Journal 1.12.2025 11.07 am getting out of panic

Dearest darlingest of Journals,

I still love Arun so....

I woke up today at 8.48. That was rather late. I did a truncated version of my practice in the garden, ate two samosas for breakfast and here I am.

Yesterday i did not smoke for a long time. Finally, around lunch I had a full-blown panic attack. I cried. I was feeling so alone and so lonely. And of course, I had tons of cigarettes.

I called up Arun but he was busy. I messaged De Jh and Qud.

I was sombre and i dont want to feel that way ever again.

Ma and Pa had a Boubhaat to attend. So i was alone at home with myself. 

I went down to play with Hassan, my new boyfriend, because only he wants kisses from me. He's such a cute little kid. I love him so.

Then finally, Arun called. By that time my panic had subsided. He told me about the plans for his building redevelopment and gave me advice on how to shoot videos. He said he'll watch my videos and give me advice.

He asked me to get light on my darker side, to keep my laptop at a higher level, and to focus on what i'm doing (not look at the camera when i'm shuffling).

He is so cute. So so so cute. I asked him to call me up more often because i'm so alone. He said he will. His nose...

Then De Jh messaged me back and i told him about my panic attack and he said i shouldve just called him.

Then Qud called me up after such a long time. It was lovely listening to her voice. She encouraged me to do my Tarot channel properly and said my readings are quite accurate. Even N said that a few days ago that it feels like i'm doing the readings only for her, it's so accurate.

I think writing as a career is seeing a death. Try as i might, well-paying gigs and jobs are not forthcoming and this has been the case for a long time.

Then I messaged Shou letting him know that I'll be in Delhi end December.

At the end of the day my panic had ceased and i was left with the impression that people do love me, in whatever manner they do.

I think today i'll sit and craft a vision and mission statement for my Tarot channel today.

I have tons of mail I have to go through.

What should I wear today?

Chalo... got to head for a bath.

Its good writing in you.

I am grateful for God's infinite love, grace and blessings on my life.

I am feeling:

Happy

Very very very slightly hurt

Full of love

Love,

Me.

11.29 am