The past two days have been full of reflection. "Unless you make the unconscious conscious you will succumb to it and call it fate.": Carl Jung.
It's important to know yourself, know your heart, accept your deepest desires, love and forgive.
Firstly, I realised that Arun is not mine. I love him ardently but he is someone else's. I took him on rent, loved him, possessed him, cherished him but he will never want to be mine. I've given him back today. I paid the price for it and have been scathed, singed and hurt.
It's most unfortunate for his wife that he is not true to her. If I ever get married may I never have to suffer her fate. My heart goes out to her.
Arun is a most loveable, cute and sweet humanbeing and I've cherished him in all my foolishness. But it's time to let him go.
I will never again make the mistake of coveting what is another's no matter what it is. Build your own fortunes and create your own happiness. It's my mistake in a small way because I thought about my happiness and hurt his wife in return. He hurts her much more and he shouldn't be doing that. It's not right.
Secondly, any mental health issue is a complete stigma not just in this country but everywhere. Arun trounced me over it, badmouthed me to all his friends and left me. I will never ever judge anybody for their sufferings and misfortunes. We must pity those who suffer and we must have a heart of compassion for all because everybody suffers one way or the other. Love is for everybody. This is a deep realisation I've had loving Arun. I always knew it. But having him made me realise it in a way so intrinsic that its changed my life and my heart. And that is why he is very very special for me and always will be.
I thought of messaging him today but I won't. Let the silence linger. Because what will be will be.
I wish him the happiest life possible and even today I give him all my love and laughter. May he find love wherever he goes and may he be honoured and respected.
Miso's chemo session went so well. He is such a good boy. He'll get lots of kisses from me tonight.
I'll keep Arun and his family in my prayers forever. May they be a happy, healthy, prosperous family.
Ma came back from work slightly irritable. I made her a nice hot cuppa and now she's settling down with Melon and Kat.
Life is good in many ways. But like I started with this post, to know myself is the aim. I always thought I was virtuous but I'm capable of this thing that I've done. May I never ever hurt anyone the way Arun hurts his wife.
If I was in an unhappy marriage I think I would have got divorced. But he is not unhappy. He is just adulterous. And may I never ever again in my life covet another woman's man.
I've never made this mistake before. How did I do that this time?
Well, the other day See said the thing that we are loathe to do we end up doing, "So be careful what you hate." It's best to not hate anybody or anything and instead employ courage and understanding. It's vital in fact.
Well, anyway I'll end this post now and settle down to get some more work done.
These were my thoughts and I needed to give them flight.
I am feeling:
Hurt
Loving
Loved
Understanding
Have a feeling that Arun probably hates me today and is very hurt.
Eager to make more of each day.
Eager to dive into the chicken and bhakri being made in the kitchen.
May Arun forgive me.
Love,
Me.
7.16 pm
No comments:
Post a Comment