I just got back from meeting See Dhi. She has been ruminating a lot. She spoke to me about frivolousness and lack of tenacity in current day relationships.
She has an autistic son and has a lot on her plate with six cats at home. Her spirit of never giving up and her desire to be proven more capable are admirable.
We spoke for a long time today. I met her husband again today as he was eating dinner. A thorough gentleman.
As she was telling me about what has been happening with her I thought about life. Prosperity, decline, fame, dishonour, pain, pleasure, happiness, sadness are all a part of each life.
It's all about staying unfazed and loving through the changing winds of life.
I thought about Arun a lot today. The song I wrote for him is stuck in my head. His life has just begun. He is in his sweet 50s and is going through stress and pain. This too shall pass and better times will visit him.
The contentment should be the same whether we are on an upward spiral or seeing tough times. I really do love him.
I conducted myself abysmally with him with my instability and need for pocket money. He must have been taken aback. If I get another chance with him or anyone may I not repeat my mistake.
I told Sima about what I'd read in From Passion to Peace. Allen says in this book that all emotional turmoil and pain and mental instability and destruction arise from passion and it's vital to adopt a more peaceful gaze on life. A peaceful life is a far richer life. He makes a compelling case of it.
Before I read the book I was addicted to my passions. I'm trying to dissociate from them.
I've been passionate about Arun, my creative pursuits, my desire for recognition and have been most unruly in my pursuit of them.
As I've tightened the reins on my passion for Arun I have come to realise how beautiful our relationship of friendship is. I hope he doesn't view me dishonourably.
I care deeply about him and I cherish each moment spent with him.
There is a certain knowing that I can be there for him with no pressure to be otherwise.
With this I've also naturally drifted into a simple thinking, high living way of life.
I don't want to splurge money on clothes or any form of show. I stop myself from indulging in alcohol. My only and biggest vices are cigarettes and the odd cola. If I'm able to curtail that urge the changing winds of life will keep me floating in peace and love.
In other news, the weather was fantastic today. A tad hot but sunny and pleasant wholly.
My morning meeting completely disarrayed my schedule today and apart from writing in my journal I did not get much writing done.
Life is good. I don't know what I would have done without my support system. I love my parents. Pa telling me every now and then that I must eat something shows his fatherly care. He is my Poppa Bear. I joined Astro Sage today. I hope it's a good run.
Looking back with Arun I also naturally adopted an inferiority complex. And may be I took advantage of his love and goodness in a way that I took him for granted.
His talk about so many things made me feel like a smaller person. Well I am a small person and this was not due to any fault of his. He was just always being natural and himself. It was my own resistance.
Now I feel I can navigate my life better. I don't think I should be in a relationship. Relationships are stressful.
I look back fondly at my times spent with A. I had the time of my life and felt like I'd found true love. He made me feel good. And he is an extremely sweet human being. I still want him in my life and I deeply value him.
I am feeling:
Happy
Loving
Peaceful
Bright
Refreshed after talking to See.
Happy for Arun.
Energised
Full of life and vitality
I am grateful for the money I have.
I am grateful for the food I eat and the shelter over my head.
I am grateful for all relationships and friendships.
I am grateful for love.
Love,
Me.
8.51 pm
No comments:
Post a Comment