Journal 15.11.2024 9.59 am A feeling of letting go

Dear Journal,

I do love Arun. But even though I was happy he'd called yesterday I was left with a feeling of sadness after talking to him. After all we are not together anymore. And he says he doesn't love me anymore.

How do I stop loving him? I'll never be able to.

I saw some complicated dream before waking up and since morning I've been feeling really sad. I'm all tears right now.

I've been thinking that God has given me a really difficult mother. And I do have a yoke to bear. And that I should be grateful.

Will I ever find love again? And will I ever be able to get over A? What does God have planned for me, I do not know. All I know today is that I've wasted enough precious time and I can't anymore.

What does Arun think of me these days, I wish I knew. Does he respect me?

I've never quite ever opened up to him and there are many things I haven't told him being the listener to him.

I really do love him.

I'm sure he's with somebody else now.

I really hope to bring lots of joy to my parents. What I have I can't lose.

And I know that life will always treat me really well.

I wish I could stop smoking. If I'm able to do that, that would be a real victory.

These are just random meanderings of my mind right now as I can't stop the tears.

To let go. Like to really let go is what I seek.

I may find many reasons to find fault with Arun. But he is not a wifebeater. He is a decent gentleman who has a huge heart.

His smile and his sultry eyes keep flashing in my mind's eye. And I miss him. But today I can say that things will never be the same ever again. And that loss really hurts. And I must make room for the unknown to become known and to embrace life and love with all its beauty.

I don't know where I am and where I'm headed. All I know is that I have faith and my heart to carry me forward.

This De Jh messages me all day long. It doesn't seem like he has a lot of work to do. Spoilt rich brat is very annoying.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for my wonderful parents who put up with me without complaining.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful that I have this gorgeous day in front of me to make the most of.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for this beautiful home.

I am grateful for time.

Love,

Me.