The day has been a haze with my hormone-laden brain whirring on thoughts so profound and deep that I was gripped all day by them.
I had a Tarot client today and then I met See Dhi and Ga Mo. I have avoided talking about A in the sgi but today I opened up to See and she seemed to understand.
After chanting with them I got some clarity towards my own thinking.
Firstly, to talk about my experience as a Tarot consultant. All the men seem to have a wife and girlfriend and all the women seem to have a husband and a boyfriend. Everyone seems to be cheating. It seems to be the norm.
My parents have instilled many values in me and fidelity and loyalty tops the list.
I guess people get bored once they are married. We all play Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. When someone who you love shows you their evil one must embrace it, remembering that you can't live without their good.
That's how I feel about Arun. Despite all his flaws I admire his cuteness, brilliance and beautiful heart so much that I can tackle his flaws very well.
Marriage means embracing someone when they are good, when they are evil, when they are high and when they are low, embracing the beauty of the mundaneness and cherishing the excitement together.
If I'd found someone who I feel for half the love I feel for Arun I would have been married by now. But nothing compares to him and noone can beat him. He's one person who is forgiven by me at the word go.
Ma and Pa have been so loyal to each other. They are separate in their togetherness and together in their togetherness and they celebrate their togetherness at all times. I love my parents.
Today as I was walking back from S's place I thought about Arun and how fuddled he seemed yesterday. For some reason he seems to think that he is a bad person. He is not a bad person at all; he is the goodest he can be in his circumstances and I think he's an awesome humanbeing.
When I was studying Neurobiology I used to follow this neuroscientist whose name I just don't know. She's studied criminals all her life.
According to her study, criminals(who are psychopaths) have a smaller Pons or hind brain. The hind brain houses memory, emotions, especially long term memory.
She said criminals with small hind brains can be decriminalised by making them perform altruistic actions that leads to the growth of the Pons.
I love her study. Criminals with small Pons/hind brains can leave crime through love.
Her work taught me that love does heal and love can transform anything for the good.
I think this neuroscientist deserves a Nobel Prize for her study. It is pathbreaking.
Arun has a fantastic memory and is so full of love. How can he even think he is bad? Stupid man! I wish I could explain this to him but he would not let me speak, I just know it.
Anyhow, the day has been a haze. I drank so much Pepsi today and smoked like a chimney.
I think I'll sit and pray a little bit now.
Anyway, I understand Arun's limitations. He is married and given the circumstances may be I should just be a good friend to him and not complicate our lives. I can do this much for him. I can let him be and still love him.
I am feeling:
Thoughtful
Full of love
Happy
Sleepy
Slightly sad that we've really broken up
Grateful for all of life's experiences.
Love,
Me.
12.30 am
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