Last night I came home with swollen lips, which I think are still all puffy. So there is no hiding from Ma and Pa that something is up.
I met my sweetest Arun yesterday after a long time.
As the evening and our conversations progressed, I had made up my mind that I won't cross the line and respect Arun's boundaries because he is married after all.
But at the end of it all we kissed and it was wonderful. Smelling his musky skin after such a long time was divine.
We talked about so many things last night and I simply love spending time with him.
I'll respect whatever boundaries Arun sets. I won't breach them because I truly truly love him.
In the rick A said that I would find someone and I should. But there is a fat chance of that happening and that is a gross understatement.
He is irreplaceable for me. God may bestow me with troves of diamonds, rubies, pearls and precious gems of all sorts but if I had to give it all up just to be friends with him I wouldn't give it a second thought.
I know many people but few are priority. Arun is as dear to me as Ma and Pa.
He has fractured his ribs and that has gotten me really very worried.
Plus my periods started today and my mind is a haze.
I so regret hurting him. My eyes well up with tears when I think of how much I must have hurt him.
Yesterday at one point this cutie pie told me that he is worried about the future. I completely understand that. He has high expectations for himself and has huge goals. That's what makes him so brilliant.
I wish I could tell him that he need not worry about a thing because he is perfect and no obstacle can topple him because he is made of mettle far superior to others. I wish I could assure him that it's all good, it's alright and that it's normal at some stages of your life to feel this way.
My deepest desire these days is to have a superpower to wipe off the worries of Ma, Pa and Arun. I wish to prove myself so capable that my loved ones need not worry about a thing and can easily lean on me for support. I want to be the tree that provides them shade from sun and storms.
There was some guy at the bar yesterday who asked me to message him for some movie contacts. I took his number. But this guy had placed his fingers on my knee. Now this is so common in the film industry. I've experienced far worse.
On noticing this, A said that I should have moved the guy's hand away. May be I should have.
But I won't message this guy at all because A wasn't comfortable with this and his feelings really matter to me.
I'm writing this journal entry while taking a walk in the building because the lift has been out of order for days now.
I love my sweetest heart the absolute most and there's no way I'll let him disappear from my life.
Why is he so dear to me? There is no reasonable reason, it must be karmic. I must have made a promise to him in a past life to love him deeper than deep and to be utterly devoted to him.
The two pictures I clicked of him yesterday are now my current favourites.
I am feeling:
Extremely emotional
Hazy
Full of love so deep for Arun that there's really no other way to be.
Given that I'm in heat, I don't know how today will pan out. I hope to make the most of today.
Now to have a cigarette and climb the stairs up.
I am grateful for my loved ones and all the experiences they bring into my life.
I am grateful that each day is getting better than the previous one.
I am grateful for my parents, brother and Arun.
Love,
Me.
11.25 am
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