I woke up late, an hour behind my time. I also slept rather late. I woke up feeling irritable. On top of that after I came back home from my yoga session Ma has been getting on my nerves about who ate the Nutella. Why does she bitch so much? Why does she in a shrill voice keep complaining? Even though Arun is not much like her they have a lot of similarities.
Arun has been on my mind constantly as I'm going through life since we last spoke. Why does he ignore my messages? Don't my good wishes cheer him up? If I keep thinking about him it must mean I love him, right?
I do. I love him very very deeply. Out of all the gracious features God has blessed him with I love his hands the most.
It's not nice when someone you love so ardently says they don't love you. It makes me feel so unbeautiful and like such a small person.
I miss having him as my boyfriend. I miss him calling me up a few times a day to check on me. I miss showing my concern about his food, his exercise, his health. I am still concerned about this and I pour it all into my prayers for him.
I'm so happy I pray. I know my prayers for him make a difference. I'll always ALWAYS keep him in my prayers. I pray for his wife, his children and all the assortment of people in my life. But I always begin my prayers with thoughts for him. I hope he is happy. But I am not, you know. I'm trying to be happy.
I hope his meeting yesterday went well.
It's a blessing to have C Mashi here. I've been spending time with her. I love her too.
I don't know what to think when it comes to Arun. Is it totally over between us? As in is our friendship also over?
I know I say unpalatable things when I'm angry but my split anger happens. I do sometimes get angry and my study of Buddhism has taught me that it's a very very normal thing.
Now I have to polish the play for skits, start working and I HAVE TO STUDY today. I just have to.
I wish Arun all the very best in his life. May he be the happiest person in the whole world.
I am feeling:
Hurt and sad
Slightly unhappy but not so much that I won't perk up.
Loving
Blessing
Benevolent
Sweet
Unbeautiful
Hopeful
Teary
Sad that Sadhya is so discouraging
My wins since yesterday:
I wrote the first draft of the play for Skits. V and F have to work really really hard to pull it off.
I spent quality time with my family and bonded with Eshna yesterday. She is so beautiful.
I prayed ardently. Praying for other people makes a difference. I don't know how it will manifest in my life but it is definitely transforming the quality of my dreams.
I bonded with Bhalla yesterday over a cup of coffee. I wish him all the best.
I'm keeping up my practice of yoga and it does make a huge difference.
I hope I can be happier as the day goes on and I hope to make the most of this day!
Love,
Me.
10.38 am
Ps: I need my Oxytocin boost. And I don't want it from anyone but Arun because noone smells quite as Arunnish as him. I need the hugs, I need to feel that special bond I so cherish him for. He makes me happy, he makes me a better person and he has instilled a desire in me to be the best version of myself. All I can really do is shower my love and blessings on him through prayer. I hope I don't continue to feel so distraught. I think it's because he didn't acknowledge my message yesterday.
11.11 am
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