I don't know what has happened to me. All I'm doing is smoking tons of cigarettes and thinking. I'm also feeling a little gloomy and heavyhearted. I may be a little sad.
My boyfriend keeps comparing me to his exes and his wife. He doesn't find me girly enough. And that hurts. That makes me cry.
He says he wants to change me.
I would for once want someone who loves me for me. Even as I write this my eyes well up with tears. If he doesn't love me or take me the way I am, that means he doesn't truly love me. Logic says this won't last. And that's what hurts.
He's also so superficial. So into outer beauty and wealth. He is arrogant and looks down upon those who don't have as much as him. He is not an animal lover. In fact he hates cats and dogs. He adores children. It's endearing to hear him talk about his daughter.
I don't think this relationship will last.
It's one thing to be honest. It's another to keep comparing me to his exes and his wife.
I'm not good enough for him. I'm not girl enough for him. Yesterday when he got drunk he told me even his ex is more girly than me. That hurt a lot. I started crying. He was drunk, so was I. I think I'll quit this job.
My heart is hurt so early on into this relationship. Que Sera Sera. I wish I didn't have to cry. He has really wounded me. He says he loves me. But I know he doesn't. It feels as if he thinks I'm not good enough for him. I love myself too much. I'm feeling very broken hearted. He doesn't make me feel beautiful.
I wish life was kinder to me.
Love,
Me.
I'm grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for my life.
I'm grateful for my parents and brother.
I'm grateful for my job.
I'm grateful. I'm going to feel whole again.
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