Journal 27.11.2024 5.16 pm my mind

Dear Journal,

My mind is a warble. And I don't know what to say to anybody.

I have nobody to talk to and I really miss Arun's company.

I feel all alone and I must be able to take care of myself. It's not like I had any hopes pinned on our relationship but I did feel that our togetherness would last.

I must not impinge myself on him.

This journal is a blessing.

To know Arun has been one of my life's greatest blessings.

Love,

Me.

Journal 27.11.2024 1.11 pm Missing Arun

Dear Journal,

I woke up with a dream of Arun. I dreamt that Ramk had given me some work and that I have finished it and that I love Arun. I saw him in the dream as the object of all my desires and I saw him coveting an older woman. I still love Arun so deeply. I can't stop thinking about him at all.

I have the assignment from Ra Maj but I'm sitting on it. I haven't got many Tarot clients in the past month and I haven't chanted in days.

I think things plausible and true but I can't tell anybody.

I think things of all sorts and may be I should be regular with my meds. 

See Dhi has called me to her place today.

I'll meet her.

Now i'll chant after days and get on with my day.

I am whole, I am healthy, I am full.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for having loved Arun.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful that I'm accepted and loved.

I am grateful for God.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my beauty.

I am grateful that I have Ra Maj's project.

Love,

Me.

1.23 pm

Truths

Our lives are the lies we tell ourselves

And our victories are all the Truths

On which we dwell.

Harmony is in the nosiness of our beings

And love is all the sustenance that we

Will ever need.

Life goes on deathless into the vast beyond 

And there is no pain when you employ

Understanding as you are fond.

There are Truths in every lie

And the Truth can never quite defy.

-- Doel Sengupta

No more blindness

If there was anymore sunshine

I would probably go blind

In the wind, in the rain,

The light so beautiful

That I see again in

The golden rainbow

Of the night

The sun

Shines oh

So bright!

-- Doel Sengupta

Love is all I need

Love is beautiful, love is pure

Of that I am super sure;

In the middle of the life

In the jungles of heaven

Beautiful priceless gems shine

For immortal Paradise!

Journal 18.11.2024 3.28 pm Uma dida is no more

Dear Journal,

A while ago Ma messaged that Uma dida is no more. It's not good to keep regrets. I'm so sorry that I didn't eat lunch at her place the last time I was in Calcutta. May her soul rest in peace and may she be born in the happiest circumstances. Her death makes me sad.

In other news, I'm very sad that Arun is not talking to me. May be I should not have told him how much I love him and miss him.

I don't know how he's feeling. But a gut feeling tells me that he is very very sad. I hope I'm wrong. And this thought is also making me very sad.

May be I should completely let him go and let him be. But I could never live away from him. That would make me saddest and I want to be happy.

I wish I had an answer to my question. Will he have me in his life?

Silence speaks louder than words and his silence tells me he wants to be left alone.

I so love him. I so want to kiss his cheeks.

And I wish I could pay my last respects to Uma dida. Her life has been a celebration.

I hope I end the day on a happy note. I really wish for Arun to love me. Does he really not love me anymore? That makes me so sad and makes me feel so unlovable and dejected.

I think he's probably happy. 

Will he call me again?

I think I'll never stop loving him ever. And I need a way to manage the deep emotions I have for him in my heart.

I wish he was communicating. I wish I knew his thoughts.

May he be super happy. May life give him whatever he desires and may he always be loved. He's loved by me for sure.

Love,

Me.

3.39 pm

Journal 17.11.2024 4.43 pm Life is too short to....

Dearest Journal,

Life is really too short to not be Arun's friend just because I have such a deep ardent love for him. In fact, that is more reason to be friends with him. But I won't message him. I'll give him his peace of mind.

Life is too short to hold grudges against anyone. You never know when you'll meet them next in the eternity of life.

Life is too short to squander time.

Life is for living, yes. But basically life is for loving.

Life is for forgiveness and the sharing of stories.

Arun is married. On every date I met him he spoke about his wife. I should be understanding. I can't trouble him just because I love him.

I've been all tears ever since he called. I can't seem to stop crying. I wish I could tell him that I'll always think that he is the cutest person in the whole world and my favourite human being.

Life is too short to not have him by my side and listen to his stories.

I really care so deeply about this man. I wish he felt love for me.

I'll never be able to stop loving him.

You know I'm so so so worried about him. Is he fine? Should I call him? But he needs his space.

Where will I find another Arun D? There is no one like him. My best friend, my heart beat.

Love,

Me.

Journal 17.11.2024 10.52 am Guz's birthday

Dear Journal,

Today is Guz's birthday. Tomorrow is Subu's and G's. I have to wish all of them.

I have to let go of Arun. I don't think I'd ever believe him if he were to tell me that he loves me. I was so expendable for him.

Its not rocket science, it's easy to say he's found someone else.

But what should I do with all these feelings? I'll keep them in my heart and love him all the same. It's going to be very difficult to move on. Very, very.

I've cursorily prepared for the zadankai.

I hope to have a great day!

Love,

Me.

10.56 am

Journal 17.11.2024 8.51 am Guz's birthday

Dear Journal,

I think I've gone mad. Why did Arun call me up? We didn't talk for very long but even hearing the slightest glimmer of his voice changes my world.

It's Guz's birthday today. I'll call her up. She hasn't really kept in touch. Tomorrow is Subu's birthday and also G's.

I have to learn to take care of myself. Nothing has changed. Nothing. I don't think I want to meet A, even though I'd love to see his sweet face.

I'm not really being able to remember my dreams these days. They give me indications of how things are.

Nobody will ever love A more than I do. I don't think it's possible.

But he doesn't want to be with me. And that makes me so sad. I would have done anything for him. Even this I will do, not talking to him or troubling him and giving him his peace of mind.

I told him whatever I wanted to tell him over messages. Now I won't call him or message him. I'll let him be happy.

I hope he's taking care of himself. He must be drowned in alcohol with some other pretty girl by his side.

I really hope I can get over him.

Well.

I am feeling:

Teary 

Sad

Very emotional

Deeply in love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.01 am

Giving

This heart in which I harbour all thoughts

Is hardened with pain and tears of what was wrought

And in it  there were so many dreams sought.

Ah! To feel the cool balm of love again

As I receive so I give and give and give I do.

Journal 16.11.2024 12.26 pm Iam grateful

Dear Journal,

I was so sad yesterday. I cried a lot because I love Arun so deeply still. And I'm very grateful that he replied to my messages at night because if he hadn't I would have never slept. I slept like a baby yesterday.

He said he'd call. I'm assuming some day. I was so happy in the morning when I woke up. Because it's always nice to hear from the one you love.

But right now again I'm feeling desolate. Because he did tell me so many times that he doesn't love me anymore, convincing me to that effect.

It's going to be very difficult to just be friends with him but I'll give it a try.

This Vin casting guy has been messaging and calling all morning. I've been ignoring him but may be he really wants to tell me something so I'll call him back.

I have to write the play for the zadankai and I'm just not feeling up for it.

How are Arun's days going? He's so disciplined when it comes to work so I'm sure he's pulling through just fine.

Things will never be the same with him again because I'm so hurt.

When we were breaking up I felt that if he just gave it a chance things would be better than before. But he said then that he doesn't love me and has moved on. It was so easy for him to discard me from his life.

I really hope today is a much better day than yesterday.

And I don't know but I wish I was not so magnanimously emotional about Arun that all I see is him. He doesn't feel that way about me and that's a pity.

I wish things were different. I truly wish.

I wish we were on the same page.

Love,

Me.

12.38 pm

Journal 15.11.2024 4.53 pm Feeling misunderstood

Dear Journal,

I've been sad since morning. Just when I thought I would move on I got a call from A yesterday.

I've not been my happiest since morning. After all, he did discard me just like that from his life. He said it was because people told him things about me. But I know he had his reasons.

In fact, I'm glad he called. Not only did I get to hear his voice but I faced facts. He did break my heart very badly. And it's not the first time. He's broken my heart on many occasions even while we were dating.

I'm sure he's found someone else. And the last thing I expected and now I realise even wanted was a call from him.

Shakyamuni Buddha said: "The farther the source the longer the stream." With this whole infinite depth of feelings I have for him and in general I know that I have a very very long way to go. I have very far to go.

A did ignore me completely for two whole months before breaking up with me. And I can never forget that slight.

I don't want to overthink anything so I haven't been thinking anything but just generally harbouring my feelings.

Why did my heart choose him to love so deeply? And why exactly do I love him so deeply? And what should I do with all these feelings I have for him? And will I ever heal?

You know my friends say that I've gone through much more than most people but I feel that I also feel far more than other people, I have been gifted with far more insight and love than most people and I have a desire to serve more than most.

The conditions will arise when all my desires will fructify and I don't think anyone quite sees things the way I see them. That is why sometimes I feel misunderstood. In fact, right from my parents to my brother to A everyone feels my heart is to be trampled upon and I can be slighted in any manner and anyhow. I think my love is taken for granted. And I should do something about it.

I have friends who think they know better than me what is good for me. But no one knows me better than myself. May be I'm not that assertive and I don't say things when they should be said and I always wait for the after....

Well, anyhow today I feel hurt by A. All these days away from him I've been kind of nursing my feelings. But today I feel he has really broken my heart. Of course, he says he doesn't love me anymore so there's nothing to be done.

I would have never hurt him the way he hurt me. But that's me. He would have hurt any girl the way he hurt me because he did.

Taking him off my priority list is virtually impossible and unfathomable right now. And who knows what the future has in store. (And I'm not letting any soothsayer's words influence me.)

Life is dynamic. You meet people every day. And there are all sorts of friendships and relationships.

A week ago I really wanted to meet him. Right now after realising how heartbroken I really am I don't want to see him. If he were to ask me to meet him (hypothetically speaking) I wouldn't say no but gone are the days when I'd feel like wearing something nice to meet him. I, in fact, don't want him to see my face that's how desolate I'm feeling.

I could cry a little more than I have today. Such is life.

I am feeling:

Hurt

My mind is a whirlwind

Full of love

My pulse on the future

Respectworthy 

Reflecting on the past which I shouldn't 

Happy

Need to feel centred

Loving

Loved

Feel like I'm not really seeing things the way they should be seen and I wish someone who understood me could give me perspective.

In other news, life is good. I have learnt to never underestimate anybody and to never look down upon or to look up to anybody. G used to tell me that I never quite keep the status quo. I don't.

All people are capable of both good and evil. Even the angel aunty who smiles at you on the road has skeletons in her closet. So forgiveness is for all. And I must be able to forgive Arun, my mother, my brother, all people I love deeply and who have hurt me.

I wish I was wiser. I really wish I was.

And I wish I knew something about the future. Or wherefore I'm headed or what exactly is the right thing to do. Meeting a therapist is like applying bandage to a wound. I want a friend who really knows and understands me to hear me out. But given that I never tell anybody anything these days that's unlikely to happen.

I feel highly misunderstood and alone. I feel like nobody really understands me except myself and I in turn understand everybody.

May be I need some appreciation. I never get any from my family and never got any from Arun. Why are things like this?

I've never become a mother but I've loved many children as a mother. But I don't think anyone's ever understood the child in me. Not even my own mother.

I feel like I should move on from Arun. Let bygones be bygones and really forgive him.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.41 pm

Ps: Both very wealthy men and very beautiful women are capable of exhibiting a very nasty heart. Both De Jh and Sa Li today messaged me with several angry smilies saying I'm a very bad friend because I don't talk to them when they need me most. They are both very good friends. I told both of them I would attend to them when I'm feeling up to it and that I need space since I'm not feeling too well. I'll call up Sa Li before sleeping today.

Nichiren says: "Suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life."

What gives suffering also brings about joy and what is absolutely joyous (like Arun for me) is capable of giving immense pain. And nothing is totally all joy or all pain and it's presumptuous to accept or reject anything on account of either.

My periods are becoming emotionally difficult for me as I get older and I wish I had someone to talk to. When I tell Pa I have my periods he's very sweet to me. When I tell Ma that I'm feeling low because I have my periods she disregards my suffering and says all women go through it. Right through life Ma has shown me that she is capable of being very mean. Arun is also exactly like that. They both sometimes don't make the effort to be compassionate and see someone else's suffering. Egoistic.

And why exactly do I give Arun so much importance? Why do I write so much about him and think about him so much? Because I genuinely love him. I always, always will. But a lot of water has flown under the bridge. I haven't seen him in over four months. And a lot has happened since then. And he says he doesn't love me anymore. But I guess the bridge hasn't cracked and is still standing strong, having weathered the storm. We can still respectfully communicate. And it's never good to burn perfectly accessible bridges that fortify our lives. So I guess, on that note I'll accept my obnoxious wealthy guy friends despite their tantrums and also keep my arms open for Arun always. Because the bridges still stand. This is just a small hurricane.

7.13 pm

Journal 15.11.2024 9.59 am A feeling of letting go

Dear Journal,

I do love Arun. But even though I was happy he'd called yesterday I was left with a feeling of sadness after talking to him. After all we are not together anymore. And he says he doesn't love me anymore.

How do I stop loving him? I'll never be able to.

I saw some complicated dream before waking up and since morning I've been feeling really sad. I'm all tears right now.

I've been thinking that God has given me a really difficult mother. And I do have a yoke to bear. And that I should be grateful.

Will I ever find love again? And will I ever be able to get over A? What does God have planned for me, I do not know. All I know today is that I've wasted enough precious time and I can't anymore.

What does Arun think of me these days, I wish I knew. Does he respect me?

I've never quite ever opened up to him and there are many things I haven't told him being the listener to him.

I really do love him.

I'm sure he's with somebody else now.

I really hope to bring lots of joy to my parents. What I have I can't lose.

And I know that life will always treat me really well.

I wish I could stop smoking. If I'm able to do that, that would be a real victory.

These are just random meanderings of my mind right now as I can't stop the tears.

To let go. Like to really let go is what I seek.

I may find many reasons to find fault with Arun. But he is not a wifebeater. He is a decent gentleman who has a huge heart.

His smile and his sultry eyes keep flashing in my mind's eye. And I miss him. But today I can say that things will never be the same ever again. And that loss really hurts. And I must make room for the unknown to become known and to embrace life and love with all its beauty.

I don't know where I am and where I'm headed. All I know is that I have faith and my heart to carry me forward.

This De Jh messages me all day long. It doesn't seem like he has a lot of work to do. Spoilt rich brat is very annoying.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents who put up with me without complaining.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful that I have this gorgeous day in front of me to make the most of.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for this beautiful home.

I am grateful for time.

Love,

Me.

Journal 14.11.2024 2.08 pm It's lovely

Dear Journal,

I started the day glumly, thinking about Arun. But I forced myself to get on with the day. And then as I was chanting, praying for him the phone rang and he called!

I was so surprised to receive a call from him. I always have to stop myself from telling him I love him these days. We spoke briefly,  but even a few words exchanged with him is worth it. It is worth way more than all the joys of my life put together.

Anyhow, for the past month or so I feel like a great beautiful windy gale is brewing in my life and when at its force it will sweep me away. It's a good feeling but it causes me to feel that it's out of my control and I'm really trying very hard to get a grip on things. My periods are on and that doesn't help with feeling up to it.

Anyhow, today Bda didn't end up coming and that makes me happy. Sam has been sharing pics of his trip to Neral.

And I shall do all my nitty gritties and make the most of this day.

I'll always love Arun. He's always going to remain the most special guy in my life.

He asked me about the movie. It seemed like that is why he'd called. I told him that I'd declined the offer. I don't know how he feels about it.

Life is good. And like Sam says Life is Beautiful.

Yesterday, H Meh came home and told me to paint more. I really really should. But I haven't in so many months.

I ignored De Jh this morning and he felt really bad. But I can't chat with him all day long. I just can't. Even though he's very sweet and all that.

I am feeling:

A whole lot of love

Love,

Me.

2.22 pm.

Journal 12.11.2024 6.02 pm Meeting Sam

Dear Journal,

Ever since I've started talking to Sam I feel like I've been immersed right at the bottom of the universal ocean of love, so efficacious is his positivity.

When I first started talking to him I missed Arun so deeply that for the first three days I cried in pain and slept all day.

And then of course I met Sam himself. He is such a ball of optimism. Even though I'd decided I won't talk about A all evening that's all I spoke about and S said: "You are so into him."

He came across as such a sweet pious Jewish man and I feel he'd be a great influence on me.

He spoke about his ex, I spoke about A and as it turns out we share a lot in common.

I feel ever since I've met Sam that I've been immersed in the Universal dream with my pulse on it.

As I learnt that Sam's father is the head of the synagogue in India and he comes from a very orthodox Jewish family and will marry only a Jewish girl. That was a little painful to hear at first since he's so amazing but it's lovely. My first real Jewish friend.

The other day after he'd dropped me home he sent me a video about letting go. I just watched the video again and yes, I realise, Arun doesn't want to be with me so I have to let go, completely. I'll always, always love Arun but I must distract myself.

I feel like I've been hypnotised by Sam's positivity. He's so hopeful.

De Jh has been messaging me that he wants to buy me a gift just like that because he thinks I'm so sweet and I've been protesting. Now I've just stopped replying to his messages.

I bought Sam the James Allen and Chaim Potok books and he said he would buy me a nice Torah when he goes to Israel.

It's such a small world! He was at the Israeli embassy party I attended in 2016 on behalf of DNA.

We've decided to be friends which is the right thing because we come from starkly different cultural backgrounds. I really respect him.

His nephews are so cute. Two naughty Jewish boys.

It's wonderful to make friends and it's really wonderful to meet Sam. Like he said: "It seems like us meeting is part of a divine plan and it doesn't feel like we've just gotten to know each other."

It's amazing, life is very very good.

In other news, I've cleared all the rounds of Psat and my training starts next week. I don't think I'll be able to go to Calcutta, which is a great pity.

I am feeling positively beheld and drowsy all day and Ma and Pa say they are feeling exactly like that too. I guess it's the weather.

I think I love Sam but I'll never tell him that. That'll be too precocious and in the way of our friendship.

I am feeling:

Good

Happy

Positive 

Grateful 

Full of love

Sweet

Loved

Humble

A little worried

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life with all its wonderful experiences and all the people who adorn it. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.30 pm

Journal 10.11.2024 10.39 am Reaching for the moon

Dear Journal,

Last night mosquitoes bit me through and through and through it all I remember dreaming that I was reaching for the moon.

Actually it's a good thing that it's over with A. He doesn't have it in him to be true to me. 

I'll never forget how he told Vib to suck his dick or how he fell at that girl Rut's feet. He is not a decent man when it comes to women. Not in the way he talks.

But he did treat me very well (I mean decently) and he has a gentle heart that made me value him.

I'm sure he's with someone else now. That goes without saying. And he lies through his nose and is not to be trusted. He lied on his birthday.

He's arrogant to the core. And I'm sure he was not true to me.

All these remembrances hurt me. He did stare at Mun all through the first innings of the World Cup finals.

I should let him be. He'll keep philandering into his old age.

He judged me.

Actually everybody told me to leave him. Dr Dhawale when he met A had told me not to be with him, saying that he has a lot of issues and would never be true to me. But I would never do that to A. I should probably listen to people more. Or I don't know.

And then A told me that he'd left me because people told him to leave me.

That really hurt me.

He has his own psychological issues. Why did I love him so much? Why was my heart not more reasonable?

His face keeps flashing into my mind's eye.

I don't hate him. He's a humanbeing. And nobody is perfect. And I do know that he's valuable.

I wish him all the best.

I really hope Sam and me hit it off today and that we enjoy each other's company.

Love,

Me.

10.51 am

Journal 9.11.2024 3.05 pm Moving on

Dear Journal,

I must let my relationship with A rest in peace. He didn't give me any explanations except that I'd troubled him and that he's moved on. I think he still owes me an explanation for just leaving me whatever it may be.

It's no point being so unhappy and constantly thinking about him. Of course I still love him. I know I always will. But he troubled me a lot too. By no measure was he an easy boyfriend to have. He made me cry, he broke my heart on many occasions and he has his own madness. Yet I would never hurt him the way he hurt me. May be I did always love him more.

It's not like he stayed. He judged me. He discussed me with all and sundry and took a decision and took off. And plus of course he is married.

It has all been too much, you know journal.

He's been a helluva complicated troubled boyfriend to have. Should I delete our pictures at some point?

He's not available for a conversation. And the last time I called him he was very very rude to me. I don't think I deserve that kind of disrespect and arrogance from him. He thinks no end of himself and looks down on people less fortunate than him. That can't bode him well in life or give him true respect since he doesn't respect people in general.

These are his drawbacks. And I won't expound on his virtues. Paeans of this journal are filled with how much I love him and what he means to me. But if I mean nothing to him is there any point in dwelling on all that?

I wish him well. May he be happy and healthy. I actually worry about him. Something tells me he's going through some pain. Is he really or is it just a passing feeling?

I'll be fine. I have to bury this relationship. I have set him free and now I have to fly away to perch on finer branches.

I am feeling:

Freer

Happier than I've been in the past two weeks because I've actually decided to move on. And there's no turning back from here. I won't take Arun back anymore.

Alive

Awake

Cold

Dry

Appreciative

Sweet

Loyal

Happy

Eager to make the most of my day and my life

Let bygones be bygones. If he loved me half as much as I loved him he would have treated me differently not just at the end but throughout our relationship.

I am grateful for my sweet family and all my lovely friends and all the many men who evince an interest in me (I've never actually enjoyed the attention.) But they tell me that I must be pretty and wonderful in my own sweet way and I'm happy for that. I am grateful for God's many gifts to me.

So the other day I met De Jh. And we were discussing palmistry. And I've been studying his version and I notice that I have whorls on both my thumbs and mounts of moons. What does that mean? There isn't much explanation about it on Google. Whorls on the thumbs Google says is determination and will power and on the mounts of moon it means imagination. 

Well, well.

I hope to enjoy with Sa So on Monday. Then he's taking off for Israel. He's very sweet. I hope to have a long, deep conversation with him on Monday. Really looking forward to it.

May be at some point I'll get over A completely. And then, of course, if that happens I won't even want to be friends with him. Because I actually am hurt.

Love,

Me.

3.34 pm

Journal 9.11.2024 9.41 am I should really

Dear Journal,

I should really really let Arun go from my heart and mind. He is married and not ever likely to be loyal. I should really set him free.

I should really make the most of each moment, utilising it towards my growth and evolution.

I should really cherish my family. They are my backbone.

I should really diligently pray each day. It shapes my life.

I should really may be give Sa So a chance.

I should really be happy because I did, of course, say I love him. And he doesn't. So that's his choice.

I should really really love everybody and happiness will follow.

Love,

Me.

9.45 am

Journal 9.11.2024 8.50 am Dreaming of being alone

Dear Journal,

I've been having recurring dreams of being all alone.

I am actually feeling all alone despite talking to people. May be I should be nicer to the people I talk to and not isolate myself with thoughts of A.

I still love him so deeply. And I do feel alone in real life.

I, of course, googled the meaning of the dream. Is he happy? It was so easy for him to leave me. That makes me very sad.

Love,

Me.

8.54 am

Journal 8.11.2024 7.27 pm Remembering Laxmidoss

Dear Journal,

I'm really not taking care of myself. I don't feel like dressing up when I go out because I'm not going out with A. When I receive people at home I'm being such a plain Jane. This has to change.

Whenever I miss Arun acutely my mind goes to Mr Laxmidoss, the astrologer I had met in Chennai. It's not like I feel my heart abrim all the time for Arun; I feel the hurt, I feel the pain. But in the past I've always moved on really quickly from break ups. But this time it is not so.

I really love him in a selfless kind of way, appreciate him for his beauty. I was thinking about the ambigram he designed for himself last year. It was a work of genius. I so love this man. And I can't forget him and I don't want my love for him to die because he brought me so much joy and inspired me so deeply with just his regularness and his solemn entity.

He is so handsome and cute. And the pictures of us that I have show how deeply in love we were.

I imagine when he says now that he doesn't love me anymore he feels the way I felt when we were first going out. In his pain and anguish he hurt me a lot those days, comparing me to his wife and exes repeatedly and I used to walk around feeling brokenhearted. But I gave us a chance because I truly loved the fragrance of his skin and even within that pain I felt the light of love.

I must have hurt him so that he also felt broken hearted.

Yesterday when I was reading cards for De Jh, he said he wants to sever ties with his girlfriend because she is so dependent on him emotionally. I picked his cards and he got the devil and the Queen of Cups among other cards.

And I told him it's not possible for him to sever ties completely because the attraction and respect he has for her will never allow him to do that.

Then I went out of the realm of the cards and told him that when a woman is in love she does become more submissive emotionally and her judgments are coloured by her partner's judgments because she basks in the glory of her partner's protective love. That is a sign of a woman in love.

Did Arun also feel I needed him too much and was too dependent on him? Well I loved him and respected him in a way I have no other man and I actually really miss him.

Mr Laxmidoss used to be an engineer from a family of astrologers who was always sceptical about astrology. But once he got the conviction he left everything to become an astrologer. Much like my Tarot card reading.

He told me a few things till now that have come true and he's told me about things here on... let's see. I don't have his number.

I was in the midst of breaking up with G and Mr L told me it would never work out. Looking back me and G would never have made it. There was no real connection but I felt otherwise those days.

He said then (and I just can't shake the memory of this meeting since meeting and knowing A) that I would fall in love with a married man, much older to me and with children, and he described A just as I see him, at the age of 38. I met A at the age of 38. He said, "You may not believe it but this will be the relationship of your life. If you don't marry him it'll be because of your own inhibitions so when this happens don't hesitate. But believe it or not whether you marry him or not this man will be your partner." I think about this and I feel hurt because things are just not like that right now.

I shouldn't trouble A with messages. I should give him his peace of mind.

Mr L also told me that my life choices are most unusual and my life path would be most unusual and that I'd get all the world's happiness but a little later by 42 or something.

He said I would battle one major illness in my life but I'll do it beautifully and be very happy always from the age of 40.

And he said, "You are blessed with bliss in your old age (something other astrologers also told me). Normally, people suffer when they are old but you will be very happy. You should be grateful to God for blessing you with happiness in your old age. It is rare."

He said things are coming a little late to me because I'm unusual and out of the norm. But that I would taste major success.

Anyhow, I do have a gut feeling that life will turn out fantastically.

But right now I just don't want to dress up and I just don't want to go out.

Keeping Mr L aside, because all astrological predictions at the end of the day should be taken with a pinch of salt, all I really want to do is sit and talk to A. May be over a walk, may be over a drink. I'll hold my tongue, I won't tell him that I truly deeply love him and adore him.

I want to know, really know, how he is, whether he's happy and what's on his mind.

I won't lean into him and smell him and I won't hold his hands and kiss them. I just want to talk to him and see him. But whatever the circumstances of his life, he doesn't want that.

I need to see him to know he's fine. I so deeply care about him that I need to know that he's happy. I don't know why but lately I've been very worried about him and it's kind of driving me a little bit mad. I haven't prayed for three days. And something is telling me he's not very happy.

All I want to do as his well-wisher and friend is assure him that it'll all be alright. I want to give him hausla. 

Have I ever loved anyone this much? I don't think so and having reached thus far in this Journal post I think Mr L was right, Arun is the love of my life. Such is the power of creativity, it reveals hidden Truths,  even if only in the form of a blog post.

I really want to meet Arun. Whenever that happens is going to be a happy happy day for me because the wait has been one of anguish. I wish I could sit and pray. And I'm going to attempt it now. Why am I so worried about him? I hope he's alright.

I love A.

Love,

Me.

8.11 pm

Journal 8.11.2024 2.01 pm A great force

Dear Journal,

The past two weeks have been a lesson in themselves. I can't say I feel lethargic, but I feel stuck.

I feel that any small effort I need to make is monumental and against my calling and that there is a great force holding me back and sweeping me in another direction.

Nothing seems to be easy. It's caused me to feel faint, dizzy and whoosy. 

I feel rooted in a direction I'm unable to see. I feel like there are steps I must take but that those doors to opportunities in my destiny are yet to open.

I've been feeling for many years that I have far too many guy friends. I try to keep in touch with my women friends but they don't really want to talk to me. Hence, I'm always surrounded by men.

Apart from Hamida cat lady, Ma, Eshna and Qud there are barely any women I talk to regularly. Yes, the little girl children, yes.

Years ago, Acb had told me that women are jealous of me. I believed it but today I don't. I wish I had more women to talk to.

When I was with A I didn't really pay heed to De Jh and Sa Li because I was so caught up in my love for A.

And now I meet De Jh, Sa So, Sa Li, Vi Ti and many other guy friends. They validate me and tell me I'm simply wonderful. Well but am I more wonderful than others? Each person has their specialty, right?

Yesterday De Jh came over. I've really ignored him in the past many years but he doesn't seem to mind. He's so religious and pious. And as it is with such people you are always on your toes lest you offend them.

He and Sa So have been going on and on about what an amazingly beautiful being I am. It's so outright outrageous.

Nidhi said to overcome this feeling of stuckness I must exercise more. DR Shinde said it's an acute acid reflux problem making me feel this way. And right from Pa to Buro to everybody else I'm being told by everybody that I look absolutely fine.

But I don't feel fine.

In other words am I stuck in my feelings for A? Is that the force holding me back? I love him so absolutely and unconditionally. He's so cute.

Or may be it's Esme Wang's book that's done this to me.

I really hope I feel better.

The day has been started in stuckness and I hope I end it in grand momentum.

I feel:

Cold

Dry

Full of love

Dizzy

Whoosy 

Happy

Hopeful

Eager

Lovely and full of love

Patient

Likeable

Forgiving

Sweet

Blessed

I am grateful for all the special people in my life like Ma, Pa, Buro and everybody else. I'm grateful for this beautiful wonderful life and I'm truly grateful for each experience.

The day following from now will be filled with action and it's going to be a happy day.

Love,

Me.

2.25 pm

Love unto death

The serpent has arisen,

It has coiled its grip tight

To not let me move

Or manoeveur 

Into the deathly golden light;

I am loathe to take a risk now

Lest I choke and fall

And there is no rebound

If I don't move at all.

It's holding of me is so absolute,

So worthy of the snake's love I am

That even when I'm caught such

It's music roots me in shifting sands;

Love is such a thing,

Whether betrayed or beheld

Its sting is like a serpent's

Wondrous and unto death. 

Things I can do at this point to earn money: For Nidhi

1. Direct and produce my play Theory of Madness that I wrote in 2019. I'm in talks with two groups (One Delhi based and the other Girish Karnad's theatre group) to take the play on stage. Both groups are highly interested in the play, have asked for changes to the script and asked me to make a budget sheet.

2. Finish my novel.

3. Sell art on Saatchi. It's been many months since Ive painted. If I really put my mind to it I really paint well. Someone also approached me for liasoning to sell my work. (So to call this gentleman)

4. Continue to write for the newspaper I'm writing for.

5. Get a content writing, copywriting job.

6. Teach English after getting my tefl certificate. It's a two month long programme.

7. Write for a production house that proactively has been approaching me to freelance with them. The problem with them is that communication with them is staggered.

8. Get a journalism job.

9. Be more proactive and give more auditions for acting. (8 and 9 share the same spot on the priority list.)

This is fairly in the order of priority. For all the work in which I'm self-employed I have to get out of my comfort zone, pick up the phone and make calls. I find it a little difficult to do that and I feel inhibited.

Journal 5.11.2024 8.55 am Seeing Paulo Coelho

Dear Journal,

I saw that I was dating Paulo Coelho in a dream and that he was dating someone feisty behind my back and that I was very upset. He tried to talk to me about it and pacify me but I was very upset.

Did A date someone behind my back when we were together? It's something I'll never know.

This De Jh chats a lot. I need to utilise my time more effectively. I woke up rather late today.

I really want to give up smoking.

Love,

Me.

9 am

Journal 5.10.2024 12.27 am All the happy moments

Dear Journal,

I keep focusing on the negatives so here are very few of all the happy moments of my life.

1. I remember the night Buro was born clearly. I fell in love with him. I remember the first time I carried him. I remember playing a lot with him when we were small, in Delhi and in Bombay. I remember playing table tennis with him on our folding table, playing chess, carrom, tennis, cricket. I purposely always let him win. I remember him talking about his friends and his girlfriends. I always looked up to him because people always found him charming. He is still very charming. 

2. I remember Ma teaching both Buro and I to read. She guided him with his lessons. I love Buro.

3. I remember the various singing classes we went to. Buro was always lauded as a talented singer. I remember both of us winning various singing competitions.

4. I remember Ma waking us up at 5 and taking both of us for swimming. We swam and Pa played tennis.

5. I remember celebrating birthdays. I always bought gifts for Ma, Pa and Buro on their birthdays with the saved pocket money I got. I remember always decorating the house on Ma and Pa's birthdays.

6. I remember having heart to heart conversations with Dimma. She taught me so much.

7. I remember all the eat outs with Chumki mashi and Bubul mesho in Delhi and celebrating Diwali with all my family in Delhi.

8. I remember Ma pushing me to study Art as a main subject for my tenth boards. That gave me my lifelong love for painting and sketching.

9. I remember writing my first poem at the age of 8 and my parents and teachers were so in awe. I never stopped writing poetry after that. In fact my teachers when they saw a poem or two scribbled here and there made me read it out to the whole foyer.

10. I remember participating in Dramatics from a young age. I remember the inequality in co-curricular activities where all the star kids got preference. Both Buro and I surmounted that and we both were popular. Buro was more popular.

11. I remember training for athletics.

12. I remember the encouragement I received from Ma. She had no doubt about my capabilities when I was small even though she favoured Buro.

13. I remember studying Physics with Bubul mesho and Chumki mashi when they taught me Archimedes Law. That is why I'll never forget it.

14. I remember doting on Eshna when she was small.

15. I remember being a voracious reader when I was small.

16. I remember when me and Shobhan were the only two people to be selected in toi after a deluge of candidates applied for the job. I remember all my successes in the newsroom and making several journalist friends.

17. I remember all the good times I've shared with my friends in school and college. I remember frequenting Samovar with Van.

18. I remember Dadu lecturing me in civic policies before my 10th board exams.

19. I remember the day I got my 10th results and then my Bachelors marks. Despite not studying I aced the exams.

20. I remember thinking that Dimma is the most beautiful woman in the whole world and buro the most handsome man.

I remember being initiated into yoga by Dada.

21. I remember all the family get-togethers and parties.

22. I remember the day I got my ears pierced and the day I tried on Mascara.

23. I remember winning the Best Actress Award in the ninth grade.

24. I remember always being the top choice in Dramatics for all competitions.

25 I remember my teachers like Mrs Buch, Punita Mam, Haridas sir and Dr Arunan who became great friends.

26 I remember surviving on a shoestring pocket money while balancing a professional play and college. I still had fun.

27. I remember winning the employee of the year award at DNA.

28. I remember being promoted to dne at Indian Express.

29. I remember the very few times I've fallen in love. It's an exalted feeling for sure.

30. I remember all the times I have travelled with my family and friends. It's time I found the wanderlust again.

Love,

Me.

Journal 4.11.2024 9.52 pm My traumas and how I am overcoming them

Dear Journal,

Jung says: "Unless you make the unconscious conscious it will continue and you will call it fate."

My traumas and how I am overcoming them:

1. Well, firstly I was sexually abused by a young man when I was a small child of about four. Buro was small. This incident scarred me. I made a lot of male friends growing up but I was always suspicious of men when it came to romance and got onto the dating bandwagon much later. It was in about 2001 when I realised I was blooming awkwardly that I decided to forgive this man completely and I poured my heart and soul into praying for his forgiveness. I used to imagine that this man is in front of me and I used to visualise myself telling him that I've forgiven him. Till then this childhood experience weighed heavily on me. It was in 2012 that I had an aha moment. It took me 11 years of visualizations and prayers. I realised that I had actually forgiven him. This experience doesn't bother me anymore so absolute was my forgiveness.

2. Ma used to beat me and Buro up with cricket bats and tennis racquets and belts and what not. She scarred both of us for life. She used to sit in a corner and weep all day long. She was clinically depressed and is still very harsh. She doesn't have a very pleasant personality. In fact, I don't think Ma and Pa have as happy a marriage as they put on. They are not friends. They've never gone out on dates together and they don't share many common interests. The only common thing they discuss is politics and family. And both of them are very solitary. In fact, Ma starts shrieking at any given point. I must not grow old to be like her and I must forgive her. She has been depressed herself and has a negative frame of mind.

3. Ma didn't let me invite any of my friends to Buro's wedding. That was a clear rejection of me by her. She made it quite clear that she doesn't want any of my friends there.

4. Ma keeps threatening to have my door broken down if I lock it. Last year when she slapped me she told me that I would die a pauper. This was like her telling me and Buro when we were small that she wants us to die.

5. Buro beating me up when he was a teenager. I don't know why he did that. I can see the scars on his face and I wish Ma had a more pleasant personality and was more genial.

6. Everyday I see my family rejecting me. They don't want to talk to me, they don't seem to have any faith in me and we are best when we leave each other alone. But I have to keep my door open and I must forgive my mother. But her mood swings are unpredictable and she may lose her temper at any moment.

7. I was brought up with Ma calling me ugly and verbally and physically abusing me.

I wish to be a whole woman, a charming,  suave woman. And I hope to be able to make money. I wish I couldn't see the scars in Buro's body language and I worry about him. I wish Ma and Pa had a happier marriage and that Ma was not so harsh and negative-minded.

Wishing things were different is one thing but actually forgiving and becoming happier are quite another.

I do pray to forgive each day. But from today I will pour my heart and soul into forgiving others and myself.

I wish I had not developed this condition. It's not like I don't feel whole and I definitely don't feel fragmented. But I feel the pain of rejection now and then and it hurts and it makes me grievous. 

How should I become my happiest self? I'm seeking the way and I will find it.

Love is the force that leads to growth.

Love is the transformative power that mutates evil to good and something sanctimonious.

And I will some day become liberated from the pain and I will surmount my suffering to become my happiest self.

Love,

Me.

10 24 pm

Journal 4.11.2024 12.33 pm Feeling miserable

Dear Journal,

I feel miserable. No one seems to be happy with me. Ma shouts. Pa snaps. And besides I feel terrible. And I really miss A. I still love him so deeply.

We went to Pipi's house yesterday. Ma was in a foul mood all morning and all day.

I am not going to continue to read Wang's book. It's making me depressed. But I've got the essentials from her book so far. No point continuing.

I'm on my way to the passport office to renew my passport.

Keeping my fingers crossed that it goes smoothly.

Today De Jh was supposed to come home. But he has some plumbing emergency.

Na Bho and I are going to Prithvi tomorrow. Should be good.

So much for love and life. Hope I can feel happier.

Love,

Me 

1.59 pm

Journal 3.11.2024 4.59 am

Dear Journal,

I woke up over an hour ago. It's Bhai Phota today. May we have an excellent Bhai Phota.

The ignominy and infamy that I endure caused me to have very mild suicidal thoughts when I woke up. And then I told myself that it will get better. It always does.

No matter what I'm going through today better days are here to stay.

I really hope I can go to the film museum with Vi Ti on Tuesday.

I hope to make the best of today.

With A gone I feel so alone.

But this will also not last forever. Better days are here to stay.

I am feeling:

Lonely

Happy

Hopeful

Love,

Me.

5.04 am

Journal 2.11.2024 6 38 pm Birthday today

Dear Journal,

It's Eshna's birthday today and it's also Shanky's. I love both of them absolutely.

I called up Sheshu in the morning. It was a brief call. I called up Shanky when Biswada was here.

I took Biswada to Silk Road. I still love A. I'll never stop loving him. With the little money I have I treated Biswada at Silk Road.

Shanky sent me money to buy booze so that I can get drunk on his birthday. Biswada took me to Princess Wines and I bought half a litre of port wine.  I asked Ma if she'd like a drink and she declined.

I love Shanky. I really really do.

And I love A. I really really do.

Biswada told me while he was here that people have not been saying good things about me.

And I remembered: Those who are vilified the most are most honoured. 

I love A. But he left me over what other people told him about me. I miss A.

I'm drunk on half a litre of wine sponsored by Shashank. I love Shashank. He still introduces me as the girlfriend if he were straight.

Biswada told me that people have been bitching about me and I in my drunken state remembered how Jesus was carried to the cross. How the Buddha was vilified. And I tell myself that love will win.

In my drunken state I can say I love Shanky, who always introduces me as the girlfriend if he were straight and A. I absolutely love A. I could fall at his feet.

I am drunk on half a litre of wine. I am no longer in my senses to study any French. But I know of love. Love is the way.

I am going to be remembered very well no matter what people say of me today.

I love A. I love Shanky. I love Sheshu.

I am feeling:

Drunk

Emotional 

Full of love

Lovely

Love my best friend Shanky

Love A

Love my family

Will chant

I am grateful for all of life with all its experiences and all the people who feature In it.

I love Shanky. I love Eshna. I love A.

Love,

Me 

6.53 pm

Journal 2.11.2024 11.45 am Dream of a grand hotel

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I am waiting in a grand hotel lobby with lots of people about me.

It is Sheshu's birthday today.

Esme Wang's book leaves me vulnerable.

I am feeling:

Vulnerable

Broken

Happy

Excited to meet Bda

Full of love

I am grateful for this beautiful life with all its wonderful experiences and all the people who adorn it.

Love,

Me 

11.48 am

Journal 1.11.2024 6.24 pm Fortitude

Dear Journal,

Esme Wang's book is a real eye-opener. It talks about the stigma that is a mental health diagnosis and her journey. It's really very well-written.

Acceptance is the key. Wang's book allows me to accept my own diagnosis. It's not Schizophrenia that everybody has told me but what it is nobody has. Dr E S had told me that if I quit smoking all the symptoms will go away. Nidhi said the same thing about two months back. I have never heard voices or anything but I have had capgram and been deluded.

That's kind of presumptive and I must accept that there is a problem.

I feel the lack of faith people have in me in general. Ma is always angry with me and dismissive of me. She has always been this way. But this is a common dynamic in a mother-daughter relationship.

A left me because of this. 

This aspect of my life has shown me who my true friends are.

Both Ma and A have a habit of bitching. I'm sure Ma has poured her heart's plaints to all her friends and so has A to his.

I have many good qualities. My experiences have taught me to accept people wholly with their flaws. It's made me kind and compassionate and forgiving.

It's made me optimistically strong.

I love my brother and my parents who have stood by me through thick and thin.

Friends like Sa Li and Bda have emerged, never to leave my side. Both of them called me today to wish me.

Bda said he will come home in about two hours.

We choose our experiences through the karma we create. We create our own destiny. I am responsible for me and whatever happens to me.

I am strength. I am courage. I am happiness. I am joy. I am love. I am a ball of hope and nurturing. I win in each moment.

I am feeling:

Slightly desolate 

Happy

Hopeful 

Strong

Caring

Nurturing

Mystical

Pondering

Accomplished 

Full of love

Optimistic 

I am grateful for E Wang's book.

I am grateful for all the love in my life.

I am grateful that I pray. It's made me a far stronger human being.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for all of life's experiences. Each experience is beautiful.

I am grateful for all the people who feature in my life.

I am grateful that I love.

I am grateful for all my successes and all my victories. 

Love,

Me.

Journal 1.11.2024 4.02 pm Le bonheur c'est un choix

 Cher Journal,

J'aime A. Je vais lui aimer toujours. Ce n'est pas possible de lui oublier.

Le livre de Esme Wang m'apprend a toujours prendre mes medicaments. J'en ai appris que ma condition peut aggraver si j'evites mes médicaments.

Je souvent reflechis a l'avenir. J'imagine que je prends soin de mes parents et de lui quoi qu'il arrive. J'imagine que je vais etre super riche. J'imagine que j'ai réussi.

Hier Vi Ti du groupe artistes etait triste. Aujourd'hui nous avons décidés a visiter la musée des films en Mardi.

Le bonheur c'est un choix. Vraiement il ya de la douleur dans la vie mais en chaque moment on peut choisir le bonheur et un état mentale qu'est heureux.

(Sa Li m'a appelle et j'ai lui parle a longtemps approx 40 minutes.)

C'est importante d'etre realiste.

A l'amour.

Bisous,

Moi 

4.48 pm