freckled

Half my face is freckled

And half my face is not,

My beauty half-masked

By the abominable dot.

I go to him for a solution,

He says it's just a blot,

There's no escape from admonition,

No escape for half a beauty spot.

Some of it is upward blemished

Some of it is dented at the knot

But even with half a freckled face

I must receive what I've sought.

Journal 31.3.2024 9.51 pm

Dear Journal,

I don't know if Ashabari will like my editing.

Q messaged back saying it's alright and that I am welcome to his play readings.

I spoke to Pasha. I spoke to Arun.

I hope some good, easy work manifests.

I spent the last two hours daydreaming about Buddhism.

Now I'll read a little and go to sleep.

It's so good to have Ma and Pa home. I love them. I can talk to them about anything.

I love Buro who hasn't messaged in two days.

I love Arun.

I love the fact that Q messaged back.

I am grateful for Arun and his rocksolid support and his sweet heart.

I am grateful to Ma and Pa who are my friends.

I am grateful to Buo for his love.

I am grateful to Sadhya for being such a good girl.

I am grateful that I woke up today well rested and healthy.

I am grateful that I got to edit an article on cancer today.

I am grateful that Varun Pershad stopped by today.

I am grateful that I ate yummy food today.

I am grateful that I chatted with ma today.

I am grateful for having spoken to Pasha today.

I am grateful for my beautiful bed where I sleep and meditate.

I am grateful that I got out of my comfort zone today.

I am grateful that I read and can read and write.

I am grateful that I had a good yog nidra session today.

I am grateful for toothbrush and toothpaste.

I am grateful that I'm feeling sleepy now.

I am grateful for my beautiful life.

I am grateful for my beautiful body, mind and soul.

I am grateful for my phone.

I am grateful for this Journal which helps me introspect.

I am grateful that I am in talks with Pepper C.

I am grateful for yoga class.

I am grateful for my mission, vision, value sheet that I will read now.

Love,

Me.

10.04 pm

message to Q

Dear Quasar,

Firstly, please do forgive me for my outrage and the messages I sent you over silly imaginings a few years ago. I hope I have been forgiven by both you and Toral. I am healing, I am taking care of my emotional health. I trust you guys are doing well.

That being said, the first thing that was foregone for me when that happened was attending your brilliant play readings (that I regularly attended before the lockdown). I used to enjoy them thoroughly given that I'm so passionate about theatre. I am still throughly embarrassed by my behaviour.

But the pull of your play readings overshadows my inhibitions today. I've missed Thespo too. I keep hearing from people who attend Thespo and your play readings about how much fun they've had.

I hope you guys have forgiven me enough so that I can come for your play readings again.

This is the first break in the wall that stops me, the first step in forgiving myself and also in apologising to you guys profusely. 

Please do invite me if you feel up to it. I would by coy and embarrassed, but I would still love to be there for your next play reading.

Thanks,

Doel

Journal 31.3.2024 2.53 pm

Dear Journal,

What has happened to me? Why am I so lethargic? Is it because of all the alcohol I'm drinking?

Ma and Pa are returning today after five days at a detox camp.

Two days ago, on Friday, Arun came home. We had a good time. I was really tired after yoga class and no, we did not have sex.

He was home till almost 2.50 am.

We watched the IPL and the movie Animal. We had a really good time even though I was exhausted. I love him when he gets emotional. I love his cuteness, his handsomeness, his beautiful heart and I don't know where we are going. I don't know if he thinks about us in the future. I'm sure he has some thoughts, but he has never vocalised it.

Yesterday, I went and got a haircut. I came back and got ready, then headed out to meet a casting director called Sohan. I hope I get cast in a good role in some movie.

Sohan said that he would definitely like to work with me.

Then I came home, meditated and headed out to meet Arun. We went to watch Madgaon Express. We were late for the film and since the payment had to be made only by cash I paid for the tickets.

The lead role, played by Dibyendu Sharma, was of a guy who is a loser in life. He compares his life to his two friends who live abroad and lies to them about his meagre life.

I identified with his character.

I always feel I haven't got that far in life when compared to my friends. I've not yet taken a trip abroad. It's all due to the turmoil in my life and my I'll reactions to them and that for a large part of my life I've seen Ma getting unreasonably angry till today (she's much better now) and now there is Buro's anger to handle.

I wish I had reacted more positively to the adverse circumstances of life. But I didn't know any better.

The movie put me in a bad mood. I've anyway been doubting myself and the film exacerbated those emotions.

Both Arun and I did not enjoy the film.

Then, he took me to On Toes where we had a sedate date. He kept looking at me with a weary look in his eyes as he enjoyed the music and I doted on him.

I have fallen deeply in love with him.

Wherever we go he is everybody's eye candy. He could really be with anybody.

If there's one thing I wish for my relationship with him, it's that we are based on a deep sense of committment. I surely feel devoted to him, and committed to him.

I came back home around 1.20 am and took my pills and fell asleep.

I woke up after 10, found Arun online and messaged him. Then I called him to an unanswered call.

A while later he called me back. I think our relationship has settled into a rhythm of routine.

Then Varun Pershad called and said let's go out. I told him to come home.

He came home around 11.50 am. I made him an omelette and a cup of coffee and we chatted. He has smartened up from the guy he was in school.

After Varun left, I smoked tons of cigarettes and thought a lot about Arun.

What does he think about me? What does he really? I wish some aspects of my life were working out. I wish life had not reached a point of being such a stalemate. If something were working out, I'd sure as hell feel more confident.

Now, I have to finish the assignment for Ashabari and do my yoga homework.

Somewhere along the way I also planned to send Q an apology message and ask him if I can join the play reading sessions again. I really miss his play readings. I feel inhibited to send him that message. Whenever I do that in the future, I hope I get a favourable response. 

I think i'll plan and type that message now. That'll get things rolling.

On Friday, during our meditation session during yoga class, we discussed Anitya (impermanence). I have been pondering on that myself for a while. Everything passes just like the water in a river and each moment of our lives.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa for being such loving and supportive parents.

I am grateful for Buro's sweet presence in my life.

I am grateful that Sadhya is so good and so smart.

I am grateful for Arun, his beautiful soul, and all that comes with him.

I am grateful that I'm joining Q's play readings again. I hope he views me favourably and forgives me.

I am grateful that I'm breaking the first wall.

I am grateful for this beautiful home.

I am grateful for the food I eat everyday.

I am grateful for all my friends.

I am grateful for my good night's rest.

I am grateful that I have a wish to quit cigarettes.

I am grateful for all the gifts God has bestowed on me.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for my beautiful heart.

I am grateful that Arun and I are still going strong.

I am grateful for my clothes.

I am grateful for all the people in my life.

I am grateful that I've been forgiven.

Love,

Me

3.30 pm

All but one for the routine

There are clothes, clothes everywhere,

Clothes and not a breadth for a hair,

All jumbled up and packed up

Like my emotions caught in a snare;

You say they are old, there isn't anything new

And I point to one that may doll me out of the blues

For a new beginning, just like the new me,

All but for one my clothes seek a release;

I know it's the same old stories, same old tales

Out of rigidity through smiles and wails;

There's something noble in the routine

Just like the clothes we wear chasing the greens.

-- Doel Sengupta

Hearing

I hear a lot of things 

And my ears are all filled up

But now I'll hear only sweet nothings 

From all around, down and up.

Journal 28.3.2024 9.00 pm

Dear Journal 

How time flies by?

I came home from yoga around 5 pm and it's four hours since then and I haven't sent Shivansh the mail and I haven't done my yoga homework. I have fallen into an inertia of lackadaisicality and I don't feel motivated to do anything else.

I bought sausages, salami and juice today. The thing is that I was hoping that Arun would come by today but he didn't.

He has a blister on one of his vocal cords. It must really hurt.

Yesterday, Nidhi called. Her involvement and dedication is truly inspiring.

I met Manish Singh yesterday. He is a director and he sent me a few of his videos yesterday out of which I liked one.

Today he shared a film of his to me. Sweet. Predictable but sweet.

I got really scared when Arun called and told me he has a blister. I imagined all sorts of evil forebodings. However, if he just gives up on alcohol and cigarettes he won't suffer from a blister there again.

Pushpaji is so nice. She is a really good teacher. I like her and Yogitaji a lot.

Today we learnt the exercise of reflection that I think I'll do everyday. I'll sit and do it now and send Shivansh the mail.

Arun said he will come tomorrow. I also called my yoga peeps home but I think I will have to cancel plans with them. I'll call them home some other day.

Arun has been unwell, and he hasn't been responding to my messages at all. I don't think I should message him.

In yoga they say that our success is determined by our motivation. I should keep that in mind. Motivation is everything in yoga for a healthy and happy life.

The house is all empty because Ma and Pa have gone for a detox camp.

Buro is always so angry these days. Of course I know I have upset him. I want Buro to heal emotionally from all his pains. I love him.

I hope tomorrow's yoga session goes well.

I'll sit and do reflection for 15 minutes now and go to sleep by 11.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa.

I am grateful for Buro and that he messaged today.

I am grateful for Sadhya and her smartness.

I am grateful for Arun and all that comes with him.

I am grateful for Nidhi and her dedication.

I am grateful for all the good doctors in my life.

I am grateful that I ate today.

I am grateful that yoga class was so enjoyable.

I am grateful for my beautiful body.

I am grateful for my beautiful heart.

I am grateful for Pushpaji's amazing session with us today.

I am grateful for all the friends in my life.

I am grateful for the amazing bath I had today.

I am grateful that Madhuri cleaned my room today.

I am grateful for this beautiful house.

I am grateful for Pepper.

I am grateful for all the beautiful techniques I'm learning in yoga class.

I am grateful for the money in my life.

I am grateful for my phone.

I am grateful for my journal and this blog.

I am grateful for the future.

I am grateful that I can hear the sounds of children playing downstairs.

I am grateful that Arun is being taken care of and is healing. 

I am grateful for fucidine.

I am grateful for this beautiful Universe.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for happiness.

I am grateful that I made my bed today.

I am grateful that soon cigarettes will be a thing of my past.

I am grateful for trees and plants.

I am grateful for water.

I am grateful for food.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for collagen building powder.

I am grateful for glutathione.

I am grateful for meditation.

I am grateful for pens and books and paper.

I am grateful for art and music.

I am grateful for a good night's sleep.

I am grateful for my world of dreams.

I am grateful that I breathe.

Love,

Me.

9.31 pm