Dear Journal,
Waking up and chanting sets a beautiful tone to the day.
I woke up and as usual messaged Arun.
He messaged around 10 saying he is leaving and that he will call me. He hasn't called yet.
I met Sriraj for lunch. Lunch at Pratap was good.
I then went to Ncpa and attended a talk which had Faye D'Souza on the panel.
I have a fear, a worry. Because Arun has criticised me so much in the course of our five-month long relationship, I feel may be he feels that I'm not good enough for him.
He has even threatened to dump me if a certain circumstance(s) arises. It's kind of toxic being in a relationship with such a threat.
Since he talks like a womaniser and his stories of the past portray him as one I also sometimes slightly fear that he will cheat on me and I have brought it up with him in the past to which he's said how can I not trust him.
He doesn't believe in honoring a relationship with a woman, and denigrates Gautam Buddha, saying he is better than him since even though he has been cheating on his wife he's at least supported her and not divorced her.
That's such a twisted logic.
I messaged him asking him why he hasn't called today to no response.
I don't feel secure with him in any way.
At least he gives his wife financial security (which is a big thing) so it figures why she is still with him.
He once told me I am one-fourth the woman his wife is. That really hurt deep. He's tried to explain that statement to me since but no logic can ease the pain.
He then told me I'm the least girly girl in the world. And said all the women he knows are more girly than me. That still makes me cry.
Once we were sitting at On toes and he said he could take any girl home. That was bad.
In front of me he's told colleagues at Salt like Vibha to give him a blow job. That is so crude.
He once told a woman who was flirting with him at On toes that he could take her home. That is sick.
I don't feel secure in this relationship.
I don't think he is a person of very strong and good character. I don't trust him.
He has a twisted way of looking at things and I frankly don't trust him.
I like him. I love him. Because of his soft palms and his kind eyes. But that's looking at things metaphysically. The things he says and does don't exude softness or kindness.
He once slapped a rick driver in front of me for going left when he was supposed to go right.
It's not like there is nothing soft about him.
There is his soft and gentle heart that loves his children. I love that part of his personality.
He hasn't called at all today. A part of me tells me he is out with some chick because he doesn't believe in fidelity.
His words and actions are brute, crass, and far from good character.
He says his father brought him up that way, asking him to beat up whoever threatened him.
He just messaged, saying he'll call.
I don't want to pick a fight with him.
I don't know what will happen now but I know I can't change anybody. But he entered this relationship wanting to change me.
I love him very very deeply. Like there is a reason he is in my life. He gives me the feeling that I've known him forever.
I once almost broke up with him, saying I want to be just friends with him.
I really do.
Just friends. Because I don't want to lose him.
I don't know if there is a better guy around.
Just on our last date he told me he will stop loving me.
I wish I had less toxic relationships.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for every being that's graced my life across the three existences.
I'm grateful for each of life's beautiful experiences that make me feel and grow, evolve.
I am grateful for my optimistic dreams and my great vow on this Earth-- an eternal vow to love everybody.
I am grateful for my beautiful body, noble mind, blazing spirit and gentle heart that loves all deeply and surely.
I am grateful for forgiveness.
I'm grateful for this wonderful life with all its uncertainties, lessons and beings to love.
I'm grateful for my possessions.
I am grateful for beautiful money.
Love,
Me
5.50 pm
