Journal 15.12.2024 4.23 pm deep anguish

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling so lost and so sad. I love Arun so deeply. I care so deeply about him. But he doesn't want to be with me. He loves me but he doesn't want me.

I wish there was some way to deal with this pain.

I'm sure he judges me and he has his reasons for not being with me. Nothing is as it seems. I'm sure there are reasons that have not been made explicit.

Today I met Seema and Nimisha and Seema one on one told me I should pray for clarity.

I'll always keep Arun in my prayers.

Am I so unloveable that Arun doesn't want me? Or are my flaws so unforgiveable that Arun would rather not have me?

Can't he for a moment imagine and step into my shoes and see what deep anguish he has plunged me in?

Why did I fall in love with him? And why are his eyes so beautiful?

Why is his personality so alluring and charming?

And why has God blessed him with dollops of cuteness?

And why won't he leave my heart and mind?

I wish there was someone who could truthfully assess the future.

I wish I wasn't feeling this heartache.

I wish for so many things. But above all I wish for communication with Arun so that I can get some clarity. But he doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I told him I could do a sleazy role if the script was strong. But actually I don't know if I could or couldn't. If I would it would be very difficult for me.

He told me I was so happy when we broke up. I don't know what makes him say that. He should talk to all the people I lamented to my loss. Does he not want me to be happy?

I'm feeling so lost and I wish Ma and Pa were at home. I'm finding it difficult to move, I'm so sad.

And besides Google Photos will not let me forget him; It keeps sending me collages of us together. I love Arun. Does he not see it or is he blind?

I am feeling:

Hurt

Nauseous

Anguished 

Full of love 

Happy in a way

Need to take a bath

I hope for the rest of the day to go really well.

Love,

Me.

4.38 pm

Ps: And besides I must not forget that Arun told all his friends when we broke up that I have a mental health problem and that he really loves his wife. That's my answer. May peace be with him, may peace be with me.