Journal 11.09 pm on 31.8.2026 Im feeling highly irritable

Dear Journal,

I come home after work every Monday to find that Ma has gone into my private spaces and placed everything in my room in disarray. No amount of pleading with her can stop her. So despite feeling angry, despite getting irritated I have to bear this!!!!!!! SHE IS SO ANNOYING! i'm feeling so angry with her... I hate this side of her when she makes no amends for anyone... I actually hate it... I hate certain aspects of her especially her control freakiness.

I woke up in the morning close to 9. But I dont remember my dream.

Arun called me up a little after 12. I know he cheated on me and yet, for a long time I've been harbouring feelings for him.

But one thing he said today did it. I was just affectionately teasing him about his nose and he said YOUVE STARTED THIS AGAIN. This is his signature line. Just like Pa's is IM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

As I taught my students today I reflected a lot on Arun. I was getting sexual thoughts and then I realised that he doesnt want what I want to give him. So I might as well pour all this love into myself.

His harshness today brought me to tears and I dont want to spend my days crying over him.

Im not ready to date someone new. He doesnt want to address essential issues. And we havent met in months! So this leaves me alone and Im frankly happy with that. Because Arun's anger leads me to depression. I was feeling so depressed today.

Tomorrow I have the study meet. Ill just watch Renaissance now and live my life to the fullest.

I am feeling:

Irritable

Self loving

Happy

Iam grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings and mercy on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.27 pm

Journal 10.16 am on 31.8.2026 longing

Dear Journal, 

I go to sleep thinking about my cutestpie. And I wake up thinking about him.

I really miss him. I imagine being intimate with him. I love him.

May I not sabotage our bond.

I am feeling:

Happy

In love

Iam grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.18 am

Journal 11.41 pm on 30.8.2026 Im missing Arun inordinately

Dear Journal, 

May I have the wisdom to preserve the bond me and Arun share. I dont want any other man. I want him. I cant live without him.

Im so so so missing him.

I want to propose to him.

I dont want to be a mess.

Love,

Me.

11.43 pm

Journal 6.06 pm on 30.8.2026 What should I do?

Dear Journal,

Today Buro and Sadhya treated all of us to a fine dining experience at Que Sera Sera.

I can't get Arun out of my head! As I was thinking about Arun I had a deja vu, something I dreamt years before it actually happened.

Firstly, I have to stop keeping on blurting out I Love You to him. I should really let him be.

But... but... but... I dont think I want to let him go. I love him. I want him. I need him. I need his love.

I so so so miss him. So darned deeply. I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about him.

As I was sitting at lunch I realised that I looked so underdressed and I really havent been taking care of myself.

Arun... arun... arun... how you make me swoon!

I dont need to have the Arun dilemma sorted in my head just this moment. There will be a conclusion saga-- I hope it's in my favour.

Now I'll chant and meditate and prepare for tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Happy

Deeply in love

Full of love

Im crazy about Arun. But Im also upset with him.

I am grateful for all my infinite good fortune.

6.14 pm

Journal 30.8.2026 2.07 pm I love Arun

Dear Journal,

I went for the zadankai today and didnt listen to a word of what the others were saying. All I kept doing was thinking about Arun and his cute nose.

I'll never find anyone like him. I want him. I want to smell him. I want to taste him. I need to stop telling him that I still love him.

I think I'll get very depressed if we ever stop talking.

Right now Im with the family going to a cafe for lunch. I have a busy day ahead of me.

I am feeling:

Like Ive fallen in love deeply with Arun

Slightly sad

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

2.21 pm

Journal 10.18 am on 30.8.2026 I have a busy day

Dear Journal, 

I have a busy day ahead of me.

I saw a dream where my feet were dirty and I was cleaning them with water.

Now I have to go for the zadankai.

I will not sabotage my relationship with Arun. I'll be positive. I wont complain!

I am feeling:

Loving

Kind

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.21 am

Journal 3.57 pm on 29.8.2026 I will make the most of today

Dear Journal,

I will make the most of today!

I should not be happy with the crumbs that Arun throws me. Except once he has never ever apologised to me. He didnt wish me on my birthday. He insulted me in front of his friends. And he called me a rebound. He demeaned me.

It's exactly 4 pm. I dont know why I love him! Are the other guys around worse than him? I really want to meet some good quality men.

I woke up close to 1.30 in the afternoon today.

I just about a while ago chanted.

Today is one of the best days of my life.

Everytime I pray for money my heart feels physically broken. Why is that? It's exactly 4.04 pm.

I'll never forget that he told his friends in front of me: Mere paas char our ladkiyan hai. Par mai iske saath nahin rehta kyunki ye pagal hai. I'll never ever forget that! If he said that in front of me, he must have said far worse behind my back. I want to fight with him about it! I will not accept such insults!

I'm feeling so hurt at the moment.

Arun is a mean cruel sort of guy. Why on Earth did he make me fall in love with him? And why on Earth cant I get over him?

May be it's because Im such a kind soul and I keep him in my prayers.

Even though Im sexually attracted to Arun he may not be good for me.

Im at a crossroads in my heart.

I had a dream that I had a flight and it was delayed. Then it landed smoothly in the middle of the night. I saw Ma and Pa too.

Then I saw myself massaging Chumkimashis feet and she kept positioning herself upward on the mattress.

I saw Shivsankaran uncle making me message him and the letter D was prominent in my mind. And then I woke up.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Angry with Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

4.17 pm

Journal 1.43 pm on 29.8.2026 a dream of delays

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was waiting for someone to arrive by flight. But it got delayed. But the flight landed eventually.

I was then massaging Chumkimashis feet and she was completely relaxed.

I messaged Sivasankaran uncle. Was Arun in my dream? I dont remember.

My family was there in my dream.

Love,

Me.

1.46 pm

Journal 8.51 pm on 28.8.2026 another day has gone by

Dear Journal, 

Everytime I sit down to chant and as I pray for Arun I see him and that girl Rutuja being intimate in my mind's eye. I also feel they almost did it.

This is just my intuition and my intuition is never wrong.

I am feeling:

Happy

Heart hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.54 pm

Journal 11.04 am on 28.8.2026 I saw Arun

Dear Journal,

I saw Arun in my dream. His name was Raj in my dream. I have a few associations with that name but Ill let that rest.

My shonapie Arun.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.06 am

Journal 9.53 pm on 27.8.2026 Why?

Dear Journal,

I had finished my lunch and I was in my room. Then I heard Pa coughing virulently and I rushed out of my room to find him vomitting out all the food he has eaten. My cutest dad. This is the first time in my life that I saw him puking and I'm really worried.

Tomorrow is Rakhi. Ill have to buy rakhis for Buro.

I spent the entire day watching Tarot videos. The most popular Tarot readers on the web portray themselves as intuitively psychic. Even though I am intuitive that's something I'm unlikely to do.

PaPa messaged me today that he wants to meet. I told him that I'm busy working. 

Everytime I do something like this my mind goes to Arun who says he is always busy. Of course he has idle days watching movies and scrolling! But he doesnt want to talk to me.

Let me just give him the benefit of the doubt.

I did not bathe today. I did not chant today.

I had the most spectacular dream in the morning of cows, bulls and buffaloes. It was amazing!

I think I'll bathe and chant and watch Armaan's video and sleep.

I am feeling so positive and happy about my life at the moment.

All day long, literally all day long I thought about Arun's adorable nose. I love him. Stupid boy!

I am feeling:

Like bathing and oiling 

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.03 pm

Journal 12.44 am on 28.8.2026 the kind of life I want

Dear Journal, 

Ive been thinking about my future and the kind of life I want.

I want a regret free life where I fulfil all my responsibilities easily. I want to take care of my parents. I want love. I want Arun and I want Arun to be true to me and for our love to last over time.

I'm so happy that we are friends. When two people can be good friends they can be anything to each other.

I want Arun to be truthful with me. And in turn I promise him to be the most loyal and devoted girlfriend. I want Arun back in my life. I want to rekindle the romance.

I want my parents to be stress free, worry free, happy, healthy and prosperous. I want my parents to see me being successful while they are alive and I want them to live a long healthy happy life with good health and good fortune. I want to fulfil all my responsibilities towards my family and friends. 

I want a source of infinite money. May be a book Ive written to be a bestseller. I want something Ive created to give me infinite money.

I want a world where there is no poverty and people live in peace.

I never want to disappoint my loved ones.

I want to be stinking rich because I want to be generous and kind and give back to all those who have supported me. I want to create a legacy for my parents and my loved ones.

I want Buro and me to have a strong bond well into our old age.

I want to always be in love with Arun and I dont want anybody else. The feelings come and go. The intention is to love him devotedly. He deserves it. 

I want to be awarded and rewarded and I want to leave behind a legacy. I want to be remembered well after Ive passed.

I want my existence to mean that love is alive.

I want to take care of Arun into his old age.

I want to be Buro's greatest supporter.

I want to be wealthy and famous.

I want to make a difference to people's lives.

I want to be the eyes of society. I want to be the pillar of society. I want to be the great ship of society. I want to give hope and I want to serve humanity.

I want my story to be understood and I want love to be the force that drives my life.

I am feeling:

Happy

Clearheaded

I am grateful for God's infinite love,Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.05 am

I want the Nobel Prize for being an exemplary writer.

Journal 12.46 pm on 27.8.2026 I want to kiss and smell A

Dear Journal,

I so so so want to smell Arun. It's been an awfully long time since I smelled him. Im really missing his touch, missing his smell, missing how his beautiful skin feels. I want to taste him. I want him.

I woke up close to 11 from a dream where I saw multitudes of cows and a few bulls. Then I saw an island full of buffalos. What does this mean?

I am feeling:

Missing Arun inordinately 

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.51 pm

Ps: In my dream the cows were tilling farmland.

Journal 10.33 pm on 26.8.2026 I thought so many things today

Dear Journal,

Arun called me up before I went to meet SeeDhi today. We spoke for some 20 minutes. I didnt know till he told me that it was Onam today. I hope he had a good day. Muwaaah to him.

Sometimes I fantasize about him.

I told SeeDhi that everytime I think of letting Arun go I just cant sit and chant. She asked me: Let him go where? She said: He wont find anyone like you. You wont find anyone like him. So, she said, stop trying to let him go and dont give your relationship a label. She quoted Gulzar as she said that. She makes a good point. There is really no other Arun Divakaran and there is no other Doel Sengupta.

Today SeeDhi and me had a longish chat. We also studied. She was telling me about her husband and how she wrote him love letters when they were young and he was far away at sea.

Love is the most beautiful feeling. Ill never let my love for Arun die. And frankly, I dont think I want any other man. I want my obnoxious muffat Arun.

Frankly, with a subliminal sexual feeling I was feeling aggressive a little today. Ma said that she has plans to completely redo my room and that really blew my top. I got angry. Then after 8 I switched off the lights in my room and lay down in Shavasana to recalibrate this angry feeling I was feeling towards Ma. 

I also thought today that Im living a lifestyle that I individually cant afford. I eat the best meals, live in a fancy house with two servants. My father has kept me by his side with a lot of love. And I mustnt get angry with my parents. They really love me and I them.

Intuitively I know that I'm meant to live an uberly prosperous and extraordinary life. I just hope the money flows in sooner than later.

I am going to prove my wavy life line wrong!

I really wish I could call up Arun to ask him how Onam went for him today. But that's to presumptuous. Let me give him space.

I want Arun to choose me jhalli as I am. I so so so desire him. Cutestpie!

I want to bite his beautiful brown cheeks.

I will prepare my lectures tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Like smooching Arun

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.53 pm

Journal 11.34 am on 26.8.2026 Why is Arun not calling me up

Dear Journal,

Does Arun not want to talk to me? I will still keep in touch with him because he is one of the few people who understands me. But I'm feeling sad. He hasnt called me. Does he really believe I was just a rebound?

Im feeling so sad.

I had a dream that I was buying something really expensive. What does that mean?

I have to send Tanya the material to be printed today.

I am going to utilise this day to the best. I am going to eat my breakfast and chant. Then I have to meet SeeDhi.

I am feeling:

Empty

Alone

Sad that Arun hasnt called

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.41 am

Journal 9 pm on 25.8.2026 I feel so...

Dear Journal, 

What has really happened to me? If I have to put it simply I'm feeling so horny for Arun. Why is that? Does he think about me? Something has definitely shifted between the two of us. I wish I could see his cute shweet face. He is such a cute humanbeing. 

Then... I just dont feel like chanting when I think of praying to let Arun go. It seems like the Gohonzon wants me to wish him really really well.

Then come his timestamps. He hasn't checked whatsapp since 10 am. Why is that?

Im missing him so deeply. I adore this man so darned deeply. He means the world to me.

PaPa asked me to meet him today. I was skeptical. I thought if he hits on me I'll just give him a piece of my mind. But he told me that his parents have found him a nice girl and he is getting married in a few months. 

That is simply excellent for him! I'm so happy for him!

I want to talk to Arun. I want to hear his voice. I'm kind of singlemindedly thinking about him for a very long time now. I want to smell him. I want to see his cute face.

His photographs are so cute. He is so handsome. My charming ex boyfriend.

And at this point believe you me dear Journal I'm feeling so sexually charged towards him. I want him. I want to kiss him. I want to tell him I love him and I want him to know how much I love him. I hope these feelings dont end in disappointment.

I am feeling:

Like my heart belongs to Arun

So darned horny

So sexually charged after such a long time. In fact I've never felt this before.

Head over heels in love with Arun

Don't want to fight with Ma over my room

I think I'll meditate a little now, chant and sleep.

I spent the whole day watching Tarot videos.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.13 pm

Journal 2.50 pm on 25.8.2026 Im trying to get closure

Dear Journal,

DiPan came home. I so love her as a humanbeing. I told her about how I'm feeling so sexually aroused and so alone.

She told me that the next relationship in my life will be determined by what I do during this single phase.

I lamented on the low standard of men around me, how men chase me much to my chagrin.

And to prove my point PaPa kept calling up throughout the meeting.

As I was talking to DiPan I realised that I should not be foolish. Arun is married and he has roving eyes. If I pursue him I'll only get burnt. So it's imperative that I let him go. I'm the last person to chase him.

Anyhow we didnt really chant that much. And DiPan and me spoke about Buddha wisdom and common sense. How we are so averse to touch by the wrong men.

Things will work out in due time. I know that. I wont masturbate, I wont watch porn and I wont waste my time with the wrong men. I will protect my energy, hone myself while being Boddhisattva Never Disparaging. I wont let any man take advantage of me.

I'd rather be at home by myself than out with the wrong man. The last thing I want to be is desperate.

I'm an M Type woman. So I'll fill my days with creativity and it  will all work out despite my wavy life line. I'll prove my wavy life line wrong! I will prosper despite my wavy life line!

I am the eyes of society. I am the pillar of society. I am the great ship of society.

I forgive all those who have hurt me. I seek forgiveness from all those I've hurt. I forgive myself.

I am grateful for all the good fortune in my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships based on mutual respect and mutual trust.

I am grateful for the abundance of all good things in my life

I think if I pray to let go of Arun I'll be able to do that. So I'll let him go. So it's adieu to him. It's exactly 3.06 pm.

Nobody reads this Journal. Some day I'll pore through these pages and reminisce.

These are the best days of mylife and I cherish each person and each moment.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

I am feeling:

Sexual

Happy

Clearheaded

Grateful for my Buddhist practice.

Grateful for all my students and all my teachers.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

Love,

Me.

3.14 pm

Journal 1.11 pm on 25.8.2026 I need to get over A... I need to move on

Dear Journal,

I think I need to get my mind off my sexuality. PaPa has been pleading with me to go for a movie with him. I really dont want to do that.

DeJh has been requesting meeting him. I really dont want to do that.

I just want to be left alone. I just want my journal and my poetry.

If Arun doesnt want me it's no biggie. There are plenty of other guys. I just have to choose one.

The thing is that I know I wont be happy with just any guy. So I'll patiently wait till someone compatible comes along.

I just spoke to TAurad.

I know that I have a glorious prosperous future ahead of me. I know that the stars are blessing me with great success. But I want someone to really see me and be a part of my journey.

As I become successful I'll choose the guy who is most there for me.

I know that Arun was with some woman on the evening of my play. He kind of betrayed me. He told me that he doesnt love his wife and dated me and then he broke up with me and told everybody that he really loves his wife. But he will still deceive her and cheat on her. That is so pathetic!

How has PaPa resurfaced out of nowhere? And why? What does he want from me?

He reminds me of Shail. He looks just like him.

I don't think I want to kiss him.

Enough about that! Boys will come and go.

TAurad told me that she has got in touch with Tarini's parents. I really want Tarini to be happier and have a smooth journey as she becomes happier. I really love her. I don't want her to feel so troubled. I want my students to shine!

I want Dhyaan to respect himself. I want Rishaan to be grateful. I want my bacchas to shine gloriously.

There are so many friends to talk to as I'm going through this phase in my life. They are all struggling and God willing we will all succeed.

I will never reject a friend based on social status or money. But if a man (no matter who) crosses my boundaries i wont enetertain him anymore. Because I dont want to sleep around. I want to protect myself as there is no one else to protect me.

I want to make the right friends. I want good people to surround me.

DiPan will be here any moment.

I am feeling:

Happy

Logical

More positive than when I woke up.

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.31 pm

Journal 11.35 am on 25.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I was going back and forth in my dream over something. Then I saw Jethu and he wanted to marry me.

Jethu is in my mind a loving husband to Munima. He not only earned the bread and butter but also cooked and cleaned as a devoted husband and kept Munima in utter comfort. 

I woke up to messages from PaPa, DeJh and DiPan. DIPAN wanted me to go to her place but Ive invited her home. Hope she comes.

PaPa messaged after a long time and DeJh has been telling me about his struggles.

I woke up feeling that I must settle down. I just have to say Yes to a guy. I've never accepted anybody's proposal.

I kind of find DeJh annoying. He's kind of passive aggressive and manipulative.

I really want the path ahead to become clearer.

Today should be a good day.

I have to really attempt to move on from Arun.

I am feeling:

A sexual urge

Happy

Like a good girl

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.44 am.

Lack of respect

You have no respect for my boundaries,

You have no respect for my space, 

You have no respect for my choices,

And you anger me to agape.

Youve always called me ugly,

Youve been disrespectful and uncouth

And Ive had enough of you,

Youve scarred me and maimed me in my youth.

You complain to all and sundry, 

You are always bickering, lying and angry

And I dont trust you with my heart

As youve mutilated it on many bends.

You may be my mother, but you are not my friend

And this is The End.

Ill let you fly away

I'll let you fly away to what you think is greener,

I know you've lied and cheated me,

You've shown me insults and disrespect

And trampled on my boundaries. 

Now youll get painful silence from me

And nothing more, nothing less;

I'll wait for a companion to come my way,

Someone who respects my peace and rest.

I am feeling so angered 

That you didnt hold my heart

Or once glanced in to see

That my love was a blazing spark.

You'll rudely tell me you dont love me anymore

And that's not the The End of this lore.

Samsara

I'm feeling so bugged

Because you treat me like a rug

To be stamped on

And dirtied

For all your mysterious fantasies.

You have hurt my heart

All my blessed life

And I no more

Will let you walk all over me

Thinking there is a prize.

You have never shown me respect,

You barely talk to me

And in this moment

I find you so arrogant and irritating

As I am the Queen of bees.

I think I'll face this feeling,

I think I will let go,

How youve hurt me

You'll never know

But it's now time to let go.

Journal 11.23 pm on 14.8.2026 Im in a bad mood

Dear Journal, 

I came back rather late from class to find that my room has been turned upside down by Ma. I got furious. Why doesnt she respect my space and my peace?

She is so shongshari, stuck in a rut about her flaws. She doesnt want to be a better person. She doesnt want to grow.

Arun is exactly like that. He keeps defending his insulting behaviour. He doesnt want to grow. He doesnt want to be a better person.

And he didnt call me today. That's an insult in itself. He wants to walk away from me, Ill let him.

 Im feeling so irritated with Ma. She is constantly complaining. And she is constantly angry. I really pity her.

Arman's video will premier in about an hour. I'll watch that and go to sleep.

Ma and Arun dont care a damn about being more enlightened and that angers me and irritates me.

I had a great evening with my students. They are all such a jolly bunch.

Why am I irritated? Because my parents show no faith in me. In fact they keep complaining about me to each other and Buro.

I really dont want to be so alone.

I am feeling:

Angry

Sad 

Irritated

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.32 pm

Ps: These days when I get an unpleasant feeling I face it without trying to be more positive. I don't ignore my unhappy feelings.

I'm feeling so irritated and so angry about how my family treats me.

Noone talks to anyone in this house. And Ma is just trying to live her samsara and stepping onto everybody's toes with her anger. I hate this intrusive controlling side of her. She is not my friend. She is pure unpleasant. I hate this side of her. I wish she knew what a chill pill meant.

11.41 pm

Ps2: I think I'll change my prayers and really attempt to detach from Arun. He is not ready to meet me even a few steps.

Frankly, i'm feeling so angry with Ma. She doesnt show any respect for my boundaries.  She is uncouth and disrespectful. Not once did she tell me that she was going to clean my room. She plays favourites, and is judgmental and aggressive.

12.11 am

Journal 1.27 pm on 24.8.2026 feeling so sexual

Dear Journal,

I watched Moonlight's videos today. And am feeling oh so sexual.

It's after years that I feel I'm getting sexual thoughts.

I want Arun.

I have my lectures today. Hope they go well.

I am feeling:

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.29 pm

Journal 10.16 am on 24.8.2026 seeing Arun in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where Arun is hiding something from me and that is coming to light. What a dream!

I'm missing him.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

I am feeling:

Slightly sexual

Happy

Love,

Me.

10.18 am

Journal 3 pm on 23.8.2026 I'll be using you a lot today Journal

Dear Journal, 

It's exactly 3 pm and I just had my lunch and went down for a walk. I bumped into Marika, Farah's sister.

We started bantering and she said I don't look 41. They are looking for a place to stay as their building is going in for redevelopment.

We spoke about pregnancy and womanhood.

She is so sweet. She was talking about her dog and her marriage.

I'll be using you a lot today Journal. It's exactly 3.03 pm. I have tons of work to do. I wish I wasnt feeling so sexual. I wish I could do something about it.

I'm missing Arun, a lot sometimes and mildly sometimes. I love my A.

Now I'll just fish out my books and study. Oh first I'll chant.

It's a beautiful wonderful productive day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sensual 

I am wearing my brick red cotton world dress that Arun picked out for me.

Love,

Me.

3.07 pm

Journal 1.51 pm on 23.8.2026 it's all about the id ego and superego

Dear Journal,

I am experiencing such a sexual longing for Arun that I'm imagining conversations with him in my head.

And I feel that when Freud said that it's all about sexuality, it's all about the id ego and superego he made a very vital point.

So what am I craving for from Arun? To love him madly, to spoil him, to take him out on many dates when I pay for us, to buy him lots of gifts, to travel with him, to succeed with him, to give him all the joys of my love for him.

Now that I think about it this is a very selfless kind of view I have of our relationship.

From whatever Rabindranath Tagore has written I feel that you are as beautiful as you gracefully express your sexuality.

These are the things I imagine. I know that it is very difficult for me and Arun to have a future, to get married and all that. So my mind doesn't wander there.

My mind wanders to a hotel room in America where me and Arun are spending quality time, a trip that I totally pay for and to take him shopping and buy him whatever his heart desires, to spoil him with money and riches and luxuries, to kind of be the breadwinner in the relationship. Why do I feel that way? What does this mean?

I love Arun a lot. I've never loved anybody else as much or put myself out there for anybody else. It's exactly 2 pm.

When I've broken up with people before at some point I've just let that person go and cut off all contact. But with Arun, I want to keep him in my life, I truly genuinely, selflessly want him to succeed and when he is struggling I want to be able to provide him the succour to sustain.

I'm so happy I'm writing this post. I hope I'll be able to focus on my studies now and not keep thinking about Arun.

I am feeling:

Sexually aroused

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2.08 pm

Journal 12.54 pm on 23.8.2026 I feel the love

Dear Journal, 

I woke up with a great desire to kiss Arun. Sometimes (not right now) I feel a great longing for him.

My student came a few minutes later and I had a light lecture with him today. I even made him tea.

Then I changed my top and went to meet SeeDhi. SeeDhi has said this before even in front of people-- she says that I'm so pure and selfless and she really loves talking to me. She even compared me with Psha who she says is a little selfish.

Now I had the same first impression of Psha but my view of her has softened. She is doing her human revolution!

Once during a zadankai she called me a self-realised soul. It's exactly 1 pm.

Do I really give off such an exalted self-image?

Everyone is stuck in a rut with some problem or the other. It's about being appreciative and grateful. It's about looking at the brighter side of things. It's about loving and caring and sharing.

Today I will prepare well for my lecture tomorrow. It's going to be a good good day. Just 25 minutes. That's it. That's all I need.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love for Arun

A deep longing for him

Happy

Motivated

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.06 pm

Journal 3.26 pm on 22.8.2026 I really should stop talking

Dear Journal,

Ma has been fighting with me since yesterday and telling me that I'm getting too angry. But why is she so angry? Why is she so confrontational?

I'm feeling so sad. Arun didnt call me up. Why does he ignore me like this?

I called him at a reasonable hour yesterday. I didn't expect him to be sleeping.

I need to prepare for Monday's lecture. DiPan came home and she bought me the eg book after that. I have to pay her.

I wish I wasn't so alone. There is noone for me to talk to. 

Arun is so handsome. His photographs are sho cute. He is so charming. My charming ex-boyfriend who I'm finding hard to let go off.

I know that he has been with other girls. And I wonder if he is so bugged with me that he doesnt call or message.

I'm feeling really sad Journal. Really very sad. I dont want any other guy. Arun is perfect for me. I just want him.

I know if I call him up he will just break out into rage and fury. Because he doesnt want to talk to me.

Why do people have extramarital affairs these days? Why have relationships become so frivolous?

It's exactly 3.33. I havent eaten lunch yet.

I wish I could meet someone just each day. That would be the end of this lonely feeling.

I'm so grateful that DiPan came home.

I don't want to be slutty. And I want a guy who appreiciates the fact that I'm such a good girl.

I want a guy who feels that I'm such a good girl.

I could keep writing because there is not much else to do but prepare for my lectures.

I want Arun in my life. Why am I finding it so difficult to get over him? It's exactly 3.39.

I'm feeling so sexually aroused. Oh so sexual. Sexual towards Arun.

I am feeling:

Lonely

Sexually aroused

Slightly sad

Teary eyed

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3.42 pm

In the last three years

In the last three years

Youve gone to three

Different galaxies

With three different girls

And not one of them

But may be one

You thought

Was sweeter

Than a pearl. 

It's been a while

Since youve seen me

And you really feel ashamed

That on many different damsels

Your sustenance became rare. 

What do you want to discuss?

What do you want to say?

Do you really want to paint the town red?

This town we call Bombay.

Distances

The distances abound

Now that I am sound

And I remember the day

You discarded me by the bay

And now you want an entry

So let's ask the gentry

What I should really do

When there is so much distance

Between me and you.

Right now there is nothing

Except for some starry bling

But sweet words you want to expound

Now that I am sound.

space travel

You take me on a space trip, 

A really marvellous sojourn

And you have decided to keep me company

Whether we crash or burn.

The sustenance is not even a bite

But I'm glad I have you by my side;

It's really something when two hearts meet

As spacy distances show what you need.

I feel like entering one of the galaxies

And earn the bread and butter and have us feed.

Journal 10.04 am on 22.8.2026 a dream of space travel

Dear Journal, 

I had a dream that someone I know (could be Nai, could be Arun) is a space traveller and has travelled to three different galaxies in the last three years.

That person takes me to space and we see a giant empty tiffin box there. Then I woke up.

I woke up feeling Nai was so handsome.

About Arun-- I really shouldnt call him up so much. It's just that I feel so alone that I want to keep in touch with him. And then, of course, there are the feelings.

It's been a while since we broke up.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable. It's exactly 10.10.

I think I'll take the mat down and chant. Or I'll chant here at home.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love, 

Me.

10.12 am

Ps: I went down to buy cigarettes. Everytime I get out the rich poor divide stares at me in the face. I bumped into RaTi downstairs.

10.42 am

Journal 11.49 pm on 21.8.2026 sexual urge

Dear Journal, 

The sexual urge is a human need and for the first time I'm so alone that I notice it. It's distracting,  it's overbearing and overwhelming. And the only person I think about when I feel sexual is Arun.

I called him today. He said he was sleeping. He doesn't check his messages for dozens of hours altogether.

And may be he doesn't feel so exclusively about me because he doesn't call, doesnt message, doesnt reply to messages.

There has to be a good logical conclusion to my urge. I am not going to masturbate.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

Love,

Me.

11.54 pm

Journal 7.05 pm on 21.8.2026 DeJh has stopped messaging/calling

Dear Journal,

The whole day has whooshed by and Arun is on my mind. He doesnt call me up, he doesnt message back. How do I move on?

If I stop messaging or calling him I'll experience a lot of pain. He didnt wish me on my birthday this year. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that he went out with another girl on his 2024 birthday and lied to me.

I'll never forget how he broke and shattered my heart to pieces many many times.

I'll never forget how he doesn't message or call and just ignores me.

Why am I feeling such a surge of love for him? What has shifted? What has changed?

On the other hand I told DeJh the last time we spoke that he makes me really uncomfortable with his affections. And he has stopped calling and messaging. And I'm so relieved. Phew!

There is this other guy who I read Tarot cards for once who keeps calling and messaging asking to meet. I think he's a cop or something if I'm not mistaken. His attention is not welcome too.

Should I make the painful attempt to get over Arun? He is sure making that attempt!

Should I not call him or message him.

What should I do?

I am feeling:

So deeply in love with Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.16 pm

I want you

Last night I slept very deep

And dreamt many dreams in my sleep,

I woke up nearly blind 

With white light piercing my eyes.

I dont remember the images 

But I know your montages

Were part of the show.

I miss you, I love you--

That you must surely know.

With one foot crippled I walk around

Wondering if you'll have me

Even when I'm not wholly sound.

It's been a while since I've smelled your sweat

And just the thought of you

Flushes me all red.

It's been a while since I've tasted your tongue

So please have me

Because yet now I am young.

I miss looking into your eyes,

I miss your chatter but for one lie.

I love you devotedly,  loyally,

I want us back.

Please choose me

Over all those racks!

Journal 12.55 pm on 21.8.2026 embarrassed

Dear Journal,

If Arun were to read my letter I'd be highly embarrassed. Because he has shown just no signs of interest. In fact he has been rude. He doesnt call, he doesnt reply to my messages. And he is hankering around with his many women.

I'm feeling a strange kind of aloneness these days. Someone should fill that void.

Today I will study. Today I will chant. Today I'll smoke lesser.

I am feeling:

Placid

Happy

Heart hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Whatever you seek from life life gives you.

Remembering my trip to Fatehpur Sikri. 

Love,

Me.

1.00 pm

Journal 11.01 am on 21.8.2026 I dont remember my dream

Dear Journal,

There is a heaviness in my heart. Yesterday I was feeling oh so light and oh so in love with Arun. I miss him.

I dont remember my dream from the morning. I wish I did.

I havent chanted properly in 2 days.

Im writing this in the garden on my yoga mat. Now I'll chant.

I'm feeling the pangs of loneliness. Arun doesn't reply to my messages. Why does he do that?

The birds they are a trilling about me. And it's a glorious day.

I am feeling:

Heart heavy and hurt

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.06 am

Letter to Arun 7.02 pm on 20.8.2026

Dearest cutest shweetest most precious Arun,

I am writing this letter that you will never read. But I have to write it to process my own feelings for you.

I think I've fallen head over heels in love with you all over again.

It's been a while since I've seen your oh so mishti face. I don't know how or why my feelings got so much the deeper.

I believe emotions are energy and you can sense shifts in energy. Has anything shifted for you in the past few months?

I had a few dreams with you in it and believe me I've never felt more in love with you. The love song I wrote for you keeps playing in my head. Do you ever listen to it?

Btw I'm sure you saw my videos on Facebook. I've shot quite a lot of them just for timepass. My friends asked me to take them down but I didn't. It's a sign that I did this. And I don't want to hide anything from you.

I love you. I don't want to discuss other men with you. But let's just say every man I meet at some point doles out the affections and I don't want that from any man but you.

What makes you so special, so unique, sometimes I wonder. And my mind goes to the fun fellatio behind my dad's car when we first started going out. But it's not just that, you know sweety. I'd do that for you anyday, anytime over any other guy.

I don't want any other man. I want you. And I'm prepared to risk loneliness which is something I'm already doing.

Btw when I was telling you about my student Tarini, you said may be she is seeking attention and I should let a professional take over and do the work.

But shona emotional issues should not just be directed to a professional. I really feel that way. As her teacher I'm concerned and it's my responsibility to create a safe emotional space for her and many like her.

I love children. But I haven't had any of my own. I believe that the greatest impact you can create on a person is during their childhood. Frankly, it's a privilege to teach my students. What do you think about that? And what do you think about me these days?

Does me being affectionate annoy you? Because you are quite the wuss of tantrums when you are bugged :).

I want to meet you. But I'm not going to suggest it because the last time we met you were quite rude through the evening and you called me a rebound. And that really hurt me.

Are you seeing someone? Please don't Arun. Choose me over other girls, please. Because no one will love you so uniquely, in such Doel style but me.

I feel like writing and singing a few more songs for you but I don't want to be clingy or want you to feel uncomfortable. Because I don't know what you think about me these days.

Please dont tell me you've given up on me. I don't know where I stand in your life these days. Do let me know.

I love you. I love you maximum.

I might just write a few songs without sending them to you.

The love feels different this time. It feels like regular Doel loves regular Arun, a common man, and is prepared to face any odds to keep him in her life.

I love all of you, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the ugly and the beautiful-- my shonapie! Muwaaaah! Chumma!

Love,

Doel.

No tiff more beautiful

I'm sitting perched upon a cliff

And to you that don't make no diff;

I give you a pleasant fortune call

And you are sweet as heaven having a ball.

The forests are just a leap away

With magical creatures outside the snare

And I am slightly scared, slightly worried

At the peace they bring me unhurried.

And much sooner I make it to the ground

In this earthly place in Matheran

And there out of all dangers earlier met

I find you waiting for me with sorbet. 

And truly we could go to the park called Corbett

And sneak in love after a lover's tiff.

Journal 2.50 pm on 20.8.2026 who am I kidding?

Dear Journal,

I wake up with thoughts about Arun. All day long he sits in my mind rent free. Who am I kidding? I'm terrible at being just friends with him. I want to be in a relationship with him.

I fantasize about him-- imagine kissing his nose. I love him so darned deeply. And I want just him-- nobody else.

But I dont think he is in the same place as me. He doesnt call me. Doesnt say he misses me.

I think... I think... I never lied when I told him that I love him more. I want to make love to him. I really do. That's one of my deepest desires.

Yesterday my cigarette guy flagged me off and said that I'm smoking too many cigarettes and I should try to cut it down to just one after every meal. That's a good idea!

And everytime I miss Arun I have the song I wrote for him playing in my head... on loop.

Arun is sho cute. He is sho shweet. He is such an avoidant. I want my Arun back!!!! That would just make my life!

He has the capacity to be really rude and mean and cruel.

I am feeling:

So deeply in love with Arun.

Eager to make the most of today.

Happy

Loving

Daydreamy

Lazy

Concerned

How busy is he really?

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

3.00 pm

Journal 11.20 am on 20.8.2026 seeing a leopard in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw myself sitting on a high place in Matheran. I saw a locale that I have oft seen in my dreams.

And a forested area not far away where there is a leopard that is very mildmannered.

I get off from the high place and get on to Ground Zero but I think I could have and I should have gone from my high place to the high forested area.

I saw Ma in my dream. She was the one who urged me to sit on high.

I am going down to do yoga. I woke at 11 today.

I am feeling:

Happy

Mildly missing Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.25 am

Ps: I also saw in my dream that I'd called up Aman K and he was really sweet to me over the phone.

I'm really missing Arun now. I really really really love my A.

12.04pm

Nettle

The nettle on the runway piked

And that left me oh so psyched. 

It's been ages since I saw your face

As with thoughts of you my heart does race.

Your sweat smells like golden dew

And I subliminally pick up the cues

That you are very near, not far away

And saying that I seize the day.

Journal 10.43 pm on 19.8.2026 Ive been thinking a lot about Arun

Dear Journal,

I messaged Arun and he called me up in the evening. I really really really want to smell his nose and kiss his nose. I find him so delectable and so attractive. I feel like Ive fallen in love with him once again. I dont know what triggered these feelings! I havent even seen him in a long time. May be distance does make the heart grow fonder.

Everytime I feel sexually aroused all I think about is him. No other man comes to mind. I find him so attractive! And I feel so loyal towards him. It's almost like sometimes I pine for him as I'm building my life.

He thought I was teaching online. But I'm not. I love my shonapie Arun like so friggin deeply... what should I do with these feelings?

I spent the whole day looking for some Renaissance videos but none were available.

I corrected Kshirja's paper. And just spent time on my phone today.

Pa has bought himself new tennis shoes. I love my parents. Ma said something annoying today about cleaning my bathroom. Really I wish she wasnt so shongshari. I wish she just took a chill pill and let things be. The last thing she is is cool!

SaSo messaged me today, saying that he wants to meet me. He is such an orthodox Jewish guy. Since he'll be vegetarian because he is kosher I think we will go to ARC.

I wish Arun would want to meet me. My cutest Arun. The colour of his skin is so deep, and his sweat smells royal and he is so darned intelligent! I love him!

I am feeling:

Deeply in love

Well rested

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the people I work with across the three existences.

I did not chant today. I didnt do yoga.

Love,

Me.

10.58 pm

No tree can reach till heaven unless its roots reach down till hell -- Carl Jung

Journal 11.55 am on 19.8.2026 so much missing

Dear Journal,

I remember seeing a dream but I dont remember the dream.

I woke up feeling such a longing to kiss Arun. I really miss him inordinately. I miss him maximum.

It'll be really presumptuous to give him a call. It's been a while since I smelled him.

Now I have to correct Kshiraja's paper.

I am feeling:

Oh so sexually aroused by the thought of A

Missing A a lot

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.00 pm

Journal 11.31 pm on 18.8.2026 self fulfilling expectations

Dear Journal,

Most of life is uncertain. We make a lot of assumptions in life about our future which is unpredictable. 

At the end of last year or early this year I had written about my expectations from this year. I think most of it has come to pass.

Today I spoke with AAlam and had meetings with SeeDhi and TAurad.

If we just focus on the doable and show up in life, life is manageable and not overwhelming.

With learning to say No we should also learn to say Yes to the right things.

Like my students. I never feel that I'm prepared enough! But when I see their faces each Monday my heart literally melts. They warm my soul.

Today SeeDhi said something very beautiful. What she said was: IF WE ARE SINCERE AND COMMITTED TO OUR PURPOSE WE WILL SUCCEED. That is right. I dont give so much credence to sincerity but that's all it takes to be successful. She is right.

Everytime I've succeeded it's when work didn't feel like work and the more I did it, the better it felt.

So every now and then I think I'll review my expectations.

SeeDhi keeps telling me to find someone and settle down. I'm not an average girl and it would take somebody phenomenal for me to commit like that.

Ma just came back from a movie.

It's 11.44 exact.

My expectations:

I expect that Metamorph wont let me go and I'll end up working there way way way longer than I expect.

I expect that I will meet people who will respect my boundaries around sexual exploitation.

I expect to have a lifelong relationship with TAurad and my students.

I expect my financial woes to get over by the end of this year.

I expect to make many beautiful friends in life.

I expect that Arun will stay in my life and will be a seminal part of my emotional story and emotional growth. 

I expect 2027 to be a blockbuster year for me in every way.

I expect good fortune and good health for me and my loved ones. 

I expect to never stop praying and to always chant.

I expect life to get more beautiful with each passing day.

I expect to form unbreakable bonds with my students and really inspire them.

I expect life to become phenomenal.

I am feeling:

A chilly chicken craving

Happy for Arun. May he always succeed.

Hungry 

Positive

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Expect the unexpected.  Expect the world for yourself.  Forgive from the deepest core of your being. And love unapologetically. Expect something awesome to happen everyday and it will.

Love,

Me.

12.00 am

Journal 5.51 pm on 18.8.2026 what cost me

Dear Journal,

I was reading how rejecting Harvey Weinstein and people like him cost senior actresses their careers.

I know that people like ShuBha, Ssk, sk, PraNag, AnkGau, SahSe, AnkMi, ShuTi and many men may have sullied my reputation. Now there is RaTi. He has been calling me up almost everyday. And today I just ignored his calls!

It's not just that. There is also of course my health. But I feel trapped in a corner. If I get out of this corner and mingle with men I feel that I will have to circumvent a lot of toxicity.

I am not going to sleep around.

I've been in toxic relationships. And that does not feel good. Even Arun was toxic in a way but for a huge amount of time he treated me with respect and I'll never forget that.

What kind of people treat their bodies like commodities? May be people who are deeply scarred, deeply hurt, deeply lonely....

I've been scarred, hurt and I've never felt more lonely in my life. And that has caused me to go into this coccoon from where I will have to fly out at some point, a glorious butterfly.

My students could have been my children! Yesterday I was telling the Grade 8 batch about relationships at my age. I don't think they understood. And I didn't harp on it too much because I didn't want to be flagged off for speaking the inappropriate.

Out of the Grade 8 batch Anora is the most intelligent. Kyra is bubbly and cute. Danika is so naughty and giggly. And Lakshit! He is a sample piece.

I'm quite enjoying teaching. 

To a much much much better tomorrow!

I am feeling:

Happy

Solemn

Very present

Well rested

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

6.10 pm

Journal 1.36 pm on 18.8.2026 missing Arun

Dear Journal,

I woke up well after 11 today. I was so darned sleepy. I don't even remember my dream.

I woke up feeling so much love for Arun. I feel like kissing his nose.

I missed meetings with TAurad and SeeDhi. RaTi and AAlam called but I missed their calls on purpose. I definitely don't want to talk to RaTi. And I dont know what Aalam wants from me. He messaged me that he has quit his job. May be he wants a Tarot reading.

I really miss Arun a lot.

I think I'll go down and get some yoga done.

I have to meet TAurad at 5 and SeeDhi at 7 now.

I wish I had remembered my dream.

I am feeling:

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love, 

Me.

1.42 pm

Journal 11.25 pm on 17.8.2026 the Arun song keeps playing in my head

Dear Journal, 

The song I wrote for Arun keeps playing in my head. I hope he is fine.

I taught my students today. The day just whooshed by. I didnt really feel like going today and I took a rickshaw back and forth.

I am here to serve my students to my best possible ability. I'm so happy that I faced the day.

Tarini says things like she wants to die. Dhyaan is rebellious. And I bought Rishaan a samosa pav today.

I love my students. I love children. I love the youth. As my students tell me tales from their lives I also regale them with stories from my life.

Today with the Grade 8 batch we discussed strict parents and I felt that I grew up with a pretty angry mother. She has scarred me with violence and hurtful words unfiltered.

Life is really about taking that leap of faith.

I came back home and finished an Armaan video in which he said if you live in the present pretending that something awesome is about to happen great things unfold. He spoke about having a positive mindset and living in the here and now. He is quite the charming.

I miss Arun a lot. I hope life is treating him kindly. He is so much like Ma with his harsh treatment and harsh words.

And I really wish Ma had a far gentler personality. Her anger precedes her reputation.

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly resentful

Awake and bright

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.39 pm

Journal 9.49 am on 17.8.2026 a dream of an exam

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I aced an exam with the highest marks and was helping other people crack the exam well after my results.

I saw people I was helping.

I woke up rather late today and have to prepare Shakespeare.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.52 am

Journal 10.57 pm on 16.8.2026 Buos house

Dear Journal,

Me and Ma went to Buo's house today to take care of the dog and the cat. Then Sadhya came home.

I was telling Ma and Sadhya about how I'm feeling so lonely and about my interaction with RaTi yesterday. 

The truth is that I miss Arun. He really understood me.

Except Shakespeare all my lesson plans are prepared for tomorrow. I'll plan shakespeare tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Happy

Bright and alert after 5 cloud 9s

Loving towards Arun

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.03 pm

Journal 2.12 pm on 16.8.2026

Dear Journal,

I woke up close to 10 from a dream I dont remember. I think I saw Arun in my dream.

Then I had an insatiable desire to hear his voice. So I left him messages. And then I called him up because he didnt check those messages.

He is shoo cute, shoo shweet, such a good boy... I love him.

I need to prepare for tomorrow's class.

Idling around just wont do.

I had contained smoking quite a bit and again I'm smoking tons of cigarettes.

DeJh left me some messages on active imagination. I don't quite trust him.

Also, RaTi called but I didnt take his call. I let it remain missed.

I'm really missing Arun a lot these days.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Love,

Me.

2.18 pm

Journal 9.40 pm on 15.8.2026 a record number of entries

Dear Journal, 

Today Ive probably filled you with the maximum entries.

I'm feeling so alone and so empty. I have nobody to talk to. I don't want to talk to DeJh because he is too affectionate. RaTi pissed me off today. And Arun doesn't talk to me that much anymore.

I feel like I'm on an island abandoned with crowds around me but not a soul to talk to. Loneliness is a real thing-- it's a real problem.

I'm sitting downstairs writing this. I'll go home and chant and study.

I am feeling:

Happy

Lonely

Quiet

Desolate

Solemn

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.45 pm

Journal 4.41 pm on 15.8.2026 Ive made myself clear

Dear Journal,

I messaged both RaTi and DeJh that I'm not interested in them. DeJh became defensive and RaTi apologised.

I don't buy the Rajneesh philosophy of free sex.

I don't want so much attention from men. I told Pa that and he said that I'm roaming around in short clothes, smoking cigarettes, of course people get the wrong impression!

I love my dad. He's such a rockstar guy!

Also I really hope Arun is fine.

I am feeling:

Happy

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

4.52 pm

Journal 2.45 pm on 15.8.2026 I didnt understand

Dear Journal,

RaTi called me a while ago. I went down to meet him. He was with his son.

I think... I think... out of all the things he told me, he propositioned me. That is what I understood. He spoke about two families and what not.

I think I'll keep my distance from him. I don't like this kind of attention from men.

I'm wearing my short pink dress. I think I'll change into something more decent.

I'll chant now, then study. I don't have so much time to think about men and sex.

DeJh sent me long messages about his dream in the morning.

I am sexually very conservative even though I wear short clothes. And frankly, I don't like this sexual attention from men.

I love my parents.

I really want to quit smoking.

Me and RaTi each had a cold coffee from Cat Cafe.

Then I came home and had pabda jhol.

I think I'll take my yoga mat and spend some time in Nature.

RaTi just called asking if I felt bad or something. Now what do I tell him? I'm not interested in him! I seek independence! I don't want any man chasing me like this.

I really miss talking to Arun. I really miss Arun.

I am feeling:

Boundary-crossed

Slightly irritated

Eager to have a good day

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my teachers and students.

I am not grateful for what RaTi told me today or how many men look at me.

I am grateful for loving relationships of mutual love, mutual trust and mutual respect.

I am grateful for the garden where I am going to go do yoga now.

What is inside my heart reflects in the environment.

I don't trust men like RaTi.

Arun and I never had sex. I can't sleep around. I really can't!

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life and the lives of my loved ones.

Love,

Me.

3.10 pm

Journal 1.37 pm on 15.8.2026 employability has never been tougher

Dear Journal,

I truly understand the pains of the youth. The past three years have been super tough employment wise.

Personally, my mental health has not always supported me. More broadly, I would blame artificial intelligence. Job hunting has never been tougher!

Before 2023 I always found work easily and have even clocked in a record of over 25 job offers from top companies in a month when I quit journalism. That too without sending my resume!

Cut back to today, the scene is tougher, way tougher!

It's not just India that is bearing the brunt.

I have my teaching assignments and Tarot work. And these Tarot portals are including AI in their reader database.

For someone like Arun or even DeJh I think I paint a loser portrait. I don't know how easy or difficult work is for Arun but DeJh tells me that he is finding it quite tough. It's 1.44 pm.

Once my laptop is up and running I'll start my Tarot channel again. Now onward to study!

I am feeling:

Hummy

Happy

Loving

A bit too yellow

I am grateful for God's bountiful blessings upon me and my loved ones.

Love,

Me.

1.48 pm

Journal 12.27 pm on 15.8.2026 I believe in karma

Dear Journal,

I believe in karma. I believe that I'm facing the retribution of all my mistakes.

Today I was talking to Badal's mom and she started spilling all the details on the feud in her family. They are a little jhograte.

I am going to chant and study today. First to bathe and onward I go!

I distinctly remember seeing Arun in my dream but I dont remember the dream.

I think in my dream I was being talked about in groups that I had left.

I am feeling:

Happy

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.35 pm

Journal 10.42 am on 15.8.2026 hazy dream I dont remember

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream. I cant remember it. What I can remember is imagining Arun telling his friend that she has the most beautiful eyes in the whole world.

It's independence day today-- a day when I take a vow to be truly independent.

I chanted for about 10 minutes. There is a flag hoisting ceremony in the building.

I woke up to messages from DeJh about a dream he had.

I have to prepare for my lectures today.

I hope to have a great day!

I am feeling:

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

10.48 am

Journal 10.36 pm on 14.8.2026 The kind of guy I want

Dear Journal,

I've never done anything of this sort before but now I'd like to. I've come of age and gone way past it. And I want to list characteristics I want in a guy.

. Someone who is well-read and knows good English

. Someone who is kind and compassionate and generous

. Someone who is a good conversationalist

.someone who is tall and handsome

. Someone who finds me beautiful

. Someone who chooses me unhesitatingly over other girls.

. Someone who doesnt compare me to other girls

. Someone who is intelligent and creative

. Someone who has a keen interest in art and culture

. Someone who accepts me as I am

. Someone who loves me deeply

. Someone who forgives my flaws

. Someone who is ambitious, someone who harbours dreams

. Someone who is interesting and is interested in me

. Someone who wants to work with me and build something with me

. Someone who is sweet and sensitive

. Someone who is emotional

. Someone who is interested in art and culture

. Someone who is not sexually promiscuous 

. Someone who is sexually conservative

. Someone who doesnt weigh options

. Someone who respects me

. Someone who accepts me after a fight

. Someone who is polite

. Someone who apologises

. Someone who is like-minded

. Someone who wants to build something with me

. Someone I can work with and someone who is interested in my work

. Someone who chooses me without a doubt

. And last but not the least-- someone who loves me unconditionally and deeply

Love,

Me.

10.42 pm

Journal 9.17 pm on 14.8.2026 Pa also has ulcers

Dear Journal,

I am so happy that both Ma and Pa have benign ulcers and nothing more. There is a particular bacteria which is positive for both. Pa also has a slightly fatty liver.

The visit to the hospital comes with its forebodings.

Today I realised how cash-strapped I really am. And how alone.

I want to be with someone with whom I can work. I don't want someone like SK who literally took advantage of me. And I don't want someone like Arun who even though like-minded harboured secrets, kept himself detached and didn't involve me in his work.

I want to work with the person I end up with just the way Cmashi and Boolmesho work together, or PSha and her boyfriend or Q and his girlfriend or RAurad and TAurad.

Couples who do business together or work together are far closer and have more to talk about and discuss.

I quite like Toral. She has a great personality.

DeJh sent me many messages today. I don't quite like him too much. He is so clingy.

I don't know if I'll ever get married. I want someone to talk to, someone to discuss my thoughts with, somebody to love apropos Queen-- I want to find somebody to love.

I feel so alone and desolate and so cash-strapped and so forlorn.

Even though dating Arun was passionate I didn't really work with him and that accounted for a lot of wasted time. I wasted hours in bars with him discussing his life mostly.

Then in the end he told everybody that he really loves his wife. I don't know why he didn't tell me that.

Joshomashi saw his horoscope and told me that he has a tendency to be cruel.

Tomorrow I will study.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt

Loving

Happy

Bright

Alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

9.34 pm

Journal 2.31 pm on 14.8.2026 not so nervous but scared

Dear Journal,

Today I woke up around 10 am, quickly had a bath and went to meet DiPan.

DiPan was just finishing her breakfast when I reached. I registered for the examination and we chatted.

DiPan has been battling what she calls health karma. But more than that what's visible and what I've been praying for her is her financial karma. Does she eat properly each day? Is she well nourished? She has her cats who are oh so cute!

I've been feeling a lot of pyaar towards Arun lately. I can imagine myself smelling his cheeks. I postponed the meeting with Tejal for tomorrow because of Pa's colonoscopy.

I'm not so nervous about Pa's procedure but I'm scared. I really want his reports to come clean.

I don't remember my dream from the morning but I remember waking up all wet and bleeding.

I've been really enjoying sleeping in late.

Now I'll sit and chant. We will be leaving for the hospital soon.

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change-- Max Planck.

I hope my Arun is doing well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Hummy since yesterday

So so soooo loving

I wish there was someone to love.

I am wearing my sky blue lace top with Buro's cut brown trousers. It's exactly 2.44 pm.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

2.44 pm

Journal 8.56 pm on 13.8.2026 Dadu's birthday went by

Dear Journal,

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change-- Max Planck.

Today just whooshed by. Tomorrow I have to accompany Pa to the hospital; he has his colonoscopy.

I watched one reel today and the day just flew by me. I woke up really really late too.

It was Dadu's birthday on the 8th, but nobody mentioned it.

I sometimes wonder at A's busyness. Is he really so busy or does he say that to avoid me? He must be busy. It's exactly 9.00 pm.

All these food reels have my mouth watering.

I didn't really get much done today. I was supposed to meet Psha but she cancelled last minute. I chanted though. I'll spend some more time chanting now.

There is a sense of agency in praying; a sense of you have a role to play in your circumstances.

I'll go to sleep by 11 today.

I am feeling:

Bright

Awake

Happy

Serious

Loving

Oh yes! The reason I spent so much time on my phone today was because I got that strange ringing ears feeling again-- the feeling that says I need more comfort... it's accompanied with a sexual urge and since I don't have anyone it accentuates my loneliness.

Pa is on a fast before his colonoscopy. So I'll just have my soup, take my medicines, chant and crash.

I have to prepare my lessons.

Tomorrow is going to be a good good day. I hope Pa's reports come clean.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Journal 1.02 pm on 13.8.2026 a hazy dream and waking up late

Dear Journal,

I woke up well after 12 today.

I remember showing someone (perhaps Arun) my digipin for postal services.

Then I saw myself checking something and thinking the word 'poor' in my dream.

I don't want to be poor. I don't want my dreams showing such things.

Today I will study. Today I will make the most of today.

I am feeling:

Well rested

Happy

Loving

Eager to not smoke today

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

1.06 pm

Wonder of wonders

By Doel Sengupta

I have wandered unbidden

Into a forest of my thoughts,

Ofttimes relaxing of ideas

Not fully wrought.

I decide on a little journey

I must take on my own,

And my strength comes calling,

Following me to the crown.

My responsibilities 

Want to join me

On this very romantic sojourn

And I walk through the corridors

Of once held powers.

It's dark and I can't see

But the green light,

It favours me

As I behold

That majestic beauty 

Everlastingly finally.

The clock is ticking fast

And this time will not last

And I give you morsels

While I take a few

And we are working

Looking oh so cute!

And I'm back home once again

Having showered

In the rain

But what can

Neatly be bought 

Is clearer than a dot.

Journal 9.00 pm on 12.8.2026 how do I OVERTHINK everything?

Dear Journal,

The whole day... and I mean THE WHOLE DAYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! was spent on ChatGpt. How and why and wherefrom did I get so much patience to discuss my life with OpenAI?

Also, I really should be able to move on from Arun. My heart just can't let him go.

I analysed my journal inside out today, my recent dreams, symbols, life and I am tired.

I havent chanted in two days, my laptop needs fixing, I need to prepare lessons... there is so much to do!!!!!!!!!!

May be I shouldnt message or call Arun. I'm sure he's moved on. He may have found someone else.

On the other hand, DeJh sent me many long emotional messages. I really don't want his attention. It's not welcome. He is so girly.

I hope to not smoke any cigarettes tomorrow.

I am feeling:

Bored

Happy

Tired

Dissatisfied

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Life is a kalpavriksh. You get everything you ask of it. All you imagine, all you foresee comes to pass.

Love,

Me.

9.09 pm

Journal 12.17 pm on 12.8.2026 feeding someone

Dear Journal,

I thought I saw Pa in my dream but he looked more like Salman Afroze or Arun. There was a sense of keeping time in the dream as there was a clock.

I am working on something on a machine and feeding Pa at the same time-- one bite for him and one bite for me.

Then I hand over the machine to Pa and keep feeding him as he is working-- with my hands to his mouth.

Then I woke up.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Dirty and grimy (will have a bath)

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

12.22 pm

Journal 7.31 pm on 11.8.2026 Love

Dear Journal,

Ma and Pa have gone to meet Aherrao. They are taking a lot of time. Hope everything is alright. Ma was in a lot of pain yesterday and she slept all day. She says she is better today.

I woke up well after 10 today after a dream where I saw that I wanted to visit the Taj Mahal alone. I think Ma comes following me in the dream. Ryllee and Pyaal want to join.

On my way I think of calling up SaW but I don't.

In the dream I walk through the hallways of the Taj alone with other people visiting in the middle of the night. And then I come home and then I wake up.

I almost very soon had a meeting with TAurad.

She is supportive and I'm very grateful for that. We planned the lessons for next week.

After that I did not bathe. All day was spent on the phone. I ate lunch in the middle.

What I learnt today was that even a small effort goes a long long way. And that endless rumination won't get me anywhere.

I even checked my mental health quotient on a scale from -200 to 200 and mine was 68.

I'm so happy that NiJa doesn't message me anymore to meet her.

I think I'll read now and chant.

Hope Ma and Pa come home soon.

I am feeling:

Happy

It's a wet wet day. It poured all day.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

7.41 pm

JOURNAL 11.49 am on 11.8.2026 a dream of Taj Mahal

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was visiting the Taj Mahal all by myself. Ryllee and Pyaal were there. They wanted to join me. And I go into the Taj Mahal and out... and the dream is very hazy.

I woke up in the morning well after 10. I had a meeting with Tejal and here I am.

I think I'll clean my room, chant and get on with this day.

I am feeling:

Serious

Happy

Loving

A little worried about my students

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.55 am

Journal 11.12 pm on 10.8.2026 kda

Dear Journal,

Yesterday Kda had a disgusted startled look on his face throughout the party. I hope everything is fine with him.

I managed to teach Shakespeare today. The fle students didnt come. I taught the esl students and the grade 8 igcse too.

I felt so lazy today.

I have a meeting with Tejal tomorrow.

My students are so naughty!

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

11.15 pm

Journal 7.58 am on 10.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I had my student. I taught him the igcse syllabus. It's exactly 8 am.

Then we went to Munima's house. I wore my pink and golden dress.

The food was yum. I chatted with everyone. It was lovely.

I came back home and puked like I normally do when I have acidity. And I went to meet Smita who was telling me about her manifestation workshop.

Joshomashi messaged that A and I are highly compatible but that he is so old. I should not have told her anything.

Now I'll prepare Shakespeare. I'll just go down for a short walk. It's going to be a good good day.

I saw a dream where people who are really evil are dying. That people are born evil or saintly. That I have magical powers and am famous.

Then I saw myself opening the 6o4 bedroom door and Pa sleeping.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

8.08 am

Journal 5.36 pm on 8.8.2026 spoke to Arun

Dear Journal,

ChatGpt calls Arun my love of a lifetime and rightly so. I messaged him today and he called. I feel so happy talking to him. I really really love him.

I'm in the garden writing this and there is a swarm of mosquitoes attacking me.

I think I saw Ashwini in my dream and I told her that I wont give her her watch back. In reality i dont know where her watch is. It's lost.

Today ma's friends came over for lunch. We had mutton biryani and fish kofta. I read tarot cards for a bunch of them. Arun is travelling this week.

Joshodhara mashi read my palm. She told me to be a writer. I'll be very successful as a writer and poet, that is what she said.

She also told me that I just need to make up my mind and I'll get married. If I decide on a person that person will be mine. I want Arun.

She told me that I might get a job with a publishing house in the near future and that writing is my talent and I should publish.

Now I have to help Ma out in the kitchen since Modelley has not been coming to work.

In addition to chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo I've been chanting the red tara and green tara mantras and Om Mani Padme Hum since yesterday.

I really want Arun in my life-- no one else will do.

I am feeling:

Itchy and bleeding because of mosquitoes

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.19 pm

Journal 9.09 am on 8.8.2026 seeing coomi

Dear Journal,

I think I saw Coomi Vevaina in my dream. I woke up feeling that I should have done my Masters in English when I cracked the entrance exam. However, at that time I chose to focus on my career.

I really miss Arun a lot.

My student will be here any time.

Last night I spent time with Twi and K on the building bench. K is the new bharate in Appi di's house.

Ma has her friends coming home today.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving. I want someone to love.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.13 am

Journal 7.26 pm on 7.8.2026 life is so easy

Dear Journal,

I want some excitement in my life. I want someone to love.

RaTi messaged me around 4 saying he is an hour away and would like to meet me. It's 7.28 now and he is nowhere in sight.

Today I woke up well after 10 from a dream that I was in my next life. I was wondering in the dream how I died. Arun was there, Ma was there and Buro was there. There was a black object that encompassed something precious.

I saw Jhumpamdi in my dream with more sallow cheeks.

In the morning I went to the garden to chant and do some yoga. Then I studied a bit. I had fish and rice for lunch.

I sent Tanya some questions for the students for printouts.

Then in the evening I again went to the garden and chanted for an hour.

I smoked a few cigarettes today.

I am feeling:

Stable

Sobre

Loving

Full of love

Happy

Serious 

Iam grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Im sitting on a bench writing this. Melon just came and I petted him.

Love,

Me.

7.36 pm

Journal 10.38 am on 7.8.2026 dream

Dear Journal,

It's probably Dadu's birthday today.

I had a dream where I saw myself in my next life. Arun is there, right there for me to love. I saw Jhumpadi whose cheeks were more sallow. Ma was there. Buro was there in my next life. There was some object I was fussing over, but I don't remember the details of the object. Today I woke up after 10.

I smoked 3 cigarettes so far. I hope to not smoke any cigarettes.

My student says he will come tomorrow.

I better study today.

I am feeling:

Heartache

Like peeing

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.42 am

Ps: This feeling of feeling sexual is unbearable. I don't want to get frustrated.

I'm sitting in the garden to chant and do yoga and there are so many mosquitoes here.

I really miss Arun. I really love Arun.

May I have the strength to face this day beautifully. 

Love,

Me.

11.47 am

Journal 10.25 pm on 6.8.2026 feeling irritated

Dear Journal,

There should be a cap on my mother's concern.

Today Twi and me took walks and had panipuri. I was telling her how I read Ma's prayers in her diary-- she prayed for me to quit journalism, she prayed for Arun and me to break up, she prayed for me to not be a Tarot reader etc etc.

That whole Ma aspect is making me feel so irritated with her. She is so controlling!

I am feeling:

Irritated

Caught in my circumstances

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.29 pm

Journal 6.20 pm on 6.8.2026 sexuality & yes, cigs do hijack....

Dear Journal,

Today I got messages from DeJh and Noel.

DeJh said something like he can't meet me today and I told him that I didn't expect him to. Then he sent such a huge volume of messages that I ignored him. He is annoying.

Noel encouraged me to quit smoking. He told me that I must love myself when I don't smoke cigarettes and accept myself without cigarettes.

After that I tried to not smoke and just smoked one about half an hour ago.

I felt so sexual and I missed Arun through this craving. I wonder how he is.

Somehow intuitively I feel that he tried to get going with that girl called Rutuja. I don't know but it's something I think about.

What should I do about my sexuality? I don't want to date just any guy. And frankly, I'm irritated with DeJh.

Modelley has not been coming. Now I'll wash the vessels. I hope to make the most of this evening.

I am feeling:

Loving

Sexual

Happy

I want a companion. 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life. 

Love,

Me.

6.27 pm

Ps: About 20 years ago I had attended a lecture by VVai at Tifr on how drugs like marijuana hijack the brain's reward system.

I asked her whether cigarettes hijack the brain's reward system since I'd just started smoking cigarettes. 

I've got my answer definitively from life. YES. CIGARETTES HIJACK THE BRAIN'S REWARD SYSTEM. When you smoke cigarettes you don't feel like doing much else. You don't feel like accomplishing tasks. You don't feel like taking action towards your life.

I've given up all sorts of drugs. And I have alcohol rarely. I might as well quit smoking and reclaim my agency, reclaim my life. Then I'll be that pretty 12-year-old girl who was an athlete and aced dramatics. My skin will glow and my mind will be sharp and incisive.

Love,

Me.

7.41 pm

Ps2: And my nostrils have become all flared and wide as Arun's nostril, full of raw energy. I wish he were here to love and kiss and caress. I would have so loved that through this phase of my life-- smelling  him... sigh. I'm not very happy with my career at the moment to be honest. 

I think I'll go downstairs and spend some time with Twi.

8.00 pm

Journal 11.11 am on 6.8.2026 seeing vladimir putin in my dream

Dear Journal,

I saw Vladimir Putin in my dream. At first I thought he was a very bad guy. Then my view of him softened. I also saw Arun in the same dream sequence, discussing a movie or something. The details are quite sketchy.

I am going to study today. It's a good good day!

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly lonely

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.14 am

Journal 8 pm on 5.8.2026 I love myself

Dear Journal,

A few years ago I had contacted a suicide prevention helpline because I was feeling depressed. This was about 4 years ago.

The consulting psychologist on the other end asked me to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10. I said 8 to 8.5.

He said that that's great! That means I have good self esteem.

I went and asked this question to Ma and Pa. Ma said 3 and Pa said 10, saying of course I love myself.

The moment I decided to let Arun go a surge of good wishes for myself poured out of my being into me. Intention makes all the difference.

I spend such an inordinate time with myself that I might as well love myself.

I haven't really studied today. I think I never really wanted to be a teacher. But I have this gig. So today after going down to buy milk and roti I will study a bit.

Right now if I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say I'm a 10.5.

I think I'm a kickass humanbeing. I'm a beautiful person as are all the people who grace my life.

When I was with Arun I was earning money through Tarot and there used to be so many clients in extramarital situations consulting me. And I used to feel that everyone is living a similar life. It's exactly 8.08 pm.

I want to be my best friend. I want to always be kind to myself.

Lately everyone I'm meeting has been talking about self love-- oneness of life and it's environment. My life and my people flow together.

I feel most awake at night.

Not a moment is being wasted. There is so much time really and I'm not in a hurry to get anywhere. Everything that has to happen is happening in the here and now.

Modelley did not come to work today.

Twi just messaged that she is waiting for me. I'll just go and talk to her.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Loving

Determined to quit smoking. I have been taking long walks ever since I was small. I can replace my cigarettes with long walks.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.15 pm

Ps: There is that feeling again accompanied by a sexual urge. Right now there is no one to direct all this love to.

I'm so different from the rest of the girls. Today I spent time with Twi and Hamida aunty and they were discussing maids, the redevelopment and practical things.

Hamida aunty said that she has really enjoyed life. She told me Im looking very pyaari and good.

I hope to become most career-oriented in the coming few days.

And I want someone loyal to love.

Tomorrow will be a good good day!

I am feeling:

My ears ringing

Happy

Awake

Really want to quit smoking.

10.13 pm

Journal 4.45 pm on 5.8.2026 I refuse to give up

Dear Journal,

Ma just came back home. I've been reflecting on my parents and my life. Ma is such a good girl. And Pa is such a good boy. Ma and Pa have never cheated on each other despite being unhappy.

I don't know what a happy marriage looks like. From Arun's account all people sleep around, all people have extramarital affairs. From Arun's account cheating is quite normal. That is so sad, firstly toh. And secondly, it makes me trust him less.

I think I grew up in an unhappy home. It's only Buddhism that has brought in joy into our lives and I should never give it up.

I've met so many different kinds of people striving in my Buddhist practice.

And my Buddhist practice has also made me realise that all people suffer and that I must always cultivate kindness because you never know what the person in front of you is going through. That's number one. I'll never stop chanting.

Then I'll never give up on myself. I'll always take my medication because it means that I trust in my growth and progress.

And finally, I'll never give up on people and in love. No matter who is in front of me-- whether it be Mukesh Ambani or Amitabh Bachchan or a Bhalla or Sunil bhaiyya i'll show respect to all lives. You never know what the soul in front of you is going through.

I hope to find love. You know journal these days I feel so darned lonely.

We are a quiet household. We don't really talk much here.

All my best conversations were had with Arun-- I'll never forget him.

I'll never give up on myself dear Journal. One more step forward each day.

I also hope to quit smoking.

The goal of human life is freedom and happiness. May I bring joy to all and be the ultimate successful. Its exactly 5.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.03 pm

Ps: I feel so sexually aroused. I wont be with just anybody. I hope to find an excellent companion. I am not going to pleasure myself.

Journal 1.10 pm on 5.8.2026 a dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream well after 10.10. It's exactly 1.11 now. I saw that I was telling Rohit Handa that my parents didn't leave me any money and he says there must be money. 

Then I find a box full of ten rupee notes... many many many of them.

I smoked 4 cigarettes in the morning. I promised myself I would smoke no more and that I would study.

I went to meet DiPan in the morning.

I told her about my dream of being at my lowest point and she said that I'm definitely not at my lowest point. So many things are in my favour. She also told me to never stop chanting.

Now I'll have a bath, eat lunch, chant and study.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.15 pm

We two

All the circumstances support

Me with you.

Then where are we stuck so royally,

We two?

It's the tip of a sea mountain, 

The wonderment of my music

And one way or the other--

Together we are gifted.

Not that much time has passed.

Is that a bouquet in your hand?

This saga will never end.

Letter to God 10.08 pm on 4.8.2026 A tale of all I want

Dearest God,

With what purpose have you put me on Earth? To what aim? What do you want of me? What is the best course of action now? I want you to reveal it for me in my dreams.

I think I want your infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life. I believe in your power and your might. Whatever you've told me will happen actually happens. I've felt your presence. I've also felt your wrath.

Firstly, can you make this world a more lovely place? Without wars, without disharmony, where all beings mean and intend well, where we live with love and with joy and everyone has everything they need and more.

I've handwritten so many things to you in the past and I don't want to get lost in thoughts of you because that means I'm lonely.

Firstly, give me love and give me Arun's lifelong friendship. Since he is married his friendship will suffice. What are your plans for me?

Arun has told me that he will never watch a movie with me. Give him the desire to dial my number, to want to meet me. Give me him in this life.

Because God I want his steady presence in my life.

Sometimes you give something and then you take it away. Don't do that with love in my life.

Give me a relationship with someone of mutual love, mutual committment, mutual devotion, mutual happiness, mutual trust and mutual respect and togetherness.

I really crave that maximum at the moment. I crave someone to talk to, someone to spend time with, someone whose shoulders I can lean on. Help me pay Arun back.

Second of all I want to quit smoking for good. Prepare circumstances such that I kick the butt for good.

Help me leave my mark in this world with my creations and my creativity. Give me riches, give me fame, give me the joys of a successful career as an actress and a writer.

Help me buy my own house.

Make Ma's ulcers disappear, Pa's bones heal and give Buro a financial breakthrough. Give me a financial breakthrough!

Let me have money.

Help me be prepared for class each Monday and teach my students to the best of my ability. Let them score high marks.

Give me respect, love and the joys of life.

Give Arun a happy life. May he win his Oscar.

Make my health problems go away.

Guide me to fulfil all my responsibilties to the best.

Help me strive, guide me to be consumed by work. Help me stand at the pinnacle of success and never move from there.

Guide me to spread love, joy and cheer wherever I go.

Give me the bounties of your gifts and spoil me with choice. Spoil me oh dear God because when I come to you tender and ripe I shall be healed.

And shower your infinite love, Grace and blessings on all creation and show not your wrath!

Love,

Doel

Journal 8.32 pm on 4.8.2026 it's written in the skies

Dear Journal,

Some things are so obvious like it's written as a sign in the skies. And you don't need to probe. That is what it is.

Today I woke up at 9.36 from a dream where I saw Arun. I saw in the dream that all the conditions were right for the two of us to date but we are not dating. I wonder how he is.

It's written in the skies. It's so obvious he has someone to talk to these days.

He brought me infinite joy and happiness. I used to be crazy about his smell and crazy about him. May be I still am. I still love him in that subliminal way you love a boy when he touches your heart.

His love, his kisses, his stupid lies, his smell, his stories, his people... aah! Those were the days.

Then I attended a meeting with Tejal where she just briefed me about what I should teach next Monday.

Then I bathed and ate my lunch which was bhetki with rice.

Then I lay down for a bit and after 4, me and Ma went to Harsh.

I came back and had alu bhajiya... I'm spending too much money on smokes and colas. Abdul's shop has reopened.

Then I went to meet SeeDhi. For some reason these days my self talk has become very positive as if I have fallen in love with myself and I inside am being newly appreciated by me.

I told SeeDhi about how lonely I'm feeling. We discussed the frivolousness of relationships.

I told her about how I don't like attention from men, especially married and taken men and how all my male friends denigrate their wives and talk poorly about them.

Then I told her that I'll never find a guy like my dad who will always say I'm right. Then SeeDhi surprised me with her input.

She told me that Ma has told her that Pa has never been affectionate towards her.

All those years of thinking that my parents are in an unhappy marriage, I was right! It's now only in Buddhism that I can say I have a happy family.

Otherwise Pa with his tantrik, Ma with her negativity. Those were probably the worst days of my life.

All my life I've seen Ma fighting with Pa. Nowadays she doesn't that much. When I was in college Pa once told me that he is very lonely. I'm sure he has had his share of women friends whom we don't know.

What we see is Ma with her circle of girlfriends and Pa with his male pals.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm grateful for the friends I have.

Today A Alam messaged. Then he called. He told me that I don't love myself and that I'm too nice to everyone. He is one of my poor friends-- always struggling with money and negativity.

And I decided today as I was walking out of SeeDhi's house that I would take all my problems to God. I would converse with God. God is my companion in a world where it seems I have such few companions.

I'll never again talk to Arun the way I spoke with him the last time. He brought me so much happiness and love. I'll never forget him.

Tomorrow I have to go meet DiPan and I hope to study tomorrow.

I also hope to reach a point where I never smoke a cigarette again.

I intentioned for it to be a good day today in the morning. Has it been a good day? I'll ask ChatGpt.

On the road of life

I am on a journey

To spread love

And be successful

Bringing joy to all hearts!

I think I'll write a letter to God now after I go down and smoke a cigarette. I will quit cigarettes too.

I am feeling:

Heart slightly heavy

Loving

Happy but sombre

Serious

Awake

Bright

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.58 pm