Saying I Am Worthy to myself is turning out to be a very cathartic experience. With it come flooding back memories of Ma beating both me and Buro up, of Pa hitting Buo with a belt and blaming me for it, of Pa treating me like an untouchable right from school through college, not letting me study at St Stephen's and of Buo hitting me and threatening me till recently.
I did not realise till I embarked on this experience that my sense of self worth is so dented and that I am actually so scarred and have such low self esteem. I don't keep remembering these occurrences from my life these days.
I'm so so so happy that I'm meeting Arun tomorrow. I love him immensely and I care so deeply about him. He is my soul mate.
One thing Nidhi told me during our last session was that our being remembers everything. It is not possible to extinguish a memory. Like I didn't know any better when I went through my PTSD, Ma, Pa and Buo have also made mistakes in their times of unhappiness. I can forgive them. I can, right?
I feel that I can account all my failures to this low sense of self worth that I have.
It's getting better. It already is.
But there's always this lingering feeling as I recall the past -- Ma could have chosen to be non-violent; Pa could have chosen to have faith in me and I could have reacted more maturely. But I didn't know any better. I really didn't. I only knew what I had been taught. I'm feeling so crappy today, so hurt. Old hurts and wounds seem to be festering again.
How do I forgive myself and others? The prayers are ongoing.
Maybe Ma was really depressed.
Maybe Pa was really depressed.
Maybe Buro is really hurting.
Why are we hurting so much? Why is there so much pain in our memories? What is our common karma that has caused us to experience each other? Why are we together? Still. Despite all the hurt and pain.
May be our sense of love binds us.
May be we are really eternal friends.
May be I needed to write this to process the pain.
Come rain, come sunshine, come hale, come storm I am valiant, standing tall on the pinnacles of the highest achievements. And it's my pain that gets me through. It's the lessons I have learnt from the grey clouds, their silver linings shining their light on me. And the spotlight is on me. And the performance is bedazzling.
I am grateful that I woke up refreshed today.
I am grateful that Ma cooked my brunch today. She is so sweet.
I am grateful that Pa is happy and healthy.
I am grateful that Buro is healing.
I am grateful that Sadhya is home and happy.
I am grateful that I went for Yoga class today.
I am grateful for my yoga teachers. They are teaching me so much.
I am grateful for Melon. Seeing him heals sore eyes.
I am grateful for the food I ate today.
I am grateful that Arun loves me. I love him too.
I am grateful that Arun has recovered from laryngitis.
I am grateful for Nidhi who pushed me on this journey.
I am grateful that I have a wish to stop smoking cigarettes.
I am grateful for the fish and dinner I ate today.
I am grateful for money. I deserve to be super rich.
I am grateful for my bed on which I have a good night's rest ahead.
I am grateful for this beautiful house.
I am grateful for my room.
I am grateful for my upcoming shoot.
I am grateful that I dream.
I am grateful for my good health.
I am grateful for my beautiful mind, body and soul.
I am grateful for this Journal.
I am grateful for beautiful memories.
Love,
Me.
10.34 pm
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