Today I made it a point to do yoga in the morning, which was my first big victory. Then I had a fight with Ma who wore a sombre, dissatisfied mood all day and isolated herself completely. She screamed, she shouted and was bitter over something. She finds it difficult to forgive people. I asked her what the matter was and she said she doesn't like people or something to that extent.
I tried and did some work but I did not do my second draft for Skits. The deadline is approaching and finishing it is imperative.
I also did not study.
It was an alright day progress-wise. Ever since Eshna came and now that C Mashi is here my routine has gone for a toss.
I think it was also oweing to the fact that I woke up irritable. I just wasn't up to it today but that's no excuse. What has to be done must be done.
Somewhere along the way as the day wore on I decided that I will not stress at all over anything. Be it Arun or work or money or other relationships I will not let the load on my mind convert to stress. The best I can do is to do my best, the rest is all up to God and my karma and all I can do is just put my best foot forward in all aspects of my life. This is something I hope to follow till the rest of my life.
And I will utilise this journal to the maximum.
A Alam called and I declined going for a walk with him.
Instead I went and met C Mashi. For some reason Sadhya has become a little cold or am I reading too much into her? I don't think I'll be too close to her even though I've tried. It's all so superficial.
I treated Shefali and Buro to two plates of chicken momos each and bhurji pav. That was also my dinner.
Miso has an appointment with his oncologist on Monday. May he become fit and fine and heal.
Then C Mashi and I went for a walk to the park. I expect her to bitch about others and that is what she did. She is so bitter and harbours so much hatred towards Sh Mashi it's unbelievable. Just the way Ma feels about Pipi and Thama. There are some people they absolutely hate. I don't hate anybody and I think even with Sadhya I'll employ the path of tolerance and compassion.
Women can be pretty conniving and vily. But so can men. Men can also be very harsh, in fact more so, just the way A perceives me.
I don't want anybody to think just the way I do because that's not possible-- we are all unique.
But when C Mashi was talking about 95-year-old Dada and his Alzheimer's and complaining I laughed it off and I told her that her view on death is very cold and macabre. I think I'm the only one who tells her that. Even when Chor Dadu died I told her she should have been far more compassionate. I don't know how she feels when I talk this way. Nobody likes being disagreed with.
I think that that's also Ma's grouse with me that I tell her she should not hate Pipi and Thama like this. Thama has passed on, don't give her your ill wishes as she is born again.
Anyway, what we wish for others comes back to us a thousand-fold.
The world could really do with absolute love. Each one is suffering in their own way and we could do with lending our shoulders to other people as they endure the hardships of life.
Life is hard and everyone has their own set of worries. It's only love that makes life easy and happy.
This sounds like I view life through rose-tinted glasses but the truth is as I've come to realise that only patience, tolerance and love can heal and transform difficulties into good fortune apropos John Lennon. Forgive and live and love.
Only yesterday a girl called me and cried that she was going to kill herself because she's been unemployed. I tried my best to pacify her but I feel like counting my blessings a thousand-fold, selfishly speaking.
Selfishness breeds arrogance and differences, and hatred hurts not just the hated but also the haters. It's only through love that one can make a breakthrough when life gives you lemons. And I'm not a Saint. I've made the mistake of hating and learnt from it.
Also, we could do with not blaming others for our difficulties and misfortunes. It's all karmic. We've created the karma to suffer such and it's only through our karma that we can surmount the odds. And the only way to create good karma is to live a life of service, based on love. It's about overcoming our own weaknesses and taking responsibility.
The problem is that the fear of judgment cripples people.
Anyway.
In other news, some director fellow called A S stopped me on the road today and said he's seen me many times and is working on a script with me in mind. That's so much like what Arun would say to a random girl... :)
I am feeling:
Serious-minded
Happy
Loving
Forgiving
Trying to understand
Sweet
Benevolent
I am grateful for all the days that have passed by and all the days to come.
Love,
Me.
10.52 pm
Ps: Arun says he doesn't love me. I don't know how that works? I've never stopped loving anyone I've loved so deeply. May be he never really loved me. Whatever it is, I have to accept it and make my peace with it. May he be happy and may I be happy. He can judge me all he wants....
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