You can't explain depression to someone who has never gone through it. For example, Arun would never understand. Ma has handled her depression by ekeing out her frustration on us and still does. So she won't understand my way of handling it by sleeping it off.
And life goes on... the world won't stop turning just because I'm depressed. So i have to put on that smile and live my life.
I told myself yesterday and today that I'd do just what i feel like doing. So yesterday i slept for three hours in the middle of the day and then felt visibly better till i spoke to Haroon.
Haroon advocated a hedonistic way of life and spoke about foursomes and things like that.
All my friends male or female no bar are having/have had extramarital affairs. What has the world come to! We live in a truly crippled world.
I am not even trying to attract a man. That's why i look dark and sallow and sombre. I don't want to sleep around and i don't want to sleep with the wrong guy.
Sometime ago i would have loved to be with A that way but I've changed my mind about that too. I don't want to feel used and i don't want my heart broken and besides he's been treating me really coldly like he said he doesn't want to watch a movie with me.
God has endowed me with many gifts and i must make the most of them but there at the root area i feel stuck and hurt and a lack of enthusiasm.
I want to make money. That's priority and i want a good man in my life, not a Ro or a Bha; they were not good for me.
Today DiPan came home. And it's lovely to have her to talk to. She is such a nice, compassionate girl. I really love her. Bhalo manush type. That's when i chanted.
I've smoked 11 cigarettes today.
I went to sleep at 5.30 am today because i just wasn't getting sleep and woke up really late.
I joined a pen pal group online hoping to make some friends but even that is a dating app and that is so frustrating!
Don't people value pure platonic friendships anymore? Like Arun says he doesn't have any platonic female friends. And i really judge him for that.
I miss my youth and i wish my mind had been far more stable. I think I've gotten over Arun.
I don't know what to do now. Might put on my shoes and head for a walk. I am not trying to impress anybody.... i am here to do, to be happy and spread joy in love and in service.
Mood-wise today has been much better. Action-wise it's been a dud. Let's see what ChatGpt has to say.
Melon and Kit are home.
I am feeling:
Slightly tense
Sombre
Happy (not sad) but a little gloomy
Sweet
I think I've had a good day.
I am grateful for all the people who adorn my life, all its experiences, for the love in my life, for the food, the shelter and the money and i am grateful that i am sitting here on my sofa whole and intact writing this journal. This is joy!
I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
7.42 pm
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