Meeting Twi for walks is nice. She is a nice girl and her sister really loves her. They live a tough fulfilling life.
Ayesha is in her tenth grade. She has grown up.
I keep thinking about Arun. I really love him. When you love someone and are loved back you start taking that person for granted. I did make a mistake by asking him for pocket money. May be relationships are not meant to endure.
That's why I love my family of enduring relationships.
I wish Buro did not have his rage problem. It's very difficult to handle. When he comes home I almost always wish he leaves soon. I can't bear to be in the same room as him these days. But I love him unconditionally.
I'm so sad that Arun perceives me so negatively. I wish he'd been more positive about me. Such is life and such is the nature of relationships.
I spoke to pc, pm and pipi on the phone today.
The job market and even the business market is bad.
I think taking on a zen like approach and bracing the storm is what is called for.
I applied to jobs today and have had a good day. I am so grateful for Ma, Pa, Buro and Sadhya's love in my life.
Melon and Kat came home for some time. As I've grown up I love my mother even more.
She is such a strong formidable woman. I have a lot to learn from her.
I always think of paying back Arun's money but all day I thought that the love is so one sided. I must let go and move on but that is so painful a thought to not think about him as my beloved.
I am definitely not open to dating anyone new at the moment.
Does anyone kiss Arun the way I did? It reminds me of the Abba song The Winner Takes It All.
I really want a good job and when I get one I'll work really hard at it because this time the wait has been really long.
The children in the building are all so cute.
The cats and dogs in the lanes of Seven Bungalows are all so sweet and life is so precious. Even one day more of life should be lived graciously and gratefully.
I also thought a lot all day about cutting down on colas and cigarettes. My cigarette intake has come down but sometimes I chainsmoke.
I am grateful for:
All the love in my life.
Friendships and relationships.
My beautiful life.
For Aruns existence.
For Ma, Pa, Buro and Sadhya's presence in my life.
I think Arun views me very negatively. Can't help it. I made mistakes but I tried my best. You should never take your loved ones for granted. Never ever.
Today I also felt that I've kind of grown old. I wish to age gracefully like Dimma, Thama and my sweet Ma. Ma is so cute. I love her.
I hope Arun's life is going well and that he has a job and his business is running well. I'm not going to message. I'm not going to call.
I am feeling:
Happy and sad at the same time.
Determined.
Sweet.
Forgiving.
Life has changed so much after the lockdown. Friendships are sparse and people have grown apart. Or is that just in my life?
I need a job and I need to make that huge transfer to Arun's account that I keep daydreaming of.
Life is good.
Thank you journal for bearing with me.
I love you.
I love myself.
Love,
Me.
9.31 pm
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