Journal 1.6.2023 12.15 pm

 Dear Journal,

I opened this blog to write and I remembered it's Ana's birthday. So I took some time off to wish her and didn't write much.

There is no work today. I'm sitting idle, thinking about budgeting.

I got credited 50k yesterday. Out of that 10k goes to Pa and 15k goes into ppf. That leaves me with 25k. I'll put 10k in sbi. That leaves me with 15k for 30 days. Out of that I'll spend only 5k.

I calculated; my daily salary comes up to 2.5k. I've decided that at any given point of time I won't spend more than 250 bucks. 

I really wish to quit smoking. The cheap tenner cigs are unavailable  for some time.

I went through a few luxury brands.

I went out drinking with the screenwriters' group last night. I was told I was really quiet. I didn't have much to say.

I'll read the news now and get some writing done.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for each and everything.

Journal 1.6.2023 11.54 am

 Dear Journal,

I'm idle.

Love, Me.

Journal 31.5.2023 5.44 pm weekly time budget

 Dear Journal,

I have been feeling low on self-confidence. 

Ever since I learnt that S'phrenia is a poor man's disease I have been thinking about our means.

Working here at Salt on luxury brands I also feel there is so little I know about luxury. Mash just gave me a small talk on how I should approach luxury. A small part of me feels like quitting this job too, but the experience is invaluable. This is so much better than working for VIBGYOR. I am truly grateful for this job.

Till a few years ago Pa often told me: "Ÿou are a poor man's daughter." To this I often got angry, but that may be the reality. We are not rich.

I went to a rich children's school, Studied in one of the best colleges in the country but I've never been treated to luxuries, or been able to afford luxuries. 

My heart goes out to Bu. He has a lot of friends. That's wealth.

I wish to create wealth and this experience of working here at Salt is simply incomparable.

I mingle with likes of Sunil and gang, who live under the Tarpaulin sheet. I have no qualms. People I work with would look down upon the likes of them.

I want to get rich quickly. Like stinking wealthy and stinking rich.

I've never even travelled abroad.

I wish all my dreams come true.

I love my parents to infinity and beyond, and Bu I love even more.

My priorities:

Weekly budget: 168 hours in a week

Family and love: 10 hours

Friends and love: 5 hours

Exercise, healthy food, good health: Eating and exercise: 28 hours

Money: (Lots of it. About a 1,000 crore in one day.) Will come

Writing: 20 hours

Painting: 8 hours

Selling my writings and paintings: 2 hours

Travel (to explore the nooks and crannies of this Earth): 8 hours

Getting good sleep: 70 hours

Budgeting: 7 hours

Today's budget:

Today I woke up a little after 8 am. Ate my breakfast, smoked a cigarette, and was out of the house by 9. I bought cigarettes for 20 bucks, and reached work at 10 am on a 20 buck rickshaw fare. I finished off the tasks for today with a little tussle, had a chat with Vimesh and Mash. (Will improve my work). I read the My Fair Lady script for about an hour, played with Chat GPT for work and otherwise for about 2 hours. Did not watch YouTube. And chatted with my colleagues, smoked cigarettes, and ate. Does that account for all my time?

I'm going out to meet some screenwriters. I will spend about 1k on food, travel and cigarettes. I think I should really stop living beyond my means. I'll be spending about 1.1k for the day. Will update the budget at the end of the day.

I hope to end the day on a high note.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for the deep sleep I get each night. I am so lucky. It's also thanks to Pa's Conybio mat.

I am grateful for money. I'm so happy I have money with me to go out for drinks.

I am grateful for this beautiful, wonderful life. It is adorned by my family, my friends, and my experiences.

I am grateful that I write and paint. Half the thing with talent is getting out of your comfort zone.

I am grateful for my relatives like Mashi and Munima. They are a delight.

(I got up to smoke a cigarette with Sanika and to talk to Sah Lihala. spent about 20 minutes on that.)

I am grateful for my self-confidence.

I am grateful for this beautiful, wonderful life.

I am grateful for Bu. He is a blessing.

I am grateful for Sady and Melon. I really hope Bu and Sady's relationship stands the test of time.

I am grateful for my job. It teaches me a lot.

I am grateful for my wonky eyes. They are beautiful.

I am grateful for my friends. They are my jewels.

I am grateful for my phone.

I am grateful for my body.

I am grateful for love, and life.

Love,

Me.

6.29 pm

Journal 30.5.2023 5.44 pm

 Dear Journal,

My days are going slowly. The work is light, and I often find myself bored and lazy.

On top of that, AI has taken over.

We were told today by Mash that there would be lay-offs as we lost a client today.

I also plan to not spend on stupid things like palm readings and take the family out to Mahesh Lunch Home.

I feel like if I carry on a more organised day I can achieve much more.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all people and everything.

5.47 pm

Journal 29.5.2023 10.54 am

 Dear Journal,

Last night in the car Sady popped a pill. I asked her if everything is alright. I was admonished by Bu for being curious.

I also kept thinking about the times Ma has complained about me to strangers. It makes me feel slightly sad to be bitched about.

I am sitting in office. I have to work on the Shilpa summer look post.

I have nary a thought in my head. I am calm as the summer breeze.

I think I'll finish the Shilpa summer look post and work on some personal writing.

Some of my old pics on Insta show me as thin as a reed with sunken eyes.

I look forward to Bu's wedding.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful day. The day is full.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for my colleagues.

I am grateful for this beautiful life.

I am grateful for my inner beauty.

I am grateful for my outer beauty.

I am grateful for this dress I'm wearing, gifted by JD and gang.

I am grateful for this wonderful chappal.

I am grateful for air.

I am grateful for water. It nourishes me.

I am grateful for my phone.

I am happy that I write this journal.

I am happy to be alive.

I am happy for coffee.

11.05 am

Journal 29.5.2023 12.17 am

Dear Journal,

I really wish to quit smoking.

We went to watch Sound of Music, the Broadway show. It was spectacular.

I easily tear up is what I realised.

There is a certain grief in me.

However, as the day drew to a close I realised that I will be able to forgive myself.

At the end of the day it's about choosing happiness in each moment.

Sady is a good girl. She has a cool sense of fashion. It's very breezy.

Bu and Sady have a lot of friends.

I don't have as many friends.

There may be a million reasons to feel sad but even one glimmer of joy is worth grasping.

I don't know why but I worry about Bu.

We watched the play in a box with a lounge experience.

A good day.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my beautiful life.

I am grateful for this beautiful day that has gone past and the beautiful day before me.

I am grateful for my lovely family. So grateful that Sady is family.

I am grateful for my inner and outer beauty.

I am grateful for Bu. I've had some wonderful experiences thanks to him. I wish him and Sady a long healthy happy life ahead. 

I am grateful for all my experiences good and bad. They have shaped me.

I am grateful for my husband. Whoever the lucky man is I am glad to have him.

I am grateful for the wonderful dinner I ate in the lounge. It was delish.

I am grateful for my resilience. I am a strong, powerful woman.

I am grateful for all my friends. They are a blessing.

I am grateful for mistakes I've made. They have been learning experiences.

I am grateful for Sady. She is such a good girl.

I am grateful for Ma and Pa. They bring deep meaning into my life.

I am grateful for Bu. He is my reason to love.

I am grateful for quitting smoking. Which I will. I am free 

I am grateful for Melon. He is my pulse.

I am grateful for this vast beautiful life.

12.31 am

Journal 26.5.2023 9.46 pm

Dear Journal,

I am just waiting for the metro at this unearthly hour. It's been over 12 hours out of home.

Sho is a little cranky. His messages are cut dry. And a little confrontational.

I just think I should be able to express myself better.

Just got into the Metro.

I was ready to make a move at 7.30 pm today but I stuck around because Vim wanted me to.

What hurts deep in my subconscious is that I've burnt many bridges. Let many relationships go. Let many friendships die. 

I called Ma back today and the conversation led to me telling her I'm going to Raheja tomorrow. She was so discouraging. Ma and Pa have rarely been encouraging. They always ask me to sleep and take rest. So stupid.

There is a baby crying in the Metro.

However, sleeping and taking rest are things which only our parents tell us to do. But for a person who herself doesn't rest, Ma is big on advising rest cures.

(Reminds me of the short story The Unrest Cure by Saki.)

These long hours at work are not totally sustainable may be.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this wonderful day. It played put pretty well.

I am grateful for all my colleagues. They are jovial and hardworking. 

I am grateful for Mumbai's Metro. It makes travelling to Kurla easier.

I am grateful for my job. It is rejuvenating.

I am grateful  for Ma and Pa. They care, they love, they accept.

I am grateful for each thing I learn each day. Life is interesting.

I am grateful for all my friends. They are a joy.

I am grateful for Bu. He is a delight to know.

I am grateful for love and life. The true blessings.

I am grateful for money. It shapes, it gives.

I am grateful for copywriting. A true love.

I'm grateful for my future. It is inviting.

10.00 pm

Journal 26.5.2023 12.29 pm

 Dear Journal,

I woke up in the morning having dreamt a cryptic dream as most dreams go.

I was in a room relaxing, and some people in the adjacent room filled with dark blue velvet cushions tell us to leave because a film is being shot. I walk down the stairs with a friend (can't recognise her now), discussing Avani (who was not present). And I say "She is bound to be like this, she is interested in her work. So that influences her character."Then I woke up.

I think it means I take my career seriously. I believe if you work well that influences your character. The scenes preceding that where I am told to leave because a film is being shot means I feel there is some injustice against me ( can't pinpoint what). I could have become part of the film. I may occupy myself  with filmmaking in the near future. Maybe I should take my wish to be a part of the film industry seriously.

I woke up at 8.25 am to an alarm. I was super groggy.

Vimesh got a lot of fafda jalebi because his daughter's 12th results are out. Ate my fill.

I have finished the little work, scheduled for today.

I am blessed to be alive with parents who are so cute. I'm wearing clownish clothes today. 

I forgot to get my tarot deck to play with the guys in office.

I seek to be rich, loved, lovely, happy, wise and brave,

I seek to foster good relationships

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this wonderful life. It blesses me with much good fortune.

I am grateful for my fingers. Because they type, I write.

I am grateful for my parents. They are my lifeline.

I am grateful for Bu. He is my raison d'étre.

I am grateful for food. It nourishes me.

I am grateful for my clothes and my chappals.

I am grateful for my mind, body spirit.

I am grateful for my emotions.

I am happy to be alive.

I am happy I made it to office today. A part of me wanted to call in sick today.

I am happy for my job. It pays.

I am happy to write this journal.

I love my life.

12.46 pm

 

Journal 26.5.2023 12.45 am

Dear Journal,

I met Kali for a few beers. I kept quiet throughout because I was feeling self-conscious because of my ranting on Facebook.

I learnt so many things from him.

He is such a creative-minded, happy soul. He is so full of life. He is well-travelled and interesting. I'm blessed that I meet people who want to connect with me.

I learnt that my boss and a girl in the office are having an affair.

Love affairs that are truly solid are hard to find.

I want to take Ma and Pa to Europe, southeast Asia and Japan and Australia. May be even the US.

He even read my palm.

He said I'll make a lot of money.

Now, that's something to look forward to.

I've come back home late and Pa didn't call even once.

I feel a little guilty for not being able to spend time with my Shonapa.

I realise these days that I absolutely adore my family. I love my little brother to bits.

I'm so happy that I have such a sweet family. It's because of Ma and Pa  and their sweet nature that our family is so solidly grounded in love.

I'm truly blessed.

Advertising is a lot of showbaazi.

I'm such a lucky girl.

I've also been feeling that I'm not really special. Am I? I'm just like any other woman my age.

I miss my Dimmom and Dadu and Thama.

Hopefully, their blessings will always shine on me. Hopefully, the blessings of my ancestors will always remain.

Love makes the world go around.

It's a truly wonderful world. And I have so many things to be thankful for.

Good night sweet journal, my friend.

Writing this Journal makes me feel like I do have a blessed life.

I have so many things happening in my life.

I wish I could spend more time with my parents and my brother.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful for this wonderful beautiful life.

I am grateful for all my experiences, positive and negative.

I'm grateful for all the food I eat.

I'm grateful for my friends.

I am thankful that I'm showing dedication at work.

I am thankful that I'm healthy.

I'm thankful for discovering Glutathione.

I love my life. I love all my experiences. I love all the people who grace my life.

Journal 25.5.2023 5.25 pm

 Dear Journal,

Ash Jang called. It's good to be remembered by friends. It is good to live life.

Life is pretty good. I'm really looking forward to quitting smoking and going through SoM without smoking.

I've been pretty attracted to this Law of Attraction philosophy. It's true that what you imagine will be the future turns out exactly that way. Also, keeping this gratitude journal is empowering. Paying gratitude keeps you in the driver's seat as far as your own happiness is concerned.

I'm sure that if I have positive thoughts my environment will reflect it.

Now and then I'm calling myself stupid for the whole sm ranting. I know it has its effect.

I'm trying to be as positive as possible.

I love my beautiful life. I have perfect parents, a handsome sweet more than capable brother, a perfect home, food to eat, a job many would die for, and this beautiful amazing dream.

I dream and I live, and I've often caught myself floating with the clouds. Thinking of alien lands far away and I've hallucinated to glory.

I sometimes crave to live Ash Jang's career of a film scriptwriter. And I know I will. I have to complete my SWA registration.

Many of my girl friends from yore don't talk to me that much anymore. And I'm surrounded by guys. Eskay was actually jealous of me hanging out with my guy friends.

I don't really miss Shanky. He is loud and too obvious and too much of a put on. And he sweet talks everybody. But I've met a lot of people through him, and I'm grateful to him for giving me his time.

I hope to find a sweet guy who would love me for who I am and take me as I am.

I wish Bu would focus on the positives. I love him.

I also hope to mint money to glory. I just broke a nail I was playing with with my teeth.

I just don't seem to have time to sit and write my novel. Just 30 minutes. Not more is what is required. The thing is my room is strewn with paintings that need to be put into the painting drawer. Shall do so today.

So much of what I write in my journal is only about me. I talk about Ma and Pa but I don't write too much about them.

Ma is a sweet soul who I think talks too much. That's an advantage because in a social situation there's no boredom if she is present. She is chirpy, sweet, cute, highly intelligent, and breathtakingly beautiful.

She is one of the best teachers life could have given me. She shouts, screams, cribs, but all that is nullified by her sweet demeanour.

Pa on the other hand is quiet, staid, and lovely. His huge heart can accommodate all of us. He tends to be a little bitter sometimes and his words can be acerbic. However, his heart is in the right place. He is excruciatingly protective of me and a responsible sort of father. In fact, very responsible.

I love my cute sweet parents.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my two beautiful, lion-hearted parents. They are my heartbeat.

I am grateful for my sweet, cute, handsome, courageous brother.  He is my everything.

I am grateful for my friends. They fill my life with love and laughter.

I am grateful for the food I eat. It is delicious and nourishes me.

I am grateful for my home. It is my sweet nest.

I am grateful for my job. It is the reason I'm secure.

I am grateful for water. I love the taste of water.

I am grateful for painting. Painting is a blessing.

I am grateful for the films and plays I've done. I'm grateful for the opportunities.

I am grateful for coffee. It is simply yummy.

I am grateful for my clothes and shoes.

I am grateful for my hair.

I am grateful for my mind, body, and spirit.

I am grateful for my jewellery.

I am grateful for shopping.

I am grateful for all the million reasons my heart feels whole. It's been a while since it's felt full though.

I am grateful for my beauty.

I am grateful for medicines.

I am grateful for good doctors.

I am grateful for this journal.

I am happy that I had good interactions today.

I am happy that apart from feeling a little sleepy I focused on work today.

I am happy that my work gives me free time to surf the net.

I am happy to use the Quit Sure app. (This is the third time I'm using it. I hope it works.)

I am happy as a rabbit in a field.

6.00 pm 

 

Journal 25.5.2023 3.55 pm

 Dear Journal,

I am feeling super sleepy.

Love,

Me.

Journal 25.5.2023 10.25 am

 Dear Journal,

I remember the last bit of my dream before I woke up.

I ask Nai for a timetable. I have been unwell and I would like to go back to school/college. This shows my eagerness to acclimatize with regular life. I begin to copy the timetable and I wake up. I copy chemistry and that's it.

This probably shows that Nai and I lack chemistry, and there is a lot for me to learn about chemistry -- the kind between two humans.

The mornings are hurried before I can make an exit for work. 

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this wonderful job. It keeps me going and I have a lot to learn over here.

I am grateful for my wonderful home. It is a haven of love, laughter, smiles, and many joys.

I am grateful that Bu booked us tickets for SoM. I look forward to it.

I am grateful for my mind. It is loving, kind and teaches me so much.

I am grateful for my colleagues. They are jovial and helpful.

I am grateful for my parents. They are my cutehearts.

I am grateful for Bu and Sady. They make life amazing.

I am grateful for Melon. He is my jaan.

I am grateful for my clothes. They shape my personality.

I am grateful for this blog journal. It has been very helpful.

I am happy that I went to a dance bar yesterday. I got out of my comfort zone.

I am happy that I'm at work today. I feel ready to face the day.

I am happy that I did yoga last night. It feels good to do yoga.

Journal 25.5.2023 12.16 am

Dear Journal,

After work today I went with Ank Goy to a dance bar. Sat there for about 20 minutes with a beer and left.

It felt weird. I was the object of everybody's stares there. Anyway my wish of visiting a dance bar was fulfilled today.

It was Ma and Pa's anniversary. Bu booked them a paid for table at Bayroute. Ma looked so cute in the blue cham Cham saree. 

Sho called a while ago, ranted, and then ended the call. I don't know but he seems kind of selfish. May be he is going through his own personal problems. Which I know he is. He spoke about some girl he wants to marry. Then why is he calling me I wonder.

Even Sand adman called when I was in the metro. He is kind of cool and chilled.

I ended things with that Nit guy on telegram. I told him we don't have anything in common. He seemed kind of hurt.

Also, some guy called Abhi who keeps asking me if I know everything from his profile on Aisle messaged today.

I really don't appreciate random calls without prior messages from strangers. But one guy has been calling me up at any random time.

Anyway, I'm available and wanted.

Ank Goy actually looks kind of cute these days.

I finally managed to do 4 asanas today.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my parents. I love them.

I am grateful for this beautiful home. It has many sweet memories woven into its walls.

I am grateful for the amazing dinner I ate today. I am blessed.

I am grateful for friendships. Friends are truly treasures.

I am grateful for my wonderful amazing life. It is full of brilliant experiences.

I am happy that I was in a good mood today. A good night's sleep is a blessing.

I am happy for having a fruitful day at work today. My work is a blessing.

I am happy that I did yoga today. The fact that

I can do Halasana is a blessing.

12.31 am

Journal 24.05.2023 7.21 pm

 Dear Journal,

It's Ma and Pa's wedding anniversary today. It is also Momo's birthday.

I'm so lucky to have such loving parents. They have truly left no stone unturned in giving me a good life within their means. It is my dream to take the two of them on an international trip -- somewhere in Europe. 

Sho is really depressed. He is having a tough time at his workplace. I don't know what much I can tell him. I've been in that dark place myself. 

I hope to be able to celebrate with Ma and Pa today but I'm still stuck at work. Maybe I'll buy a cake and go home.

Yesterday, Ni Pan messaged me asking me to meet him. When I asked him to come home (Ma and Pa were not there) he said he was tired. Eh?

Any way life is truly amazingly beautiful.

Buo has booked tickets for Sound of Music (the Broadway version) on Sunday. That will be truly mindblowing.

I think I'll give Ma 8K bucks cash on her birthday. That will make her truly happy.

I'm so lucky to have friends. I am so lucky.

I have a beautiful blessed life.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for everyone in my life.

I am grateful for my experiences.

I am grateful for everything I have.

I am blessed to have home, hearth and hearts.

7.30 pm 

Shave off all the impurities

 As I shave all impurities off me

I am relieved and lighter

By a few hairs. The process

Is enlightening, and joyous,

And fruitful and brings a glow

To my mind that is ever-evolving

as I shave the hairs.

Journal 23.5.2023 4.48 pm

 Dear Journal,

For 12 years I was at it, chanting NMRK. I always felt like I was part of a cult but I kept at it because of my family.

Finally, 12 years later I asked one of them why I hadn't been made a leader yet.

I was permanently expelled from the SGI. 

This just goes to show that they don't practice what they preach. I was told I'm disharmonious for questioning the study (sic) 2-3 times.

Can't say I was not hurt. I have been dealing with mental health issues, and there was no compassion in sight.

Ma practises, and she invites people over. She had promised me she wouldn't, but when has Ma ever stuck to a promise?

I feel that it's not just society, but even people at home like Bu who judge me quite harshly.

There is love of course. But kindness is lacking. Ma is always screaming at the top of her voice, and she is a little too strong-headed. Once she, Bu, and Pa form an opinion there is no exiting. Pa has harsh, discouraging opinions.

I was also feeling sad about the scar on my head that resulted from Ma throwing a pair of scissors at me.

I actually feel kind of lonely and misunderstood.

I think the only thing I can do is rely on the 'no negative reaction' rule I have set for myself. 

I have become awfully quiet in social situations from a fear of being judged.

I feel like there is a lack of friends in my life.

I'm eating wafers in the office. (A great joy).

I feel that I contribute much more to society than I am.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful that I've left the SGI. I am away from their disrespect and brainwashing.

I am grateful for this beautiful life. It is majestic, and truly beautiful.

I am grateful for my healthy brain and healthy mind. It keeps me joyous and positive in the face of odds.

I am grateful for the cute guy who will marry me. I an happy that I hope.

I am grateful for potato chips. One of mankind's greatest inventions.

I am grateful for my parents. With all their faults they are wholly wonderful, interesting people.

I am grateful for birds. They are a pleasure to watch.

I am grateful I paint, A true delight.

I am grateful for this job. It is rejuvenating.

I am grateful that I have experienced love in my life. I feel I am blessed.

I am grateful that I'm writing this journal. I can write. I can read. That is wondrous.

I am grateful to be out of the SGI. It is definitely a cult.

I am grateful for this pretty heart, mind and body. I am happy!

I am grateful for time. It is a privilege.

I am grateful for Bu. He is a pleasure to know.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am happy.

Love,

Me.

5.10 pm

Journal 23.05.2023 10.55 am

 Dear Journal,

I don't feel like writing anything till I don't really feel like doing it.

I feel a little pain over my past behaviour in a deluded state.

I think the motto should be to keep pushing yourself till it becomes a habit.

I met a cute guy yesterday. He was nice to talk to.

I will push myself today to achieve my work goals. I need to cut my nails.

I'm such a lucky girl.

I have a desire to have a steady relationship.

I feel like reading something.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful that I am tenacious. I have faced odds, but against all of them I've persevered and conquered ill circumstances.

I am grateful for my friends. They are a blessing.

I am grateful that Sa Lih sends me what he writes. It's a comfort to read.

I am grateful for my parents. They are sho shweet and sho cute.

I am grateful for my amazing job.

I am grateful for all my experiences. They have been beautiful.

I am grateful for my mind, spirit and body.

I am grateful for flowers.

I am grateful for trees.

I am grateful for water.

I am grateful that I've exited the Soka Gakkai. The whole practice has lost its meaning for me.

I am grateful for my brain, my nervous system, and my mind.

I am grateful for books.

11.07 am

 

Journal 22.5.2023 3.05 pm

 Dear Journal,

I am super sleepy today. I've been yawning to glory, and pumping myself with coffee, and of course making typos.

Apart from a little work, I have done zilch today.

I really wish to quit smoking. Smoking doesn't help in any way. So far, today has proven to be highly unproductive.

Sho has been messaging. He seems to be depressed. I know that space, where nothing satisfies. It may happen when the goals are huge and one is not moving towards it.

Don't kill me. Love me. He has been saying things to the effect of wanting to end things with his life. That is why I am compelled to support him, at least as a listener.

I haven't done yoga in over a week.

I feel like sitting back and watching a movie on my office laptop.

Life is amazing!

Love,

Me,

I am  grateful for love. I live, I love.

I am grateful for coffee. A perfect cup is pure pleasure.

I am grateful for my job. It is a means to achieve my goals.

I am grateful for my beautiful mind.

I am grateful for this wonderful life.

I am grateful for all the people in my life. I treasure them.

I am grateful for all my experiences. They make life entertaining.

I am grateful for money. It fulfils me.

I am grateful for love. A powerful emotion; it can move mountains.

I am grateful that soon I will quit smoking.

I am grateful I paint. It completes me.

I am grateful for the plays I've done so far. They complete me.

I am grateful for Nature (the sun and moon). Nature is always glorious to watch.

I am happy that I have been sitting in one place patiently.

I am happy to make it to work on time.

I am happy that I had a good lunch session with my colleagues.

I am happy that I had a chat with Avinash.

I am happy that I share such a good relationship with Ma and Pa and Buro.

I am happy that Buro is coaching.

I am happy to live, love, and laugh.

I am happy for my beautiful body and beautiful mind.

3.23 pm

Journal 22.5.2023 10.35 am

 Dear Journal,

Yesterday was a good day. I spoke to Ank Go -- he looks cuter these days.

So Pand's party was a decent sombre affair. The lasagna was perfect.

I felt self-conscious throughout the party. Ma has such sweet friends.

I visited an astrologer in the evening. I go in the hopes of hearing something nice. 

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my friends. They are the jewels of my life.

I am grateful for my parents. They are sweet.

I am grateful for my job. It is a blessing.

I am grateful for my fingers and hands. They do so much. They type, and write, and paint.

I am grateful for my colleagues. They are a blessing.

I am grateful for all the people who grace my life.

I am grateful for Bu, Melon and Sady.

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I am grateful for love and life.

I am happy that I reached work on time today.

I am happy that I've started working today.

I am happy to eat.

Journal 21.5.2023 1.29 am

Dear Journal,

I went two pubs hopping with Ni Pan. He is well read, and a voracious reader. Interesting guy.

I came back. Popped pills. And lightly bantered with Sho on whatsapp. Sho was in office till 1 am he said. He doesn't chat that much these days.

I'm feeling slightly lost and lonely. May be because I also indulged in some self love. Just a little.

I need to achieve much more than I have. Several others are far ahead. But of course I must not compare.

I need to earn much more money. That I really need to.

I need to sell my art. I need to find avenues to sell my art.

I need to work on my novel. That is on my bucket list.

I need to quit smoking. That will give me more time and money.

I need to forgive myself for my abominable behaviour. I must come to terms with my ranting on sm. Many people rant. The Shanky kinds. Most people don't. I am ashamed of myself for ranting thus.

I am grateful for this beautiful life. There is so much meaning to life. There is so much beauty in it.

I am grateful for friends like Ni Pan. He is a good person to talk to.

I am grateful for my job. It gives me a sense of direction and flow.

I am grateful for my mind. It is a beautiful, decent, virtuous bit of me.

I am grateful for food. I ate kebabs and fish and tandoori and corn. I am satiated.

I am grateful for money. I can spend it and save it as I wish. It gives me freedom.

I am grateful for advertising. It is a crucial part of industrialism. It is growth.

I am grateful I paint. It allows me to express myself in colour.

I am grateful I read. It opens my mind.

I am grateful that I write. It allows me to express myself freely.

I am grateful for Dadu, Dimma, Dada and Thama. Their genes fill my soul.

I am grateful for all those I have lost to death. I am grateful to them for gracing my life.

I am grateful for my soul. It is luminescent.

I am grateful for my body.it allows me freedom.

I am grateful for my cousins. They are a part of me.

I am grateful that I have experienced breakdowns. They have allowed me to be more conscious, conscientious, and mindful. They have made me a compassionate, understanding, loving human being.

I am grateful for cinema. Apart from the technicalities that I love observing, they open my mind.

I am grateful for music. It touches my soul.

I am grateful for tomorrow's dinner invite. I am looking forward to it.

I am grateful for water. It nourishes me.

I am grateful for parlours. They allow me care and some me time.

Love,

Me.

1.53 am

Journal 20.5.2023 7.58 pm

Dear Journal,

So I broadcasted my Saatchi profile page on WhatsApp and two people messaged me saying they don't want messages from me.

There are two possibilities: Either they are egoistic or they are in a bad space themselves. Whatever the reason may be I blocked both of them so that I don't message them again by mistake. Many people didn't reply. And then of course there was that heavy hearted feeling.

It all turned out okay as I helped Kali with a script. He then gave me a lift home.

I myself have slighted people in the past. I understand what mindspace such behaviour comes from. I truly understand.

Sadhya messaged me. It was nice talking to her. She is a good girl.

Came home and Ma made me cold coffee.

Must show more initiative at work.

I hope people checked out my Saatchi profile.

I really hope to sell my art. I have been trying for so long.

Also initiated my swa membership registration. Will pay for it with the little money I have. I hope to quit smoking.

This art selling business I haven't given up. I will never give up.

Tomorrow I have to go to Worli in the afternoon and then SoPands home at night. Looking forward to a happy and bright Sunday.

Meeting Ni Pan now for some time.

Forgiveness is a gift. It's the best gift you can give someone.

I also realise I'm quite into my looks.

I hope to sleep well tonight.

I'll do the Quit Sure app again.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my job. It is rejuvenating and pays my bills.

I am grateful that my work is up on Saatchi. People say they like it. I'll get better with time.

I am grateful for Sadhya. She is so mature.

I am grateful for Eshna and Koena. I love them to bits.

I am grateful for all my relatives. They are a blessing.

I am grateful for my parents. They love me unconditionally.

I am grateful for my soul. It is beautiful.

I am grateful for my body. It is my means to connect with the world.

I am grateful for this beautiful Universe and its wonders.

I am grateful for this magnificent Earth.

I am grateful for music. Heard a little Blaaze today. Groovy.

I am grateful for money. It can sure buy you a lot of things.

I am grateful for the people who tolerate me despite my mood swings. It's good to know that there are people in my life who are tolerant. I should be tolerant too.

I am grateful for my family. They are my succour.

I am grateful for my home. It is beautiful and lovely. My homely nest.

I am grateful for my friends. They are a blessing.

I am grateful for cars. I will drive one some day.

I am grateful for my dreams and aspirations.  They keep me recharged.

I am grateful for Mash. He is a jovial, fun-loving person.

I am grateful for Ni Pan. I am grateful that he is coming to meet me.

I am grateful for Shanky. I've been blessed to experience his friendship.

I am grateful for the food that nourishes me. It's one of the joys of life.

I am grateful for books. They are a treasure.

I am grateful for me. I am whole.

I am grateful for Amazon and Flipkart.

I love, I live, I laugh.

I am happy I had a good conversation with kali today. To have a good conversation is a joy.

I am happy that I was healthy today.

I am happy that I connected with a few friends on WhatsApp today.

I am happy that I love my parents and treat them well. I am blessed to have such amazing parents.

I am happy that I love.

Love,

Me.

8.24 pm

Journal 20.5.2023 8.21 am

Dear Journal,

The heart seeks what it seeks.

It seeks great conversations. 

It seeks love manifold.

It seeks rapture untold.

After yesterday's date I'm a little wary of going on more dates.

Will I find someone? Will I have children? I hope to.

Life is really so simple.

God is everywhere. In the sun, the moon, the wind, the trees, in the butterflies, the bees and the seas, in the guy who irons my clothes, and in the prolific superstar actor.

Yesterday's date was such a bummer. 

Today is a vastly brilliant beautiful day.

Seizing it I am! Conquer it I will!

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for everything.

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I am grateful for the guy I met yesterday and the chocolate he gave me.

I am grateful for all the lessons learnt.

I am grateful for every person my life encounters. 

I am grateful for my mind.

8.30 am

Journal 19.5.23 11.33 pm

Dear Journal,

Blah blah blah. My date was so blah.

He was not interested in me at all.

I mean he made eye contact but he didn't ask me even how I'm doing or anything about myself. May be he didn't like what he saw. Specsy.

I on the other hand i learnt a lot of things about him.

Where he works, what he does, what he likes or doesn't like.

I delayed him. It's his birthday tomorrow.

We got lost driving around.

But to understate it the Date was plain boring.

Naseeb hi khoti lag Rahi.

I haven't met an interesting guy in a long time.

I ache for a nice long interesting conversation. Some nice loving. Some nice canoodling. 

He said something stupid like do you want to lock eyes.

I find people who don't read a little stupid.

I asked him if he reads and he said he gets 250 emails everyday.

Bah!

To be honest to read 250 emails everyday does take effort.

Anyway, another one done and dusted.

But he did something sweet.

He got newspapers to sit on at the beach. He got chips and bought beer. And he brought me a chocolate. That I thought was sweet.

Rs 2000 notes are now getting demonetized.

Lord save this country.

I feel that I should travel abroad. Explore the world. And I will.

Pa has not yet arrived from Pondicherry.

It's a glorious night when I will get sweet deep sleep with sweet deep dreams.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this wonderful bed and the conybio mat. It gives me intensely deep sleep.

I am grateful that I was sweet to my boring date. Hopefully I'll find someone nice.

I am grateful for this wonderful life. It's gifts are wondrous.

I am grateful for this beautiful lovely heart and mind. It opens my eyes to the gazillion possibilities. 

I am grateful for my body. It's the temple for my soul.

I am grateful for my soul. It's aura is sweet and lovely.

I am grateful for music. It covered awkward pauses on my boring date.

I am grateful for books. They teach me. They lead me.

I am grateful for my goals. They are guiding posts. 

I am grateful for all my experiences. They have made wonderful me.

I am grateful for Ma. She is interesting, sweet and lovely. 

I am grateful for Pa. He is kind, wise and loving. 

11.52pm

Journal 19.5.23 7.29 pm

Dear Journal,

The walk-through script made the cut. Even the radio scripts were accepted; Mash only wants more options. Sigh!

I had a reasonably rejuvenating day. Kali asked me to write a film script for him. It was fun working on it. However, he overhauled my version to create one of his own.

Happy with the day! Now I am going to meet a stranger. Let's see how it goes.

Pa should be back home from Pondicherry. Online tests for schizophrenia show me asymptomless.

Ai has eased a writer's life but with that fewer seek the services of a professional writer.

Hopefully, the evening will end on a good note.

I have work tomorrow.

Blessed to be alive and well with various gifts Providence has bestowed on me.

Life is truly amazing!

Ma wants to go and catch sound of Music. Bu she said will pay for the tickets. That should be fun :)

Love,

Me

I am grateful for my rejuvenating, interesting job. It not only pays me, but is allowing me to grow and learn.

I am grateful for my fun colleagues. They are jovial, hardworking, and a blessing to be around.

I am grateful for my brain and my mind. It is vast, beautiful, and lovely.

I am grateful for my personality. I could be interesting. I have many interests, and I'm willing to learn.

I am grateful for my upcoming novel. It will be a hit.

I am grateful for my parents. They are my kaleje ka tukda.

I am grateful for Bu. He is interesting, smart, and good company. He is the most handsome man I know.

I am grateful for all the people who shape my life. I am truly blessed to live the life I am living.

I am grateful for my friends of the past, the present, and the future. They are gems.

I am grateful for all my experiences. They are unique, and make me who I am. I am truly blessed.

I am grateful for my ideas. They are unique, interesting, and make me who I am.

I am grateful for this beautiful Earth and all its many wonders.

I am grateful for my vast, blessed life. It is amazing that I live the life I do.

I am grateful for my date this evening. It's always good to meet someone new.

I am grateful for all my hobbies. They shape me.

I am grateful that I write poetry. It's a blessing.

I am grateful for the little suffering I have faced. It has taught me everything I need to know.

I am grateful for my future husband. I am sure he is just around the corner.

I am grateful for my phone. It allows me to update my Journal while in the metro.

I am happy that I was focused and my work was accepted today.

I am happy that I had pleasant interactions with my colleagues.

I am happy that I did not continue to be angry last night with MA and ended the night by kissing her.

I am grateful for my life, and all its blessings.

I love life.

I love me.

I love everybody.

7.50 pm

Journal 19.5.23 1.35 pm

 Dear Journal,

I'm feeling extremely groggy. Had a walkthrough discussion with Mash. Got to be careful and use the active voice. Thankfully, he did not completely trash my work.

I always feel uneasy before a presentation as if my work is going to be completely rejected. Presentation is the key. 

I have not been working on my novel. Got to get out of this sleepiness.

Got to work with more effort and care. It's happening. It will happen.

Tomorrow hopefully is a holiday.

The day for the blind date has arrived. Not particularly excited. Let's see how it goes. Hopefully, there will be pleasant conversation and booze.

I seem to have lost my enthusiasm.

CHATGPT IS SIMPLY AMAZING!

Enthusiasm is the key to success.

Love is the key to success.

Vision is the key to success.

Life is the key to success.

Practice is the key to success.

Ingenuity and brilliance come from perseverance and patient practice.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my job because it rejuvenates me and pays my bills.

I am grateful for my colleagues who are jovial and sunny.

I am grateful for my future, which is bright and promising.

I am grateful for my boss. He is sharp, well-informed, and encouraging.

I am grateful for time. I should use it effectively.

I am grateful for my family and friends. They are my source of joy.

I am grateful for this laptop. It keeps me occupied and allows me to do my work well.

I am grateful for the Internet. It ensures a world of connectivity.

I am grateful for this beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for money. It can buy happiness.

I am grateful for this beautiful mind, and beautiful heart. It makes me happy.

I am grateful for every experience, and everything I possess.

PS: Today instead of taking the metro I took a rick. Was on the phone with Sho till 12 am. Arrived late. Ordered food. Got to curb expenditure.

I am happy because I'm writing this journal.

I am happy because I am grateful.

I am happy because I'm working.

I am happy because I'm alive and well.

I am happy because I have a desire to quit smoking.

I live, I love, I laugh.

1.54 pm

Journal 18.5.2023 9.12 pm

Dear Journal,

I am loathe to switch on my laptop right now. I would rather go to sleep after meditating and a little light yoga, and of course after eating dinner.

Ma is literally addicted to her phone. She and Buro are always on their phone. Buro at least reads. Ma is glued to WhatsApp. There is no real conversation in this house. I'm far too critical I feel.

I hope Bu is doing well. As in well in every way. I hope his health is fine, and that his finances are fine, and that we get along all our lives. Today, I checked out digicams on Amazon. It's been my wish to buy one for myself.

I think from today May 18 to August 20 I won't buy any luxuries.

I'm quite the spendthrift. I've spent so much money on clothes. I must budget and I must quit smoking. I can at least chase one goal. The no spending goal is a good one. Then I'll extend it further.

Also, I want to be able to put  at least 15k in ppf, 10k to PA, and 5k to ma on her birthday.

I wonder what people think of me. Apart from a few people I'm not really in touch with anyone from school and college.

I hope to make new friends.

I hope to make real meaningful connections.

I hope to live a fulfilling life.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my bed and my Conybio mat. It aids me to sleep deeply each night.

I am grateful for yoga. It strengthens me physically and spiritually.

I am grateful for my job. It's a huge blessing.

I am grateful for my beautiful wonderful life.

I am grateful for Bu, Sadhya, and Melon.

I am grateful for the equanimity of my mind.

I am grateful for my heart that has felt full and whole in the past.

I am grateful for great friends.

I am grateful that I write. I don't know how well I write, but I enjoy it, and that matters the most.

I am grateful for dimma, dadu, thama.

I'm grateful for all the deceased in my life. I pray for them to be born in better circumstances.

I am grateful for my beautiful brain. 

I am grateful for my beautiful heart and lungs.

I am grateful for my wonderful body.

9.28 pm

The transformation of the gut

The gut wrenches in shame and guilt

And you feel like a flower that wilts,

Fallen to the ground, to be trampled

And curried; this is what happens when

You act hurried, unsure, but sure of

Imaginations profound but unsound

That take over your reality.

The dark cloud has not visited us

In quite a while even though the rains

Are here there is sunshine and smiles;

To know for sure the Truth of becoming

More than you are and possess more

Than you have; to see beyond the horizons

With a vision clear and gold.

The dream is to be the many colours of life, 

Somebody's daughter, somebody's sister,

And somebody's wife, not to say life 

Is devoid of strife, but joyous about little

Blessings and love that cuts like a knife;

Life is what you make of it, the colours

Of happiness there then reside. 

To have a vision golden, big, and powerful

One may rely on discipline to reach the goal;

The gut is strengthened with many happy

Thoughts of forgiveness and courage and

Is nary in a knot, no more wilted, tighter

Than before, strength gathers around

For those now unbound.

Journal 18.5.23 7.51 pm

Dear Journal,

I just got into a Metro. Was dropped off by a greedy, badtameez rickshaw driver who didn't think he was accountable for a 5 minute stop at a gas station. Hmmm.

I had an okay day. It's largely due to the emotions I harboured within me.

I left early after a meeting, having finished the brochure, and after guiding Ajky on the Twitter banter.

I am sure I will see the silver lining on the cloud; I am sure I will cross the horizon into great glories.

Playing around with Chat GPT is a lot of fun.

Work is worship and that is the great warship.

I've troubled cops a lot over deluded complaints all my life. Recently, actually.

Let's see how the night unfolds.

I think I will meditate, do yoga and write.

I hope to quit smoking.

To see the many colours of life perform a dance is what schizophrenia is all about. Living the dance is reality.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my job. It is creative, fulfilling, and allows me to save towards bigger goals like buying a house.

I am grateful for my parents. They are loving, supportive, and good people.

I am grateful for my brother. I admire him, love him and hope to be a good support to him.

I am grateful for Sadhya. Although I don't talk to her that much she seems like a nice, smart girl.

I am grateful for Melon. He is cute, cuddly and great company.

I am grateful for good rickshaw drivers, who don't overcharge. They are good to talk to and a balm on a troubled day.

I am grateful for my phone. I connect to loved ones, and friends, and am connected to the world on it.

I am grateful for Sunil, Hamida aunty and gang. They are a common sight, good friends, and I am grateful to have them in my life.

I am grateful for the novel I'm writing. It is teaching me valuable lessons.

I am grateful for healthy food. It nourishes me and gives me a nice satisfying dopamine fix.

I am grateful for my friends. Although I don't talk to most of them that much they are a reminder of my youth and people who know my past.

I am grateful for my education. It has broadened my horizons.

Today, I had peaceful relations with my colleagues. I am happy that I am reaching out positively.

Today, I spent time exploring crucial life queries on Chat gpt. I am happy that I'm always on a journey to improve.

Today, I ate healthy. I am happy that I nourished my body, the seat of my soul.

Today, I stepped into a poor man's shoes. I am happy I am empathetic.

I am happy to go back home to MA.

I am happy to go home and do yoga and meditate.

I am grateful that there will be a healthy, sumptuous dinner waiting for me at home.

I am happy that Sho plans to call me up tonight. Something to look forward to.

Tomorrow I have a kind of blind date. Let's see how it goes.

Love,

Me.

Journal 18.5.2023 5.35 pm

 Dear Journal,

How deep can embarrassment go? And when it goes too deep how do you tackle it? Along With embarrassment I am dealing with feelings of shame and guilt.

I ranted on FB about how sv is the love of my life and wrote other rubbish, absolute rotten rubbish, slandering other people, and much more than that from a place of delusions and hallucinations.

I an schizotypal. The homoeopathy pills are amazing. I feel absolutely fine with them. I wrote things to the effect that buro is the reincarnation of rkph and that i am a reincarnation of ah.

I must be nuts. I really must be. 

I feel so ashamed and guilty, and so down in the pits because of it.

I hope to be understood but that is a little far cry.

I hope to be accepted, and not just out of courtesy.

I hope to forge bonds of valuable friendships.

I hope to understand other people who face feelings of shame and guilt.

I hope to surmount every challenge and be known as a champion.

I hope to be a champion of life.

Will I be able to sustain healthy living without medication?

There was one ray of hope -- Dr ES saying that there is nothing wrong with me. But there is. May be it's not quite so schizotypal but there must be some issue. I seek clarity.

Why do we hallucinate? I'll ask ChatGPT.

So there is one point that cgpt threw up that is interesting. Lack or overload of stimuli can induce hallucinations. Could this be the case?

Also, I took an online personality test and my EQ is strictly average. Thats what ES also said. According to her, that was the problem. May be it's the fact that I haven't had sex in over 4 years that I hallucinated.

I did watch a little porn. But I don't like watching porn. I don't even enjoy an overdose of sex. I'd much rather have healthy, playful conversations to begin with, in the middle, and in the end.

Lately, I have also been overpowered with the thought that I might not find someone nice. Plus that I might not find someone who understands me. Very few men turn me on these days.

I seek more social connect, a few good friends to talk to, and a vibrant social life.

I need to do a few things each day, even if for some time.

*Read something everyday.

*work on my novel.

*eat healthy food.

*exercise.

*meditation.

*update my journal

*sleep well

My seven-pronged strategy. 

I feel a little bit like a fool. Just a little. When the heart gets heavy with shame I feel absolutely guilty and pathetic, and I feel it shows. 

I wish to have better self-esteem, and be more confident.

Is reading on Chat GPT real reading? It's some reading.

At the end of the day, the small things matter more. The big things leave an impact. The small things leave a deeper impact.

I can't really remember my dreams these days. I sleep deep and fully.

Love,

Me.

5.59 pm 

Journal 18.5.2023 11.15 am

 Dear Journal,

As usual I arrived before time to work. I have been playing around with Chat GPT. 

I have a radio script to write. It better be compelling.

The joy of having a workplace to go to peaks because of the social interactions one may have.

I hope to enthrall the listeners with this script.

[I was called for a meeting of about 20 minutes so I took a break from this journal writing].

I have additional work on the Flamante brochure and allotment day script.

There is a lot of work today. No time to take a break.

They say that Schizophrenia affects those who live in poverty mainly. That sets me thinking.

Thankfully, owing to Ma and Pa we may not have had a lot of luxuries but we have always met our basic requirements. Has lack affected my mental health?

We grew up in a humble middle-class household, and now we have a beautiful home.

I do regret not studying at St. Stephens where I got admission. Pa has stopped me from achieving a lot of milestones. Regrets a few, but not so many.

Tasks for today:

1. Radio script

2. Flamante brochure

3. Allotment day script

I did the table top pose yesterday for a hundred counts before I fell asleep. That's all I could manage.

Sho seeks tarot guidance from me. He seems to be in low spirits.

Keeping this gratitude journal is really helping me be happy.

I hope there is some sweet guy for me. Someone who will care, who will listen, and who I get along with.

Most times I envision the worst as far as task outcomes are concerned. If I could just divert this pessimism to optimism I'm sure I could change the outcome for the better.

Ajky just came and told me the Flamante brochure is urgent. I'll set to work on it.

I want to travel solo to some place nice this year.

Things I can learn today:

Kindness

Time Management

Excellence

Self-care

Sharing love

Love,

Me

I am grateful for this wonderful job because of the many opportunities to surmount challenges

I am grateful for my expansive heart because it feels for all

I am grateful for a beautiful home because it allows me rest, and is where I spread joy and love

I am grateful for the Internet and its many wonders

I am grateful for this laptop because it makes my life easy

I am grateful for my watch. It's beautiful and dot on time.

I am grateful for these wonderful clothes I'm wearing. I love buying and trying out clothes.

I am grateful for Budgeting, which I will do carefully with my salary.

I am grateful for my family because that's how I know love.

I am grateful for my beautiful mother. She is sweet and lovely.

I am grateful for my future husband. I know my life will know joys untold with his presence.

I am grateful for money. The joys of life are nothing without money.

I am grateful for God and life. It's is magnaminous, majestic and truly ennobling to live.

I am grateful for all my experiences good and bad because they teach me, they shape me, they help me evolve.

I am grateful for my teachers and my education.

I am grateful for everything.

11.53 am

  

Journal 17.5.23 9.41 pm

Dear Journal,

I had a reasonably good day. Ma's pink frock was the highlight of the day.

I took my time with the Flamante walk-through. It could have been much better.

It was largely because I was feeling so listless.

Sho called me up quite a few times. Will call me again for tarot. He is a sweet guy. A good boy. At least it seems like that over the phone.

He is likely to come to Bombay later this month. I'm looking forward to it.

I love my parents. I'm blessed with amazing parents.

Tomorrow I attack the radio script for Earth 1.

Before I sleep I must do yoga.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my life because it has been, is and will be fulfilling and enriching.

I am grateful for my appearance as I think it's a God-given effect and a result of good genes.

I am happy that I have a job in a good advertising firm. Not only does it bring me a salary but it also keeps me busy doing something I love, and adds valuable experience to my resume and to my life.

I am happy that I'm happy. Because it feels amazing.

I'm happy that I'm at peace. Because that's invaluable.

I am happy that I finished the walk-through script reasonably well. I took time with it but I think I did a decent job. It could have been better.

I am grateful that Ajky introduced me to Chat Gpt. Artificial intelligence is here!

I'm happy that I had a good conversation with Ajky. It's good to connect with some good people.

I am happy that Sho called me today. I was hoping we would connect again. It's like a dream come true.

I am happy that I was happy through the day. It feels good to be happy.

I am happy that I make it before time to work each day. It speaks volumes about how much I value my job.

I am happy that I have goals. It gives me purpose.

I am happy that I have dreams. It gives me wings to fly on.

I am happy that I am eating well. It means I am happy and that we have enough.

I am happy that I write this Journal. Blogging is a blessing.

I am happy that I'm practising gratitude. I feel the changes within me. It feels wonderful.

I am happy that I have a blessed life, a pretty heart, and a pretty face. I think I'm blessed. 

I love being happy. I do.

9.52 pm

Journal 17.5.23 3.15 pm

 Dear Journal,

I am just half way through the walk-through script. The radio script also needs to be done. Plus another correction for the Flamante brochure. I am feeling so listless; I feel that the scripts need to be brilliant.

Hopefully, I will get some interesting gigs on a freelance basis. 

Visualisation has worked for me in the past. I was also reading up on visualisation. I even went through a few videos. I need to structure my goals. May be I am living the dream life. It is a dream for many.

It is a life that even though it has its challenges is sparked by creative ideation with dollops of love to garnish it.

The need to produce something brilliant often stalls me from attempting anything mediocre.

Love,

Me.

3.24 pm

Journal 17.5.23 10.36 am

 Dear Journal,

I have to produce a brilliant Flamante walk-through script and a more than brilliant radio script for Earth 1. I am feeling kind of slow, kind of lethargic, kind of like I need to take many slow and deep breaths before I start.

Today I am wearing the pink dress that Ma bought me.

My heart rate feels up, and I have a severe acidity issue.

I hope to conquer this day well.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my beautiful life. The experiences I have had are unique to me and shape the beautiful, lovely me.

I am grateful for this wonderful job because it recharges me and pays me a good salary.

I am grateful for my wonderful home where I have had many beautiful memories.

I am grateful for my health because I am up and about and running.

I am happy because I eat fruits everyday.

I am happy to come to work because I am doing something I love.

I am happy I had a Frankie today. A god breakfast.

I am happy that I've had the realisation that there might be a problem with my mental health.

I am happy because I make it to work on time everyday.

I am blessed in a gazillion ways.

10.44 am

Journal 16.5.23 10.36 pm

Dear Journal,

It has been little less than a week into my new job as a copywriter. So far everything I have written has made the cut.

However, today I got feedback about a walk-through article and a radio script. Lots of notes taken. However, personally I feel I wasn't creative enough, oweing to brain fog and exhaustion.

If I methodically plan my day, I will be better able to execute my tasks.

I have lost a few jobs. I know that it is largely due to my weak mental health. This means I should at least take the homoeopathy pills, exercise, eat well, stop smoking, and be disciplined (which entails doing odd household chores.)

I am delighted that I have such an amiable work environment.

Lately, smoking has been taking a toll on me.

I think I should also show more initiative in work meetings.

I've been feeling nauseous. Do I have jaundice? Must do yoga regularly and meditate.

Love,

Me.

The positive aspects of my work

It is creative because I have to visualise to brief and write.

It is rejuvenating because there is something to do everyday.

There are good and fun colleagues, who are respectful and hardworking.

There is ample coffee and tea available.

It is something like a dream job. It is not just any other job and for that I'm truly grateful.

I'm willing to put in hours. It doesn't feel like a waste of time.

It allows me to read.

Cons

It requires long hours and sometimes working on a Saturday.

10.46 pm

Journal 16.5.23 9.28 pm

Dear Journal,

Counting your blessings is a great exercise in positivity.

My blessings

I am blessed with amazing parents because they love me, they value us and each other and they have left no stone unturned in providing us a superior lifestyle.

I am blessed with brains. Despite being diagnosed with psychotism I accomplish tough tasks easily.

I am blessed with a beautiful heart. Despite having presented myself badly sometimes oweing to delusions I really feel for people and accept all with love unconditionally.

I am blessed with a pretty face. Despite growing older my face looks healthy and vibrant.

I am blessed with a great career. Despite some setbacks I'm truly grateful to be a part of the media.

I am blessed with a good education. I have studied the finest subjects from the finest of institutes.

I am blessed with a great job. Although demanding Mash is amiable, my colleagues are jovial, and there is great scope to exhibit my potential. 

I am blessed with a good family background. I can always proudly  talk about my relatives and grandparents and my heritage that is full of values.

I am blessed with the gift of languages. I can speak a few languages and I am able to express my self well in writing and in conversations.

I'm blessed because I have Nature. Nature's wonders are truly magnificent.

I am blessed with a beautiful home. Ma and PA have provided me with a beautiful room in a homely house.

I am blessed with good friends. Despite pushing a few like Shanky (who I wanted to shed) away my friends are intelligent, interesting and fun.

I am blessed that I have technology. Despite finding it tasking to pick up new technology I think it is very useful.

I am blessed with creative talents. I can express myself creatively through  quite a few means.

I am blessed that I have money. I have never been hard pressed for money.

I am blessed with this beautiful life. My life is magnanimous.

I am blessed for yoga. I am truly grateful to those who devised this system of meditation and exercise. I love doing it.

I am blessed with love. I have experienced love and good friendships. 

I am blessed that I sleep well at night and that I eat well. I am blessed to have a healthy lifestyle. I am so grateful to God and life that I have experienced the richness of life.

I am blessed.

I truly am.

Love,

Me.

Journal 16.5.23 8.10 pm

Dear Journal,

I am comfortably seated in an air-conditioned metro, away from the blazing heat outside.

I feel a little docile and a little lost. It's time to bring more discipline into my life.

So PAnd, Ma's friend, has invited us for dinner on Sunday. I look forward to it.

Ma has lost a dear friend, Neha aunty, to illness. Life is very short.

One may begrudge it, saying this and that and other various things are wrong, but truth beknown life is one glorious blessing. It is the only means in our consciousness to savour the gifts of the Universe -- Nature, inventions, relationships, etc.

A nice guy, a little short, has been messaging me. Nice because he thinks I'm nice. I don't really know him. Meeting him on Friday.

I need to get more creative.

I need to look at the positives.

I need to tap my happy button.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my job. Because it is rejuvenating, a means to write, and brings me a salary.

I am grateful for the money I have. Because I can save towards greater milestones, I can buy gifts for loved ones, and Because it pays my bills and for food.

I am grateful for good health. Because I can work, enjoy life and do yoga.

I am grateful for good men. Because they are a blessing, they make me feel good, and they are nice to talk to.

I am grateful for Melon. Because he is a source of love, he is cute, and a great friend.

I am grateful for Mashi. Because she is loving, kind and a great gifter.

I am grateful for books. Because I learn from them, they are my source of income, they are my passion.

I am grateful for my family. Because they are my loves, they are my support system, they are everything to me.

I am grateful for Healthcare. Because it helps one enjoy good health, stay fit, and stay joyous.

Today, I did not hallucinate at all. I focused on real life and am feeling really positive.

Today, I had good interactions with those around me. I had positive interactions with all.

Today, I chatted with a guy on sm who said all he wants from me are hugs.

I am happy Because I am rooted in reality.

I am happy Because I have started work on my novel. 

I am happy Because I networked with one literary agent today.

I have a blessed, happy, healthy life.

Love,

Me.

Journal 16.5.23 5.19 pm

 Dear Journal,

I think I may be slightly in grief.

I threw all my specs, my lenses, paintings, photographs from the house, based on no adequate reason but delusions. I feel really sorry. 

I feel like becoming part of a group that shares stories -- a kind of Schizophrenia Warriors group.

Currently, I'm absolutely fine. Spoke to some pretty rude guys on dating apps --- three of them in one week. 

My Í Am Fine' phases are quite telling. There seems to be no trace of having lived through hallucinations.

My eyes are hurting. I hope Titan has given me the right number.

Life is truly wonderful. Life is a blessing.

I feel much better having left SGI. In an organized format there is no room to break the rules or bend the normal structure of thinking. In SGI it seems everybody parrots the same (ditto same) language.

I would feel better without any dating app and just focusing on work.

My mother is so beautiful.

There is a stark trace of shame in me these days,

May be there is nothing to be ashamed of. There are plenty with similar tales. Schizophrenia affects 1 in 100 people. Many go through far worse.

Why me? That does play at the back of my mind. 

I'm sure the road ahead is not long till I reach my goal.

My goals

To buy a huge palatial home where people are welcome.

To be known as a good friend, daughter, sister, wife.

To be wealthy as f*

To have at least 100 bestseller novels to my credit.

To win at least 1 Oscar for acting.

To write at least 100 superhit film scripts/plays.

To be happy.

To be in the pink of health for the rest of my life.

To quit smoking.

To be known as a kind, wise, brave and respectful and respectable.

To be the world's best poet.

To be a virtuous person.

To be known as a successful person.

To live in gratitude and joy.

To heal.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for all beings in my life.

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for my good health.

5.38 pm

Journal 15.5.23 7.18 pm

 Dear Journal,

They say gratitude works wonders. I mechanically try to feel grateful. I miss the fulness of my heart. Now a days it's like I'm having a cardiac arrest everyday.

I am grateful for everything, every experience and this beautiful, wonderful life.

Love,

Me

7.20 pm

Journal 15.5.23 5.28 pm

 Dear Journal,

All of a sudden on a remembrance my heart sank into my stomach. I recalled writing a poem called "Sex is bad for health"on Facebook, which I recently deleted.

How did I write it? Why can't my behaviour be normal? Do I not feel horny sometimes? I'm stupid! I'm an idiot! These are the kind of things running in my subconscious mind, I know, even though I don't say/think it.

Of course at this point I agree with the poem a little. I don't like the idea of constantly having sex without conversation.

Come, come now. I can't belittle myself so. I must forgive myself.

Also, being booted out of SGI unceremoniously and with insults also has affected me. The last few years have been marked by blows so severe. Mostly of the kind of the darkness of my mind surprising me.

*My English is not perfect in my journal. I will let it be.

How does one look ahead after such severe blows?

I have also blocked a few insulting guys on dating apps. They are not my type. One guy asked me how my clit was feeling? Now I think that's insulting! And I told him so. He didn't take it too well.

Journalling is awesome. One can really structure one's thoughts.

I think I kind of need to pick myself up. Kind of like after the time I went to TIFR on a whim in the middle of the night.

I'm sure people think of me as that crazy girl. I don't know what people really think of me. May be they don't think of me that much.

Friends have shed. I have insulted many. Nobody except Ma and Pa seems to understand. Nobody except Ma and Pa want to forgive. Nobody except Ma and Pa accept me the way I am.

I wonder what are Ma's inner thoughts. And what are Pa's inner thoughts. I know both of them think a lot about the money. I don't know what the financial situation of the house is since it is never up for open discussion.  But Ma does say we are struggling.

Anyway where there is a lack there is something else. We have a strong bond of love uniting us.

I wish Bu talked to me more.

I feel the need for a deep, meaningful relationship. Theres this one guy I'm talking to since today. He's talkative and interesting.  Then there is Sho who I slighted last year. We talk. a little. But he replies with days of silence. He is a nice guy.

This whole no negative reaction thing is awesome. Pa is going to Pondi tomorrow and I'll be alone with Ma at home. I intend to party with Ma and enjoy with her,

I really love my family. My irritable angry mother and my caustic bitter but loving father are both gems of people. I think the world of my parents as most people do.

I think the biggest learning Ma has given me is that you don't need to buy expensive things to live a life of meaning.

My Values

Trust

Love

Integrity

Truth

Respect for life

Kindness

Compassion

Courage

Wisdom

Mindfulness

Happiness

Joy

Prosperity

Security

Romance

Adventure

Helpfulness

Altruism

Care

Respect for life

Honour

Awards

Respect

Beauty

Goodness

Judiciousness

Virtuosity

Fun

Frolic

Sunniness

Exapansiveness

Family

Friends

Equanimity

Brilliance

Excellence

Achievement

Love,

Me

6.02 pm

Journal 14.5.23 5.37 pm

Dear Journal,

First Rachana passed away. Now the Chinese parlour has shut down. Having said that my feet are a mess after the nail surgery recommended by Dr Shinde. So Shonama is treating me to an evening in the parlour for a pedicure and my first facial.

It's Mother's Day today but everyday is Mother's Day. I've kind of decided to just not smoke cigarettes tomorrow in office and to go on a negative emotion detox, which means no getting angry, no irritability, no screaming and shouting, and no bitching.

Yesterday I had a blind date. The guy was alright and I of course wore my clobby new specs. No message or call is forthcoming. I didn't let him kiss me. I can't kiss a stranger. At least not one I'm not physically attracted to.

Of course in my lifetime so far I've kissed a few strangers. Th was a stranger to me. Ro was a stranger to me. I even went around with Ro for a year. Incidentally, he got married and his wife passed away a few years after the wedding.

I intend to be smoke free, eat wholesome home food and not spend too much money. In 2025 I hope to possess a home of my own.

Today I bought 500 rupees worth of anti-ageing creams after selfies I clicked this morning showed dark circles and wrinkles under my eyes. No smoking.

I've been known to indulge in erratic behaviour. I've been known to insult after a bout of hallucinations. Does that define who I am?

The most difficult thing is to forgive yourself. I've prayed consistently and forgiven my childhood abuser. Forgiveness is very powerful. The most difficult thing is to accept the self absolutely and to love yourself. Louise Hay pleads us to say "I love you" to ourselves in the mirror each day. May be I should start doing that. Self esteem can be sensed.

At this point in time I'm getting a pedicure. Self love and Self care is the beginning of love and care. You can't love others unless you love yourself.

If I really analyse myself I think I'm a pretty mess. Once upon a time I thought no end of myself, oweing to the fact that I appeared beautiful and intelligent (the beauty with brains combo).

I've just dipped my feet in hot water. It's so soothing and comfortable.

Today an astrologer who I chatted with on Linkedin has said he will talk to me with no charge. Looking forward to it.

I hope to meet some nice people in my life. Not the Shank kind. Some cool, educated people my life could do with.

AK Mah seems like a nice guy. Don't feel like dating him but he's a Shareef insaan. A good person. So is Ni Pan. A good human being. Why am I not attracted to the good boys.

I probably have very high expectations from my to-be life partner. I can't really lower my expectations. Can I?

If I stop smoking, eat healthy and exercise most of my problems will vanish.

My pedicure seems to be done so I'll stop Journaling.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this pedicure.

I'm grateful for my inward and outward beauty.

I am grateful for my brains.

I am grateful for my life.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for music.

I am grateful for cinema.

I am grateful for literature.

I am grateful for friends.

I'm grateful for love.

I am grateful for all my experiences.

I love, I live, I laugh, I Victor, I conquer, I succeed, I'm a raging hit with the world.

Thank you.

6.24 pm.

Journal 13.5.23 1.18 pm

 Dear Journal,

I am finally kind of settling in and learning that I probably do have schizophrenia. My story is so similar to other patients who suffer from the disease. I understand that it is a physical disorder. This is after 15 years of denial.

I have imagined that I am a reincarnation of many beautiful women. I have imagined fantasies that are most alluring. I have imagined that I am loved by some man dearly. I have been deluded. And yes, I have hallucinated.

My biggest fear is being rejected by society and that makes me feel a little dejected. I am still loathe to take the Allopathy medication but the Homoeopathy medicine by Dr Dh does help. Everybody on my social media knows now that I am wonky tonky. I don't really at this point have anyone to talk to.

The few friends who message I feel seek connection themselves. A long time ago (about 9 years ago) I was told that the first step to recovery is acceptance that there is a problem. Today I accept that yes, there is a problem.

I don't know if I will ever get married. If anybody will be willing to accept me just the way I am.

I am grateful for life's miracles. I am grateful for life and love.

They say that nobody can love you more than you love yourself. I hope to love myself and accept that I do have a condition.

Schizophrenia can be quite debilitating. Delusions can be very limiting. Real life is more enticing than the fantasy world a patient builds.

Schizophrenics have a more vivid imagination than children do. I wish to live my life to the fullest and enjoy each moment in every facet.

I hope people will forgive me on the point that I am not normal. I am Schizophrenic. I have had experiences that have stalled me. I don't know how any other person in my shoes would have dealt with the experiences I've had.

They say that schizophrenia is inherited. Who have I got it from? My sweet Dadu had told me that I should take the pills. May be I should. And I will. Baba spends money on the expensive medication after all.

I have done many many things in a deluded state that I regret deeply. I hope to reach an understanding and forgive myself.

I am twisted but I'm whole. I'm like  a delicious chocolate cake that got out of the oven bent out of shape. I am 38. I am not alone. It's time to shed some friends. It's time to embrace me, my loved ones and life. It's time to conquer the world.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful for friends.

I am grateful for this office.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for my brother.

I am grateful for Nature.

I am grateful for birds.

I am grateful for work.

I am grateful for discipline.

I am grateful for forgiveness.

I am grateful for my good health.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for my wardrobe.

I am grateful for smiles and laughter.

I am grateful for cake.

I am grateful for my next boyfriend.

I am grateful for me.

I am grateful for God.

Journal 13.5.2023 11.51 am

 Dear Journal,

I woke up late and was greeted by Pa with so much love. I don't think anybody will love me as much as Pa does.

I am sitting in office now, waiting to break through.

It is good to be busy. It is good to love.

There are men who message me and sound so familiar, but they don't really know me.

Their familiarity is so weird.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for this office.

I am grateful for my parents.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for Melon.

I am grateful for my life.

I am grateful for the internet.

I am grateful for everything.

11.55 am

I feel

I can feel the wrinkles not just see them.

I can feel myself slowing down since

That rapid fast youthful blaze.

I can feel myself growing wiser,

My brain protected by violet hue.

I can feel you feel me and how

Much I love you and how I misconstrued.

I feel much sweeter than that snobbish

Twinkle twenty something, I feel my blood,

My bones, my cytoplasm even working with me.

I feel my life opening up in a thousand different ways.

I feel the heart and soul of this city I call Bombay.

I feel joy like I have never felt before.

I feel on top of the world -- a moneyed, prosperous girl.

blesser, bless me

This life oh blesser you have given,

These talents oh blesser you have forgiven,

This love oh blesser you have made sacred,

This body oh blesser you have always protected,

This will oh blesser you have fortified with virtues,

This heart oh blesser you have filled with gratitude,

This mind oh blesser seeks to be one with thee

To see only that which you will allow and these

Hands oh blesser let them only engage in sacred work.

Bless me oh blesser with a life divine.

Give me oh blesser-- Life-- strength and nobility,

Love and agility, and health and harmony.

Oh blesser, bless me.

Journal 13.5.2023 1.04 am

Dear Journal,

I've started a new job as a creative copywriter that has me keeping long hours. The job itself is fun but my heart is heavy. Very heavy.

I came back home around an hour ago and am a little tired. I was on my phone chatting with guys on a dating app (I need some socialising) and Baba knocked on my door. He constantly says he is disappointed in me.i asked him to go to sleep and he shouted and banged the door shut. Is he frustrated himself?

Baba is a little closed-minded. He is old and he has me worried since he has been diagnosed with Osteoarthritis.

Also I feel that I'm not doing as well as I could have had my mental health been robust. It's in my palms. My left palm has a huge island on the head line under the mount of saturn.

Even though MA is more irritable she is far more respectful than PA. Bu barely acknowledges me or talks to me. I feel a little alone at 38 as a single woman. Vibgyor was such a waste of time as a job. This job is definitely more gratifying as far as quality of colleagues is concerned.

I do hope there is a Prince Charming for me but alas men don't charm me as they did once upon a time.

I'm far behind on my financial goals.

The other day I just told PA that I had withdrawn some money from my ppf. That's the day we went to Krao. He told me he is disappointed  in me. Banged the dining area door on my face. And kept up a grim glum look all day long. He was caustic in everything he said to me right till he went to sleep. Why is he so snide? Finances can't improve with an attitude like that. Nothing can.

Also, my delusional ranting on Facebook has me feeling I'm constantly being judged. I'm so ashamed of myself. I regret this inheritance of a weak mental disposition. I regret my actions and my words.

Will I get married? It's already very late in life. Is N married? His sm doesn't indicate that he is. May be he doesn't really want to get married. Otherwise he's such a great catch he would have been hitched by now.

Going out with Fz two-three years ago (the last guy I dated) was fun. We smoked tons of cigarettes. And I think he's a snob but rather smart. Any way I don't know why but he eventually blocked me on sm. He's a nice guy. Bu strictly admonished me for dating Fz. I've reached a point where I don't think honesty is the best policy with my family. I don't know.

I've slandered a lot of people on sm in a deluded state. I may have inherited a streak of madness. But I'm absolutely fine now. Sometimes you just need to talk to process things. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I hope I could be more jovial and sociable.

May be instead of spending hours on this stupid dating app I could take up reading and writing. I love reading and writing. 

This particular job demands 10-13 hours of time being spent in office. What else is there to do? Shanky won't talk to me. So many people won't.

I really hope people find it in their hearts to forgive me for my crazy ranting. I hope to be an accepted member of society, who is loved and respected and is respectful. Krao is nice I think but he's so disconnected.

Life is really simple at the end of the day. It's all about intention and commitment. What you do with this blessed precious life is important in the larger scheme of things.

All said and done I think what's bothering me is that I don't want to die alone. Also my health bothers me.

Writing in this Journal is such a blessing. It's so therapeutic. So gratifying.

I love. My reason to live is love for love is love and life is life. My purpose is to spread love and joy and keep a hold on this tongue of mine.

My mission: To create Paradise wherever I go.

My vision: A world where all beings live at ease and in respectful harmony and happiness.

My purpose: To be the best version of myself and to respect and love all.

This year I went vegetarian. I've only been eating meat this past two weeks. It was that fish fry that had me break my resolution. Will it be detrimental to my health if I completely go vegetarian? I should be well-informed about this. What diet is best for me. It's time to focus on health, happiness and money. The rest will follow.

Bu is getting married next year. Something to look forward to.

Love,

Me.

I am grateful for my family.

I am grateful for my home.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for Bu.

I'm grateful for this blessed life.

I am grateful for my relatives and friends.

I am grateful for my current state of mind.

I M grateful for my laptop (Ma's thoughtful gift to me)

I am grateful for my independence.

I am grateful that I have people who are concerned about me and who care.

I am grateful for love.

I am grateful for yoga.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for money.

I am grateful for my intelligent mind.

Love,

Me.

1.48 am

depression

The clouds of the mind create

A depression that eases as

You enjoy the chilly winds.

Lies

 I spoke lies, a garbage pile of lies

So demeaning, so hate-ridden

That my heart is now heavy

With all things forbidden.

I meant well. May you not forgive me

For a brain so heated, so defeated?

May you not regale me as old friends

Do? Completely let loose I speak falsities.

I didn't mean to hurt you, belittle you.

All I sought was some succour from

My mundane existence and hence I

Cooked up a garbage pile of lies.

Some day when I see you by the bend

On a rainy day for you my sunny friend

May you remember that I sought not to blame

But to relive the days gone by of dishonesty.

I spoke lies. All lies. All those words cooked

Up from building castles in the air. Is it fair

To condemn me? Is it fair to take me to the gallows?

Truth prevailing and abounding-- I am not a lie. 

Journal 3.5.23 AD 11.01 am

 Dear Journal,

So I shot off a mail to N telling him I love him. No regrets. In fact, I feel a sense of relief at having told him. No reply was forthcoming. I'm sure a guy as cute and sweet as him has found someone. I wish I knew him better.

All my ranting on social media about immortality has struck my mind. Death is a part of life. Life is ephemeral. So, I may eat meat if I feel like it.

Love is the only antidote to all of life's evils. The only cure. Love has a massive healing power.

Love,

Me.