doing is smoking tons of cigarettes and thinking. I'm also feeling a little gloomy and heavyhearted. I may be a little sad.

My boyfriend keeps comparing me to his exes and his wife. He doesn't find me girly enough. And that hurts. That makes me cry.

He says he wants to change me.

I would for once want someone who loves me for me. Even as I write this my eyes well up with tears. If he doesn't love me or take me the way I am, that means he doesn't truly love me. Logic says this won't last. And that's what hurts.

He's also so superficial. So into outer beauty and wealth. He is arrogant and looks down upon those who don't have as much as him. He is not an animal lover. In fact he hates cats and dogs. He adores children. It's endearing to hear him talk about his daughter.

I don't think this relationship will last.

It's one thing to be honest. It's another to keep comparing me to his exes and his wife.

I'm not good enough for him. I'm not girl enough for him. Yesterday when he got drunk he told me even his ex is more girly than me. That hurt a lot. I started crying. He was drunk, so was I. I think I'll quit this job.

My heart is hurt so early on into this relationship. Que Sera Sera. I wish I didn't have to cry. He has really wounded me. He says he loves me. But I know he doesn't. It feels as if he thinks I'm not good enough for him. I love myself too much. I'm feeling very broken hearted. He doesn't make me feel beautiful.

I wish life was kinder to me.

Love,

Me.

I'm grateful for my boyfriend.

I am grateful for my life.

I'm grateful for my parents and brother.

I'm grateful for my job.

I'm grateful. I'm going to feel whole again.

the haze

The haze has caught me again,

The sky is dark but it doesn't rain.

The wind is blowing in my sinew

With every breath I take I construe.

A little dream, a mighty wish,

A little wayward like a sure-shot fish.

In the stream of life I find blood

That calls me to it and my heart floods.

It's hazy underwater and I seek clear clouds

That would carry me forward away from these doubts.

I seek fresh air, a whiff of mighty life

As I shed my ego to surmount all strife.

My ideals carry me on, they are my secret desires,

Oh for a while I thought they would misfire.

Where there is colour there is pain,

Where I glow I find the insane.

What hurts is that I go on not knowing my destination,

If only the haze could give me a sign and some gumption. 

Clarity in the meadow, clarity in the sea,

One with all love I find, deep in serenity.

My stomach fills up with spirits putrid or pure,

I know not Where I am, or wherefore I go.

The haze has lifted and my chalice is filled,

In the throes of living as I willed.

Journal 22.8.23 3.13 pm

 Dear Journal,

I have fallen in love after a long time.

He's cute. He's smooth. He's sweet. He's handsome. That's amazing, right?

The problem is that he is the same with everybody. I've seen so many girls have a crush on him. And he does flirt with them.

I'm trying not to think about the future too much. He's married. Has two children. Everything sounds wrong about this. But it feels so right.

I am grateful for every experience, everything, this life and him.

Love,

Me.

PS: I want to experience the greatest love.

Faith

The voice that blared once, blares still

And it has silenced my will; the varied

Snidings, the holdings, the chidings

Ring clear in my conscience. I shut my eyes

As nary a wind blows, I slow down,

I determine as I warm up to the glow.

The voice has suffered, it has felt cold,

And snaring, and glaring and I light a flame

To warm the skin that enfolds it, and give

It a blanket to snuggle in; I share with the

Voice many coloured tales and it soothes

With all my soupy flares. I give it a brush

Of my touch as I pick up pace; the voice

That once blared now has the faith of love. 

My Intact Heart

 I got myself some magic beans

As I wished upon a star, all the sweet

Love of life was nestled in my heart;

I sought some succour, some sugar,

Like a little oily tart, the beans were planted

Late at dusk as I strolled in the park.

I wandered here, I wandered there,

I wandered here and about, wondering

To myself ever if I would meet my

Head in the clouds; I killed my pride,

I humbled myself as my dreams were

Dashing. And lo and behold there at dawn

A gigantic sprout was larking.

I remembered the promise to my heart,

I would never let it break, now shattered

To bits, I set about to repair its million

Little pieces. I had sought no perjury,

Only silver linings and a lot of dough;

I did not climb the stalk, I sat and shaded,

Guarded from the cold. My heart is clear,

And I often tear, I don't know what stratosphere

Now beckons, I eat the beans, make some jelly

And my heart is intact is what I reckon.