I'm really not taking care of myself. I don't feel like dressing up when I go out because I'm not going out with A. When I receive people at home I'm being such a plain Jane. This has to change.
Whenever I miss Arun acutely my mind goes to Mr Laxmidoss, the astrologer I had met in Chennai. It's not like I feel my heart abrim all the time for Arun; I feel the hurt, I feel the pain. But in the past I've always moved on really quickly from break ups. But this time it is not so.
I really love him in a selfless kind of way, appreciate him for his beauty. I was thinking about the ambigram he designed for himself last year. It was a work of genius. I so love this man. And I can't forget him and I don't want my love for him to die because he brought me so much joy and inspired me so deeply with just his regularness and his solemn entity.
He is so handsome and cute. And the pictures of us that I have show how deeply in love we were.
I imagine when he says now that he doesn't love me anymore he feels the way I felt when we were first going out. In his pain and anguish he hurt me a lot those days, comparing me to his wife and exes repeatedly and I used to walk around feeling brokenhearted. But I gave us a chance because I truly loved the fragrance of his skin and even within that pain I felt the light of love.
I must have hurt him so that he also felt broken hearted.
Yesterday when I was reading cards for De Jh, he said he wants to sever ties with his girlfriend because she is so dependent on him emotionally. I picked his cards and he got the devil and the Queen of Cups among other cards.
And I told him it's not possible for him to sever ties completely because the attraction and respect he has for her will never allow him to do that.
Then I went out of the realm of the cards and told him that when a woman is in love she does become more submissive emotionally and her judgments are coloured by her partner's judgments because she basks in the glory of her partner's protective love. That is a sign of a woman in love.
Did Arun also feel I needed him too much and was too dependent on him? Well I loved him and respected him in a way I have no other man and I actually really miss him.
Mr Laxmidoss used to be an engineer from a family of astrologers who was always sceptical about astrology. But once he got the conviction he left everything to become an astrologer. Much like my Tarot card reading.
He told me a few things till now that have come true and he's told me about things here on... let's see. I don't have his number.
I was in the midst of breaking up with G and Mr L told me it would never work out. Looking back me and G would never have made it. There was no real connection but I felt otherwise those days.
He said then (and I just can't shake the memory of this meeting since meeting and knowing A) that I would fall in love with a married man, much older to me and with children, and he described A just as I see him, at the age of 38. I met A at the age of 38. He said, "You may not believe it but this will be the relationship of your life. If you don't marry him it'll be because of your own inhibitions so when this happens don't hesitate. But believe it or not whether you marry him or not this man will be your partner." I think about this and I feel hurt because things are just not like that right now.
I shouldn't trouble A with messages. I should give him his peace of mind.
Mr L also told me that my life choices are most unusual and my life path would be most unusual and that I'd get all the world's happiness but a little later by 42 or something.
He said I would battle one major illness in my life but I'll do it beautifully and be very happy always from the age of 40.
And he said, "You are blessed with bliss in your old age (something other astrologers also told me). Normally, people suffer when they are old but you will be very happy. You should be grateful to God for blessing you with happiness in your old age. It is rare."
He said things are coming a little late to me because I'm unusual and out of the norm. But that I would taste major success.
Anyhow, I do have a gut feeling that life will turn out fantastically.
But right now I just don't want to dress up and I just don't want to go out.
Keeping Mr L aside, because all astrological predictions at the end of the day should be taken with a pinch of salt, all I really want to do is sit and talk to A. May be over a walk, may be over a drink. I'll hold my tongue, I won't tell him that I truly deeply love him and adore him.
I want to know, really know, how he is, whether he's happy and what's on his mind.
I won't lean into him and smell him and I won't hold his hands and kiss them. I just want to talk to him and see him. But whatever the circumstances of his life, he doesn't want that.
I need to see him to know he's fine. I so deeply care about him that I need to know that he's happy. I don't know why but lately I've been very worried about him and it's kind of driving me a little bit mad. I haven't prayed for three days. And something is telling me he's not very happy.
All I want to do as his well-wisher and friend is assure him that it'll all be alright. I want to give him hausla.
Have I ever loved anyone this much? I don't think so and having reached thus far in this Journal post I think Mr L was right, Arun is the love of my life. Such is the power of creativity, it reveals hidden Truths, even if only in the form of a blog post.
I really want to meet Arun. Whenever that happens is going to be a happy happy day for me because the wait has been one of anguish. I wish I could sit and pray. And I'm going to attempt it now. Why am I so worried about him? I hope he's alright.
I love A.
Love,
Me.
8.11 pm
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