I must let my relationship with A rest in peace. He didn't give me any explanations except that I'd troubled him and that he's moved on. I think he still owes me an explanation for just leaving me whatever it may be.
It's no point being so unhappy and constantly thinking about him. Of course I still love him. I know I always will. But he troubled me a lot too. By no measure was he an easy boyfriend to have. He made me cry, he broke my heart on many occasions and he has his own madness. Yet I would never hurt him the way he hurt me. May be I did always love him more.
It's not like he stayed. He judged me. He discussed me with all and sundry and took a decision and took off. And plus of course he is married.
It has all been too much, you know journal.
He's been a helluva complicated troubled boyfriend to have. Should I delete our pictures at some point?
He's not available for a conversation. And the last time I called him he was very very rude to me. I don't think I deserve that kind of disrespect and arrogance from him. He thinks no end of himself and looks down on people less fortunate than him. That can't bode him well in life or give him true respect since he doesn't respect people in general.
These are his drawbacks. And I won't expound on his virtues. Paeans of this journal are filled with how much I love him and what he means to me. But if I mean nothing to him is there any point in dwelling on all that?
I wish him well. May he be happy and healthy. I actually worry about him. Something tells me he's going through some pain. Is he really or is it just a passing feeling?
I'll be fine. I have to bury this relationship. I have set him free and now I have to fly away to perch on finer branches.
I am feeling:
Freer
Happier than I've been in the past two weeks because I've actually decided to move on. And there's no turning back from here. I won't take Arun back anymore.
Alive
Awake
Cold
Dry
Appreciative
Sweet
Loyal
Happy
Eager to make the most of my day and my life
Let bygones be bygones. If he loved me half as much as I loved him he would have treated me differently not just at the end but throughout our relationship.
I am grateful for my sweet family and all my lovely friends and all the many men who evince an interest in me (I've never actually enjoyed the attention.) But they tell me that I must be pretty and wonderful in my own sweet way and I'm happy for that. I am grateful for God's many gifts to me.
So the other day I met De Jh. And we were discussing palmistry. And I've been studying his version and I notice that I have whorls on both my thumbs and mounts of moons. What does that mean? There isn't much explanation about it on Google. Whorls on the thumbs Google says is determination and will power and on the mounts of moon it means imagination.
Well, well.
I hope to enjoy with Sa So on Monday. Then he's taking off for Israel. He's very sweet. I hope to have a long, deep conversation with him on Monday. Really looking forward to it.
May be at some point I'll get over A completely. And then, of course, if that happens I won't even want to be friends with him. Because I actually am hurt.
Love,
Me.
3.34 pm
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