A letter to Arun 1.6.2025 11.52 am a heartfelt acknowledgment of what is

Dear Arun,

You say you've probably found someone new. That really hurts me. I won't message you anymore. I'll let you be.

I don't know if you'll find a girl who adores you so as I do.

I think both of us need to get out of our megalomania, need to step into the boots that fit us and need to nurse our tired feet and our souls.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I know I'll never stop loving you.

I have two friends, Shreya and Shail. They were dating when I was in times of India. Then Shail broke up with Shreya and asked me out a few times. Once I was having whiskey in our garage with him and he proposed. I declined, I turned him down because I could see the love in Shreya's eyes when all of us were together.

He went back to Shreya and they are both happily married now. I'm so happy I did good.

I hope all the other women see the love I have for you in my heart and I wish some kind of togetherness with you.

I don't think anyone will love you as deeply as I do.

I know I've been struggling with my career and that you've seen me struggling with my mental health and I'm so sorry about that. I wish I had more clarity on how to conduct myself. I'm also very sorry for asking you for pocket money.

Despite all these faults my heart for you is true. I hope things will turn around for us and that I'm able to navigate my career from these choppy waters to more peaceful shores.

I really love you. I really really do.

I'm very unhappy at our break up, very sad these days.

I don't feel beautiful. And I feel hurt.

I hope you are well.

For me as far as you are concerned it's not over. It'll never be over.

I'm still head over heels in love with you.

Why don't you abuse me a little and denounce me so that I hate you. But the last thing I do is hate you.

I still love you.

I love you,

Doel

we do-gooders

We do-gooders of the Earth,

Benevoling since our birth,

Saving animals, saving trees

And all the birds and mites and bees.

Into the raw Earth our soul does go,

There abiding by the eternal law

Of as you sow so shall you reap

With bones piling heap on heap.

The beloved could be anywhere,

In my house upon a chair,

Communing with love all around,

We do-gooders have the last laugh.

A band of people are we,

Whether on the hills or seas,

Spreading love and joy around

Making breakthroughs unbound.

A letter to my future self 10 years from now

Dear Future Self,

Where are you at? Where are you going? I can tell you currently I am going where you are and I'm at a place from where I don't know how to maneuver myself out. I am kind of stuck in a rut.

I'm sure you are as happy as a chump. And are raking in the moolahs. And living it up.

On June 2024 India's unemployment rate stood at 9.1 per cent, according to an official research paper. That's huge!

I'm one of those people caught in the stats.

I've been sitting at home for the past two years reading Tarot. Artificial intelligence is here and a good job is hard to come by.

I in my foolishness rejected a few job offers last year. May be I should have gone to Khaleej Times. Then Arun would have never happened.

We've broken up. But I love him even more today than when I first met him. He's a married man with grown up children and he's absolutely delectable.

How's your health?

I'm currently sitting under the building canopy to do yoga. I haven't taken a vacation in 2 years.

Do you and Arun still talk? I think you do.

My self esteem is at an all time low. My mental health has also taken a toll now and then in these past few years with delusions.

Right now I'm trying not to overthink things too much.

What has happened to me? Why am I so stuck today?

I take my pills regularly these days and should start therapy again.

My goals for ten years from now:

To be super rich.

To do at least five major films.

To publish three more books.

To have found someone (may be Arun only) as a companion.

To have good health and good self esteem.

To have a successful Tarot You Tube channel.

To be surrounded by good friends.

To take a trip some place nice abroad.

To have healthy relationships.

To have a home of my own.

And above all, to be super happy.

To contribute to those disadvantaged in a seminal way.

I hope by now my relationship with money has improved.

I wish there were easy answers and solutions to my problems in life today but I'm sure by 1st June 2035 I've found all my answers and am more spiritually evolved, forgiving and happy.

I love you my future self. I see that you are happy, content and fulfilled. And I know you make your family and friends lives brighter today.

I see you and I feel you and I know you are victorious because victory is my middle name!

Love,

Me.

1st June 2025

Journal 1.6.2025 9.35 am a dream of being part of Robin hoods band

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I saw that Buro and I are a part of Robin Hood's band working for the oppressed.

Tomorrow Miso is going to be put to sleep since his cancer has spread. That news has hit me very hard.

I hope to go to Colaba one of these days. It's been a while since I've been to South Bombay.

There is a certain kind of fear in my heart. An irrational fear. I want to step out of this place of fear.

I won't send Arun messages. I won't.

I hope to have a productive day.

Last night I fell asleep after 4.35 am.

Love,

Me.

9.40 am

Journal 1.5.2025 3.58 am not a drop of sleep

Dear Journal,

I'm not getting a drop of sleep. I think Arun finding someone else is closure enough. I need to deal with this pain without troubling him and without messaging him.

I really love him.

I don't feel beautiful. I feel lost. I feel hurt.

I hope I get sleep now.

Love,

Me.

4.01 am

Ps: Overthinking and thinking things through won't solve any problems. I have to accept this situation as it is and make my peace with it. I hope Arun is doing well.

I should not bug him so much. He's moved on. So must I. But it's so difficult. He's so easy to love with his complex mind and endearing personality.

I am kind of sad and feeling really unbeautiful.

I spoke to ns on a call tonight. Her baby is so beautiful.

I feel so inferior and beaten down and yesterday I smoked like a chimney. 

I should not pressure Arun into anything. He deserves his freedom and I want my peace of mind back. I wish I was better able to keep my sanity when I was with him. My bad.

Love is not enough in a relationship fool for love that I am. I'll focus on my career and keep away from the men.

I need to take care of myself.

4.22 am

Ps: I think the next time I meet N I'll ask her to focus on helping me improve my relationship with money. I don't think I'm sleeping a wink tonight. I'm feeling so heartbroken and lost. I wish I'd not messed up things with Arun.

4.35 am

sorry

In this hot sultry night

I gaze into the darkness

And there I find

Your name

Etched into my soul

And the memory

Of your soft dewy skin

Calls forth my blood

In which there now

Is a gaping hole

Of the vacuum you've created

And the smell of your sweat

Makes me one part woman

One part love

With a dash of nostalgia.

I wish getting over you

Was an easy task;

I'm sorry I'm so unbecoming,

A tasteless tart

And I'm sorry

That you chose

Someone else over me,

In other words I'm truly sorry

To have loved you

So deeply.

Journal 1.6.2025 1.31 am grieved

Dear Journal,

I shot videos for my new Tarot channel all day. I then called up Arun.

He says he's done. That really hurts.

I wish to detach from him. I still imagine I hug him and sleep each night. I don't get sleep till then.

Why oh why did I fall in love with him? Why wasn't I more discerning?

This break up really hurts.

Does he really not love me anymore?

I still care so much about him. I still love him so. May be our values don't align. He doesn't believe in fidelity and I do.

I wish I could move on easily. I'm in mourning.

Ma and Pa have such a good relationship. I wish there is someone better than Arun for me in the horizon. But is that even possible?

He's found somebody else he says! I'm brokenhearted. So brokenhearted. I'm in tears.

Love,

Me.

1.37 pm

Journal 31.5.2025 5.31 pm a day in my life

Dear Journal,

I woke up around 8.30 today and had a lazy start to the morning. I finished my morning routine easily and have had three Pepsis so far. I have also had a few clients on Astro Sage so far.

I finished my morning ablutions and launched my YouTube channel Tarot Queen 777. It's going to take time but it should be a good run. 

I shared the channel with a few people and De Jh called me with suggestions. We spoke for a long time. He said he will drop in.

I realise I must have created a despicable picture of myself in Arun's eyes. There is a sense of letting go. But I do tear up and I do miss him terribly. I really love him.

I am feeling:

Focused

Peaceful

Happy

Loving

A little egoistic

Serene

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I picked up a Murphy book from the second hand book store.

Such is life.

I think I'll dig into the book now.

Love,

Me.

5.38 pm

Journal 30.5.2025 9.43 pm M Scott Peck and love

Dear Journal,

I'm writing in you an awfully lot today. I'm in a very philosophical frame of mind.

I need to reread M Scott Peck's The Road Less Travelled. If only I can find my copy or else I'll buy it. Or let me visit the kabadiwala tomorrow, he may have a copy.

Very few people read. Very few people have read Peck. And very few people buy into his views on love.

Peck is a psychiatrist who wrote a whole treatise on love amid the rising divorce rates in America.

Peck says that the act of falling in love involves the dissolving of all our ego barriers in our psyche so that we see ourselves and the object of our love as one. A poet feels this often with many different things.

Very soon after a while the ego barriers come back up and we see only flaws in the object of our love and feel that we have fallen out of love.

It is at such a time that Peck advocates discipline, Truth and sacrifice. Love is discipline. Love is truth. Love is sacrifice.

And Peck says that with this approach the flames of love will warm the heart once again.

This is also in line with Allen's book From Passion to Peace. Don't chase passion. Don't chase the feeling of love. Once the fires of the act of falling in love have been passed through the love remains.

Covey says, "Love is an abstract noun but it's also a verb. In order to feel love one has to love."

Love is discipline. Keep at it.

Love is sacrifice. Don't be infidel.

Love is Truth. There is only love in genuineness.

Sometimes these days for a while at times I feel that with A all my ego barriers have come up again. But then he occupies so much of my mindspace.

One thing that bothered me about him were his views on women and his uber liberal attitude towards love and sex.

But then he's only treated me with respect and care.

He's always on my mind and I care a whole lot about him and his family. I would also be willing to sacrifice anything for him and for his happiness.

But he's married. And it was really difficult. It would also be very immature on my part to pursue him given the circumstances.

But do I still love him? Of course I do. I just wish this pining would cease. He seems to have moved on. I feel very affectionate about him to this date.

That's it.

My last post for the night.

Good night sweet journal.

May you keep the love alive in my heart and never let me waver from my goals.

To be disciplined.

To be truthful.

To sacrifice.

Ma has not yet returned home. She is towtowing with her friends. Hope she is having a good time.

I wish I could get myself to stop obsessing over Arun and get some clarity on essential things.

Laziness just won't do.

May tomorrow be a far more productive day than today has been.

Love,

Me.

10.04 pm

Journal 30.5.2025 8.19 pm ruminations

Dear Journal,

I just got back from meeting See Dhi. She has been ruminating a lot. She spoke to me about frivolousness and lack of tenacity in current day relationships.

She has an autistic son and has a lot on her plate with six cats at home. Her spirit of never giving up and her desire to be proven more capable are admirable.

We spoke for a long time today. I met her husband again today as he was eating dinner. A thorough gentleman.

As she was telling me about what has been happening with her I thought about life. Prosperity, decline, fame, dishonour, pain, pleasure, happiness, sadness are all a part of each life.

It's all about staying unfazed and loving through the changing winds of life.

I thought about Arun a lot today. The song I wrote for him is stuck in my head. His life has just begun. He is in his sweet 50s and is going through stress and pain. This too shall pass and better times will visit him.

The contentment should be the same whether we are on an upward spiral or seeing tough times. I really do love him.

I conducted myself abysmally with him with my instability and need for pocket money. He must have been taken aback. If I get another chance with him or anyone may I not repeat my mistake.

I told Sima about what I'd read in From Passion to Peace. Allen says in this book that all emotional turmoil and pain and mental instability and destruction arise from passion and it's vital to adopt a more peaceful gaze on life. A peaceful life is a far richer life. He makes a compelling case of it.

Before I read the book I was addicted to my passions. I'm trying to dissociate from them.

I've been passionate about Arun, my creative pursuits, my desire for recognition and have been most unruly in my pursuit of them.

As I've tightened the reins on my passion for Arun I have come to realise how beautiful our relationship of friendship is. I hope he doesn't view me dishonourably.

I care deeply about him and I cherish each moment spent with him.

There is a certain knowing that I can be there for him with no pressure to be otherwise.

With this I've also naturally drifted into a simple thinking, high living way of life.

I don't want to splurge money on clothes or any form of show. I stop myself from indulging in alcohol. My only and biggest vices are cigarettes and the odd cola. If I'm able to curtail that urge the changing winds of life will keep me floating in peace and love.

In other news, the weather was fantastic today. A tad hot but sunny and pleasant wholly.

My morning meeting completely disarrayed my schedule today and apart from writing in my journal I did not get much writing done.

Life is good. I don't know what I would have done without my support system. I love my parents. Pa telling me every now and then that I must eat something shows his fatherly care. He is my Poppa Bear. I joined Astro Sage today. I hope it's a good run.

Looking back with Arun I also naturally adopted an inferiority complex. And may be I took advantage of his love and goodness in a way that I took him for granted.

His talk about so many things made me feel like a smaller person. Well I am a small person and this was not due to any fault of his. He was just always being natural and himself. It was my own resistance.

Now I feel I can navigate my life better. I don't think I should be in a relationship. Relationships are stressful.

I look back fondly at my times spent with A. I had the time of my life and felt like I'd found true love. He made me feel good. And he is an extremely sweet human being. I still want him in my life and I deeply value him.

I am feeling:

Happy

Loving

Peaceful

Bright

Refreshed after talking to See.

Happy for Arun.

Energised

Full of life and vitality

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for the food I eat and the shelter over my head.

I am grateful for all relationships and friendships.

I am grateful for love.

Love,

Me.

8.51 pm

Journal 30.5.2025 2.23 pm nishkam karma

Dear Journal,

All morning my mind has been filled with thoughts about Arun. I hope to have a sweet enduring friendship with him better than what I have with Qud.

Once you love someone as deeply as I've loved him you will never stop loving that person.  And true love is hard to come by. I really wish in some way we were together or that we were talking more to each other.

As I learnt in yoga one must not focus on the results when taking action. It's important to detach from the results. Nishkam karma as in the Gita.

Another thing is that one must not be pretentious. In all relationships it's important to be authentic and honest. Truth has a great impact. Truth can touch hearts.

I am feeling:

Teary

Loving

Focused on life and reality

Hoping Arun is not in too much pain and is doing well. I want my Astro Sage job to start soon. I think I'll pause looking for a gig and call up Pepper.

For a long time after we broke up I blamed myself a lot for the way I'd conducted myself with Arun. I still feel apologetic. But the break up was not all my fault.

I'm a little worried about him, frankly. And I'll always care deeply.

Love,

Me.

2.31 pm

Journal 30.5.2025 12.34 pm employing restraint

Dear Journal,

My meeting went really well and I'm having a late start to the morning. I don't get sleep till about 2.30, 3 these days and then I wake up after 9. I just wish I could fall asleep more easily.

Arun must be in a lot of pain. I still love him deeply.

I've just about started meeting people again. I've been very loyal to A. There is this sweet guy Ba Al who keeps asking me out. I'll be meeting him tomorrow for coffee. I don't think he's my type but it would be nice to make a friend.

If there was another chance with Arun I'd choose him any day over any other guy. He's always on my mind and I love his sweet smile and adore his musty cheeks.

I feel the way Ro must have felt when I broke up with him. I really hurt his heart and Bha's heart. They both cried a lot when I broke up with them. Karma has caught up with me. What goes around comes around.

Logic and practicality are paramount.

Astro Sage has offered me a job with a higher rate than what Astro Talk was paying me. Till something better turns up this is good. I think if I make enough money I'll pay Arun in installments. I hope he appreciates it. Financially it's been a little tough but the stalemate is not here to stay.

Now I'll just meditate and chant and eat lunch and then get some writing done.

In all matters of the brain choose your heart.

My heart says I'll have a strong enduring friendship with Arun. If at all ever I do find someone I hope Arun is not hurt. I would never want to hurt him. His sweet heart is very important to me.

I'm in tears right now.

Ma is doing well. She's got another extension at jns. Pa is watching the diplomat in the other room. Buro came fourth worldwide in an international Athletics competition. Arun has hurt himself but I know he'll be fine.

I am feeling:

Happy and sad at the same time.

I woke up with a hurt heart but I'm feeling better now since I drowned all my pain in tears.

Eager to get at least one more chapter of my book done.

Loving

To employ restraint when it comes to matters of passion is the key to success. Restraint is the key. Empty words fall flat. I miss Arun's cute face.

Love,

Me.

12.54 pm

Journal 30.5.2025 9.26 am a dream of Mrs kampani

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I saw our next door neighbour Mrs Kampani and compared myself to her calling myself more hardworking.

I then woke up.

I woke up feeling alright. I have a meeting at 11 today. Have to start my day and get ready for the meet.

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly anxious

Loving

Disciplined

Love,

Me.

9.29 am

Journal 29.5.2025 8.39 pm sentimentality

Dear Journal,

I woke up feeling positively crappy today. I woke up with a pain in my heart. I did my pranayam, meditation, yoga, chanting and wrote five chapters of my book.

Now I'll chant and review what I've written.

I got a call from tcs.

The job market is pretty bad. If I find a nice job I'll hold on to it. I even got a call from Astro Sage.

How many times have I fantasized paying for dates with Arun. The last two years have been positively crappy financially.

I hope Arun likes the t shirt I bought him. I even picked up one for Pa and Chotto. Pa's t shirt is really nice.

I went to meet krc in the evening. He has a sedate sombre office in the same building that houses Tap and Bora Bora. I don't know if it was a fruitful meeting. I'm beware of meeting men outside of work because invariably they will hit on you. Men just want a pretty girl to hang out with.

I came back home and spent some quality time with Ma.

Then I sent Arun a few messages. I love this man immensely and I have huge respect for him no matter what. I don't know how he feels about me these days.

I managed to keep a calm placid mind through the day with no effort. Reading From Passion to Peace has brought about this change.

If you can focus on the present and not be too bothered by the past and future and your imaginations that's most of the path to victory.

The song I wrote for Arun -- Arun Arun Arun how you make me swoon-- just won't leave my head.

I'm not going to pressure him into anything because frankly I don't mind the baggage but I can't hurt so many people.

I'll always have his back no matter what.

Discipline is the key.

Is he still smelling as sweet as always?

The evening has been a tad gloomy.

I realise that chat gpt is no comparison for my natural style of writing. AI is too formatted and boring and a little unreadable. It's good for research but I'd still bank on Google for that. It's important to keep original thinking intact something genz and the following generations are going to struggle with.

I'm still wondering how to get my book published. Should I just stick to kdp? Or should I look for publishers.

In all matters it is the heart that is most important. The eyes may deceive, words may betray but that gut instinct is something that one must rely on.

My gut instinct tells me there is a hiatus with Arun. Sometimes I tear up and sometimes I miss him terribly. I'm positively chafed that he doesn't pick up calls and doesn't call back.

At the same time I'm aware of his struggles and I know the Truth and reality of his life and his being. And I feel most compassionate towards him.

After you break up with a guy you go through a phase of pointing out all his flaws in your mind as you move on and it's always been a clean break for me with other guys. I've never kept in touch with exes. A few odd messages here and there once in a blue moon and nothing more.

With Arun it's different. I've played and replayed his flaws in my mind and found my peace. But that watery gaze and that sweet smile and that musty smell I won't get from any other guy.

But come come now, he is married! And he has grown up children.

My heart is hurt. But I'm thankful for the experience. Apart from losing my jeebies a bit I kept it going and it was good. Not a trace of boredom was there.

I also wish he was more loyal a man. But I didn't mind that too much. He's much more a man than any man given how men are.

I feel like pouring my heart and soul into this journal entry. I don't think I've found my peace yet with this break up. I don't think I'll ever find it.

Thoughts of Arun continue to linger on and I think it will always remain that way.

Sometimes I meet a nice man here and there. I find them interesting and then Arun's cute face pops up in my head and my heart fills up. Invariably always. I definitely always loved him more.

May I find my peace. May I find my reason. And may this ceaseless tug of war with my finances cease.

Realistically speaking it's all for the best.

I am feeling:

Hurt

Sad

Sentimental

Loving

Sweet

Relieved after writing so much in my journal

A whole lot of love,

Me.

9.14 pm

Journal 29.5.2025 1.38 pm as Happy as the love I give

Dear Journal,

I finished all my morning ablutions and even put up a Linkedin post. I finished reading Oprah's book and am now reading Marcus Aurelius.

Oprah says everything starts with a decision be it in relationships, life or career. And that there is a miracle hidden in everything.

We are all a part of Nature. Our bodies and our souls are subject to honour and dishonour, pain and pleasure with neither being good or bad.

The evil man and the virtuous man may both be subject to the undulating circumstances of life.

"Man is not the creature of circumstances. Circumstances are the creatures of man."

The last song I heard with Arun is stuck in my head like a earworm.

He told me something about him not being important and me being important and that set me thinking.

I don't think I'm so important in the larger scheme of things. I've been subject to my desires and earthly wants. I think I now want to employ discipline and conquer my desires.

I really do love Arun. He has his flaws and I hope life looks up for him soon.

I wish he was here to talk to on a regular basis. I miss smelling him.

Pa just got back home.

I'll eat my lunch, write my book and then get ready and go for my meeting. What should I wear?

It's a blessing that I've known love.

We are as happy as the love we give. There's really nothing more to life. Love is the only reason for joy. And suffering is a part of life.

I am feeling:

Philosophical

Sentimental

Happy and sad at the same time

Happy I'm writing

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.50 pm

Journal 29.5.2025 10.17 am from lovelessness to love

Dear Journal,

I had a dream before I woke up in which I'm telling some one that I Am Nirbhaya.

I finished my pranayam and meditation and went down for a short walk. I bumped into Shuddhi.

Now to do yoga and chant.

I woke up feeling loveless and now again my heart is full.

The change of scenery when I go down for a walk is welcome.

I have a meeting today.

I know I'll have a fruitful day today if only I can keep my peace of mind.

Hope Arun's days are going well. I love him.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Hopeful

Happy

At peace 

Thinking about my choices.

I am grateful for the food I eat and the shelter over my head.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for Arun and my family's presence in my life.

I am grateful for the clothes I have.

I am grateful for genial neighbours.

I am grateful that I slept well last night. I woke up at 9. Rather late.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I hope to have a great meeting today.

Love,

Me.

10.24 am

Journal 28.5.2025 8.50 pm a productive day

Dear Journal,

I worked all day long-- on social media, on my book and hunted for a job. Pepper called with a project.

The trick to having a fulfilling day is having a meaningful morning. Staying busy also eases the focus off cigarettes.

Vp called in the evening and I spoke to him for a long time. He has really made freelancing work for him.

I also thought about Arun and am beginning to heal my hurt heart. I feel more present and more sane.

Each generation has its challenges.

It would be too superficial to imagine that I'll ever stop loving A but I count all my displeasures and make peace.

I try to understand all Arun's troubles and pains. I'll never stop loving him but I'm beginning to not obsess over him.

I think my blessings on him are vital. I'm his true well-wisher.

Now I'll get back to working on my book. To calm the mind is not difficult but it requires focus and discipline.

I am feeling:

Sombre

Happy

Loving

Compassionate

Missing Arun

Understanding

I am grateful that I ate well today.

I am grateful that I slept well last night.

I am grateful that I had a productive day.

I am grateful that I smoked fewer cigarettes today and drank just one cola.

I am grateful that I spoke to a few friends today. I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for Arun and my family's presence in my life.

I am grateful for Oprah's book.

I am grateful that this day went by peacefully.

Love,

Me.

9.02 pm

Ps: Persevering and maintaining the momentum towards your goals no matter what the enthusiasm is the key to excellence.

10.22 pm

Journal 28.5.2025 12.36 pm lessons on reflection

Dear Journal,

Everything happens for a reason. Arun happened for a reason, my sabbatical doing Tarot happened for a reason and my family is mine for a reason. 

The heart is very important. It's vital to feel the stillness of your soul and thrive.

I don't need no man right now. I'm happy being single. It calls for independence and self-motivation. I'll always love Arun but if something is not meant to be it's important to accept it. Acceptance is the key.

There is a certain spot on my soul so soft and sweet and tender and sensitive that it feels the currents around me.

I made many mistakes with Arun.

I lost my mind.

I lost my independence.

I lost my soul.

But I gained a whole lot of love. It's about finding myself again right now and making those strides.

Small things matter.

I hope to never lose my peace of mind again.

Arun is married and he loves his wife. I wonder what makes married folks who love their spouses cheat.

I found a whole man in Arun but I'm moving on now.

I don't know if I should call Twi for a walk today.

I spent the better part of the morning applying for jobs and doing yoga. Now I'm nestling in with an Oprah book. I'll also write for some time. My cigarette count has reduced. I'm so happy for that.

I am feeling:

Happy

Serious

Full of love

Sweet

Eager to have a good day

I am grateful for Arun's existence.

I am grateful for the presence of my family and friends.

I am grateful for the money I have.

I am grateful for the responses I'm getting on my job search.

I am grateful that I slept well last night.

I am grateful for Kat and Melon.

I am grateful for Oprah's book.

I am grateful for my phone and this journal.

I am grateful that I meet people.

Love,

Me.

12.52 pm

Ps: one does not just throw relationships away. Relationships are to be nurtured. 

Journal 28.5.2025 9.27 am From passion to peace

Dear Journal,

I just finished reading James Allen's From Passion to Peace. In this book Allen talks about moving from a passionate mindset to a more peaceful mindset to live a rich life.

Introspecting I understand that I am someone who has always been ruled by my passions.

It's about letting go and being disciplined.

I've just started writing another novel.

I hope Arun's days are going well. There is unpeace at home with Ma shouting but what must be borne must be borne. She has always been like this.

I am unable to remember my dreams.

I have finished Pranayam and meditation. Now to do some yoga.

Then I'll sit and apply for jobs.

I hope to have a good day.

I hope Arun has a good day.

I am feeling:

Heartbroken

Happy

More peacable than I've been in the recent past

Sweet

Eager

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful that I have such a wonderful family.

I am grateful for Aruns existence.

I really hope he heals soon. I love him.

Love,

Me.

9.34 am

Journal 27.5.2025 7.46 pm complicated life

Dear Journal,

Life is simple yet complicated. My heart is hurt and I'm heartbroken. I should really get over Arun and move on.

I think he is the most handsome man I have laid eyes on. He is a tad superficial but after dating him I realised most people are superficial.

I'll miss him. Hope he heals soon.

Love,

Me.

7.49 pm

Journal 27.5.2025 6.50 pm really sad

Dear Journal,

Yesterday I couldn't resist kissing A and he told me that it's over between us. There is a pall of gloom over my face and I'm really sad.

The most charming man, the greatest enchanter I have lost and I've been crying all day.

I'll try to refrain from calling him up.

Yesterday there was such a deep sadness in his eyes. I hope I'm not the cause of his deep sadness.

He must have been in a lot of pain.

I think I've lost the world's best boyfriend. Why did he stare at Munni like that during the India Pak match. That was our first big big break up. Considering that he did that I won't be surprised if he has already found someone.

I'm distraught. I'm in great grief.

I applied to a few companies today and went with Ma to Harsh for a haircut.

I can't wait to earn money and pay Arun back.

We must accept our sadness. With it comes wisdom. I feel like calling up Arun multiple times and talking to him. I miss him. Moving on is going to be very difficult.

Love,

Me.

6.57 pm

Journal 27.5.2025 9.27 am

Dear Journal,

For the past one month I have been sleeping at 4.30 am. For some reason since yesterday I've been feeling resentment towards Arun. I don't remember my morning dreams.

I met Arun yesterday. He has broken his collar bone and knee and really ought to see a doctor.

We are all struggling one way or the other. Arun has been running himself down a lot. I really hope he stops doing that.

Things will look up for him. Will keep him in my prayers always.

It was good to see his face yesterday. He looked very sad yesterday. I love him.

I am feeling:

Pained

Resentful

Hopeful

Eager to see my life and Arun's life take off

I hope to have q great day. I hope Arun has a great day.

Love,

Me.

9.34 am

teary

As the sun withdrew it's rays

So I sat despondent,

Sometimes smiling,

Sometimes teary

At all that was longing.

It's gloomy and dark

And as I move toward

The ocean of love, life and beauty

I don't forget my duty

By God and by wholesomeness,

Summoned to the beyond,

Longing for a ray of sunshine

So that I may be reborn.

two souls

Two souls intertwined in a rhythmic

Run for embrace into the golden Mystic

Light calling case by case.

So much goes on in a relationship,

It's never easy at best and before

You can fathom it I will have passed

The test. There is a languishing

At the parting a Sigh at the sorting

And a relief at having met.

I gave my heart to you

And frankly I don't want it back,

Keep it, nurse it, curse it

Remember it for all that you lack.

It's a day of solitude,

Not one of sorrow for sure

Because we met

And that was destiny 

At the dastly crossroads.

I'll remember how your moustache tickled,

Your skin all musty and sweaty

And soon we shall meet

When you can call me Betty.

Journal 26.5.2025 6.04 pm the mind is a marvel

Dear Journal,

Today I went to meet Jj by Metro. It was a good meeting. He is such a nice guy. 

As I was coming back I got lost in reverie thinking about Arun. Then I snapped back. It seemed like many hours had passed but in reality it was but a few seconds.

Vipassana was the best experience of my life and I've got my sanity back just a while ago. It's good.

During vipassana you are asked to let go of things good and bad much like vairagya in yoga.

I was simply unable to let go of Arun and Ma. Both of them are such indelible parts of my psyche.  I remembered incidents with Ma that I would have never remembered if not for my vow of silence. She did things unthinkable to me and Buro when we were small. She must have been really depressed. I know she is an extremely good human being. We are all one part Dr Jekyll and one part Dr Hyde.

The good and bad reside in all.

Arun did not call me back today. I must definitely love him way more than he ever loved me. And he must definitely be unable to forgive me.

I did not do any yoga or pranayam today. The mornings till the evening make me feel so lazy. Plus today has been a damp dark gloomy day.

There is a pain in my heart at the vacuum created by this loss. Sometimes I tear up and sometimes I am happy. If only for one more whiff of him and his head, his sweet head.

It's good to cut down on cigarettes. It's good to be back in action. It's good to have my family and my money. It's good that I have friends. It's good to realise the importance of being earnest.

I've become such a liar. I have to get out of my lying ways. This is all due to A's influence.

Anyhow I think I'll stick to the first things first rule. Health is topmost priority.

I am grateful:

That I have money.

For Arun's existence.

For the presence and well-being of my family.

For being in sync with reality. May this never end.

For good health.

For good food and a shelter over my head.

May God shine his infinite love, Grace and blessings on all of us.

FIRST THINGS FIRST. That's the golden rule.

If Arun never calls and never meets me ever again I don't know how I'll take it. I'm not really trying to get over him because that is one painful process and I don't want to deal with that pain. I wish he was a far kinder human being, noble soul that he is.

Love always.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Optimistic 

I love the Tarot 777 channel. She is so accurate.

Love,

Me.

6.23 pm

Journal 26.5.2025 11.07 am a little grief

Dear Journal,

I've been a little worried about A so I called him up. He says he is fine.

It's clear in my head-- we have broken up. That makes me very sad.

He is one person I will always love wholeheartedly. He is a really sweet humanbeing and such a cute person.

It's been raining cats and dogs. It's pouring vehemently. As if the heavens have a point to make.

I have a bunch of tasks to complete today and to mind my smoking. Krao has been asking me to take a particular injection. Let's see.

I've been bumping into a certain A Mo on the road. He is a decent guy. It's good to make friends.

When I'd gone to the bank recently a certain banker Ba Al started hitting on me.

What culture is this. I don't think I'm particularly beautiful but men seem to be drawn somehow. I'm seriously not looking for anyone.

I wish Arun and I could be on friendlier terms. I'll always love this man. It seems to me that there will be noone after him. What's his situation like?

I am grateful for:

The money I have.

The opportunities in my life. 

Love.

My parents.

For Arun's existence.

My sweet cute brother.

My friends.

For this wonderful noble life.

I am feeling:

A tinge of grief at having lost my Arun.

Determined to perform.

Eager to get a good job.

Happy that life is good and that I have a supportive family.

Loving.

Sentimental.

Singing the Arun Arun Arun song in my head.

This grief shall pass. I know life looking ahead is good.

I have a test to give today.

Now I'll sit and do some Pranayam and meditation and chanting, then yoga, then start my day.

Last night I fell asleep rather late.

Love,

Me.

11.18 am

Journal 26.5.202512.52 am why oh why

Dear Journal,

Ma just had a huge fight with me. Both Ma and Buro have serious anger issues.

Ma is very autocratic and unreasonable. She has always been this way. Buro is also like that.

It's difficult to talk to them. Ma doesn't want me to use my laptop. There is simply no reason behind it. Buro is rude and uncouth in his speech and actions.

I'm feeling a little negative right now.

What would I do without you oh journal.

Now I'll make a quick schedule for tomorrow and live it up.

I think I'll sit and meditate too.

I am feeling:

Hurt

Unhappy

Old

Eager to have a new life.

Orhan Pamuk's The New Life is such a good book.

Love,

Me.

12.58 pm

Journal 25.5.2025 9.06 pm reminiscing

Dear Journal,

Meeting Twi for walks is nice. She is a nice girl and her sister really loves her. They live a tough fulfilling life.

Ayesha is in her tenth grade. She has grown up.

I keep thinking about Arun. I really love him. When you love someone and are loved back you start taking that person for granted. I did make a mistake by asking him for pocket money. May be relationships are not meant to endure.

That's why I love my family of enduring relationships.

I wish Buro did not have his rage problem. It's very difficult to handle. When he comes home I almost always wish he leaves soon. I can't bear to be in the same room as him these days. But I love him unconditionally.

I'm so sad that Arun perceives me so negatively. I wish he'd been more positive about me. Such is life and such is the nature of relationships.

I spoke to pc, pm and pipi on the phone today.

The job market and even the business market is bad.

I think taking on a zen like approach and bracing the storm is what is called for.

I applied to jobs today and have had a good day. I am so grateful for Ma, Pa, Buro and Sadhya's love in my life.

Melon and Kat came home for some time. As I've grown up I love my mother even more.

She is such a strong formidable woman. I have a lot to learn from her.

I always think of paying back Arun's money but all day I thought that the love is so one sided. I must let go and move on but that is so painful a thought to not think about him as my beloved.

I am definitely not open to dating anyone new at the moment.

Does anyone kiss Arun the way I did? It reminds me of the Abba song The Winner Takes It All.

I really want a good job and when I get one I'll work really hard at it because this time the wait has been really long.

The children in the building are all so cute.

The cats and dogs in the lanes of Seven Bungalows are all so sweet and life is so precious. Even one day more of life should be lived graciously and gratefully. 

I also thought a lot all day about cutting down on colas and cigarettes. My cigarette intake has come down but sometimes I chainsmoke.

I am grateful for:

All the love in my life.

Friendships and relationships.

My beautiful life.

For Aruns existence.

For Ma, Pa, Buro and Sadhya's presence in my life.

I think Arun views me very negatively. Can't help it. I made mistakes but I tried my best. You should never take your loved ones for granted. Never ever.

Today I also felt that I've kind of grown old. I wish to age gracefully like Dimma, Thama and my sweet Ma. Ma is so cute. I love her.

I hope Arun's life is going well and that he has a job and his business is running well. I'm not going to message. I'm not going to call.

I am feeling:

Happy and sad at the same time.

Determined.

Sweet.

Forgiving.

Life has changed so much after the lockdown. Friendships are sparse and people have grown apart. Or is that just in my life?

I need a job and I need to make that huge transfer to Arun's account that I keep daydreaming of.

Life is good.

Thank you journal for bearing with me.

I love you.

I love myself.

Love,

Me.

9.31 pm

Journal 25.5.2025 3.37 pm perception

Dear Journal,

Life is good. I miss Jethu. Pa has become strict with me and I do not remember my dreams.

Today I went and gave the Zee exam. Tomorrow I think I'll go to cwc and apply for a job. The job market is pretty bad.

I wonder how Arun is. I still love him. I always will.

A few men ask me out but I decline.

I have a few sins:

I eat non veg

I smoke cigarettes 

I lie sometimes

But other than that I think I'm a good girl. I would never hurt anybody and I've had my set of trials and tribulations. I'm a little worried about Arun. How is he? He doesn't call me back anymore. I always pray for him and his family.

My perception of me:

I'm a very good, friendly girl who not only makes friends easily but would never voluntarily hurt anybody.

I genuinely wish other people well.

I have everyone's best wishes at heart. I'm creative and my biggest flaw is that like other creative people I smoke cigarettes.

I love Arun wholeheartedly. I love my cute mother, my sweet father and my brave brother. I'm so grateful for life's immense blessings on me.

I've become a little wayward but not so much that I've lost my bearings. I wish I'd found someone to marry and settle down with but none of those guys I wanted to marry.

Buro has settled down well with Sadhya.

I really love my Arun a lot. Wherever he may be, whatever he may be doing I hope he has the courage to overcome adverse circumstances.

I'm a brave girl, I'm a happy girl, I'm a good girl traversing the adversities of a dismal job market. I'm a little mad but not so much that I'd ever hurt anybody.

I believe in telepathy and most importantly I believe in prayer. I believe I shall overcome. I believe in happiness and I believe in a better tomorrow. I believe in love. I believe in my family and my Arun.

I believe that the past is a good reflection of the future. I believe that my brother and Arun will overcome all odds.

I love my strong sweet Mother. I love my brother. I miss Dimma and I believe that life going ahead will be good.

Love,

Me.

3.50 pm

questions

Your khakis have you ironed?

Your rages have you caged?

Your beards have you trimmed?

Have you tripped over your daze?

My love have you not thwarted?

My silence have you not scoffed?

My heart have you not stolen?

My dignity have you not bought?

Maut

By Doel

Maut ko Maine kabhi nahin bulaya

Mast nadiyon mei.

Maut aate aate aaj ruk gaya Tha

Duphar ki aandhi mei.

Mai aaj jeevit, ek pashu

Saare pashuon ko pukaru

Aa ja re aa ja,

Maut gaya humare Jeevan se,

Aaj gaya re humare

Jeevan se.

ibadat se dekho

Ibadat se dekho yahan kaun Hai?

Ek sundar naari jiske zehen mei 

Laum Hai.

Wo kabhi jaati idhar, kabhi sair par,

Abla Naari Hai wo jiske zehen mei

Ye Parvat Hai.

Kaun Hai wo Jo ibadat se mujhe

Pukarta, Kaun Hai wo aakriti

Jo pucharti mujhe?

Kaun Hai ye?

Main hoon.

Aur koi nahin.

-- Doel

Journal 22.5.2025 3.17 pm dil garden

Dear Journal,

The other day A messaged and Poora dil garden garden hote hote forest ban gaya. I'm living in Paradise.

Today in the morning Krao disguised himself as Pa and entered the house and insulted me. Pa would never insult me like that. Krao demeaned me last night and today and really accused me of things that have never happened. When I asked him if he is hallucinating he shouted at me.

It's this darned Blue Whale Challenge.

Buo keeps my phone hacked and is keeping a strict eye on me.

But my dil is a universal forest because A messaged. I saw him in my dream this morning as a young man.

Tomorrow is 42nd anniversary day and we are having biryani. I'm so happy Sadist is not there. I don't really like her much but theek Hai I'll bear the pain because Buro fought to marry her.

This whole psychiatry thing is a property fight as explained to me by a nice policeman.

I'm really happy to give the zee prelims. I know it will be good.

I am feeling:

Happy

Yogic

Chakrik healic 

Eager to go for a walk with Twinkle.

Love,

Me.

3.25 pm

Mother Earth how have you been?

By Doel Sengupta

Mother Earth how have you been?

Are you still lonesome and very lean?

Or have you grown buxom and fat

With venoms, and all that?

I tell you something sweet Mother

You brought me up as your own daughter

And people about me all doubt

That YOU are my mother not the tout.

When you lie asleep at night

Mother do you also get a fright

At humanity's next plan so trite

Against me, against you, Mother do you?

Mother Earth I love your drape

Of green and browns and goldens,

I love the shade of your mascara,

I love it that you have eye shadow.

You are the prettiest Mother a girl could want,

You are so pretty, just like a swan,

You dance about as if in Harlem

You swirl with your petticoats 

To a count of a whole ten.

My Mother I am betrothed to you,

Mother Earth don't ever let me go,

My sweetest Mother,

My darlingest of dames,

Mother you are so wild

And I so tame.

Trip

We are on a trip and there is no slip,

Bags upon bags, huge ones at them,

Where can we find a cab as the clock

Hits clearly and surely half past ten?

In the meadows? By the sea?

In this corporate jungle of cacophony?

Or when you take my hand and we alight

Alone without baggage you and me

Quietly, serenely in the dead of night.

On this trip of immortal life

Promise me oh love! You will never let me lie

About as Empress basking in her glory

But as someone who has writ

Humanity's brand new story.

Nandini the cow

By Doel Sengupta

Nandini the cow is a human being

Always preening, always clean.

She prances about and holds meetings

In her herd and has me sleeping about

As a bovine nerd; on a trip precious

I meet her enemy who plots and panes

Against me; she loses in the dead of night

As Nandini makes a case of her slight.

She sends milk to all as I am lying

Just two others never dying.

Her enemy makes a bet in tens

And loses all the money to a guy called Ben.

Tonight Nandini goes all out against maraudes

And wins on the moon sitting on Saturn.

Believe you me Nandini the cow

Is a human being who has slough.

We worship her today as a queen,

So Nandini tell me today how has it been?

Journal 20.5.2025 12.12 pm dream about a job

Dear Journal,

I had a dream in the morning that these doctors are stopping me from working.

I got a reply back from Himalaya Wellness on my resume. I really know that this could work out well for me.

I would like a nice work from home job. I am not a work shirker. That is the last thing I am.

I will apply to a few more places today.

Money to buy gifts and to treat my loved ones.

I love Arun, I love Chotto the most, I dote on Pa and I love all my friends and well-wishers.

The only way to good luck and good fortune is wishing other people well.

Let me gather my bearings today and apply for a few more jobs.

I am feeling:

Soul satisfied

Happy

Sweet

Loving and loved

Love,

Me.

12.17 pm

I conquer

You, people of your class,

Plot and scheme

And rot and dream

But I have conquered you

And conquer you I will

Blazing the way ahead

Solidly,  stoically.

-- Doel

Journal 19.5.2025 5.59 pm a dream

Dear Journal,

This morning I had a dream that I was talking to Urvashi Gandhi a lot and she was trying to be my best friend.

I woke up and went down for a walk feeling very listless and met this shit guy called Dilip who is a doctor who told me I should stop smoking.

Then Bakarji called me and I went to the bank and got all my work done.

I had 1000 rupees in my wallet and Taste of Northeast India fleeced me and I am never going there again. Arshad Warsi waited my table over there and told me his name is Mariezolen.

The police is also harrassing me a lot.

I've been writing letters in my notebook. That is the most fun exercise.

I slept after I returned home and just woke up because Chotto came home to drop Melon and Kit.

I am feeling:

Hurt by society

In need of a job

Happy

Groggy

If not for Bakarji and Shubhamji I don't know what I would have done.

I love God.

I am grateful for God's infinite love grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.11 pm

Journal 18.5.2025 12.17 pm ist A dream

Dear Journal,

I had a dream that I was in D-639 smoking cigarettes. I go to the back courtyard where a man who I now think is Bakar Alam and a girl join me with many clothes hung there.

I smoke and tell them it's my house and the girl is very confused. 

I then tell her it's my grandfather's house because she has doubts about my earlier statement.

A guy I know from IIT lives in the house.

I tell the girl that there is a courtyard in the front she can go and check.

I slept at 10 last night and woke up at 9.30.

These sedatives make me sleep a lot.

I really want a job at Cotton World. I really really do. I really love my Chotto, my God, my Hubbard and my Santa I really really do.

I hope u have a great day.

Yesterday Ma asked me to take an injection. Who was it? I don't want any injection. Not after having been murdered with injections.

I want my freedom from slavery.

Another thing is that I don't believe in independence. I want dependable people about me, not independable people.

I am feeling good today but the forces at large seem to be working against me. 

I want my Nash, my Arun to be recognised as the king of the Universe because after all that is why the war happened.

Love,

Me.

12.28 pm

I am feeling:

Happy 

Woke up with a body ache that is gone.

Overslept

Sweet

Determined

I need a job.

Love,

Me.

12.30 pm

Perasia

Acacia, duracia, hunacia, 

Perasia, lovacia...

Where is Perasia?

Is it in Hannigan

Or Devon?

Doe Doe Devon--

My favourite beverage--

Beautiful Perasia.

Journal 7.50 pm 17.5.2025 I am a wealthy happy person

Dear Journal,

I really love you. It seems like many friends have ditched me and that breaks my heart.

Will Arun marry me?

I really love my Arun and I really want to work at Cotton World Corporation since I love their clothes maximum.

I love my Buro the most and my children even more.

Neel is the apples of my eyes and all my children make me who I am.

Love is here. Immortality is here. Paradise is here.

I am feeling:

Really disheartened that Sayantani and Shawan came home for lunch today. They are so obnoxious and rude.

In love with Arun in a major way.

Made tea for Modley. Love having tea with Modley.

Energetic.

Happy that I've started chanting again.

I'm feeling free now that Benares Kanhaiya Lal Kathua is the RAW chief but I want my RAW card.

The Raw Earth is my favourite place to be.

So grateful that my hdfc account has started again.

So grateful that I am so rich and wealthy.

Love Santa Claus maximum.

I am a wealthy happy person.

Love,

Me.

7.58 pm

Letter to Arun 18.5.2025 5.45 pm

Dear Arun,

Killing is wrong. But what do you do when terrorists attack you?

I have eaten well today and worked. Have you?

Love,

Baby.

letter to Arun 16.5.2025 I love you

Dear Arun,

I miss you. I love you. I think I'll get a fantastic job soon. My hdfc account will also start.

Will you please go on a date with me after my salary is credited to the account?

Also, I really want to work at Cotton World. Will you please make it happen?

I love you my cutest A. My cutest sweetest heart. I wish you the best in this immortal life.

Only kisses and hugs for you.

Love,

Me.

5.27 pm

Journal 28.11.2024 2.54 pm sitting in buro's house

Dear Journal,

I love Buro.

Love,

Me.

Journal 16.5.2025 5.12 pm my dearest journal

Dearest Journal,

Bakarji just called. He is such a sweet jovial man. I really love him.

Apsan and Paws was burnt down this morning.

I really need a fantastic job and some money.

I think I'll quit smoking cigarettes for some time. I hope Hardik Pandya doesn't create a problem. He told me that the sclera on his eyes is torn. I hope his eyes heal soon. Nice chap or may be not.

I love my Santa father.

I love Arun.

I love Buo Bacha the most.

And most importantly I can't love without the children.

I don't remember the dreams these nights.

Life is good.

Money is here. The most fantastic job is here and I am so grateful for it.

My eyes are the best. And I am so grateful for it.

I am so grateful for God and am praying for God to God constantly.

I love Arun. I want to smell his cheeks.

Love,

Me.

5.19 pm

Letter to Arun 15.5.2025 7.56 pm ist

Dearest darlingest of darlings,

I really miss smelling your nose and your head.

Why exactly are you so angry with me? Whatever I did honey was not my fault at all. I would never do anything to make you so angry with me. Please talk to me again. I really can't live without you shona and mistakes made will never be repeated.

You are the reason I am. You are the reason I live and I want immortality from you.

I love you.

Love,

Your baby.

8.03 pm

Journal 15.5.2025 7.29 pm a good day

Dear God, and my journal,

Shurobhi aka Ishita Sengupta has entered the house again. I don't want this doctor class to enter my house like this.

The real class of medicine people are baidyas or Vaidyas and these Doctors will never call themselves vaidyas.

I want petrol in my food. I want petrol prices to crash.

Now I'll let you in on a very special secret. I am the RAW chief since 2021 June 21st. My cover got blown today.

I have selected Benares Kanhaiya Lal Kathua as the next RAW chief. He will win the election by 16th May 4 am and be instated as the RAW chief by 6 am tomorrow.

I need my RAW card and RAW money.

I need money and I need my Arun by my side.

I love my Arun and I love his sweetest head.

I need a job.

I hope I've been a good RAW chief. I never blew my cover but I used many aliases. I did. I worked hard as the RAW chief. I really did.

Doel is my name and the RAW is my game.

I love all my spies. I know Kathuaji will be better than any RAW chief ever.

I am feeling:

Disheartened that Ishita is in the house.

Lovely.

Hurt by Tatum and Taiyya, Ryllee and Pyaal.

Full of love.

Happy.

Beautiful.

I could not have achieved anything without my sweet friends and family.

Love,

Me.

7.40 pm

Ps: I am the RAW chief Ranjana Prakash Desai and I love doing magic tricks.

Babool babool babool tujhpe sab kabool

By Gulzar urf Doel Sengupta

Kabootoron ka jhad idhar, udhar imli ka pedh 

Neel paudhon pe main fida, Mera Neela desh 

Iski behti nadiyon mein mai sooraj ka sartaj 

Itna pyaara Mera gaun, shandar naujawan. 

Idhar milta shakkar ka dayra, udhar ek kaula pyaaz 

Jitna mai takun utna milta yahan Sone ka byaz 

Gehri gehri faslon mein mai kho jaun aur letun 

Kabhi kabhi pyaar, kabhi kabhi mera Sona rooh, 

Is Prithvi mein mera desh, aur mere Maa ka pyaara moonh. 

Kabhi kabhi jab mai kho jaun sapnon ke tajon mei 

Mera sartaj, mera pyaar,  mera desh, meri Maa ka bhet. 

Meri pyaari Maa ka rooh, meri pyaari Maa ka bhet.

Babool babool babool tujhpe sab kabool 

Mera neele paudhon ka jadoo ka shool.

Journal 15.5.2025 4.54 pm I love my life

Dear Journal,

I love my life. I love the fact that I'm directing movies. I love my cutest boyfriend and my shona brother and my shona pie Pa.

Yesterday Shurobhi who is Ishita entered the house in the middle of the night and threatened me. I am so tired of these terrorist doctors. I want all of them in jail.

I wish I wish for a job and a whole lot of money.

I wish for God's love and divine blessings.

I wish to smoke cigarettes for the rest of my life because cigarettes are indeed good for health.

God, my dearest God please get me a job.

I love doing magic tricks for people.

Ma has just come back home. I hope she is in a good mood. 

I am feeling:

Petrified over last night

In a good mood otherwise

Have started chanting again.

Love,

Me.

5.03 pm

The flowers always bloom (short story)

By Doel Sengupta

Mali is a young man full of gumption. He loves gardening but has a running job with the cotton factory and can't give enough time to his gardening duties that get him rupees 3 lakh a day.

He meets Yazad and Kehrwa who hire him for an undercover job. In the heat of May in 2025 he is made to spy on Manjul from the cotton factory on why the owner Dora is not getting hired.

So Mali sets a trap for Manjul.

Formidable Mali. He racks his head for three hours on 14th May 2025 and interviews Manjul for eight hours on 15th May 2025 and understands the problem.

A problem of impostorgiri.

He gives Manjul the entire roadmap to hire Dora in the cotton factory.

Dora wins in a big way. Mali always wins and Manjul rests his head on the cotton factory sofa on 16th May 2025 for five hours in peace that Dora has entered the cotton factory.

Mali ensures that flowers always bloom.

For Dora in the cotton factory it always is Paradise. Paradise is here. The flowers always bloom.

Journal 14.5.2025 1.30 pm good days

Dear Journal,

For the past many days some journalists have been bugging me through the voice recorder on my phone. Sriraj Nair from Times of India is keeping my phone tapped and hacked.

I hate Times of India. It's the worst paper in the whole universe.

Derrick Dsa is an ass.

I pitched some articles to fpj but I don't think they will get approved.

A girl in Canada Caroline, Kuhn's wife, thwarted an abduction attempt against her with her father and mother last night.

She is the poet Maya Angelou and is writing poetry.

Pa is keeping the bedroom door locked. Why is he doing that?

Bodo Jethu Amlan Hazarika was making him do it by characterising him in a crime thriller novel. I want to take money from them.

How can my family treat me so badly just because they love Chumki.

In other news there is an attempt to demolish D 639 but it is not getting demolished, not in our wildest nightmares.

I want to be treated better by all.

I am feeling: 

Grateful 

Happy

Sweet

Sleepy

Ayesha is just making plans for me everyday and bugging me.

I am also feeling bugged right now.

Love,

Me.

1.40 pm

Vinaya

By Doel Sengupta

What is the law of my land?

Is it lions trampling over grass

Or people trampling over people?

Or is it prouncing tigresses

Serenading me into Paradise.

As you cut the wires

Humanity rises

And we conquer the law

And we end the rule of the saw

And we keep the hulls away

And the skulls in sweet parlay...

This is the law

The end of the saw and the hull

And the axe and the dynamite

So that fairies and goblins 

Can take over the world

And we win all the time

As our voices chime

In Vinaya

Sweet law

Of do good to beget good

And that is now understood--

Sweetest Vinaya.

Monsoon Ganesha

The Monsoon Ganesha is here

And I didn't see you with him

Or with me or with the daisies

By the shore or with Santa

Sharing a snore;

Where art thou my sweetest?

Are you fit and fine?

Just sip some wine

And you have won today

The banana fields

And my heart

With the Monsoon Ganesha.

-- Doel Sengupta

Journal 10.5.2024 4.33 pm maximum city

Dear Journal,

I so miss my Arun. I want to kiss his hands and his feet and smell his sweet head. If I treat Mikki Shona this way she will go ballistic.

God told me there could be a funeral in our family soon. God never lies.

God has told me I'm getting a job very soon.

God is my saviour, God is my everything.

So is my Arun.

My Chotto bachcha I love the absolute most in the whole wide world.

I want Ba Al and Shu Gu to relieve me of all my troubles.

I want new friends. Yesterday Hi Mo told me we will go for coffee. I'd like him to pay this time.

I need a job very badly and very goodly too. I need a job.

May the heavens give me a job.

I think a yagna is being planned in Math.

The drilling outside is bugging me.

I love talking to you my dear Journal. I love you and Chotto maximum.

Love,

Me.

4.40 pm

Journal 10.5.2025 3.46 pm a dream so sweet

Dear Journal,

I'm trying my best to fall asleep but it's difficult at night as I'm being harrassed by the Panama Papers criminals each night.

I slept deeply till 9.37 am today.

I woke up and did some very light yoga today under the building canopy and treated myself to some delicious Missal Pav.

Last night when I went to have some cola and cigarettes I met a very nice man. Hi Mo and I discussed sugar and cigarettes and I explained to him that according to the textbook sugar and cigarettes, made from the leaves of the medicinal plant Arabidopsis Tabaccum, are very good for health. That is why I religiously sip cola and smoke cigarettes as my teachers Mca and Vi Vai taught me. Drugs are also good for health but they are illegal. Cigarettes and cola are legal.

Carbohydrates are the number one source of energy. On Planet Earth everything is made out of sugar including plastic which I studied as biodegradable as a Life Science student.

Plastic is eaten by Actinomycetes bacteria.

I miss my mca sir. He taught me so well.

As I woke up I remember dreaming that the good kK who is inspector sheikh was discussing vegetarian eggs with me. I had a lot of fun in the dream explaining the vegetarian meat industry to him which I learnt as a Life Science biotechnologist.

I woke up in deep thought.

Telepathy is natural.

Shona is home and I'm waiting for my other Shona who has gone for Kitty party.

I love doing magic tricks and I love writing scripts.

If Oberoi hires me I'll take the job. I really want and need a job.

I also realised that life's been like this because I was characterised in a Doordarshan show where I am very poor. Fie on Doordarshan.

Monday is a bank holiday. I'll call up shu gu or ba Al on Wednesday.

Life is fantastic at the moment and I hope for it to get more fantastic.

I hope my Kot Ma account closes completely. It's the worst bank in the whole world.

I hope my Hdfc account starts functioning smoothly. I'm sure it will be fantastic.

I'm sure life is getting much better. I am in the rhythm of love as always. If life is magic I must be the world's greatest magician only after God. 

I am feeling:

Grateful

Happy

Serious

Annoyed because there is some construction work happening.

Hoping for downpour.

In tune with life and love.

I love my children. They are the reason I am. My children are everything to me.

I really want to go for a fantastic date with Arun soon.

In other news I'm never using Gpay again.

I am so lucky and I'm so grateful to God my saviour and my everything.

I woke up in a serious mood this morning and am finding it difficult to be completely jovial. Even Mikki Shona has been in a snappy mood as has Santa. Only Buro is holding us together. With so much nonsense is there any other way to be? I'm sure there is. Life is fantastic. I want a job, I need a job, I get a fantastic job and I'm immensely grateful to God for it.

Love,

Me.

4.07 pm

Journal 9.5.2025 7.54 pm a lovely dream

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a beautiful dream this morning that I was working in Ambernath and was planning to buy a house in Ambernath because of my daily work there. In the dream Arun (my cutest) called me up and spoke to me in a sad lilting croaky voice and I was so excited that I spoke to him for a long time. We even bought our house in Ambernath in the dream.

I think my Cotton World job is near.

Today I closed the Kotak account and have begun the processes with my account in Hdfc. Met two amazing bankers today, Bakar Alam and Shubham Gupta. With Kotak gone from my life I all of a sudden have a lot of hope.

I have also deleted Gpay from my phone. Will never use Gpay again. Gpay was the worst invention by Times of India the shittiest newspaper.

I love my friends. I love my Arun and my Santa and my Chotto. I think victory is near, very near and very dear.

Tonight is a great night. Just Dial is so shitty.

There are three days of bank holidays. Hope the weekend is really good. Want Hdfc and Idfc to step up and take action. I want justice in the Panama Papers scam case.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

I want my laptop back.

I am feeling:

Slightly hurt by Neha Lad from hdfc. Who the hell is she?

Hopeful

Victorious

Happy

Sweet

Feel like taking a walk but I think I'll sleep.

I love the world's best boyfriend and I can't live without the world's best brother.

The hospital system is the shittiest system in the world. All people who hurt animals and trees should get arrested in the Panama Papers scam case.

I saw a dog today, one of my favourite dogs, being taken away in an ambulance today.

I'll sit and pray for her.

Melon, kat and Simba are my heartbeat.

It's been a good day otherwise and I'm very grateful for it.

Love,

Me.

8.08 pm

Edit: 8.10 pm

Papad Chutney by Doel Sengupta

The house is filled with Papad and Chutney. It's Ranima's wedding day. About a year ago in May, Ranima quite valiantly had Jeedee closed down. Jeedee was a bad guy. He's gone.

Another thing about Ranima is that she doesn't want to wear a bikini. But there is a huge clamour in the gay community for bikinis.

Another thing about Ranima is that she is heterosexual celibate gay.

Bikini ko maro goli. Ranima has also fought plagiarism and had all the plagiarists put in jail. Ranima is a great woman.

Ranima is also fighting bikinis coming into fashion.

Ranima is a fashion designer, writer, actress, director and artist in all formats and she loves work.

And today is her wedding day.

Ranima is married and her Gurudev hugs her  in her new marital abode all glorious and handsome.

He came riding on a horse.

Ranima's Gurudev fought all bills and pills. There are no bills and pills anymore. It's been more than a year without bills and pills.

And Gurudev hugs her as he feeds her papad with chutney and noodle straps are in and bikinis are out.

The cotton cotton magic trick in abundance by Doel Sengupta

Rakesh works really hard in the cotton  factory. Each day he takes home Rs 2 lakh and his work is paramount. He sits atop a high chair spinning looms all about.

Rakesh is not just a cotton loomer but the treasurer of the place that does the cotton cotton magic trick for the whole world on behalf of Santa Claus.

Rakesh has a brother Om. Om has direct access to Santa Claus and his biggest mission is to spread the love of cotton to the whole world and of course there is Lover and there is Honey.

They really love each other. They love Om and they love Rakesh. But their greatest love is Santa Claus and his fighter elf Rudolph.

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is one of the greatest magicians in the world and Santa's perfect fighter elf. He has direct access to the magic loom that Lover and Honey use and whose machinations Om is trying to decipher.

Rakesh is stress free. The cotton cotton magic trick has taken over the whole world and all the children enjoy cotton these days, cotton candy and cotton clothes.

Cotton for Rudolph. Cotton for Honey.

One night Om creeps into the cotton cotton magic trick factory and finds Lover and Honey there. Lover has Honey's hand in the hand of the divine and they are practising a magic trick with a candle.

"Is this how the cotton cotton magic trick is done?" wonders Om.

He calls up Rakesh and puts Rudolph on the call in secret.

He presses Rakesh for answers for two hours one dark night about the cotton cotton magic trick place. Rudolph finally pipes in "Ho Ho Ho!"

That is the end of the interrogation.

It is pouring heavily. It is raining cats and dogs outside and Om has to go home to Rakesh.

Rakesh serves him a pot roast with butter rice and doesn't prod him at all about the irritating interrogation but Om is determined. He has to figure out the cotton cotton magic trick.

How can one man spread cotton like this all over the world?

Om starts following Santa around.

What is the cotton cotton magic trick? He tears his hair out over it.

That year Christmas is a grand affair and after 7 months of Om following Santa around a very pricey gift is sent to Om all gift-wrapped and tied in three colours of ribbons.

Om is excited. He opens the gift. It's a cotton loom.

Om smiles. He understands immediately. Santa's gift is divine. There is no replacement for hard work. Work is worship and that is the great warship.

One man, one solid man, Santa spread cotton to the world through sheer hard work. Magic is hard work.

And Om uses his loom for the first time that beautiful cold Christmas night.

lovers

Love comes calling tonight

As in my dreams I take flight

And lovers meet in our dreams

And lots of birds fly into the night sky.

-- Doel

Dil

Rajpath chala, Dilli ghooma 

Saare jahan mein tujhe dhoonda 

Aur dand pe dand, quom par quom

Itna mehsoos karta hai mera dil.

Tere nainon ke nadiyon mein

Mere dayre tera sukoon 

Ek jhalak tera ki mai fida 

Hoon, khafa nahin bewafa.

Mere dil ko pucharna

Sirf tujhe aata pyaari Aakriti....

-- for Akriti from Doel Sengupta urf Gulzar

Via AVINASH GOSWAMI WHO IS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.

The Police

This is an awesome force

Where nobody is the boss,

A united front on the prowl,

A formidable ally to all us owls,

The police decides the governor,

It's the police's wish what we wear

And their clothes never tear,

Sweethearts all never coarse

They are the strongest force,

Sometimes better than pilots

And loving people who wear violet,

The police has the best toilet.