I thought about Arun all day long today like I have ever since I looked into his beautiful kind eyes. I think as far as he is concerned I'm in a state of involuntary inertia, one that will last an eternity. He told me when I met him that I should not obsess over him. Who is obsessing?
He also told me that I'm too clingy and that he wants his freedom. Stupid man!
I remembered the day today when A was telling me about his goals this year and I told him that if he continues this way he will break his back. Well, he has broken his ribs.
He sets very very high standards for himself, aims for the hugest goals and I know somehow he is punishing himself for all the guilt he feels over whatever he thinks were his faults.
Love and life are sometimes experienced hugging and loving and laughing in a bar, which is essential. But love and life are experienced even more in the sacrifices one makes when one's lover puts the brakes on a relationship and imposes a hiatus because he can't choose his happiness over the happiness of those around him. Today I realised how sacrificing Arun is and how hard he is on himself.
Yes, he does make my life so difficult because he expects me to adhere to his super high standards. But after realising this about him today I will never ever begrudge him again, I won't complain.
Today I feel so much love for him that there's really no looking back. And there will never be any other guy. He wants his freedom, he has his freedom. I can be this much sacrificing for him at least.
I worry sometimes about him but acceptance is the key.
I wish I had some clarity as to the future. Or I wish I at least knew what Arun expects from me at this point in time. I'm smarting, I'm hurt, but I won't complain.
He could do with a healthy dose of self love as would I. And there is no loving myself in guzzling Pepsi and smoking like a chimney.
Nothing is ever as it seems. And I'm sure that there is a deep mystery in this hiatus that Arun has imposed on us. I have a feeling it's not a permanent brake and the clutch, accelerator and gears will be employed soon.
What does he want from me?
What is he seeking from life?
Where does he see himself five years from now?
These are questions I would like to ask him without boring him and without sounding too probing.
Anyway, I do hope he comes home soon. It will be so much fun if he does.
Life is never lived alone. Life is symbiotic. And life is truly beautiful if you choose to view it that way. One cannot be happy selfishly, but one can definitely be happy selflessly.
I hope I can create a regular discipline of chanting and praying.
Love,
Me.
8.35 pm
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