Going through the motions of breaking up with Arun has been one rollercoaster ride. Firstly, I never felt I'll ever be able to get over him.
Secondly, I still love him. Not in a way, but in a soul way. He has his negative points-- he is not loyal or fidel, he can be pretty rude and dismissive and insulting, he is too into outer appearances and judges women too much by their outer beauty.
But he has his good points like his sense of humour, his generosity and kindness and the sweet smell of his skin; he's a great conversationalist.
Most days I've missed him terribly, lost my mind after the break up, and I haven't been able to go out with any guy romantically.
I've become a sort of solitary recluse enjoying my quietude and solitude.
The days have gotten easier with my yoga and schedule supporting as a backbone. I've gone back to Buddhism. I don't know if I'll ever really be able to get over him or if there will be days in the future when I don't think about him as much.
I don't want to blame myself for the break-up completely even though I should not have borrowed money from him and I should not have lost myself and I should have focused on my career.
His words -- 'Mere paas char aur ladkiyan Hai... par mai iske saath nahin rehta kyunki ye pagal Hai,' were dismissive, insulting and rude and I'm still trying to get over it even though I've forgiven him.
I feel typecast, rejected, dejected and heartbroken. But despite that I still love him in a very deep way.
Each day I set aside some time to pray for him and his family.
I feel so foolish and torn and the tears won't stop streaming down.
Knowing him I know he's with someone new... and that hurts even more.
I just changed his name (the way it was saved on my phone). That's one step in the right direction.
Love,
Me.
10.19 pm
No comments:
Post a Comment