Today I went to meet Jj by Metro. It was a good meeting. He is such a nice guy.
As I was coming back I got lost in reverie thinking about Arun. Then I snapped back. It seemed like many hours had passed but in reality it was but a few seconds.
Vipassana was the best experience of my life and I've got my sanity back just a while ago. It's good.
During vipassana you are asked to let go of things good and bad much like vairagya in yoga.
I was simply unable to let go of Arun and Ma. Both of them are such indelible parts of my psyche. I remembered incidents with Ma that I would have never remembered if not for my vow of silence. She did things unthinkable to me and Buro when we were small. She must have been really depressed. I know she is an extremely good human being. We are all one part Dr Jekyll and one part Dr Hyde.
The good and bad reside in all.
Arun did not call me back today. I must definitely love him way more than he ever loved me. And he must definitely be unable to forgive me.
I did not do any yoga or pranayam today. The mornings till the evening make me feel so lazy. Plus today has been a damp dark gloomy day.
There is a pain in my heart at the vacuum created by this loss. Sometimes I tear up and sometimes I am happy. If only for one more whiff of him and his head, his sweet head.
It's good to cut down on cigarettes. It's good to be back in action. It's good to have my family and my money. It's good that I have friends. It's good to realise the importance of being earnest.
I've become such a liar. I have to get out of my lying ways. This is all due to A's influence.
Anyhow I think I'll stick to the first things first rule. Health is topmost priority.
I am grateful:
That I have money.
For Arun's existence.
For the presence and well-being of my family.
For being in sync with reality. May this never end.
For good health.
For good food and a shelter over my head.
May God shine his infinite love, Grace and blessings on all of us.
FIRST THINGS FIRST. That's the golden rule.
If Arun never calls and never meets me ever again I don't know how I'll take it. I'm not really trying to get over him because that is one painful process and I don't want to deal with that pain. I wish he was a far kinder human being, noble soul that he is.
Love always.
I am feeling:
Happy
Full of love
Optimistic
I love the Tarot 777 channel. She is so accurate.
Love,
Me.
6.23 pm
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