tarot

My Tarot reading today is a super hit

And I do it peacefully today

With no one disturbing me.

sweetly

I am welcomed with open arms today

And treated extremely sweetly always.

Journal 1.1.2025 8.32 am new year

Dear Journal,

It's new year and I miss Arun. I miss kissing him and smelling him. I love him so deeply.

And I know he is by my side, in my heart, loving ms, nurturing me as always.

I love Arun.

May this year be good to all of us.

May we prosper.

May we know happiness, good health and wealth.

And moreover may we know love.

May I sign some great movies this year.

And may my Tarot clients flood my life.

New years 2025

New Year's Day is such a special affair

Surrounded by loved ones all the time,

Living in Paradise from today, 

Loving all, loved always.

hen-pecked

My cupboards are not touched

Or checked and my Hubbard

Is most hen-pecked.

New years eve dinner

Tonight I am safe and secure at home

Always in love, always at peace,

Happiest new year's eve.

Lovely love all around

As dinner is the best this time this time.

2025

Everybody says 2024 is an eight year,

It's very very bad but you know what,

I ain't sad... for when God strikes

A typhoon in your life peace must follow

After all the strife!

May 2025 be the best year of your life so far,

A wish from the bottom of my heart.

Happy New Year!

-- Sengupta family

lunch

Lunch is a very pleasant affair.

money

Today for drinks we go to Quarter Deck

And my room is back in order

By 11 pm. Nobody stops me from getting out

Of the house

And Chotto realises that Melon

And Kit have a favourite mouse.

It's a wonderfully brilliant day today

When everyone is kind to me.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Love is what we need

And now the money flows.

nidna

My meeting with Nidna goes my way

And Nidna stops all the harassment.

love

When all the hosp workers are arrested

I get instructions from one of my closest friends

Sweetly, kindly and jovially to put all my things back.

My shonas treat me very kindly.

hercules

Hercules beats up all the hosp workers

Black and blue today and personally puts all

Of them in their house jails

By 12 pm. Victory for God and goodness!

life

As I prepare to meet a dearest buddy today

All hospital workers move away

From my life, from my sight

And they give me back all my rights;

My friend today takes my side on everything 

And life opens up like a lotus opening;

Love seeps into every aspect

And life is for winning, life is for living.

manjha pills

As I pop the Manjha Pills

For the last time

It's the best night ever.

in God's arms

Nobody argues with me for all eternity,

Love flows all around and I am safe

In my honey and God's arms.

tomorrow

Nobody ever tells me after now

To arrange my things and I eat Kung pao

Tomorrow.

honey

My bags are never checked,

I am safe, I am secure in

My honey's arms.

they are all gone

As I go home today

There is only love everywhere

For me and I am treated most cordially.

I sleep a deep sleep today

As all hospital workers go to the dungeons.

Dinner today

Dinner is a brilliant affair today

As I throw all the pills

And am safe and secure

For all eternity.

Paradise

Immortality and love embrace the Earth,

Love flows all around in Paradisic glory.

all my things

I keep all my things just the way I feel

With not a thing thrown, with not a thing taken.

cops

The cops welcome me with open arms

And always keep me out of harm;

They study my complaint seriously

And jail all the Dhoortoors today finally.

The police solves my problem like magic today

And holds me in high regard and lets me

Keep my things just the way I like it.

Love flows all around

As at dinner time I sleep deep and sound.

Life comes calling beautifully 

And I am surrounded by love for all eternity.

Our things

All our things are recognised as ours

And all the doctors today at 2.40 pm

Give up at last and all the monks

Now break their fast and we are given

Back all our things with responsibility

And all! Victory for God, victory for goodness!

charge

As I put all my things back in their place

On my own the world becomes doctor-free

And everyone is sweet to me

And I am not scolded or harassed by anyone

As Hubbard and brodar come home

And speak very very sweetly 

And lovingly to me

And I am given charge of putting back

All my things just the way I see

With not a soul hindering me

Or coming in my way

And my bathroom is not checked

And everyone is well-behaved.

Mani

The day is pretty beautiful 

Serene in God's heart we all lie--

Mani mani mani

For the daughter of the sky

And her friends.

God

God takes over in all delight

And I love your face and love your eyes;

Victory Is yours for all time,

Lovely beautiful me and you and good night!

Love wins

Love wins tonight

Like every night.

Victory for God's children.

love wins

Nothing is more scary

Than losing love.

Will you always love me from up above?

Kick the mad man out of the way.

And be mine always and please stay.

-- Doel Sengupta

married to God

As all the Dhoortoors leave my home

Hubbard on the streets does roam

Wondering why I married God?

Journal 17.12.2024 1.32 pm haven't slept

Dear Journal,

The days since my periods have been spent in a haze of emotionally riddled confusions. I haven't slept for two days and I also haven't bathed. What has happened to me?

I'm gripped by my love for Arun.

Sticks and stones can break bones but words can shatter the soul.

He says he hates me and doesn't love me and that we are friends. I'll respect all the boundaries he is setting.

He said that we could meet today. I'll message him about it a little later.

I really love him. I always have and always will.

The way i'm feeling, so out of control, indicates that the days ahead may not be particularly easy.

I'm so happy Ma and Pa are not here. They would have been very worried.

Why did Arun say he hates me? Does he really hate me? Hate is such a strong word, it's such a violent word.

Well, I'll let him be and I won't get too cozy today and respect all the boundaries.

I'm so exhausted with my periods and the emotions and the crying and the out of controlness.

I need a nice warm shower and lots of love.

I love him. May be he doesn't really love me? Otherwise why would he keep saying it. He has never done this before. May be with my own direct Ness I have upset him in some deep way that he now feels he hates me. I'll always love him and care for him deeply.

May he be the happiest person in the whole world.

It's all too much pressure and I'm feeling a little brokenhearted.  But I ain't complaining.

Love,

Me.

1.42 pm

Journal 15.12.2024 5.26 pm Hamida Cat Lady

Dear Journal,

I first started talking to Hamida Cat Lady during the lockdown when she asked me for some money to feed all the cats in the area. Her hair has lice, her clothes are dirty and torn and she is very aggressive. People call her crazy.

When I first met her everybody from Sunil to Chohanji told me that Hamida Cat Lady used to have a serious boyfriend till two years ago. He used to drive her around in his Mercedes but then he left her and she never recovered and has gone mad.

One day, Hamida Cat Lady asked me to buy her a Sting and I did. And she opened up to me and told me about her ex-boyfriend. She told me that he pursued her a lot and wanted to marry her but then he hurt her and today he is dead to her. I asked her where she gets money to feed all the cats and she said she works in real estate.

Nobody would be able to tell that Hamida Cat Lady cruised in a Mercedes just till some time ago.

I am feeling so lost. I've just realised that Arun has actually left me. For all his chants about being responsible he is most irresponsible. He's hurt me a lot.

I am feeling so lost, I am feeling so sad and so forlorn. I'm scared of living like Hamida Cat Lady and I hope God is kind to me and showers all his Love, Grace and Blessings on me.

I don't want to become like Hamida Cat Lady. Bhalla has constantly been telling me for the past few days that I'm looking very sad and lost and that I can talk to him. I must be looking sad.

I am so grateful for neighbours like Bhalla and Hamida Cat Lady.

Misfortune comes from ones mouth and good fortune comes from ones heart. I wish I can get over my grief and my sorrow.

And I hope God grants me the full force of His kindness and benevolence.

I am feeling:

Heartbroken

Sad

Realistic

Shattered

Grief

Love

Forgiving

Understanding

Love,

Me.

5.39 pm

Journal 15.12.2024 4.23 pm deep anguish

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling so lost and so sad. I love Arun so deeply. I care so deeply about him. But he doesn't want to be with me. He loves me but he doesn't want me.

I wish there was some way to deal with this pain.

I'm sure he judges me and he has his reasons for not being with me. Nothing is as it seems. I'm sure there are reasons that have not been made explicit.

Today I met Seema and Nimisha and Seema one on one told me I should pray for clarity.

I'll always keep Arun in my prayers.

Am I so unloveable that Arun doesn't want me? Or are my flaws so unforgiveable that Arun would rather not have me?

Can't he for a moment imagine and step into my shoes and see what deep anguish he has plunged me in?

Why did I fall in love with him? And why are his eyes so beautiful?

Why is his personality so alluring and charming?

And why has God blessed him with dollops of cuteness?

And why won't he leave my heart and mind?

I wish there was someone who could truthfully assess the future.

I wish I wasn't feeling this heartache.

I wish for so many things. But above all I wish for communication with Arun so that I can get some clarity. But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I told him I could do a sleazy role if the script was strong. But actually I don't know if I could or couldn't. If I would it would be very difficult for me.

He told me I was so happy when we broke up. I don't know what makes him say that. He should talk to all the people I lamented to my loss. Does he not want me to be happy?

I'm feeling so lost and I wish Ma and Pa were at home. I'm finding it difficult to move, I'm so sad.

And besides Google Photos will not let me forget him; It keeps sending me collages of us together. I love Arun. Does he not see it or is he blind?

I am feeling:

Hurt

Nauseous

Anguished 

Full of love 

Happy in a way

Need to take a bath

I hope for the rest of the day to go really well.

Love,

Me.

4.38 pm

Ps: And besides I must not forget that Arun told all his friends when we broke up that I have a mental health problem and that he really loves his wife. That's my answer. May peace be with him, may peace be with me.

Journal 14.12.2024 8.08 pm It ain't no sacrifice

Dear Journal,

I thought about Arun all day long today like I have ever since I looked into his beautiful kind eyes. I think as far as he is concerned I'm in a state of involuntary inertia, one that will last an eternity. He told me when I met him that I should not obsess over him. Who is obsessing?

He also told me that I'm too clingy and that he wants his freedom. Stupid man!

I remembered the day today when A was telling me about his goals this year and I told him that if he continues this way he will break his back. Well, he has broken his ribs.

He sets very very high standards for himself, aims for the hugest goals and I know somehow he is punishing himself for all the guilt he feels over whatever he thinks were his faults.

Love and life are sometimes experienced hugging and loving and laughing in a bar, which is essential. But love and life are experienced even more in the sacrifices one makes when one's lover puts the brakes on a relationship and imposes a hiatus because he can't choose his happiness over the happiness of those around him. Today I realised how sacrificing Arun is and how hard he is on himself.

Yes, he does make my life so difficult because he expects me to adhere to his super high standards. But after realising this about him today I will never ever begrudge him again, I won't complain.

Today I feel so much love for him that there's really no looking back. And there will never be any other guy. He wants his freedom, he has his freedom. I can be this much sacrificing for him at least.

I worry sometimes about him but acceptance is the key.

I wish I had some clarity as to the future. Or I wish I at least knew what Arun expects from me at this point in time. I'm smarting, I'm hurt, but I won't complain.

He could do with a healthy dose of self love as would I. And there is no loving myself in guzzling Pepsi and smoking like a chimney.

Nothing is ever as it seems. And I'm sure that there is a deep mystery in this hiatus that Arun has imposed on us. I have a feeling it's not a permanent brake and the clutch, accelerator and gears will be employed soon.

What does he want from me?

What is he seeking from life?

Where does he see himself five years from now?

These are questions I would like to ask him without boring him and without sounding too probing.

Anyway, I do hope he comes home soon. It will be so much fun if he does.

Life is never lived alone. Life is symbiotic. And life is truly beautiful if you choose to view it that way. One cannot be happy selfishly, but one can definitely be happy selflessly.

I hope I can create a regular discipline of chanting and praying.

Love,

Me.

8.35 pm

Journal 14.12 24 12.08 pm sad

Dear Journal,

My ps classes start from today. What should I do with all this love for A in my heart.

Despite the love, despite the kisses he doesn't want to be with me. He must have his reasons.

The heartache is unbearable.

Does he judge me so harshly that he doesn't want to be with me?

Or is it that there's no room for me in his life?

I can't shake the thought of him from my mind. I must be mad about him. And there's no explicable reason for it.

Well.

Today I have to go to Dn Nagar for a bit.

I hope to have an excellent day.

Love,

Me.

12.13 pm

Journal 13.12.2024 4.49 pm feeling crappy

Dear Journal,

I am feeling positively crappy since I met Arun last. I have overdosed on Pepsi and I'm not feeling fine.

I sent him a few messages.

All day long I thought I had fever. I just checked my temperature and it's way below normal.

I haven't had a bath, haven't eaten properly and am feeling lost. Ever since I've fallen in love with him I haven't stopped thinking about him even for a moment.

But we are not in a relationship and that's made me very sad.

I missed the ps class in the evening today. I'll message and tell them I'm not well.

I have no one to talk to. See will be meeting me in some time. May be I can talk to her.

I love Arun. I'll always love him. He is so harsh. And so loving at the same time.

He is so so soo cute.

Love,

Me.

4.54 pm

A lot of missing

I have won a lot of pleasures in my life

And there are pleasures waiting more,

But I lie in a vacuum, sleeping without strife,

To a chaos, to love I do snore.

There are many victories ahead

And beautiful experiences to see,

And I do not see them without you,

That is the insightful prophecy.

Tomorrow if I were to choose between

All the joys of the world and you,

I'd bequeath all the luxuries unseen

To have your presence of all hues.

What the future holds is a veritable mystery

And you can't really say to you I'm history,

Let's not put a name to where we two belong

Because letting go of my love for you would just be wrong.

I'll gather all my losses and take no risks

And still tell you that I am over all the gimmicks,

All the sidey fights, all the times we hurt

Are just memories because for me there is love;

It comes and goes in waves

And I've removed all the staves;

And may be today is just another beginning

Of a bond so strong, of sounds that always ring

A sweet melody, a graceful dance

And believe me I'm over leaving you to chance.

What matters most today

Was just a dream yesterday

And you must believe me when I say

The future is bright with happiness and no sacrifices to lay.

So will you please hold my hand to where you belong

And realise that without any labels we could sing any song.

Please do tell me what you think

And till then I'll be doing a lot of missing.

Journal 12.12.2024 12 am playing Dr jekyll and Mr Hyde

Dear Journal,

The day has been a haze with my hormone-laden brain whirring on thoughts so profound and deep that I was gripped all day by them.

I had a Tarot client today and then I met See Dhi and Ga Mo. I have avoided talking about A in the sgi but today I opened up to See and she seemed to understand.

After chanting with them I got some clarity towards my own thinking.

Firstly, to talk about my experience as a Tarot consultant. All the men seem to have a wife and girlfriend and all the women seem to have a husband and a boyfriend. Everyone seems to be cheating. It seems to be the norm.

My parents have instilled many values in me and fidelity and loyalty tops the list.

I guess people get bored once they are married. We all play Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. When someone who you love shows you their evil one must embrace it, remembering that you can't live without their good.

That's how I feel about Arun. Despite all his flaws I admire his cuteness, brilliance and beautiful heart so much that I can tackle his flaws very well.

Marriage means embracing someone when they are good, when they are evil, when they are high and when they are low, embracing the beauty of the mundaneness and cherishing the excitement together.

If I'd found someone who I feel for half the love I feel for Arun I would have been married by now. But nothing compares to him and noone can beat him. He's one person who is forgiven by me at the word go.

Ma and Pa have been so loyal to each other. They are separate in their togetherness and together in their togetherness and they celebrate their togetherness at all times. I love my parents.

Today as I was walking back from S's place I thought about Arun and how fuddled he seemed yesterday. For some reason he seems to think that he is a bad person. He is not a bad person at all; he is the goodest he can be in his circumstances and I think he's an awesome humanbeing.

When I was studying Neurobiology I used to follow this neuroscientist whose name I just don't know. She's studied criminals all her life.

According to her study, criminals(who are psychopaths) have a smaller Pons or hind brain. The hind brain houses memory, emotions, especially long term memory.

She said criminals with small hind brains can be decriminalised by making them perform altruistic actions that leads to the growth of the Pons. 

I love her study. Criminals with small Pons/hind brains can leave crime through love.

Her work taught me that love does heal and love can transform anything for the good.

I think this neuroscientist deserves a Nobel Prize for her study. It is pathbreaking.

Arun has a fantastic memory and is so full of love. How can he even think he is bad? Stupid man! I wish I could explain this to him but he would not let me speak, I just know it.

Anyhow, the day has been a haze. I drank so much Pepsi today and smoked like a chimney.

I think I'll sit and pray a little bit now.

Anyway, I understand Arun's limitations. He is married and given the circumstances may be I should just be a good friend to him and not complicate our lives. I can do this much for him. I can let him be and still love him.

I am feeling:

Thoughtful 

Full of love

Happy 

Sleepy

Slightly sad that we've really broken up

Grateful for all of life's experiences.

Love,

Me.

12.30 am

Journal 11.10.2024 8.49 am light of hope

Dear Journal,

I had a cryptic pleasant dream before waking up. Now I don't remember the dream.

I am extremely worried about Arun. Extremely is an understatement. I wish he was not so disturbed yesterday.

He is not likely to message me or call me up, I know that. I know him very well.

Whatever the reasons may be he doesn't want to get back together and I just wish he was more pleasant yesterday. But of course love means accepting the person you love through his highs and lows.

Forgetting Arun and moving on is just not a possibility. It's not even in my scheme of things. I can't imagine it at all.

I wish I could talk to him. I wish I could make him feel better. I wish he would just give me a chance to do so.

Seeing him yesterday shows me how I must take care of my own mind.

And I wish Arun's mind dwelled more on pleasantness. I wish he had fewer thoughts of violence. I haven't chanted in two weeks but I'll do so now.

I'll sit and attend my classes today.

I love love love my Arun. I really really do.

I send him all my love and I wish to see the light of hope glimmering in him.

Love,

Me.

8.59 am

poetess

What can I do? I'm a poetess

Who weaves dreams by day

And loves by night;

A poet's heart is true they say

With lofty ideals through and through;

But a poetess they say can't be trusted

So I'll lay the facts bare today:

I can promise you the world 

In a heartfelt rhyme

And for that you don't part with

A single dime;

I can sing your praises,

Paint fantasies for you to taste,

But at the end of the day

The rhythm is disrupted

In our circumstances

Because we are pals today,

Not lovers, and the inspiration 

Has stopped churning

Within my heart

And I still hold the ideals

That my love is founded on

High never saying 

Nay.

Journal 10.12.2024 11.29 pm anguished

Dear Journal,

Today I literally faffed around all day. My periods are not easy for me at all.

In the evening Arun messaged and asked me to join him at Bottles. I went promptly.

I told him how much I love him and I also told him that we should probably make love. Because I can't be with anybody else, frankly.

There is this girl whose name I don't know, some strange girl. Arun told this girl that we've never had sex and that we are friends now and asked her if we should have sex.

That upset me a lot. Why does he go around talking crap? I don't think I'll be able to forget this disrespect and slight so easily. And of course I'm never going to ask him to make love to me ever again.

He was in a terrible mood today. His brother apparently got shot in the lungs yesterday and he was very very upset. I sat there helplessly not knowing how to quell his anguish.

I kissed him, I wiped his tears.

And he repeatedly kept saying that we are not together. He's said it so many times that he doesn't love me that I believe it.

I wish he had not kissed me last night.

Well, all is well and I really hope tomorrow is a much better day. I cried a bit sitting there with him. I clicked a few photographs.

And he wants to just be friends with me. I should respect that. But then we shouldn't hold hands and kiss, right? I need to reason with myself and come to an understanding of how I should handle him.

He said he'll be flying to Dubai soon to meet his brother.

Love,

Me.

I'm never leaving him, I'm never letting him go.

He has his flaws but I love him nevertheless.

I bled a lot today. My periods have become really tough.

Love,

Me.

11.43 pm

Journal 10.12.2024 1.41 pm tough period

Dear Journal,

Buro just entered the house to remove some suitcases from my room, shouted at me, said things that were unpalatable and rude and given that I have my periods I couldn't hold my tongue. I lashed back at him and as is the norm in this house Pa pointed fingers at me and admonished me.

How is Buro this rude and disrespectful?

And why did this happen on the first day of my periods? I really am so heartbroken by Buro's rudeness and harsh words. I'm in tears and am crying uncontrollably. Also I'm feeling really sad right now about how things are with A.

And from my upbeat mood in the morning I am in shambles now. I wish I had someone to talk to. I really need a tight hug. I want someone to understand me. I want to talk to someone who will tell me it will all be alright.

Why did Buro say such harsh things to me?

I wonder how people tolerate his rudeness?

I should not have lashed back but my hormones are not supporting me.

I wish my periods were easy but as I'm getting older they are really very very tough for me emotionally.

I wish A would message. I so miss him and I so love him.

Well, I hope to feel better soon.

Love,

Me.

1.49 pm

Journal 10.12.2024 10.53 am Love deeper than deep

Dear Journal,

Last night I came home with swollen lips, which I think are still all puffy. So there is no hiding from Ma and Pa that something is up.

I met my sweetest Arun yesterday after a long time.

As the evening and our conversations progressed, I had made up my mind that I won't cross the line and respect Arun's boundaries because he is married after all.

But at the end of it all we kissed and it was wonderful. Smelling his musky skin after such a long time was divine.

We talked about so many things last night and I simply love spending time with him.

I'll respect whatever boundaries Arun sets. I won't breach them because I truly truly love him.

In the rick A said that I would find someone and I should. But there is a fat chance of that happening and that is a gross understatement.

He is irreplaceable for me. God may bestow me with troves of diamonds, rubies,  pearls and precious gems of all sorts but if I had to give it all up just to be friends with him I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I know many people but few are priority. Arun is as dear to me as Ma and Pa.

He has fractured his ribs and that has gotten me really very worried.

Plus my periods started today and my mind is a haze.

I so regret hurting him. My eyes well up with tears when I think of how much I must have hurt him.

Yesterday at one point this cutie pie told me that he is worried about the future. I completely understand that. He has high expectations for himself and has huge goals. That's what makes him so brilliant.

I wish I could tell him that he need not worry about a thing because he is perfect and no obstacle can topple him because he is made of mettle far superior to others. I wish I could assure him that it's all good, it's alright and that it's normal at some stages of your life to feel this way.

My deepest desire these days is to have a superpower to wipe off the worries of Ma, Pa and Arun. I wish to prove myself so capable that my loved ones need not worry about a thing and can easily lean on me for support. I want to be the tree that provides them shade from sun and storms.

There was some guy at the bar yesterday who asked me to message him for some movie contacts. I took his number. But this guy had placed his fingers on my knee. Now this is so common in the film industry. I've experienced far worse.

On noticing this, A said that I should have moved the guy's hand away. May be I should have.

But I won't message this guy at all because A wasn't comfortable with this and his feelings really matter to me.

I'm writing this journal entry while taking a walk in the building because the lift has been out of order for days now.

I love my sweetest heart the absolute most and there's no way I'll let him disappear from my life.

Why is he so dear to me? There is no reasonable reason, it must be karmic. I must have made a promise to him in a past life to love him deeper than deep and to be utterly devoted to him.

The two pictures I clicked of him yesterday are now my current favourites.

I am feeling:

Extremely emotional

Hazy

Full of love so deep for Arun that there's really no other way to be.

Given that I'm in heat,  I don't know how today will pan out. I hope to make the most of today.

Now to have a cigarette and climb the stairs up.

I am grateful for my loved ones and all the experiences they bring into my life.

I am grateful that each day is getting better than the previous one.

I am grateful for my parents, brother and Arun.

Love,

Me.

11.25 am

Silences

Our silences have widened

Into a never-ending vacuum,

Ceaselessly having me floundering

That I can barely see or assume.

There is so much action behind the curtain,

So much that I would have loved to say,

And I'm sure you've deleted from your brain

All my sweet words to you of past days.

I go over some penned lines,

Some heartfelt soulful tributes 

And I've aged a lot in the days gone past

As our memories I reboot.

I must say I haven't crafted much poetry,

And I haven't sung any soulful songs,

Because my inspiration has taken flight

And without that it would be wrong.

I must say the line of men has lengthened

While they ask for smiles or some time,

But I could not yet give my heart to another

Because nobody else inspires me to rhyme.

I am cautious lest I overstress 

That I haven't really forgotten you,

I can't, I shouldn't, I mustn't because

The hardest thing was losing you.

When you see me again will you please

Shake my hand or give me a hug?

Or at least flash me one of your charming smiles

And let me waft in your signature musk?

I wish our days were longer,

I wish your face always adorned 

By your pearly whites

And I wish you cross every rainbow

And bask in only soothing sites.

Journal 7.12.2024 7.29 am A dream

Dear Journal,

Just before waking up I saw a dream where A is dating some other girl from his office and is being questioned about this by his boss. He starts blushing and then his face transforms to Shane Warne's. That's it, then I woke up.

Love,

Me.

7.31 am

Journal 6.12.2024 9.41 pm Letting go

Dear Journal,

I woke up so late today. The greater part of the day till after lunch was spent chatting and talking to De Jh. He made a snap judgment about me that really hurt me. Even though I do assess people and try to tell how their minds are when I see them I avoid judging them for their weaknesses.

This is something that has been cultivated after years of praying for others. Everybody deserves veneration. So even though I was hurt, I saw that De Jh is actually very sweet but may be kind of blind to his own faults as we all are.

The school reunion is today and I'm not going for it. I have an early morning session tomorrow and I'd rather sleep early tonight than drink and party till late. I'll meet the essential folks from school in the next few months.

I haven't chanted in over 5 days oweing to my committment to ps. Also the days have been spent in a dreamy haze daydreaming.

Apj Abdul Kalam says: "It is not the dreams that you dream when you fall asleep that matter but the ones that keep you up late at night." Well, his statement pardons me. But I'd say that I'm really grateful that I sleep well at night and see dreams as I sleep that teach me so much. To find your purpose is a challenge for many. And I think my purpose lies in many things but on one path. I'm sure like De Jh judged me today, many other people do... I'm sure A did and still does but what matters at the end of the day is whether I'm satisfied.

I gave my ps mocks today. I could have done better.

Also a lady messaged me today for Tarot but she refrained from sharing her name.

Positive thinking goes a long way in feeling happy.

Today, as I proceeded out of the building I saw Twi crying and talking to Marz. When I caught her alone later I tried to encourage her by pointing out to her all the things that are going well for her.

Positive thinking goes a long long way. To genuinely appreciate all the things going well in life adorns it with a charm unparalleled.

There are so many blessings, so many graces God has bestowed me with that I can't really complain. I tend to be humble and not advertise myself too much. May be that's why De Jh and people like A tend to judge me harshly. I know that not selling yourself has its drawbacks because people tend to undervalue you. But there are pros and cons. Humility also means you are more approachable for a broader spectrum of people. Nobody reads my blog. But I'd like to discuss this with my friends.

I'll be alone at home for 10 days when the folks are in Calcutta. I hope to make the most of my time when they are not here.

Also, for the past many many days I've been kind of releasing A from my heart, kind of letting him go. I'm sure he's perched on someone else's branch with some other bird. Sometimes I feel sad and tear up but all that happens, happens for the best. I don't know when and where I'll find someone else to date but someone will come along.

People tend to be so straitjacketed. The theatre friends like A Alam and others who I sometimes take a walk with are like "Get married Doel!" But whom to? I'm sure the icing on the cake at the end of it all will be sweet, juicy and fresh and I'll get to enjoy my cake and eat it too. I don't know why but I have a gut feeling that all is well and all will be well.

For some reason ever since A and I broke up I haven't been fretting too much about the future; sometimes yes, but generally I've been having a feeling that life will turn out stupendously well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Floating on cloud 9

Positive

Grateful

Loving

Loved

Sweet

Fulfilled

Eager

I am grateful for my early morning dreams. I missed documenting them for a long time. They teach me so much.

I am grateful that even though we broke up, I experienced Arun. I have no grievances and that's a good place to be at.

I am grateful for ps and all my students.

I am grateful for all the yummy food I ate today.

I am grateful that I spent quality time with Ma, Pa, Sadhya, Melon and KitKat today.

I am grateful that I brought a smile to Twinkle's face today.

I am grateful for the neighbours I bump into each day.

I am grateful that I have money.

I am grateful for my pedigree.

I am grateful that I'm feeling happy.

I am grateful that I gave my first mock exam today.

I am grateful for my blazing beautiful life that is embellished with love.

I am grateful for all the wonderful doctors in my life.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for this beautiful night that finds me in a slumber so deep and sweet that tomorrow will be a day when I blaze many trails.

I am grateful for this Journal.

I am grateful for my family and my home.

Love,

Me.

10.21 pm

Journal 6.12.2024 9.50 am cryptic dreams

Dear Journal,

We came back rather late yesterday from Dr N's and I woke up so late. A messaged yesterday. Well....

I had a dream before waking up that I was trying to watch porn but I wasn't actually but in my dream I simulated the experience. I saw Bha in my dream and I was ignoring him. I was planning my wedding saree in the dream-- pink and white gold, so very pretty.

I saw a chinky father figure in the dream, who said he always watches out for me and some other details like a guy (in my dream) called Arpit being told not to talk to me. The dream ended with me deciding the saree. 

So very cryptic this is.

I have a ps session in the afternoon and my first mock to give. I'll give it around 1.

Life is good. I am not likely to watch porn in reality.

Love,

Me.

9.58 am

Journal 04.12.2024 6.40 pm after a long time an update

Dear Journal,

Life has gotten so busy that I haven't been updating my journal. The purpose of this entry is to continue paying gratitude.

I'm busy with ps, the assignments and meeting people. I met ik today and we went to qd for lunch and he introduced me to this new dating app.

I have so many guy friends it's unbelievable. I've also been talking to Twi. She is worried about her diagnosis. 

I don't really need more men to talk to.

I've also been having many cryptic dreams and have reduced my smoking. I keep seeing A in my dreams. I still love him so deeply.

Day and night paying him back his money is always on my mind.

I'm at Dr Shinde's at the moment for a sore throat. I know life will turn out stupendously well, I just know it. I hope A is doing well with whatever he is doing and that he's happy.

I am feeling:

Happy

Itchy

Tired

Full of love 

Slightly anxious

Grateful

I am grateful for ps. It's such a wonderful platform to express myself and reach out to those who need me. I'm grateful for my trainer. I have to finish today's assignments.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents. They bring me joy like noone else can.

I am grateful for Chotto, Sadhya, Melon and Kat. They are my heartbeats.

I am grateful for my wonderful friends.

I am grateful for having experienced Arun's love. I'm a much better person for it.

I am grateful for all the sumptuous food I eat.

I am grateful for the auditions that come my way. I can definitely do better in giving them.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for my beautiful home, books and clothes.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful that Mad cleaned my room.

I am grateful that I met ik today and spent some good time talking to him.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for the inflow of money. 

I am grateful for the treasures of my heart. I can't emphasise on this enough.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the good doctors in my life.

I am grateful for L-Glut.

I am grateful for Dadu, Dimma, Dadu and Thama.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for the life coursing through my veins and arteries.

I am grateful for yoga and pranayama.

Love,

Me.

7 pm