Journal 1.12.2025 11.07 am getting out of panic

Dearest darlingest of Journals,

I still love Arun so....

I woke up today at 8.48. That was rather late. I did a truncated version of my practice in the garden, ate two samosas for breakfast and here I am.

Yesterday i did not smoke for a long time. Finally, around lunch I had a full-blown panic attack. I cried. I was feeling so alone and so lonely. And of course, I had tons of cigarettes.

I called up Arun but he was busy. I messaged De Jh and Qud.

I was sombre and i dont want to feel that way ever again.

Ma and Pa had a Boubhaat to attend. So i was alone at home with myself. 

I went down to play with Hassan, my new boyfriend, because only he wants kisses from me. He's such a cute little kid. I love him so.

Then finally, Arun called. By that time my panic had subsided. He told me about the plans for his building redevelopment and gave me advice on how to shoot videos. He said he'll watch my videos and give me advice.

He asked me to get light on my darker side, to keep my laptop at a higher level, and to focus on what i'm doing (not look at the camera when i'm shuffling).

He is so cute. So so so cute. I asked him to call me up more often because i'm so alone. He said he will. His nose...

Then De Jh messaged me back and i told him about my panic attack and he said i shouldve just called him.

Then Qud called me up after such a long time. It was lovely listening to her voice. She encouraged me to do my Tarot channel properly and said my readings are quite accurate. Even N said that a few days ago that it feels like i'm doing the readings only for her, it's so accurate.

I think writing as a career is seeing a death. Try as i might, well-paying gigs and jobs are not forthcoming and this has been the case for a long time.

Then I messaged Shou letting him know that I'll be in Delhi end December.

At the end of the day my panic had ceased and i was left with the impression that people do love me, in whatever manner they do.

I think today i'll sit and craft a vision and mission statement for my Tarot channel today.

I have tons of mail I have to go through.

What should I wear today?

Chalo... got to head for a bath.

Its good writing in you.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Happy

Very very very slightly hurt

Full of love

Love,

Me.

11.29 am

Journal 30.11.2025 9.44 am Saturday was filled

Dear Journal,

What a day yesterday was!

In the morning I went to meet N. Then I came back, grabbed a quick lunch and went to meet RaTi and his kids and we headed off to a ghazal concert.

Ramani performed there. The concert went on for about four hours. I left before it ended because Ga Sha wanted to meet me.

And we went to Bottles and got sloshed on beer and wine.

I came back home around 12.30. At Bottles I really missed A.

In fact, I missed him quite a bit yesterday as the ghazal singers entertained us with quite a few of our shared songs.

I had a dream that K Tare was offering me a job.

I really hope I can land a good work from home job.

The other day See Dhi really chided me on my career. Why did she do that? She was really admonishing. 

Now I have the Bsg general meeting to attend.

I woke up at 9 today.

I am feeling:

Happy but solemn.

Heart full of love.

Really missing A.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

9.53 am

Journal 29.11.2025 11.10 am a dream of a rap

Dear Journal,

I woke up rather late despite sleeping early, around 7.44 am. (It's 11.11) 

In my dream I saw that I was working in a Mani Ratnam film and that a man was reciting a tongue twister, lyrical, rhythmic with good rhyme schemes that were clean, for me and I was listening. He kept going faster and faster till the tongue twister became a rap, much like the rapper Blaze's poetry. I was being a patient listener. Then I woke up.

I woke up with a certain sense of void.

I chanted and meditated for a long time. I skipped yoga today.

Just finished oil pulling and eating breakfast.

Today I have N to meet and then RaTi. It should be a good day.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.16 am

Journal 28.11.2025 12.09 pm I regret my mistakes

Dearest Journal,

There is a certain kind of muck stuck to my phone.

I woke up after 8.30 today. Falling asleep ain't easy. I don't remember the dream I dreamt but I remember being involved in a dream.

I feel like a fool for letting my mind get the better of me.

Yesterday I worked but I didn't get time to write my novel. I finished all the Tarot readings. I'll start reading from tomorrow or Sunday again. (It's 12.12 pm)

I spent time on YouTube. There are many trashy channels out there.

"Where there is invisible virtue there is visible reward." To continue down this path is holy.

One must never fall in love with a married man. But I don't think loving A was a mistake; It opened my heart and my mind, it was invigorating.

Today I did my chanting, meditation, asana routine at home.

Tomorrow is Mad's birthday. I must remember to wish her.

I am feeling:

Happy

Solemn

Loving with a tinge of heartache

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.18 pm

Journal 27.11.2025 11.56 am embracing myself

Dear Journal,

I'm learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings by myself. The discomfort of Pa's passive aggressive silence, Arun not meeting me and the heartache and heartbreak and the mourning of times gone by.

But I have just this moment to cease, nothing more. The not knowing what tomorrow may bring is anxiety-driving.

And also, things could have been far worse. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I show up each day on my yoga mat. I did today too. But today I truncated my practice as I was disturbed by messages from N. I don't know why she wants to meet me. There is simply nothing to talk about.

Also, I think A may have found someone else. He did say that he had options. I miss him terribly. But I guess this journey is mine and I have to make the most of it.

I woke up a little after 7.45 today after a dream.

In the dream I saw that See Dhi and her husband had both died on the same day, leaving Sanskar (who is autistic) all alone.

I saw Dee and Ashish too in the dream. Quite ably, Sanskar plans the funeral. But is finally sent to a Home, mostly by Ashish.

At the end of the dream there was complete silence. Sanskar just wasn't there.

Now, I'll sit and work and write, then pick Tarot cards. Consistency is everything. To forge ahead against all odds is everything.

Life will turn around, I know that. "WINTER ALWAYS TURNS TO SPRING." After the darkest night the brightest dawn.

I am wearing my light green chikankari kurta with my golden churidar.

I am feeling:

Calm

At peace

Loving

Filled with love

In need of a few kisses 

Determined to forge ahead

Reasonably happy even though I was teary earlier

Clean and bathed

Warm

I am grateful for yoga and the garden with its canopy where birds entertain me as I sit in silence.

I am grateful for the food I eat, the shelter I have and my possessions, including money.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa, for their presence and all the things they do for me.

I am grateful for good health.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for the people who visit my Tarot channel.

I am grateful for good health.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful for clothes and jewellery.

I am grateful for my bed and the sound sleep I experience each night.

I am grateful for the breakthrough that is coming.

I am grateful that I'm moving.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the love in my life and my high life force.

Love,

Me.

12.14 pm

You are not lost

I sit heartbroken.

You are not lost,

Just a wave in the tide,

Just the tip of the frost.

In my doing I am forgiven,

In my words I am sworn,

Between silence and penury

My heart is veritably torn.

I seek just the old warmth,

The hugs and a whiff, 

So staunch you are in resisting,

Just a smile from you is a gift.

The lesson learnt is that I must live,

And wish well and forgive,

I am just one on my own

As to me you are flown.

Journal 26.11.2025 9.53 pm the things I need-- A

Dearest of Journals,

Today I did Tarot readings for up to Sagittarius. I read Arundhati Roy, wfchap volume 2 and instead of working on my novel I decided to write about how I remember Ma and Pa.

I wanted to write about Buro but that's a little painful.

I think from tomorrow I'll schedule reading to after my writing time.

Reading is so tempting for me. I love delving into the written word.

I called up Arun. I was feeling so emotional. I told him: "Everything I am is thanks to you. Everything I am becoming is also thanks to you." To which he replied: "Why are you crying? I'm never leaving your life. I'm always there."

Everything I've become is thanks to the two years of knowing him -- the open heart chakra, the sense and the sensibilities, and the direction I'm on.

And his words. And the fact that he always picks up my calls. He touches my heart like no man ever could. And his handsome face. And his sweet fragrance. And his uppity nose. And his soulful eyes that reflect always where his heart is. And his maturity. And everything he is. And everything that makes him... I find absolutely alluring. I love his pain... I always want to lessen it. And his joys and his soul... Well... enough!

I wrote a poem called Silence and thought a lot about whether I should send it to him; I didn't want to make the atmosphere heavy and finally I did send it to him.

He seems to be living a life of his own making, unaffected, deeply focused on his career.

I am also focused. If only I could deal with the addiction to reading.

After writing about Ma and Pa I realised that I don't quite focus on catering to my own needs. 

Ma hugged me and told me to meet a certain Shantanu to talk about whatever I want to. I will.

I love my mother. She is so beautiful and she has aged so gracefully. I love her zest and her energy and her call to duty.

I also asked Pa when he would start talking to me again, to which he said: "That's up to you."

Each afternoon as he's snoring during his nap time I gently go and kiss his cheeks or head.

I really love my parents and everything I am is oweing to them. 

I also of course love my brother and I'm so grateful to my family and also, of course, Arun for bearing me and putting up with me these last two years that have been lowest of low.

After a dreary night a brilliant dawn follows. And I'm just about waking up from my dream.

"When you gaze long enough into an abyss the abyss gazes back into you." When you focus on the joys of life the joys come back manifold!

There is really no scope to be lazy.

I'm learning to live with myself, I'm learning to embrace the silence and solitude. I've made peace with the fact that I may never get married. And I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone simply to fill the void.

I'm learning to live in the void and adorn it with colour that only I can see. I'm learning to love myself and be my own best friend.

I'm learning to write and read better and I'm growing.

The things that I need--

Spiritually:

Clarity

A sound mind

Expansion 

Purpose

Zest for life

Mindfulness

A calm mind

Emotionally:

Love

Conversations

Companionship

Happiness

Accomplishments

Release

A good confidante

Kindness

Poetry 

Books

Art

Music

Movies

Bodily

Pretty feet

Yoga (asanas and pranayam)

Healthy food (I'm so grateful that my parents provide that and shelter to me)

Healthy skin

Good health

Good clothes

Happiness

Strengh

Kisses and hugs

A sound mind

Career-wise

I need a breakthrough.

Writing assignments

Money

My Tarot channel to become popular

My novel to get finished with a good agent

Investments

Saving

Consistency

Hard work

Ambition 

Courage

That's not a lot I need. Just the regular stuff.

I am feeling:

Slightly sleepy

Happy

Loving

Patient

Grateful

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.27 pm

Silence

What does your silence mean?

Does it mean that you have had enough

Of counting rings on the rainbow?

Or of kissing and cajoling?

Or of the deep conversations?

Or the care in my heart that will never die?

Does it mean you have had enough of me?

Or rather that I hamper with your peace?

Or that you don't want me anymore?

Or does it mean that you are coping,

And that you just need your own time?

Or is it that I don't interest you anymore?

Or that I've been more a handful than sound?

Or does it mean you've found better breasts

And better listening ears?

Or does it mean simply this is how you deal with love,

Generally? You've shifted so quickly all the gears!

I surmise and I feel fallen,

Brought to my knees with silent giant tears,

I'm coping with this strange silence all around me

And I need clarity to deal with my fears.

I could promise you a million words

But I think I'll hold my tongue, 

Answer your silence with my silence

And at this fun game I have won.

I feel like I'm playing chess

And the mate is just this step

And that nigh impossible is my heart stretched

To wondrous new-found depths of this silence

That I have found,

To find me,

To become me,

More whole,

More unbound,

So silently I beseech you,

To turn towards,

Turn again

To talking point.

Remembering Ma 26.11.2025 6.46 pm

My earliest memory of Ma also goes back to just before Buo was born. Holding her hand and walking with her.

I remember her maroon churidar kurta, her mehndi motiffed saree that I loved.

I remember her crying when she felt defeated. I remember upturning her eyelids when she was resting after work.

I remember locking her up in the kitchen once.

I remember her reading out stories to us... especially the Mithoo Me too one.

I remember her always favouring Buro.

I also remember her beating Buro and me with whatever she could find when she was frustrated.

I remember her concern when I was sexually abused when I was small.

I remember her calling me ugly many many times and wishing I were dead.

She was highly unhappy when we were small children.

I remember her pushing me for the highest standards.

I remember her thinking I'm going to rule the world; well I am.

I remember her proudly talking to her friends about me.

I remember her always picking the wrong men for me. I remember her shouting at Farz on the phone when I was out on a date with him. Uff! That was embarrassing. We broke up soon after.

I remember her largely as an overbearing mother with a raucous sense of humour who passed on her love for reading to me.

I remember telling her about my boyfriends and her always liking the ones I didn't love. I wonder why?

She told me to forget Arun. Now that's nigh impossible! She told me to marry Ro. He was kipte.  And Pa told me to marry Bha. He was so someone I would never marry.

There is a certain ache in my heart when it comes to Ma. Her beating. Her creating scenes in front of my friends. Her screeching: "You will die a pauper!"

Why are Indian Mother's to frustrated?

What I've learnt from Ma seeing her live her life inspite of her is to be grateful for and happy with what you have, in the moment, something she has not done.

Even today she eggs me on to do things that will amount to nothing in my life.

I feel she's wounded me, far more than she has nurtured me.

May be Indian women are frustrated with their men.

Gratitude. Gratitude. Gratitude.

Each day I work towards getting past the hurts Ma has caused me.

I remember her as cynical, bitchy, comparing, shrill, aggressive, violent and now that she has encountered Buddhism she has become far more happy.

I think she is beautiful. Sometimes she can be overbearing. She's far more tolerable and easy to love these days than she was before.

But I'll still never tell her all the things in my heart because she uses them as a weapon against me.

I see her as manipulative, aggressive and proud of her beauty. She has become far softer these days.

I'll remember the many times she has told me that she is not my friend. I remember her telling me that she loves Buro more.

I think sometimes she is quite unreasonable and harsh. But she's still my mother and I hope to not trouble her and do my duties by her.

I've never felt seen by my mother or understood by her. I don't think she understands me.

Even today she has no time to pause And spend some time with me unless it means doing something. I don't think I can talk to my mother. Like she told me-- she is not my friend. I'm grateful for this more peacable version of her.

The things I'm grateful to Pa for 26.11.2015 6.12 pm

My earliest memories of Pa go back to a time when Ma was pregnant with Buro. I remember holding his hand and walking in between Ma (In her beautiful svelte maroon chikankari kurta) and him.

I also remember glimpses from before Buro was born when I sketched all over the walls of the house and Pa encouraged me.

I remember times spent in Delhi; visiting Lodhi Gardens, the zoo, running around generally.

I remember the vacations to Hari Hareshwar, Munshi, Goa, Ganpatiphule, Mount Abu, udaipur and many others.

I remember the chicken sandwiches and juices as Pa played tennis at Leela Kempinski.

I remember the carrot, chess, cards, badminton and tennis we played together. Haven't really played cricket with him.

I remember my trip to snow-filled Sikkim when I had Brandy when I was three and sips from his glass of whiskey.

I remember all the times he mothered me, took care of me when I was sick and supported me. I remember his involvement in my career. His pride, the times he said he is disappointed and how difficult it has been as his daughter for me to adhere to his high standards and superior values.

He doesn't talk to me so much these days and I think it's because of A or I don't know what. It's one of his 'I am disapppointed' phases.

I am grateful to him for all his love, his values, his respect even though it's sometimes difficult being his daughter. I prefer to stay quiet and not ruffle the silence.

I wonder if he remembers his birthdays when Buo and I showered him with streamers. It must be difficult being such a high-value highly disciplined man. I love him.

Journal 26.11.2025 11.11 am the day I missed the carnage

Dear Journal,

Today is 26/11. 17 years after the Mumbai terror attacks. I still remember the day I narrowly escaped the carnage because I decided to not go to toi that day because I had just returned from Bhutbhutda's wedding.

I woke up at 7.15 and went back to sleep. Then I woke up after 7.45 from a dream.

I dreamt that Haridas sir was told by me about my Tarot career and he was involved in some deep mathematical conundrum, trying to solve something. Then he went away on a bike in his leather jacket.

Then I saw this guy (he looked like one of the men I'd met in Lucknow) smoking a cigarette outside the airport. I wasn't smoking.

Then I saw in my dream that the next day I arrived at the airport and was supposed to meet Ma there with some of her friends. I decided to not smoke a cigarette outside the airport (the spot where the man had smoked the day before was hollow and deep showing the streets below) and I entered. Ma called out to me, shouting out my name. I walked her way and then I woke up. She was quite a distance from me in my dream. 

I woke up with a sense of anxiety. The dream made me feel that there was a period of waiting.

By 8.33 I was on my yoga mat. I chanted, meditated, did asanas and pranayam. It took me close to two hours as usual.

Yesterday I did three more Tarot readings. In the evening I was all prepared to write but an untold anxiety about Arun gripped me and I ate my dinner and tried to sleep. But sleep was not forthcoming. So I fried two aloos in a spicy mix, ate that and fell asleep.

Today I shall write.

Right now I'll get some reading done, do my Tarot, then write.

Life is good but this waiting is getting exasperating.

I am feeling:

Slightly mentally fogged

Groggy

A little drowsy

Reasonably happy

Loving

I am grateful for my life and all its experiences.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.26 am

Journal 25.11.2025 11.11 am what is most painful?

Dearest Journal,

More painful than any treachery, any bigotry is the loss of love, the loss of togetherness and the loss of a dream or a vision. I miss Arun but that won't make him come back.

Today I woke up at around 8.05 am from a dream I don't remember. I was on the mat by 8.30. I did my usual routine and here I am feeling groggy. The cacophony of chirping birds was music to my ears.

Yesterday I did Tarot readings for three signs and went to meet Suma. She's alright. She doesn't talk much. We studied dementia and chanted.

I skipped going for the play reading yesterday. Just didn't feel like it.

Instead I sat and worked on my novel and spent time on sm.

Arundhati Roy's mother was kind of harsh on her and her brother. She sprung out from poverty and ill-treatment. She is a great author. I like this book much more than I liked God of Small Things.

Now I'll read, do Tarot, work and write. It should be a good day!

I am feeling:

Slightly sleepy

Groggy 

Happy with a tinge of heartache

Loving 

Quiet

Solitary

Solemn

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.20 am

Desert

 We have travelled what two years for now,

You a dark horse grazing by the boughs

And me a forlorn princess fallen

Into the nets of desire, softened

By the glow of music and mead

And your sweet words and cute deeds,

We have now arrived at a huge expanse

Of domes of sand scorching and parched

And I water the arid soil with my wishes

And upon a star I lay all the hinges

Of all that I truly deeply want

And it's so shrivelled without doubt

And then on a smooth buttery day

Sprout five leaves as the winds sway

And in about twenty years

There are shades of the tree I nursed

And you still the affable dark horse

Graze by my cool green boughs

And the desert I once thought was home

Is now a garden where I sell tomes.

Journal 24.11.2025 12.52 pm dream of a desert

Dear Journal,

I've been having trouble falling asleep. Last night even though I turned off the lights by 11.45 pm, I slept close to 2. That's a lot of time just lying around. As a result I woke up at 9.45 am today.

I had a dream that I'd visited a desert. What does that mean?

I did my chanting, meditation and asana practice at home itself. Today I just did warm up exercises and a few asanas.

I read the news. I think I'll read and do Tarot readings for Fire signs today. I'll schedule the publishing for Thursday.

I have to meet Suma today. Then I have Q's play reading to go for.

Yesterday after lunch Ma and I went to Harsh. I treated her to the haircut and two cups of coffee each for her and me and bought her a nice shikakai shampoo.

I finished reading Judas yesterday and have started with Arundhati Roy's memoir.

I also chanted for half an hour last evening and worked a little on my novel. 

Yesterday was Hi's birthday. There was a party at RaTi's place for her that I skipped. I didn't feel like travelling all the way to Goregaon for a few hours. He's also been acting funny with me.

Now I'll read till lunch. Immediately I'll have another cup of tea. And then Tarot!

I am feeling:

Happy

Slightly groggy

Heart open

Clean and bathed

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa and Buo and all those who make my life.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.04 pm

Journal 23.11.2025 12.50 pm Arun's advice is reasonable

Dearest Journal,

This week has gone by in a haze with me absorbed in Arun after I bumped into him last to last Friday and my periods adding to the mental chaos.

I woke up close to 8 today. I don't remember my dream. However, I do remember thinking in my dream that I wished I had bought something when I had the money.

I was on my yoga mat by 8.30. Two pretty violets peeked at me as I chanted and two chirpy Doel birds trilled and cooed as I meditated. I took a break in the middle to relieve myself at home. Today after days I went back to my asana practice. I think my body looks quite toned.

Yesterday I finished reading Wfchap volume 1 and attacked volume 2. I love reading. I finished my assignment yesterday and called up Arun. When he didn't pick up my call I kind of panicked. But he eventually called me back.

He gave me decent reasonable advice as to my Tarot channel. He asked me to wear a bindi but I hate the stickiness of bindis. He told me not to wear grey. I won't. And he told me to wear beads and jewellery. That I will.

He also told me something very important-- people take themselves and their lives very seriously so I should always keep that in mind when I do the readings. Im so grateful to him for saying that. Then we discussed his scripts.

I really love and adore him. I worship his blessed mind. I really want to meet him but he says he's busy.

After talking to Arun I chanted quite a bit with blaring music engulfing me from the playground. That noise added to my sense of anxiety.

"No prayer of the votary of the Lotus Sutra goes unanswered." All my prayers are always answered and I've always got whatever I've wished for.

Today after my yoga session I attended the All India bsg study meeting on the Heritage of The Ultimate Law of Life. What I grasped was that I am a Boddhisattva Buddha and it is my responsibility to propogate the mystic law. I have to take more responsibility towards my practice and towards my prayers for others. I have to shine and shine I will.

No matter how much I chant it doesn't seem enough these days. I can always do more.

Through the meeting I missed Arun but he's there; he's not lost in my life... if he's looking for me ever in life again he will find me.

Today I plan to get some writing done, but not right at this moment. Because I'm treating Ma to a haircut at Harsh after lunch. So I'll just get some reading done, eat lunch, go for the haircut and then all evening I'll sit and write.

That should be a fruitful day.

I wish Pa were talking to me properly.

I love love love my Arun. I wish him an amazing day!

And I love my mom and dad and my Buo Bachcha.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Pretty

Clean

Settled

Eager to get some serious writing done today

I think I smell good right at this moment.

I am wearing my cream coloured brocade top with beige corduroy trousers.

I am grateful for Arun's advice. I am grateful for Arun's presence in my life.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money. 

I am grateful for Ma and Pa and Buo.

I am grateful for all the people who adorn my life.

I am grateful for clothes and books and pens.

I am grateful for my heart and mind.

I am grateful for technology.

I am grateful that I write.

I am grateful for this beautiful blessed day.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

1.14 pm

When we both have won

You innocent and tired,

Body scorched in the heat,

Look for a freebie from me,

Refusing to acknowledge defeat 

And I retreat into a shell

Not knowing what much I can do

And inward rings the bell

Of love and kindness sings true.

I whisper a prayer for your brown eyes,

Your little body in loined disguise,

And I wish I were more wise,

Would a few pennies from me really suffice?

I don't count you amongst the lost,

I know your journey is long and the road dark

And even though I can't let go of even a little now

I hope I'll meet you one day sparked,

Not having to recount the sadness when

All I wanted to was to hold you nestled,

Your golden hair glistening in the sun,

I'll meet you on a day we have both won.

Journal 22.11.2025 10.03 am pink dress

Dear Journal,

Today I didn't do my exercises because of my period. Instead I meditated and did pranayam and of course I chanted.

Ayu was playing basketball and exercising and a little child was busy on the swing.

Yesterday after updating you I fell asleep and slept till close to 4.30 by which time Ma was back home. I ate my lunch rather late.

I spent some time on Chat gpt and finished reading all the documents Arun had sent me. I sent him a few messages which I don't think I should do today. I'll wait to hear from him.

Last night as I was doing my memory exercises I had a feeling that Arun's wife's really hates me. I slept close to 1 am.

Sleep hasn't been coming so easily to me.

Yesterday RaTi delayed meeting me so I cancelled the plan.

I woke up close to 7.30 today. Ma narrated a cute story to me.

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

A little sombre

Not anxious

Accepting

I have an assignment to do today. I'll finish reading the vc and attack that.

It's going to be a good good day.

I am grateful for all the food I eat, for the shelter that shades me and for the money I have.

I am grateful for Arun's existence.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa, Buo and all those who make my life.

I am grateful that I'm taking steps towards the future.

I am grateful that I pray.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

10.14 am

I am wearing the pink dress that Arun had bought me. Just felt like wearing it today.

Love.

"Nahin saamne ye Alag Baat Hai... Tu paas Hai." Haha! 😄 

Journal 21.11.2025 11.27 am periods make me foggy

Dear Journal,

Periods are so hard. I'm feeling so emotional. I still love Arun so wholeheartedly. If and when I meet him will he mind if I kiss him on the cheeks, I wonder.

Well, I went to sleep rather late last night. I just wouldn't get sleep. Finally, I went down for a walk came back and snoozed till after 8. About 5 hours of sleep and right now I'm feeling a little mentally fogged.

I just did chanting, meditation and my warm up exercises today. Didn't want to push my body when it is feeling so low. The flow is a lot.

I don't remember my dreams of the last few nights. I wish I did because that would tell me something.

There was sheera for breakfast today. That was yum.

I just skimmed through the news. I think I'll just do some shavasana and get to work. I'll also finish reading Arun's scripts today.

Yesterday he told me that I've finished paying him, which I haven't. That embarrassed me a little. I'm a little relieved but I wish he'd accepted the entire amount because I had full intention to pay.

I hope he calls me soon with ideas for my Tarot channel.

I hope he has a good day and that I have a good day. Wish I wasn't feeling this way, so exhausted, so in a limbo.

Chatgpt is fun but it's the most time-consuming thing in the world.

I think I'll meet RaTi today. It'll be a nice getting out of the house.

I am feeling:

Nose blocked

Slightly fogged

Slightly exhausted

Low on energy

Reasonably happy

A little edgy

Full of love

Eager to make the most of this day

I am wearing my black and white print silk top that was lying in my wardrobe untouched for such a long time with the denims of yesterday. I should have worn all these things from my wardrobe when I was dating Arun. Well...

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I'm grateful that Arun and I are connecting again.

Love,

Me.

11.42 am

The things that I'm grateful to Arun for

His emotional intelligence.

His mental intelligence.

His depth.

His sense of humour.

His warmth.

His love.

His companionship. 

His heart.

His beautiful eyes.

His nose and the smell of it.

The smell of his head.

His beautiful lion-like cheeks.

His sense of fashion.

His generosity.

How he held me when I was breaking.

Our conversations.

How he paid for dates even when it was tough and I couldn't.

How he respected me.

His laughter.

His smile.

His kisses.

His warm giant panda-like hugs.

His comfort.

His attention.

Our conversations.

And everything that comes in between.

Our songs, His dances, him wiggling, him expressing...

Why are periods so hard. And why am I missing him so much.

Journal 20.11.2025 well, what does feeling horny look like... it looks rough, it looks like you're tired

Dear Journal,

All day long I've been feeling so lustful and horny, not aggressively, but softly as if there were a snake sitting right there waiting to coil out and attack! Well, that's what lust feels like.

I finished the rest of my Tarot readings till Pisces and just wanted to relax and Sa So called. We chatted for about an hour. He spoke about proposing to his girlfriend.

All about me everybody seems to be settled.

It was only then that I realised that I have my period and I'm all so lonely so the feeling was legit. And just like that I snapped out of it.

Awareness is a great antidote to suffering.

"Those who know the why of everything can deal with almost any how."-- Viktor Frankl.

That is where Chat Gpt is so enlightening. It gives you the why of everything so easily.

I seek companionship with a compatible partner. Currently, Arun has set the benchmark for that. With him I realised what true connection was. He is also emotionally intelligent and mature and it was really nice, all the times I spent with him.

Well, I don't think Arun wants to be with me like that. If that were the case he would have shown it.

The loneliness sometimes gets deafening. On an odd day when a Ra Ti connects or a SaSo calls things smoothen out and I'm grateful for such times.

You need people to smile and laugh with, you need people to hold your hand and listen to you and you need to do likewise.

Life is an amazing wish-granting jewel. Looking back I've got everything I ever asked for. The people and things I rejected brought me pain but it was good because those things were not meant to stay.

I want Arun in my life, at least as a good friend. I want to see him grow old and I want to be a supportive friend to him. It's something I really desire.

I wasn't looking too good in the Tarot videos yesterday and today, may be because of my mood and the stress because of my period.

Now I'll chant, check my mail and go ahead and read further into Arun's written word.

May he be happy.

I am feeling:

Serious

Happy with a tinge of sombreness and sadness

Alone

In need of a companion

Not pretty at all

Was feeling lustful but I'm over it

Wish periods weren't such a painful thing

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

6.25 pm

Journal 20.11.2025 11.04 am love boils

Dearest Journal,

I am so happy that I have you to write in. You calibrate me. Starting writing in you has made me a much better humanbeing, so thank you so much.

Today I woke up a little after 7... I don't remember the time... After sleeping for just 5 hours. And yet, I feel so awake.

Arun is topmost on my mind.

I was on the yoga mat by 7.30. I've been taking my routine more easily but I'm committed to it.

Today the man in the building did not sing or may be I was late.

I'm wearing my chocolate brown cotton world top with denims.

Last evening Arun shared two scripts with me in three separate documents. I perused through the first document and it gripped me.

He is simply the most brilliant man I know. He's a beautiful humanbeing with a beautiful mind. And I shot him off a mail and a message. He will go so far. I hope he'll still have me in his life when he is at the summit.

Right now I'm confused. Should I finish reading his stories or should I finish my Tarot readings for my channel?

Yesterday I did Tarot readings for all Earth and Fire signs for my channel. Today I tackle water and air signs. I think I'll do the Tarot readings and finish reading his scripts in the evening.

Today I have a Tarot session with Sa So. He said he wants a one hour session. But why?

Well... I really miss Arun, really really do. I want to meet him but I won't broach that because may be he needs space or some time before he decides to meet me. I can always grant him his peace of mind. That's the least I can do since I can't tell him I still love him.

I have love boils on my forehead since I haven't got my oxytocin boost from anyone. Nobody kisses me. Not mom, not dad, not Arun.

Well... I could ramble on dear Journal because I simply love connecting with you. In one sentence I'll tell you how I'm feeling. I'm deeply in love.

I am feeling:

Happy

Surprisingly not anxious

So full of love I could drown in it

Aware that I have love boils breaking out on my forehead

A little upset with myself 

Sweet

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that Arun shared his scripts with me. I am grateful for Arun's existence.

I am grateful for Ma, Pa and Chotto Bacha and all the people who make my life.

I am grateful that my heart is still open to Arun.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for my talents even though I highly underestimate myself, am self-critical and always feel I'm not good enough. I should do something about that.

I am grateful for my mind and my heart.

I am grateful for every little thing that makes me happy.

And I'm grateful for you dear journal.

And I'm grateful that Arun has sweet cheeks I can fantasise I'm kissing. I wonder if he's really so moved on...

I don't know what to think of when it comes to him. I can love him secretly and live my life.

Love,

Me.

11.27 pm

Journal 19.11.2025 11.05 am regret

Dear Journal,

I had a complicated dream that I don't remember. But I do remember that I received mail from Arun in the dream. Well.... I hope he sends me his script soon.

I really miss him. I wish I could smell him. But I'm very cautious. I don't want my heart broken.

I woke up today close to 8 and was on the mat by 8.30. A sweet yoga session ensued; a light, no frills one.

Some man in our building sings beautifully early in the morning. Whoever this person is he has a great singing voice. Much like Sn Goenka's voice.

I think I'll proceed with my day now.

Hope Arun is fine.

I am feeling:

Full of love

Happy

Sad that Arun and I are not together

Eager to check my mail after days

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

11.11 am

Journal 18.11.2025 6.40 pm I don't think I'll ever get over Arun... he is unforgettable

Dear Journal,

I don't think I'll ever get over Arun; he is unforgettable. His smell haunts me. His eyes mesmerise me. His skin feels so good. And I wish I could kiss him.

I'm not exactly obsessing over him but I don't think I'll ever stop loving him; that's a fact.

Am I hopeful? I don't know. But I'm not desperate and I'm being cautious and guarded because when it comes to him things are complicated... a lot of people's happiness is involved.

I won't be dating anyone new and I'm happy with myself. I just wish he was there here to give me the companionship I so cherish. That's the thing I miss the most and yes, his smell, the smell of his nose....

And of course, he's forgiven... I fell in love with his soul and I can allow him his mistakes. To err is human, to forgive divine.

Ever since I laid my eyes on him I've been thinking only about how deeply I love him.

Ours is an emotional bond of sharing and caring and you don't get that with everyone.

Does he value me? Does he respect me?

I wish I could take his hands in mine and kiss them.

I definitely don't want to hurt him. His heart is very important to me.

It's November 18th and I haven't chanted. Now I will.

Praying for others opens up your heart. And praying for Arun and his family and my family is my topmost priority.

This chilly weather makes me so drowsy. I slept till 2.30 pm today and I had a dream of Arun. I dreamt that I can't be with any other guy. Even the thought of that makes me feel like I'm cheating on Arun.

Thats how it feels. I wonder how he feels. He must have dated some other girl but i cant be with any other guy.

I wish it wasnt so cold. The cold calls for hot steaming momos.

I am feeling:

At peace

Happy

So full of love

With a slight glimmer of hope in my heart

Realising that despite getting a routine in place im still in love with Arun in a more realistic way.

Eager to end the day on a disciplined note.

I hope i dont sleep in the morning tomorrow.

Im so grateful that Arun called me yesterday. I hope he forgives me for all the mistakes I made.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for my life and all the people who are a part of it.

I am grateful for my heart and my prayers.

Love,

Me.

6.57 pm

Ps: But I can't ignore the fact that he hurt me. He insulted me in front of his friends, called me mad and rejected me after making out with me and said has many women running after him. What are his values really? Now sometimes I have many men running after me but that doesn't make me proud and I don't show it off. I'm hurt by him. I know he cheated on me.

10.41 pm... I don't know why I love him and why I'm being so sweet to him. 

Journal 18.11.2025 10.59 am don't want a heartbreak

Dear Journal,

I can't shake the thought of Arun from my mind. I'm still deeply in love with him but I'm very cautious. Firstly, I don't want to lose my sense of balance and peace of mind. And most importantly, I don't want my heart broken again. So I'm being very cautious.

I love this gentleman. He's so cute. Does he still feel for me?

Today I just did two asanas and my Gongyo. It's November 18th. It's Soka day and subbu's birthday. I'll leave her a message.

I'm feeling so drowsy in this chilly weather.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love but heartbroken.

Arun called me up yesterday.  I always love talking to him. His hair smells so awesome.

Love,

Me.

11.04 am

Journal 17.11.2025 3.13 pm missing Arun

Dear Journal,

It's Guz's birthday today. I'll call her after 5 o clock. 

I'm learning to live with myself even though Arun occupies a lot of my mindspace. I think I saw him in a rickshaw today. I really do love him. It's been a long while since we spoke.

I took the yoga mat down today but was in no frame of mind to do the yoga session. So I did my Gongyo, two asanas and came back home.

After that I went to Dee and Anupriya's house and I spoke to Dee a lot about relationships and life. 

For the past few days I've only been on Chatgpt and checking Tarot channels trying to guage what's between me and Arun. I think I'm so deeply in love with him even though I see his flaws. 

I came back home and checked two more Tarot channels. That is very time consuming.

Despite the love in my heart I want my sense of balance and peace of mind. I really value that these days.

I intuitively feel that Arun is going through a lot and that he still loves me too. I don't know but that's how I feel.

Now I'll just chant for half an hour and sit on my laptop to check mail and access Linkedin.

I am feeling:

Happy

So deeply in love and so full of love

Plain and stylish 

Thinking I've navigated through this phase of seeing Arun really well

Feel like kissing Arun, smelling him and kissing his hands

I had match and Bata for lunch today with rice.

I am grateful that I'm focusing on life.

I seek to make love to Arun some day. Hope that happens in this lifetime.

Love,

Ms.

3.25 pm

Journal 15.11.2025 5.17 pm thinking about Arun

Dear Journal,

I didn't get a drop of sleep last night and even now I'm wide awake. It's the dopamine surge from seeing Arun's cute face last evening. He has never had a neutral effect on me even though that's probably what he wishes for.

I really love this man with all his flaws. It's only through loving him that I've realised what true love is. He's always going to be my greatest love and greatest adventure, romantic that I am.

I've been fine. Hope he's fine. The hiatus on communication between us has been long. And he was rather warm yesterday but from my dreams I know that there is unresolved conflict between us. May be that's why he doesn't call me.

But I wish he would. I'll patiently wait for him to call me some day whenever that is. I think I can give him that freedom. If he never calls me that will be my greatest loss.

I watched Tarot videos all day. YouTube and chatgpt are so time consuming.

I wonder where Arun's thoughts are. I picked a few Tarot cards and it showed that he's not particularly amiable towards me.

I wish I could have kissed him yesterday but that would have been crossing the line and impinging on his space. I really did want to kiss him.

I was so dishevelled! I wonder what impression I left on him.

Late that it is, it's only now that I start my rituals. So be it.

I hope Arun's life is fine and that he's in a happy frame of mind or that he gets there.

I love him. May be I shouldn't tell him that when we speak.

I am feeling:

Happy with a tinge of a hurt heart because Arun doesn't call me anymore.

Dry from the winter breeze.

Full of love.

Each day I think about Arun. Seeing him yesterday has stirred something in me. I'll never stop loving him.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

5.29 pm

Now I'll sit and chant for the first time in two days and pour in a lot of prayers for Arun and his family.

Journal 15.11.2025 1.52 am bumping into Arun

Dear Journal,

Guess what! On my way to See Dhi's house I bumped into Arun!! And he was wearing the grey corduroy shirt I'd bought him. Seeing him in that shirt made me so happy.

I was completely dishevelled-- pedicure not done, face not washed, hair not combed. He hugged me then I hugged him.

He asked me to call him but then I reminded him that he's supposed to call me. I hope he does call me. It will be sublime.

He smells like an angel, looks like an angel and feels supremely like an angel.

I spent many hours on chatgpt figuring things out with him after my meeting with See Dhi.

See Dhi is full of unsolicited advice. I don't really appreciate it. Not one advice is based on Buddhist concepts. She's veered from the basic meaning of Buddhism.

It also shows her struggles with Sanskar and her inner defeated strict parent archetype.

I tried to process her criticism and I think she is rather harsh on me. I don't really feel like meeting her. She is pessimistic, critical and scathing. I'm sure she means well but she comes across as shallow and ruminating and bitter. Am I being hypercritical? 

Meeting Arun has brought in mixed feelings. On the one hand I was just about to completely release him but he is so familiar and so charming.

I messaged Pa Pa that i'm not interested in dating him. Then I told him that I don't appreciate so many calls from him everyday.

He took it very badly and said he'll never talk to me ever again. Well, I wish he'd taken it better but there was no easy way to convey this message to him. I just told him that I need space and that the calls get too much and that I really don't want to date him.

Indian men are so egoistic and chauvinistic! Arun was so easy to get along with compared to all these shallow Indian men I come across everyday. One kind word and an Indian man thinks that they stand a chance with you!

Where is the decency and the chivalry? Where is the open mindedness and the candour? And what is with the ladla beta attitude all these mollycoddled Indian men have? Indian men don't take disappointment very well... Arun was so not like the regular average Joe you meet in India... they want women only to please them with no sense of sacrifice from their side.

Anyway I'm not getting a drop of sleep tonight. I don't know why. Even if I switch off the lights and lie down with eyes shut I don't think I'll get sleep.

Under such circumstances I think I'll chant and then switch off the lights.

Hope Arun is doing well. He looked happy and healthy and suave. It was amazing seeing his face!!!! A big muwaah to him!

I am feeling:

Feet dry

Heart heavy

Hurt by Pa Pa's reaction

Not sad but not totally happy

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing well at moving on from Arun and sometimes I feel a deep longing from him.

Today I didn't get any work done. Tomorrow will be a better day!

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all the Grace that is showered on me.

2.16 am

seeing you again

If I said I didn't long for you

That would be a complete lie

And that meeting you today didn't stir me

In fact it left me very high.

I'm trying to find myself now

And I hope you are too

And soon we will meet again

At a quarter past half past two.

Life is beginning to unravel,

Your love has found its way back home

And I wish you were more inviting

And that you really wanted me to come

To dance in the meadows with you,

To smell your earthy smell,

Just seeing you this briefly today

Has enchanted me with your charms in a spell.

Journal 14.11.2025 4.52 pm a full day

Dear Journal,

I was supposed to wake up early today because I had the Vidnet conference to attend but I woke up around 7.43 and was out of the house by 8.28.

I skipped yoga, chanting and everything in between. De Jh was late for the conference. He attended just the last 20 minutes.

There was idli, sandwiches, coffee on the menu. The conference itself was wonderful. I learnt a lot about the ott space and I have a lot more to learn.

Last night I went to sleep after 2 am.

De Jh seems to be a little upset with me for blowing him off earlier. He spoke very passionately about movies and how he doesn't love his wife. He left around 4 because I told him I have work. I do. I have the yoga test to give and a meeting with See Dhi.

Pa Pa called several times. I finally picked up his call and he said he wants to meet me.

Last night I was feeling a kind of longing ache for Arun but I finally managed to sleep. I think it was the coffee I had with Pa Pa that kept me awake.

Pa Pa treated me to momos, coffee and cigarettes last evening. I need to talk to him. Somehow it seems that he thinks there is a chance with me.

I gave it a lot of thought last night. While Pa Pa seems like the loyal kind who would never cheat on a girl, I don't want to lead him on. Because at the end of the day I won't marry him. And I don't want another Ro Ro or Bha crying and pleading with me. I don't want to break his heart.

Last evening See Dhi, Gau, Ma and Me studied the Causality for victory in life and we practised singing I Arise.

My thoughts: One must not leave relationships at the mercy of one's judgmentality and prejudices. I seek to unshackle people from my judgments and stay away from hatred. I must breed love and kindness in my heart. And I should forgive others and myself.

I hope to pay A back all his money soon. The thought occupies a lot of my mindspace.

I am going to chant now and then give the yoga test and then meet See Dhi. She hasn't seen my message yet.

I am feeling:

The cool dry breeze that has made my skin dry.

Happy

Serious 

A tad foggy

Full of love

With the intention to be kind to all

Eager to see a breakthrough in my career

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for life and all the good fortune I have.

I am grateful for my family and friends and all the special moments I share with them.

I am grateful for food, clothes, shelter and money.

I am grateful for books. (I have 30 pages of Judas to finish. Then I'll read A Roy's book.)

I am grateful that I've inculcated discipline into my life.

I am grateful for myself.

I am wearing a black sleeveless spandex top with my black fisherman's pants. I paired this with a black blazer for the event today. Dressed down in black!

The event was spectacular! I had a great time even though I didn't talk much to people.

Pa is on his way back from a day long trip with his friends. I hope he had fun.

Love,

Me.

5.13 pm

You hurt me

You hurt me

And now I'm strong

Enough to eject you

Into the vast unknown.

Journal 13.11.2025 11.58 am Tarot comes in

Dear Journal,

It's kind of warm right now but last night a cool chilly breeze put me right off to sleep.

I dosed till about 7.21 after waking up from an unclear dream where I saw Buo Bacha and I think we were discussing money.

Well....

I was on the yoga mat by 8.15. Even though I didn't feel like doing asanas I perseveared. A majestic kite has been hovering close by to where I practice each day. It scares me a little.

Pa has gone out of town. He's become so quiet quiet that he always has been.

Yesterday Ap came home and I think her relationship is ending. She had tears in her eyes. We played the Tarot, studied and chanted.

Even this morning I had a Tarot client. Sa So says he also wants a session with me. He's kind of cute.

Last evening my thoughts were that I'm quite hated... I don't think people love me that easily. I don't know why? Could be my arrogance.

Change happens from within and I need to change myself if I want my circumstances to change.

The only trick to good luck and good fortune is blessing everyone.

Tomorrow De Jh and me are going for a film meeting, two meetings actually and I'll be out all day and will have to give yoga a miss. Got to get out of the house by 8.

Yesterday the internet really failed me. I tried the second MindR assignment at least twice. I don't know if it got saved.

Now I'll sit on Flexit. Got to work.

I am feeling:

Happy

A little tension within me

Full of love

Warm but dry

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

12.10 pm

Journal 12.11.2025 11.51 am it's getting chilly

Dear Journal,

I went to sleep rather late last night. After 1.15 am.

I woke up from a dream where I saw that we had gone to vacation in the forests where there were many monks and Pa was touched by a lion's paw. The lion had high-fived him. He was excited and telling us about it.

Then I saw myself sitting by Arun's side for a play in the forests. I told him about Pa's encounter with the lion and then I put my head on his shoulder and told him that I haven't gone for a spa or to the parlour in a long time. Arun kept quiet and gazed at some beautiful women walking the ramp.

Then a majestic woman strides in onto the makeshift stage in the forest and an actor says, "Where are you Madhubala?" Then I woke up.

I woke up a little before 8.15 reminiscing how wonderful it used to feel to put my head on Arun's shoulder. But it's over. He's gone. And I survived.

I sipped some water, ate a banana and headed to the garden. I was on the yoga mat by 8.51. I chanted, meditated then came back home to relieve myself. Then I dug into my mat for my asana pranayam practice.

There was a cold breeze slapping my face as I stood in Stithprarthanasana. The weather is getting chilly.

Then I came home, did my morning ablutions, ate breakfast, grabbed the news and here I am.

I have the MindR assignment to do today. Fingers crossed for this one.

Yesterday's audition was alright. I always feel I could have done better, always.

I came home yesterday around 4 and ate my lunch. On my way back I also had two burgers from Burger King. I lost my way on the way to the audition taking a roundabout route. And then on my way back I was so engrossed in my phone that the metro went back to weh where I got off and came back home. Whew!

Pa Pa called yesterday asking if I'd like to catch a movie. I would have loved to go but I had a meeting with See Dhi.

She was enthralled by Sonu Nigam's concert. She also told me that I should focus on driving around in a Mercedes, travel the world.

"More important than treasures in the storehouse are treasures of the body and the treasures of the heart are most valuable than all." I told her that. She said that the treasures of the storehouse are very important.

Yes, but I disagreed. I came back home and discussed this with Ma. She also said that the treasures of the storehouse are very valuable.

Yes. But Buddhism is all about cultivating the treasures of the heart. Then the treasures of the body and treasures of the storehouse follow. ARRGH! 

When I look back all my prayers have been answered. So for more concerted praying.

Now I'll drink my tea and sit on my assignment.

Ap is coming home in the evening.

I am feeling:

A tad groggy

Happy

Dry because of the cold

Clean

Full of love

Like I'm scowling

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

12.12 pm

Journal 11.11.2025 11.42 am a dream of buying rice

Dear Journal,

I truncated my yoga regime to 20 minutes of asanas today. Tomorrow I shall not do that. I chanted and meditated for an hour and after asanas did 10 minutes of pranayam.

Yesterday I sat on my novel again. Pa Pa called many times but finally he didn't meet me.

I was thinking about See Dhi telling me that she wishes Sanskar would die. While I think she goes through a lot with him it was cruel of her to think that way. Each life is precious.

I don't know about her struggles but she needs to do something about her depression. 

She messaged last night that she wants to meet me today but I'm going for an audition.

I hope my audition goes well. I look forward to it.

I had a dream before waking up that Ma and Pa have thrown a feast and that we are short of rice. A young Abhi Kaku tells me that Chun eats 1 kg of rice. Then both Ma and Pa scold me and pack me off to buy the rice. I purchase the rice and get some more. Then I woke up.

I am feeling:

Heart full of love

Happy

At peace 

Accomplished since I sat on my novel yesterday

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life and all my good fortune.

I am grateful for family and friends and all the many ways they make my life whole.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful that we are having a pleasant winter.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful that I look so young.

Yesterday there was a blast near Red Fort. DELHI is on severe alert when it comes to pollution. Wonder how Mashi and all are doing? I'll call her soon.

Love,

Me.

11.52 am

Journal 10.11.2025 12.25 pm a kathak evening and a scathingdream

Dear Journal,

I woke up at around 7.30 from a dream. Rather late. I saw Ma. I was walking with her and talking to her. Then I saw myself in Munima's Pedder road house with Dimpydi and Munima deciding to watch TV. But the TV wouldn't work. Then I saw myself having a fight with Arun. Arun and some lady had had a child and he was scathing while fighting with me. I picked up the newborn child from the salwar kameez clad lady for some time but the child wanted its mother. I returned the child to its mother and then I woke up.

I was on the yoga mat by 7.50. I did a truncated version of my yoga regime because I had to go to the dentist. The dentist has suggested a root canal. It'll cost more.

Last evening Ranjit Barot was amazing on the drums. Mesmerising. The kathak performance was also out of the world. The rhythm, the nippy evening and the resplendence of it all! It was enthralling. 

I love dancers and the musical evening added a touch of fun to my otherwise melancholy state of mind.

RaTi was very upset with me for going incommunicado after the play and he kept talking to me about it.

Hi, Gun, Bachan Sir, Arjun, and Shagun were also there.

I love dancers! To be able to dance is a great joy.... I'm not a gifted dancer. The percussionist Barot was simply outstanding.

I came back home and sent a few messages to De Jh and Ma clicked some full length pictures of me.

I am feeling:

Groggy

Heavy headed

Sleepy (it's cold)

Happy

Full of love

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

3 pm

Journal 9.11.2025 11.42 am a little grouchy

Dear Journal,

Quitting smoking ain't easy but I'll get there. In the morning I woke around 6.40 and did yoga till about 9.18.

The sonorous chanting, the calming meditation, and the rejuvenating asanas and pranayam ignited me without cigarettes. But after bathing the craving was insatiable and I had one cigarette.

I went with Ma around 11 o clock for the contribution. I hope to get through the whole day without smoking. I met Nimisha, See Dhi, Neelima and Ashish there.

An Ga shared a really funny video with me.

After that I checked my mail and chatted with Haroon. I'm so grateful to have friends.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on chat gpt.

Ma gave me a nice 5 -minute head massage with oil. That was heavenly!

Pa Pa called up many times. I very politely told him that I'm not interested in him.

The day should be good....

I have a kathak recital to go for in the evening with RaTi. I am grateful for life's small blessings.

Lunch was macher tel, chorchori with macher tel and Dal and fish Keema.  Ma was muttering something or the other to herself. That's a little annoying. Pa was busy with work.

I am feeling:

A little grouchy

Happy

Determined

Full after lunch. I'm so grateful for the food on my plate.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful that I could contribute this month.

I'm grateful for my friendship with Haroon.

Love,

Me.

2.35 pm

Journal 8.11.2025 1.13 pm a visit to the dentist and everything around it

Dear Journal,

I woke up around 7 o clock and was on my mat by 7.40. The chanting, meditation, asana, pranayam routine has gotten easier.

Some kid was on the swing in the garden, a little distracting, but I forged on. The other day Hoshi T came to watch me do yoga.

I then went to the dentist. The new dentist is quite affordable compared to Ap Chu. She's also quite sweet. But her x ray machine wasn't working. My pain is in my wisdom tooth which she suggested I get extracted.

I came back home and grabbed the news. Since yesterday I've been putting pictures and photos into Chatgpt and asking it to read the faces.

Putting A's face into the software brought a wave of emotions in me and I messaged him about the money I owe him. I paid him a token amount till I can make the full payment.

His face reading was quite accurate. I think I'll always love him. Ma's face is graceful, mine warm and Arun's is pure music.

I'm waiting from a reply from MindR. It'll be good money and a good way to pay A back. I'll have to give an assessment. Hope it goes well... fingers crossed!

Yesterday I didn't read too much and wrapped up work early. I studied the Causality of Victory in Life.

I met Pa Pa for a brief bit for a cigarette last evening. He said he wants to take me to Elephanta Caves. He also spoke about a workshop we could do together. That should be fun!

I've been dabbling with Chat Gpt.

Now I'll get to some work.

Goals. Goals. Goals.

One of these days I also need to find time to update my Tarot channel.

I am feeling:

At peace 

Happy

Full of love

Loving

Loved

Pretty

Full of energy

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for work and friends.

I am grateful for my parents, brother and Sadhya.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for my many talents.

I am grateful for good health.

I am grateful for a good heart.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

Love,

Me.

1.29 pm

Spring meets Autumn

In the snow-filled craggy caverns of time,

Between Autumn and Spring,

Between dusk and dawn

Where the blossoms of time lie hibernating

I wait,

Me sun, you ember,

Me teak, you oak,

Me willow, you frost

And all the lies told are forgotten

And hearts are united

In a journey within time

Where the cinders of burning flames

Awaken you sleeping, me woke

And the cloaks that wrap us

Writhe as the seasons dance.

How much time is there really till it smells like sun again or feels like moon?

Tears

Tears, beautiful tears, solemn and forlorn,

Rising at the heart and gathering at the eyes

And then come gushing down like a silent cascade

Drowning all my hopes, all my fears and those truths that sprouted from belligerent lies.

Idly streaming like a river glistening in the morning sun

Where the tongue would utter at last of a job that is finally done.

Tears, solemn tears, quietly shared with the Universe

Where my sorrows find meaning, my desires find root

Of a heart that is at once resolved and resolutely moved,

Meandering down my cheeks into the hollows of the day,

Allowing me to forge ahead, showing forth the way.

Journal 7.11.2025 12 pm from the trilling of birds to the victim of an online fraud

Dear Journal,

I woke up late because I slept rather late last night. Me and Haroon got onto a video call and smoked together. Then I watched some Tarot videos.

I slept peacefully. I don't remember my dreams. I woke up around 7.52 and by 8.30 was on my yoga mat. I did yoga till 10.30.

The trilling of birds, a preying kite hovering close by and the expanse of verdure all around me was alluring.

I did not focus so much on my pelvic exercises and forgot to do pigeon pose. So today my pelvic hasn't been exercised.

I am learning to release Arun out into the world; I'm learning to let him go. Firstly, I should have focused on my career, taken care of myself and I definitely shouldn't have borrowed money from him. I did love him truly. But on the other side of things, what's not meant to be is not meant to be. I'm sure he's prancing about with a young twitty about town.

I often think about Ro, Bha and Shy. I must have really hurt them when I broke their hearts. They cried so much... it's wrong to break someone's heart like that, it's wicked.

That is why I'm not really paying too much heed into Pa Pa's interest in me. It's alright to go out and enjoy but I don't want to get his hopes up.

Yesterday, Yuganta was wonderful. The acting was alright, good may be, but the lights, the sound, the blocking stole the show. I went for several hours without cigarettes yesterday.

Some men posing as Armymen called up and tried to fraud me but I realised it and cut their call and blocked them. It's only then that I finally picked up a cigarette.

It's been a late start to the day. I worked only for 2 hours yesterday. I wrote something on Medium.

I am feeling:

Happy

Pretty

Bathed and clean

Calm

Soulful

Eager to have a good day.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am grateful for the people and experiences that adorn my life.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for happiness and the happiness that is yoga. Yoga is a way of life.

Love,

Me.

12.15 pm

Journal 6.11.2025 2.42 pm releasing intentions

Dear Journal,

I woke up around 6.40 and was on my mat by 7.20. The yoga has gotten far easier. I didn't focus too much on my pelvic exercise today and Ardha Pincha Mayurasana is truly tough.

I felt groggy after and missed A feeling an upsurge of love for him. But I'm beginning to release him in my prayers, in my thoughts, in my intentions....

I went to meet N. We spoke for exactly 40 minutes. She has straightened her hair. That was all alright....

In the morning I felt a surge of loneliness but I must deal with it. Spoke to Pa Pa, spoke to De Jh last evening for a longish time. He spoke about his movie and about his financial literacy classes.

I read wfchap today. Each day I've committed to 20 pages. It's a little boring,  the book. I studied 2 Goshos.

I have to write out my experience and study for the zadankai. I'm so grateful for my Buddhist practice. If only my daimoku were more vibrant; it'll get better.

I'm planning to go for HriKa's play this evening at Rangshila. That should be good....

Tomorrow I have a dental appointment.

I haven't really sat and worked today oweing to my busy morning. Now I'll eat lunch, rest a bit and set to work.

Each day, many times I think about paying A back his money. It's always on my mind. When I do that I'll feel the maximum release. I hope to be able to do that very soon.

I am feeling:

Loving

Full of love

Slightly happy, slightly sad

A bit lonely

I am grateful for all the ways my life is Boddhisattva. I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am wearing my khaki brown cotton world top with denims.

I know the play today will be enjoyable!

I plan to catch Shahrukh's next in the theatres on my own.

Love,

Me.

2.56 pm

Journal 5.11.2025 12.29 pm meeting Riddhi was fun

Dear Journal,

There is a slight nip in the weather so much so that I don't need the fan.

I woke up from a dream where I saw Raj and Nai. They were saying something or the other to me. I woke up around 6.30 and by 7 I was on my yoga mat.

The swarms of mosquitoes made practice challenging. Nevertheless, I felt viscerally lighter after my session. I came home, did shavasana and my morning routine and then Riddhi came home.

She is so jovial. She lost her father some time ago and I really love and admire her spirit! She is such a dilkhush hasmukh girl.

Yesterday Ma and me went to See Dhi's place and we studied the Causality of Victory in Life.

Firstly, the effects in the present reflect the causes in the past and the effects in the future will be determined by our causes in the present. My greatest takeback from the study was that we should not bemoan our fate and remain aghast at the causes we've made in the past. With a future-forward perspective we must learn to sow the seeds of good causes in the present.

It was a good study. I walked back home with Ma and bought popcorn on the way. Ma went to the kaikan early in the morning.

I am learning to chant more vibrant daimoku. I am a work in progress.

Last night I pored into Judas. I'm learning so much about the Jews of Israel....

I'm feeling a little lackadaisical, don't feel like working, but work I must. So after my tea I'll set down and get lunch in between.

I missed De Jh's call yesterday.  I'll call him today.

I am feeling:

A slight heaviness in my head. Need to go to the dentist.

Happy

Loving

Full of love

Pretty

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful that I get to pray and chant.

I am grateful that I had a fun meet with Riddhi.

I am grateful for food, shelter and money.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for my parents, brother and Sadhya.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I am wearing a baby pink t shirt with my corduroy dungarees.

Love,

Me.

12.44 pm

Journal 4.11.2025 1 16 pm eradicating the roots of anger

Dear Journal,

I woke up from a dream where I saw Ma telling me that Mashi has sent something exotic for dinner. I woke up rather late oweing to the fact that I went to sleep rather late. A little after 7.40.

I proceeded to my chanting, meditation, asana, pranayam spot and put in two hours of solid yoga. I practised Ardha Pincha Mayurasana today. It was rather difficult. I have to keep at it for at least 4 months before I can proceed further.

The body is toned, lean, the mind sharp albeit I was slightly disturbed last evening, may be because of loneliness.

Dee came in at around 11.30. She and Ap have moved to Lokhandwala. She was all her chirpy self and spoke a lot. I hope to keep in touch with the two of them.

We studied Illnesses of the Mind and I realised that largely all my mental delusions are oweing to anger and arrogance. I must eradicate it completely from my life.

Mental illnesses are the functions of devils/our own delusions and illusions. I must eradicate jealousy, suspicion, anger, hatred, arrogance and ill will from my heart. I must.

During the meeting I kind of choked on water and just couldn't find my rhythm when it came to daimoku. I must better myself at group chanting.

I was a little low on energy till I had tea made by DuMa.

Yesterday I messaged Arun. I have to completely let go of him, I have to move on. It will happen gradually. I changed his name on my phone, removed our video from my favourites list in my Gallery. That video is now lost in the history of my phone.

I must not harbour too much on where he's at, what he thinks, etc. etc. I have to let go....

I tried modifying my prayers for him but I've got so used to praying in a certain manner for him and his family that it was difficult.

May he be at peace, may he be happy.

Yesterday both Pa Pa and De Jh called multiple times but I didn't pick up their calls. I think I'll call back De Jh this evening.

Even though I started late today I hope to put in some solid work today. I'm planning to write something on Medium too.

I'm wearing denims with my Cotton World animal print shirt.

I am feeling:

Breath heavy

Happy yet slightly morose

Calm

Placid

Eager to have a good day

I am grateful for the food I eat, the shelter I have, for the money I have.

I am grateful for my parents, my brother and Sadhya.

I am grateful for my friends.

I am grateful for Shakyamuni Buddha and Buddhism.

I am grateful for books and all the great writers I read.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for my blessed life and my blessed heart.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

I will put in ten minutes of daimoku now, some rhythmic chanting to get my pace and tone right.

I'm blessed that Ma is so sweet, so conscientious as is Pa.

To a good day!

Love,

Me.

1.37 pm

Journal 3.11.2025 10.05 pm going through the motions of getting over

Dear Journal,

Going through the motions of breaking up with Arun has been one rollercoaster ride. Firstly, I never felt I'll ever be able to get over him.

Secondly, I still love him. Not in a way, but in a soul way. He has his negative points-- he is not loyal or fidel, he can be pretty rude and dismissive and insulting, he is too into outer appearances and judges women too much by their outer beauty.

But he has his good points like his sense of humour, his generosity and kindness and the sweet smell of his skin; he's a great conversationalist.

Most days I've missed him terribly, lost my mind after the break up, and I haven't been able to go out with any guy romantically.

I've become a sort of solitary recluse enjoying my quietude and solitude.

The days have gotten easier with my yoga and schedule supporting as a backbone. I've gone back to Buddhism. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to get over him or if there will be days in the future when I don't think about him as much.

I don't want to blame myself for the break-up completely  even though I should not have borrowed money from him and I should not have lost myself and I should have focused on my career. 

His words -- 'Mere paas char aur ladkiyan Hai... par mai iske saath nahin rehta kyunki ye pagal Hai,' were dismissive, insulting and rude and I'm still trying to get over it even though I've forgiven him.

I feel typecast, rejected, dejected and heartbroken. But despite that I still love him in a very deep way.

Each day I set aside some time to pray for him and his family.

I feel so foolish and torn and the tears won't stop streaming down.

Knowing him I know he's with someone new... and that hurts even more.

I just changed his name (the way it was saved on my phone). That's one step in the right direction.

Love,

Me.

10.19 pm

Journal 3.11.2025 7.55 pm a goal

Dear Journal,

I'm thoroughly enjoying my yoga practice. It rejuvenates me for the entire day. It keeps my mind sharp and my aura aglowing....

Out of all the asanas I do I love three of them a lot, one being halasana, then downward dog and Matsyasana. I love holding them in static poses.

Halasana stretches my entire spine, Matsyasana increases my pelvic strength and upper back strength and is great for the hair and downward dog in static is pure meditative. Of course, I can't forget shavasana! That's my favourite pose of all time, pure bliss!

I've been doing yoga for years. I was initiated by Dada at the age of 15 who has lived up to 96 years of age and is still going strong.

I get in about 35 to 50 minutes of heavy-duty asana in my routine. For years I've been wanting to perfect Shirshasana. Now and then I've almost got it.

From tomorrow I'm going to really lug at it, stretch it out and initiate myself into the headstand properly.

My first goal, first step is to get the Dolphin right. Two weeks of that and I would be ready to give it a go.

Today I worked till about 6 till Ma came home. My meeting with Pra and Bha went pretty well I hope.

Now I'll get in 40 minutes of chanting!

Oh yes! I bantered a bit with A. He was busy.

Pa Pa wanted to meet but I declined.

I am feeling:

Happy

Fit

Pretty

Mindful

Serene

Calm

Geared to get that shirshasana

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings in my life.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for my wonderful family.

I am grateful for the food I eat, the shelter I have and the money I possess.

I am grateful for work.

Within some time hopefully I'll be able to pay A back.

I went and got Ma a mouthwash today and bought myself a scrub. I'm wearing my sky blue lace top and Buro's brown trousers. I feel pretty at the peak of sparrows.

Love,

Me.

8.13 pm

Ps: I may have to do two-3 months of dolphin pose and master that to get to shirshasana. Preparation. Preparation. Preparation. 

Inspiration

In the far reaches of my mind

I catch a ray of sunshine

And I try as I might

To grasp it and it bind

The sunrays are elusive

And sometimes clouds overcast

That which the tongue would utter,

That which in the heart would last.

Journal 3.11.2025 12.21 pm not much to say

 Dear Journal,

I am feeling so sleepy and all worked out, a little fatigued. Plus I'm inordinately happy to be able to do yoga! It's one of life's greatest blessings...

I got in some work in the morning after my session. Anupriya cancelled since she is shifting. Now I'll get to more work. I'm waiting for DuMa to make me tea. That should perk me up.

De Jh and Pa Pa have both been calling but I don't have the time or the bandwidth to meet or talk to them. Praying for Arun keeps him alive in my heart. I'm sure he caught the finals somewhere yesterday.

The women's team won the World Cup! That's awesome!

I don't have much to say today. I woke up from a slightly x-rated dream. Why so? It's been years....

I have a meeting late afternoon. Now to get to work....

I am feeling:

All worked out

Relaxed

Eager that my meeting today goes well

Happy

Pretty

I think I smell good today.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings in my life.

Love,

Me.

12.28 pm

Veil

The sun has cast its gloom upon my face

Shrouded in net at which my heart does pace

And the cloth with one eye gleaming outward

Like a leaf covering my mortality,

Half a lip showing, nostrils bellowing under the fabric

Shadows the clean expanse of cutis,

Smooth, sweaty, with a twirl here, a curl there

And I hide not my shame,

Or my glory nor my fame

But my story,

Silenced by the shadows of the night,

Becoming more me,

Bashful and demure.

Journal 2.11.2025 1.56 pm I had a great time watching Zen Katha!

 Dear Journal,

Today I woke up well before 7.30, had a few sips of water, ate a banana and headed out to do yoga. As I was chanting and meditating, it started pouring. What is with the November Monsoon? Climate change? All our crops will suffer.

It was surreal sitting there and meditating. I was a little distracted in my meditation but my Asana Pranayama practice following that rejuvenated me.

I then headed out to meet See Dhi. She is a little sceptical about her life in general, slightly in a pesssimistic state of mind. Towards the end of the meeting I was feeling a little low on energy and my right hand started shaking.

I came back home and did ten minutes of shavasana. I think I'll stretch my asana time and get in some shavasana in the garden itself.

Then I sat down to work. I wrote two articles on Medium.

Yesterday the play by Lilette Dubey was amazing. Zen Katha is about the 28th patriarch of Buddhism Boddhidharma's life. He was the founder of the Zen school of Buddhism. Mahakashyapa was the first patriarch and Ananda the second.

Jay has read a lot about Boddhidharma and filled us in with the details.

Royal Opera House is a magnificent opulent structure with beautiful chandeliers and ornate mirrors. The entire experience was something I much needed.

We then went hunting for a place to eat. All the places in South Bombay were shutting down by then. Finally, we grabbed a Gujju thali each at Samrat. I am so grateful to Jay, Sonal and Ma for this beautiful experience and for the actors in the play for putting up such an astounding performance!

The sequences in China were really very nice. The backdrops were beautiful and interesting.

I thought about my own play through it all.

Yesterday Pa Pa called many many times and I just didn't have the time or the bandwidth to pick up his calls. I am simply not interested in him. Why doesn't he get that?

It's Eshna's birthday today! I'll call her after lunch.

 It's raining cats and dogs outside now.

I practice Buddhism. I pray for myself and others. But what will all my prayers amount to if I bear grudges, hatred, jealousy and ill will in my heart? I must uproot all the reeds of negativity from my heart.

I spoke to Krupa for about half an hour on the phone. I am meeting Ap tomorrow. Now I'll get in some work, eat lunch, get in more work and settle down with the vc.

I am feeling:

Slightly hurt

Happy

Toned

Fit

Loving

Pa continues to be acerbic towards me. Why does he waste his time with being negative?

I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.

Love,

Me.

2.16 pm

Journal 1.11.2025 1.44 pm dreaming of Vinod

 Dear Journal,

I woke up well before 7 today. I had a dream that Vinod wanted to buy me two cigarettes and a Pepsi. I waited (in my dream) and then he came back with the objects, and then, of course, I woke up.

Around 7.05 I headed to the garden with one banana and a few sips of water in my stomach. The routine is getting easier. The yoga is getting more seamless. I feel more toned, more alive, more grounded. This is the best thing I've ever done.

Half an hour of chanting, 15 minutes of meditation and then Asanas and Pranayam is a holistic practice. A huge pat on the back to me for keeping up the routine!

I came back home, bathed, did 10 minutes of daimoku, read the news and did shavasana with breakfast in between. Then See Dhi came home for the DPM.

We chanted for about 45 minutes and my heart broke when she told me that I would be transferrred to another district. I am the emcee for the next meeting.

Ma spoke about being goody-goody during the meeting and said that it is alright to be stern. I later corrected her, saying that it is important that words are sweet. She agreed.

After the meeting I read 20 pages of the vc. I will be contributing this month.

Pa Pa has been calling at any odd time of the day. I feel a little irritated because, frankly, I'm not interested in him.

We have the play at Royal Opera Opera House today. It should be a good good evening!

Lunch is ready. After lunch I'll sit to get some work done, then get ready and leave for the play.

In all things it is important to live for others. In thought, word and deed it is vital to keep the people in your life in mind. We are not separate from our environments. Our environment reflects our inner life.

Or may be today I'll skip work because it's a pretty packed day!

I finished reading Unlocking... Death and have started reading J Amoz's Judas. It's a pretty interesting book. After lunch I'll just go past a few chapters.

It's going to be a good day!

I am feeling:

Happy

Full of love

Missing A

Excited for the play this evening

So satisfied that I have been continually doing yoga for months now. Nothing feels better!

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

Love, Me.

1.59 pm