Adulthood has been pretty hard. Nights When I've rebelled or have been discovered throwing the pills my brother has beaten me up and repeatedly called me gandi ladki or dirty girl and called me pagal while beating me up.
Sometimes to stop the violence I have called up the police to intervene but I've never filed a formal complaint of domestic violence. He has also often spat on me while beating me up.
For 12 years the newsroom was my solace where I pursued excellence and sought acceptance with all this going on at the side at home.
My parents have always sided with my brother.
These days they are ashamed of me and don't take me out for social functions with them where even my brother has gone, saying I haven't been invited.
Ever since I've left news I have been struggling monetarily. I really want to make it again but I've lost the will to excel and succeed as I realised during the yoga class.
It's been years since I've felt that anyone is proud of me. In fact, frankly I feel like a destitute.
I am frankly feeling very sad. Very low right now, thinking that God has probably given me a heavier yoke to bear than anybody else.
I really fear poverty and being unsuccessful.
I really want someone to believe in me. I feel that I can do with some encouragement but encouragement is not forthcoming.
I feel like I can do with some kindness and understanding, but that is not forthcoming too.
My educated family has let me down.
They don't give me any money.
When I was earning at a regular job I always gave a sizeable amount of my salary to my dad and have also helped my brother out with huge sums of money.
I feel very let down and very alone and I can't stop the tears today, realising that I probably have been wronged a lot.
I have to stop smoking because I can't afford to smoke cigarettes. I don't feel I deserve to be loved because nobody loves me.
Thanks.
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