freckled

Half my face is freckled

And half my face is not,

My beauty half-masked

By the abominable dot.

I go to him for a solution,

He says it's just a blot,

There's no escape from admonition,

No escape for half a beauty spot.

Some of it is upward blemished

Some of it is dented at the knot

But even with half a freckled face

I must receive what I've sought.

Journal 31.3.2024 9.51 pm

Dear Journal,

I don't know if Ashabari will like my editing.

Q messaged back saying it's alright and that I am welcome to his play readings.

I spoke to Pasha. I spoke to Arun.

I hope some good, easy work manifests.

I spent the last two hours daydreaming about Buddhism.

Now I'll read a little and go to sleep.

It's so good to have Ma and Pa home. I love them. I can talk to them about anything.

I love Buro who hasn't messaged in two days.

I love Arun.

I love the fact that Q messaged back.

I am grateful for Arun and his rocksolid support and his sweet heart.

I am grateful to Ma and Pa who are my friends.

I am grateful to Buo for his love.

I am grateful to Sadhya for being such a good girl.

I am grateful that I woke up today well rested and healthy.

I am grateful that I got to edit an article on cancer today.

I am grateful that Varun Pershad stopped by today.

I am grateful that I ate yummy food today.

I am grateful that I chatted with ma today.

I am grateful for having spoken to Pasha today.

I am grateful for my beautiful bed where I sleep and meditate.

I am grateful that I got out of my comfort zone today.

I am grateful that I read and can read and write.

I am grateful that I had a good yog nidra session today.

I am grateful for toothbrush and toothpaste.

I am grateful that I'm feeling sleepy now.

I am grateful for my beautiful life.

I am grateful for my beautiful body, mind and soul.

I am grateful for my phone.

I am grateful for this Journal which helps me introspect.

I am grateful that I am in talks with Pepper C.

I am grateful for yoga class.

I am grateful for my mission, vision, value sheet that I will read now.

Love,

Me.

10.04 pm

message to Q

Dear Quasar,

Firstly, please do forgive me for my outrage and the messages I sent you over silly imaginings a few years ago. I hope I have been forgiven by both you and Toral. I am healing, I am taking care of my emotional health. I trust you guys are doing well.

That being said, the first thing that was foregone for me when that happened was attending your brilliant play readings (that I regularly attended before the lockdown). I used to enjoy them thoroughly given that I'm so passionate about theatre. I am still throughly embarrassed by my behaviour.

But the pull of your play readings overshadows my inhibitions today. I've missed Thespo too. I keep hearing from people who attend Thespo and your play readings about how much fun they've had.

I hope you guys have forgiven me enough so that I can come for your play readings again.

This is the first break in the wall that stops me, the first step in forgiving myself and also in apologising to you guys profusely. 

Please do invite me if you feel up to it. I would by coy and embarrassed, but I would still love to be there for your next play reading.

Thanks,

Doel

Journal 31.3.2024 2.53 pm

Dear Journal,

What has happened to me? Why am I so lethargic? Is it because of all the alcohol I'm drinking?

Ma and Pa are returning today after five days at a detox camp.

Two days ago, on Friday, Arun came home. We had a good time. I was really tired after yoga class and no, we did not have sex.

He was home till almost 2.50 am.

We watched the IPL and the movie Animal. We had a really good time even though I was exhausted. I love him when he gets emotional. I love his cuteness, his handsomeness, his beautiful heart and I don't know where we are going. I don't know if he thinks about us in the future. I'm sure he has some thoughts, but he has never vocalised it.

Yesterday, I went and got a haircut. I came back and got ready, then headed out to meet a casting director called Sohan. I hope I get cast in a good role in some movie.

Sohan said that he would definitely like to work with me.

Then I came home, meditated and headed out to meet Arun. We went to watch Madgaon Express. We were late for the film and since the payment had to be made only by cash I paid for the tickets.

The lead role, played by Dibyendu Sharma, was of a guy who is a loser in life. He compares his life to his two friends who live abroad and lies to them about his meagre life.

I identified with his character.

I always feel I haven't got that far in life when compared to my friends. I've not yet taken a trip abroad. It's all due to the turmoil in my life and my I'll reactions to them and that for a large part of my life I've seen Ma getting unreasonably angry till today (she's much better now) and now there is Buro's anger to handle.

I wish I had reacted more positively to the adverse circumstances of life. But I didn't know any better.

The movie put me in a bad mood. I've anyway been doubting myself and the film exacerbated those emotions.

Both Arun and I did not enjoy the film.

Then, he took me to On Toes where we had a sedate date. He kept looking at me with a weary look in his eyes as he enjoyed the music and I doted on him.

I have fallen deeply in love with him.

Wherever we go he is everybody's eye candy. He could really be with anybody.

If there's one thing I wish for my relationship with him, it's that we are based on a deep sense of committment. I surely feel devoted to him, and committed to him.

I came back home around 1.20 am and took my pills and fell asleep.

I woke up after 10, found Arun online and messaged him. Then I called him to an unanswered call.

A while later he called me back. I think our relationship has settled into a rhythm of routine.

Then Varun Pershad called and said let's go out. I told him to come home.

He came home around 11.50 am. I made him an omelette and a cup of coffee and we chatted. He has smartened up from the guy he was in school.

After Varun left, I smoked tons of cigarettes and thought a lot about Arun.

What does he think about me? What does he really? I wish some aspects of my life were working out. I wish life had not reached a point of being such a stalemate. If something were working out, I'd sure as hell feel more confident.

Now, I have to finish the assignment for Ashabari and do my yoga homework.

Somewhere along the way I also planned to send Q an apology message and ask him if I can join the play reading sessions again. I really miss his play readings. I feel inhibited to send him that message. Whenever I do that in the future, I hope I get a favourable response. 

I think i'll plan and type that message now. That'll get things rolling.

On Friday, during our meditation session during yoga class, we discussed Anitya (impermanence). I have been pondering on that myself for a while. Everything passes just like the water in a river and each moment of our lives.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa for being such loving and supportive parents.

I am grateful for Buro's sweet presence in my life.

I am grateful that Sadhya is so good and so smart.

I am grateful for Arun, his beautiful soul, and all that comes with him.

I am grateful that I'm joining Q's play readings again. I hope he views me favourably and forgives me.

I am grateful that I'm breaking the first wall.

I am grateful for this beautiful home.

I am grateful for the food I eat everyday.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for my good night's rest.

I am grateful that I have a wish to quit cigarettes.

I am grateful for all the gifts God has bestowed on me.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for my beautiful heart.

I am grateful that Arun and I are still going strong.

I am grateful for my clothes.

I am grateful for all the people in my life.

I am grateful that I've been forgiven.

Love,

Me

3.30 pm

All but one for the routine

There are clothes, clothes everywhere,

Clothes and not a breadth for a hair,

All jumbled up and packed up

Like my emotions caught in a snare;

You say they are old, there isn't anything new

And I point to one that may doll me out of the blues

For a new beginning, just like the new me,

All but for one my clothes seek a release;

I know it's the same old stories, same old tales

Out of rigidity through smiles and wails;

There's something noble in the routine

Just like the clothes we wear chasing the greens.

-- Doel Sengupta

Hearing

I hear a lot of things 

And my ears are all filled up

But now I'll hear only sweet nothings 

From all around, down and up.

Journal 28.3.2024 9.00 pm

Dear Journal 

How time flies by?

I came home from yoga around 5 pm and it's four hours since then and I haven't sent Shivansh the mail and I haven't done my yoga homework. I have fallen into an inertia of lackadaisicality and I don't feel motivated to do anything else.

I bought sausages, salami and juice today. The thing is that I was hoping that Arun would come by today but he didn't.

He has a blister on one of his vocal cords. It must really hurt.

Yesterday, Nidhi called. Her involvement and dedication is truly inspiring.

I met Manish Singh yesterday. He is a director and he sent me a few of his videos yesterday out of which I liked one.

Today he shared a film of his to me. Sweet. Predictable but sweet.

I got really scared when Arun called and told me he has a blister. I imagined all sorts of evil forebodings. However, if he just gives up on alcohol and cigarettes he won't suffer from a blister there again.

Pushpaji is so nice. She is a really good teacher. I like her and Yogitaji a lot.

Today we learnt the exercise of reflection that I think I'll do everyday. I'll sit and do it now and send Shivansh the mail.

Arun said he will come tomorrow. I also called my yoga peeps home but I think I will have to cancel plans with them. I'll call them home some other day.

Arun has been unwell, and he hasn't been responding to my messages at all. I don't think I should message him.

In yoga they say that our success is determined by our motivation. I should keep that in mind. Motivation is everything in yoga for a healthy and happy life.

The house is all empty because Ma and Pa have gone for a detox camp.

Buro is always so angry these days. Of course I know I have upset him. I want Buro to heal emotionally from all his pains. I love him.

I hope tomorrow's yoga session goes well.

I'll sit and do reflection for 15 minutes now and go to sleep by 11.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa.

I am grateful for Buro and that he messaged today.

I am grateful for Sadhya and her smartness.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for Nidhi and her dedication.

I am grateful for all the good doctors in my life.

I am grateful that I ate today.

I am grateful that yoga class was so enjoyable.

I am grateful for my beautiful body.

I am grateful for my beautiful heart.

I am grateful for Pushpaji's amazing session with us today.

I am grateful for all the friends in my life.

I am grateful for the amazing bath I had today.

I am grateful that Madhuri cleaned my room today.

I am grateful for this beautiful house.

I am grateful for Pepper.

I am grateful for all the beautiful techniques I'm learning in yoga class.

I am grateful for the money in my life.

I am grateful for my phone.

I am grateful for my journal and this blog.

I am grateful for the future.

I am grateful that I can hear the sounds of children playing downstairs.

I am grateful that Arun is being taken care of and is healing. 

I am grateful for fucidine.

I am grateful for this beautiful Universe.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for happiness.

I am grateful that I made my bed today.

I am grateful that soon cigarettes will be a thing of my past.

I am grateful for trees and plants.

I am grateful for water.

I am grateful for food.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for collagen building powder.

I am grateful for glutathione.

I am grateful for meditation.

I am grateful for pens and books and paper.

I am grateful for art and music.

I am grateful for a good night's sleep.

I am grateful for my world of dreams.

I am grateful that I breathe.

Love,

Me.

9.31 pm

Journal 26.3.2024 9.05 pm

Dear Journal,

The day went off pretty well.  I have to push myself to hold poses in yoga. I have to build my will power and tenacity, courage and self confidence.

Arun is down with laryngitis and his doctor told him not to talk for two days. I thought I would refrain from talking to him over the phone for two days. Surprisingly, he called in the evening. He is so cute. He's my loveliest heart.

I'm still feeling badly about fighting with Buro yesterday. I hope he is able to forgive me, Ma, himself. I do love Buro a lot. He means the world to me. 

When you read books like the Gita, or even when you read the newspapers, you read of close kin fighting each other for money and property. One of my greatest wishes is that my relationship with Buro is untarnished by all this. I hope as age progresses both of us will be able to find peace within ourselves. And I do hope that Buro forgives me for whatever grievances he holds against me. He is always forgiven by me.

I have to edit for Ashabari and write an article for Shivansh.

Sahil Lihala came over today. He is a good person to be friends with. A soft kind of chap.

Ma is cooking fish for me right now for the days ahead when they are not there. They are going for a detox camp. She is so sweet.

I shouted at her today in the morning. I should not have. Ma has made many sacrifices for us. She does so much for us. I'm blessed with great parents.

So does Pa. Pa is my gentle soft-hearted ogre. So is Arun.

Pa and Ma don't share their pains with us. Pa never does. Ma does sometimes. She has become more jovial and fun-loving in her old age. One of my greatest wishes is that I age gracefully into satisfaction, contentment and happiness.

Today in class we went a little off-topic and discussed the vata, pitta and kapha types of personalities.

I feel so lethargic and laidback. I'm definitely a kapha type of person. Ma is definitely a pitta kind of person. I do hope I am able to quit smoking cigarettes.

Love makes the world go around.

I am grateful for all the love in my life.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa.

I am grateful for Chotto Bacha and Sadhya.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for yoga class.

I am grateful for my daily bread.

I am grateful for my bed on which I sleep peacefully each night. 

I am grateful for Eshna and Koena, Bubul mesho and Chumkimashi.

I am grateful for my noble mind and loving heart.

I am grateful for all the projects coming my way.

I am grateful that Nidhi Saraf's person called me today. That means the talks are still on.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for my beauty.

I am grateful for my beautiful mind.

I am grateful that with yoga I am slowly cultivating a positive mindset.

I am grateful for the books I read.

I am grateful for our beautiful home.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for Dr Shinde.

I am grateful for toothbrushes and toothpaste.

I am grateful for my meditation sessions. I should really sit and meditate.

I am grateful for my ancestors' many gifts bestowed on me.

I am grateful that we were lauded today for our effort to portray Konasana 2 in yoga class.

I am grateful for the coffee I drank today.

I am grateful that I've had a beautiful day.

I am grateful for this beautiful world.

I am grateful that despite my digresses I have friends whom I can call my own.

I am grateful that I live in Bombay.

I am grateful for the vast sea and the greenery that surrounds me.

I am grateful that I met Sahil Lihala today.

I am grateful for the information age. There is so much to read.

I am grateful for my sweet boyfriend. I love him.

I am grateful for Nidhi Jain.

I am grateful for all my teachers and all my students.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful for beautiful children.

I am grateful for the beautiful community I belong to.

I am grateful for life.

Love,

Me.

9.37 pm

Holi 2024

It's far from the rainbow season

As we yet paint them with reason

To play around with the colours of spring

That which do give our dreams wing.

Happy Holi to you and your near and dear ones!

-- the Sengupta family

Journal 25.3.2024 8.13 pm

Dear Journal,

Holi Hai and it is so hot!

I had a strenuous yoga class today.

Buro didn't believe I had a class today, he called the institute where they said there is no class and he called me an outright liar. He didn't apologise but I did. For saying unkind things like I want him to stay out of my way. I do.

I wish he wasn't such a terror that he has become. Always accusing, always angry, always bitter, and always shouting.

I spoke to Arun in the evening. What is it about him that draws me to him? I love him. I also love Buro.

Ma finished a whole kg of farsan while correcting papers. That irritated me. But she can if she wants to have a whole kg of farsan.

I noticed Pa's beautiful elbows today as he slept. I love Ma and Pa.

I did yog nidra for half an hour in the evening, procrastinating about my yoga homework which I shall do now.

I finally feel that I can forgive myself, or that I'm close. Prayer is so effective. Gratitude is so powerful.

I'm so grateful to Arun for accepting me as I am and for forgiving me for my digresses. I'll always remember his maturity in handling me. Always that creates a special place for him in my heart. I absolutely adore him. His stories, his heart, his beautiful mind, his vibrant soul, his lovely being.

The situation is such that I'm not brooding about the future-- I'm keeping a positive attitude.

Money is entering my life in abundance.

I'm so grateful to Nidhi for handholding me. It's really sweet of her and speaks volumes about her committment. I hope I'm a worthy client.

Ma and Pa are leaving for a week-long detox camp tomorrow. Buro and Sadhya will be shifting in for three months. It'll be good to have them at home. It's always nice to have Buro as long as he does not fight with me.

I'm grateful that I woke up today after a deep sleep despite my sleep breaking around 4.30.

I'm grateful that I got to eat yummy Blue Park food in the evening.

I'm grateful for all the money I have and for all the money entering my life.

I'm grateful for Buro who is invaluable in my life.

I'm grateful for Ma who is one of my best friends.

I'm grateful for Pa who is gentle kind and sweet.

I'm grateful for Arun who I absolutely adore and love. I hope our bond strengthens and is life-long.

I'm grateful that Arun called in the evening.

I'm grateful for Yoga class where I'm learning so much.

I'm grateful for Nidhi. She holds a special place in my life.

I'm grateful for Dadu, Dimma, Dada and Thama for their blessings.

I'm grateful for the time in my hands.

I'm grateful for the fact that I keep this Journal. This is one of the best habits I'm cultivating.

I'm grateful for my prayers. They steer me on to victory. 

I'm grateful for Bunty who gave me a cigarette in the middle of yoga class.

I'm grateful for each yoga teacher.

I'm grateful that I have a habit of reading and analysing.

I'm grateful for my phone.

I'm grateful for my good health.

I'm grateful that I've lived to see yet another Holi. This one was good, spent doing yoga.

I'm grateful that I eat healthy food everyday.

I'm grateful for all the people who grace my life and make it wonderful.

I'm grateful for my heart that loves wholeheartedly.

I'm grateful for my excellent health.

I'm grateful for life.

I'm grateful for the Almighty's bountiful blessings in my life.

I'm grateful for my beautiful body and my beautiful soul.

I'm grateful for the friendships in my life.

Love,

Me.

8.41 pm

Journal 23.3.2024 9.37 pm

Dear Journal,

I was super eager to get my mmpi test results from Nidhi today. So in the morning I did my pranayama and nothing else.

My test wasn't bad she said when I finally met her after a brief chat with Dr Rao.

I am a perfectionist. I can be hard on myself. I get angry and my guilt is short-lived. I have unusual thinking patterns. I'm highly intelligent. I am full of love, she said. A very mentally involved person. A nice person. So and so forth. As she explained the results to me.

She has also asked me to message her each day on the progress I'm making on the work front.

She asked me to get 15 minutes of cardio every day. "Walk up and down the stairs."

I did that twice. I also walked from Matruchchaya to Seven Bungalows.

I also spoke to Arun briefly. He says he's feeling better and will meet me tomorrow.

Ma and Pa went to meet Deepak Kaku who has Als. 

I'm so grateful to life, the Universe and God that Ma and Pa are hale and hearty.

I hope to get married. I hope that happens for me.

Today I applied for freelance jobs and started reading the book The fault in our Stars. It's about a girl who has cancer. Really nice.

With just 24 hours in a day where is the time to watch anything on ott?

My career needs rekindling. I need focus, concentration and dedication. With 5 hour of yoga class there is little time for anything else.

The day has been good.

Melon is home and Pa is watching the ipl.

Meditating on love works wonders.

In the last message, Nidhi said "Hold yourself to the highest standards but be most compassionate towards yourself." Those are powerful words. Be kindest to yourself.

I love my mother. She's a rock. She's a Rockstar.

I'm grateful for Ma Pa Buro and Sadhya.

I'm grateful for Nidhi.

I'm grateful for Arun.

I'm grateful for my beautiful home.

I'm grateful for Yoga class.

I'm grateful for all my teachers and all my students.

I'm grateful for my heart, mind and body.

I'm grateful for my beautiful body and soul.

I'm grateful for my intelligence.

I'm grateful for the money I have.

I'm grateful for books.

I'm grateful that I'm feeling happy and positive right now.

I'm grateful for all my eternal friends.

I'm grateful for the food I eat.

I'm grateful for love and life.

I'm grateful for Dimma Dadu and Thama.

I'm grateful that I sleep well tonight.

Love,

Me.

9.55 pm

Letter to Arun 22.3.2024

Dear Arun,

I'm scorched.

By the torrid summer sun and by my love for you. I hope the latter does not leave me feeling burnt.

At this moment, at this point in time, I'm not feeling so good. About myself, you know.

That I have you is a wonder. That you are there to be spoken to, to ask 'Is everything alright?', to hold, to love, to nurture-- that is a wonder indeed.

I love writing (so I thought I'd write you this short letter).

If God were to put all the world's most accomplished, choicest men in front of me, I'd tell him: "But I won't find another him (you)!"

I don't know how far the road is ahead. Neither can I gauge its length.

But I know that as long as I have you, I have YOU-- A beautiful person with a heart so warm and with thoughts so profound that anybody could be touched.

Thanks sweety for your lovely love.

Thanks for your companionship.

And thanks for being there.

Thanks for bringing meaning into my existence.

Thank you for all the little ways you make me feel special. 

Thanks for being you. May not a spot tarnish what makes you so beautiful.

Love,

Me.

Journal 22.3.2024 6.21 pm

Dear Journal,

It is hot in Bombay. And I'm feeling anxious.

And lonely. And low.

I think the last decade has left me with very low self esteem. Today I feel I'll at ease.

There is hope though.

I am intelligent. And I'm becoming whole.

I am worthy. Am I not?

I am capable. Am I not?

I am indispensable in this world. There isn't another me, right?

I am loved, right?

I do love wholeheartedly. Do I not?

I am a kind, compassionate, brave, wise person, right?

I am sweet and mindful. Right?

I need to build on my self worth.

I need to begin to love myself.

Love,

Me.

Journal 21.3.2024 7.37 pm

Dear Journal,

I have fallen into a state of inertia and lethargy. I hope to make the most of my time and quit smoking cigarettes.

I just got out of a 45 minute meditation session.

I lost my cool with Ma. Ma is so precious. Why am I so lazy?

Meditating on love has led me to see optimistic dreams.

Last night I dreamt that I was preparing to dye my hair red, and then I was watching the video of 'Huzur is kadar bhi na itrake chaliye.' May be my subconscious mind wants to tell me not to be so vain.

Then, till I woke up, I dreamt that Arun was telling me something. I don't remember a word of what he said.

I must get out of my inertia.

I have yoga homework to do.

I hope to get over my insecurities, and my feeling of shame and guilt.

I think I'll have a bath now and do my homework. It's not a lot to do. I hope to live a happy life full of love.

Yoga class is a packed four hours.

There are so many religions and systems of faiths. What accords with my logic and reason?

Love

Action

Victory

Happiness

Money

Truth

Forgiveness

Happiness

Health

Peace

Security

These are worthy ideals to aspire to.

I think I'll sit and make my mission, vision and values for my push pin board. I've been thinking about it for a long time. First, bath, then that, then homework and dinner.

Love,

Me.

selling for money

My brother you are selling

All your games for money

And it is really telling

And that we need it ain't funny.

My mother you have folded

All my shoes in little pouches

So that I work harder

To feed you all the lunches.

There is no rabbit in the hole

Just a need for all the value stuff,

There is no need to play the role

It's all taken care of.

games for money

You sell games for money

And it ain't funny

That my shoes

Are folded in pouches

They fit me, but they are slouched.

What could this mean?

What does it say?

Love is the only way.

Journal 17.3.2024 11.12 pm

Dear Journal,

I was feeling gloomy for the past two days. Arun hasn't called at all today.

I did not do any yoga homework today. Was just not in the frame of mind.

Met Amahamana and Pasha separately today. Feeling much better.

I know that things will look up for me very soon.

Everyone gives hope, but things don't materialise as you want them to.

Pasha said he'd cast me and get me some writing project. I'll call him next week.

My mental health has caused me to behave very erratically with people. I've lost a lot of friends. I feel guilty and ashamed about that.

I have to get over this feeling and let my life open up.

I'm feeling far more positive than I was feeling in the morning.

What am I upto? I love Arun. But what am I doing? I need to get my act together. I shine,

I'm bright, I'm the light. I'm the kindness, courage and wisdom of God. I'm God's favourite child. I'm the sun's illumenescence, I'm the moon's richness. I'm success. I'm happiness. I'm love.

I don't know where I'm headed but I hope to be on the high road.

Love,

Me.

positive things on 17.3.2024

I ate today.

I woke up after a restful sleep.

I have a loving family.

I have Arun.

I have good prospects.

I meditated for 20 minutes.

I enjoyed the joy of Pranayama.

I relaxed.

I have nice clothes to wear.

I have a prayerful and blessing heart.

Akash is going to go with me to watch the sunset.

I'm om the hunt for a book to read.

Shou said he would call for a tarot reading.

I look pretty.

I am a good person.

I have water.

My foot feels better.

I am grateful for all the above.

Walking into Paradise

I saw it clearly, dearly even

My walk into Paradise,

It was warm and breezy

Because the sun never lies.

I was crippled truly

In a pit of despondency

In the real winter of my life,

Finally forgiven, free, free from strife.

There were jewelled trees

All around and about me,

There was a fresh blue stream

Of love, and the shelter of my dreams.

I was alone in Nature's Eden,

The only Eve and I was even

Breathing fully when spring arose

As I walked into Paradise.

There were tulip pods

Surrounding me proud

And even the grass never bent,

And then in that heaving state

I saw that you were sent.

A glimpse of your entity

A whiff of your dewy skin,

And the golden ball high above

Did let me stand tall and win.

It's then when the light did dawn

And me thoroughly did shroud

When I realised I needed you

Wholly and to experience Nature's

Full force and that I would never

Truly bask in glory without you

Or never gain entry into God's den,

Into that heavenly abode called Paradise.

Without you even the sun feels gloomy

And even in a palace it's cramped, not roomy.

Just having you makes it all real

And Paradisic,  always exultantly surreal.

You must be angry

You must be angry, I don't know

But if you'd like it just feel the flow;

There is a heavy heaving of the heart

And a gut-wrenching pain that won't last;

There are structures built everywhere

And the vast sea is my mind's lair;

There is Truth and then there's cacophony,

Lost in the city trying to be free.

If Truth be told my heart is yours,

Will you forgive me now once and for all?

Prayers make me hopeful today,

I wish you a damned good day!

Journal 15.3.2024 9.55 am

Dear Journal,

I've been feeling anxious since yesterday about work and life. My heart feels heavy.

I had a dream last night that I was lost. I woke up feeling anxious.

I know that life will turn out well.

I know that life is beautiful.

I know that I have it in me to come out on top.

I need to get the health article Hemmingway score down to 9.

Pa is just not talking to me that much. I hope he is not in any kind of pain. I love him.

I'll sit and write my novel now after 10 minutes of meditation.

I am success. I am love. I am life.

Love,

Me.

10 am

Journal 14.3.2024 8.44 pm

Dear Journal,

Arun is not feeling too well. I hope he gets well soon. I love him. What if, what if this bond does last a lifetime? What then?

He's such a cute human being. An absolutely astoundingly ravishing human being and I'm so happy, and oh so grateful to call him mine.

Pa is not really communicating too much with me. I hope he is feeling good. I love Pa.

Yoga class is going very well. I'm so grateful to Pa for funding this. I know that I'll be flooded with freelance projects from now on. My dreams indicate so.

I know that Buro and I will always have a loving relationship. I love my brother the most.

Today at Yoga class we did Surya Namaskar in depth. It was so rejuvenating to get it right. I escaped for a cigarette during the break. Must not do that tomorrow.

Yoga is a way of life.

I hope to quit smoking.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for Ma Pa Buro and sadhya.

I'm grateful for Arun.

I'm grateful for Melon.

I'm grateful for the food I eat.

I'm grateful for the sleep I sleep.

I'm grateful for the dreams I dream.

I'm grateful for the thoughts I think.

I'm grateful for the words I speak.

I'm grateful for the actions I take.

I'm grateful that I wrote my novel for an hour today.

I'm grateful that I prepared for tomorrow's speech.

I'm grateful for love and life.

I'm grateful for money.

I'm grateful that Nira gave me a freelance article to write.

I'm grateful that it's time to sleep in an hour.

I'm grateful for Yoga class.

I'm grateful for all my teachers and all my students.

I'm grateful for all the beings who grace my life, have graced my life and will grace my life.

I'm grateful for my heart.

I'm grateful for collagen building powder and glutathione.

I'm grateful for my mind.

I'm grateful for all my friends and family.

I'm grateful for God's infinite blessings and grace.

I'm grateful for work coming my way.

I'm grateful that The Broken Mirror made it to Cannes.

I'm grateful for books, pens, paper, paint. Canvases, brushes and everything that helps me create.

I'm grateful for my voice.

I'm grateful that Arun feels better as he falls asleep.

I'm grateful for my healthy body.

8.57 pm

Hope building

The buildings are all new and fancy,

Ideas yet to be made and I need money

To purchase a home within them;

The rooms are rotating, my love is sure

And I am facing the future,

Not blindly, but with a tonful of hope.

So many constructions near the horizon

That it blocks the view of the vast sea,

My hopes conquer my pessimistic reasons,

May my dreams be woven beautiful and free.

Journal 13.3.2024 9.32 pm

Dear Journal,

Yoga class is going so well. I am so happy to do it. I should listen to Ma more often.

I also have to do a brilliant job with my novel.

Today we had a session on Yoga Sutras where there was an allusion to the Bhagavad Gita. What I learnt from today's reading was that politics is the way of life and that when going in to fight it out one must assess one's risks. Death is certain for everyone so there is no point in giving up the fight. It is important to give protection and be compassionate, but it is also important to kill the demons when they arise: that according to the Bhagavad Gita is what Krishna teaches.

What you read has such an influence on you.

After reading these passages my mind goes to my relationship with Arun. He says there is no future, and i know it's bound to hurt a lot of people. Ma and Pa would be so devastated if they knew I love a married man who will never marry me. The only thing keeping me in this relationship is my love for Arun. I do love him a lot. He is such a cute person. These are the risks.

This reminds me of the Bhagavad Gita where Bhishma and Dronacarya explain that they are supporting the Kauravas because of their wealth.

Where am I going? What am I doing? Should I believe in words and promises.

I just spoke to Arun and we discussed the above points in the Bhagavad Gita on the phone. Arun said if you want to win you can't focus on your enemy's strengths. You have to focus on your own strengths. I love him. He is such a cute person.

I agree with him. Of course Duryodhana was preparing for battle by assessing the Pandava clan.

I have hope. I have love. And I have happiness.

I know I will get some good freelance writing projects. I have God's grace and His infinite blessings. Patience is paramount.

Now I'll do my Yoga class homework.

Love,

Me.

I'm grateful that I woke up after a vivid dream. I love dreams.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa and Chotto and Sadhya.

I am grateful for Arun.

I am grateful for all my teachers and all my students.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for love and happiness.

I am grateful for wealth.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for God's infinite blessings.

I am grateful for all the meals I ate today.

I am grateful for hope and optimism. 

I am grateful for my body, mind and spirit.

I am grateful for my heart.

I am grateful for the good night's rest that is awaiting me.

I am grateful for my education.

I am grateful that I have been forgiven.

Journal 12.3.2024 12.18 pm

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting outside my yoga class.

I can't leave Arun. I love him too much.

His cuteness I want to hold for the rest of my life. His smiles and tears I want to treasure.

Love,

Me.

bybthe primrose

I love you that is true

Under the blue skies

And by the primrose,

Under the boughs of time,

I love you; but you'll 

Never be mine truly,

And that I have to share you

That clenches my gut

And wrenches my heart

And I wish I could have only you.

Not so

There would be no need for marriage

Or for holding a carriage or for rhymes,

Or hymns, or chimes if only I could know

That you would be mine in the fields

Full of song or on the boat out at sea

So long, or on the crags where barnacles 

Spring or in my dreams, but alas! 

It is not so, not even in my world

Of make believe and make up

Where everyone dons a mask,

It is not so even in my reality

But only in my heart where

I carry you with all my devotion

And all my love, holding on to

All aspects or no aspects;

And then the road never ends

In my heart, overflowing, abundant.

Journal 10.3.2024 5.47 pm

Dear Journal,

I'm planning to talk to Arun about just being friends with him. I already sent him a message. Am I doing the right thing?

I really do love him and he says he loves me. Given that there's love that's the only reason I've still held on to him.

He's so cute. He's so sweet. He's such a delightful person. I think I'll always love him.

But he says he is never leaving his wife.

He's been a huge support and He's a genuine darling. The one boyfriend who has not pressured me to have sex with him, and has treated me respectfully despite his many comparisons of me with other women.

But he is never leaving his wife. And as long as I dote on him I won't be able to love another. Because I absolutely adore him.

He's such a genuine handsome toughie who is a big softie inside.

I hope as a friend he hands out many hugs to me.

I'm sure he will also find someone.

I know I will find someone.

He has such a sweet heart and a cute personality.

He is so good-looking in a rugged kind of way.

Also, He's seen the worst of me. He's still there.

But he isn't leaving his wife.

So may be we should just be friends.

I'll always love him. I'll always adore him.

I don't think our relationship is acceptable in society. I don't think our bond is understood.

Cute heart that he is. Sweetheart that he is.

Absolutely stunning that he is.

If I just quit smoking.

And dedicate one hour to writing each day I'll go places.

Two things I have to do: Quit cigarettes. And write.

I'm so happy that the Broken Mirror has been selected at Cannes. Genuinely excited.

But he is never leaving his wife. Alas! 

Love,

Me.

I hope me and Arun have an unbreakable genuine friendship. I love him.

Journal 10.3.2024 2.36 pm

Dear Journal,

It's Pa's 72nd birthday today. We went to watch Lapata Ladies and are now sitting in Garden Court for lunch.

If there is any reason I'm not making money and have fewer friends, it's my mental health.

Arun hasn't called at all.

Should I break it off with him?

I smoked just two cigarettes today and am feeling irritated with Ma. She is so rustic and harsh. But she does so much for us.

May be I should call it off with Arun. He is never leaving his wife for me. He has already told me that. He's also told me not to touch him in public and to not disrupt his life -- all lofty conditions.

Besides it's wrong. Our relationship is unacceptable to society.

I love him. I love my friendship with him. Will he want to be friends with me?

I don't know what the future holds. Whether there is somebody for me. 

I'm also very embarrassed and guilty for misbehaving during Chotto's wedding.

I feel badly for all my digresses. Forgiveness should be directed at me. It's more difficult to forgive yourself than anybody else.

I know I will quit smoking cigarettes. I know the future is bright and rosy.

I have to pay Arun rupees 10,000 including the amount he has spent on art material for me.

I don't know what the future holds. I know love floods my life abundantly.

I know if I just work a little harder and quit smoking cigarettes my life will turn around. The urge passes, life goes on. Life is beautiful.

I love Ma and Pa.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa, Buro and Sadhya.

I am grateful for Arun's friendship.

I am grateful for Dr Karthik Rao and Dr Dhawale.

I am grateful for my talents and intelligence.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for Ashwin Agrawal.

I am grateful for all the work coming my way.

I am grateful for the money in my life and the flood of money in my life.

I am grateful for this Earth, Nature and the Universe.

I am grateful for my novel.

I am grateful for Nagesh.

I am grateful for my mind.

I am grateful for this wonderful life.

I am grateful for Dimma, Dadu, Dada and Thama.

I am grateful for my beautiful body and face.

I am grateful for my beautiful heart.

I am grateful for the animal world.

I am grateful for the human world.

I am grateful it is Pa's birthday.

I am grateful for all the people who love me.

I am grateful for my meditation sessions.

I am grateful for God's bountiful blessings and God's sweet grace.

I am grateful for Chumkimashi, Eshna, Koena and Bubul mesho.

I am grateful for myself.

I am grateful that I make the world a better place.

Journal 8.3.2024 8.22 pm

Dear Journal,

Another vital day has gone by and what did I do?

I did my pranayama, meditation, smoked tons of cigarettes and spent some time with Nagesh.

I've hurt a lot of people and lost a lot of friends in turn.

I applied to a few remote jobs, read a little, but I did not work on my novel.

I live a very comfortable life.

Due to my mental health I know I'm perceived as inadequate.

I've been meditating on love and taking care of my skin.

Kali says that he is never leaving his wife and he wants me in his life. How is that going to work? I really do love him.

I must stop smoking. I must.

I love Buro.

Yesterday Kali and me were sitting in Quarter Deck when Pa walked up to me and said Hi. He was there with Kirit uncle. I hope Pa is not very disappointed. He looked disappointed.

I know some good remote writing opportunity is going to work out very soon. How soon? I'm being very patient. I'm praying each day.

I know I am going to be super successful, rich and famous. But how?

I'm so grateful that Kali is still in my life despite my nervous breakdown. What triggers my breakdown?

I really do love Arun a lot. I see him as a whole soft and tough person. He is such a cute humanbeing. How long is the road ahead?

I hope to have a productive day tomorrow.

I'm supposed to watch The Broken Mirror with Ashwin tomorrow.

I really want my life to turn around and I want to be floating in money.

I hope I see good dreams tonight.

I saw my tooth being pulled out by me in a dream last night and a talking animal in the water. I'll Google that now.

Love,

Me.

I'm grateful for my wonderful life.

I'm grateful for my parents.

I'm grateful for Buro and Sadhya.

I'm grateful for all my friends and relatives.

I'm grateful for all the opportunities coming my way.

I'm grateful for my novel.

I'm grateful that I'm healthy.

I'm grateful that I have Arun.

I'm grateful for all my experiences.

I'm grateful that I forgive.

I'm grateful for God's bountiful blessings on my life.

I'm grateful for my home.

I'm grateful for my meals.

I'm grateful for my clothes.

I'm grateful for work.

I'm grateful for my beauty.

I'm grateful for my heart.

I'm grateful for my mind.

I'm grateful for my phone and laptop.

I'm grateful for books.

I'm grateful for my hands and feet.

I'm grateful for money.

I'm grateful for Nature.

I'm grateful for Melon.

I'm grateful for my beautiful destiny that is unfolding.

I'm grateful for my bed.

I'm grateful for a good night's sleep with sweet dreams.

Journal 7.3.2024

Dear Journal,

I am sitting here with Arun and there is a no kiss policy.

I'm in tears. I don't know what I should do.

I want to be treated specially by someone.

May be a little endearingly.

May be he is just not that into me.

Love,

Me

with my charms

It's my birthday today

In the meadows,

Under the stars

And all of a sudden

You seem very far.

I wish I was a different person,

The kind that could

Do justice to your charms.

But as the meadows glisten

So do my lonely arms

That seek an anchor

In the deep seas

And into the farms they go.

It's only lonely so far

If only I could make do

With my charms.

pyaar kaise Hota hai

Pyaar kaise Hota Hai,

Ye kudrat ka Anokha khel Hai,

Main ek Alag jaat ki praani hoon

Jise tum thukra Rahe ho.

Pyaar kaise Hota Hai

Aise jeevit adbhut praani ko

Ye Ishwar ka Anokha den Hai

Jise tum bhula na sakoge.

The door

The door is wide open,

The door to a lot of work,

The door you say should

Be locked up and secure. 

I wish that I could work through

The range of emotions

An open door offers,

I wish I could call you mine

For an eternity of a lifetime.

The door

You tell me the door has to be locked up

And our emotions are all boxed up

And I attempt subtly to make a change

In your mindscape, given the range

Of emotions I go through the door

Is open and we work, floored.

A friendship of a lifetime

You say you will never leave her,

Where does that leave me now my love?

Sometimes I'm in a crest and sometimes

In a trough; I think I'll give you the space you need

To gather your thoughts and possessions,

To mark the beginning of a friendship

And a love that is golden.

I wish to keep you happy,

I long for you that is true,

Sometimes keeping a distance

Wards away the blues.

Tomorrow when you see me

Know my love for you is real

And that I can give you whatever you need

And ecstacy that is surreal.

Your heart is all I seek

And your love that is pure,

A friendship of a lifetime

Is here, of that I am sure.

it's been ages

It's been ages since I heard from you

And I'm sorry that you misconstrued;

I'm sorry I wasn't at my best,

I'm done and over with the test.

Let's rejoice that our friendship is intact

And my heart is whole and stacked.

I appreciate you reaching out to me,

I am grateful for your love honey.

Pleasure calls at our next meaning love

For what is right is right And my heart does burst.

Love is all for the asking now

Will you always love me more, love?

only love is real

Love is not lost,

Love is real,

In fact, only love is real.

ugly woman

The ugly woman who no one sees

Turned her head today and smiled at me;

She is no ragpicker, she talks to herself

And sits by the temple and rings the bell;

From where she gets her meals I don't know,

But yesterday at night by the zooming cars she snored;

I spoke to my tootie flootie friend about

Her yesterday, and he seemed to sound

A little in despair over my unending interest

In this old woman who talks

To none but herself and god.

I wish she'd open up her voice to me,

For I know even she has a story and a destiny.

So I told my friend "God I don't know,

Why I chose you over her to give me company so;

It goes such that I witness her going about her day,

But I sit over a beer and hear what you have to say."

I don't know why my friend thinks I'm off my rocker today,

Or may be he doesn't and is just showing his care.

But as it rained hard tonight after my beer date,

My thoughts went to the old woman friend by the bend.

#fromafewyearsago

#doelsengupta