Dear Journal,
I became 37 on the 5th of March.
The start of this year wasn't particularly good. The end of last year was. I'm sometimes grappled with hallucinations as I was at the start of this year, thus making a perfect fool of myself. With it is the guilt that such illusions may bring — dreams of me being a RAW spy etc.
The world of my fantasies are sometimes far more interesting than reality itself. But I give up fantasies as I made a perfect twit of myself the first two months of this year, also missing office in the process.
I work at VIBGYOR with mixed emotions. The job is a lot boring but it pays. After having vented on Facebook I find people keeping a distance from me. But I am not defeated.
The general emotion is absolute victory, thanks to our practice in the Soka Gakkai.
Ma and Pa have grown very old, but they are even more delightful and delectable these days. Our practice has brought in good times.
I seek to be super rich, super victorious, a super achiever. I'm stuck at a job I don't particularly enjoy and I am looking for ways to broaden my horizons. I hope to write, write, write and be remembered for posterity. I want Ma and Pa to be alive forever. But alas we grow old as I have.
At 37 there is the problem of fading youth and forgotten ideals. The time where you seem to have realised your mistakes. I want to give up smoking completely. What a victory that will be!
Smoking seems to have slowed my brain down, but my inner life is vibrant and positively looking towards the future with hope.
A husband? Yes, please. thank you. A mere lover? No, thanks. I'll pass.
Whatever it is thanks is on its way as opportunities present themselves. Dreams that I fuel with my passions and love that I nourish with my being.
I love my parents and brother. It's so nice to have a family. And then there are Melon and Sadhya.
To giving up smoking. Cheers!
Love,
Doel
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