Journal 18.5.2023 5.35 pm

 Dear Journal,

How deep can embarrassment go? And when it goes too deep how do you tackle it? Along With embarrassment I am dealing with feelings of shame and guilt.

I ranted on FB about how sv is the love of my life and wrote other rubbish, absolute rotten rubbish, slandering other people, and much more than that from a place of delusions and hallucinations.

I an schizotypal. The homoeopathy pills are amazing. I feel absolutely fine with them. I wrote things to the effect that buro is the reincarnation of rkph and that i am a reincarnation of ah.

I must be nuts. I really must be. 

I feel so ashamed and guilty, and so down in the pits because of it.

I hope to be understood but that is a little far cry.

I hope to be accepted, and not just out of courtesy.

I hope to forge bonds of valuable friendships.

I hope to understand other people who face feelings of shame and guilt.

I hope to surmount every challenge and be known as a champion.

I hope to be a champion of life.

Will I be able to sustain healthy living without medication?

There was one ray of hope -- Dr ES saying that there is nothing wrong with me. But there is. May be it's not quite so schizotypal but there must be some issue. I seek clarity.

Why do we hallucinate? I'll ask ChatGPT.

So there is one point that cgpt threw up that is interesting. Lack or overload of stimuli can induce hallucinations. Could this be the case?

Also, I took an online personality test and my EQ is strictly average. Thats what ES also said. According to her, that was the problem. May be it's the fact that I haven't had sex in over 4 years that I hallucinated.

I did watch a little porn. But I don't like watching porn. I don't even enjoy an overdose of sex. I'd much rather have healthy, playful conversations to begin with, in the middle, and in the end.

Lately, I have also been overpowered with the thought that I might not find someone nice. Plus that I might not find someone who understands me. Very few men turn me on these days.

I seek more social connect, a few good friends to talk to, and a vibrant social life.

I need to do a few things each day, even if for some time.

*Read something everyday.

*work on my novel.

*eat healthy food.

*exercise.

*meditation.

*update my journal

*sleep well

My seven-pronged strategy. 

I feel a little bit like a fool. Just a little. When the heart gets heavy with shame I feel absolutely guilty and pathetic, and I feel it shows. 

I wish to have better self-esteem, and be more confident.

Is reading on Chat GPT real reading? It's some reading.

At the end of the day, the small things matter more. The big things leave an impact. The small things leave a deeper impact.

I can't really remember my dreams these days. I sleep deep and fully.

Love,

Me.

5.59 pm