Today I got messages from DeJh and Noel.
DeJh said something like he can't meet me today and I told him that I didn't expect him to. Then he sent such a huge volume of messages that I ignored him. He is annoying.
Noel encouraged me to quit smoking. He told me that I must love myself when I don't smoke cigarettes and accept myself without cigarettes.
After that I tried to not smoke and just smoked one about half an hour ago.
I felt so sexual and I missed Arun through this craving. I wonder how he is.
Somehow intuitively I feel that he tried to get going with that girl called Rutuja. I don't know but it's something I think about.
What should I do about my sexuality? I don't want to date just any guy. And frankly, I'm irritated with DeJh.
Modelley has not been coming. Now I'll wash the vessels. I hope to make the most of this evening.
I am feeling:
Loving
Sexual
Happy
I want a companion.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
6.27 pm
Ps: About 20 years ago I had attended a lecture by VVai at Tifr on how drugs like marijuana hijack the brain's reward system.
I asked her whether cigarettes hijack the brain's reward system since I'd just started smoking cigarettes.
I've got my answer definitively from life. YES. CIGARETTES HIJACK THE BRAIN'S REWARD SYSTEM. When you smoke cigarettes you don't feel like doing much else. You don't feel like accomplishing tasks. You don't feel like taking action towards your life.
I've given up all sorts of drugs. And I have alcohol rarely. I might as well quit smoking and reclaim my agency, reclaim my life. Then I'll be that pretty 12-year-old girl who was an athlete and aced dramatics. My skin will glow and my mind will be sharp and incisive.
Love,
Me.
7.41 pm
Ps2: And my nostrils have become all flared and wide as Arun's nostril, full of raw energy. I wish he were here to love and kiss and caress. I would have so loved that through this phase of my life-- smelling him... sigh. I'm not very happy with my career at the moment to be honest.
I think I'll go downstairs and spend some time with Twi.
8.00 pm
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