Journal 1.2.2025 9.23 am yesterday

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I saw Ma as a bad person. Then I saw many people, including Taruna, lying down on sunbathing chairs (I think by a beach), and I was going to join them. Then I woke up.

Yesterday I was supposed to teach Shefali yoga and was all prepared but then Arun called and said he was drunk and needed a drop and I cancelled all my plans for him. I really really love him. He is my spring, he is my sunshine.

There's Chinese at Bu's place for me today.

Last night Arun and I didn't talk about much. We listened to music and he was very very sad. So sad that it hurt me. I hate seeing him sad and crying.

Then when he was dropping me he said that I would be sad too because of the situation between us. What does that mean? Is he going to stop talking to me all together? That would really hurt me.

It already hurts to not have him and I don't want to deal with more pain.

He also said that I'm over him. Now that's a whole load of balderdash. The last thing I am is over him.

Anyway. I think I don't ruminate too much because those thoughts create an attachment that hurts. Because he doesn't call, you know.

Anyhow he is always ALWAYS on my mind. I wish he knew that.

I stopped myself many times last evening from saying I Love You to him because him saying I Don't Love You Anymore back to me really hurts. So I said You're So Cute, You're So Handsome, all in place of the many I Love Yous I would have told him when we were going around.

I love Arun. Today is a Saturday evening. Who does he go out with on Saturdays these days?

I'll be at MIG Cricket Club today. Let's see how the fete goes.

I've had a lateish start to the day because I slept late and woke up late.

I hope to have a spectacularly excellent day!

I hope to be exemplary today...

Love,

Me.

9.39 am

Journal 30.1.2025 11.24 pm good thoughts

Dear Journal,

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

-- this was said famously by Roald Dahl

Dimma told me that the face is the mirror of the mind and the eyes are the windows to the soul.

I just came back from meeting C Mashi. Whatever you predominantly feel reflects on your face. Your character shows.

In a conversation you can always tell how the other person is feeling while talking to you.

Good thoughts are not just to look beautiful,  they are a habit paving the way to good fortune.

I've been studying Buddhism for years ever since my days in Xavier's. I used to follow the Dalai Lama's work a lot. The Dalai Lama talks about Buddhism being a religion of compassion.

When you don't feel the compassion for whatever reason it's important to employ courage and engage in acts and words of compassion.

Arrogance, anger, impatience, impulsiveness, hatred, addiction and all such conditions are easy to succumb to and they give a temporary release to our angst as we navigate through life. It feels good in the moment but in the long run it can never be good.

Being virtuous, forgiving, loving (against all odds), wishing others well no matter what are far more difficult but that's the road to take-- the difficult road. It's the only way to be happy and lucky.

Despite studying Buddhism for years, I've just woken up to this truth of life, I've just realised it in my heart of hearts.

You can never be happy unless you work for the happiness of others in thought, word and deed. Sometimes it's difficult because dealing with others produces challenges, but there is no other way really. Not for me anymore.

I wish more people would read and study and practice Buddhism and realise the importance of creating wholesome and good karma. The beauty of the Buddha's teachings is that negative  karma can be transmuted through kindness. And nothing comes without sacrifice.

We live in a sullied age with lots of defilements and people engage in unwholesome acts, speech and thinking that can never breed happiness. It's difficult to follow the path of virtuosity but that is where I labour and will labour always.

I have faltered in the past oweing to my own confusions and ignorance. But now that I have woken up to this truth I will never ever veer from this path.

I wish so many men wherever I go would not hit on me. I'm a little tired of it. I wish people were far more decent. And I wish to have plenty of true friends.

Koala bear called when I was at Buro's. She is doing very well. She is one pretty and resilient girl.

In the end the secret to good luck is wishing others well.

Ma seems tired today. Pa has not been in the best of moods.

I'll be teaching Shefali yoga from tomorrow.

I had one chapatti with some veggies for dinner.

Now I'll chant and sleep. On Saturday I have a party to attend in Bandra. I've been wondering what I should wear.

I hope Arun is happy and well.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Compassionate.

Now I'll chant and sleep.

Love,

Me.

11.48 pm

Journal 30.1.2025 10.12 am another bottle just broke

Dear Journal,

Another bottle has broken in the house. I just cleared the shards. We shouldn't be using glass bottles but no one listens to me.

I had a complicated dream that I don't remember and woke up rather late.

I remember dreaming that I wanted to drive a car.

I woke up feeling super lazy. But I can't laze around. I must persevere.

I love Arun's hands. As I was chanting I thought about his beautiful hands. I wish he had not compromised his hands.

Now I'll do yoga, eat breakfast and start working.

It should be a good day. I also want to spend some quality time with Mashi today. It's been a while.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Love,

Me.

10.17 am

Journal 29.1.2025 7.18 pm A tinge of negativity

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream in the morning where I am about to start walking on a dark road leading to an open door, opening into a well-lit space. Sweet.

I woke up with a tinge of negativity. I was really worried about Arun through the morning. It was so good spending time with him last night. He is so cute and so sweet.

I carried this serious-mindedness through the day, feeling negative. It could also do with my circumstances.

Today I did yoga at home in the morning, wasting lots of precious time idling away in the morning.

I also started work late getting a few clients through the day.

I also gave myself an unscheduled impromptu pedicure a while ago after months. The feet are craving care and love. I think I'll chuck studying today and go and meet Kd. He is supposed to give me a Hindi book.

Then I'll go meet Mashi. It's been a while since I've met her.

All in all its been an okayish to good day.

There are so many things to be grateful for. Counting all my blessings.

Love,

Me.

7.26 pm

Journal 28.1.2025 1.38 pm Appearance

Dear Journal,

Yesterday when I met N N we studied the first of the ten factors 'Appearance.' I tend to ignore appearances and delve into people's hearts and the heart of circumstances. Of course, the heart is most important.

But as we studied 'The true aspect of all phenomena can only be assessed judging Appearance,' that is by facing and embracing reality. 'The true aspect of all phenomena can only be understood and shared between Buddhas.'

It's important to assess the heart but it's important to understand the Appearance, the reality of it all. Face reality.

If I have to face reality I'm struggling with money for the past one year, Arun and I don't talk that much anymore and this is all due to my past causes. I am working to create causes and I'm trying my very best.

You get only what you are prepared for. Luck is when preparation meets opportunity. So with the work I have I am preparing. Today I realised that I may not be doing it quite as adequately. My preparations have to be directed towards my goals.

It's vital to face life and the realities of life.

At the heart of it all I know that the lemonade will always be available and that patience pays rich dividends and success is just around the corner -- Success in films and theatre.

At the heart of it all I know that I love Arun. That if we were to meet again I would again cherish him and love him and dote on him. I know that he's preciously indispensable.

But what's the reality? What do appearances say?

(Someone just called.)

It's important to face facts and still harbour hope. It's crucial to make sure that your intentions are in place and that you always come from a place of goodwill. But it's even more important to prepare. In fact, that's where my thoughts are today after meeting See. She is such a wonderful person. I love her.

Today we studied 'Boddhisattvas of the Earth.' 

Boddhisattvas never cower. And See said that each day when I wake up I must check my ichinen and evaluate my determinations.

I, of course, carry my prayers in my heart all the time. Talking to so many people who I meet I know that life presents challenges for everybody. People struggle sometimes, suffer sometimes and mostly endure one way or the other.

Absolute happiness is vital but it has to be goal-oriented, action-oriented. Each day it's vital to take resolute action. And never ever shy away from taking action.

My meeting with C has been postponed today. I hope to study and work and make the most of this day.

I have a regular caller these days, a certain Si. Nice boy, talks about his fiance all the time.

(Someone else just called.)

I'll message back KD in a bit.

I determine to have an action-filled, beautiful day.

It's wonderful to do yoga in the morning. It makes me feel so good.

Love,

Me.

2.24 pm

Journal 28.1.2025 10.04 am Dimma's death anniversary

Dear Journal,

Today is Dimma's death anniversary. I hope she is happy wherever she may be.

I woke up from a dream where I was working with children, feeling all anxious.

The anxiety stayed with me as I did yoga and somewhere along the way I grounded myself.

I realised I would be nowhere without the love and support of my family and it is vital that I nurture my relationships with them. I should honour them. Any grievances I may have, I must bury.

Arun is always on my mind.

"More important than the treasures of the storehouse are the treasures of the body and the treasures of the heart are most important of all.": Shakyamuni Buddha.

It's vital to cultivate the treasures of the heart because it is only through that that one accumulates good fortune.

It's vital, it is imperative.

I have three meetings today, starting now in about half an hour. I have a busy day today and haven't been getting the time to work otherwise or study. I hope to study a little in the evening when I'm back from my meetings.

I hope I can bury this anxiety today.

It's all about creating the right causes.

"You can judge the causes you created in the past by your present circumstances and you can determine your future by the causes you create in the present,": Daisaku Ikeda, not verbatim.

So to have a day of fruitful causes is the aim today.

Love,

Me.

10.14 am

Journal 27.1.2025 7.54 pm it's been a good day

Dear Journal,

It's been a good relaxed day because I decided after waking up late that I would not do Tarot readings today.

Instead I attended a few meetings. I met N N in the morning and it was lovely. Then I met Chji and KD. Today I met some lovely people and I think I'm making progress. I'm really itching to do some film and theatre.

I'll meet See and A S tomorrow. Meeting for work is very important; in fact it's crucial.

Tomorrow I'll also keep myself busy with Tarot readings.

A large part of my morning was taken up by irritability. 

Pa also felt hurt over something very normal I said. I'll apologise to him now even though I feel I wasn't in the wrong.

It's best to keep criticism to a minimum or have conversations devoid of criticism.

My wins from today:

1. The yoga, pranayam meditation routine is working wonders. 

2. Wishing people well and praying specifically for them is having a positive impact on my mood and circumstances.

3. Meeting N N was good. I'll talk to her in depth about work the next time I meet her.

4. I made headway in my work meetings with Chji and KD. They were decent, they did not hit on me and at the same time were genial. Really fortunate that I met them.

5. I plan to go for Vipassana later this year. People say it's really beneficial.

6. I started reading Selection of the Time today. It's a huge Gosho.

7. I am in a good mood today. I ate nutritious food which I'm very thankful for and had pleasant bondings with people.

8. I completed the script for Skits.

9. Today I feel that I've come a long way and I have a long way to go.

I am grateful that Ma, Pa, Buro, Sadhya, Ch Mashi and everyone is healthy and happy.

I hope Arun is healthy and happy.

Tomorrow should be an even better day. It's always lovely meeting See.

Now, I'll study the vc, pray and walk and go to sleep.

Will skip Meeting Ch Mashi today. I just don't have the time.

I hope Pa gets out of his foul mood.

Tomorrow I have to study!

Love,

Me.

8.08 pm

Journal 27.1.2025 8.40 am A dream of praying

Dear Journal,

I woke up rather late because I slept late. I'm sitting in the Gazebo to pray and do yoga.

I saw Arun in my dream chiding me for fantasizing.

Then Arun and Buro were seen sitting in a car that was still and I was outside a beautiful orange Hanuman temple where I started praying for the whole world.

Even though I was somewhere else in the dream I could perceive Arun in the car.

I prayed fervently and towards the end of my prayers I saw that Arun and my thoughts matched on the last prayer where I prayed for world peace.

I hope to have an excellent day and I hope to finish Skits.

I am feeling:

Serious-minded

Happy

Loving

Benevolent

Blessing

Love,

Me.

8.45 am

Journal 25.1.2025 10.08 pm pitying

Dear Journal,

Today I made it a point to do yoga in the morning, which was my first big victory. Then I had a fight with Ma who wore a sombre, dissatisfied mood all day and isolated herself completely. She screamed, she shouted and was bitter over something. She finds it difficult to forgive people. I asked her what the matter was and she said she doesn't like people or something to that extent.

I tried and did some work but I did not do my second draft for Skits. The deadline is approaching and finishing it is imperative.

I also did not study.

It was an alright day progress-wise. Ever since Eshna came and now that C Mashi is here my routine has gone for a toss.

I think it was also oweing to the fact that I woke up irritable. I just wasn't up to it today but that's no excuse. What has to be done must be done.

Somewhere along the way as the day wore on I decided that I will not stress at all over anything. Be it Arun or work or money or other relationships I will not let the load on my mind convert to stress. The best I can do is to do my best, the rest is all up to God and my karma and all I can do is just put my best foot forward in all aspects of my life. This is something I hope to follow till the rest of my life.

And I will utilise this journal to the maximum.

A Alam called and I declined going for a walk with him.

Instead I went and met C Mashi. For some reason Sadhya has become a little cold or am I reading too much into her? I don't think I'll be too close to her even though I've tried. It's all so superficial.

I treated Shefali and Buro to two plates of chicken momos each and bhurji pav. That was also my dinner.

Miso has an appointment with his oncologist on Monday. May he become fit and fine and heal.

Then C Mashi and I went for a walk to the park. I expect her to bitch about others and that is what she did. She is so bitter and harbours so much hatred towards Sh Mashi it's unbelievable. Just the way Ma feels about Pipi and Thama. There are some people they absolutely hate. I don't hate anybody and I think even with Sadhya I'll employ the path of tolerance and compassion.

Women can be pretty conniving and vily. But so can men. Men can also be very harsh, in fact more so, just the way A perceives me.

I don't want anybody to think just the way I do because that's not possible-- we are all unique.

But when C Mashi was talking about 95-year-old Dada and his Alzheimer's and complaining I laughed it off and I told her that her view on death is very cold and macabre. I think I'm the only one who tells her that. Even when Chor Dadu died I told her she should have been far more compassionate. I don't know how she feels when I talk this way. Nobody likes being disagreed with.

I think that that's also Ma's grouse with me that I tell her she should not hate Pipi and Thama like this. Thama has passed on, don't give her your ill wishes as she is born again.

Anyway, what we wish for others comes back to us a thousand-fold.

The world could really do with absolute love. Each one is suffering in their own way and we could do with lending our shoulders to other people as they endure the hardships of life.

Life is hard and everyone has their own set of worries. It's only love that makes life easy and happy.

This sounds like I view life through rose-tinted glasses but the truth is as I've come to realise that only patience, tolerance and love can heal and transform difficulties into good fortune apropos John Lennon. Forgive and live and love.

Only yesterday a girl called me and cried that she was going to kill herself because she's been unemployed. I tried my best to pacify her but I feel like counting my blessings a thousand-fold, selfishly speaking.

Selfishness breeds arrogance and differences, and hatred hurts not just the hated but also the haters. It's only through love that one can make a breakthrough when life gives you lemons. And I'm not a Saint. I've made the mistake of hating and learnt from it.

Also, we could do with not blaming others for our difficulties and misfortunes. It's all karmic. We've created the karma to suffer such and it's only through our karma that we can surmount the odds. And the only way to create good karma is to live a life of service, based on love. It's about overcoming our own weaknesses and taking responsibility.

The problem is that the fear of judgment cripples people.

Anyway.

In other news, some director fellow called A S stopped me on the road today and said he's seen me many times and is working on a script with me in mind. That's so much like what Arun would say to a random girl... :)

I am feeling:

Serious-minded

Happy

Loving

Forgiving

Trying to understand

Sweet

Benevolent 

I am grateful for all the days that have passed by and all the days to come.

Love,

Me.

10.52 pm

Ps: Arun says he doesn't love me. I don't know how that works? I've never stopped loving anyone I've loved so deeply. May be he never really loved me. Whatever it is, I have to accept it and make my peace with it. May he be happy and may I be happy. He can judge me all he wants....

Journal 25.1.2024 10.14 am small wins, a little pain and a whole lot of love

Dear Journal,

I woke up late, an hour behind my time. I also slept rather late. I woke up feeling irritable. On top of that after I came back home from my yoga session Ma has been getting on my nerves about who ate the Nutella. Why does she bitch so much? Why does she in a shrill voice keep complaining? Even though Arun is not much like her they have a lot of similarities.

Arun has been on my mind constantly as I'm going through life since we last spoke. Why does he ignore my messages? Don't my good wishes cheer him up? If I keep thinking about him it must mean I love him, right?

I do. I love him very very deeply. Out of all the gracious features God has blessed him with I love his hands the most.

It's not nice when someone you love so ardently says they don't love you. It makes me feel so unbeautiful and like such a small person.

I miss having him as my boyfriend. I miss him calling me up a few times a day to check on me. I miss showing my concern about his food, his exercise, his health. I am still concerned about this and I pour it all into my prayers for him.

I'm so happy I pray. I know my prayers for him make a difference. I'll always ALWAYS keep him in my prayers. I pray for his wife, his children and all the assortment of people in my life. But I always begin my prayers with thoughts for him. I hope he is happy. But I am not, you know. I'm trying to be happy.

I hope his meeting yesterday went well.

It's a blessing to have C Mashi here. I've been spending time with her. I love her too.

I don't know what to think when it comes to Arun. Is it totally over between us? As in is our friendship also over?

I know I say unpalatable things when I'm angry but my split anger happens. I do sometimes get angry and my study of Buddhism has taught me that it's a very very normal thing.

Now I have to polish the play for skits, start working and I HAVE TO STUDY today. I just have to.

I wish Arun all the very best in his life. May he be the happiest person in the whole world.

I am feeling:

Hurt and sad

Slightly unhappy but not so much that I won't perk up.

Loving 

Blessing

Benevolent

Sweet

Unbeautiful

Hopeful 

Teary

Sad that Sadhya is so discouraging

My wins since yesterday:

I wrote the first draft of the play for Skits. V and F have to work really really hard to pull it off.

I spent quality time with my family and bonded with Eshna yesterday. She is so beautiful.

I prayed ardently. Praying for other people makes a difference. I don't know how it will manifest in my life but it is definitely transforming the quality of my dreams.

I bonded with Bhalla yesterday over a cup of coffee. I wish him all the best.

I'm keeping up my practice of yoga and it does make a huge difference.

I hope I can be happier as the day goes on and I hope to make the most of this day!

Love,

Me.

10.38 am

Ps: I need my Oxytocin boost. And I don't want it from anyone but Arun because noone smells quite as Arunnish as him. I need the hugs, I need to feel that special bond I so cherish him for. He makes me happy, he makes me a better person and he has instilled a desire in me to be the best version of myself. All I can really do is shower my love and blessings on him through prayer. I hope I don't continue to feel so distraught. I think it's because he didn't acknowledge my message yesterday.

11.11 am

Journal 24.1.2025 2.15 pm Values

Dear Journal,

The thing you value in others you value in yourself. You aspire to only those ideals you hold in high esteem.

The values I hold:

Kindness

Wisdom

Courage 

Sophistication

Style

Ambition

Drivenness 

Purpose

Happiness

Health

Virtuosity

Nobility

Beauty

Success

Sense of Humour

Charm

Achievements

Geniality

Joyousness

Sweetness of heart and sprit (of which Arun is my favourite)

Honesty

Integrity

Trustworthiness

Fun-lovingness

Capacity to love

Largeheartedness

Generosity

Loveability

Tactfulness

Diplomacy

Stoicness 

Solidity

Compassion

Truthfulness

Creativity

Focus

Goals

Forgivingness 

Embracefulness 

Non-judgmentality

Goodness

Intelligence

Mindfulness

Well-intentionedness 

Visionariness 

Sweetness of speech

Activeness

Effortfulness

And many many more...

Eshna just left. She is flying back to the United States soon. It was so good to have her here.

It's Bu and Sad's wedding anniversary.

I have tons of things to do and have a meeting at 6 and then again at 7.

A told me he'll be meeting Mash today. I hope his meeting goes well.

I played Tarot for Eshna, Shefali and Sadhya today. Sleeping late is causing my days to start really late. I hope Arun is in a pristine mood these days.

Ma continues to be irritable.

I am feeling:

Happy

A little lost since, since Eshna came my routine went for a toss and I haven't been focusing on work.

Blessing everybody 

Loving

Thoughtful

Sweet

Prayerful 

Forgiving

Hoping for the best

Pondering on my elaborate dream.

It's going to be a good good day!

I'll chant and write and meet.... this day is to be seized and lived to the fullest!

Love,

Me.

2.32 pm

Journal 24.1.2025 9.38 am Dream of a knife

Dear Journal,

I woke up around half an hour back. Rather late.

I saw Buro in my dream doing really well. I think I also saw Eshna. I don't remember details but I had a feeling that I didn't have enough money. The brain went on a train of a few negative thoughts while I was dreaming.

Then I saw myself take out something and a knife from a cluttered bag, preparing to enter a venue.

At first three guards/cops in plain clothes didn't see the knife. Then one of these three men asked me what it is and he saw the knife.

And I very politely told him in the dream I needed it for my Tarot event and that I'll leave it behind in the bag. I told him some IITians had in their speech said that I should carry it.

The three men just kept looking at me taken aback by my politeness.

Then I attempted to look for something in the cluttered bag. I found it and Buro said it is his.

Then I woke up. Rather late.

I think the three men represent the lobes of my heart which rules me and the knife is some grief I am carrying around that I have to leave behind. (According to the Tarot).

Looking for something in the cluttered bag is looking for something that will replace the knife, the grief.

Now, again today I won't be able to focus on work but things should go well because Eshna and Bubul M are leaving for Delhi today.

I'll chant, do yoga at home today.

Love,

Me.

9.48 am

Yesterday at night we brought in Bu and Sad's anniversary with some desert. I left his house feeling resentful towards C Mashi for always criticising me and telling me I'm no good. I stayed awake thinking I have to transform this within me. I love her a lot. She is my second mother. And transform this I will.

Today is a new day with a fresh resolve with new paths to forge and much to forage.

Life is good.

I hope Arun's days are going well. He is always on my mind.

Love,

Me.

10.30 am

Journal 23.1.2025 1.46 pm to start the day

Dear Journal,

I woke up a little late today. I saw a complicated dream in the morning, which even as I was dreaming I wanted to remember. But I have no trace of memory as to the particulars of the dream. I saw Melon sitting in my mind's eye before I woke up.

The trick to good luck and good fortune is wishing other people well. If I harbour any grievances towards anybody it's time to change it. I love praying for other people. It's such a creative process and I love praying for Arun, Buro, Ma, and Pa. I know my prayers for them have its effect.

I did my yoga in the morning and I am a yogi.

I just came back after meeting N.

It's going to be a very good day.

I'll eat my lunch and start working.

C Mashi is down with high fever. I think it's all the worry over Miso's chemo that is bothering her. Pa is with her at the doctor's.

Life is good.

I hope Arun's days are also going well and that he is super happy.

I am feeling:

Happy

Determined

Benevolent

Loving

Cheerful

Sweet

Hopeful

My wins since I woke up yesterday:

Two days of back to back yoga and the streak has been broken only twice since this year has begun.

Good rapports with my clients yesterday.

A good meeting with N today.

Read and prayed.

Contemplated and arrived at many fortunate conclusions.

I am grateful that Miso is healthy and happy.

Love,

Me.

1.57 pm

Journal 22.1.2025 6.40 pm never to covet what is another's

Dear Journal,

The past two days have been full of reflection. "Unless you make the unconscious conscious you will succumb to it and call it fate.": Carl Jung.

It's important to know yourself, know your heart, accept your deepest desires, love and forgive.

Firstly, I realised that Arun is not mine. I love him ardently but he is someone else's. I took him on rent, loved him, possessed him, cherished him but he will never want to be mine. I've given him back today. I paid the price for it and have been scathed, singed and hurt.

It's most unfortunate for his wife that he is not true to her. If I ever get married may I never have to suffer her fate. My heart goes out to her.

Arun is a most loveable, cute and sweet humanbeing and I've cherished him in all my foolishness. But it's time to let him go.

I will never again make the mistake of coveting what is another's no matter what it is. Build your own fortunes and create your own happiness. It's my mistake in a small way because I thought about my happiness and hurt his wife in return. He hurts her much more and he shouldn't be doing that. It's not right.

Secondly, any mental health issue is a complete stigma not just in this country but everywhere. Arun trounced me over it, badmouthed me to all his friends and left me. I will never ever judge anybody for their sufferings and misfortunes. We must pity those who suffer and we must have a heart of compassion for all because everybody suffers one way or the other. Love is for everybody. This is a deep realisation I've had loving Arun. I always knew it. But having him made me realise it in a way so intrinsic that its changed my life and my heart. And that is why he is very very special for me and always will be.

I thought of messaging him today but I won't. Let the silence linger. Because what will be will be.

I wish him the happiest life possible and even today I give him all my love and laughter. May he find love wherever he goes and may he be honoured and respected.

Miso's chemo session went so well. He is such a good boy. He'll get lots of kisses from me tonight.

I'll keep Arun and his family in my prayers forever. May they be a happy, healthy, prosperous family.

Ma came back from work slightly irritable. I made her a nice hot cuppa and now she's settling down with Melon and Kat.

Life is good in many ways. But like I started with this post, to know myself is the aim. I always thought I was virtuous but I'm capable of this thing that I've done. May I never ever hurt anyone the way Arun hurts his wife.

If I was in an unhappy marriage I think I would have got divorced. But he is not unhappy. He is just adulterous. And may I never ever again in my life covet another woman's man.

I've never made this mistake before. How did I do that this time?

Well, the other day See said the thing that we are loathe to do we end up doing, "So be careful what you hate." It's best to not hate anybody or anything and instead employ courage and understanding. It's vital in fact.

Well, anyway I'll end this post now and settle down to get some more work done.

These were my thoughts and I needed to give them flight.

I am feeling:

Hurt

Loving

Loved

Understanding

Have a feeling that Arun probably hates me today and is very hurt.

Eager to make more of each day.

Eager to dive into the chicken and bhakri being made in the kitchen.

May Arun forgive me.

Love,

Me.

7.16 pm

Crossing the impasse

I lumbered here, I lumbered there,

Moving awkwardly towards your lair

And there I saw a vision, you dine

With love all about you and a bottle of wine.

Cheers of laughter filled around

And I was happy at its tinkling sound,

My mind wandered into a reverie

Of thoughts as was unshrouded the mystery.

The sounds of gurgling soup and chicken broth

And there at your doorstep I left my wrath,

I thought of knocking on your door

To join you and those who passed around lores. 

But uninvited I have never made forays

Into the mighty love of life upto these days, 

So I left a note, a paper so worn

To tell you I Wish You Well come sun or snow.

And there I left it for my mighty abode

Atop the mount of eternal hope,

And as I live there at the pinnacle

I wish you cross every obstacle,

May no hurdle ever for you create such an impasse

As between me and you as long as Nature lasts.

Journal 22.1.2025 12 pm feeling negative

Dear Journal,

Arun is not realistic or factual. He makes up stories in his head and believes them and makes himself and everyone around him miserable by holding on to falsities. He lies a lot. He lies through his nose. And I don't think he is someone who is trustworthy or believes in being trustworthy.

I feel like I'm losing my love for him. I don't know if those feelings will come back. Of course they will! After I've reasoned with my heart enough and embraced the thought of him, I'll love him again. Yesterday I was bordering on hating him and I had to really stop my mind from going on a train of negative thoughts, something that has never happened with him before. The centres for love and hate overlap each other in the brain.

Loving someone is a decision. He has decided to not love me. And may be I should make up my mind to love or not to love Arun.

Right now my heart is very small and hurt, very very hurt. May be there will be more peace in my life if I decide to not love him. Less anger, less drama and more focus.

I can't just be friends with him.

And I don't think I can ever depend on him.

When I do feel the love again I must stop myself from calling and messaging him.

I was very hurt when he said he wants to sleep with Ma. I don't know if it was a joke. It was a very distasteful thing to say. He has no filter.

I'm really feeling very negative about him for the first time in my life.

I have to forgive myself for feeling this way and I have to forgive him wholeheartedly. I know I'll be able to do that.

He is so arrogant and selfish. And he doesn't care a damn how much he hurts the people in his life.

All the same I know despite feeling this way right now I'll love him all the same always.

I hope Miso surmounts his chemo session well.

I'll go meet Eshna at night.

Today is going to be good.

Some guy from Dramanon will call me soon.

I have tons of things to do now.

Doing yoga after two days was very very good.

Yoga is heavenly. Life is heavenly. And love is all we need to be happy. So may be I should decide to love Arun. But that will complicate my life. 

Let's see. Time will tell.

I am feeling happy.

I am feeling love and compassion.

I am feeling hurt.

I am feeling worried about Miso.

I am feeling determined to achieve excellence in all that I do.

I am feeling that 20 minutes of chanting is not enough. I need to pour in more Daimoku.

I am feeling concerned about Arun. I hope he is happy.

I am feeling that life is going to turn out to be very very good.

Life is for loving. Loving is for happiness. And happiness is for all. And since I have life, love and happiness, my living is for all.

I am grateful for Miso's speedy recovery.

Love,

Me.

12.21 pm

Journal 22.1.2025 8.49 am A cryptic dream of caricatures

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a very elaborate complicated dream and I woke up with heartache. I love Arun.

In the dream I saw a lanky tall guy sleeping. Then I saw a girl who was working at a plush job and everyone accused her of not having studied for the job.

I saw two caricatured characters, an old man and woman, white on black, saying things like in a cartoon movie and them being voted as the best creations ever created.

Then the dream ended with a back-to-college kind of scenario where I thought about what I want to be. I woke up remembering how I had decided to be a journalist when I was 12.

I woke up rather late today. I miss Arun. But he has moved on. And I have to move on too.

Time heals everything.

I'm sitting in the Gazebo for two hours of yoga now.

I know that this will be an excellent day.

Today is Miso's first chemo session.

Pouring in lots of Daimoku for him and Arun.

Love,

Me.

8.57 am

Ps: Arun said my macaroons were from Iyengars but they were from Merwans... he didn't even know and he's lied to me so much. I'm done with him. I'm very very hurt by him.

9.21 am

Journal 21.1.2025 10.18 am nursing a hurt heart and guarding a lost relationship

Dear Journal,

Today I did not do any yoga, did not work at all and I spent some quality time with my Sheshu. Miso has cancer and is here in Mumbai for chemotherapy. I did not know that.

I'm going to pour in a lot of prayers for him. Tomorrow is his first session.

I spoke to Mesho, Mashi, Shefali and Sheshu at Bu's house.

We just came back from a dinner of Pav Bhaji.

All day long as I faced life I contemplated on the ending with Arun and faced the pain of a lost relationship.

After what happened yesterday I don't think things will ever be the same again with him.

I really regret getting angry and walking out of qd. But I was hurt and I was furious.

Well as he admitted he is loathe to forgive me for any digresses, is harbouring false notions of the past and most importantly he left me because he thinks I have a serious mental health issue. He does not believe in me.

I have also in the past viewed those suffering from a place of arrogance and I understand his point of view. He looks down upon me.

I met See in the evening and I studied On Attaining Buddhahood for Women. I'd studied it once before with Eshna today.

I did not share my problem with See but she said some very beautiful things while we were studying this Gosho.

And I realised all the way back, ruminating, that Arun's view of me is his point of view. I can accept him with his point of view.

I love him so much that I even view his rejection of me as an act of love. It causes me to fulfill my vow and expand my heart of compassion to its most vastness and embrace the marginalised and oppressed without fail and without further delay. That is my vow and that is my mission.

I will never let a single being feel that I come from a place of harsh judgment of them.

It calls for the utmost compassion and the extinguishing of any trace of arrogance in me. Of course I can't get angry because anger is an act of arrogance and we are always wrong when we are angry.

But Shakyamuni says the world of anger is a reality and even Buddhas fall into this world.

The Dalai Lama says, "If you don't get angry there is something wrong with you."

Well, this is the ending with Arun for me, the end of a relationship that brought me immense joy and value and broadened my view of life.

I won't message him or call him.

And I'll wish him well.

He gave my birthday gift of Macaroons to his watchmen.

And he could do with extinguishing his lying and deceitful ways.

But I won't tell him that because good advice always grates on the ears and I don't have that right in his life anymore.

I'm very hurt. But I'm not angry anymore. That's a major victory for me today.

I must arise to my mission without much adieu and I'm so grateful to Arun for opening my eyes. I'll never ever look down upon anyone and may I have the wisdom to make wholesome causes in that endeavour as I embrace those who need me the most.

My other victories today:

I spent quality time with Eshna and studied and chanted with her. I love her. She is such a good girl.

I met See today and I learnt so much from her. She is so wise.

I saw Sanskar's painting today. He is so talented. 

I got over my anger and grief today over my lost relationship with Arun.

I am moving on from Arun.

I ruminated and realised that my mission in life is coming closer and getting clearer.

I spent quality time with Mashi and Mesho. Mashi read my palm today.

I love praying these days and I love praying for other people like Arun. It makes me feel so good.

Today was an excellent day.

I have just begun to completely move on from Arun. That's a big leap I took today.

Well, hopefully some day we will talk and have a harmonious friendship. 

I am feeling:

Happy

A little pained and hurt over the ending with Arun.

Happy that I came to many deep realisations today.

Full of love.

Compassionate.

I've had a great day.

In other news Eshna has started smoking. I bought her a cigarette today for the first time.

I am grateful for the love that I have in my life.

I am grateful for the love Arun showered on me.

I am grateful because life is good and I'm getting wiser by the day.

Love,

Me.

Tomorrow better be an excellent day!

Good night!

10.53 pm

Journal 20.1.2025 8.44 am love lost

Dear Journal,

Yesterday Arun and I had a huge fight. He told me that he broke up with me because he thinks I have a mental health problem. He kept saying that he doesn't love me anymore. And I was furious and I walked out of qd.

I think I should stop loving him too.

Besides he's such a liar. He lies through his nose. I don't think I need someone I can't trust in my life.

He called me up and he ended the conversation on a good note. But I sent him many messages saying I don't love him anymore. I don't. I shouldn't.

He doesn't believe in me. But the truth is I know I'll always love him.

I don't think I should talk to him or meet him if I want to get over him. Time will do its thing.

He's such a cute person.

For the greater part of the evening I just sat there, a great distance from him. And then I hugged him and cried as he lied to me. I do love him. I love him so deeply. But I think I need to distance myself from him.

This is going to be painful, getting over Arun.

My baby he is. My sweetest heart. My favourite person in the whole wide world.

I don't think it's possible to stop loving him at all.

At the moment I am distraught and shedding many many tears.

I am feeling all teary.

I am feeling sad.

I am feeling hurt.

I am feeling my heart expands with love for Arun.

I am feeling determined to stop talking to him and really make that attempt to get over him.

I am feeling eager to face the day.

I am now going to sit and chant and pray for Arun.

Love,

Me.

8.54 am

Journal 19.1.2025 9.08 am dream of a phone call

Dear Journal,

I saw a dream when I woke up around 6 of meeting A's wife and her admonishing me. I was very sweet to her in the dream.

I was waiting for some communication with Arun in the dream. The dream ended with him calling me up and us having a very pleasant conversation.

I wish I had not sent him those messages last night but I really needed to communicate with him. I love him.

I finally woke up around 7.20. I've ditched yoga today. I'm going to do shavasana for 30 minutes now, then prepare for the zadankai. I have a mild headache.

Ma is at Bu's place. Pa called a bit ago to say we are having Idli for breakfast.

I am feeling so full of love.

I am feeling a mild headache.

I am feeling eager to write a good play for Skits.

I am feeling blessed.

I am feeling slightly left out and left behind.

I am feeling happy and serious.

I am grateful for everything.

Love,

Me.

9.14 am

Journal 18.1.2025 9.29 am a splitting headache

Dear Journal,

Instead of holding my asanas for 1 minute today, I held them for 40 seconds and wrapped up yoga 10 minutes before time.

Instead of doing meditation for 10 minutes I did it for 5 minutes today. And I have a splitting headache and the mosquitoes attacked me by the hordes today in the garden. I'm not feeling particularly upbeat.

Today as I was chanting I found it difficult to pray for Arun. Today was a little tough. Was it because of my headache?

The trick to good luck and good fortune is wishing others well.

I love Arun. But I've been feeling a little bit hurt. I would love to call him up and talk to him. I miss smelling him. 

The zadankai is tomorrow and we are underprepared.

Tomorrow one of Pa's childhood friends will be meeting us with her family. We are going to party at Bu's house.

Now I'll just lie down for 15 minutes and try to gather my bearings.

It should be a good good day!

Love,

Me.

9.36 am

Journal 14.1.2025 11.54 am Dream of Bhuda in a restaurant

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that Arun and I were walking around; the whole thing is unclear. Then I saw Bhuda, Shdi and Ari in a restaurant ordering meat and I wished I was with them.

As I was doing yoga today my mind dwelled on Arun.

He didn't call me up for two months. He lied to me on his birthday. He was not in Nagpur that day. I don't give much credence to my intuition but I think there was some girl in his life in those two months. He may have even kissed her. He may have even proposed. That's what the mind tells me.

Whenever he blames me for the breakup I feel really hurt. Him not calling me up for two months really hurt me. 

I really miss him. And I really love him. It was so easy for him to throw our relationship away.

Him just telling me that he doesn't love me anymore really really broke my heart to pieces. He didn't think even once how he hurt me. I'm so scared of not having him with me. I'm so scared of losing him to life.

I won't find someone to love the way I love him. Not all people who enter my life generate the kind of love that Arun generates in my whole being.

It's so easy for him to not be with me, and that really really hurts.

He doesn't even reply to my messages.

Yesterday See Dhi told me I must pray for a partner. I told her that I don't pray for anything of that sort. She said I must because I have so much to give.

I've had a few Tarot clients since morning.

Now I'll attend my tefl class and then sit and write. I'll eat my lunch somewhere along the way.

Nsji said he'll come home in the evening.

Let's see.

(I just had a 40 minute long Tarot client)

I am feeling sleepy.

I am feeling love.

I am feeling tired from my workout.

I am grateful for life and all its experiences.

Love,

Me.

12.48 pm

Journal 13.1.2025 10.43 am what will will

Dear Journal,

Yesterday Arun called. I met him at Qd for a beer. He is worried about how he will be with his brother.

He also kept saying that we are just friends. And that I troubled him a lot. That hurts me a lot that he keeps saying that.

I gave him my best and I still intend to give him my best. I have my flaws, he has his flaws. But that's no reason to break up because nobody is perfect. He is married. That's a reason to break up and he might as well make no bones about that.

He didn't call me up for two months when we were together. That's not a good sign in a relationship. Then one fine day he just broke up with me. I've handled him when he's angry and I've sat and cried when he's hurt me. But he is special. Super special. And I really really love him.

Seeing him sad really worries me. I'm actually really really worried about him. I miss being his girlfriend.

I slept for just four hours last night and woke up as usual to do yoga. Of course I'm groggy and negative and spewing venom.

Arun showed me some wonderful photos on his phone yesterday. For some reason he keeps telling me not to hate his wife. I don't hate her at all. Where does he get these ideas?

He'd made it quite clear that there was no future to us. And I'm crying. I miss my Arun.

I love love love my Arun. What has to happen will.

I am feeling sleepy.

I am feeling cloudy minded.

I am feeling tired.

I am feeling serious.

I am feeling love.

I am feeling slightly hurt.

Since I started writing this post I got umpteen Tarot clients, some on call and I've written this journal entry in a staggered fashion.

I am grateful for everything!

Love,

Me.

11.44 am

Journal 12.1.2025 7.22 am dream of exam

Dear Journal,

I had a dream where I was totally unprepared for an exam and kept asking Dig (looking all perverted) for the timetable of the exam till the end of the dream. They were my Neurobiology exams.

I put an assorted items of things into my bag including a plate with cut vegetables (lauki).

Some Gujju guy got onto his phone and was discussing scripts written by him.

Till the end of the dream I kept asking for the timetable.

I am sitting in the gazebo in the garden and woke up an hour ago.

I am feeling anxious, a little.

I am feeling a cold in my nose.

I am feeling geared to face the day.

I am feeling happy.

I am feeling slightly worried.

I am feeling love.

I love Arun.

I am grateful for life's myriad experiences and the various people who adorn it.

Love,

Me.

7.27 am

Journal 11.1.2025 8.25 am A dream of a place to stay

Dear Journal,

I am doing my yoga right now in the garden.

I woke up from a cryptic dream where I saw that Arun and I were on a safari with many friends and that he was looking for a place for me to stay. I guess that means that Arun is looking for a place for me to stay in his life.

I also saw a black wild animal with long legs and started running away.

Throughout the dream my mood was happy and joyous.

I saw that Arun and I had kind of willed to meet in life (in the dream).

I am feeling happy.

I am feeling determined.

I am feeling full of vigour.

I am feeling benevolent and sweet.

I am feeling in tune with nature.

I am grateful for this beautiful day!

Love,

Me.

8.29 am

I have often

I have often wondered placidly

At the vastness of the sky

That let's me speak lucidly 

When the heart expands to cry.

I have often sunk my feet in seawaters 

Dotted by the magnanimous cityscape

And thanked my lucky lucky stars

That I evolved from a great ape.

I have often drowned in the fragrance

Of a bed of roses, a sweaty nose,

Feeling precisely as satiated as

If I hade gorged a cheesy nosh.

I have often felt the softness of grass

Dewy and special to tread on,

Pleased that I might mindfully escape

Into another realm where dreams are born.

I know not if Providence designed

Life to please me such each day,

Or if my mind just plays with my heart

To show me forth the way.

Or if there are more lessons to be learnt 

Or more midnight lamps to be burnt

Or if Nature grants me fortitude

In every aspect, each moment bad or good.

Journal 10.1.2025 2.30 pm

Dear Journal,

I met A on Tuesday. The musty smell of his nose, all through his sweat and all the troubles in his mind, was to die for. Every time I think about him, the musty smell of his nose comes to mind. I could sustain myself smelling him.

He was rather worried about his brother. And he was also rather drunk. He said he'd call. But he hasn't. Well. He said we'd meet. But we haven't. Well.

He also accused me of a few things like threatening him with photos which are not true.

Yes, I was not my best as his girlfriend but I wasn't so bad. I did try. And I'm willing to try again.

I cleared my Gs and Mp interviews today. Also, Atl has an interview scheduled with me in some time now....

I have been keeping three hours in the morning, waking up early, for my yoga and chanting. I don't know why I didn't utilise the Gazebo before. There is a time for everything under the sun I guess.

Arun continues to dwell in my heart, activated further through my sustained prayers for him.

I know he will conquer. I know I will conquer.

All is well. All is well.

I am feeling sleepy.

I am feeling serious-minded.

I am feeling love.

I am feeling benevolent.

I am feeling happy.

If De calls today I'll go with him to distribute blankets for the poor.

Yesterday's meeting with Ga and See went really well. "Misfortune comes from one's mouth and ruins one. Good fortune comes from one's heart and redeems one."

I am grateful for life with all its people and all its experiences. I am grateful to good fortune.

Love,

Me.

2.43 pm

Walk ahead

I walk ahead, I walk ahead

Towards fortunes, towards death,

I bear with the distances you create

As I linger sometimes, sometimes tread,

Sprinting forward knowing not how

I could share more with you

All that the heart accrued.

I walk ahead, I walk ahead,

Not wanting the signs you've installed,

Wanting more than my daily bread,

I sow many saplings, nurturing them

That will shade you when you come again.

I walk ahead into eternity,

A veritable sage nulling heresies.

I walk ahead into purity,

A true well-wisher of humanity.

I walk ahead in love,

Guided by a hand above.

Journal 7.1.2024 8.57 am Dream of a big house and being pregnant

Dear Journal,

I woke up late from a complicated dream. I dreamt of a big house with a deep basement and using Sud kakima's hot pink lipstick and then dabbing it out.

I was showing the house to N. I haven't seen Arun in a dream in a long time.

I dreamt of our hotel room being robbed and the robber clicking a photograph.

I dreamt of being pregnant and Dr Donde favouring me over the other students.

It was a complicated dream with much moving around.

I'll just start my day. It's going to be a good good day.

I am grateful for this beautiful day and God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the food I eat.

I am grateful for my beautiful home.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for all the work in my life.

I am grateful for all the support I have.

I am feeling happy.

I am feeling love.

I am feeling determined.

Now I'll go do yoga in the garden.

Love,

Me.

9.04 am

Journal 6.1.2024 10.32 am Dream

Dear Journal,

Sometime while I was sleeping I had a dream that my phone had fallen and the screen had cracked. I hope I'm not being misunderstood.

In the morning before I woke up, I had a dream that I was wearing many layers of clothes and was immortal.

I just got back from my one-hour yoga session in the garden. This is the highlight of my day. Today is a good good day.

Love,

Me.

10.35 am

out of the haze

As I sit nursing the bruises and punches

Heart aching wild, I let go off all hunches,

Tending my inner child, blessings pouring forth

Causing me to be contorted in eighteen ways,

I lengthen my spine for the final jump out of the haze.

Life is calling and the stalemate has lifted 

Its ugly veil, and I am loathe to chide or admonish

Charting a new tale of when I can give my gifted

Blood and bones at the altar of love, 

Blessed from above in a mighty ethereal vest.

Journal 5.1.2024 8.11 pm the 90/10 rule

Dear Journal,

I just got off a call with Shou. As usual he spoke about his girlfriend and was asking me for advice. In the end he told me that he really values my friendship and regards me highly as a human being. That means a lot, coming from a true friend. He is the person who encouraged me to take Tarot professionally. It will never be my mainstay, but it's fun.

About two months ago I'd met Sonal, around Diwali. She was telling me about how she spent Diwali taking care of her father-in-law who suffered a stroke. She said that her father-i-l has always showered his love on her and supported her. And she told me about how he had become like a child during Diwali.

Then she said something I will never forget. She said that sometimes in a relationship one must give 90 per cent while the other person finds it difficult to give even ten per cent. She said no relationship is an equal 50-50. And when it's time to give 90 per cent we must not complain, we must not begrudge the other person. This is a lesson that will always stay with me.

I love Sonal. I really really value her. She is so intelligent. And I love that she is a children's book illustrator. I love everything about her. Plus she is an IITian. She is so smart.

Our common friends say that she also values my friendship. I think I'll call her soon and meet her.

Today Chotto took me, Sadhya and Chun to Palladium and bought us lots of books. I thought of buying some nice books for Arun. I even eyed a few on movies that he'd like. But in the end I didn't pick up any because I don't know how he would receive it. I hope some day I can again buy him a nice shirt.

My heart is kind of heavy. The family continues to create obstacles and Arun is not around. I really really love my Arun so deeply.

I hope he is fine and happy.

Tomorrow I will call the people Jaypee told me to connect with.

I didn't get a chance to do yoga in the morning but I did go to the garden before sunset to do yoga. Oh, how the mosquitoes swarmed about and fed on me and bled me! Tomorrow I must carry a mosquito repellent.

Doing yoga in the gazebo is an ethereal affair. With the birds chirping and the sounds of nature, I could stay immersed there. Were it not for the army of mosquitoes assaulting me that would be my new favourite spot.

Shou said that he wants to consult me about something and will call again.

Metta meditation is amazing. It's all about blessing everyone, right from the people it is easy to love to the people who create difficulties.

We live in the Saha world, the world of endurance, as Shakyamuni Buddha calls it and we each must endure.

When people tell me about their life stories and problems, my problems seem miniscule. So gratitude and forgiveness must always be employed.

Where there is love, sacrifice and acceptance must follow. Sacrifice and acceptance are the nature of love and relationships.

I really really love Arun. It was so easy to fall in love with him. Loving him comes so naturally to me, it's effortless. I must have really troubled him! I hope he is happy.

I would have been willing to endure any sacrifice for him. For no other man have I felt this way. And not talking to him is in itself a great sacrifice.

I think he misunderstood me when I told him that I need him. I need his presence in my life. I need just his entity to be there. And that is how it is. Everything else today is a sacrifice.

In other news, life is good. I will chant now, eat my dinner and read the papers. I must really start consuming the news again. I hope Shou calls.

I am feeling heartache.

I am feeling immensely grateful for life's many blessings.

I am feeling compassionate and loving.

I am feeling hopeful.

I am feeling happy.

I am feeling a little careless.

I am feeling so kind and forgiving and accepting.

Today instead of arguing with Ma about some silly thing she was haranguing me about, I let it go. And that left me feeling liberated.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for the food I eat.

I am grateful for the home I dwell in.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful for Arun and my family.

I am grateful for insights.

I am grateful that I had such a beautiful day.

I win in each moment, I win each day!

Love,

Me.

8.49 pm

Journal 4.1.2025 9.24 pm eyes so beautiful

Dear Journal,

It's a Saturday evening and Arun must be up and about with someone or the other in one of his haunts. I hope he reads my poetry.

When I was dating him everybody told me he would dump me because he is married. I relented.

Today everybody tells me I am a fool to love him so and I should start dating again. That's next to impossible right now.

People say a lot of things. But they can't gaze into my heart. My own mother doesn't understand me. I don't think even Arun ever understood just how I feel about him.

When he told me the last to last time we spoke that it was his decision to break up with me I was so hurt and so pained. It's taken me about a month since then to kind of reach this peaceful state of mind. He made it seem that he was ruminating breaking up for a long time. It hurts because breaking up with him was the last thing on my mind. I really meant it all those times when I told him I would never let him go. I still can't let him go.

Because loving someone has never been this easy. Of course there is dust and the dust settles and makes things filthy.

Arun has his flaws but I've never ever had to make any effort to love him. One look at his beautiful eyes is enough to fill my heart abrim.

Dimma always told me that the eyes are the windows to the soul. And Arun's soul is so so so beautiful; he is such a good humanbeing, the sweetest heart I know.

I love his smell whether he applies perfume or not and his voice plays melodies with my heart strings.

Despite all his madness, all his flaws loving him is very very easy, it's never been easier. And that is why he will always remain most special. Dating someone else again soon is next to impossible for me. (I have a feeling he may be dating again.)

I think he has the most beautiful eyes in the whole world.

Of course loving someone means not stifling them and giving them their space and freedoms that is why I've set him free much to the pain of my own heart.

Anyway destiny is a thing that plays out at its own pace. I have decided to change my heart towards Ma and really forgive her. The beginning of this cathartic journey has given me such an immense depth of understanding and peace.

The day started out on such a pleasant note today. I decided to take my yoga mat to the garden today and one hour with the insects, birds and flowers and greens filled my soul with such delight early in the morning that I hope I have the privilege to do that each morning.

I also spent a considerable amount of time with Jaypee today. He hasn't changed a bit. But I'm a little worried about his health.

We spent hours discussing the state of newspapers, books and other things.

I've had a good day and I've reached an understanding that I have to be able to process letting Arun go with more kindness to myself. I must have really troubled him a lot that he decided to break up with me. Or may be my flaws are so huge that they were unpardonable for him. I wish him all the very best. I wish myself lots of kindness as I go through the process of healing myself.

I also ticked off all the tasks in my routine today.

It's been a good day.

I am feeling hurt and heartbroken.

I am feeling love.

I am feeling teary.

I am feeling hopeful and eager.

I am feeling determined.

I am feeling grateful that I had such a great day.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I wish my sweet Arun all the very best.

Love,

Me.

9.51 pm

Ps: I must accept this pain in my heart and this hurt and grief and reason with it with utmost kindness to myself. Otherwise I will give in to delusions and fantasies and imaginations that will cause me to be unbecoming. Arun wants his freedom from me whatever his reasons may be. The fact is that with no effort on my part, with absolutely no dent of force my heart is set on him because my love for him is true and my appreciation of him is honest and to the point. I think he is the most beautiful human being in my life. How do I make peace with this dichotomy now? How now should I do that? May peace be with him and may God shine utmost peace on me. I don't think I'll be able to date again. Right now it seems impossible.

10.19 pm

Dust to dust, light to light

All through life the same forces have

Beaten me come backdrops of black or white

And as I swim here and there in the sea of life

I look for meaning in the pain, some respite.

The bruises are still fresh, they are scathing, they hurt

And I look within and find a lot of filth and dirt;

Dust and grime is the nature of life,

Even though you may keep cleaning, the dust keeps settling bright.

Even though my altar is polished today,

Tomorrow after me it will rust and with dust lay,

So then it must just be right

To polish it well only to you invite.

I find myself at the bottom of the ocean of hope

And I keep finding myself, keeping myself doped,

There is really no other goal to life

Except to make more friends, intentioned right.

Because as we walk today on the vast roads,

The feets will callous, and the nails again grow

And we must again dip ourselves in the holy waters

And clip and ablute to be the sky's sons and daughters.

The only aim then to polish again and again

Myself come sun or storm, spring or rain

Is to be perfumed enough to carry more on mine

Shoulders burdened or unburdened, no plaints, no slights.

Then the currency I accumulate today,

Washing off the salty tears and blood and sweat, 

Is the happiness of may be just one more life

Because dust to dust, light to light.

So let the conversations flow,

Pour the drinks around

And I'll bathe again tomorrow

To have you around.

Silken Gold

The heart has bled tears of sorrow

And been cut by shards into bits by furlough

And sometimes when I cry quiet tears

I look at the rubbles of yesterday, hopes of tomorrow.

Many years have passed making the same mistakes

And now my faults cause great distaste;

I could do with some pepper in the chicken broth

Because I am beyond doubt, beyond unbecoming wrath.

I need a balm that soothes my throat

So that I can laugh again after the weeping bouts

And when I lie ruminating on my fancies

You gallop in my mind's eye all prim and dandy.

I see no fault in you or those about

And yet I must ponder on all the past routs;

Good will is a prop that creates breezes;

Have I faltered there to see such freezes?

Tonight as you sleep deeply and serenely

I might creep up in your dreams discretely

Because what is a lesson learnt without

Hope and correction and changed sounds.

So the tone is different, the pitch more low,

The words are more of love and loving flow,

The actions are more mindful and conscientious

And the intention is deep-rooted in life-giving emotion.

So there I let the peace in me dawn

And rest my case as one reborn

Into a heart so golden, so daring, so bold,

So decisive and clear, of most silken gold.

Winter's night

In the snow-filled crevices 

As the sun fills the crest

The blue jay hops heavenly beyond

Into the white peking's nest.

The birds swim dolefully into the waters,

The kingfisher chirps yonder

And there amid the brambles I find

That sometimes I gallop, sometimes saunter.

There are insects many-pedded

Looking for some respite

And each being is hunting for

Some serenity, some delight.

And into the vast gloomy night

The souls merge in one swan song

Not making jokes, not making light,

Reflecting on all their wrongs.

And such is one wintry night,

When food is sparse but there is confidence,

Determined that as crippled by the cutting winds

Life will surmount all challenges.

Not giving up then is the moral,

On vast sheets of ice

Away from the corals,

One more step, one more stride

Into the vast gloomy wintry night.

Journal 3.1.2024 10.15 pm

Dear Journal,

All day long my mind was in a haze. I prayed fervently to God for so many things.

Buro and Sadhya came back from Jodhpur today. And I miss Melon and Kit Kat at home.

I hope something works out through PS.

Dukkha/confusion that leads to suffering is a part of life but it's so important to wish others well.

I thought a lot about Arun today and I hope he is fine.

I had five bottles of Cola today. I must stop this and smoking.

Victory is in each moment. Love is to be savoured.

Love is the force that guides all and God is love.

May I never be confused. 

I am feeling a tinge of sadness at having to bear with my family but I must not begrudge them. Everybody deserves understanding and care.

In other news life is good.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.22 pm

we have won this evening

The evening expands into the heavens

And each person has discarded the Devil;

Love flows in from every direction for me

And I am given a free hand to do just as I please.

Life comes calling and the peels are thrown

And today I have really grown.

My love tells me how deeply he loves me today

And I have won all the way.

Journal 2.1.2025 10.51 pm new year's takeaways

Dear Journal,

Today See Dhi, Ga Mo and me and then Ma and me studied the New Year's Gosho. I remember in 2019 Til had told me she was studying it everyday. I think I'll do that this year.

It's such a beautiful piece of writing by Nichiren.

"Misfortune befalls one who inwardly despises his mother and disregards his father." The past few days and the past few years have been hell-like for me in the family with violence and heated exchanges. I feel really disrespected in the family and it has sometimes been really difficult to be calm, happy or even sane.

I don't know what has gone wrong but I've tried my very best. Since yesterday I've been feeling really sombre and forlorn.

But despite all this I must transform my heart and not bear grudges. After all, complaint erases good fortune and gratitude increases good fortune. 2024 was spent loving A and just kind of recuperating from all the assaults of the past many years.

Again today Ma and Pa were both so acerbic and insulting. It's difficult to not feel heartache with this kind of treatment. But like Nichiren says despite everything one must not begrudge one's parents. After all, that is why we are alive; we live, breathe and love our parents and they are our reason.

Then Nichiren says: "The Buddha exists in our five foot body." We common mortals can see neither our own eyelashes nor the heavens in the distance. How then is it easy to perceive our Buddha nature?

But if we awaken to our reality of being Buddhas of eternal peace and joy and learn to respect ourselves, then we can respect all beings and their Buddha nature. Ma, Pa and Buro also have the Buddha nature as do I and we are a Buddha family and wherever I go I must spread love, happiness and peace.

Arun is a fiery, beautiful, blazing Buddha of eternal happiness and love.

Then Nichiren says: "Misfortune comes from one's mouth and ruins one and good fortune comes from one's heart."

The slights we commit in speech can ruin us and we must always speak sweet words and cease expressing words of insult and anger.

The New Year's Gosho also taught me that each day I must redetermine my vow to serve people and all beings and spread love.

It's vital to pray for all beings. It's vital to wish other people well no matter what they may have done to us. It's not just vital, it's imperative.

As I was smoking a cigarette between Arun and See's house today I realised that each time I've tasted success be it in any aspect of my life I've worked really hard. Hard work is the only antidote for success. This year despite everything I will work very very hard. There is really no other way. And I will pray each day. And I will bless all beings.

And I will win.

In other news I'm feeling really broken-hearted.

And in more news I really love Arun. I love his blessed hands and his sacred feet and his sweet serene demeanour and face and I miss him.

I am feeling heartbroken.

I am feeling determined.

I am feeling happy in a way.

I am feeling sad that I have to rearrange my room.

I am feeling loving.

I am feeling inspired.

I am missing Arun. He is always on my mind in each moment.

I am grateful for all beings who grace my life and for all my good fortune.

Love 

Me.

11.26 pm

Journal 2.1.2025 3.27 pm let's have a happy year

Dear Journal,

Ever since I met Arun last I have been so sad that I had 15 to 20 bottles of colas per day. Also, Ma and Pa going away created a void in my life.

Surabhi and Petkar uncle passed away since then further adding to my gloom.

I wasn't in my senses.

Dr Rao said whatever my state of mind may be it's definitely because of substance abuse. He said that I shouldn't be guzzling colas and must quit cigarettes and then my mind will also not waver on seemingly unrealistic thoughts as it does. I haven't had a cola today and am definitely feeling better.

Ma was so tough on me after she came back from Calcutta. She made me throw away half my things. Why are Ma and Buro so tough? Ma doesn't behave herself when she is sad. Kind of uncouth.

Anyway this alone time let me dwell on my thoughts.

I think I'll let Arun be. I understand him and I definitely love him deeply. And I don't know what the future has in store.

I've decided to stay away from Colas, tea and coffee and smoke far fewer cigarettes. I will also avoid drinking except socially.

My poetry book is out and some friends have bought it.

I haven't really been focusing on my tefl tesol classes as my room needs to be arranged.

Whenever I think seemingly unrealistic thoughts my mind is fixated on God in a very very profound way.

I believe in God.

I know God exists.

I feel God in my blood and bones.

On one very difficult day when Ma was raining all her wrath on me Bhalla took me to the beach.

In the past one month a few casting directors have reached out and I met a certain M Chandra who also worked in Times of India.

I know that 2025 will be a blessed year.

I wish Arun and his family a blessed year too. It's a new beginning. It's a new phase.

I wish all my loved ones, all my family and friends, the best year this year.

I have been reading reports of this year being particularly trying. People predict a major war.

I have also not got very good forebodings for the world in my Tarot this year. But I have hope.

My cards personally continue to be good.

I read the cards for a very sweet girl today and earned some money and transferred some money into Arun's account.

This year will be spectacular. I just know it.

I love my Arun. I love my parents and I love my brother and Sadhya.

I love all my friends.

I hope to quit smoking cigarettes this year.

May God bless the world especially this year.

May I have the courage to quit colas and smoking.

May love, laughter, prosperity, good health and joy shower from the heavens above.

I will be meeting Jaypee on Saturday after Danto's death.

I have a meeting with Shou on Sunday.

I will start my tefl and tesol classes on Monday.

I bless all beings with love, happiness, health, wealth and victory.

I know that whatever has to happen will.

I sent Arun some voice messages yesterday because I was really missing him. He is always on my mind.

We went to Baoji's for lunch yesterday. The food there is so good. I hope I can take Arun there some day.

May God shine his light on all of us.

I am grateful for each being and each moment of my life. I am grateful for all the happiness and love in my life.

Happy new year to me and everybody.

Love,

Me.

I am feeling very happy.

I am full of love.

I am determined to make the most of this year.

I am feeling positive.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful that I'm in such a happy frame of mind despite the particularly trying past month.

This year is special.

4 pm