Today I did Tarot readings for up to Sagittarius. I read Arundhati Roy, wfchap volume 2 and instead of working on my novel I decided to write about how I remember Ma and Pa.
I wanted to write about Buro but that's a little painful.
I think from tomorrow I'll schedule reading to after my writing time.
Reading is so tempting for me. I love delving into the written word.
I called up Arun. I was feeling so emotional. I told him: "Everything I am is thanks to you. Everything I am becoming is also thanks to you." To which he replied: "Why are you crying? I'm never leaving your life. I'm always there."
Everything I've become is thanks to the two years of knowing him -- the open heart chakra, the sense and the sensibilities, and the direction I'm on.
And his words. And the fact that he always picks up my calls. He touches my heart like no man ever could. And his handsome face. And his sweet fragrance. And his uppity nose. And his soulful eyes that reflect always where his heart is. And his maturity. And everything he is. And everything that makes him... I find absolutely alluring. I love his pain... I always want to lessen it. And his joys and his soul... Well... enough!
I wrote a poem called Silence and thought a lot about whether I should send it to him; I didn't want to make the atmosphere heavy and finally I did send it to him.
He seems to be living a life of his own making, unaffected, deeply focused on his career.
I am also focused. If only I could deal with the addiction to reading.
After writing about Ma and Pa I realised that I don't quite focus on catering to my own needs.
Ma hugged me and told me to meet a certain Shantanu to talk about whatever I want to. I will.
I love my mother. She is so beautiful and she has aged so gracefully. I love her zest and her energy and her call to duty.
I also asked Pa when he would start talking to me again, to which he said: "That's up to you."
Each afternoon as he's snoring during his nap time I gently go and kiss his cheeks or head.
I really love my parents and everything I am is oweing to them.
I also of course love my brother and I'm so grateful to my family and also, of course, Arun for bearing me and putting up with me these last two years that have been lowest of low.
After a dreary night a brilliant dawn follows. And I'm just about waking up from my dream.
"When you gaze long enough into an abyss the abyss gazes back into you." When you focus on the joys of life the joys come back manifold!
There is really no scope to be lazy.
I'm learning to live with myself, I'm learning to embrace the silence and solitude. I've made peace with the fact that I may never get married. And I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone simply to fill the void.
I'm learning to live in the void and adorn it with colour that only I can see. I'm learning to love myself and be my own best friend.
I'm learning to write and read better and I'm growing.
The things that I need--
Spiritually:
Clarity
A sound mind
Expansion
Purpose
Zest for life
Mindfulness
A calm mind
Emotionally:
Love
Conversations
Companionship
Happiness
Accomplishments
Release
A good confidante
Kindness
Poetry
Books
Art
Music
Movies
Bodily
Pretty feet
Yoga (asanas and pranayam)
Healthy food (I'm so grateful that my parents provide that and shelter to me)
Healthy skin
Good health
Good clothes
Happiness
Strengh
Kisses and hugs
A sound mind
Career-wise
I need a breakthrough.
Writing assignments
Money
My Tarot channel to become popular
My novel to get finished with a good agent
Investments
Saving
Consistency
Hard work
Ambition
Courage
That's not a lot I need. Just the regular stuff.
I am feeling:
Slightly sleepy
Happy
Loving
Patient
Grateful
I am grateful for God's infinite love, Grace and blessings on my life.
Love,
Me.
10.27 pm
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