Journal 25.4.22

 Dear Journal,

A girl will love nothing more than listening to praises about herself.

Yesterday I accompanied N to Xavier's for his shoot. Then I treated him at Quarter Deck. Well, he is good company but I definitely don't think of him more than as a friend. He praised me to no end and I felt good.

Today at 12 I hopefully smoked my last cigarette.

Regards

Doel

journal 23.4.22

Dearest Journal, 

I feel so hurt by the things my parents tell me when they are upset with me. They make me cry so. 

I haven't lived a single dream till today -- a life of many quashed dreams. I haven't gone abroad to study like my peers. Pa says ma spends 1 lakh rupees on the upkeep of the house. Why are we spending so much money? 

Ma and pa say such hurtful things. 

Enough of that. Where am I going wrong? Why am I not living the life of my dreams? 

Why am I squandering time so? Where has my chutzpah gone? 

Well... Something to think about. I don't feel like chanting or doing anything. But I feel better pouring my heart out in this journal. 

May I conquer all negativities and really overcome. 

Love

Doel

Journal 22.4.22

 Dear Journal,

Another day begins. Another day experimenting with positive thoughts. Another day to rise and shine. As I sit here in the VIBGYOR Vertex office am I happy? yes, given that the volume of work is less. Given that it gives me ample time to pursue reading.

This morning I had a dream that I was staying in a lavish hotel. I, of course, googled the dream. It means I'm not happy, but good times lie ahead.

Yes, may be I'm not happy but I'm trying to be. I'm trying my very best to stay positive. Recently, I've read a lot of literature about the power of positive thinking. From all the literature you can change your prospects by thinking positively.

The mind craves for something creative, something tangible in the way of success. And the mind shall get that.

Love 

Doel 

Journal 21.4.22

 Dear Journal,

If you want to learn how to while away time learn it from me. I've becoming an expert at it with my new job. I could utilise the time to write; I spend my time reading.

I would love to be a successful writer — I've always been told I write well. It is the after the writing process that scares me. How do you get your manuscript to a publisher?

Also, I must quit smoking. Once I do life will be so amazing I'm sure of it.

I'm sure I'll have a great day. I'm absolutely sure of it. With boss stuck in a meeting all day how can my day not go well. I hope he likes my website work.

Dreams, dreams, dreams — without which man could never be. To fulfil all my dreams would bring happiness.

Love

Doel

journal 20.4.22

Dear Journal, 

Today I took a half day much to my boss' dismay to go watch Batman with N. A guilty pleasure. 

N has definitely lost interest in me. He told me he was very hurt when I cut him off for two months. 

Well, nobody feels worse about it than me. Sometimes when the going gets tough all my bruises ache and I feel so broken. But the truth is that only good times lie ahead of me. The future is bright. This too shall pass. 

Boss messaged and said he is terminating our social media agency. Truly my job lies on tenterhooks. 

I think I've wasted a large part of my youth bitching and complaining. I always grew up listening to Ma complaining about everything. She still does. 

I've decided to never complain ever. Stating bare facts is different. The future definitely looks like the Sun may rise on Eagle Peak. Small decisions have big consequences. 

I vow to be happy. 

Grateful to N for taking me for the movie. 

Truly grateful for friends. 

Love

Doel

JOurnal 19.4.22

 Dear Journal,

By the age of 37 I can conclude that I am a fool for love. The most unreasonable loves have gripped my mind ever since I was a small child. 

First, there was N, then G (who I dated for two years), then Q, then S and seriously, I don't trust my imagination. Why would the mind want somebody so if never to have them? That is the question that you must ask even of having an imagination. Why hold on to something that is never yours. Why seek something that never will be.

Many from the intelligentsia like Albert Einstein have extolled the virtues of having an imagination. It's supposed to be a sign of intelligence. Ever since I was a child I've seen Ma talking to herself, lost in thought. I've never known anything better than having an imagination, drawing from the vast number of books I read as a child.

Buro on the other hand took on more from Pa by being sportive, driven and realistic with far more friends than me. How two siblings given the same environment can be so different?

Love is real. In fact only love is real. Love, love, love and live, live, live. I know this to be true by the extent of love I have for Ma, Pa and Buo. But love for a man. Ah! That's where life has got me. That has never been realised, hence has faded and is not real. I must say I will always love Ma, Baba, Buro, Dadu, Dimma, Dadu and Thama.

To love is reality. To love is the prophecy. To love men have lain their lives. To love not only for a husband and wife. Only love is real. But is imagination? That is the big question.

Love 

Doel

Who am I

 Am I listless prick as many would believe

Or am In someone who hates to bereave

At lost opportunities, at lost games

Or am I fairy waiting to take flight 

Never to be tamed? I feel like I do,

A friendly feeling really but often

My actions prove this to be nary;

I feel for the world like no other

Kindness is my second name

And lofty dreams and ideals

Render me wild and untamed.

I believe in myself less now

As age has caught on 

I also lesser now know

The tree from the cloud.

Am I defeated? No.

Am I wandering? A little, may be.

Am I seeking? Absolutely,

A life where I am free.

 

journal 19.4.22

 Dear Journal,

The first of my many embarrassments notwithstanding my posts on Facebook were the many messages I sent Q, abusing his girlfriend.

Then all my posts this year on Facebook against Bachi K. Then my love letters to Sam.

All springing from my spurious hallucinations and imaginations.

So the question I am faced with is imagination bad. Ever since I was a young child, I gave credit to myself for my imaginations. But now I think nothing is more fascinating than reality. It's far more difficult and challenging to face reality than get lost in your own fantasies.

The phantom of the mind can be rendered helpless by squarely facing our circumstances and our purpose.

To be honest with yourself is far more difficult a thing than fantasising although it may not appear to be so.

There has to be a healthy balance: A vision, a dream, goals balanced with facing reality.

There can be no doubt that sometimes I feel guilty as to my conduct, but surprisingly the spirit is optimistic. This too shall pass. I shall overcome. I shall stand atop the mountaintop victory flag in hand.

There are dreams I don't give voice to but within is the determination that I will realise them.

Love

Doel

Journal 19.4.22

 Dear Journal,

I became 37 on the 5th of March.

The start of this year wasn't particularly good. The end of last year was. I'm sometimes grappled with hallucinations as I was at the start of this year, thus making a perfect fool of myself. With it is the guilt that such illusions may bring — dreams of me being  a RAW spy etc.

The world of my fantasies are sometimes far more interesting than reality itself. But I give up fantasies as I made a perfect twit of myself the first two months of this year, also missing office in the process.

I work at VIBGYOR with mixed emotions. The job is a lot boring but it pays. After having vented on Facebook I find people keeping a distance from me. But I am not defeated.

The general emotion is absolute victory, thanks to our practice in the Soka Gakkai. 

Ma and Pa have grown very old, but they are even more delightful and delectable  these days. Our practice has brought in good times.

I seek to be super rich, super victorious, a super achiever. I'm stuck at a job I don't particularly enjoy and I am looking for ways to broaden my horizons. I hope to write, write, write and be remembered for posterity. I want Ma and Pa to be alive forever. But alas we grow old as I have.

At 37 there is the  problem of fading youth and forgotten ideals. The time where you seem to have realised your mistakes. I want to give up smoking completely. What a victory that will be!

Smoking seems to have slowed my brain down, but my inner life is vibrant and positively looking towards the future with hope.

A husband? Yes, please. thank you. A mere lover? No, thanks. I'll pass.

Whatever it is thanks is on its way as opportunities present themselves. Dreams that I fuel with my passions and love that I nourish with my being.

I love my parents and brother. It's so nice to have a family. And then there are Melon and Sadhya.

To giving up smoking. Cheers!

Love,

Doel

Forgive me

 Oh please forgive me my misgivings

Born of the dirge of flowing air

Where summer had once seemed searing

And where winter lacked a flare.

I come from lands unknown to you

I see what should be hidden

I speak languages you would ache to hear

So please forgive me my misgivings.

I hurt myself and others when

My mind plays tricks on me

I seek absolution by the hour 

And the forgiveness of my misgivings by the minute.

I love like there is no tomorrow

Reality is calming and free

But really my mind gets steeped in sorrow

So please forgive me my misgivings.

I seek succour like I'd imagined I'd give

I ache more than I would like

Vindicated now, rising again

Please forgive me my misgivings.

fighting to be sane

Your name pops up in my heart;

Do I want you back? God no! 

Then why oh why would my mind start

On with you when I lost you at the word go? 

I seek not one so Prophetic, just a kind soul

To share my pain of hallucinations long gone

As one fighting to be sane. 

your aged self

Your aged self, your sweet lined face

Remind me that years are running out

As you savour delicacies I would willingly

Provide; your aged self your aged vigour, 

Your crankiness, your backbreaking tethers

You lay out for me to be with you;

May I age as you do. 

on a hot summer day

On a hot summer day

What would I do for cool breeze

The kind that rings symphony in your ears

And your nerves does tease. 

What would I do on a hot summer day

To have the vigour of youth

The kind that when you trudge ahead

Means a gallop for one without tooth. 

What would I do on a hot summer day

For a splash of cool icy water

To have all the garments that mean chill

And for very my own sceptre. 

tormented twit

In the night your silhouette satisfies, 

In the daytime your visions falsify, 

If I were but a real tormented twit

I wouldn't seek you but staying tormented

I visualise all I would all I could, 

A real tormented twit. 

For the sake of

I love for the sake of loving

Live for the sake of living

Think for the sake of thinking

My whole life at stake

I feel for the sake of feeling 

Miss for the sake of missing

Be for the sake of being

One with the universe

I see for the sake of seeing. 

Trudging along

 As I trudge along the dullery of life

Securing my belongings and my fief

I transform to become something more

Each day whether on a desert or by the bay.

As I see no beauty or no fascination 

In a magpie's call, or no renunciation

In a flat monk's hall, As all I sought as special

Falls low on the scale I sight no dolphin nary a whale.

As life comes calling with the same mundane chores

I seek little but a broad vision I hold,

Making my way through the drudgery and dullery

I become happier, lovelier and more secure.