Today I did not do any yoga, did not work at all and I spent some quality time with my Sheshu. Miso has cancer and is here in Mumbai for chemotherapy. I did not know that.
I'm going to pour in a lot of prayers for him. Tomorrow is his first session.
I spoke to Mesho, Mashi, Shefali and Sheshu at Bu's house.
We just came back from a dinner of Pav Bhaji.
All day long as I faced life I contemplated on the ending with Arun and faced the pain of a lost relationship.
After what happened yesterday I don't think things will ever be the same again with him.
I really regret getting angry and walking out of qd. But I was hurt and I was furious.
Well as he admitted he is loathe to forgive me for any digresses, is harbouring false notions of the past and most importantly he left me because he thinks I have a serious mental health issue. He does not believe in me.
I have also in the past viewed those suffering from a place of arrogance and I understand his point of view. He looks down upon me.
I met See in the evening and I studied On Attaining Buddhahood for Women. I'd studied it once before with Eshna today.
I did not share my problem with See but she said some very beautiful things while we were studying this Gosho.
And I realised all the way back, ruminating, that Arun's view of me is his point of view. I can accept him with his point of view.
I love him so much that I even view his rejection of me as an act of love. It causes me to fulfill my vow and expand my heart of compassion to its most vastness and embrace the marginalised and oppressed without fail and without further delay. That is my vow and that is my mission.
I will never let a single being feel that I come from a place of harsh judgment of them.
It calls for the utmost compassion and the extinguishing of any trace of arrogance in me. Of course I can't get angry because anger is an act of arrogance and we are always wrong when we are angry.
But Shakyamuni says the world of anger is a reality and even Buddhas fall into this world.
The Dalai Lama says, "If you don't get angry there is something wrong with you."
Well, this is the ending with Arun for me, the end of a relationship that brought me immense joy and value and broadened my view of life.
I won't message him or call him.
And I'll wish him well.
He gave my birthday gift of Macaroons to his watchmen.
And he could do with extinguishing his lying and deceitful ways.
But I won't tell him that because good advice always grates on the ears and I don't have that right in his life anymore.
I'm very hurt. But I'm not angry anymore. That's a major victory for me today.
I must arise to my mission without much adieu and I'm so grateful to Arun for opening my eyes. I'll never ever look down upon anyone and may I have the wisdom to make wholesome causes in that endeavour as I embrace those who need me the most.
My other victories today:
I spent quality time with Eshna and studied and chanted with her. I love her. She is such a good girl.
I met See today and I learnt so much from her. She is so wise.
I saw Sanskar's painting today. He is so talented.
I got over my anger and grief today over my lost relationship with Arun.
I am moving on from Arun.
I ruminated and realised that my mission in life is coming closer and getting clearer.
I spent quality time with Mashi and Mesho. Mashi read my palm today.
I love praying these days and I love praying for other people like Arun. It makes me feel so good.
Today was an excellent day.
I have just begun to completely move on from Arun. That's a big leap I took today.
Well, hopefully some day we will talk and have a harmonious friendship.
I am feeling:
Happy
A little pained and hurt over the ending with Arun.
Happy that I came to many deep realisations today.
Full of love.
Compassionate.
I've had a great day.
In other news Eshna has started smoking. I bought her a cigarette today for the first time.
I am grateful for the love that I have in my life.
I am grateful for the love Arun showered on me.
I am grateful because life is good and I'm getting wiser by the day.
Love,
Me.
Tomorrow better be an excellent day!
Good night!
10.53 pm
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