It's a Saturday evening and Arun must be up and about with someone or the other in one of his haunts. I hope he reads my poetry.
When I was dating him everybody told me he would dump me because he is married. I relented.
Today everybody tells me I am a fool to love him so and I should start dating again. That's next to impossible right now.
People say a lot of things. But they can't gaze into my heart. My own mother doesn't understand me. I don't think even Arun ever understood just how I feel about him.
When he told me the last to last time we spoke that it was his decision to break up with me I was so hurt and so pained. It's taken me about a month since then to kind of reach this peaceful state of mind. He made it seem that he was ruminating breaking up for a long time. It hurts because breaking up with him was the last thing on my mind. I really meant it all those times when I told him I would never let him go. I still can't let him go.
Because loving someone has never been this easy. Of course there is dust and the dust settles and makes things filthy.
Arun has his flaws but I've never ever had to make any effort to love him. One look at his beautiful eyes is enough to fill my heart abrim.
Dimma always told me that the eyes are the windows to the soul. And Arun's soul is so so so beautiful; he is such a good humanbeing, the sweetest heart I know.
I love his smell whether he applies perfume or not and his voice plays melodies with my heart strings.
Despite all his madness, all his flaws loving him is very very easy, it's never been easier. And that is why he will always remain most special. Dating someone else again soon is next to impossible for me. (I have a feeling he may be dating again.)
I think he has the most beautiful eyes in the whole world.
Of course loving someone means not stifling them and giving them their space and freedoms that is why I've set him free much to the pain of my own heart.
Anyway destiny is a thing that plays out at its own pace. I have decided to change my heart towards Ma and really forgive her. The beginning of this cathartic journey has given me such an immense depth of understanding and peace.
The day started out on such a pleasant note today. I decided to take my yoga mat to the garden today and one hour with the insects, birds and flowers and greens filled my soul with such delight early in the morning that I hope I have the privilege to do that each morning.
I also spent a considerable amount of time with Jaypee today. He hasn't changed a bit. But I'm a little worried about his health.
We spent hours discussing the state of newspapers, books and other things.
I've had a good day and I've reached an understanding that I have to be able to process letting Arun go with more kindness to myself. I must have really troubled him a lot that he decided to break up with me. Or may be my flaws are so huge that they were unpardonable for him. I wish him all the very best. I wish myself lots of kindness as I go through the process of healing myself.
I also ticked off all the tasks in my routine today.
It's been a good day.
I am feeling hurt and heartbroken.
I am feeling love.
I am feeling teary.
I am feeling hopeful and eager.
I am feeling determined.
I am feeling grateful that I had such a great day.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
I wish my sweet Arun all the very best.
Love,
Me.
9.51 pm
Ps: I must accept this pain in my heart and this hurt and grief and reason with it with utmost kindness to myself. Otherwise I will give in to delusions and fantasies and imaginations that will cause me to be unbecoming. Arun wants his freedom from me whatever his reasons may be. The fact is that with no effort on my part, with absolutely no dent of force my heart is set on him because my love for him is true and my appreciation of him is honest and to the point. I think he is the most beautiful human being in my life. How do I make peace with this dichotomy now? How now should I do that? May peace be with him and may God shine utmost peace on me. I don't think I'll be able to date again. Right now it seems impossible.
10.19 pm
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