Arun is not realistic or factual. He makes up stories in his head and believes them and makes himself and everyone around him miserable by holding on to falsities. He lies a lot. He lies through his nose. And I don't think he is someone who is trustworthy or believes in being trustworthy.
I feel like I'm losing my love for him. I don't know if those feelings will come back. Of course they will! After I've reasoned with my heart enough and embraced the thought of him, I'll love him again. Yesterday I was bordering on hating him and I had to really stop my mind from going on a train of negative thoughts, something that has never happened with him before. The centres for love and hate overlap each other in the brain.
Loving someone is a decision. He has decided to not love me. And may be I should make up my mind to love or not to love Arun.
Right now my heart is very small and hurt, very very hurt. May be there will be more peace in my life if I decide to not love him. Less anger, less drama and more focus.
I can't just be friends with him.
And I don't think I can ever depend on him.
When I do feel the love again I must stop myself from calling and messaging him.
I was very hurt when he said he wants to sleep with Ma. I don't know if it was a joke. It was a very distasteful thing to say. He has no filter.
I'm really feeling very negative about him for the first time in my life.
I have to forgive myself for feeling this way and I have to forgive him wholeheartedly. I know I'll be able to do that.
He is so arrogant and selfish. And he doesn't care a damn how much he hurts the people in his life.
All the same I know despite feeling this way right now I'll love him all the same always.
I hope Miso surmounts his chemo session well.
I'll go meet Eshna at night.
Today is going to be good.
Some guy from Dramanon will call me soon.
I have tons of things to do now.
Doing yoga after two days was very very good.
Yoga is heavenly. Life is heavenly. And love is all we need to be happy. So may be I should decide to love Arun. But that will complicate my life.
Let's see. Time will tell.
I am feeling happy.
I am feeling love and compassion.
I am feeling hurt.
I am feeling worried about Miso.
I am feeling determined to achieve excellence in all that I do.
I am feeling that 20 minutes of chanting is not enough. I need to pour in more Daimoku.
I am feeling concerned about Arun. I hope he is happy.
I am feeling that life is going to turn out to be very very good.
Life is for loving. Loving is for happiness. And happiness is for all. And since I have life, love and happiness, my living is for all.
I am grateful for Miso's speedy recovery.
Love,
Me.
12.21 pm
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