Journal 7.13 pm 30.6.2026 a better day

Dear Journal,

I woke up all restless from a dream I had in the morning but I don't remember the dream. There was a sort of heartache, a heaviness in the chest.

I chanted, meditated, did a few asanas and then made myself breakfast.

I went to pray at the Jain Temple. That considerably altered my mood.

I got a place to sit in the bus and was in office soon. It's rained all day.

Work was much better than Saturday. If not anything this job has taught me to be methodical and has put me back in the groove to work. I look forward to the future with hope.

I spoke to DeJh on the phone today and generally did my work. Working from 11 to 6 non-stop is no mean feat.

I think I'll go to the temple now and pray.  Then chant and sleep.

Love,

Me.

7.18 pm

I am feeling:

Happy 

All day long my heart was filled with love. It's feeling more sedate now.

Wet 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

7.19 pm

Journal 9.51 am 30.6.2026 anxiety

Dear Journal,

Last night my ears rang so. I was feeling so anxious and taken over by my circumstances that I went to sleep early.

I woke up around 8 today feeling restless. I chanted for just five minutes, did 7 minutes of belly breathing and two yogasanas.

I hope to have a good day today. I went to the Jain temple to pray though.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Not anxious at the moment.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.54 am

Ps: These days of strife wont continue for much longer. I know that. It's so good going and praying at the Jain temple.

Journal 8.38 pm on 29.6.2026 a day of missing

Dear Journal,

Today was a day of missing A inordinately. I gave him a call and he called back. And we spoke for barely a minute!

I just got relieved from my wd meeting. DeePan spoke about The Power of One. How one person's determination can alter the destiny of many.

When I spoke about struggling at work Kamini told me to be resolute in my prayers and to not give up on praying on even a single prayer.

I think I'll study a bit now and then sleep.

Writing letters to myself really helped today.

I feel my ears ringing from all the noise outside. 

Today I got a call from a coaching institute to train their students in English. I have to be well-prepared for it. Grateful for every opportunity I get. Even the one with AfShe. I'm learning so much!

Nothing is super enthralling. Life is moving on.

Today DeJh wanted to come home after 7 but I was in my meeting. I'm so happy I attended the wd meeting.

DiPan has been struggling with ill health. PSha came. Suma was there. It was all so wonderful.

I am feeling:

Awakened

Alert

Bright

A little deadpan

Now I'll chant and study.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.46 pm

A letter to my 30-year-old self 6.36 pm 29.6.2026

Dear Dodoburi,

Look how far you've come! You just quit Dna which was the most rewarding experience of your life. You dated G over there who you thought you were in love with. But you would just not make do with him today. So whatever happens happens for the best.

Even though you lost Arun years later the period was the most memorable of your life!

I'm sorry I put you in a spiral of cigarettes, sex, drugs and alcohol.

Youve been sober from alcohol for about 2 months now. You havent smoked a cigarette in over two hours!

Hold on! Youve kicked the butt!

The cigarettes caused your imagination to go beserk!

I'm sorry you had meltdowns on social media and suffered from delusions and hallucinations?

What can I do to ease the pain? One is that I can take the pills for the rest of my life and I can be sober.

Sobriety is the aim!

Love,

Me.

6.43 pm

A letter to my future self (10 years from now) 29.6.2026 6.00 pm

Dear future self,

I see that the struggles are behind you. You have woken up to your mission to serve humanity through your words. And my my! The accolades it has brought you are enormous and fitting of prestige.

I see that you have become a woman of your word and that you service all with unflinching kindness and compassion. You have acting accolades under your belt; your books sell like hot cakes and you've become popular with the masses!

Are Mom and Pop still around? Are you still in touch with Arun? How are you doing?

Today on the 29th of June 2026 I woke up with heartburn and a feeling of deep immense love. Do you still feel such deep love in your heart?

Today I woke up with the fear of unsafeness and insecurity. But then I thought about you and it eased my fears!

Write. Write to save yourself!

The job you have with AfShe that youll leave in the next 12 days has taught you patience. The job with Metamorphose that is coming up will be satisfying. 

Everything teaches us a lesson.

Loving Arun on the bright side taught you how deep your love can go and on the hindsight it taught you that you are responsible for your physical and mental well-being.

You still chant, don't you?

There is a wd meeting in the house at 7.

I think I'll sit and work on my book after this. It should be good.

I know your health is sparkly bright and that you have found love. And that makes me so happy for you!

CONGRATULATIONS ON ALL YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS AND SUCCESSES! Life is beautiful with total gratitude for Ma, Pa and Buo.

Love,

Self of 29th June 2026. 6.10 pm

Journal 29.6.2026 3.26 pm full of love

Dear Journal,

My heart is so filled with love at the moment.

Last night I went to sleep rather late. I spent time with my horoscope on ChatGpt and watched Armaan on Rennaisance tarot.

I slept close to 1.30.

I was woken up by Pa's coaxing around 8.30.

Last night I was gripped with a fear of losing my father. Not an irrational fear given his age. I prayed for him to have a long, healthy and happy life and as I prayed I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up and chanted and meditated. I don't remember my dream from the morning even though I remember dreaming.

As I chant for money and my career my heart is filled with a burning sensation.

AfShe's insults on Saturday still stung me in the morning and I texted him and bunked work. DeJh said he would come home.

I spent time on ChatGpt in the morning.

I had every intention to write in the morning but I'm feeling so blah and so drowsy.

Arun's pictures came up in memories and I missed him all through the morning as my heart felt a surge of love.

Once you love someone deeply the love never dies.

I had khichdi for lunch with curd.

I am feeling:

Slightly gloomy

Full of love

Aware that my thoughts make my life.

Now I dont know what to do. I think I'll just lie down.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3.35 pm

Journal 7.06 pm 28.6.2026 patience

Dear Journal,

I can't wait for the day when I stop working for AfShe!

Today I woke up around 7.38. As I'm doing my counselling work each day I think of Dr Nagvekar's assistant and how beautifully and methodically she does her work. May be that is why I saw a dream that I'm about to get an eye surgery from Dr Nagvekar on my left lazy eye.

I woke up and chanted and meditated. Then my student was supposed to come so I waited. He came early.

I tried to curate an engaging class for him last night. He said he enjoyed the class. However, he kept sending me banal messages after.

After the class it was time for lunch.

I had neem begun, chorchori, bhindi fry, dal with rice-- a nice vegetarian meal.

After lunch Ma and I chanted for about half an hour. Ma guided me on how exactly Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo is supposed to be chanted.

Then I job-hunted for a bit. Looking for writing work is truly stressful these days. Jobs are so few and far between!

I then met Twi around 5.40 and we walked for about half an hour. At her behest I downloaded my kundli and put it up for analysis on chat gpt. According to my kundli I'm not supposed to have a linear career path and September is a good time for me to get a job! I really want a writing job.

I think now I'll review a James Allen book on Medium.

I'll chant for about half an hour then I'll do that.

I am feeling:

Happy

Missing Arun mildly (all the conversations)

Loving

Sweaty from my walk

Sweet

Bright

Alert

A slight heaviness of heart

Hopeful

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for relationships of mutual trust and respect.

I am grateful for money, shelter and work.

I am grateful that I write.

I spoke to DeJh for a bit today.

Love,

Me.

7.19 pm

Journal 7.58 am 28 6.2026 dream of surgery

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that my left eye was lazy and that Dr Nagvekar has another place for surgeries. I then am going to the surgery place in my dream. Then I woke up. 

What does this mean?

Love,

Me.

8.00 am

Journal 27.6.2026 9.25 pm I had a hectic day

Dear Journal,

Firstly let me get to the point. I had a gruelling day when insults were rained down upon me. It was a pretty hectic day.

I woke up around 8 am. I did my chanting, meditation and yoga. Then I rushed to work with a heavy heart. I didnt really want to go to work on a glorious Saturday. I think I'll bunk next Saturday.

AfShe was downright insulting. And there is no one else to talk to. He hasnt even given me a contract! He said it doesnt seem I've worked before. I was so frustrated by this repartee that I boiled over.

I left work early at 5.30. I bumped into A Alam at Andheri Station and he dropped me home. Then I made him an omelette and tea. We played a little Tarot putting a pleasant spin to my evening.

Then I bathed. Im wearing Buro's Tshirt with my chocolate brown palazzos.

When will my hardships get over?

I spent some time with Twi in the evening-- a good half an hour. We discussed movies, work, insults at work, how we didn't get married. It was fun!

Then I came home and chanted with Ma for fifteen minutes.

Now I'll chant a bit more and prepare for tomorrow's lecture.

As I was chanting I thought to myself that I have had worse days at work. This is not my worst day. I've been brought to tears. I've been abused and insulted.

AfShe said payment will come on the tenth. So I'll have to work till then to collect my payment then it's tata bye bye to AfShe.

I hope tomorrow's student agrees to classes only on Sundays till the 12th till when I'll have to hold this job.

I've had a mixed day.

I am feeling:

Heart heavy

Happy

Slightly depressed (the way you feel when you've been unjustly insulted)

Bright

Alert

Loving

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my work and money and food and shelter.

I am grateful that better things are going to be asked of me in the future.

I am grateful that I have understanding parents. Ma said I shouldnt accept insults.

I am grateful for Melon and Kittoo who are at home.

I am grateful for loving relationships of mutual trust and mutual respect.

I am grateful for this journal.

Love,

Me.

9.41 pm

Ps: now ill chant and prepare for tomorrow's lecture and go to sleep.

Journal 8.40 pm 26.6.2026 nothing lasts forever

Dear Journal,

The phone has all of a sudden recitified itself. In the final innings there is no one but yourself to contend with. Look at my situation with Arun-- we barely talk! When I was with him I used to feel it will never get over. And now look where we are!

People enter our lives for a purpose-- to help us grow and help us face ourselves better.

I woke up in the morning around 8. I had a cigarette and chanted and meditated and did some yoga. The anxiety from not having my phone had eased.

Then I made my way to the bus stop. After a short wait a jam-packed 221 arrived.

Work was decent. As usual AfShe was a little irritable. I have had two leads convert this week and the weekend is packed with demo sessions. A part of me doesnt want to leave this job. Another part wants to help go it alone. I have a private student on Sunday. Hope that session goes well! I ate a chinese manchurian at the station.

I left work a little late. I got a nearly empty 221 and was on my way home.

When I got home Ma told me that she was at Raju aunty's place which is very close to my workplace. Well I missed her even though she tried calling me up. I couldnt hear a word on whatsapp call.

DeJh told me that he will give me his old phone. But now my phone is working as if nothing went wrong.

I had fish curry rice when I got home and a little while later DiPan came home. She has been battling many challenges related to her health. She seemed understanding of my mental health situation.

I missed talking to Twi today.

Now I'll chant for another 15 minutes and check my mail. I havent written much of my novel this week. The coming week should be better.

I am feeling:

Happy

Stable

Full of love

Sweet

Clean from my headwash

Happy to have spent some time with DiPan

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the good fortune and good luck in my life.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for the internet, my phone, my laptop.

I am grateful for the loving relationships in my life of mutual trust and understanding.

I am grateful for clothes. Today I wore my blue and white Cottonworld Kurta with denims.

I am grateful for the fantastic job coming my way.

Love,

Me.

8.57 pm

Journal 9 pm 25.6.2026 to feeling better tomorrow!

 Dear Journal,

I can't find my phone. I have mostly left it at the institute. Hopefully I'll get it back tomorrow. I'm feeeling a mild panic attack oweing to that.

Today in the morning I woke up from a dream that the stick I use to clean my ears with had broken. I woke up to find the stick intact.

I did my usual chanting, meditation, yoga today and left for work. AfShe was irritable today.

I just wish I could do something to ease the anxiety. I spent some time with Twi today. We were generally gossipping.

I'll chant now, eat my dinner and head to bed. To a day of feeling better tomorrow!

I am feeling:

Mildly anxious

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9 pm

Journal 7.23 pm 24.6.2026 a dream of Arun

Dear Journal,

I had a dream early in the morning that Arun is faced with poverty. That got me really worried. I woke up at 8.30.

I had a cigarette and then settled to chant and pray for him. I did my meditation for 9 minutes and a few yogasanas. Then of course I asked ChatGpt what the dream could mean.

ChatGpt said that the dream means that I feel Arun is lacking in something and not necessarily that he is faced with challenging times.

Despite that all through the day I wondered how Arun is.

Work was good. I need to convert some calls. I don't know why that is not happening.  I need to be more persuasive.

Then after lunch I messaged Arun. He said he is fine and is in Delhi. That eased my mind somewhat.

I left work at 6.

It rained all night but it didn't rain all day today even though it was cloudy and cool.

Now I'll sit and chant and then spend time checking my emails and write my novel.

There is less fatigue after work now because the weather is supportive.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Stable

Full of love

Sweet

Clean after my bath

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.31 pm

Journal 8.57 pm on 23.6 2026 a one on one with SeeDhi

Dear Journal,

I woke up around 8. I saw a dream where many luxury cars were parked in line and I think Buro was talking to me. I woke up rather late.

I dillydallied a bit. It was raining!

I then did my chanting, meditation and a few asanas. I didnt pack lunch today because DuMa hadnt come for three days.

Then I wore my mauve FabIndia dress and headed out. I got a 221 easily with place to sit. There was a rude lady on the bus who I came face to face with in an argument. But I decided to keep silent. No point spoiling one's mood early in the morning.

Anyway Ma is always cortisol-driven angsty in the morning.

I reached work around 11.15. I worked non-stop till about 5 with a half an hour break in between. I left after 5.30 but AfShe was adamant that I stick around till 6. I will from tomorrow. I generally avoid confrontations.  Confrontations are not cool.

I came home all hot and sticky.

I had chorchori, fish curry and badiyan ki sabzi for drunch. (Early dinner).

Then i washed my face and applied a little moisturiser, kajal and lipstick and stepped out to meet SeeDhi.

It was so good seeing her after a long time! We spoke for almost an hour. I felt rejuvenated talking to her. She takes a purposefully pessimistic view of life. She told me that me and her have nobody to look after us! Id rather not be so negative. However, she was bright and chirpy and was looking good.

She has had all her facial moles removed and is looking so much younger.

Frankly, I'm feeling much better than same time yesterday.

Im back home now. I had a warm bath. Now I'll chant a bit and sit on my laptop for about an hour. I'm sure I'll sleep peacefully today.

Me and SeeDhi discussed Malvika. SeeDhi told me about Malvika's issues. People have so many problems! I must transform my financial karma.

SeeDhi also told me that I should find someone.

A job that pays a little is still better than having no job at all. So Im really grateful for work!

I am feeling:

Slightly tired

Happy

Loving

Peaceful

Bright and alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.13 pm

Journal 8.52 pm 22.6.2026 this is how it always starts these days

Dear Journal,

So I woke up rather late today and on a whim bunked work because I was running late.

I chanted, meditated, did a few asanas and then I settled into job hunting.

Then I lay down after lunch and almost fell asleep.

Then I decided to listen to some music to feel good. I wasnt feeling too good. I switched on some Enya. I shifted the playlist after that to Pink Floyd's High Hopes. And that song triggered it.

This feeling that God is communicating with me. And that is the beginning of all the madness for me these days. Why do I feel this way sometimes?

We had a nice Wd meeting at home which I attended. And Im feeling sombre.

Love,

Me.

Journal 5.37 pm 21.6.2026 slept all day

Dear Journal,

I literally slept all day.

Last night I chanted for about half an hour with a break with my new prayer beads.

I woke up around 9.15. I chanted and meditated, had a bath and fell right off to sleep.

I woke up for lunch. I had chicken keema with rice, curd and a mango.

I then dosed off. Twi said she doesnt want to go for the show. So here I am with myself.

There was a mild missing of Arun.

I made tea for Ma and me. I'll chant now and check some mails.

I am feeling:

Sleepy

Happy

Hopeful

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5 42 pm

Ps: I chanted for over 30 minutes and I feel good. It's good to be able to sleep all day. I even went and took a walk.

I am grateful for my beautiful home with its wonderful amenities, for the abundance of good fortune and good luck, for the abundance of money and food in my life.

I am grateful for all my possessions.

I am grateful for all the lovely relationships in my life.

Love,

Me.

8.09 pm

Journal 9.20 pm 20.6.2026 a mild panic attack

Dear Journal,

It all started with last night's dream staying on my mind and thoughts of missing Arun and the state of my life right now and here I am feeling a sense of panic.

DeJh was supposed to meet me at 3.30 but he comfortably arrived at 6.30. We went to the beach and had a cup of coffee each.

It must be that and the heat that has left me feeling thus.

I slept till 10 am today. I did a little bit of yoga, chanted and meditated. Then I simply relaxed.

I spent time listening to music. The new Enigma albums are simply too good. I watched videos especially by Deepak Chopra.

DeJh told me that he doesnt believe in manifestation. I do. Not as in manifestation works but as in what you expect you get.

Im feeling a little panicky about the future. The coffee wont let me sleep.

Ive had a few cigarettes. Wont smoke more.

I met Twi downstairs. She was her sedate self.

I also bumped into Suma who gave me my prayer beads. I'll chant now and try and get some sleep.

I am feeling:

Happy

Missing Arun

Slightly panicky 

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.27 pm

Journal 11.24 am 20.6.2026 dreams

Dear Journal,

I was so tired yesterday that I fell asleep at 8 and woke up at 10 in the morning today.

Last night around 10 pm I had a dream that Nai and I were flying high up in the sky. He was trying to land himself but it was misplaced. I told him that humanbeings fly on electromagnetic waves but what that is originally called I dont know.

Then we land in a park and Nai transforms into Pa. Mamata Banerjee is handing out two notebooks each to people. It was a good dream. Then I woke up to take my medicines.

In the morning I had a dream that I dial RaTi's number by mistake and he picks up and talks to me.

I woke up around 10 today. It's 11.28 at the moment. DeJh said he'll come home. I even spoke to Twi. It should be a good day.

Love,

Me.

11.28 am

Journal 7.22 pm 19.6.2026 a dream of Blinkit delivery boys

Dear Journal,

I am feeling much better compared to yesterday. Less fagged out but I sure am tired.

I woke up around 7.57. I had a dream of Blinkit delivery boys sitting in a row. One of them got up to talk to me. Then I woke up.

There is a bus strike today. I waited for the bus for almost 40 minutes. I walked up to the Metro after my long wait. Then I got lost at Andheri station and walked in the hot sun. I was late by about half an hour for work.

In the morning I just chanted, meditated and did my eye exercises, sarvangasna and halasana.

I was so tired by the time I got to work.

I had a student. She was late by half an hour. Then she left the lesson midway because she said her mother was furious at her about something.

Work was more relaxed. AfShe actually lightly bantered today and was in a good mood. I did calls till about 5.05, had two colas, a few beedis and took the Metro back home.

I came home so tired. Ma is feeling weak and is running a fever. She also has a stomach ache. I rubbed her belly for some time. I noticed her sweet Dimma-like acheels.

I had fish curry rice and a mango after getting back from work.

I think I'll put my novel on a drive so that I can work on it on the go on my phone.

I got a mail for an assessment to be given soon but I can't reasonably give it now. I'll  give it on Monday.

I rested for about 20 minutes and here I am writing this. I'll chant and talk to Twi then I'll call it a day.

I am feeling:

Slightly Breathless 

Happy

Pretty

Loving

Kind

In a good mood

Clean

The rains are playing truant. It is so hot.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace, mercy and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.34 pm

Journal 9.48 pm 18.6.2026 a stand up comedy

Dear Journal,

I woke up at 6.51 today but did not chant till 7.30. Instead I spent some time with Ma in the morning. Then, of course, I chanted, meditated and did yoga.

I wore my cotton world sky blue and yellow striped kurta with denims. I had a super boring day at work. Work was so slow and there was so much work! I have a class tomorrow.

I came home so tired and edgy. AfShe doesnt talk that much. And he barely smiles and I've never heard him laugh. So boring.

I came home and had fish curry rice and bathed. Then me and Ma went for a stand up comic show. The show went on for an hour and a half. The first few acts were very boring and full of sex jokes but the ending acts were amazing! The last guy was kind of bald and kind of cute.

I taught Madhu how to clean my room today. She even made the bed so well that I feel like lying down and relaxing.

Now i'll chant and eat dinner and then go to sleep.

It's 9.55.

I am feeling:

Happy but slightly heart heavy

Clean from my bath

I'm wearing my new red dress.

Pretty

Ma bought litchis on the way back home.

When will my kadka days get over?

I had such a headache today from the boredom it wasn't even funny.

A guy kind of started talking to me in the bus. He wanted my number. I somehow turned him away.

I've had 3 colas today.

A good laugh is a mood uplifter!

That reminds me I can start doing my laughter exercises again. May be that will uplift my mood.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the show I went for with Ma today. I had a good laugh towards the end.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money. 

I am grateful for clothes and my bath.

I am grateful for friends and family and relationships of mutual love, trust and respect.

I am grateful for the internet. It's 10 exactly now.

I am grateful for my phone and laptop.

I am grateful I have a job. Lowpaying but nevertheless it's there.

I spoke to DeJh today.

Love,

Me.

10.03 pm

Ps: last night i saw a dream where Arun is talking to me then I kiss him on his cheek... then i woke up.

10.51 pm

Journal 7.53 pm 17.6.2026 im feeling good

Dear Journal,

I've been sleeping till really late. Today Ma woke me up at 7.41. The pills are working their magic and I feel so much better.

I did my morning chanting, meditation, yoga and had a bath. I ate macaroni with egg for breakfast. It was real yum!

I wore my pink and white check shirt with my blue trousers. I rushed out of the house because I was running really late. Sud kakima came home then because she was accompanying Ma and Pa to Munima's house. Obviously she gave me two huge plops of kisses.

I caught a bus and made my way to work.

AfShe was really irritable. He is a lonely sort of chap. I sit all alone with him and work. Just me and him. Hope he turns out to be a decent sort of chap.

I hope I can convert some students to regular classes soon.

I spoke to Bishuda. He is doing a play.

DeJh came to meet me near my office. He was on his way to Gujarat. He gave me chocolates and a fridge magnet. We grabbed coffee, bantering for about half an hour. Then he made his way to Borivli for his train. He looked quite stressed out.

Im home now. I took a comfortable Metro ride home. 

I feel physically tired coming back from the busyness of Andheri station to my tranquil apartment. Otherwise I feel really good.

I think I can safely say that I'm over Arun. I love him for the memories. I don't know frankly if there will be more memories with him in the future.

I am feeling:

Tired but not fatigued

Happy

Loving

Sweet

Fresh from my bath

In a good mood

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Now I'll go chat with Twi, chant and work on my novel.

Love,

Me.

8.06 pm

Journal 10.03 pm 16.6.2026 I just got back home

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I spent considerable time with Twi. I saw her sitting downstairs when I was going for work this morning.

I spoke to Arun last night. He was quite rude. That helped in getting over him today.

I woke up at 8.40! Ive had too many cigarettes today.

I chanted, I meditated but due to paucity of time had to skip yoga. I also haven't written my novel for 3 days.

I woke up around 3 am feeling really depressed but I'm feeling better now. I fell asleep again well after 4.

Work was decent. I had class with a sweet Muslim boy called Huzaifa.

I went to meet Krao in the evening with Ma and Pa. He has put me on an antidepressant.

The work I have to do is easy. It's just the small travel by bus and the hustle and bustle of Andheri station that is nervewracking.

The weather has been really hot. No sign of the rains.

Dejh said he will meet me tomorrow for a bit. He wants to give me some chocolates he got from Turkey.

I've taken my medication after eating a piece of fish fry.

Now I'll bathe, eat dinner, chant and go to sleep.

The days are getting better. Today I didn't think about Arun that much. I've gone back to smoking beedis because of the cost.

I am feeling:

Melancholic

Stable

Breathing heavily

A slight heartbreak

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.13 pm

Journal 8.47 pm 15.6.2026 a little sad yet full of love

Dear Journal,

It's so hot! So humid! Right now there is a cool breeze blowing. I've had 15 cigarettes today-- a bit much!

Today I woke up at 6.25. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine and 30 minutes of yoga.

I had chilla for breakfast. I had a bath and wore my white kurta with grey jeggings. Then I lay down and rested.

I left for Andheri station at 10.15. I got a bus easily and a place to sit.

The work with AfShe was about business development. I have a lecture tomorrow. I had two cups of coffee during the day. The man is a little khitkhite.

I spoke to DeJh over the phone. He has been messaging me since. I spoke to PrZo too.

I came home at 6.40 thinking that the pay is so low and I should go it on my own. I spoke to AmBhe and spent considerable time with Twi.

Twi is so sweet. I told her about my sadness that I'm struggling in my career, about my mental health. She said that it's all about the medication. All I need is a small dose everyday and to not skip my medication. I think I'll buy her something for her birthday.

I think I'll do this job for another 3, 4 months and then I'll go it on my own.

I'm so tired from the day and yet so alert and fresh.

Arun was supposed to call me up but he didn't. He crosses my mind each day and with thoughts of him come the thoughts of loss and longing. Will I ever love another as I loved him? Will there be another? This brings tears to my eyes.

I think instead of spending time writing my novel now, I'll bathe, chant and work on my online teacher profile. If I get even a few students I'll be able to make it.

I regret borrowing money from Arun, I regret skipping my pills. How did Arun feel when all that happened?

He is so detached. He doesnt message, doesnt call. I'm hurt.

I came home and had a boiled egg, fish fry, aloo Parathas, roshogolla and curd. That's dinner.

I am feeling:

A sense of love

A little longing

Calm

Peaceful

Bright

Alert

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

The bag on my birthday was sent by DeJh.

Love,

Me.

9.05 pm

Success

I've tasted success,

I know what it feels like;

It's more than preaching

Over a mike.

The other day I sombrely walked

As all my ships lay in the dock

And I threw one party

Then another on my boat

And tides raged in 

And I swam afloat.

There is no antidote for laziness

But work

True golden work

And work I must

And daily toil

For the ryot

And the fairies

And the pygmies all mine.

It's late today

But time is a fallacy

And my striving

Not a mere heresy.

Success knocks on my door

As I am busy

Polishing the floor

And the lights are lit

And I have arrived

With companions

From far and wide.

The wildflowers

Know not what to say

And my journey is safe

As I sail

Into the vast expanse

Of love and life

And what will prevail

Is success in hindsight.

-- Doel Sengupta

Friends

I've walked a lonely path till now

And many friends have appeared.

Now I seek to abandon small whims

Lest one more disappears.

That day as were driving by the sea

You held my hand and called me sweet

And sooner than I knew it my love

You escaped into the wilderness

And that was really tough.

I know some day again

You'll kiss me true

And I'll wipe off your tears

And drink your pain

So that you can dance about

And enjoy the rain.

That day is not far 

When victory bells toll

For a heart expanded

Instead of lying low.

Love is all there is really

That goes around

Everything else is a byproduct,

A life's lovely sound.

my only honey

By Doel Sengupta

I wish the hurt and pain never occured,

I wish I had never lost my mind

Peace is a treasure that has returns manifold

And these days that is where my energies lie.

I wish you were still there for me

Having you to caress and cajole

But nowadays the dogs bark all day

And this night is surely cold.

I wonder if you think about me Life

Where there is love that is where I find

That symphony of Love and Life are gold

It's a jewel that i wish to continually hold.

I think you know when I tell you sweet

Not having you near me brings on the heat

And try as I might now my efforts are small

But soon in the wild forests I stand tall.

Someone somewhere asked me for money

And I became protective and left being sunny

And in the evening when the crows caw

I regret losing my mind-- my biggest pause.

I love literally all of you

And not having you makes me so blue;

I want to tell you pretty neatly 

That decidedly I can't change you

But Ive changed myself

And that is all it takes,

A microsecond of prayer,

A whole box full of poetry

And one small dereliction within me

Is that you are my only honey.

A letter to my future self (4 years from now)

Dearest Doel of 2030,

How are you? You've arrived! And how!

Do you remember the fears and the heartaches of today 14.6.2026?

You must still be in touch with Arun!

And possibly there have been many attractions!

And possibly the pains of 14.6.2026 are not really there on 14.6.2030.

Many opportunities have come and you have held your own.

You must be sweeter, kinder, more courageous by now!

Today you start a job teaching English. You've got four casting calls in the past one month. Even though hope seems the only thing you are clinging on to there is so much to be grateful for.

Your parents are there. Your friends are there. There is food. There is money. There is love. There are clothes. And books. And resources. And the novel you are writing.

And then there is Arun.

How is all that today? I reckon everything is far sweeter and smoother by now.

Don't be lazy. Don't ever be lazy. And always remember how small you are in the realm of the whole universe. One whole universe by yourself but so miniscule in front of the gigantic wonderment of it all!

Love,

Me.

14.6 2026

Journal 14.6.2026 4.55 pm people are upset

Dear Journal,

Last night I spent time talking to Twi. I even arranged my cupboard to music. The evenings get quite cool even though there is no sign of the monsoons. At night I meditated. That is why may be I fell asleep easily.

I woke up at 7.51 today. I had my lemon juice, chanted, meditated, did yoga. It's discipline I'm cultivating.

I had sabu dana Khichdi for breakfast. Nobody quite makes sabu dana khichdi the way they made it in JNS.

I've had 6 cigarettes so far. I spoke to Shou who was upset with me and A Alam who was also upset but slightly more positive and genial.

I spent time researching topics. My mind drifted to Arun. I did quite love him deeply. May be I still do. But his wife and his many other women and his comparisons were too much. All these memories came flooding back because of some Gallery memories on my phone.

I read Daisaku Ikeda who really uplifts my spirits. Never lose courage. Always harbour hope. Be grateful. These are all newage mantras that take one a long way.

Buro and Sadhya came home. They got kulfi along with them. The kulfi was truly yum.

I got a call from a casting director for a series. This is just one call of many.

Plus tomorrow I start working.

No one quite knows what the future brings with it. I must abandon complaining and the megalomania that hits me sometimes that must be discarded.

I even spent some time listening to music-- all the songs I heard with Arun. I wonder how he is.

Now I'll chant and work on my novel.

I am feeling:

A cool breeze

Happy

Stable

Slightly sticky from sweat

A soft feeling of love in my heart

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for Arun, Ma, Pa, Buo, Sadhya and all the lovely friendships I have in life.

I am grateful for work and money.

I am grateful for food, shelter, clothes and everything that makes my life wonderful.

I am grateful that I got a call from Sunny the casting director. It shows somewhere someone has spotted me. Before time something should click.

I am grateful for fruits.

I am grateful for the kulfi I just had.

Love,

Me.

5.13 pm

Journal 13.6.2026 5.05 pm How is A?

Dear Journal,

I tossed and turned myself into sleep for about 3 hours. I finally fell asleep around 2 am. I woke up at 7.51 am.

I felt empty, kind of conflicted.

I drank my lemon juice, chanted, meditated, did some yoga and because I was feeling so caught up with a wave of drowsiness I smoked two cigarettes back to back. 

I've had 7 cigarettes so far.

Rati invited me to a premier of his movie but I can't go. So I wished him luck.

Then I ate noodles with a fried egg for breakfast. I wanted to read the news but I dosed off for about 30 minutes, waking up with a start.

My heart has kind of detached from Arun but my mind has not. He was on my mind all through the day.

I bought myself two dresses on sale. I'm a little cash-strapped but I haven't shopped in a while and temptation gave way.

Then I settled to research on things I could talk about in class. 

For lunch we had dal, jhinge posto and fish curry with rice and a mango. During lunch Ma urged me to save money when I earn. The savings target she set was an unbelievable percentage of my income. I think I'll save a smaller percentage. By September I should be able to pay Arun back all his money.

I watched something on how trees communicate and whales. I am enthralled by the wonders of Nature. I watched some other content-- I took back something from each video.

I will read Daisaku Ikeda, chant and write my novel now. I hope to catch Twi downstairs. She is nice to talk to.

I bumped into Kanchan aunty and she was worried about Ma's health. Ma has an upset stomach today.

It's been a good day. Complaint erases good fortune. Gratitude increases good fortune.

I am feeling:

A sort of heartache but a placid content feeling

Happy

A softened sense of love

Excited

Awake

Alert

Fresh

I am wearing my beige floral shirt with orange shorts. I will contribute to household expenses with my income. I don't really need to shop that much!

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for YouTube, Ted Talks, the internet, the wifi, my laptop and my phone. 

I hope Arun is doing well. I am grateful for loving harmonious relationships.

I am grateful for clothes. I should really buy longer dresses.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money.

I'm treating this job as an apprenticeship-- a learning and training ground and I'm grateful for all the experiences of my life.

Love,

Me.

5.26 pm

Journal 5.40 pm ist on 12.6.2026 I got the job

Dearest Journal,

Last night I spent some time with Twi. Even Sadhya and Buro came home. Sadhya complained about Buro but it's nothing serious. Buro came in looking tired and seriously tanned.

I went to sleep around 1 am. I woke up at 7.41 feeling a tad groggy. I did my lemon juice, chanting, meditation routine, stepped out to get some sun and did some light stretches. Ma was busy with Saurabh Bothra.

I had 4 cutlets for breakfast, had a bath and wore my AND orange shirt and brown trousers. I then sat with the news. Then I left for the interview.

The man I met was affable but worried. He said his business is down in the dumps. He then told me that I'm overqualified for the job. However, he offered me the job. The pay is peanuts but he said he'll double my salary if I do well and plus there are incentives. It's 6 pm now.

This is something I want to do. I'm best positioned when I can inspire the person in front of me. The place of my work is my Buddha land where I shìne brightest. I think this is a good opportunity. I start Monday.

I came home and researched about the things I could talk about. I went through some Ted Talks.

I had lau, dal, keema with rice and a mango for lunch. Duma has made me some sheera.

I watched more talks after lunch. Ma shouted at me over coffee consumption.

I think I need to change my heart towards my mother. Kind of perceive her differently, like a whole woman. She is strong but she has a tendency to be too aggressive. But she is loveable. Like when she dances these days to videos as exercise. She is a happy person.

The song Lilabali was stuck in my head all day long. I've had 6 cigarettes so far.

I think when the speech is pure the voice is golden, when the actions are pure and well-intentioned the body glows and when the mind is well-balanced, grateful, appreciative and happy there is strength.

I've stopped overthinking. Somehow writing about my feelings and thoughts in this journal has caused me to step back and observe my feelings and thoughts with awareness. So I think. Mostly over the stick. But I'm not ruminating so much these days.

I read a little Daisaku Ikeda too.

Now I'll chant and then work on my novel.

I just hope I have good energy for the work I'm meant to do and that my health supports me. The salary will also allow me to pay Arun back.

I am feeling:

Happy

Balanced

Centred

Slightly sticky

I find the breeze from the fan heavenly

Sweet

Focused

Determined

I am grateful that I've found work as a soft skills trainer. I think I will be able to perform really well at this job.

I am grateful for graceful loving relationships. 

I am grateful for food, shelter and money and work. They sustain me.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for my clothes, my footwear, my family, my home, my bed, my laptop, the internet and wifi.

I am grateful that I'm healthy.

I am grateful for society.

Love,

Me.

6.23 pm

Becoming

I sat and counted all my pennies 

And bought myself a chicken fry

And even though im losing attachment

I still love you so I could cry.

The other day I sat and wondered

How unbecoming I became

And now im paving the path

To many victories come storm or gale.

There is love on the horizon

And a plush preaching job

And with the whose who

I banter looking veritably tiptop.

I am the greatest of the greatest

The highest of the highs

And soon you enter my life 

So sweetly i could cry.

Now ive become stoic and clear

So pretty that I only see and hear

With a clear mind, a brand new gate

What is becoming now? Is this my fate?

Journal 6.23 pm on 11.6.2026 so much to be grateful for

Dear Journal,

It's Sonam's birthday today. I wished her. It's been so long. I just got off after massaging Ma's back. She has some tension in the hip area. She really enjoyed the massage. That makes me feel so good!

I went to sleep at 2 am last night. This late sleep cycle cannot continue. I woke up at 7 feeling foggy and groggy. I did my morning chanting and meditation and went out for a short walk. Then I came home and did a few yogasanas.

I'm wearing a short white dress with courduroy pants. I had upma for breakfast. I don't particularly like upma but this was yum.

I oil pulled and went in for a soothing bath. I oiled my hair. 

Then I consumed the news a bit. Then I settled down to send a few emails. Last night I sent Arun a message that I deleted in the morning. I wonder how he is? 

I got an interview call today. I hope for the best!

I had shaag, chokha, cauliflower, and fish curry with rice for lunch. I polished it off with a mango. It was truly yum.

Having a few tasks to do each day makes the day more manageable. I settled down to watch Ted Talks.

Oh yes! Ma completely lost it in the morning again. And I reacted badly reducing me to tears. I think Ma probably has stresses on her mind. Probably related to me. That is why she flushes out her frustrations on me. I should really appreciate her more and not get into a negative loop everytime there is an altercation.

I'll sit and write my novel now and read Daisaku Ikeda. I saw some very interesting Ted Talks-- on neuroplasticity, on designing your life, on creating luck, on appreciation. Once in a while Ted Talks is really good.

I really want to surmount obsessive thoughts. I think a big part of my breakup with Arun was that I got obsessed with him. It derailed my entire life.

Now Novel. Then reading.

I am feeling:

Heart hurt but loving

Breathing cleanly

Reasonably tanned and pretty

Happy

I am so grateful for the interview call I got today.

I am grateful that I got the chance to massage Ma's back. I love bonding with my loved ones.

I am grateful for Ted Talks. I learn so much from them.

I am grateful that I know some day I can call Arun up. That we are not not on talking terms like that.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I each day; for shelter; for money and work. I am grateful for the many ways Modelley and Duma serve us making our lives easier.

Melon and Kitoo are here. Im grateful for their innocent presence.

I am grateful for the web. It's made life so much easier.

I am grateful for beautiful relationships.

I am grateful for my depth and my sensitivity and my heart and my beautiful soul.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for my good health. 

I am grateful that I can increasingly easily follow my thoughts and feelings pass.

I am grateful for the flow with which I am writing my novel. It's just the first draft.

I am grateful for all the experiences of my life.

I am grateful for all the people who have graced my life and for the ones who are about to enter.

I am grateful for God's infinite, love, grace and blessings on my life.

There is so much beauty in my life!

Love,

Me.

Love letter to myself 8.20 am on 11.6.2026 you are forming self belief

Dear self, dear love,

Just hold on with grit, with courage, with compassion! The best is yet to come. You don't see it right away but many paths are opening up before you as many doors have shut. So hold on I say to embrace a bright beautiful dawn in your life!

Embrace courage, embrace success, embrace victory!

You know I love you from the core of my being. There is none like you, not a soul. Your unique mix of love, kindness, self awareness are rare!

Don't be scared of the responsibility that comes with success. Today is a bright new day so embrace it I say; live it out to the fullest in all grandiosity, in all good fortune!

Sometimes it takes a while before things can work out. So be patient. That is what life is asking of you.

I know you feel shame over your mental health issues. I know sometimes you feel crippled by the guilt but I'm here to hold your hand, to guide you through another day. Just put your hand in mine and let's embark on this wonderful journey of life.

Your family loves you. I know you feel sad over Arun. Well may be he didn't have the capacity to hold your love. You've come a long way since then.

Your novel is turning out better than expected.

Your work will also build up smoothly.

You are a guide for those who need light, succour for those who need love and beautiful things will happen to you in life.

Life is good believe me.

Pour in extra gratitude for all your good fortune! Be grateful that you have a family to support you. Be grateful that you have people to talk to.

I understand it's been pretty difficult. 

The next time you get into a romantic entanglement protect your heart, protect your self interests.

Talking of interests you are the most interesting person I know-- you write poetry, you write, you paint, you do Tarot, you've been an actress. In other words you are forming. Not judgments but self belief. Anyone who has received your giant heart is lucky! It's just that you don't see it that way.

Career breakthroughs are enroute, love is on its way, self-healing is happening with awareness and the love of life.

Embrace this day fully! It's a beautiful day!

And what's not to love about you-- you are sweet, intelligent, kind, vicacious, funny and diligent. Be happy I say-- not just today, but in each moment.

Love,

Me.

8.42 am

Journal 1 am 11.6.2026 I wonder

Dear Journal,

I'm far away from sleep tonight. I'm just not feeling sleepy.

I wrote my novel today and chanted and smoked lots of cigarettes.

I love my brother.

I love my mother.

I love my father.

All of them are trying hard to live their lives to the fullest. After years of a relationship one goes quiet.

Ma is working so hard to be happy.

I wonder if Arun is seriously seeing someone? Mostly given how he is I'm sure he is.

I am feeling a sense of solitude, a heartache, a cleansing of my soul.

I am feeling:

Heavy

Sleepless

Fresh

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.05 am

Journal 3.47 pm on 10.6.2026 i started my ssri again

Dear Journal,

I started my SSRIs again. I slept rather late last night. Around 1 am. I spent some time with Twi.

I woke up today at 6.48 am feeling groggy and drowsy. I saw a dream that I don't clearly remember. I drank my lemon honey juice and chanted and meditated. Then half in a daze I stepped out for my walk. I was feeling so tired today. I decided to take it easy.

I went to the Jain temple today. I've had 6 cigarettes so far. I did just about 10 minutes of yoga because I couldn't exert more.

I ate sabudana with egg and drank a cup of tea for breakfast. Then I bathed and wore my black and white chiffon top with blue trousers. Ma said I was looking nice. I really love my mother.

I lightly browsed through the news. Then I was just idling about and wrote a letter each to Dadu and Dimma. I have Dimma's softness and Dadu's grit and tenacity.

I had shaag and chickener jhol with rice with a mango.

I studied Daisaku Ikeda. Then after lunch I browsed through my journal. I went through a few old entries. I gathered that Arun left me just high and dry and diminished my worth in doing so. I'm actually happy with the space and the distance. Sometimes I think about him but the attachment is loosening. I think he was too flaky and a tad shallow and he did not handle my heart and my emotions with care. With all his limitations he did try and for that I give him credit. I expect that some day we shall talk but the old dynamic won't return. It'll be a brand new dynamic.

I think this evening I'll skip my walk again. Instead I'll go and spend time with Twi. One small time block for my novel is due.

I expect this year to pan out better than I expected. I'm far from the depression I experienced at the start of this year.

In naming my feelings and in observing my thoughts I feel more grounded and realistic.

I've been rather rude to people. I think I should pray about it. I should pray for clarity and forgiveness. Chanting keeps me happy.

I threw all my glutathione pills because they had expired. Need to purchase more.

I'll make myself a cup of tea and sit for a bit with my novel. Just a little effort. A tiny push is all I need. Just a little effort each day to accomplish this mammoth task.

I feel guilty about my delusions. I must always take my medication.

Ma has been in a reasonably good mood today. Melon and Kitoon are home.

Sometimes all one needs is some gentleness and if that is not forthcoming from the environment one needs to handle the self with gentleness and care. Love is all I need and money.

Today has been a day of rest and taking things lightly. I didn't push myself in any one direction today. I spent time with my journal.

I think I'm a fairly good writer. I write with feeling. My novel! I don't know how that is turning out.

Tomorrow too I won't go out to meet people. Two days of rest is good.

It's going to be a good good evening!

I am feeling:

Happy

Light

Sweaty

Tanned

Grounded

Realistic

In a writing mood.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships of mutual trust, care, respect, love and compassion.

I am grateful for yummy food, a comfortable shelter, money and work.

I am grateful for clothes and yoga and walking and praying.

I am grateful for all the wonderful authors I read.

I am grateful for writing.

I am grateful for friendships.

Love,

Me.

4.18 pm

Letter to Dadu 1.21 pm ist on 10.6 2026 playing sports on the playground of life

My dearest darlingest Dadu,

How goes it? Where have you been reborn? With eyes that see and senses that perceive I know that you must have been born in the company of Buddhas.

I always tell all my friends how my grandfather served in the Ministry of Commerce and was a fellow of the United Nations!

There is a saying that when at work do the work of three! I think you quietly and stoically embodied that. I have a lot to learn from you.

I am taking my medication and missing you. Your lifebuoy soap smell, your practicality, your stories. 

I still remember the hockey stick and mouth organ you gifted me when I was small. I never really grew up to play hockey but I've been playing enough sports on the playground of life. Sometimes I skip with joy, sometimes I plunge into grief but no matter what I am always dancing and moving.

I wish for you too to be more dynamic than that wherever you may be.

I wonder how you are. I pray for you and Dimma with concern each day. I want you two to always encounter favourable circumstances.

I'm quite an ordinary girl. Nothing so special about me. And I've been quietly humbled by life. Life has bludgeoned me with blows at times that were almost to hard to bear and yet I stand and I walk and I skip and I jump and contour ever onward!

I'll never give up! That's my motto! Always looking ahead, always forging ahead! Because this is what I learnt from you.

I miss you. I miss kissing you. You would have been enormously old today. Death is a part of life. What we take forward into our next lives is all our karma. You have good karma.

I'm polishing mine to shine bright!

Love,

Me.

1.33 pm

Letter to Dimma 12.26 pm ist on 10.6.2026 I miss you

Dearest Deemom, my shona, my love,

I miss you so. It's been well over 25 years since I lost you and I really miss your company.

You are definitely the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on.

You would be so pained to see me today.

Where are you? Have you been reborn in a Buddha land? I pray for you unflinchingly each day that wherever you may be you'll only encounter favourable circumstances.

I've been struggling Dimma. I've had my fair share of grappling with anxiety, delusions and depression. This year I sent mass messages to my friends in a fit of delusion. I've suffered quite a bit you know shona. And I'm trying. I'm trying really hard.

I've been earning money on the side reading Tarot and currently I'm looking for a job. I want to work as a soft skills trainer. That would be so nice! To encourage and give hope to the youth!

You know Dimma I have no one to really talk to these days. I think of you less often these days but each day I pray for you.

I've painted some wonderful works of art. I wish I could show them to you. I think I'll gift my paintings to my friends. On days of love we mark together to give a solemn gift of a poem and a painting would be so nice!

I miss Dadu too. Dadu's pragmatism, his unflinching support and love.

I have hope Dimma. And I am determined to give life my best shot.

I'm currently working on a novel and I am in tears today thinking about you. I love you my mishti doi Deemom.

I miss counting your greys.

For all the specialness and ghamand I had these days I feel quite the ordinary. Nothing extraordinary. And there is virtue in that.

I still havent found someone to love who would love me back. I'm not searching. 

On a fresh bright dewey morning I know the person will appear.

Right now I'm a little pained, a little hurt, a little sniffling. And I wish I could hold your hands in mine and kiss your blessed hands.

I worked for 12 days back to back non-stop. Today I'm taking it easy.

I want to spend time writing my novel today.

How are you Dimma? I trust you are well and happy wherever you may be. The world has changed a lot since I was small when I nestled in your bosom. The life lessons you have taught me hold me in good stead.

Now I'll get on with my day.

Love,

Buri.

Something divine

You come up to me

On a smooth buttery morning

With offers of love

And no forewarning.

The kisses are deep,

The heart is true

As accepted

As I am despite the blues.

It's a fairly dense

Okay day

When all I want

Is to talk and play.

The conversations

Are golden,

The soup is hot

And very soon

With me you have got

Love's clear principle

Defined on

A smooth buttery morning--

Something divine.

Journal 5.33 pm ist on 9.6.2026 edgy, hot and frustrated

Dear Journal,

I had a paritcularly gruelling day. There is a backdrop of stress in the mind and the breathing is heavy. I am feeling particularly tired today and need rest.

I woke up at 6 from a vivid dream that I described in my morning post. Then I settled with my lemon water and honey and chanted and meditated. After that I set off for a long walk. My feet firmly hit the concrete pathway and I was aware of the different kinds of birds flitting about me. A Gulmohar tree I see enroute is in blossom. It reminded me of my childhood days when I played king king with its buds with Guddi.

I came back and Ma had left for Bu's place. I did 40 minutes of yoga. I had poha with egg poach for breakfast with a cup of tea.

Then I bathed and wore my brown houndstooth top and brown trousers. I settled with the news.

Around 10.40 I left for a meeting. But the people I was supposed to meet didn't turn up. Arrrgh! I walked for about half an hour in the sweltering sun to reach a metro station. Then I came back home.

I was so tired by this excursion that I lay down for about half an hour.

Then I settled to work on my resume and send a few emails. I wanted to write my novel but was so fatigued that I put it off.

I had begun kumro bhaja, dal, fish curry and rice for lunch. I read Daisaku Ikeda and Helen Keller.

I also spent considerable time on social media today. Social media can be helpful but its tidbits could also be a waste of time as one doesnt really assimilate much from what one has seen.

Ma's outburst yesterday loomed in the backdrop of my mind. Ever since I've known Ma which has been all my life she has been aggressive and particularly harsh on me.

Arun is also much like this. Loveable but difficult to love.

I kind of feel enough is enough. I should distance myself from Ma. She is quite The Toxic. All these thoughts today caused me to feel stressed out.

Do I respect Ma? Enough to entertain her but not particularly as a person. I think she's too mental without compassion... all intellect with less heart. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should be able to respect and love my mother. But she hasn't earned that respect and is hard to love. I also thought about Arun's insults on me. I don't think I need that kind of toxicity.

Why is it that the people who you love and who are supposed to love you back are sometimes so hard to love and be with?

I sat down to chant but ended up checking social media. I did not go for my evening walk today because it's been an exasperatingly frustrating and hot day! I think I need rest.

I'll chant now and work on my novel.

The most important thing in life is to never give up and to always hope. So I haven't given up on Ma. But she has proven far too often that she is not here to be friends with me.

Also in terms of career I remain undaunted. Efforts will bear fruit! It's just a matter of time. To always strive the hardest that's the mantra!

Pa is so awfully quiet. He hides so many secrets.

I think I need to work on my resume.

I smoked 7 cigarettes today. That's a bit much!

I have to strive hard. Now is the time! My hardest. My best foot forward! Onward!

I am feeling:

Edgy

Slightly stressed

Hot

Sticky

Slightly tired

Slightly hurt

Slightly heavy-hearted

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that I have learnt to observe my thoughts and my feelings.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money.

I am grateful for loving relationships.

Love,

Me.

6 04 pm

Ps: I am not very happy with myself. I need to put in better efforts and rest more. I wish I had a better relationship with Ma.

Journal 6.13 am ist 9.6.2026 a dream of a baby called Rudrashish

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream where there were children of many ages. Parshva comes holding a baby (his own). He tells me the baby's name is Rudrashish and I tell him that is my little brother Buro's name. He recounts Buro's insta handle @rudrashishnew... then i see Buro addressing a press conference. He has a baby too. Parshva speaks to one of the children. The child's name is Kishen. There is some greenery.

I slept rather late last night. I was tossing and turning. I spent the evening using AI. AI is a real bhoolbhulaiya. Ai puts your mind in a tizzy.

I went to sleep in a negative frame of mind from Ma's altercation with me yesterday. I felt that Ma truly hates me. May be she has been hurt by me. That made me feel very broken-hearted and alone.

Now I'll get on with my day. To savour the lemon juice with honey. 

I am feeling:

Alert

Sweaty

Smelly

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for this beautiful glorious morning.

I am grateful for my lemon juice with honey. 

Love,

Me.

6.19 am

Journal 6.52 pm ist on 8.6.2026 an altercation, a trip

Dear Journal,

I just returned from a longish walk. I didn't think much during the walk kind of brisking it through. I went to the beach and spent about 5 minutes there. All about me were families and couples revelling. There is a mild level of subliminal stress oweing to an altercation with Ma in the morning. The air was breezy this evening and the waves raged with thorough power. All in all I feel rejuvenated.

In the morning I woke at 5.41 am. I slept an unbroken sleep. I quickly gulped down my lemon juice with honey and proceeded to chant and meditate. Then to embrace the glorious morning I donned my walking shoes and stepped out for my walk.

The air was crisp and heavy. The eaŕly morning dewey perfume from the foliage around me engulfed my olfactory senses. It was a fresh morning and I was in a good mood.

(The phone has been acting up. I just switched it off and switched it on.)

I went to the temple and then had my first cigarette.

I came home and ate a banana and a mango and set to 40 minutes of yogasanas. The left side of my pelvic girdle is stiff. For the past few days I've been finding it difficult to sit in sukhasana leave alone padmasana! My yoga session was rejuvenating.

I ate a breakfast of chila with a cup of tea. Ma came back from her walk. She was hungry and fried herself some Goan Pork sausages. And then over something so minor she completely lost it and went beserk. She shouted, she screamed, she pointed fingers, she shook her whole body in rage. She was so aggressive! She even shut the door on my face and refused to open it!

That brought me to tears. Ever since I was small Ma has been insulting like this. She has physically scarred me for life. I think she has some underlying undiagnosed mental health problem. She is a little too aggressive. The mood this altercation left me in was negative. Sometimes some people in life can be quite difficult! Ma is far from gentle.

I tried to not smoke a cigarette after this stressful repartee. Instead I had a bath and wore my light blue with white stripes shirt and denims. Then I buried myself in the news. Instead of escaping my feelings from this fight I accepted all the negative emotions that came with it. This caused the negativity to linger all day.

I then packed in a bottle of water, wore my cap and headed out to Adarsh Nagar for a meeting. I took a bus on the way there and the Metro on my way back. It was hot and sweltering. Thank God I had the bright idea to wear my cap. I handed my resume to the lady I met and chatted with her briefly. She smiled and said she would call me.

I came home to Melon, Kittoo, Ma, Pa and an airconditioned room. I sat and sent emails. I ate posto bata which was yum, dal with chorchori, macher tel with rice. I polished it off with a mango. Then I lay and rested for about 15 minutes.

I also worked on my novel today.

I read Daisaku Ikeda, and a chapter of Helen Keller's autobiography. Then I made myself a cup of tea and chanted. Then I walked. And here I am.

There is a belief in Buddhism: "Illnesses arise when evil karma is being dissipated." I've been thinking about my own struggles with mental health-- my delusionary thoughts, my racing mind, my thinking I'm someone more special than I am and then the snapping out of it and coming back to reality and embracing life anew. God has given me so many blessings. I ought not to blame Him in giving me this slight predilection. I think three things have been holding me steady-- chanting, walking and yoga and I intend to keep up this practice for the rest of my life.

I am an ordinary girl. Super ordinary.

Today Mrs Kampani caught me in the midst of it all and said she wants to do yoga with me in the mornings! That should be fun! She has been rather unwell. She is one of a kind.

Ma has made me a cup of tea. I'll go have that now. I hope to have memorable moments with my loved ones.

I am feeling:

Happy

Peaceful

Sweaty

Grimy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.37 pm

Journal 6.26 pm ist 7.6.2026 a mild irritation

Dear Journal,

Ma is currently attending Saurabh Bothra's online yoga session in the 604 Hall where I am sprawled on the carpet.

I just got back from a half an hour-long walk. I stepped on to the beach for a bit. The tide was high and the waves were torrential. The grey expanse of the Arabian Sea hides so many wonders. I wonder how many species of birds are spotted in Mumbai and where the tidepools are on the beach. Nature will never cease to amaze me. I love greenery. I love birds. I love animals.

On my route were about a dozen roosters who were doodling and cockadoodledooing.

In the morning I woke up around 5.57 am. I slept rather late yesterday as sleep was not forthcoming. I kept tossing and turning till I actually fell asleep around 11 pm. I had an unbroken sleep.

I woke up, had my lemon juice and chanted and meditated. I then headed out for a long walk. I then went to the Jain Temple. There were so many multitudes of crows flitting about!

I came home and had a mango and a banana. I headed to the carpet for a half an hour-long yoga session. I bathed and wore my blue tie and dye top and denims. I read the News for about one hour.

Then I set about shortlisting a list of places where I have interviews. From tomorrow I'll be on the road. I must apply adequate sunscreen and carry water.

Through the day Ma irritated me with her raucousness, her anger, the way she ate her lunch. My mind went to See Dhi and her negativity. I realised that I am too biased and I must let people be. I can't fight the irritation I feel but I can definitely accept people for who they are. Earning money is not the only thing in life even though it's a huge part of life. Life must be lived holistically. A good life is a well-balanced life.

I ate dal, fish kofta and aloo potol for lunch.

Then I settled with Daisaku Ikeda, Strunck and Helen Keller. I chanted and here I am after a long walk.

The weather is hot and humid. I feel so drenched and sweaty.

I've been watching Single Papa on Netflix. It's a simple sweet story-- a one time watch. I think Ma could be depressed. She seems to just be on her phone all day. I love her.

The mind is a marvel and must be mastered. Conquer it I will! You can't always trust your thoughts, especially when they run amuck.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Sticky

Happy

Have a mild heavy head from the heat.

I've been keeping myself hydrated.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships.

I am grateful for food, shelter, work and money. 

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for my brother who I adore. I wish him well from the core of my being.

Love,

Me.

6.56 pm

Journal 6.43 pm ist on 6.6.2026 I auditioned

Dear Journal,

I've had eight cigarettes today. That's a bit much! I had an audition today. More on that in a bit.

I woke up at 1.27 am then again at 3.03 am and dosed till 6.29 am. I was up bright and alert with a faint foreboding in my heart. I woke up with a heavy heart.

I remember dreaming of me being in some village with some village ka chokras. It was a dull black and white dream.

I woke up and had my lemon juice with honey. Then I set off to one hour of chanting and meditation. After that I wore my sneakers and headed off for a half an hour long walk to the cooing of birds. There were many people jogging on the roads. That kind of inspired me to jog too.

Then I had my first cigarette and visited the Jain temple.

I came home and exerted myself in half an hour of yoga.

Then without bathing today I ate my breakfast and set about job hunting. I found some interesting jobs on the list today.

I was at it for about two hours. Duma was not supposed to come today so I set into a nice warm 20 minute bath and shampoo.

I wore my mint green chikankari kurta and applied light makeup for my audition in Chitrakoot Studios. Allu Arjun was shooting right there. I think my audition went off pretty well. They said that if I'm selected I'd have to get rid of my red streaks. I bumped into Raj Jha over there and we bantered a bit. Then I took the Metro home.

I came home to give a job interview and a test and was feeling quite fatigued. In the middle of my interview Pa rang the doorbell and disturbed me. I had to open the door to him.

Lunch was beans, sindhi kadi, beguner kalia and jeera rice. I ate a full lunch today.

By the time I finished it was 3 pm. I had one cigarette and set down for a ten minute rest. I was feeling so tired from the sweat and the hot sun.

Then I read Daisaku Ikeda, William Strunck which can be a little dry and three chapters of Helen Keller's autobiography. 

Then I chanted for some time and headed off for a half an hour-long walk.

A barking leaping dog has been obstructing my route for the past two days right near FTC. So today I took a detour. I came home all sweaty and wet.

Ma is a little weak from her fever. My parents are golden.

I remembered Arun today. His long black hair, his sweet smelling face, his interesting banter.

I even read the news today. I spent much time reading Features in HT.

I am feeling:

Hot

Slightly sweaty and salty

Happy

Heart light with love

In a good mood

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the variety of jobs my search is throwing up.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money and work.

I am grateful for loving relationships. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to give an audition today.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for yoga, exercise and the wonders of Nature.

I am grateful for books.

Love,

Me.

7.03 pm

Journal 7.00 pm ist 5.6.2026 self belief goes a long way

Dear Journal,

The electricity bill is so high this month! Whenever a job turns up I intend to contribute to household expenses. I must and I will!

I smoked 5 cigarettes today and drank oodles of tea.

Self belief goes a long way! And even a tiny sliver of hope is enough to tide one through choppy waters. And the most important thing is to be realistic. And loving. And kind.

There is enough trouble in the world. One kind word could make all the difference.

My mind was not really into the job search today. I was tired from yoga and walking in the morning and delaying that first cigarette made me feel a little fogged.

Despite that I job-hunted till lunchtime. 

I ate rice with dal, a carrot bean veggie, jhinge posto and aloo fry. It was all so yum.

Then I read a few short stories, O Henry's Gift of the Magi being a repeat. I started reading Hellen Keller's autobiography, completing 5 chapters. I read Daisaku Ikeda. I worked on my novel. I chanted and prayed.  Then I headed out for a long sweaty evening walk with all the filmy crowd lining the streets.

I came home to sunset. Ma and I had a slight riff raff over whether the lights should be switched on.

I settled with Hellen Keller's autobiography again.

I even perused William Strunck a bit.

Yesterday I started watching a Netflix series called Single Papa. I'll watch the second episode now.

The days seem effortless and easy.

Sometimes the brain is overstimulated and alert but it's all good.

Ma is in much better health. She is looking so pretty as she is headed out. She has worn her green pants with a black kurta. Pretty mom.

Melon has just come back from his evening walk. Kit's nails have been clipped and his scratches are painless at the moment.

A hot cup of chicken soup awaits me.

I am feeling:

Loving

Kind

Sobre

Clear-minded

Smelling good

Focused

I am grateful for God's infinite Love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for loving relationships. I am grateful for Melon and Kit.

I am grateful for my daily sustenance of food and beverages. I am grateful for shelter.

I am grateful for money and work. I cracked one interview but the job is tentative. The search goes on.

I am grateful for clothes.

I am grateful for oil.

I am grateful for yoga and exercise.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for Linkedin.

I am grateful for my laptop and wifi.

I am grateful for my phone.

Love,

Me.

7.19 pm

Journal 5.6.2026 9.38 am ist there is and there only is

 Dear Journal,

I woke up around 4 am ist and switched off the AC. THEN WITH MY LEFT LEG FEELING NUMB I FELL ASLEEP TILL 5.57 am.

I chanted and meditated for about an hour. Then I made myself a smooth hot cuppa and headed out for a half an hour long walk. I came back home and gave myself a sort of facial around 8 and then begrudgingly I stepped out for my first cigarette. I went and prayed at the Jain temple.

Then I came home and did half an hour of yoga and pranayama. The mind is alert and awake.

I ate 3 uttapams or chilas with curd and a mango for breakfast. There is not much in the news.

I could have lived in a world where I hadn't met Arun and that would have been a dismal world. I'm so much the happier to have met him.

I'm just sitting to work. It should be a good day.

Ma is pottering about with the plants and all that.

I am feeling:

Heavy breathed

Happy

Slightly irritable

Full of love

Alert and awake

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.45 am ist

Journal 6.58 pm ist on 4.6.2026 It's already Thursday!

Dear Journal,

I have no excuses to make. It's already Thursday. The week has just whooshed by.

Out of all the things I've done and all the things I've experienced the ones that stand dearest in memory are the ones spent in loving relationships. Moments of love are to be cherished.

I've had many friends and I've grappled with my expressiveness, growing up awkward. However, given all the embarrassing details in life I have simply no regrets. I have a clear conscience. And today my heart feels light.

After due reflection, I've decided to not chase a single person or thing. Whatever will be will be. The peace of mind I'm left with is unnegotiable. And my heart full of love! What should I do with it?

After finishing yoga, chanting and meditation in the morning. I settled with my job search. I smoked a cigarette early which I regret. I've smoked 6 cigarettes today.

I got two interview calls today. These AI driven interviews are so complicated and so full of jargon. After giving a lengthy test I was so fagged out that I shut the laptop and headed to lunch at 2.

Sadhya came with Melon and Kittoo. She was all fresh and smelling good.

I ate karela pumpkin, jhinge posto data, tok dal with a fish fry. I didn't really stuff myself today but later I had a bowl of tok dal.

I spent time with Melon and Kittoo. I had 5 cups of black tea today with the last cup savoured with coconut cake.

Then I chanted. I even read Daisaku Ikeda and William Strunk. William Strunk is helpful and definitely not a one-time read.

Then at 6 I headed out for a half-an-hour long walk and came back and did some yoga with Ma watching some video in the background.

I played with Alyssa who was playing with the cats. I also chatted with Maddy.

It's 7.13 pm now and my day is done. I think I'll watch a movie now on Netflix. I hope Arun is well.

Love is the only antidote to all the ills of the world.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Fresh

Accomplished

Clear-headed

Bright and alert

A slight thirst

I am grateful for all the yummy food I eat each day, for this beautiful home of ours and my work.

I am grateful that I enjoy taking long walks in Nature.

I am grateful for yoga and praying. 

I am grateful for all my loving relationships.  I am grateful for Melon and Kitoon.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

7.20 pm

Journal 4 6 2026 11 24 am ist against all odds

Dear Journal,

I choose love. I choose optimism. I choose forgiveness. I choose compassion.

Today I woke up a little after 6. Ive smoked 3 cigarettes so far. Yesterday I smoked a bit too much.

I chanted, meditated, did yoga, went for two rounds of walks. I took a walk in the lane near Arun's building. 

I'm wearing my pista green kurta with a navy blue salwar.

I really want to quit cigarettes. I really really do. It's so hot.

I played with that beautiful grey eyed orange cat.

The pelican like wood-looking bird was at the window again.

I've had two cups of tea.

I've been at it looking for work since 9.

Sometimes I feel like I'm working against all odds. Sometimes it's a little difficult. I have a little money.

My heart is filled with love so deep I don't know what to do with it.

I think I'll read the news now and do a little yoga. I want to contribute to the house.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I hope to utilise each moment graciously and judiciously.

I'm reasonably happy.

In the morning Ma just lashed out at me for no reason at all. She can be quite unreasonable. I kissed her because well, I love her.

I am grateful that my limbs still move.

I am grateful that I still feel and look youthful.

I am grateful for good health. 

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my relationships.

It's such a beautiful wonderful life!

I am feeling:

Happy

Oxygenated

Full of deep love

Sweaty

Ressonably pretty

Clean

I am sitting in the 604 hall.

I'll do a few yogasanas, read the news and write. I'll be on my laptop working till 4,5.

Love,

Me.

11.37 am

He

By Doel Sengupta

His smile is wicked and bewtiching

His laugh is jeering and sneering

Raucous, sometimes warm sometimes cold

And on his own thoughts he has little hold.

His vision is clear and pristine,

His heart a wild forest of blooms

Of fragrances so tempered and enlivening,

His criticisms are dry and doomed.

He lives in a world much larger than himself

And when he falls he kneels and portends;

He is buttery smooth in his affections

And wandering in his imaginations.

His hair is silken and sweaty

His words don't need more brevity;

His eyes are kind and mischeivous

And his dreams are long golden and glorious.

Weaknesses he has many,

Strengths are also not few,

He despises greenery 

For that I loathe him

And his must is often perfumed.

I wish I'd known better than to fall for him,

I wish I'd known better than to recite and despise

Meself and me meanderings so nice

I wish I'd known how to add less spice.

His tales have me enthralled,

His voice is hard and harsh

As are his encouragements

Be caught dead off the lark.

I think I'll note him down in memory

As someone I truly understood;

For now I'm done with longing 

And I think for that I'm good.

Choosing simplicity

By Doel Sengupta

It must have been some mad dereliction

Or some greed for name and fame

Or a lacklustre wonder of direction

That love had me and I would not tame.

Into the boozy brothels of shame and deceit,

Into the gaze that locks eyes to kisses,

Into the guiles and facades of longing

Unto heaving sighs and a heart that misses

Into those tales that make great parodies

Unto the joys of hope and delight

Till the last break of dawn I clasp

That wisping flame that was ignited.

I wander into the streets of pressure cookers

And I play with beings that jump with spright;

Sometimes I wonder if being a decent looker

Could rake off the band from the wagon on high.

I think I'm done with such infatuous passions

That imagination oft does newly fashion

Into the simplest way of living and being

With memories of smells and reprieves.

Journal 8.42 pm ist on 3.6.2026 it's slow and drawling

Dear Journal,

I smoked ten cigarettes today. I job hunted till about 4. I called Arun. He called me back. We barely spoke.

I reminisced about Pa Pa and De Jh. They both were too clingy and too demonstrative in their affections and I just wasnt interested. I think I was a tad too rude with DeJh. Why do men chase women like this? It's so uncouth. And unwelcome. And putting off.

My periods have begun.

I reflected a lot today and had lots of tea. I chanted. I meditated. I bathed a while ago after a longish walk. Ma seems in better health.

In a world riddled with jealousy I think I should bless all. People could really do with my blessings. And that is what I always do.

There is this cute old cat in the building with light grey eyes. I call him Cherry. Ive fallen in love with him. Kitoon has amber greenish eyes. Beautiful. 

On my evening walk a bouyant labrador started jumping and playing with me. It scared me a little frankly. Reminds me of Simboom who was my Dino.

I read a bit of Elements of Style. My grammar has gotten rusty.

I'll eat dinner now and snooze.

I am grateful for all Life's small and great blessings and this immense love in my heart. I am grateful for food, money, shelter, good relationships.

I am feeling:

A little parched

Clean because of my bath

Don't want to turn in so quick. It's just 9. I think I'll read and write.

I love my parents, brother and Sadhya.

Love,

Me.

8.54 pm ist

Journal 12 54 pm ist 3.6.2026 I am not embarrassed

Dear Journal,

I fear not a thing in the world today. I have faced the worst. And yet I tread carefully and blithely because a broken heart is hard to mend.

People have called me mad and denounced me and nothing could be worse. But my self esteem and self belief are still intact and I know going ahead nothing can stop me.

Without the imaginary conversations I've written in this blog I would not have been able to tide through May 2026. I am happy with the art I've produced this year. I am not embarrassed of the videos I've uploaded on Facebook because they are an expression of my expressiveness.

Arun had called me some time last month. I will call him when my hurt heart has healed. I still love him dearly. What's not to love.

I want to read something. But nothing interests me. Might start Dorian Gray. (It's exactly 1 pm).

Ma has been unwell and she has been in a harsh mood.

When we don't get what we want which is quite a lot of the times in life instead of becoming despondent it's quite vital to look at the heart of the matter most logically and reasonably and try again. In the end it's about never giving up.

I love my father. He is such a noble gentleman.

The house is filled with honey. Yummy.

Today I woke up all alert at 5 41 am and in an hour it started to pour torrentially.

Ive been smoking far fewer cigarettes. In single digits. This is an end to my higheity on cigarettes into sobriety. Ive spent too much money on the idiotic urine stick.

Pa bought me the extra cool eucalyptus oil that burns. It's awesome.

Today I spent time looking for Remote working opportunities.

I want to be sobre. I want to be good.

The most important thing in life is good health. And more important than that is being realistic and kind-hearted.

I'm feeling good being sobre.

After spending hours online today I went towards Arun's building and took walks in the hot sun without cigarettes. I wish the pollution would ease.

Today a wood pelican with yellow eyes came to the window. I have been sighting strange birds. Must be the rains!

Before I could click a picture the bird flew away!

Now I think I will meditate for a bit and read Dorian Gray. Then I have a script idea... I'll toy with that or job hunt again.

It's so easy to be sobre. It's almost like you reach a tipping point and then you've had enough of the higheity.

I have been keeping mostly to myself. Yesterday I took a long walk into DMart and back and on my way back bumped into a dog with a broken leg and torn ear not for the first time. I've seen this dog many times. And I wish I could do something for it. My heart goes out to it. I so love this dog. It keeps coming to me and nudges me on my evening walks.

I wonder how Ayesha's exams went. I'll ask her this evening.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Happy

Dry skinned

Wet with sweat

High on tea

Full of love

1 20 pm ist

Busy

Doel Sengupta presents......

Eyes caught in a slow dance

At your slightest littlest chance

And sooner than I can think

I am invited to many dinners

And then when I sing nice

I look like the Queen of Might

And many people beseech

Looking to me for relief

Requesting me to accord

And I willingly fill the record

And there is so much work really

And so many friends to meet.

Is it that when our eyes were caught

In the slow dance you ceased to cheat?

Today as I type in words many many

People send invites and sooner

Than I know Im busier than a termite.

Conversations Simboom Meldon Foxey Kitoon 6.27 am ist on 3.6.2026

Simboom: Shona... my shona... shona

Meldon: misthi mookhwali

Kitoon: cutie pie with the best feet

Foxey: there has been no rebirth for quite some time

Journal 6.16 am ist on 3.6.2026 I dont know what to say

Dear Journal,

I woke up around 5.41 am ist today feeling distinctly cheated ste. Last to last night I had a dream where I saw Van's father and he was confused whether he should play Mikki Shona.

Today I feel less love in my heart. Because I distinctly feel cheated upon.

Yesterday I tried to curb my smoking. I did not chant till 8 pm ist. Instead in the afternoon I wrote something. Then I listened to music.

Pa got me the extra strong navratna oil. I really want my eyesight back and I want work.

Then in the evening I went down for a walk and I did not smoke.

At night I sent Q the play. Then I had two cigarettes. Then I dosed after blog chatting for a while.

Things cant be forced. When you force someone he/she is likely to run away.

Arun left me just like that. He doesnt talk to me. I might as well see things for what they are.

I want work.

I am grateful for Mother Nature's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I have applied besan and curd on my face and a fly is hovering about.

I am feeling:

Loveless

Happy

Calm

Collected

6.26 am ist

Conversation with Quasar 6.02 am ist on 3.6.2026

Quasar: Im sorry. I read your message in the morning. Im reading your play.

Me: Thanks! What do you mean you dont know Toral... how does she have your house keys?

Q: Im sorry... I dont know what to say... actually I used to work with her in this business but we have fallen out for quite some time

Me: ok

Conversation with Buo Bascha, Simboom, Meldon, Kitoon 12.04 am ist on 3.6.2026

Buo Bashcha: I had the best pudding today. And the kebabs were so yum. The match was good. And the beer was yum. Came home. Now ill sleep soon. Please keep doing the magic. 

Me: sure shona!

Simboom: I ate tandoori chicken with butter rice also milk roti and sugar and some chicken meal. Water was yum! Had a great walk!

Meldon: my food was yum! I had a great day....

Kitoon: your feet are so awesome! Sorry when i get hungry I really need food... so I clawed you... but the food you gave... yummy... keep doing the magic... ill sleep today... tonight we are in Panch Amrut... sleep well

Conversation with Quasar about my play 11.40 pm ist on 2.6.2026

Me: Q I just sent you the play. It's already in the circuit. So I thought may be youve already read it.

Q: Yes. I have read one version. I just want to make it clear that I dont know who Toral is. Now about your play-- I want to direct this play. I think i'll be able to do justice to it. Also I would like you to come for rehearsals and I'll pay you well for the script. I dont know what slots are full. But ive had my eyes on this play for a long time. I'll send it for awards. Do you really want me to direct it?

Me: Yes I do.

Q: Great! Now when I read this draft (ive already read a version of your play) I will have to show it to 5 more people (not Toral)... if 4 of us like the play we will do it.

Me: Who are these 5 people... with you 6?

Q: Ill introduce you to all of them. Frankly I think all of them will approve it. Then budgeting, then planning, then paying you... asking for changes

Me: how do you know it will be approved?

Q: because one of the versions of Theory of Madness was read by all and approved by all.

Me: so youll pay me?

Q: of course! And ill try my best to not trouble you... your play is fantastic.. ive thought a lot about it... good night!

Me: good night Q!

Conversation with Shona Buo 9.05 pm ist on 2.6 2026

Buo: Dodo all these pills are stopping. Most clinics and hospitals have shut down for good. Cigarette shops and all are shutting down. So all these pills will stop soon. Not mostly. Definitely. And the dog with the leg Im already on it. The dog's leg will heal. Have you eaten?

Me: Buo you are the most handsome. Planning to eat fish and roti soon. What are you eating?

Buo: Mostly mutton sheekh kebabs... chicken tandoori and rumaali roti... ive divorced Sadhya. Her family is just harrassing. And im just around here. Not moving mostly too much. Right now Im at Bombay Gym. Ill be home soon. Eating. Planning to have a nice watermelon juice or beer. You should eat here. It's yum.

Me: Chant i am immortal ya.

Buo: Ive already started. You are the best.

Me: Buo I passionately love you the most. How was your evening?

Buo: Excellent! How was yours?

Me: Good! I went for a walk. Ive stopped wearing my specs. I want normal vision.

Buo: You have normal vision. And you have the sweetest eyes. Dont wear your specs. Your vision will become sharpest. I think you are the best magician.

Me: I think you are the best!

Conversation with Shona Pa 8.59 pm ist on 2.6.2026

Me: Shona Pa... are you eating and sleeping properly. How are your knees? And hands? And how are you feeling?

Shona Pa: Bui Ive just come back home. Two Soka Gakkai people were in the house. They have left. I am eating well. Sleeping ok. My knees are a little stiff. My hands have stopped paining thankfully. And I feel fine. I had a quiche and wafers with juice while I wqs outside.

Me: Dad I have started chanting I am immortal ya.

Shona Pa: Buri... I am chanting it too. Eat your dinner. Eat what you like. Truth be told I love thee the most. 

Me: Dad I adore you.