I love you

I feel sad, I feel desolate,

I don't want you gone,

I can't live without you

That you must have surely known.

Will we never talk

After I ranted and I fumed?

I feel so forlorn these days,

I am far from being groomed!

There is so much work to do!

There is so much looking ahead!

Your cheeks the colour of gold,

Mine ashamed and very red.

I love you as a girl,

Doe-eyed and sweet,

I love you dearly my dear friend,

Crossing the next bend.

Built

It's being built! It's being built!

My new life is being built!

As my mother wanted,

As my mother willed.

You come there in the Autumn,

You come there in the rain,

Showering me with your love

As recedes my pain.

We are accepted as we are

As he wants changes to the floor

And can't you see I've kept an open door?

Journal 8.28 am on 1.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I saw that Buro and me were getting a new house each as given by Ma.

I want to possess my house immediately but Buro employs patience and wants some changes in his house.

Then I woke up.

I have to leave for Kandivli in half an hour.

Hope Arun is well.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Positive

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.31 am

Park bench

I'm sitting quietly solemnly

On a big park bench

Listening to the chirping birds

And feeling the slapping winds

When I see you creeping

Slowly upon my mind

With loving thoughts,

Not colourblind.

I sit and wonder

Where have we reached

Just two friends, 

Two companions,

Sometimes in heat,

Sometimes under

A soft bed sheet,

Sometimes walking around

Or sharing a drink,

Sometimes fighting,

Sometimes sweet,

But more importantly, 

Two bestest of best,

Loveliest of loves

For all to see.

My cup runneth over

My cup runneth over

With moments of joy,

Of blushing profusely 

And feeling oh so coy

And my entire being

Is flooded with love

And sooner than later

Eases all that was tough.

To smoothen edges

That were rough

I polish my cup

Because I'm that one winner

Who never once lost hope,

Never once accepted defeat;

My cup runneth over

As I get what I seek.

the world's best boyfriend

I had the world's best boyfriend

Once upon a time for whom

I penned many songs and rhymes;

He showered me with love,

And kisses so warm

And together we made music

Sometimes when we were sore.

I still think that he is

The most handsome man

To tread the Earth,

But because I lost my mind

He couldnt find me glued;

He bore, he was patient, 

I think he really tried,

But one fine day he told me

He had resigned

From the role

Of being the world's best boyfriend

As about me it looked like a trend.

His love burns bright in my soul

And I don't think I'll date another

Because he made me so whole.

I'll carry good wishes for him

In my heart all the time,

And write more truths

And pen more rhymes.

My mind

What do I tell you about the power of my mind,

Sometimes so creative, sometimes so blind,

Sometimes wandering, sometimes wondering,

Sometimes after something hankering;

It won't stand to be cheated upon

And many loves reside there and very few wrongs;

So many ideas my mind has conceived

And it can learn from the past

And see the future gingerly.

Each day I sit and polish it a little

And I don't ever want it to become brittle;

Steady and quick, galloping thunder,

My mind is rarely ever asunder.

It's seen so many realities at once,

And dreamt so many imaginings like a song;

My precious possession, my mind

Where I sow hope and very few whines.

It's the beauty of being bold and brave

As with my mind I compile many a page--

You are truly noble in the deepest trenches of it;

Now I'll let it rest bit by bit.

Journal 10.50 pm on 31.7.2026 trying to feel happy

Dearest Journal,

When you think you are talking to God, you are in fact talking only to a realm of your mind. When you feel you are connecting with thought with someone, alive or deceased, you are in fact again accessing a realm of your own mind.

I'm not an atheist. I believe in the God/Virtue principle. But I also know that even to the most intuitive mind no obstacle can pierce as long as you love yourself.

I often think about whether I would date me. My career is choppy at the moment, that says nay. But as a person I think I'm golden, I'm a good girl.

I haven't really been taking care of my looks and I haven't in some time opened a book.

I think a lot, creating causes at the intention and thought level; I've been doing that all my life-- I am a deep thinker.

As for Arun-- I wish I hadn't blown my top. I wish I felt less intensely about him and that I was more practical.

Life is good. I'm trying not to worry. I love my parents and I am deeply indebted to them for accepting me, loving me and standing by me.

Arun was rather rude when I called him up last. Once bitten twice shy. If you've been thwarted once you are unlikely to try again.

But people do rethink their words and people do change.

I don't know what to think about him. I love him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for relationships based on mutual trust and mutual love. 

Love,

Me.

11 pm

Dirty floor

The floor is so dirty 

With all the vomit I spewed

Of words of harsh truth

And angry fumes

And I clean it ever so clearly now

To dance with the flowers

Beneath the boughs.

May I not utter another harsh word

As to many creations

I give birth.

I have tidied myself,

Cleaned my abode

For tales are to be told 

And songs sung.

Black pen

Black pen glowing in the night,

Filled with ink so bright

With which I write soothing brave songs,

Righting all the way all my wrongs.

This stylo is only mine,

It belongs to me

And with it I shine,

Sometimes with apple tart,

Sometimes with wine,

I pour all my joys and sorrows,

My gratitudes and rhymes.

It is the most sturdy pen today,

A special pen for a special girl, that's me;

It is possessed by nary a soul but me

And has written stories for all to see.

This pen I hold to my chest most dearly,

Forever filled bright ink tenderly.

Chance

Please don't tell me We don't stand a chance

As you pucker your lips and weild your lance

And I shield my intentions hurriedly from you

Shaded by the tree of Life and Truth.

And what is it that would you soothe,

Is it a prettier me or some loving in a booth?

I don't know at this point if I have lost you or not

But to my life so much happiness you have brought

And I'm sorry for my insults and accusations,

I was just trying to bury my feelings all these days.

Believe me, I'm telling you the truth

Not of one other guy have I thought

Ever since I laid my eyes on you.

I should not have fought,

Your heart I should have won,

Will you never talk to me ever again?

I love you as does a daughter her dad

And a sister her brother and a girl her lad;

As in you are everything to me,

All that I desire, all that I see.

Don't tell me we don't stand a chance

Even though it's gloomy now let's see the sun.

Conversations

Whatever you are thinking

Comes to the fore

Of all your conversations

Like an interestinĝ lore

And that is why

I should hold my tongue

Before you say something angrily

Before you are done;

I must respect deeply inside

The pearls of thought

Your words do hide

And love is what I give you

Without seeking a thing

Because to my life

What you bring

Is the sweet fragrance

Of sweat and toil

Before I set the coffee

Up to boil.

You are so cute,

You are so heavenly,

So sweet, so pure

Without jealousy.

I'm sorry for my words

That you did hurt

Im sorry i was

Unable to cease

And that I did blurt

The Truth of my feelings

For you; how do I go on

Now from here?

i want to hear from you

You get what you bring to life,

What I bring is a lot of love wise

And sincerity and devotion in my bones

Not anymore sitting alone.

I know I hurt you with my words

But my heart was true and love was pure,

I didn't mean to let you ache inside

And I wanted with you to ride the tide.

How are your days going my beloved friend?

Are you happy? Are you secure? Are you content?

I don't know the outcome of this unpredictable life

All I know is that I wish I had been your wife.

I would have fed you royal jelly and royal food,

Eased your aches and worries with the sweet truth

Of having loved you so deep, so profound,

Always bringing you back to a heart turned around. 

I must tell you I'm hurt that I hurt you and myself

And on it much i do not dwell;

I just want you to know 

You can dial my phone

And I'd love to hear the tale

Of the last battle you won.

Filled with joy

That day is near

When my life

Ceases to be empty

And is filled with song

And Dances of joy

And beautiful melodies.

That day is near

When you come my way

With conversations bright

Bringing love's forays

And I wouldn't have believed

I actually almost let you go

Even before the curtains

Were drawn upon the show.

Right now the pain is easing,

My heart is becoming whole

And I am playing the coveted role

Of being the heroine of my life

Surmounting obstacles

Standing at the highest of heights.

I know my worries

Have been left behind

And all negativity

Has been sent to rescind

And I know both you and I,

My blessed friend,

Did not expect

What was at the bend.

Love and laughter

Adorn my days,

Happiness is mine

As I serve and slay

And very soon

I'll pen the tale

Of sunny days

And stormy gales

And victory is mine

To be shared with you,

Sweetly affectionately

So that I'm not confused.

Journal 7.39 pm on 31.7.2026 I am ruminating

Dear Journal,

The other day I read that procrastinators delay because they ruminate a lot. That is clearly describing me. I tend to think and think and think. I think so much that I wish I got a penny for each thought-- then I would be the richest person in the whole world!

But as fact would have it the world looks at your actions and achievements.

With such deepthinking I manifested Arun into my life. Now the outcome of our friendship depends on him; whatever he wants. I think me blurting out that I love him was inevitable. But I should not have said the hurtful things I told him. I'll always love him.

There is so much to life. There is so much to see, so much to do, so much to achieve, so much to enjoy, so much to take, so much to give, so much to love to live life to the fullest!

Ever since Arun blasted me on the phone for trying to talk about nmrk I haven't really chanted. But I will now.

Psha came home today.

I don't know if Arun will want to stay in touch after I sent him so many messages.

I'll definitely keep him in my prayers. He brought so much meaning into my life, so much joy, so much laughter and love! For that I'll always be grateful to him. I don't know how he will remember me. But I will always carry fond memories of his colourful and gregarious personality. Karma karma karma chameleon you come and go.... that describes him beautifully.

Before embarking on any task it's vital to look at all outcomes. I should have envisioned that Arun would reject my conversation on chanting. I should have seen it. Because I didn't I was hurt.

I'll try to sleep early tonight. I've been waking up really late.

Psha and me had a fun conversation today. She is such a sweet girl. She spoke about how she is transforming her relationship with her boyfriend's mother. I told her yes, praying for someone definitely transforms relationships.

Seeing her list of prayers for people in her life I have decided to also pray a lot for the people in my life. I already do.

She told me today that I explain things so well. I put tough ideas to words so easily. Yup, may be I do.

It's exactly 8.

Pa and Ma are in Nakshatra because Pa has an upset tummy. I wish I could monetarily do more for my parents. It's all this flakiness that has brought my career to where it is.

Psha told me that if I want to be an actor I have to set up the infrastructure for self tests because casting directors have stopped calling actors to studios for auditions. Yes.

I got an audition call today and I sent it.

Nishkaam karma... keep making causes, don't think about the outcome.

I know at some point life will look up. Until then I'll keep sowing the seeds.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Releasing Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Dance

I dance in reckless abandon,

I am so enjoying life

And all my pain is behind me,

Behind me is all my strife.

You watch me,

You seek some jewels of me

And I get out my books,

Expose them to your eyes

Ever so blithely.

There are copies I must make,

There are many ways

For you to love partake

And I kept you waiting oh so long

As you wrote music and penned me songs;

You are so golden in that white light,

So pretty, so beautiful, so divine 

And in the end I only know

That i could well support you,

Instead of going cold.

Most hopeful

I never could have imagined a day

When you would come to me so loyally

Showing me your many faces

Of innocence and nobility.

You are here to feed off

The outpourings of my soul 

And we are no more caged,

No more bound to tell and show.

I feed you well, I keep you healthy,

I keep you clean and sound

And where else could divine love be found

If not in my hearth and home?

I've given you direction, the map is drawn

And sometimes you are in flight

And sometimes you fawn

But never for a day since today

Have I felt fright

Rebuilding us God's way.

And whether it is to love,

Whether it is to play

I serve sometimes

And sometimes I slay

For your beauty is so alluring,

Your voice is so golden,

The most hopeful

Of all I've beholden.

Me most beautiful

It's not just me hanging around 

In bright pajama tops

Or it's not just me humming 

Beautifully to your soul's tune.

It's actually me sitting pretty atop the hill

Dancing beautifully as you set the rhythm.

It's me queenly by the night sky

Flying yonder, smitten and shy.

It's me on the road to Heaven away from Hell

Living beautifully, charmingly as life will tell.

My Life

I live my life with faith and honour 

With love calling from every corner;

Precious riches flood me from heaven,

Getting manifold than what was given.

Loyalty follows me around like a puppy dog

And devotion and trust and committment are my pet hogs;

Life could not have been lived better

As health rains down on me unshackling my fetters.

The path ahead is illumined with many jewelled friends

And experiences hearty and benign.

Paradise is where I love and live

Getting far more than what I give

Even though most generous I am

Sharing off my happenings I do as i can.

Most competent, most lucky me

Flying in the sky, Happy and free.

Journal 2.30 pm on 31.7.2026 My feelings

Dear Journal,

Ever since Arun blasted me on the phone for trying to introduce Nmrk to him, I don't feel like chanting. But chant I will.

The most likely outcome now would be that Arun would want to keep distance from me. He is married. I should never ever forget that.

That's about him.

On the work front all I need to do is read. I really want to quit smoking. Spending on one cigarette seems like a small amount but it accumulates to a lot.

Psha is coming home soon. I think I'll go have just one cigarette and chant. It's all good. Whatever happens happens for the best.

I wish all those I love a beautiful day!

I am feeling:

Happy

Focused

Heart full of love

Really want to quit smoking

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2 37 pm

Journal 12.58 pm on 31.7.2026 any feeling will pass

Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning feeling so lonely and sad. But the feeling has passed to embrace the day.

By his own admission Arun says he has never been true to any woman. Well, that's one point.

The next point is the way we treat other people indicates the relationship we have with ourselves. I should not have said so many hurtful things to Arun.

Life is so unpredictable. What will happen is unfathomable so I don't want to jump to any conclusions.

I'm going to meet Psha after lunch.

I wish I remembered my dream but I don't. I just think Pa was there in my dream.

It's a dank grey Monsoon day and I am single and bristling with self love. I think I'm a good person who is capable of immense loyalty. Whatever happens in my life is for the best.

I hope to have a great day with few cigarettes.

I'll call up RaTi in the evening.

I'm sure Arun is having good days. I won't trouble him anymore.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

What should I wear today? I think I'lll wear the off-white cotton world dress that Arun had selected for me. May he have the best life ever.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.07 pm

Journal 9.56 am on 31.7.2026 im feeling so lonely

Dear Journal,

Oneof our building cats passed away this morning. Psha says I should go to her place.

I'm feeling so alone, so lonely. I miss Arun. I love Arun.

I am feeling:

Lonely

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.58 am

Ps: As I was lying down Arun's wife's face came flashing in my mind's eye. And I realised that Arun does love his wife.

I should never forget that. I saw a dream where there was dirt on my floor and I wanted to clean it. I saw a more elaborate dream later but I dont remember it.

I should really not contact Arun. More than anything for my self-respect. I can't continue to be friends with him. I feel for him too deeply.

I hope I have a good productive day.

11.22 am

Journal 10.59 pm on 30.7.2026 Im a bit too much

Dear Journal,

I really feel embarrassed that I laid my feelings bare to Arun. And I regret the hurtful heartbreak words I told him. Really, I'm a bit too much.

He doesn't want a relationship. He has made that quite clear many times. It's exactly 11.

I don't want my heart broken again. I don't want to be rejected again.

I hope life turns out fine. I did not read Shakespeare today. ChatGpt consumed all my time. I wish I hadn't messaged Arun for so long. Do you think he reads my messages?

I need space, he needs space.

I bumped into RaTi and Warshikey today. I'll call up RaTi tomorrow.

I really hope life turns out fine. Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.

I think I'll stop obsessing over Arun and just pull out the damned textbook tomorrow and pore over it.

Whatever resolution happens I'll accept it. I don't want Arun to break my heart. He wants distance. I won't contact him.

I hope to lead a successful life.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my students and work.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful that I'm serious about quitting smoking.

I am grateful for my friends, family and Arun.

I don't want to be cheated upon. I don't want my heart broken. 

I am grateful for life and love.

I am grateful that I have friends.

I am grateful that people are accepting of me.

What you think about yourself in your head is what you project to the outside world. It's exactly 11.11.

So it's best to carve out the best image of yourself to the world. No matter what happens with Arun I'll accept the outcome.

Love,

Me.

11.12 pm

Journal 8.58 pm on 30.7.2026 I am embarrassed

Dear Journal,

I'm in a delirium. I again sent Arun so many messages! I wont message him anymore. He asked me to stop messaging him. I should really respect his boundaries.

He is focused on his work. I should be too.

I hope he forgives me for bugging him so. And hopefully I'll be able to process what I'm going through.

Actually just a few days ago I resolved a huge yearning for him. It was a desire that I had to navigate.

I don't know if I'll ever fall in love again. Arun is married and he is hugely focused on his work. I really should keep some distance from him. Why am I unable to do so.

The day just whooshed past. And I had so many cigarettes.

I am feeling so alone and so lonely. And what really happened that I feel I've fallen in love with him all over again? He's done the opposite of inviting such emotions.

Is he about to break my heart? Will he brutally reject me? I'll be devastated. I wish my life were less complicated.

The other day SeeDhi told me that I'm not a traditional girl and my choices and decisions are also not traditional, neither is my outlook in  life.

I don't want to fall into a depression. And I want good friends to flood my life. If I had friends like Sal or Qud (not DeJh) to talk to I think I would be more tempered.

I really need to reclaim my life and broaden my view.

I should not have flooded Arun with messages about my feelings.

I think I'll just keep quiet now about the whole thing. If he wants to talk he will get in touch.

I have a feeling my heart is about to be broken. I'm going through heartbreak. I really really wish Arun had chosen me.

I hope to focus on my work and nothing else from tomorrow. Today just flew by.

I am feeling:

Brokenhearted

Stable

Embarrassed that I laid my heart bare to Arun. I wish I hadn't

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.12 pm

Ps: I just bumped into RaTi and Warshikey downstairs. They both were like Where Have You Disappeared? I should really get in touch with my friends. I think I'll call up RaTi tomorrow. And I wont contact Arun. He needs space after my messages overload. I really can be quite trying on his patience. May he be happy!

Pearl

In the deepest trenches of my heart

Love for you runs deep, clear and fast

Even as your priorities are set--

Work and money and a television at best.

You say you don't desire me

Because I don't come with any luxury

And you have decided to keep me

On the blindside neatly folded with no respite.

I listen to the callings of my mind

To exit this situation and hold my head high

But my heart it was always set on you

And I don't know how to resolve this anymore.

To never think about you is an impossibility,

To say it won't matter is not exigency,

The Truth is that this is how far I've come,

Refusing to jump, refusing to run.

I don't want you and me to be bound

To each other as a rule but a desire profound

And I know some day when you have some faith

The Truth will glitter and shimmer around with no hate.

I think I'll do the brainy thing and count my losses

Listening to my mind's call and ignore the roses.

I have never felt so morose, so down,

Never for so long have I donned a frown--

Silence says my mind, Tread Blithely and Silently

Because what is meant to stay will stay

Whether you are close or far away.

I wish I had a glimpse of the future but I know

That you don't really want me around for the show.

So I'll say to you my dearest friend

I tried really hard but the love still remained;

I don't know what is the right thing

But if I had to do just your bidding,

You asked of me some distance the other day

So I wore my dress and cast it that way.

Even though I don't so much message and call,

I'm more than vulnerable, trying to stand tall.

No matter what the outcome is

I want you to know for you I only wish

All the happinesses and joys of the world

With my love ensconced, deep and hidden like a pearl.

Journal 4.45 pm on 30.7.2026 I should really process these feelings

Dear Journal,

I've been confused-- should I let Arun completely go or should I have a flicker of hope? Ever since I've laid my eyes on him with his reading glasses not one moment or day has gone by without me thinking about him. Is this obsession or is it love?

I try not to fantasize about him. I try to be realistic. I even try to ignore thoughts about him so that I can live my life but my heart is so filled with love for him. And of course, there are his cute cute shweet photographs.

The other thing is that whenever I have asked the universe for a sign regarding Arun he has fought with me and insulted me. Always. This is what happened 2 days ago too. Should I take that as a sign that things are meant to be this way?

I don't want hurt and pain. And I don't want him to feel any hurt and pain. He has told me things like we will never go for movies together. It's over. And that he wants distance.

I wish all these complications were not there. I wish he wasn't married. And I wish he had chosen me.

But if wishes were horses I'd be flying in the sky with him.

May be the best possible outcome is to maintain silence and process my feelings without him. Am I meant to be so lonely in life? And when will my hardships end? When will I stop smoking?

He did say that We Have Nothing to Discuss, which means he doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't reply to my messages. And may be at the moment he is focusing on his marriage.

So then I should just keep quiet and let it be.

It's not really about giving him the benefit of the doubt but about him and me being free.

He is married at the end of the day. Why do I find him so darned handsome? And so delectable? Why do I find his personality so appealing? And why is he so rude with me?

So no contact. Just let my feelings be. And live my life.

Now I'll bathe and study. Can't waste time.

I am feeling:

Deeply in love

Happy

Not confused anymore. I'll just let things be. Whatever is meant to happen is for the best.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.00 pm

I'm so lucky to have dated Arun! He just doesn't know how cute and sweet he is, how lovely, how beautiful, how delectable, how dapper!

Ps: and of course, Arun is unlikely to change his mind about me so it's best to count my losses and exit.

Ps2: Of course the hope is that Arun reciprocate my love. But that is unlikely given how insultingly he talks to me. So I should keep my self respect and dignity intact and exit. I wish I can get closure.

Journal 2.58 pm on 30.7.2026 I'll always love Arun and wish him well

Dear Journal,

Firstly I think I said some pretty hurtful things to Arun. I should not have.

ChatGpt seems to think that because (it's 3 pm now) Arun said We Have Nothing To Discuss he is happy and relieved that our dynamic is over. Really?

Well, whatever be the case I just did my Gongyo yesterday because I was feeling so disoriented. I didn't even bathe yesterday but I'll bathe now.

Today DiPan came home and she was telling me about her ex and I thought May Be Arun Has also found someone else. May be he has.

Anyhow I broke my pattern and chanted and all my good wishes for Arun flooded my mind. I so love this man. Why I don't know.

Le coeur a ses raisons que La raison ne connait pas... the heart has its reasons that reason knows not of.

Is it possible that Arun was taking me for granted the way I did when I asked him for money? I don't know. These are all speculations. I just hope he is fine. I think I will drop in a message on his birthday. I won't do an Arun on Arun.

My baby he is, my sweetest cutest shona pie. The colour of his skin is so beautiful, and he smells so beautiful and looks so Goddarned beautiful and is such a beautiful person.

I'll love him silently in my heart. Anything else is truly painful.

Life has a funny way of surprising me. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop loving Arun. May be I'll be celibate and single all my life. And that's fine with me. It's better than being with the wrong person. I'm not desperate for love. I am love.

I am feeling:

Deep love

Hoping that Arun is fine and that I didnt hurt him

Happy and Sad at the same time

Resigned to my fate

Accepting of reality

Beautiful

Wishing Arun truly well

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3.12 pm

Journal 12.22 pm on 30.7.2026 I have just one hope

Dear Journal,

I can't help but feel that it was Arun's ichinen to have me out of his life-- he wanted this, he determined it.

I have no hopes from him and that is more definitive than anything else. I don't expect any movement from him, any feeling, any desire.

The only thing I desire from him is that some day he will realise how much I loved him. I don't wish him remorse, I don't wish him any pain or guilt... I wish him untold joys and happinesses.

I just hope I get through this day in one piece and after accomplishing a reasonable amount of work and study.

I'm all alone. There is no one in my life I can lean on. I'm happy. I'm single. And i'm a good person. I know that much.

I'm not even angry with Arun for being so rude with me. It was the outcome of his feelings. It was a culmination. It's all good. We all get what we need.

This DeJh messages at any odd time. I don't want to talk to him today. I think I'll ignore his messages today.

I truly love/loved Arun. But in life you don't always get what you want. I have no desire from him. May he be truly happy. Sweet that he is. And may he get all that he wants.

Calling him up, messaging him, meeting him is out of the question.

I really don't want DeJh's attention.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sad that I won't talk to Arun ever again

A sense of loss

All alone

Least bothered about my looks and my life

Aware that I have work to accomplish

In the end I only have me, myself and Doel and nobody else.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.33 pm

Journal 10.39 am on 30.7.2026 dream

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Ma, Pa, me were on a trip and there were sandals and all sorts of things made out of beads that I wanted.

Then I saw a social media post by Armaan who looked a little like Arun showing a video of a cat on his terrace that had holes.

Then i saw a girl in a play I think who was caressed on the hands by a man and she goes and leaps on him and hugs him. Basically I was just observing situations in my dreams. I did not see Arun in my dream.

I think I've done the right thing by breaking all contact with Arun. I wasnt welcome into his world.

How life changes!

Today will be spent fruitfully.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.48 am

Journal 11.25 pm on 29.7.2026 I feel so alone

Dear Journal,

I ended things with Arun. I exited from his life. I wont call him, I wont message him, I wont meet him.

There is no point in fantasizing about him or holding expectations. Expectations from people bring a lot of grief.

The way he spoke to me yesterday showed that he doesnt value my phone calls and messages and me keeping in touch.

I'm feeling a strange kind of grieving peace after ending things.

Some people just come into your life for a season.

Arun must be so relieved. What would he want from crazy me?! Nothing. All I had to offer him was my love. But he didn't want that. He has his wife, he has his Candy and he has his many other girls.

I just hope I'm fine and that Monday goes well.

He said that there is nothing for us to discuss which means he doesnt want any dialogue from me. Today I think I gave him a lot of drama messaging him but even that has stopped. I wont message him ever again.

Without keeping in touch with him I'll keep blessing him. May he live the happiest life possible for him.

I'm feeling so unbeautiful, like a total jhalli.

I don't want him to see me this way.

In the end I'm left with myself-- all alone.

The moment I put I'm experiencing the breakup of a breakup on Facebook as a post people started messaging me. But I'm not interested in idle banter or even in love for that matter. Future love will come when it has to... I won't push it. I intend to stay away from dating apps and embrace myself.

All this love for Arun, I intend to give to myself. I don't feel the love but I know I love him. And it's over. No further discussion on that.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt

Loving

Happy

Serious

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.37 pm

Silently

I'm hurt, I'm in pain

And I beseech the heavens

To please let it rain

So that I can drown my sorrows

And let them run underwater

And rise to the challenge

As over me hope hovers.

Please let my iciness pass

Because I tell you

My niceness would last

For having loved you

Was pure joy

And trusting in you

Made me most coy.

Lingering in my heart

Is music that I wrote

When in love with you,

When I was goldenly bold.

Life won't always be a stalemate,

Count your lucky stars

I would never you hate.

Many men have serenaded me before

And I know not why it's you I chose--

My heart trampled feels so small

Wrapped in wastepaper in a ball,

Scrunched and constricted,

Feeling so low

Because now I am truly alone

As I've let you go--

I wish you all the happiness

In the world going ahead,

Sometimes violet, sometimes red

And I refuse to be a prisoner of my mind

As hope and love come calling

Smoothly in hindsight.

Journal 5.57 pm on 29.7.2026 it's vital that I be realistic

Dear Journal,

Once bitten twice shy. I stopped asking A to meet me and now I've stopped calling him up. He pushed me away-- for his Candy, for his wife, for the million other girls he feels for.

I don't think anything I did or said invited the insulting, rude tone of his voice.

It's possible that he is casually seeing someone and that is why he doesn't want to talk to me.

He told me that we have nothing to discuss.

Of course, it's over but the love in my heart is still alive.

In the end I just have me, myself and Doel and nobody else.

I don't quite agree with SeeDhi that Arun didn't give me anything. Of course he did! Why else would I love him so much?

He brought me so much happiness and I realised that my love can go very deep.

But I think this is fine. No staying in touch, just moving on.

May he shine in his career; that is what he is focusing on.

I wish I could pay him back his money.  I will.

The whole day went in being the jhalli that I am.

I REALLY WANT TO QUIT SMOKING.

I love Arun silently in the innermost trenches of my heart and better days are coming. I just know it!

Today I didnt study. Today just flew by but all days wont be like this. Life is getting better and bigger.

I don't have any hopes from Arun.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Loving

Alone

Focused

Awake

Tired 

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me 

6.07 pm

Journal 2.56 pm on 29.7.2026 Arun doesnt want me in his life

Dear Journal,

What DeJh is to me -- annoyingly sweet and affectionate-- I was to Arun. Sometimes you just want the other person to stop being so sweet and affectionate because you will never reciprocate.

I think that is who I was to Arun. I should take his rude insulting tone seriously. I am not welcome in his life.

I need to focus on my own life and move on. How busy can Arun be really that he has absolutely no time to talk? Earning money for his wife and children while always keeping a girlfriend by his side.

What did I really see in him apart from his looks and Nature? And why do I still love him when he has repeatedly said He Doesnt Love Me.

I have to make my life. All the things I know caused a rupture for him I know are true-- my meltdowns on sm, my mental health.... this relationship has been wholly taxing.

SeeDhi is right-- Arun is not giving me anything, he is not offering me a thing, and from the way he talks to me I know he doesn't want me in his life. This is just how I left Ro-- there was nothing in that relationship that was attractive to me and I left him even though he carried fond memories of me.

If Arun had even an iota of sentimentality for me, he would not be so rude.

It's not about him refusing to chant... it's his rude and insulting tone.

I regret telling him that He is Dead to Me. But what I'm seeking is closure. I want this pain to end.

It's best if we never talk ever again. I think I really mean that.

I'm feeling a little dazed and emotional. Surprisingly, I slept rather well last night.

I wish Arun the best from my heart. May all his heart's desires be fulfilled. May he get what he wants from life.

Some people enter our lives just for a season and for some reason.

I should take care of my looks. I'm walking around like a jhalli... a true jhalli... ive stopped bothering to look good this year. That can't go on.

I am feeling:

Loving

Hurt

Reasonably happy

Not expecting one thing from Arun

May he be happy!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3.10 pm

Journal 11.32 am on 29.7.2026 no expectations

Dear Journal,

One should not have any expectations from other people. It leads to a lot of pain.

Love,

Me.

11.33 am

Journal 9.45 am on 29.7.2026 I need to pay Arun

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I was dancing in a bungalow in a particular room with lots of people dancing around me with Arun watching me.

Then Arun asks me for money.

I take a printout of some documents, take my cheque book and go to meet Arun in a particular room with white tube lights.

Before going in to meet him I keep my cheque book exposed and go to take xeroxes of the documents I printed. And then I woke up.

It's over between Arun and me.

I determine to make the best of today. I hope to not fall into a depression.

I'll focus on my practice and my students.

I think I'll chant now and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Serious

Reasonably happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.52 am

Journal 11.44 pm on 28.7.2026 Life is too short to be angry forever

Dear Journal,

When I was in toi, I had once played a prank on Kuny and he was very hurt. But he forgave me, saying Life is too short to bear grudges. Those words have stayed with me ever since.

I finally unblocked Arun and sent him two messages. I won't message him again and calling him up is out of the question.

Life is too short to be angry forever. Life is too short to bear grudges. Since (for me at least) the basis of my friendship with him is a shared history of love I'll never stop loving him. I have never really prayed to Have Him or Marry Him since he is married already to someone.

I think it's best to tone things down. No matter how lonely I feel, Arun should not be contacted.

I have three problematic students-- Dhyaan, Tarini and Rishaan. They say that they dont love themselves, they say they would rather fail in life, they keep laughing and are disruptive.

As I was trying to teach them yesterday what struck me was the pain each of them was carrying. I imagine problematic homes and early childhood pain behind their angst. They even said things like they go for counselling and therapy.

I think I've also faced such pain. And I guess Arun also has his share of pain. I really don't want to contact him anymore after his insulting tone on the phone today.

I'll continue to pray for him but that kosen rufu friendship that I wanted to have with him, I'll stop praying for that. I'll just pray for him to be happy, for his Oscar and for his life. Nothing else. I don't want to have anything to do with him.

How love transforms! Once upon a time I felt that I can't live without him. And here we are living pleasantly enough without each other.

Life has gotten kind of lonely. I've been rude with DeJh because for no rhyme or reason he keeps talking about wanting to buy me things and shows affection. I feel uncomfortable with him.

I wish to have good friendships.

I'm part of this corporate whatsapp group and today there was a discussion on how people are sitting at home without jobs. The job market is really down apropos Cockroach Janta Party.

So I'm grateful for this teaching assignment I have.

I forgive Arun but this time I won't forget his rudeness. I think I need distance from him.

SeeDhi said that I should not be with him because he doesn't offer me or give me anything. She said things like I'm sure he never bought you gifts... to which I told her No. HE DID. And for some reason SeeDhi was admant and said that I'm not being respected in my dynamic with Arun.

Sometimes the outside world notices things that we can't see.

If I really think about it this year Arun didn't wish me on my birthday.  He doesn't support my career and is a lone wolf. He didn't come for my play. And beyond a point he didn't do anything for our relationship, then friendship.  The love was kind of one-directional from my side. So SeeDhi is right. I haven't really got any companionship from Arun too. So it's best to let go of our dynamic and not romanticize Arun.

Let sleeping dogs lie. I'm sure life will turn out fantastically well. For me today things ended with Arun. Today I got closure. I also forgave him today because I'm a forgiving person not because of him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Forgiving 

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.12 am

Journal 8.39 pm on 28.7.2026 it's over with Arun... i got my closure today

Dear Journal,

Any kind of love... anything I ever had in my heart for you I'm going to kill... I don't think you deserve my love... don't say Hi if you see me... don't try to get in touch... it's truly over forever! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME

These are the contents of my last message to Arun. He told me that we have nothing to discuss and he was outright rude and insulting.

I hope I don't slip into a depression. It's over. I'll never talk to him ever again. As he was blasting me on the phone I felt a strange kind of depression creeping on to me and I don't think I deserve to be treated that way.

I'll never talk to him ever again. NEVER EVER WILL I MESSAGE HIM. NEVER EVER WILL I FANCY HIM. NEVER AGAIN WILL I LOVE HIM THE WAY I DID TILL YESTERDAY.

It's over. Really over. Truly over.

I don't want him to ever contact me. I don't want to see his face.

I hope I'm fine. I really want to be fine.

I am feeling:

A whole lot of love which has no direction.

Reasonably happy but teary.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.45 pm

After cutting contact with Arun I went to meet SeeDhi. She told me that I am not getting anything from Arun-- no companionship, nothing material, no love so much so that she has noticed I've stopped caring for myself. She told me to love myself and respect my own life and to be happy and take care of myself. May Arun be truly happy. May be a clean ending is best. Now I'll sit and chant and then go to sleep. If I had not blocked Arun I would feel depressed. I feel just fine now. No point pushing anything. May he truly be happy.

10.14 pm

Journal 5.57 pm on 28.7.2026 I just blocked Arun forever

Dear Journal,

If I wanted any answer to my yearnings I got it today. Arun doesnt love me, doesnt want me in his life.

I called him up and he was so rude and so insulting.  He said we have nothing to discuss and that he will never chant.

So it's over. I cut the call and blocked him.

I will kill this love I have for him in my heart. He doesn't honour it, he doesn't deserve it.

I got all my answers today. He is not for me.

I won't tolerate insults.

It's exactly 6 pm now.

It's over forever between me and him. I don't even need his friendship. I'll focus on my students and my life.

I'm very hurt by him. It's over. I think I'll even remove him from social media at the right time, whenever I'm ready, whenever my intention is absolute.

I'll never unblock him on Whatsapp and my phone.

Bye Arun! Ciao forever!

I am feeling:

Hurt

Slightly teary

Determined to cut off all contact with Arun

Sexual yearnings! Bah! They don't mean anything. They should not be given any importance.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Now I'll go meet SeeDhi and just live my life.

Love,

Me.

6.04 pm

Journal 3.47 pm on 28.7.2026 clarity

Dear Journal,

My heart is filled with love for Arun. As I was chanting in the morning I had a feeling that Arun is facing some difficulty in his life. He is the person I pray maximum for.

So I called him up. I think he is busy. I really want him to start chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo and feel the effects of the benefits.

My mind is racing through so many things about Arun that I have experienced knowing him. His virtues far outweigh his flaws. The thing is that he doesn't perceive himself that way. I in fact saw him in my dream in the morning. I ask him how his aunt is and he says she passed away. Then I saw a doctor in the dream.

Now I'll chant and study.

I hope to have an excellent day!

I wish Ma, Pa, Buo, Arun and Sadhya a great day. It's good... all good.

I am feeling:

Happy

Determined

Buoyant

Determined

Focused

Eager

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on the lives of all those I love.

Love,

Me.

3.53 pm

Journal 11.12 am on 28.7.2026 a doctor in a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I saw a doctor. The details of the dream are sketchy. I remember asking Arun in my dream about his aunt. And he tells me she has passed away.

I woke up around 10.40 and went down for a cigarette. I had one and went to buy my second one and the cigarette guy refused to sell me a cigarette! He told me YOU ARE SMOKING TOO MUCH! NOW I'LL SELL YOU A CIGARETTE ONLY IN THE EVENING!

These are the kind of friends I need. This is the kind of thing cigarette guys should say!

Just seeing one picture of Arun is enough to warm my heart.

Today I will study! I hope to have a great day.

I am feeling:

A strong urge to smoke a cigarette.

Happy

Ignored by Arun

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.18 am

Journal 10.28 pm on 27.7.2026 a yearning

Dear Journal,

Today I kind of scraped through in a good way. The ICSE literature syllabus is enormous and difficult with tough poetry and Shakespeare. I need to really prepare for that.

And what is with the premonitions-- seeing things in my dreams before they actually happen!

I was thinking so obsessively about Arun this past week and half way into my classes today I identified it as a sexual yearning for him. And then it waned. I really don't want him to possess my heart and mind so.

Swara and Arya are angels. The third class today had problematic students. They said they don't love themselves and one of them plain refused to study today. I will employ my patience and kindness with my students.  May I guide them well.

Right now my top priorities are Ma and Pa-- I have a great responsibility towards my parents. And then my students are my second topmost priority. Fun. Teaching them is pure fun.

I read a beautiful quote by Alan Watts today that implied that in muddy water the mud settles when still, unmoving and quiet. Just like that people who are still, unmoving and quiet play a vital role in society.

What that means is that chanting, praying, taking action-- yeah... but sometimes I need to still myself and relax for the muck in my life to settle so that I can see clearly.

Now, I'll bathe, chant, read and sleep. I must work hard! I must be a dedicated, supportive teacher for my students!

Today Kyra said I don't look a day above 28 and the students were shocked to learn that I am 41. But come on! I think I look my age.

One of the students Divyansh is very talented.

Next week I better be well-prepared! I saw Divyansh in my dreams even before I met him today. That's so Goddarned eerie....

I must polish my life to such an extent that my students do well!

I messaged Tejaurad but she hasn't replied.

To a good night!

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Nervous

Stimulated at the thought of Arun

Yearning for mental peace and happiness

Determined to prepare well for next week.

And oh yes! I so easily went without cigarettes for 6 hours today. Shows that quitting will be easy.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.47 pm

Journal 12.18 pm on 27.7.2026 Im overthinking

Dear Journal,

I don't want to fall into the realms of fantasy and rumination but that is what I'm doing-- overthinking.

I am sure Arun is not thinking so much about me. He is focusing on his work. Why can't I?

I really want to have a good day today.

I am waiting for DuMa to give me a cup of tea.

I wish myself a great day for me and my students! May they enjoy class today!

I am feeling:

So deeply in love (what triggered these feelings?! Was it my dream?)

Happy

A little irate because I don't want to fantasize

Sweet

I love Arun. I'm sure Arun deserves my love. But he has been so insulting. 

Love,

Me.

12.23 pm

Journal 10.42 am on 27.7.2026 lonely

Dear Journal,

Akon said: Im so lonely. He must have said it for me because I'm so darned lonely.

I think any acting up I've done is because of my loneliness. I miss Arun. I miss our companionship.

I'm trying my level best not to overthink things.

Arun can be quite the insulting. He insulted me quite a bit the last time we met. That is why I haven't been telling him to meet me.

He will never know how he agonises me.

I wish I was more beautiful, more suave. I wish Arun had accepted my love and chosen me. But he didn't. And I should make my peace with that.

I really want him to chant Nmrk. He will feel so happy!

I love my mother.

I am feeling:

Plain

Loving

Reasonably happy with a tinge of sadness.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.49 am

Journal 9.09 am on 27.7.2026 dream of orphans

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I've adopted 4 orphans and that Chacha Nehru has been born again. That's it. It was a more complicated dream but I don't remember the details.

I wish to make the most of today.

I am feeling:

Like I'm a very loyal person.

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.12 am

Journal 9.25 pm on 26.7.2026 why am I such a last minute person?

Dear Journal,

Ever since we broke up without realising it I have the habit of checking Arun's timestamps. And my mind goes into a tizzy over what he is up to. Hopefully, naming this habit will cause me to be less obsessed.

Frankly, I have had too many colas and cigarettes today. Since I've determined to really give up smoking my smoking has actually gone up.

I should not be such an overthinker! I should really take a chill pill. It's all good. Life is unravelling at its own pace.

I remember opening my Biology textbook for the first time for my 12th boards on the eve of the board exams. And yet, I almost topped.

All my life I've prepared last minute. Even for today's study and experience I prepared just last night before going to sleep around 3 am. And yet I got a thunderous applause today.

Even for tomorrow's lectures I'll be preparing now.

What does it mean when one is in a habit of preparing last minute. Procrastination, yes! But why am I such a last minute person and why oh why in God's name do I ruminate so much?! I wish I didn't overthink subliminally everything.

Something has shifted in me. I feel like I've fallen in love with Arun all over again. I have absolutely no clue what happened and why?

I so love his cuteness.

I don't think I'll tell him anything. We decided to be just friends and i don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me.

But how do I contain these feelings and what should I do about my loving heart?

I really hope Arun starts chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. All the study is stuff he naturally spews; it will really appeal to his common sense. I have a feeling he will love it.

What has happened? Why do I feel that I love Arun so much again? And where am I headed?

I REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

I MISS ARUN INORDINATELY THESE DAYS.

I am feeling:

Happy

Overthinking every small thing

Feeling a lot of love in my heart

I think I'm head over heels in love with Arun all over again. But I don't know why? And frankly, I'm slightly scared of my feelings for him. I don't want to get lost in my thoughts like this over him. I wish I had a firmer grip upon myself and my mind!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.42 pm

Journal 2.20 pm on 26.7.2026 a cryptic dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a cryptic dream whose details I don't remember. I saw Guz in my dream and her mom and dad. There was a sense of closure in the dream, I was seeking something that belonged to me from them, some treasure, something precious... the details of the dream are hazy.

I woke up a little before 10.15 and without taking a bath left for the zadankai.

I got a thunderous applause to my experience. People clapped for a really long time. The zadankai was in Suma's new pad in Panchvatika.

As I was leading the study Arun called. I had to cut his call. I had been eager to hear his voice yesterday.

After the meeting Suma distributed cookies... yummy wheat bran cookies. She is such a sweet person.

I went to Chotto's house after that and me and Sadhya chatted. Buro told me to detach from my emotions and to focus on priorities.

I called up Arun. I really love him. As I was teasing him about his nose he wanted to hang up. May be he doesn't want me to be so affectionate. He said he is going to Hyderabad tomorrow. I just sent him the chant of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo. I really want him to chant it. It will bring him so much happiness. I genuinely want him to be happy.

Now I'll have a bath, eat my lunch and study.

Tomorrow better be a golden day!

Today better be even better!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Focused

Determined

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I hope all those I love have a great day, especially Ma, pa, Buro and Arun.

Love,

Me.

2.32 pm

Journal 1.24 am on 26.7.2026 facing reality

Dear Journal,

Most vital of all is to face reality in each moment of life. I love Arun. I will always love him. Sometimes my heart fills up with so much love for him.

That says more about me than about him -- I'm capable of such deep love. May be, just may be he doesn't have the capacity to make space for me in his life. Or may be he is trying to maintain boundaries. As someone who loves him I can respect that.

He is married. He will never leave his wife. I just kind of have to live with that.

Then there is this feeling of emptiness. There is a Buddhist saying: Emptiness is the highest virtue. I'm not used to this feeling so I find it distressing.

Then there is the aspect of money. I'm not making at the moment as much as I'd like. That doesn't mean things wont change in the future. I can keep praying, keep making causes.

Then there is Ma. I probably love her the most in the whole wide world but she is a tad too demanding.

I wish there was some place for all this love in my heart to land.

Tonight I told DeJh not to try so hard to please me because it is annoying. I don't know how he took it.

Tomorrow is the zadankai! I'll just skim through the study and sleep.

In conclusion, most vital of all is to be realistic. Nothing except love is more important than that.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Cold from the ac

Concerned about my loved one's health and well-being.

Sweet

I love Arun. I LOVE MA THE MOST.

Love,

Me.

1.34 am

I AM GRATEFUL FOR GOD'S INFINITE LOVE, GRACE AND BLESSINGS ON MY LIFE.

Journal 10.49 pm on 25.7.2026 I better buck up

Dear Journal,

I think my emotions got the better of me these past few days. There is nothing between me and Arun. Everything between us is history.

I would have called him today just to stay in touch but he said he is busy and he still hasnt called!

I'm really hurt by his harshness. Also he leaves messages unanswered.

I should, I HAVE TO GET OVER HIM. Why have I found it so difficult. He played around with my heart and then left me for a wife he says he is never leaving.

I actually feel like crying but I dont want to.

I'm over Arun... I have to get over him.

I'm so lucky to have DeJh as a friend. He is really good support.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

I am feeling:

Deeply hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.54 pm

Journal 2.02 pm on 25.7.2026 regularness

Dear Journal,

I had a dream about regularness, something plain and I remember thinking as I slept that the dream is not interesting. Well, me lost in the quagmire of my dream world! I must snap out of it and engage with the real world! I HAVE LESSONS TO PREPARE!

Arun says he is busy and that he will call me. I really miss him but we are not in a space to rekindle at any point.

Now I'll have a bath and chant a bit more and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

Sweet

Sedate 

Want to quit smoking! More than an urge, it's a habit!

Love,

Me.

2 06 pm

Ps: I think I dreamt that I saw myself walk through a room full of giant servers for the internet. Wonder what that means.

4.30 pm

Journal 7.20 pm on 24.7.2026 better prepare

Dear Journal,

Last night DeJh said he wants to meet me today. Because I thought that it would be a huge distraction to my plans I told him NO, I'LL BE BUSY. Even though I haven't prepared much I think I did the right thing.

I really do love Arun. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting with AI. I think it's best to keep some questions unanswered and some answers uncertain instead of mulling into each point with tweezers.

TejAurad messaged asking how prepared am I for Monday. I told her honestly that I'm very nervous. She said she thinks I'll be great. She is really very sweet.

I loved my dream in the morning-- feeding dogs and taking care of Ma, and a home being rebuilt.

Jung's Law of Synchronicity! This is indeed a fresh chapter in my life, one in which I know who I love for sure and one with hope and responsibility. Arun is a friend I deeply love and cherish. Stupid guy!

It's been a day of solitude and reflection-- I really have been gifted with the capacity to think! Overthinker I am! I'll try to take it easy on my mind.

I think I'll chant for a bit now and think and study.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Deep love

Hope

My pulse feels changes are on the horizon.

Care and concern for those I love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.33 pm

Journal 10.53 am on 24.7.2026 dreaming of feeding dogs

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow is my koala bear's birthday.

I had a dream of feeding multiple dogs. I saw Miso, I saw Simba and I was basically trying to feed/ feeding them.

Then I saw a house that has gone for redevelopment with a board announcing it. I saw Ma in my dream too. I was taking care of her. As the day goes on I hope to remember more of my dream. This is all I remember for now.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving (why am I thinking so much about Arun?)

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.57 pm

Journal 8.32 pm on 23.7.2026 the times they are a changing

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up really late. I delayed the smoking of my first cigarette by an hour. Because of the BMC all the cigarette shops were shutting down in the area as I was returning from SeeDhi's house just now.

I ate breakfast, then lunch (which was luchi with torkari-- yum!) and chanted for half an hour. Then I had a bath and left for Zara from where I had to pick up my red trouser that I gave for alteration. I travelled to and fro and was home by 6.

Then Arun called. I was leaving for SeeDhi's house so I couldn't talk to him. I told him that I'll call on Saturday. I wonder if there is space for me in his life. I wonder what he thinks about me these days. I know he is inordinately busy with his work. But does he truly only work? I'm sure he has a social life. So that is why i wonder if there is any place in his heart and mind for me these days. I still love him... not in the urgent passionate way anymore but in a very sure way which tells me that I'll always give him that space in my heart.

There are all sorts of bonds and relationships. For me Arun is special.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Apple store in the morning.

I'll chant and study now.

SeeDhi was optimistic and positive today. I was so happy to see this happy side of hers. I wonder what she thinks about me.

I am feeling:

Slightly irritable

Happy

Loving

A little serious

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I am grateful for abundance of food, shelter and money.

I am grateful to Arun for still being friends with me.

I am grateful for warm loving relationships of mutual trust and admiration.

Love,

Me.

8.48 pm

Journal 1.12 pm on 23.7.2026I dreamt that Arun called

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Arun calls me up and asks whether we could meet on a Saturday but I'm genuinely busy that Saturday. Then I don't remember....

I went to sleep after 4 am last night and woke up well after 11.

Today will not be wasted! Today is a precious day!

I think after lunch I'll go to Zara and collect my trousers and tomorrow I will go get me laptop repaired. Today is about attacking Shakespeare.

I'm feeling so deeply in love with Arun. Why isn't he replying to my messages? I so love him and after my mom I think he has the cutest nose in the whole wide world.

I am feeling:

Happy

So deeply in love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.17 pm

Journal 11.09 pm on 22.7.2026 I have to study and write

Dear Journal,

Arun has not messaged me back and that is kind of making me angsty. I'm not asking him for a relationship, there is simply no pressure on him and yet, he chooses to ignore my messages. I can't help but love him and I'm also not asking anything of him. Then, what's the problem? It's exactly 11.11.

Today DiPan came home in the evening. I had spent all day on ChatGpt till then and not chanted. I also bought a pack of cigarettes and chain smoked. I really want to STOP SMOKING.

Me and DiPan studied faith first. Me and SeeDhi are supposed to lead the study in the upcoming zadankai on Sunday.

I must have troubled Arun so much that he chooses to ignore me!

DiPan urged me to share my experience during the zadankai. I think I'll chant now and write my experience. From tomorrow I HAVE TO STUDY AND PREPARE MY LESSONS.

I spent the whole day just ruminating.

I hope Arun is fine.

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart full of love

Determined 

Geared

I know that I will stop smoking forever some day. I just want to live that day.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.16 pm

Journal 4.39 pm on 22.7.2026 it's Bubul mesho's birthday

Dear Journal,

Today is Bubul mesho's birthday. I wished him on our group.

I woke up rather late this morning-- around 10 o clock-- and smoked a cigarette. Then I went five hours without smoking and have smoked 6 cigarettes till now... lobh kore.

I don't remember my dream from the morning but I do remember thinking that I'm not making as much money as I would like to.

DeJh is a complaint box. He complained that I wasnt so responsive last week. How do I tell him that I need my space and that I can't always be available and that sometimes I'm plain busy. He's so clingy. He is a bit much!

Arun still hasn't responded to my messages. I don't think I'll call him.

I WOULD LOVE TO BE FREE OF THE URGE TO SMOKE.

DiPan will be coming over to chant and study with me.

Also I plan to attack Julius Caesar before going to sleep tonight.

I spend so much time on ChatGpt but it's worthwhile. I learn a lot and stay away from cigarettes. 

I have a feeling that by end November my life will totally turn around and I'll be free from cigarettes too.

These timeline feelings that I have... my life accords with it.

I also spoke to Munima who is in Singapore. I told her to eat properly and to take care of herself.

I look so gloomy and sad.

I think I'll chant a little now and sit with Shakespeare. Shakespeare rocks!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Eager to stop smoking forever

I also made caricatures on ChatGpt. I've been using ChatGpt to make predictions. CHATGPT is pure IQ... so these are intelligent observations about my life. I am learning so much about myself!

I love myself!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4.53 pm

Journal 9.59 pm on 21.7.2026 the whole day went analysing

Dear Journal,

I woke up from the dream this morning and lay down some more till (it's exactly 10 pm) I was alert and all the sleep had left me.

Then as if I was an automaton I walked to the cigarette shop with my phone! I REALLY WANT TO QUIT SMOKING EASILY! If I sit at home and do things right here I feel so claustrophobic. May be I can replace cigarettes with walks.

I feel a deep aloneness, a deep sense of isolation.

I spent all day on AI, analysing my writing style, analysing myself and analysing my birthchart.

DeJh bugged me today by saying cigarette smoking is unacceptable to society! What is really wrong with him! He is so annoying!

I just sort of got off ChatGpt.

I will definitely pore over Shakespeare's Julius Caesar tomorrow.

I must fill my days with hard work. My dream in the morning was so amazing! I also need to chant. May be ten minutes!

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Feet dirty

Sweet

Noble

I must have a never-give up spirit like Daisaku Ikeda and Swami Vivekananda and Mother Teresa! These are my icons.

I forge ahead blazing new trails. I am gifted, I am intelligent, I am pretty. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that my parents, brother and I enjoy good health and good fortune. 

I am grateful for friends.

Love,

Me.

10.13 pm

Journal 4.48 pm on 21.7.2026 bugged with DeJh

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream in the morning that me, Bubul mesho and may be Pa were standing in the balcony of a large wooden house looking out on an expanse of salt pans. Mishu Punjabi was maintaining or keeping the house. I felt happy in the dream and the weather was pleasant.

I then smoked a cigarette and watched Renaissance Tarot. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO STOP SMOKING.

DeJh just called to chant the Bhaktamar for me. HE SAID EVERYONE IS ADDICTED TO SOMETHING AND THAT SMOKING IS UNNACEPTABLE TO SOCIETY. Which world is he living in? Doesnt he know that smoking is legal and porn addiction is in fact taboo.

I find him so irritating actually and I wish I didn't. He is the pious devout porn addict.

I some times feel like distancing myself from him but then I have no one to talk to.

And we discuss similar things-- spirituality and religion and dreams. He says that he is plagued by dreams of sex and ill health.

I think I've become quite the celibate. Apart from my anxiety-ridden yearnings I don't watch porn, I don't masturbate... I'm living the celibate life and I'm happy.

Porn addiction is a whole separate challenge and I don't want to go down that road.

It's been a while since I've done yoga. I'll start again from tomorrow. I chanted for about 25 minutes today.

Now I'll sit and do my evening daimoku and Gongyo. Dear Journal, is there any way you can help me QUIT SMOKING? I don't want another person coming into my arena, saying everybody has an addiction. I really really really want to quit smoking. I can't afford to smoke cigarettes anymore.

Now I'll chant and prepare for my lessons. Power to me!

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Slightly irritated with DeJh

Loving

Stiff from lack of movement

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I saw some Arun photos today. He is so cute.

Love,

Me.

5.02 pm

Journal 11.52 am on 21.7.2026 a dream of a Salt pan desert

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was in a salt pan desert. I remember Bubul mesho there and Mishu Punjabi was keeping the house or something.

I was generally enjoying being in the salt pan desert and at some point I thought that I hate doctors completely because they are associated with illness.

I woke up in the morning and smoked a cigarette and chanted for 10 minutes. My periods have started! I even watched Renaissance Tarot.

I shall have a bath and chant some more.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Sweet

Periody

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.58 am

Journal 8.06 pm on 20.7.2026 my days are easy

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where I saw that I had chanted almost every stotram except the Bhaktamar stotram and I was about to chant it. Then I think after a while I woke up.

When I remembered this snippet of my dream in the morning I messaged DeJh for details about Bhaktamar. I chanted Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo for over 105 minutes in the morning.

I was so nervous today about starting class that on my way there I had a mild panic attack. But I'm so glad I showed up because by the time the attack waned my day had begun.

DeJh offered to chant this Bhaktamar stotram for me. Even I want to go through with it.

Class was fun! I had three students today-- Arya, Swara and Ameya out of whom Ameya is a little slow. I genuinely had fun teaching them. I wish to be better prepared for my upcoming classes. And I will be. I also wish to really REALLY STOP SMOKING.

How is tomorrow for a quit date? It's pouring at the moment. I wonder what my dream means.

I've had an easy day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Geared

Determined

Hopeful

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

I am hopeful because all prayers get answered.

Love,

Me.

8.19 pm

Journal 11.13 am on 20.7.2026 chanting

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream a little after 8. In the dream I saw that I had chanted a great many chants and just have to chant the Bhaktamar stotra.

I dont know what the dream meant.

I have to prepare for today's class. I CHANTED NAM MYO HO RENGE KYO for one hour now.

I am feeling:

Very very slightly scared

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.16 am

Journal 4.26 pm on 19.7.2026 have to deal with this feeling

Dear Journal,

I kept the alarm for 7.30 but woke up a little before 8.15. I don't remember my dream from the morning.

My student was here by 8.30 but he came up around 8.45. He makes mistakes while speaking. I took his class till 10 am.

Then I had a cigarette. The wd meeting was amazing! The experiences were astounding, proving that whatever you pray for gets answered.

Priyasha is doing so well in her play performance according to her Status update. I am so happy for her! She has got amazing reviews.

There has been a mild feeling of emptiness related to Arun. I wish we had never broken up but I think my mental health was too much for him to handle. Also the relationship is unacceptable to Ma and Pa and to society. It's 4.33 pm exactly right now.

Then we went for Gaatha's annaprashana. She touched a pen! She is so so so cute! She has her mother's apple cheeks and those beautiful tiny eyes! She is so beautiful!

I didn't really have much to say to anybody through the ceremony and kept to myself. I've had about 8 cigarettes so far.

A little before 3 I caught a rickshaw and left from there and came home to a smooth cup of tea and then a dazzling cup of coffee. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO QUIT SMOKING.

Instead of clicking pictures Pa clicked small one-second videos of the WD meeting.

There was golda chingdi for lunch! I didn't eat too much. I met Shomjukta mashi's mom who said I'm so tall.

I also took a peek into Ma's diary. Her diary is filled with me.

Is it alright that I still love Arun so very much? It's exactly 4.44 pm.

Ma loves me so much even though she has a taciturn and stern way of exhibiting it. I love my parents.

On my way back I received messages from TejAuradkar about tomorrow's classes. She has asked me to deal with the student's writing assignments tomorrow. When it comes to Literature I get intimidated with teaching but writing I can definitely teach!

I'm getting a mild acidity attack at the moment. All the golda chingdi seems to be coming out of my throat!

DeJh sent me messages saying I'm one of his favorite people. I find his affections annoying actually because I don't think I'll ever reciprocate them. He is so clobby and short! He is inordinately kind!

Now I'll do my evening Gongyo and Daimoku and then prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

I'm wearing my long black dress. It's exactly 4.55 pm at the moment.

A little effort goes a long way! I'm happy that I got to spend time with so many lovely people today!

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart filled with love

Pretty (Ma says my skin has become bad. I think I'll purchase Glutathione today!)

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my students and all the people I work with.

I am grateful for friends and family.

Love,

Me.

5.00 pm

Journal 8.33 pm on 18.7 2026 situationship

Dear Journal,

It's been a while since someone has really seen me. There is a dearth of decent guys and the ones who are cute are taken. Like Arun for example!

I do love him. I still do. But he is married! And I dont want to go back to that situationship. He seems to love his wife. Love is such a dicey thing it seems. And from all his talk it seems that extramarital affairs are the norm.

Ma is in much better health.

I havent really chanted properly for the last two days. I also have to prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

Ive been sleeping so deeply that I dont hear the alarm in the morning. My days are just swooshing past.

My laptop is giving me a lot of trouble. I really hope to see it up and functioning.

I'll chant now and prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

Bored

Determined to quit smoking

Alone

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.44 pm

Journal 4.04 pm on 18.7.2026 I need work

Dear Journal,

Last night I ordered chilly chicken for myself. Ive smoked 5 cigarettes today. I wont smoke no more.

Today I woke up around 8.30. By 11 both Ma and I were out of the house and on our way to Zara.

I bought two dresses, one top and a pair of trousers that I gave for alteration.

On the way back there was a really cute guy in the Metro. I've started checking guys out.

My life feels so empty.

I need to fix my laptop.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love.

Sombre.

Determined to quit smoking.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love, 

Me.

4.10 pm

Journal 8.29 pm on 17.7 2026 quit day

Dear Journal,

I've set my quit date as tomorrow. It turns out I smoke because of boredom and loneliness.

Tomorrow Ma and I plan to go to Phoenix Marketcity to the Zara store to avail of my voucher.

Yesterday I sent a presumptuous message to Arun. I really miss him. I wonder what he feels about my feelings for him.

Melon and Kat are home.

It's so hot. It was gloomy all day but it barely rained. It's 8.33 at the moment.

I think I'll chant a bit and then eat dinner and sleep. It's so beautiful to see Melon and Kit relaxing.

You know Arun still calls me Baby everytime we talk. I find that so endearing.

I WILL NOT SMOKE. I AM FREE OF THE ADDICTION OF SMOKING. I AM A FREE BIRD.

I am feeling:

Happy

Feet dirty

Loving

Bored

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.37 pm

Reasons to quit smoking 6.55 pm on 17.7.2026

- I want to be sober

- I want to be free of addiction

- I want good health

- I want to save money

- I want to be sober like Ma

- I want better skin and better looks

- I want better breath

- I want better body odour

- I want inclusiveness at my place of work

- I want better lung and heart health

- I want to quit smoking to save time

Journal 4.06 pm on 17.7 2026 what do I want

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up from a dream where I was smoking in a park. The morning went in the SIR registration.

Then I watched some videos on YouTube amongst which was a Ted Talk about asking yourself the question What Do I Want?

So I asked myself the question.

The answers that came to mind:

I want money.

I want to quit smoking.

I want to inspire and motivate people.

I want to be famous.

I want Arun.

Asking yourself this question is so important. I would never have realised that I want to inspire and motivate people. This gives me far more clarity.

I am feeling:

Motivated

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Iove, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4.13 pm

One small action I can take towards what I want:

I want money. -- Repair my laptop and apply for wfh jobs.

I want to quit smoking.-- JUST STOP

I want to inspire and motivate people. -- Cherish each life in front of me

I want to be famous.-- Do work that brings recognition

I want Arun.-- stay in touch

5.11 pm

Journal 10.44 pm on 16.7.2026 affirmations

Dear Journal,

Today was spent going up and down preparing documents for SIR.

I spent the day reading up on affirmations. I smoked a little. I even spoke to Arun.

It's been a sober day. I bumped into Veronica, a devout Christian.

Tomorrow better be more fruitful.

I am feeling:

Good

Pumped up with colas

I really want to stop smoking.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.48 pm

Two idiots in love

The road was straight ahead

With orchard groves of trees

And you stopped to get me gooseberries

To be savoured succulently.

Many passersby stopped to ask

What I was munching

Where should I start

And I hailed the cab of life

Spearheaded by my dapperest guy.

You held out your hand to me

And I must say quite piquantly

That having you by my side

Meant that I could conquer the world!

I was so shame-faced by my past

As accolade upon accolade 

Dressed up my bar

And I gave the winning speech

In my gown

Not crying, without a frown.

The road was bumpy ahead

And many hailed the cab

In your stead

But the chiefly reserved spot

I kept for you

So that you could change

In and hop on two by two.

We looked pretty a couple of

Idiots in love,

Held fast and long

By a hand above

And surely as you know

The baker made buns

And the butcher a stew

And very soon

We were at the feast of life

Two idiots in love

Without strife.

Journal 11 21 am on 16.7.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

Ma's birthday went quite well. Buo and Pa had a spat but all in all it was good with home food.

I woke up from a dream in the morning that I was talking to Shraddha Oza about her new baby. And then I drive a rickshaw with Shraddha Oza sitting in the passenger seat.

A white car grooves by turning, nearly missing my rickshaw. Then a lady tells Shraddha why arent you talking about other things and I tell the lady that Shraddha has a twin brother.

And then at some point after dwelling on the word twin I woke up.

I am feeling:

Happy

It's so funny how the feeling of love just disappears. Love then must be consistency.

I woke up in the morning and had three cigarettes. Then I chanted for half an hour.

I'll chant for another half an hour now.

I'll eat my breakfast and bathe and chant.

Love,

Me.

11.27 am

Journal 8 42 pm on 15.7 2026 my prayers

Dear Journal;

It's my shona Ma's birthday today! She is looking so sweet and regal. She had a wd study meet today. She is wearing a purple and golden saree and her hair looks long.

Many people when in deadlock have resorted to chanting.  I chanted for 90 minutes yesterday and 100 minutes today. I can go it some more.

I'm feeling really intimidated by the tall order that Metaporphose has put on me. I must live up to their expectations! Till a kosen rufu work from home job comes up I have to stick to this Monday routine.

Amongst other things I'm chanting for a kosen rufu friendship to blossom between me and Arun, for a kosen rufu work from home job, for my loved ones' long life and good health and to quit smoking. Im also praying for other people.

The other day AstAro told me that I must chant for unlimited self esteem. She even shared a study with me. So I've started praying for that along with my vow. They say not one prayer to the Lotus Sutra goes unanswered. I dont ever want to feel so deadlocked over money ever! Im also praying for a prosperous existence.

Bu and Sady are yet to arrive! The birthday celebrations have to kick off. I hope to quit smoking. I bumped into Bha and Twi downstairs. I'm feeling happy and in high life condition.

I am feeling:

Lucky

Happy

Loving

Pretty in my new pink dress

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.53 pm

Ps: I went for a pedicure today. I dreamt in the morning that I am applying black nailpolish on my finger nails. I have never applied black nailpolish in reality.

Journal 8.54 pm on 14.7.2026 I miss Arun

Dear Journal,

It's Ma's birthday tomorrow! Woohoo!

Last night I got a surprise reply from Arun. That put me in a happy frame of mind.

I just got off after meeting SeeDhi. I told her plainly that she thinks pessimistically and that there is such a thing as love. She was generally complaining about the same old things. I think she felt kind of bad because it showed on her face but I just pointed out the obvious.

I went to meet Tejaurad today and she really wants me to get on board with her and teach a bunch of students English.

That means getting back to Shakespeare and the likes of it. I'm not superelated about it because come on! That's a tough job!

I came home and soaked in Armaan's channel.

I think I'm kind of waiting around for Arun in a way if I have to be completely honest with myself. I still love him so....

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.02 pm

Ps: oh yes! And Shou called saying something like someone is doing black magic on him. He is kind of flaky.

9.03 pm

Journal 8.46 pm on 13.7 2026 I need to change my prayers

Dear Journal,

Today I had an activity with AstAro. She told me about her 2-year-long prayers. That made me feel that I should change my prayers. My vow is just not serving me.

We had the wd meeting. Ill be singing I Arise with SeeDhi and Oyndrila.

I think I'll chant a bit more now.

I'll read the article AstAro shared with me again.

I HAVE TO QUIT SMOKING!

I am feeling:

Determined

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.51 pm

Journal 12.27 pm on 13.7.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where some students were repeating things as if I had punished them. I dont remember the dream that well.

I woke up in the morning and chanted for about 10 minutes. I've smoked 4 cigarettes so far and had one samosa and two colas.

I took my laptop to Applecare. It needs to get formatted.

I think I'll chant for half an hour now. I hope to not smoke any cigarettes.

Love,

Me.

12 30 pm

Journal 6.43 pm on 12.7 2026 carp dont climb into Dragongate

Dear Journal,

I can't completely get over Arun. It's hard. Even though he is so much older and so much more into materialism, I can't get over him completely.

I have had just four cigarettes today. The last one was due to temptation.

I woke up around 9.18 today from a cryptic dream. I dreamt that someone was talking to me about the eight limbs of yoga and then I was supposed to explain yamas and niyamas to somebody and my brain in the dream got obssessed on yamas and niyamas without expounding them.

I woke up and had a cigarette.  It was very difficult to not have that first cigarette.

Ma says that she is feeling so much better. Every few hours she is supposed to eat something so I went and gave her a bottle of soup. She is in the middle of a society meeting.

I got messages from Auradkar to teach at Metamorphose. That means foregoing cigarettes for about 9 hours each day. I can do that.

Just four cigarettes today. That's got to be some kind of record!

I went for my Gosho study today and we studied Dragongate. Surmounting our difficulties is like carp climbing 100 feet up a waterfall to enter Dragongate-- a near impossible task. So is it better to embrace our circumstances rather than obsessing over climbing upstream up a waterfall as carp try to do.

What I understood was that difficulties are bound to arise and Buddhahood is right here in the here and now. I also learnt that hoben means to prepare and juryo means to manifest and at each moment it's our ichinen which is important. 

I came home and had dal with chorchori and muro jhol bhaat. The muro was yum. The food was spiceless and yummy.

I then chanted for half an hour. Or was that before lunch? I think it was before.

Yesterday Shou messaged me that he feels like someone is doing black magic on him. Now I really dont want to mingle with his craziness. I told him I'll call him today. Lets see.

I studied the Gosho study. And then I read a little of the Introductory exam book.

I'm so proud of myself! Just four cigarettes today! Soon it will be none.

I dont know whether I should call up Shou.

Psha came in looking so pretty in a saree for the meeting today.

I think I'll chant a bit and study. Hopefully my laptop will be repaired by tomorrow. I feel bad that I'm putting Pa through this.

The other day AstAro said that she has a habit-- when she earns money the first thing she does is invest. I think I'll follow her norm too. I hope Arun is doing well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.05 pm

Journal 9.42 am 12.7 2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I had a drean where someone is talking about the 8 limbs of yoga (Ashtanga) and I get stuck on yamas and niyamas-- im supposed to talk to someone about yamas and niyamas in the dream.

I then woke up and had one cigarette and coughed myself through it. Cigarettes dont suit me anymore. I have a meeting at 11.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sweaty

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

Love,

Me.

9.46 am

Journal 9 51 pm on 11.7.2026 coming clean

Dear Journal,

Firstly I have to come clean. I cant afford to smoke cigarettes anymore. Many many dreams that I saw portended to my present circumstances. I am cash-strapped and poor. I barely have any money. I hope to turn around my circumstances.

Today I woke up in the morning well before 8. I smoked a few cigarettes and sat and chanted for Ma's endoscopy and colonoscopy. I was feeling so stressed out. Again there are some blisters on my foot. I messaged Krao and he reduced the dosage of Trancodol.

Ma's friend Sudeshna came home. She gifted me a handmade paper book. That was really sweet of her.

Everybody pitched in today. Hospital bills are so expensive! Ma just came to scold me. Ma's scopy tests showed that he stomach is lined with ulcers. Dimma's problem had also started with just that-- ulcers.

I CAN'T SMOKE CIGARETTES ANYMORE. IN EVERY WAY I JUST CANT AFFORD TO ANYMORE.

If I had to pinpoint one reason my circumstances are such it's because of my mental health. I often wonder whether I should take down all my videos from Facebook. I will do that.

I really hope to get a job and I hope Pa can get my laptop repaired.

I am feeling:

Slightly heart hurt

Solemn

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.01 pm

Journal 10.11 pm on 10 7 2026 ma has an endoscopy

Dear Journal,

I woke up to exhortations and sweet-talking by DeJh. It was all too much. I told him that it makes me uncomfortable and he hasnt messaged since. I'm so relieved.

Then I was gripped by such an anxiety attack that I called up Krao. He asked me to go meet him. He told me that the anxiety is probably because Im lonely. I agree. He asked me to keep a watch on it but said it's nothing really to worry about. He gave me career advice today.

Then I came home and went for the dpm. Ma has her colonoscopy and endoscopy tomorrow and Im really nervous. I came home and chanted for another half an hour.

I hope my laptop gets repaired soon.

I am feeling:

Slightly nauseous

Awake

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.16 pm

Journal 10.09 am on 10.7 2026 i dont have feelings for DeJh... im bugged

Dear Journal,

I've been afflicted with a bout of diarrhoea.

DeJh has been behaving as if he has feelings for me. I keep blowing him off. I'm not interested in him at all. I keep saying no to all his 'Lets go shopping' pleas and frankly, Im a little bugged.

Yesterday I went to meet NiJa and I told her about my buzzing in the ears feeling. She flagged it off as psychosis. Surprisingly yesterday I did not get the feeling. It's just my imagination! Why am I stuck in this space?

Yesterday DiPan and AsthAro also came home. It was fun!

I had a dream last to last night that Buro wants to eat the Muro (fish head) of a fish.

I dont remember any dream from last night. Now I'll sit and chant.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Eager for a breakthrough

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.15 pm

Journal 7 46 pm on 8.7.2026 a day well-tried

Dear Journal,

I woke up today at 10.08 am. Im really sleeping a lot! I dont know why. I dont remember my dream from the morning.

I tried switching on my laptop but it just wont come on. I hope the repair doesnt cost too much. I'm out of Applecare insurance. I need to reply to many mails.

I spent the day basically doing what I would call manifesting. I went down for a walk and walked for about half an hour.

I really want to quit smoking. It would save me a lot of trouble.

I spent the day feeling so much love in my heart it was unbelievable.

Ma and Pa and Buo have gone to the doctor because Ma is not feeling too well. And Melon is at home with me. I cant go down for a walk.

PZo told me he needs to discuss something with me but I dont want to be such good friends with him.

DeJh just messaged. I think I'll reply to him later. If only I could quit smoking.

I am feeling:

Happy

Solemn

Loving

I hope Ma recovers well from whatever is afflicting her.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.55 pm