Journal 30.6.2023 11.48 am

 Dear Journal,

I really feel the need to have someone in my life to talk to.

Yesterday I lashed out at Ma and called her all sorts of things. Why am I so emotionally vulnerable?

I love Ma and Pa.

I'm feeling terrible right now.

My legs and hands are paining. I really hope Ma doesn't take what I told her to heart.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my parents. They are my shonas, my heartbeat and I love them.

Journal 21.6.2023 11.22 am

 Dear Journal,

Last night I was feeling positively washed out with my mind crowded with thoughts.

After waking up today at 8, I am feeling positive, well-rested and ready to face the day.

Kali picked me up today. He is a really nice person.

Just had a meeting with Say, and then have another at 2.30.

Hopefully things will go well.

Regards,

Me.

I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

Journal 20.6.2023 5.58 pm

 Dear Journal,

I have been feeling a little negative and lethargic lately. Last to last Sunday I slept for 17 hours straight.

I blame it on the heat.

A lot has been happening. (Not so much that I can fill this page.)

Ma is in Bheemtal with Mashi, Konu and Miso.

I hope to find a nice guy this year to spend time with.

Sah lih took me to Iskcon on Friday and treated me to vegetarian sushi.

I really love my parents. They are my Godsent gifts in this life. I truly have a wonderful family.

The work has been boring me a bit but I trudge on.

I don't know if marriage is on the cards for me.

Whatever it is I'm sure life is going to turn out to be rosy golden.

I'm looking forward to a job opportunity which is much like my Communicate India job.

I think I'll always take homoeopathy pills for my depression. It somehow keeps me going.

This morning I was feeling positively nauseous and washed out.

I went to get my blood pressure checked at a local doctor. My bp was 114 by 80.

I hope to end this day on a good note.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this job. It allowed me to take Pa out to Leaping Windows on Father's Day.

I am grateful for my parents. I love them to bits.

I am grateful for friends like Kali and Nir Pan and Sah lih.

I am grateful that I have friends despite slipping.

I am grateful that I realised I had cannabis oil, and that is why I had the last episode.

I am grateful for food.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for Sadhya and Bu. They are family.

I am grateful for Melon. He is precious.

I am grateful for my future husband. I'm sure he is a rockstar.

I am grateful for this beautiful, wonderful life.

I am grateful for love.

I realised the other morning as I awoke from deep sleep that I actualise my reality through my thoughts. I really do.

I am grateful for the Tarot.

I am grateful for this beautiful Earth,

I am grateful for my existence. I feel like I'm ready to take on responsibility.

6.10 pm  

Journal 12.06.2023 11.15 am

 Dear Journal,

Who can sleep all day long? Me! 

I slept all day long yesterday. It's so hot. There is a hint of monsoon in the air.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

11.16 am

Aspirations

 I aspire to

Climb the Vesuvius

In conversation

With Love

And Life

Granting me

Prosper and

Genius and

Well, Love

And Life

Completely 

Taking Me.

Love at my feet

 Love is beautiful, rosy-golden

Beautiful love lies at my feet

I just have to claim my honour,

Swallow my pride and gather

My distinctions and love will

Gather lying at my feet.

Muddy water

 All I have to offer the world

Lies like sediment deep in

Still water; I shake the pond,

Stir the soils and paint a 

Landscape with my oils.

I mix the oil into the pond,

Creating a soup of love

And something more profound.

I go around and around,

Searching for what I seek.

Will it find me?

Or do I sleep

In the pond so deep. 

My honey buys me money

 I seek to be stinking rich.

Rich, baby, rich.

Money, money, money

All for my honey,

My deep love

That I give to the world:

My honey buys me money.

I faltered

 I faltered. I did.

I believed in my imaginations.

Now, I am too scared

To fly on flights 

Of fancy,

To embark on 

Adventures.

I am scared

Because I faltered.

My heart is heavy

 My heart is heavy

Like Lodestone

With lava spewing

All over.

My heart is cut

By a million

Arrows.

My heart is heavy

From grief.

My heart is heavy.

Not a love I call mine

 There is not a love I call mine

As I age like fine wine in cork

So sweet, in cork so sweet;

Not a love I call mine.

This emptiness cuts me dry

As I feel more and by the side

I lie, by the wayside strewn,

My clothes all about;

There is not a love I call mine.

I feel fine but for a vaccum deep

As there is not a soul I call

Mine and weep; this love

That is whole is for me, myself;

Not a love I call mine.

Journal 05.06.2023 11.19 am

 Dear Journal,

I had a cryptic dream. 

I am dating Nash, who almost flunked school getting 35 per cent marks. He is jealous of people from our batch who unbelievably according to him did well. We are friends with many Africans and his mother is angry with him. The dream ends with these tiny silver things I'm eating and I ask someone to make a necklace out of it so that the tiny silver beads can be utilised.

What the hell does this dream mean?

I met Sandy adman who got 35 percent marks. May be my dream connected to him. May be I'll date a loser. Will I? Or may be the guy to enter my life thinks he's a loser. The Africans.... I have no clue what it means. I think of Africa as a culturally rich place. So culturally rich loser. Tiny silver things I'm eating that can be made into a bead necklace. I am consuming beads. Beads are pretty. I'm consuming lots of pretty things and I think of myself as a loser. Is that what it means?

Will life change to something? I'm aching for money and excitement in my life. Will those wishes be granted?

I'm sitting in office. I woke up quite late and reached office slightly late. I haven't brought cigarettes to work today. Hopefully, the day will pan out well.

Love,

Me.

I'm grateful for my job. It is truly rewarding.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for this wonderful body.

I am grateful for my ever evolving soul.

I am grateful for this office.

I am grateful for my parents.

Love,

Me.

Journal 05.06.2023 12.03 am

Dear Journal,

As me, AK Mahamana and Nir Pan sat and ate at Kake da Dhaba my heart broke into a million little pieces. I don't know why. I take things like this as a premonition of things to come.

AK Mahamana spoke to Ma for a long time. Ma tried to shakubuku him and that bugged me. I couldn't stop myself from admonishing Ma. I realised soon that I should have stopped myself. 

May be that was the reason I was feeling so down and out.

I've become very quiet these days. I rarely speak up in social occasions. It bugs others and me too. I'm scared of revealing things popping up in my mind in the fear of rejection.

I think that there is no reason for me to feel dejected or rejected. I meet people because I want to meet them and they want to meet me.

Nir Pan showed me pictures of his mother and grandmother today. They are both so beautiful.

He himself was looking good today since he has been running.

I've completely stopped doing yoga, spending most of my time on the phone.

Yesterday, Kali classified himself and Mash as bad people. Why would people think that they are bad. It's the sinner mentality.

I am stuffed with food. I feel so bloated.

I have to be able to feel moneyed, creative and imaginative, and purposed.

My purpose: To serve humanity in love and kindness.

My creative will is expressed through painting, writing and kindness.

My money will come through independent endeavours.

Tomorrow I'll sit on the Swa website and register my scripts.

May be when I wake up and drink my lemon juice I can exercise a bit.

I hope to sleep well tonight.

Ma was so irritable when I came back home. I wonder why she gets so irritated.

I love my Bu.

Love,

Me.

I'm grateful for all the animals that are sacrificed to feed humanity. 

I'm grateful for this beautiful wonderful mind, and this beautiful wonderful life.

I'm grateful for friends like AK Mahamana and Nir Pan.

I'm grateful for all my friends. Friends are treasures.

I'm grateful for Qud. She's a gem.

I'm grateful for money. It truly makes the world go around.

I'm grateful for love. It completes my life.

I'm grateful for my phone.

I'm grateful for my room.

I'm grateful for my home.

I'm grateful for trees and plants.

I'm grateful for water. It nourishes me.

I'm grateful for air.

I'm grateful for meditation.

I'm grateful for my job.

I'm grateful for tomorrow. It completes today.

I'm grateful for my beautiful vast life.

I'm grateful for yesterday.

I'm grateful for all my clothes and jewellery.

I don't think Kali should be taken seriously. He's smart in another way.

12.25 aml

Journal 4.6.2023 6.42 pm

Dear Journal,

Yesterday we had the chatgpt workshop. I called and messaged Ajinkya to no response. He didn't even bother to call back. That I find abominable.

In the evening I went to Raj Palace. We were there for five hours till 12. There was Jd Hemmady, a director called Shibu, and Kali with me. After that Kali took me to Bora Bora.

They spoke a lot about films. There is so much I haven't seen. So much.

Today I went to see a Raheja property, and then met  Sandy adman. He's a really sweet guy. Fun. I don't know what he thinks about me. He doesn't say. His mount of venus is soft. So he is a sweet soft-hearted guy. I played tarot with him and watched Friends. 

After this I'll be going out for dinner with Nir Pan. He's alright. A little too serious.

I feel bad about the last few years when I lost myself in hallucinations. My tarot deck keeps pulling out 8 of swords and three of swords. That's bad. Let's see what happens.

I hope to buy a house and be super rich. I hope to surmount all obstacles and attain absolute victory (a Soka prayer).

I feel bad for being coldly thrown out of the Soka Gakkai just for asking why I haven't been made a leader.

I've lost 500 rupees at home. I hope the maid hasn't stolen it.

Mangala emptied my entire bathroom, stole everything. She was so annoying.

I heard some gruesome things that are too difficult to write.

The cat lady Hamida's dogs were burnt alive. That is so chilling.

I hope to live a plush rich life.

I'm planning to start uploading vlogging videos on Youtube.

I hope to be super happy.

Sandy adman just went through a divorce. The tarot shows that he went through hell. 

Well, he didn't concur saying he doesn't believe in the cards which is perfectly alright methinks.

Ma made a nice hot cuppa for me when I got back home from Sandy's place.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life. It is full of pleasant surprises and love.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for everyone who graces my life.

I am grateful for my rejuvenating, dynamic job.

I am grateful for the food I eat. The many animals that are sacrificed to feed me. I am grateful for them.

I am grateful for my home and my room.

I am grateful for money. I don't earn a lot but it is still something. I am going to be super rich.

I am grateful for my kind heart. It has place for everyone.

I am grateful for Dhaw's homoeopathy pills. They work like magic.

I am grateful for this Journal. It's becoming like my life line.

I'm grateful for my wonderful spirit/soul.

I am grateful for my beautiful body.

I am grateful for every experience in my life.

I love myself. I love my life. I love everyone who graces my life. 

I am truly beautiful.

7.04 pm

Journal 03.06.2023 2.12 am

Dear Journal,

I reached work late because I had to get my cheque book and debit card issued at the bank. I landed up at work at 11 am.

There was very little work except to look for the Shilpa monsoon hacks. I didn't do it.

I read afaqs and the news, faffed around till a call from Sayli about Blue grass brochure.

Kali came in, surprising me, and we ended up deciding we would leave at 6 for drinks.

I was apprehensive since I have to technically leave work at 7. (Finally, we left close to 7.)

Around 5, Ajinkya came and said we have to stay till late for the Flamante brochure.

I refused to many heartbreaks as Jinks insisted I stay.

I called Vimesh up and told him I have a doctor's appointment and left.

It seemed like I really had to stay.

I went to Roadhouse Blues with Kali and drank a beer.

I rushed home, reaching a little before 10 and got to working on the Flamante brochure. Vimesh was mad at me.

I worked on it till 11 with smoke breaks and a bath in the middle.

Then I left for Lord of the Drinks with Sandy adman.

Ajinkya called me around 11.30 for some work and I told him it would be difficult for me to do. I feel really guilty for not being able to contribute more to work.

Sandy adman is a nice, interesting guy. I don't know what he thinks about me but when he dropped me home he kissed me on the head. (I'll Google that in a bit.)

I hope to meet him again.

Amongst a lot of things he spoke about the value of working for money and I agree cent per cent with him. Money is very important.

The things I learnt from today:

1. I can organise my day better.

2. I should show more dedication to work.

3. My life isn't so bad. It's actually a pretty wonderful life.

4. I should make more time for family.

5. I should make more time for yoga.

I barely speak with Bu. I spoke to both Ma and Pa over the phone through the day. This Ash Pareek guy is pretty bugging. (Sho messaged me in the middle saying he might lose his job. I'll message him now.) I also bought 600 bucks worth of Kaju Katli today, bought cigarettes for 300 bucks and spent some money on travel. I learnt that Avin Parab has been sacked from Kali.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my job. It's a wonderful job and I'm lucky to have it.

I am grateful for my friends. They are a blessing.

I am grateful for my dates. They adorn me.

I am grateful for money. It truly makes my world.

I am grateful for writing this Journal. It's wonderful and blogging is a blessing.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa and Bu. The other day I wrote them WhatsApp letters. I love my family.

I am grateful for the food I eat. It's a blessing.

I am grateful for the clothes I wear. I love fabrics and fashion.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life. It is so fruitful and filling.

I am grateful for this lovely home. Ma and Pa have made it truly homely.

I am grateful for my body. It is a temple.

I am grateful for the things I feel I'm not good at like technology and finance. I'm getting better at it.

I am grateful for my beautiful vibrant mind.

I am grateful for my soul and my spirit.

I am grateful that i dream at night.

I am grateful that I sleep well.

I am grateful for society.

I love my life. I love my family. I love me.

Tomorrow I have a workshop for chat gpt.

Good night!

2.37 am

Journal 2.6.2023 10.28 am

Dear Journal,

There are a few things to celebrate.

I did not go ahead and buy those Fab India earrings.

I did not buy sweets or Lassi from Punjab Dairy today.

I waited like a good girl to issue a cheque book and card, and drew cash which I intend to use judiciously.

I'll be reaching office late today given that I just boarded a Metro.

Pa has loaned me 500 bucks which I kept at home. It's no point wasting money on Krao since I don't take those pills but who is to explain that to Ma and Pa. I am compelled to pretend I'm taking the pills.

I am jubilating over the fact that I feel absolutely fine.

Buro's wedding will be a sweet massive affair.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for banks. They allow our money to grow.

I am grateful for my phone. It is a means to be connected to the outer world.

I am grateful for my brother. He is a joy to know.

I am grateful for ma and Pa. They are blessings to have.

I am grateful for the food I eat. It is a great joy.

I am grateful for my fingers. They write, paint and type.

I am grateful for my body. It is a temple.

I am grateful for my soul.

I am grateful for this wonderful beautiful life.

I remember waking up to a dream: someone next to me is eating fish, and q enters and ignores me and starts talking to the girl next to me. He glares at me from time to time.

I love theatre. I love my life. I love me. I love my parents. I love my brother. I love my relatives and my friends. I love love.

10.38 am

Journal 1.6.2023 6.14 pm

 Dear Journal,

I don't know why, but when I need it the most these doctors like Dr Dhaw and Krao don't really positively encourage me. I guess a part of therapy is that the onus is on oneself. The doctor just has to recommend the pills. That's what it is! And that exasperates me!

I just spoke a ton of nonsense on my state of mind and the response was a mere "okay!"And the call was duly cut.

That means all I have to do is pop the pills.

I'm feeling a little anxious and panicky now. It could be because I popped all of Krao's pills last night. In fact, that is what it is because this is a side effect of the medication. Also, the blinding heat and humidity have a role to play.

There is simply no analysis by these doctors. Their analysis is based only on the intake of the pills.

I might start chucking Krao's pills again. I don't like this anxious, panicky feeling.

Why am I feeling anxious after talking to Krao?

It could be because I was and probably still am inherently against popping brain medication. It could and it probably is also a reaction from popping the allopathy pills. I haven't felt this way in a long time.

I hate the allopathy pills. They make you drowsy and make you feel this way.

Love,

Me.

Journal 1.6.2023 4.44 pm

 Dear Journal,

I read a quote on sm. "The burden you carry for weeks, or months, or even years gets lifted miraculously in one moment." This seems to be that moment.

Today, has been such a low pressure day, it's unbelievable. I just had two meetings. Researched a little on monsoon hacks for Shilpa. And sat and faffed in my mauve FabIndia dress.

Every time I wear this dress it feels wonderful. Clothes have a wonderful way to shape your mood.

On top of it I had Ras Malai because my firm earned an account.

Planning to meet JD Hemmady on Saturday and Nir Pan on Sunday. It's not like I don't have a social life. I have one, and a brimming one at that.

I hope to break the shell and exhibit a confident self.

Life is going to be super good. I already have a lot of things going for me.

I am super excited about Bu's wedding. I think I'll contribute towards their honeymoon fund.

Love is in the air. Life is here to celebrate. Enjoyment is right around the corner.

Today, I spent about 1k on cosmetics, 100 on cigs, and hundred on travel. That's 1,200 bucks. Oh, I also bought cola, which makes it 1,250 bucks.

I plan to take Nir Pan to Kake da Dhaba. That's another expenditure.

Hopefully on Father's Day which is on June 18 I'll be able to treat family at Nav Chaitanya.

I feel like such a lucky girl. I'm basking in glory and love. The glory of life, the glory of the heavenly bodies shining their bright light on me in delightful prophecies.

I love my sweet brother the most. I don't know why but I really do.

I remember when we were small I used to fantasise that I'm protecting him with my life.

Love is truly beautiful.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all my clothes. They are treasures.

I am grateful for all my books. They are also treasures.

I am grateful for the love in my life. They are ultimate treasures.

(I have to call Dr Dhaw in about an hour.) I am grateful for him.

I am grateful for this beautiful talented mind I have.

I am grateful for writing. It's a blessing.

I am grateful for my wonderful mind and spirit. They make me an interesting person.

I'm grateful for this beautiful body. It is supple and beautiful.

I am grateful for my eyes. They reflect kindness.

I am grateful for this wonderful job. It is rejuvenating.

I am grateful for my watch. It is a treasure.

5 pm