Jung says: "Unless you make the unconscious conscious it will continue and you will call it fate."
My traumas and how I am overcoming them:
1. Well, firstly I was sexually abused by a young man when I was a small child of about four. Buro was small. This incident scarred me. I made a lot of male friends growing up but I was always suspicious of men when it came to romance and got onto the dating bandwagon much later. It was in about 2001 when I realised I was blooming awkwardly that I decided to forgive this man completely and I poured my heart and soul into praying for his forgiveness. I used to imagine that this man is in front of me and I used to visualise myself telling him that I've forgiven him. Till then this childhood experience weighed heavily on me. It was in 2012 that I had an aha moment. It took me 11 years of visualizations and prayers. I realised that I had actually forgiven him. This experience doesn't bother me anymore so absolute was my forgiveness.
2. Ma used to beat me and Buro up with cricket bats and tennis racquets and belts and what not. She scarred both of us for life. She used to sit in a corner and weep all day long. She was clinically depressed and is still very harsh. She doesn't have a very pleasant personality. In fact, I don't think Ma and Pa have as happy a marriage as they put on. They are not friends. They've never gone out on dates together and they don't share many common interests. The only common thing they discuss is politics and family. And both of them are very solitary. In fact, Ma starts shrieking at any given point. I must not grow old to be like her and I must forgive her. She has been depressed herself and has a negative frame of mind.
3. Ma didn't let me invite any of my friends to Buro's wedding. That was a clear rejection of me by her. She made it quite clear that she doesn't want any of my friends there.
4. Ma keeps threatening to have my door broken down if I lock it. Last year when she slapped me she told me that I would die a pauper. This was like her telling me and Buro when we were small that she wants us to die.
5. Buro beating me up when he was a teenager. I don't know why he did that. I can see the scars on his face and I wish Ma had a more pleasant personality and was more genial.
6. Everyday I see my family rejecting me. They don't want to talk to me, they don't seem to have any faith in me and we are best when we leave each other alone. But I have to keep my door open and I must forgive my mother. But her mood swings are unpredictable and she may lose her temper at any moment.
7. I was brought up with Ma calling me ugly and verbally and physically abusing me.
I wish to be a whole woman, a charming, suave woman. And I hope to be able to make money. I wish I couldn't see the scars in Buro's body language and I worry about him. I wish Ma and Pa had a happier marriage and that Ma was not so harsh and negative-minded.
Wishing things were different is one thing but actually forgiving and becoming happier are quite another.
I do pray to forgive each day. But from today I will pour my heart and soul into forgiving others and myself.
I wish I had not developed this condition. It's not like I don't feel whole and I definitely don't feel fragmented. But I feel the pain of rejection now and then and it hurts and it makes me grievous.
How should I become my happiest self? I'm seeking the way and I will find it.
Love is the force that leads to growth.
Love is the transformative power that mutates evil to good and something sanctimonious.
And I will some day become liberated from the pain and I will surmount my suffering to become my happiest self.
Love,
Me.
10 24 pm
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