I've been sad since morning. Just when I thought I would move on I got a call from A yesterday.
I've not been my happiest since morning. After all, he did discard me just like that from his life. He said it was because people told him things about me. But I know he had his reasons.
In fact, I'm glad he called. Not only did I get to hear his voice but I faced facts. He did break my heart very badly. And it's not the first time. He's broken my heart on many occasions even while we were dating.
I'm sure he's found someone else. And the last thing I expected and now I realise even wanted was a call from him.
Shakyamuni Buddha said: "The farther the source the longer the stream." With this whole infinite depth of feelings I have for him and in general I know that I have a very very long way to go. I have very far to go.
A did ignore me completely for two whole months before breaking up with me. And I can never forget that slight.
I don't want to overthink anything so I haven't been thinking anything but just generally harbouring my feelings.
Why did my heart choose him to love so deeply? And why exactly do I love him so deeply? And what should I do with all these feelings I have for him? And will I ever heal?
You know my friends say that I've gone through much more than most people but I feel that I also feel far more than other people, I have been gifted with far more insight and love than most people and I have a desire to serve more than most.
The conditions will arise when all my desires will fructify and I don't think anyone quite sees things the way I see them. That is why sometimes I feel misunderstood. In fact, right from my parents to my brother to A everyone feels my heart is to be trampled upon and I can be slighted in any manner and anyhow. I think my love is taken for granted. And I should do something about it.
I have friends who think they know better than me what is good for me. But no one knows me better than myself. May be I'm not that assertive and I don't say things when they should be said and I always wait for the after....
Well, anyhow today I feel hurt by A. All these days away from him I've been kind of nursing my feelings. But today I feel he has really broken my heart. Of course, he says he doesn't love me anymore so there's nothing to be done.
I would have never hurt him the way he hurt me. But that's me. He would have hurt any girl the way he hurt me because he did.
Taking him off my priority list is virtually impossible and unfathomable right now. And who knows what the future has in store. (And I'm not letting any soothsayer's words influence me.)
Life is dynamic. You meet people every day. And there are all sorts of friendships and relationships.
A week ago I really wanted to meet him. Right now after realising how heartbroken I really am I don't want to see him. If he were to ask me to meet him (hypothetically speaking) I wouldn't say no but gone are the days when I'd feel like wearing something nice to meet him. I, in fact, don't want him to see my face that's how desolate I'm feeling.
I could cry a little more than I have today. Such is life.
I am feeling:
Hurt
My mind is a whirlwind
Full of love
My pulse on the future
Respectworthy
Reflecting on the past which I shouldn't
Happy
Need to feel centred
Loving
Loved
Feel like I'm not really seeing things the way they should be seen and I wish someone who understood me could give me perspective.
In other news, life is good. I have learnt to never underestimate anybody and to never look down upon or to look up to anybody. G used to tell me that I never quite keep the status quo. I don't.
All people are capable of both good and evil. Even the angel aunty who smiles at you on the road has skeletons in her closet. So forgiveness is for all. And I must be able to forgive Arun, my mother, my brother, all people I love deeply and who have hurt me.
I wish I was wiser. I really wish I was.
And I wish I knew something about the future. Or wherefore I'm headed or what exactly is the right thing to do. Meeting a therapist is like applying bandage to a wound. I want a friend who really knows and understands me to hear me out. But given that I never tell anybody anything these days that's unlikely to happen.
I feel highly misunderstood and alone. I feel like nobody really understands me except myself and I in turn understand everybody.
May be I need some appreciation. I never get any from my family and never got any from Arun. Why are things like this?
I've never become a mother but I've loved many children as a mother. But I don't think anyone's ever understood the child in me. Not even my own mother.
I feel like I should move on from Arun. Let bygones be bygones and really forgive him.
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
5.41 pm
Ps: Both very wealthy men and very beautiful women are capable of exhibiting a very nasty heart. Both De Jh and Sa Li today messaged me with several angry smilies saying I'm a very bad friend because I don't talk to them when they need me most. They are both very good friends. I told both of them I would attend to them when I'm feeling up to it and that I need space since I'm not feeling too well. I'll call up Sa Li before sleeping today.
Nichiren says: "Suffer what there is to suffer and enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life."
What gives suffering also brings about joy and what is absolutely joyous (like Arun for me) is capable of giving immense pain. And nothing is totally all joy or all pain and it's presumptuous to accept or reject anything on account of either.
My periods are becoming emotionally difficult for me as I get older and I wish I had someone to talk to. When I tell Pa I have my periods he's very sweet to me. When I tell Ma that I'm feeling low because I have my periods she disregards my suffering and says all women go through it. Right through life Ma has shown me that she is capable of being very mean. Arun is also exactly like that. They both sometimes don't make the effort to be compassionate and see someone else's suffering. Egoistic.
And why exactly do I give Arun so much importance? Why do I write so much about him and think about him so much? Because I genuinely love him. I always, always will. But a lot of water has flown under the bridge. I haven't seen him in over four months. And a lot has happened since then. And he says he doesn't love me anymore. But I guess the bridge hasn't cracked and is still standing strong, having weathered the storm. We can still respectfully communicate. And it's never good to burn perfectly accessible bridges that fortify our lives. So I guess, on that note I'll accept my obnoxious wealthy guy friends despite their tantrums and also keep my arms open for Arun always. Because the bridges still stand. This is just a small hurricane.
7.13 pm
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