The past two weeks have been a lesson in themselves. I can't say I feel lethargic, but I feel stuck.
I feel that any small effort I need to make is monumental and against my calling and that there is a great force holding me back and sweeping me in another direction.
Nothing seems to be easy. It's caused me to feel faint, dizzy and whoosy.
I feel rooted in a direction I'm unable to see. I feel like there are steps I must take but that those doors to opportunities in my destiny are yet to open.
I've been feeling for many years that I have far too many guy friends. I try to keep in touch with my women friends but they don't really want to talk to me. Hence, I'm always surrounded by men.
Apart from Hamida cat lady, Ma, Eshna and Qud there are barely any women I talk to regularly. Yes, the little girl children, yes.
Years ago, Acb had told me that women are jealous of me. I believed it but today I don't. I wish I had more women to talk to.
When I was with A I didn't really pay heed to De Jh and Sa Li because I was so caught up in my love for A.
And now I meet De Jh, Sa So, Sa Li, Vi Ti and many other guy friends. They validate me and tell me I'm simply wonderful. Well but am I more wonderful than others? Each person has their specialty, right?
Yesterday De Jh came over. I've really ignored him in the past many years but he doesn't seem to mind. He's so religious and pious. And as it is with such people you are always on your toes lest you offend them.
He and Sa So have been going on and on about what an amazingly beautiful being I am. It's so outright outrageous.
Nidhi said to overcome this feeling of stuckness I must exercise more. DR Shinde said it's an acute acid reflux problem making me feel this way. And right from Pa to Buro to everybody else I'm being told by everybody that I look absolutely fine.
But I don't feel fine.
In other words am I stuck in my feelings for A? Is that the force holding me back? I love him so absolutely and unconditionally. He's so cute.
Or may be it's Esme Wang's book that's done this to me.
I really hope I feel better.
The day has been started in stuckness and I hope I end it in grand momentum.
I feel:
Cold
Dry
Full of love
Dizzy
Whoosy
Happy
Hopeful
Eager
Lovely and full of love
Patient
Likeable
Forgiving
Sweet
Blessed
I am grateful for all the special people in my life like Ma, Pa, Buro and everybody else. I'm grateful for this beautiful wonderful life and I'm truly grateful for each experience.
The day following from now will be filled with action and it's going to be a happy day.
Love,
Me.
2.25 pm
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