I've started a new job as a creative copywriter that has me keeping long hours. The job itself is fun but my heart is heavy. Very heavy.
I came back home around an hour ago and am a little tired. I was on my phone chatting with guys on a dating app (I need some socialising) and Baba knocked on my door. He constantly says he is disappointed in me.i asked him to go to sleep and he shouted and banged the door shut. Is he frustrated himself?
Baba is a little closed-minded. He is old and he has me worried since he has been diagnosed with Osteoarthritis.
Also I feel that I'm not doing as well as I could have had my mental health been robust. It's in my palms. My left palm has a huge island on the head line under the mount of saturn.
Even though MA is more irritable she is far more respectful than PA. Bu barely acknowledges me or talks to me. I feel a little alone at 38 as a single woman. Vibgyor was such a waste of time as a job. This job is definitely more gratifying as far as quality of colleagues is concerned.
I do hope there is a Prince Charming for me but alas men don't charm me as they did once upon a time.
I'm far behind on my financial goals.
The other day I just told PA that I had withdrawn some money from my ppf. That's the day we went to Krao. He told me he is disappointed in me. Banged the dining area door on my face. And kept up a grim glum look all day long. He was caustic in everything he said to me right till he went to sleep. Why is he so snide? Finances can't improve with an attitude like that. Nothing can.
Also, my delusional ranting on Facebook has me feeling I'm constantly being judged. I'm so ashamed of myself. I regret this inheritance of a weak mental disposition. I regret my actions and my words.
Will I get married? It's already very late in life. Is N married? His sm doesn't indicate that he is. May be he doesn't really want to get married. Otherwise he's such a great catch he would have been hitched by now.
Going out with Fz two-three years ago (the last guy I dated) was fun. We smoked tons of cigarettes. And I think he's a snob but rather smart. Any way I don't know why but he eventually blocked me on sm. He's a nice guy. Bu strictly admonished me for dating Fz. I've reached a point where I don't think honesty is the best policy with my family. I don't know.
I've slandered a lot of people on sm in a deluded state. I may have inherited a streak of madness. But I'm absolutely fine now. Sometimes you just need to talk to process things. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I hope I could be more jovial and sociable.
May be instead of spending hours on this stupid dating app I could take up reading and writing. I love reading and writing.
This particular job demands 10-13 hours of time being spent in office. What else is there to do? Shanky won't talk to me. So many people won't.
I really hope people find it in their hearts to forgive me for my crazy ranting. I hope to be an accepted member of society, who is loved and respected and is respectful. Krao is nice I think but he's so disconnected.
Life is really simple at the end of the day. It's all about intention and commitment. What you do with this blessed precious life is important in the larger scheme of things.
All said and done I think what's bothering me is that I don't want to die alone. Also my health bothers me.
Writing in this Journal is such a blessing. It's so therapeutic. So gratifying.
I love. My reason to live is love for love is love and life is life. My purpose is to spread love and joy and keep a hold on this tongue of mine.
My mission: To create Paradise wherever I go.
My vision: A world where all beings live at ease and in respectful harmony and happiness.
My purpose: To be the best version of myself and to respect and love all.
This year I went vegetarian. I've only been eating meat this past two weeks. It was that fish fry that had me break my resolution. Will it be detrimental to my health if I completely go vegetarian? I should be well-informed about this. What diet is best for me. It's time to focus on health, happiness and money. The rest will follow.
Bu is getting married next year. Something to look forward to.
Love,
Me.
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful for my home.
I am grateful for my job.
I am grateful for Bu.
I'm grateful for this blessed life.
I am grateful for my relatives and friends.
I am grateful for my current state of mind.
I M grateful for my laptop (Ma's thoughtful gift to me)
I am grateful for my independence.
I am grateful that I have people who are concerned about me and who care.
I am grateful for love.
I am grateful for yoga.
I am grateful for my health.
I am grateful for money.
I am grateful for my intelligent mind.
Love,
Me.
1.48 am
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