Journal 11.13 pm on 1.8.2026 I will not express anger

Dear Journal,

Why did I get angry with Arun? My split anger has cost me so much. I can't talk to him anymore.

With him I expect the worst and sabotage anything good going between us. I really regret my hurtful words to him, really truly from the core of my being.

I don't need to say I love him; that's my default mode. I hope to hear from him.

I am feeling:

Sorry 

Foolish

Happy

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.17 pm

Journal 8.45 pm on 1.8.2026 I hate seeing Pa sad

Dear Journal,

I hate seeing my father sad. He is down with an upset stomach. And I'm churned to see him so forlorn. I wish I could ease his worries and pains. I truly love my father, my dutiful Poppa Bear.

I have duties too and I hope to accomplish them.

Is Arun really working so hard that he has no free time? Does he not take his many other girls out for drinks? If he is really working so hard he will burn out at some point just the way I did after 12 years in the newsroom.

I don't know if and when we will speak again. If he will ever want to talk to me. From the way he talks to me it seems he wants to maintain some distance.

Actually for the past 6 years ever since I quit the newsroom I have so much free time it's embarrassing. I'd like for something to consume me again just the way news did once upon a time.

Seeing Arun work so hard one feels that one must also put in such hard labour but the Truth is one should always make room for music and poetry. That's sustenance for me.

I'll sincerely try to move on from Arun now.

I read a beautiful quote today-- When one tries to do something brave difficulties invariably arise.

Also, self love is so vital. I'm reclaiming my dignity by loving myself.

I wish Ma and Pa's health problems ease. I've not chanted ever since I fought with Arun. I will now.

I haven't washed my hair in a long time. Why don't I keep the promises to myself? I should be sincere with myself. I should open myself to me. I am a beautiful person.

I hope this emptiness disappears

And my heart is once again filled with love

And i live in symphonous harmony

Like a bright flying dove.

I hope my work consumes me. I really want to be busy with interesting work.

We don't really need to chant or pray. That is only to discipline the mind. All we need to do is wish from the heart. Life is a wish granting jewel and all our desires are fulfilled.

I won't contact Arun ever. May he be happy.

I am feeling:

Loving

Serious

A little inward looking

Happy I spent time listening to music today

I must have really hurt Arun with my messages. I hope he is fine.

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and Blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.03 am

That kiss

That kiss that I am envisioning

Comes calling on a whim

As now I sit so serious,

So solemn and so grim.

You grin that charming grin again,

You share with me your life's tales

And together we are both free

In spring water deep till the knee.

I haven't forgotten a word you said

And each time you touch me

My cheeks turn red

And it's such a beautiful sonorous sound

To hear you snoring so you are not down.

I feel that life is a magic dream; 

With you by my side that's how it seems.

And I'm so happy that I met you now,

In my prime with rainbows.

It's such a beautiful feeling

To honour our love,

Guided by a hand above;

Do you have faith that we will make it?

Do you think we could live restricted?

Life has come a full circle today

Because the love I sought

I found while making hay

And the sunshine really suits your skin

And I am so happy because with you I win.

Atop a hill

I'm sitting pretty atop the hill

Deeply in love and at my own will

And you are safely down aground

Asking me to please join you unbound.

I land gently underneath

Even as it's riches I seek

And I have found the secret to making money

Which is so obvious, so darned funny

And you hold my hand and we go around,

Drinking wine and singing songs

And I refuse to do any wrong

Whether with compounders or with a bong.

There is magic money everywhere,

I just have to look and speak, it's like a snare

And we two lovebirds deeply in love,

Guided by a hand above,

Climb together another hill

And sit atop together as you willed.

Journal 4.18 pm on 1.8.2026 I am my own best friend

Dear Journal,

Today I woke around 8 from a dream where I saw Ma giving me and Buo a house each. I was eager to get my house but Buo wanted some changes to his house so he was more patient.

I think this dream is asking me to be more patient regarding everything. Happier days will be here.

I am my own best friend. I saw a video today by a psychiatrist who said we are our best counsel-- we don't need to read books, or seek advice, we are our best advisors-- we have all the resources within us.

Apropos Arun I've been kind of ruminating and I think since he is married I should kind of let him go. Also, by his own admission he has never been true to any woman, so that makes me feel he'll hide things, not speak the truth.

Come on! How busy can he be that he has no time to talk at some point?

Ever since he blasted me on the phone for talking about chanting I don't feel like chanting. I was worse than him when the chant was introduced to me. I had zilch faith but as my impossible prayers got answered I became more consistent.

I'll always love Arun, ALWAYS. But his hold on my heart is getting weaker by the day; he doesn't make any effort to keep in touch or be friends; in fact for some reason he talks to me insultingly.

I don't know when I'll date somebody, but not any time soon. I'm happy being single. Like I said I am my own best friend.

Today I went to Metamorph and some parents said their children really enjoyed my class.

I spoke to Rahul Auradkar too who asked me if I'll be teaching long-term. The education field requires a teacher to work really hard. Ive smoked far fewer cigarettes today and I really want to quit smoking. I want to go the whole evening without smoking.

I want a romantic companion, someone who loves me, dotes on me and will be loyal to me, someone I can commit to and trust, I want some togetherness.

All the cute sweet things I told Arun ever I've been telling myself, loving myself. I'm beautiful, I'm pretty, I'm smart, I'm loyal.

This psychiatrist on instagram also said that whenever we overanalyse or overthink something it's because the mind sees those ruminating thoughts as a project for problem-solving.

I ruminate a lot; I overthink everything.

Now I'll chant and read but first some coffee.

I deserve to be chosen. I deserve respect.

Just the way Ma and Pa have eachother and all my relations are in happy marriages, I seek togetherness with a heart's companion. That's actually my most urgent need right now. No wonder I lashed out at Arun. I was so thinking about him. It's exactly 4.44.

The days they will get better,

The thoughts they will get wiser

And our friendship will be closer

And life will get more interesting and colourful.

It's a beautiful wonderful life-- simply beautiful and wonderful.

I wish Arun all the very best with whatever he wants.

I am feeling:

Loveless

Happy

Simple

Loving

Understanding

Self-loving

Self-respecting

Sweet

Cautious

Eager to read now.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

4 47 pm

I miss

Can I tell you what I miss maximum?

It's your smooches so golden

And seeing the colour of your skin

Glistening in the light above;

Your fragrance from your sweat

And your ever-reflecting glares

And I miss talking to you--

Will we ever again?

Or have you really let me go

And want a real no show?

I won't beg and plead

But you are more than a need;

You are the conversation of souls

To whom my heart has been sold.

Prophecy

You come to me by land,

You come to me by sea,

In many ages gone past

Two sayers saying sooth

Told me about you as prophecy.

I have never loved another

As much as I care for you;

Your voice makes my heart aflutter

And your fragrance is the best perfume.

I miss you as a child

Misses her father at play,

I miss you as a sister

Who watches her brother in new forays,

I miss you as a girl

Misses her favourite boy

And no one pleases me as much as you,

Not even the latest toy.

My love for you is true,

I've been more than loyal,

I really do love you

And I want you back.